Abbott And Costello 45-01-11 Lous House Needs Another Bathtub

Summary

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Abbott and Costello: "Lou’s House Needs Another Bathtub"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 28, 2025
Main Theme:
Comedy duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello bring a classic slice-of-life routine full of their signature wordplay and slapstick, centering around Lou’s misadventures buying a country house—and his struggle to secure a bathtub for it.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Costello’s New Country House

• (02:04) Lou enthusiastically tells Abbott that he’s bought a ranch in the country, humorously named “Lumbago Ranch.”
  • Lou: “It’s got a creek in the back. I call it Lumbago Ranch.”
  • Abbott: “Why did you name it Lumbago?”
  • Lou: “Because it’s got a creek!”
  • Classic wordplay on "creek" and "creak."
• (02:05–03:00) Lou plans to raise monkeys, leading to riffing on “monkey ranch” as a play on “monkey wrench.”
  • Abbott: “You bought a ranch to raise monkeys? You’re a nut.”
  • Lou: “Well, what’s better for a nut than a monkey ranch?”

2. The House Tour – and Absurd Real Estate Details

• (03:00–04:55) Lou describes questionable details about the house, like a doctor painting it for free (“Dr. Pepper” written on the roof).
  • Lou: “A doctor painted it for nothing... It says Dr. Pepper.” (03:02)
• The routine hits on mortgage jargon, as Lou misinterprets “escrow,” “lien,” and “patio” with literal or personal meanings, showcasing Costello’s guileless character and Abbott’s exasperation.
  • Abbott: “Does the bank have a lien on your house?”
  • Lou: “If the bank have a lien on my house, it would fall down!” (03:21)
• Classic puns and “Who’s on First”-style confusion about shingle vs. tiled roofs and the use of mortar.
  • Abbott: “Is the roof shingle or tiled?”
  • Lou: “Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof?” (04:39)

3. No Bathtub—A Crisis Emerges

• (07:00–08:12) Abbott is shocked to find out Lou’s new house doesn’t have a bathtub—just “a room with a pass.”

  • Lou: “We’re in the country, way out in the country. All we got is a room with a pass.”
  • Abbott: “You bought a house without a bathtub?”
  • Lou: “Why do we need a bathtub? We're only going to stay here during the winter.”

• Costello's solution—putting the bathtub at the end of the dining room with no wall (“Let them turn their backs”)—escalates the silliness. (08:11)

4. Trying to Buy a Bathtub in Wartime America

• (08:12–11:27) Wartime shortages mean tubs require a ration board’s "priority."

  • Abbott explains: “You can’t buy a tub without an okay from the ration board.”
  • Lou (misunderstanding): “The OPA has frozen tubs? Poor man—he should wear heavier underwear.”
  • By phone, a ration board rep jokes: “Why don’t you bathe in the spring?” (10:24)

• Frustrating call with Mr. Fawcett at the ration board (pun on “faucet”), who mockingly asks if Lou takes in washing.

  • Abbott (as Fawcett): “Do you take in washing?”
  • Lou: “I never washed in my life.”
  • Abbott: “Well, it’s nice of you to make this call by phone. Goodbye.” (11:08)

5. The Search for a Secondhand Bathtub

• (11:27–14:12) Lou calls the Acme Junkyard for a used tub, then the Ajax Plumbing Co.—with each call devolving into vaudeville banter and puns (including a reference to Dick Tracy in the paper).
• At Kitzel’s Swappy Shoppie, slapstick negotiations for a battered old tub ensue.
  • Notable moment: Assessing the age of the tub by “counting the rings around it.”
  • Kitzel: “That crack proves that it’s an antique. George Washington slipped here.”

6. Bringing Home the Bathtub—Physical Comedy Escalates

• (16:16–19:43) Lou hauls the tub home atop his car, sitting in it for balance. Abbott drives; Lou banters from in the tub.
  • Lou: “Abbott, don’t drive so fast. The tub is liable to fall off. I don’t want to put another crack in my enamel.” (17:08)
  • Lou: “It’s awfully chilly up here. Hand me up the stopper for the tub...” (17:16)
• Traffic cop stops them for “indecent exposure;” only Lou’s face is visible above the tub, yet the officer says, “That’s what I said. In decent exposure.” (19:36)

7. The Finale: Installation Fiasco

• (20:08–23:34) Attempting to move the tub into the house, they cut across a neighbor’s yard, destroy her flowers, and she storms out in indignation.

