Abbott And Costello 48-03-31 Lou Becomes AT-man

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Abbott & Costello 48-03-31 - Lou Becomes a T-Man

Date Released: August 28, 2025
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Featured Performers: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, supporting cast

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Brief Overview

In this lively episode from the "Golden Age of Radio," Abbott & Costello present a hilarious take on crime dramas, parodying detective movies as Lou Costello aims to become a "T-Man" (government agent). The episode is packed with fast-paced banter, sharp one-liners, slapstick situations, and playful misunderstandings—all hallmarks of Abbott & Costello's signature style. Alongside the comic story, musical interludes and a showcase of period humor immerse listeners in classic American radio entertainment.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Band Leader Banter and Wordplay

[00:44 – 02:34]

• The episode opens with Abbott and Costello sparring with their bandleader Matty Malnick, poking fun at musicians’ habits and Costello's confusion over words like “buffet.” Matty threatens to use his network connections, leading to a running joke about job security.
  • Quote:
    Abbott: “You should get more friendly with the boys.”
    Costello: “I invited him over to my house for a buffet supper.”
    Abbott: “Not Buffett supper. It’s buffet. The ‘t’ is silent.”
    Costello: “Not the way those guys drink it.” [01:40]

2. Susan Miller and Comic Gift-Giving

[02:48 – 05:12]

• Susan Miller visits, chiding Costello for arguing and blending wordplay with character-driven jokes.
• Costello gives Susan a peculiar “musical garbage can,” which launches another round of self-deprecating humor and elaborate compliments.
  • Quote:
    Costello: “You are a radiant vision of ethereal loveliness. And the cosmic vibrations of your mere presence fill my humble soul with palpitations of ecstasy.” [04:50]
• Ends with Susan promising a kiss to Costello, followed by a comic twist.

3. Marriage Mishaps and Domestic Jokes

[05:47 – 10:20]

• Abbott and Costello riff on marriage, with Costello explaining failed proposals due to comic circumstances (e.g., trying to propose between icebox and gas stove).
  • Quote:
    Abbott: “Why did you propose between the icebox and the gas stove?”
    Costello: “Because first she was hot, then she was cold.” [06:17]
• Mrs. Abbott joins in, trading warm insults about weight and home life, blending friendly bickering with classic domestic humor.
  • Quote:
    Mrs. Abbott: “You’re the only man in Hollywood with an ankle-length stomach.”
    Costello: “Used to be knee-length, but I let the hem out.” [08:09]

4. Costello Becomes a "T-Man"

[10:30 – 12:10]

• The plot takes off as Costello expresses his desire to become a “T-Man” (inspired by the film "T-Men"), and he’s promptly—if comically—recruited.
  • Quote:
    Costello: “I want to be a T-Man more than anything else in the world!” [11:20]
• He’s assigned to the “Blue Goose Cafe” at midnight, setting up the episode’s main parody.

5. Musical Interlude: Susan Miller Sings

[12:40 – 14:23 & 14:23 – 16:01]

• Heartening musical numbers (“With a Hey and a High and a Ho Ho Ho”), typical of the era’s variety format.
• Provides a tonal break and shows off period performance styles.

6. Comedy Detective Parody

[16:01 – 25:34]

• Abbott and Costello enter the underworld, facing criminals and shady establishments with their trademark misunderstandings.
  • They tangle with tough guys, make jokes about gambling and “flying horses,” and attempt to bluff their way through card games.
  • Quote:
    Costello: “Suppose we raid a burlesque show…”
    Abbott: “I’ll search them, and you watch them.”
    Costello: “I once investigated a bubble dancer—I busted it wide open!” [16:30]
• Costello accidentally wins big at dice but then finds the group is playing Monopoly, not poker.
  • Quote:
    Costello: “I got a full house and a two-car garage!” [24:16]
• The two try to perform a heroic “T-Man” raid and pronounce everyone under arrest.

7. Final Twist: The Wrong Assignment

[25:34 – End]

• The episode closes with the revelation that Costello misunderstood the job—he’s not a government agent but a “T-man” for the United Tea Company, assigned to sell tea to their best customer—the Blue Goose Cafe he has just trashed.
  • Quote:
    Chief: “You’re tea men for the United Tea Company… and the Blue Goose Cafe is one of our best customers!” [25:49]
  • Costello’s exasperated cry, “Get me out of here!” ends the episode on a high comic note.