  • Neighbor: “You ripped up my grass, crushed my petunias and shattered my gladiolas. Get back in the house before I fracture your hollyhocks!” (20:33)
  • Abbott: “Remember the old saying, you should love your neighbor?”
  • Lou (to neighbor): “Okay, you brute, put me down.”

• Famed “not hole” routine: Lou confuses ordinary holes with “not holes” (knotholes), descending into comic circular logic.

  • Abbott: “A not hole is a hole, but it’s not like a hole, it’s not a not hole.” (22:27)

• Niles appears to help connect pipes—Abbott’s in the basement, Lou above, and soon a plumbing mistake is made.

  • Lou: “Everything has suddenly gone black.”
  • Abbott: “You connected the tub to the oil furnace!” (23:34)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Naming the Ranch
  Lou: “I call it Lumbago Ranch.” (02:05)
  Abbott: “Why did you name it Lumbago?”
  Lou: “Because it’s got a creek!”
• Escrow & Lean Confusions
  Abbott: “They told me I had to go through escrow.” (03:19)
  Lou: “In order to get the house, they told me I’d have to go through ES Crow.”
• Roof Routine
  Abbott: “Is your roof shingle or tiled?” (04:43)
  Lou: “Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof?”
• Bathtub Negotiations
  Kitzel: “That crack proves that it’s an antique!” (15:01) Lou: “How can you tell the age of a bathtub?”
  Abbott: “I counted the rings around it.” (14:46)
• On the Way Home
  Abbott: “Costello is on top of the car, sitting in the bathtub to balance it. What a picture. One tub sitting in another.” (17:04) Lou: “The tub is liable to fall off. I don’t want to put another crack in my enamel.” (17:08)
• Traffic Cop Trouble
  Officer: “I’ll have to give your fat friend a ticket for indecent exposure.” (19:33)
  Lou: “What do you mean? I’m sitting in a tub but all you can see is my face?”
  Officer: “That’s what I said. In decent exposure.”
• Costello’s Neighbor
  Neighbor: “You ripped up my grass, crushed my petunias and shattered my gladiolas. Get back in the house before I fracture your hollyhocks!” (20:33)
• Plumbing Disaster
  Lou: “Everything has suddenly gone black.” (23:31)
  Abbott: “You connected the tub to the oil furnace!” (23:34)

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Classic Abbott & Costello Tone

• Continuous, rapid-fire wordplay and misunderstandings between Abbott (straight man, slightly exasperated) and Costello (naïve and literal).
• Frequent escalation from simple miscommunications into absurd and layered comic scenarios, especially surrounding homonyms and idioms.
• Supporting characters (the ration board, junk dealer, neighbor, and Kitzel the shopkeeper) each provide moments of comic relief and set-ups for the duo’s routines.

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Important Segments and Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:04 | Lou describes buying Lumbago Ranch, plans to raise monkeys | | 03:19 | Escrow, lien, and patio confusion | | 04:57 | Shingle/tiled roof, mortar, and tile confusion | | 08:12 | Bathtub crisis emerges | | 10:21 | Abbott calls ration board; Dr. Fawcett puns | | 11:27 | Calls to junkyard and Ajax Plumbing Co. | | 13:25 | At Kitzel’s Swappy Shoppie, bargaining for tub | | 16:16 | Take tub home on car, Lou rides in tub | | 19:36 | Traffic cop incidents | | 20:33 | Neighbor confronts Lou and Abbott for yard destruction | | 22:11 | Plumbing/knothole routine with Niles | | 23:34 | Disaster: tub connected to oil furnace |

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In summary:
This episode of Abbott and Costello is a rapid-fire example of their classic slapstick and layered comic misunderstandings. Through their efforts to furnish Lou’s rustic new ranch with a much-needed bathtub, the routines blend everyday frustrations with wartime shortages and Costello’s comically earnest logic, including memorable banter, classic side characters, neighborly disasters, and a final plumbing fiasco. Fans of their dynamic will find vintage routines throughout, echoing their “Who’s on First” energy and vaudeville roots.

Transcript

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[Bud Abbott]

Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Evan Costell. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Castella, where have you been? I haven't seen you.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Abbott, I've been moving.

[Bud Abbott]

Moving? I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from my Uncle Artie Steven's place. What a beautiful ranch, Abbott. I call it the Lumbago Ranch. Lumbago Ranch? Yep. Why did you name it Lumbago? Because it's got a creek in the back. Elliot, dummy, what do you want with a ranch? I'm going to raise monkeys. Yeah. You bought a ranch to raise monkeys? Sure. You're a nut. Well, what's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? Oh, come here, you watch me f.

[Lou Costello]

Well, well, I knew that line.

[Bud Abbott]

I had to continue. Thank you. What is it? What does that say?

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, is that a picture of the ranch?

[Bud Abbott]

You took the words right out of my mouth. Let me see it. Let's see it. What's that little. What's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I'll bet you thought I was gonna say the smokehouse. So you bought yourself a new house, eh? What condition is it in? What? What condition is it in? Oh, wonderful condition. Well, it's. Well, I just had it painted and it didn't cost me a cent.

[Lou Costello]

A doctor painted it for nothing.

[Bud Abbott]

A doctor painted your house for nothing? Right. But wait a minute. How do you know it was a doctor? He signed his name on the roof in big red letters. It says Dr. Pepper. Just a minute, Costello. I don't know. Listen, who showed you this house?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I got the house through a Mr. Crow.

[Bud Abbott]

Mr. Crow?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go through ES Crow. Please, please, please. That's escrow. That means you bought it through with a bang. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. No, if the bank have a lien on my house, it would fall down. No, no, I'm talking about a mortgage. Who holds the paper on your house? Nobody holds the paper in my house. The paper's stuck on a wall with glue. All right, Doc, never mind that. What kind of a place did you buy? Do you have a polio. I beg your pot. You have a patio. It's much better. Now, let's not get personal. Well, now, listen, please. I mean a patio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my patio. I knew you when you didn't have a patio to cook in. Look, Costella, don't you know anything about your new house? Didn't you even have it inspected? Inspected for what? For floors. You might have floors in your house. Of course I got floors. First floor, the second floor. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

What do you think I walk on a ceiling?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no.

[Lou Costello]

Have I got floors?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a period house? No, I bought a house, period. Well, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish or French or English, necessarily. I found a couple of dead Indians in a cellar. Look, Costello, you can generally tell what kind of a house it is by the roof. Is the roof shingle or tiled? Oh, sure, it's one of those. What did you say? Is your roof shingle? Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof? Costello, will you please talk sense? Is your roof shingle or did you have it tiled? Abbott, what are you saying? When you're shingle, you can't have a tile. Now, wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

Only married people can have a tile.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, please, please. I'm talking about your rooftop. My what? Rooftop.

[Lou Costello]

Roof, roof, roof, roof, roof, I said.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, there's A dog barking someplace. Can you cut it out? Look, Costella, did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof?

[Lou Costello]

No.

[Bud Abbott]

What would a tile be doing on top of my house? No, no, no, no, no. I'm not talking about a tile roof. A tile roof is held together by mortar. By what? By mortar. Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? Certainly. My mortar is the woman that married my porter. Now. Yeah, dummy. The tile and the mortar keeps the house dry.

[Lou Costello]

At my house, it's my mortar that keeps her tile dry.

[Bud Abbott]

Estella, I'm trying to tell you that the mortar holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a mortar would hold her tile down a roof? Of all the stupid idiots. I'm trying to tell you that the tile is plastered on the roof. Now, there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on a roof.

[Lou Costello]

Where did he get the stuff from? What stuff? It's against the law to sell that stuff to children.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, the tile is plastered on the roof with mortar. What kind of family is that? The mortar and the little tiles plastered on the roof.

[Lou Costello]

Where is the porter? He ought to be looking after him.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. Please let me explain. Now, I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tiled head on your toe to drop. Don't interrupt. Now, when the roof is tiled, they spread the tile on the roof. Then, plastered with mortar, the tile runs across the roof and down to the gutter so that in case of a shower, the tile drains into a piper spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough. I am certainly glad I found you out. Found me out? You heard me. What do you mean? I didn't mind so much when you said a shingle roof could have a tile. I didn't even care when you said the tile was up on top of my house. But when you have the nerve and you said that poor little tile was taking a shower with a pipe in his mouth and running down the gutter to get plastered with his mortar, not.