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Memorable Quotes

• Costello: “When people see me, they’ll know why she keeps me a secret.” [05:05]
• Susan Miller: “I think it was very sweet of you to give me the present. And in appreciation, I’m going to give you a kiss that will make your toes curl.” [05:12]
• Abbott: “As a T-Man you’ll have to watch the racetracks for horses being doped.”
  Costello: “The horse win?”
  Abbott: “No, he was disqualified for flying over the grandstand.” [16:13]
• Costello (at the poker table): “Poker, you jerk. We’re playing Monopoly!” [24:18]

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Notable Moments & Timestamps

• [01:40] – Wordplay on “Buffet” and “Buffett”
• [04:50] – Costello’s elaborate compliment to Susan
• [06:17] – Hot-and-cold marriage joke
• [08:09] – “Ankle length stomach” zinger
• [11:20] – Costello’s earnest wish to be a T-Man
• [16:13] – “Doped horse” bit
• [24:18] – Monopoly punchline at the gambling table
• [25:49] – Final reveal: mistaken identity as tea salesmen

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Tone and Style

The episode is a rapid-fire showcase of vaudeville timing, witty insults, affectionate ribbing, and gleeful absurdity. The humor is light but sharp, with many classic puns, one-liners, and slapstick misunderstandings. The affection between Abbott & Costello is evident in their “straight man and stooge” interplay, balanced by the buoyant performances of the supporting cast and musical numbers.

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Conclusion

"Abbott & Costello 48-03-31: Lou Becomes a T-Man" is a perfect sample of Golden Age radio comedy, packing laughs, musical fun, and that unmistakable blend of farce and wordplay. Listeners old and new will delight in the duo’s misadventures—from bungled proposals to mistaken law enforcement—while savoring the rapid wit and period flavor that defined an era when America gathered around the radio for laughs.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Look, Estella, there's our band leader. Matty. Malnie. Look, he's just coming in the studio. You know, he's got a lot of nerve habits. What do you mean? I'm gonna talk to him. Hey, Malnick, what's the idea of showing up late again? Ah, shut up. This is my week off. But you were off last week, the week before that and. And the week before that. Mattie, you've got to put in more working hours. Which one are you, Taft or Hartley? I guess he told you, Abbott. He says he's gonna. He's gonna make this one of the highest class bands in the country. How's he going to do it? He's taking out all the brass and putting in stone. Sterling silver. Wait a minute. I think the band is pretty good as it is. There's only one thing wrong, Abbott. The harp is too loud. There's no harp in the band. What do you think that drummer is, Italian? That's no way to talk. That's no way to talk about a musician. You should get more friendly with the boys. Oh, I tried being friendly with the Mabbit. I invited him over to my house for a buffet supper. Not Buffett supper. It's buffet. The tea is silent. Not the way those guys drink it. Just a minute, Costello. I don't have to take that Gus from you. Oh, no? Now listen, Malik. I'm the boss of the show. And you get in the front of that band and start waving that sticker, I'll fire you. You can't fire me. I'll be on this show as long as I like. This week and next week. In fact, I'll be on it next year if I want. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. My brother in law happens to be vice president of this network. He is? Yes, he is. Would you fix it so I can be on the show next week? I've been robbed.

[A]

I've been robbed. I've been robbed. I tell you all. I've been robbed. No.

[B]

No. Who's that? Joe Walcott. She's been that way ever since he fought Joe Lewis.

[A]

Hello, boys.

[B]

Well, look who's here. It's Susan Miller.

[A]

Costello. You should be ashamed of yourself, fighting with Matty Malnick. He's a thorough musician.

[B]

How do you spell that thorough?

[A]

He's a clarinet player. Studied with the Los Angeles Dental College.

[B]

What would a clarinet player do with a dental college?

[A]

He used to sit there all day and make false toots.

[B]

That's a good one. You know, my Uncle Tom in Baltimore? He used to be a test pilot in the underwear factory. He used to let the flaps down on the union suits. Hey, you know, that. That was a good one, Lou. You know, before I married my wife, Betty, she used to be a mechanic in a candy factory. She used to tighten the nut on the peanut brittle. Please let me rest in peace. Why can't you let me rest in peace? Why do you keep digging me up? Every week you dig me up. Who are you, Joe Miller? Never mind him, Co. What's that present you said you bought for Susan?

[A]

A present for me? Why, Costello, you're wonderful.

[B]

Yes, I got it right here. Susan, I think you'll like this. Go ahead, lift off the COVID.

[A]

Oh, gee, it's wonderful, but what is it?

[B]

A musical garbage can. Shame on you, Costello. A garbage can for a fine girl like Susan. I'm sorry, Susan, but you know how I feel about you. You are a radiant vision of ethereal loveliness. And the cosmic vibrations of your mere presence fills my humble soul with palpitation of ecstasy. Was that me, Costella? Where'd I give you to finish? Fills my humble soul with palpitations of ecstasy. Don't you feel good, Lou? Yes. Where did you learn to talk like that? I used to write ads for Honest John.