[Lou Costello]

Only have you attacked the American home, but you have impud on the Bill of Rights and cast asparagus on the Atlantic charter.

[Bud Abbott]

Brother. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. Oh, boy. Abbott, since you and me has been pals for so many years, I'm going to ask you to move in here with me. Well, gazelle, that's mighty sweet of you. And I want to know that I'll be very happy to live here with you the rest of my life. You will? Yes. Now, will you Carry me across the threshold. Oh, please. Come on, get down and acting silly. Let's go in and look the house over. Come on. Now. Now the first thing I want to see is my room. Have you got a room for me with the bath? Abbott, we're in the country, way out in the country. All we got is a room with a pass. Are you crazy? You mean to tell me that you bought a house without a bathtub? Why do we need a bathtub? We're only going to stay here during the winter. Costello, I have to have a bath. Well, you can take a bath in the sink. It'll save us the cost of a maid. Oh, how can I save the cost of a maid? By taking a bath in the sink. You can wash yourself and the dishes at the same time. Look, Costello, you can count me out. I'm not going to live in a house without a bathtub. You haven't even got a bathroom. Don't get excited, Abbott. We'll put the bathtub at the end of the dining room, but you won't have any wall between. What if people are sitting at the table?

[Lou Costello]

Let them turn their backs.

[Bud Abbott]

No, but please. Dog sense, Costello. In the first place, you can't get a bathtub without priority. The head of the OPA has frozen tubs. He has frozen tubs? Absolutely. Poor man. He should wear heavier underwear. No, no, no, no. I mean, you can't buy a tub without an okay from the ration board.

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[Lou Costello]

Easy.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll call them right up. Nothing to it.

[Lou Costello]

Good afternoon, OPA Ration board. If you haven't got it, try and get it.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, lady, I just bought a house out in the country and it ain't got no bathroom.

[Lou Costello]

Well, why don't you bathe in the spring?

[Bud Abbott]

I can't wait till the spring.

[Lou Costello]

I'm going to a dance Saturday night. Well, I don't know whether you can get a priority for plumbing or not. I'll let you talk to our Mr. Fawcett, but I'm afraid you'll find him pretty cold. Hot or cold? Connect me with forfeit venom.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello? Faucet leaking. Earth leaking. Get him right, will you, Niles? Get him right. Hello, this is Luke Costello.

[Lou Costello]

I'd like to have a bath.

[Bud Abbott]

How long has it been since you had one? Hey, wait a minute. I didn't call up to hear you dribble Faucet.

[Lou Costello]

I'm trying to get a new tub.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I'm sorry. The only tubs we're releasing are for commercial purposes. Do you take in washing? What do you mean, take in washings?

[Lou Costello]

I never washed in my life.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, in that case, it's nice of you to make this call by phone. Goodbye. See, Costello? I told you you couldn't get a bathtub. That's what you think. Now, just watch this. I'll get something.

[Lou Costello]

Hello?

[Bud Abbott]

Was this the Acme junkyard? Yeah. Are you alive, brother?

[Lou Costello]

Am I talking to somebody?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, thank you. I know you're there.

[Lou Costello]

I hear you breathing. I'd like to get a secondhand bathtub.

[Bud Abbott]

You'd like to get a secondhand bathtub? All you mad, impetuous fool, you.

[Lou Costello]

Well, all right, all right. Well, don't knock yourself out. All I want is a secondhand tub.

[Bud Abbott]

All you want is a secondhand tub. Are you sure that's all? Why don't you ask me for a date with my wife?

[Lou Costello]

Okay, but one thing at a time, Castello.

[Bud Abbott]

I tell you, you'll never get a tub. I got to try just once more. Stick around. Ajax Plumbing Co. Oh, this is a.

[Lou Costello]

Dead cast tonight, ain't it?

[Bud Abbott]

Is this the plumber? No, this is the plumber's friend. That's all right, brother, I'll talk to you. I'm a plunger myself.

[Lou Costello]

Have you got a used bathtub down there?

[Bud Abbott]

No, we haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's paper?

[Lou Costello]

Why?

[Bud Abbott]

Did somebody advertise the bathtub? No, but Dick Tracy's in a terrible mess. Oh, come on, Costello. Look, I'll get you a bathtub. We're going down, down to the swap shop. Well, here's a swap shop fella. Let's go in and buy a bathtub. Come on.

[Lou Costello]

Swapping I am. Dandy.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello, friend. Kitzel?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, there. Come. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kitzel Rio swappy shoppie. Could I interest you in our beautiful imported painting? It came all the way from Buffalo Rome.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, Kitzel. Buffalo is in New York. There is no Buffalo Rome.

[Lou Costello]

You mean you never had o give me a word. Where have you boy? Where the deer and the Angelo play. Where seldom is heard and encouraging word and they break you an incompetent. What a slight.

[Bud Abbott]

All right. Please, please. Cut it out. Cut it out. Kitzel, have you got an old tub around here?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, but she's busy doing my ironing.

[Bud Abbott]

You ought to get her to iron you, Kitzel. You're all washed up.

[Lou Costello]

I'm all washed up. Stop. Could be.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Geto, Costello needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one?

[Lou Costello]

Have I got a bathtub? Gentlemen, just step over here and gaze on this beautiful piece of merchandise. What's our bathtub?

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. You mean that broken down thing over there? That top must be 100 years old. Pastelo, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around it. Now, now, now, Costello, that. That's a very nice tub. Oh it is, is it? Look at those funny looking legs on it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, pish posh. Funny looking. Click. Sonia.

[Bud Abbott]

Funny looking leg.

[Lou Costello]

Are you going to wash in it.

[Bud Abbott]

Or dance with it?

[Lou Costello]

This probably is a genuine antique and it was handed down from the Revolutionary War.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, Kitzel. There's a big crack in the enamel.

[Lou Costello]

Will that crack prove that it's an antique?

[Bud Abbott]

How did it happen? George Washington slipped. Here. But, but, but.

[Lou Costello]

Don't worry. The lady who owns the tub said.

[Bud Abbott]

She'Ll have the crack fixed. The method.

[Lou Costello]

Of course she wouldn't have said it.

[Bud Abbott]

My line. Thank you. Ketzel. I used to think you were a goat, but I'VE changed my mind.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, what do you think of me now?

[Bud Abbott]

You're a full fledged apprentice moron. Junior grade. Awesome. Marcella, we're wasting time. Look, how much do you want for the tub kids though?

[Lou Costello]

$14.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll give you eight.

[Lou Costello]

$8. $8 for this magnificent club? Why, I wouldn't even sell it to my own brother for $8. Just a second. Just a sec. I'll give you $8 for that tub project you blame. No.

[Bud Abbott]

Who is that?

[Lou Costello]

My brother.

[Bud Abbott]

How come he talks with such an accent?

[Lou Costello]

I can't understand. I never leave him out of my sight. Well, come, come.

[Bud Abbott]

She decides yet.

[Lou Costello]

$14 for the tub. And 14 it is. You see, I have only one prize.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll give you 10. That's my prize.

[Lou Costello]

Sold for $10. And there will be $35 for delivery.

[Bud Abbott]

$35 for delivery. No you don't, Kitchel. I'll take the tub home myself. On top of my car. Come on, Abbott, help me carry it out to the car. Crystal, how can we carry this tub out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. And now back to Abbott and Costello. Costello has just bought a secondhand bathtub and in order to save himself the cost of delivery, he's hauling it home on top of his car as we find them. Now Abbott is at the wheel and Costello is on top of the car, sitting in the bathtub to balance it. What a picture. One tub sitting in another. Hey, how are you getting along up there, Costello? Are you having trouble holding the tub on the top of the car?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Abbott, don't drive so fast. The tub is liable to fall off. I don't want to put another crack in my enamel.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind that. Are you comfortable sitting in the tub?

[Lou Costello]

No. It's awfully chilly up here. Hand me up the stopper for the tub.

[Bud Abbott]

Stopper? What for?

[Lou Costello]

Heels a little drafty around the drain? What's the idea of driving all over all those bumps?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, I'm trying to knock the ashes off my camels.

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[Bud Abbott]

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[Lou Costello]

Look out. Look out.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, what happened? Low bridge.

[Lou Costello]

Now will you watch where you're going?

[Bud Abbott]

Loud, isn't he? What's the trouble, officer? And what's the trouble? Is it. What do you think you're doing right around the street sitting on top of your car in a bathroom? Have you tried to find an apartment lately? Don't get messed with me young man and I'll come up there and scrub.

[Lou Costello]

Your back with his cloth. Oh yeah, Just because you got a uniform on you think you tough. Take your coat off just once, brother.

[Bud Abbott]

What about it?

[Lou Costello]

Much cooler that way, isn't it?

[Bud Abbott]

Look officer, we just bought a bathtub and we're in a hurry to get it home. I can't help that I'll have to give your fat friend a ticket for indecent exposure.

[Lou Costello]

What do you mean? I'm sitting in a tub but all you can see is my face? That's what I said. In decent exposure.

[Bud Abbott]

Now get along with you. Well, here we are, Costello. Home at last. Now how are you going to get this big tub into the house? How about you leave it to me? I'll back across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. If that tub is too big it won't go through the window.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, will you please let me handle this? Easy, wasn't it?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

I told you I'd get it through. Just a minute, just a minute. What are you two riding across my lawn with that car? Why, look at you. You ripped up my grass, crushed my petunias and shattered my gladiolas. Get back in the house before I fracture your hollyhocks.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, now, Costello, please Don't talk like that. This woman is your neighbor. Remember the old saying, you should love your neighbor?

[Lou Costello]

Okay, you brute, put me down. Castello, do you want me to call my father?

[Bud Abbott]

No, thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. No. Come on, Cassel, let's go in the house and connect the tough. Now, the first thing we have to do is to connect the pipes to the main. The main what? The water main. Where's the water main? I don't know, but the milk main will be here tomorrow. I'm talking about the water main what runs under the grass from the street to your house. Go first. Hello, fellas. Now, what do you want, Niles? We're busy. No. I heard you bought a bathtub, Costello, and I thought I'd help you install it. You know, I come from a mechanical family. Mechanical? Family is right. They're all wound up in jerky. Oh, break it up. Break it up, Costello. I'm going down the basement and connect the pipes from the tub to the hot water heater. You bore a hole in the floor and shove the pipes down through. Okay, Niles, you heard him. Now you're gonna help me. Hand me that drill. I gotta bore this hole. Say, you must do a lot of this work, Costello. Oh, I wouldn't say a great deal. Oh, I don't know. People say they always find you boring. Hey, Costello, what are you doing up there? Pour that hole and put the pipe through.

[Lou Costello]

I don't have to pour a hole, Abbott. I found a couple of holes in the floor already.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, wait a minute. You can use those. Those are not holes.

[Lou Costello]

What do you mean they're not holes?

[Bud Abbott]

They look like holes to me. Costella. They are holes, but they're not holes.

[Lou Costello]

How can they be holes if they're not holes?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costella, a not hole is a hole. But it's not like a hole. It's not a not hole.

[Lou Costello]

This guy can't even go down in a basement without starting a routine. Hey, Evan, who's on first?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

I like that routine better than the one you started.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you please shove those pipes down.

[Lou Costello]

Through the hole in the floor where I have it?

[Bud Abbott]

Look through the hole. You can see me. Hey, Abbott, how you change?

[Lou Costello]

Where did you get those little beady eyes and that mustache?

[Bud Abbott]

You're looking in the long hole. That's all right. Well, there is a strong family resemblance.

[Lou Costello]

Here comes the pipe, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Okay, I'll connect him to the hot water heater. You can get ready to take your bath. Oh, Boy, just think of it. My first bath in my new house. Excuse me, Ken, while I get in the tub and turn on a shower.

[Lou Costello]

Are you ready, Abbott? Already?

[Bud Abbott]

You can turn the water on. Oh boy. I'm singing in the rain I'm sliding down the drain. Oh, what?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, oh, oh my love, my love. Hand me a towel, hand me a towel.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, but I can't see you, Costello. Everything has suddenly gone black.

[Lou Costello]

The black is me connected the top to the oil furnace. Send me out of here.

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