[A]

Never mind. Costello, I think it was very sweet of you to give me the present. And in appreciation, I'm going to give you a kiss that will make your toes curl.

[B]

Ah. You couldn't give me a kiss that would make my toes curl up.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Come here. Well, so long, Curly.

[B]

You know, Abbott, she calls me her secret lover. Why? She says when people see me, they'll know why she keeps me a secret. Just a. Why don't you get serious with Susan? She'd make a good housewife. No girl is gonna make a housewife out of me. No? No, you idiot. Why don't you propose to Susan? I proposed her four times last night. How did she react? First she was hot, then she was cold. Then she was hot, then she was cold. Wait a minute. Where did you propose to her? Between the icebox and the gas stove.

[A]

Hey, dummy, hurry up before that joke cools off.

[B]

Dummy, why didn't you propose to her in the parlor? I couldn't have it. There were 50 guys playing pool in the parlor. Susan lives at the ymca. The ymca, idiot. They don't allow girls to live in the ymca. That's against the rules. Suppose they found out that Susan is living there. Who's gonna tell? Why do you pick such places to propose to a girl? Why don't you pick romantic places? Why don't you take her horseback riding in the park? I tried that too. I climbed off the horse, got down on my knees in front of her and jumped up. Then I got down on my knees again. Then I jumped up again. And then I got down on my knees again. And then I jumped up again. What was the matter? Were you nervous? I forgot to take off my spurs. That's the trouble with you, Castella. When you propose to a girl, don't let anything stop you. Oh, nothing will stop me. Now, if a girl says you've got to give her all your money, that won't stop me. Well, if she says to you you've got to stay home nights and help her with the housework, that won't stop me. And if she says she wants a family of 10 children, that stops me.

[A]

Hello, bub. Darling. Hello, Rufflehead. I mean Cello.

[B]

Hello, dear. Well, Castella's my wife. Aren't you going to say hello to my d. My little dumplings? I beg your pardon? I want you to say hello to my little dumpling. Hiya. Dump.

[A]

My Othello. Don't you look charming today. You and your new look shape.

[B]

What do you mean new look shape?

[A]

You're the only man in Hollywood with an ankle length stomach.

[B]

Used to be only knee length, but I let the hem out.

[A]

Well, you should have let the air out, you little wood.

[B]

Now, now, honey, Costello's stomach is not that big. Thanks, bud. My waistline is what you'd call a Republican waistline.

[A]

Republican waistline?

[B]

Yes, it's been out since 32 and is looking forward to 48. I'll never mind that, Costello. Aren't you glad to see my wife?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Aren't you glad to see my wife, lou? Oh, sure, Mrs. Abbott. You're a sight with sore eyes.

[A]

You mean I'm a sight for sore eyes.

[B]

Okay, you're a sight with four sore eyes.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with my eyes. I saw you going down Hollywood Boulevard yesterday with that redheaded bubble gum.

[B]

Yeah? Who was that red headed girl? I don't know her name, Abbott. But I call her Baseball. Why, she was Throwing going out at home. You really should find some nice girl and get married. Look how happy Betty and I are.

[A]

Yes, indeed, Costello. Buddy does just as I tell him. At home. I've got him eating out of my hands.

[B]

He has to. The dishes are all dirty. Costello, why do you always argue with Betty? Can't you say something nice to her? Okay, Abbott, I will. Mrs. Abbott, you remind me of a beautiful thing of nature growing out in the field.

[A]

Oh, do you really think.

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am. You got a shape like an old crabapple tree.

[A]

Well, thank you. And may I say that you too remind me of nature. When I see you, I think of a stroll through the beautiful orange groves of California.

[B]

Do I remind you of the orange trees?

[A]

No, the smudge pot.

[B]

Hell are you, my little potato, you sure left. You sure left him holding the bag.

[A]

Oh, no, my little potato, you always leave him holding the bag.

[B]

No, my little potato, you always leave him holding the bag. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple old potato bags.

[A]

Oh, good fuck.

[B]

You did it again, Castell. You can sell it to my wife. You just can't get along with anybody. No wonder girls won't have anything to do with you. Well, it ain't that, Abbott. The girls today are all looking for heroes. I know what I'll do. I'll be a hero. It's no use, Costelli. You'll never be a hero. You don't know how to act like a hero. No. I saw a picture last night called T Men. I watched every move they made. Those T men are real heroes, Abbott. I wish I was a t man. Mr. Carcello? Yes, what do you want? I hear you say that you wanted to be a team man. I'd rather be a team man than anything else in the world. Ah, that's the spirit. That's the kind of men we need. Would you mind working night? I'll work anytime. Okay, you've got the job. You are now a T man. You can start tonight. I want you to cover the night flood. Be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. Here's the address of our headquarters. Report back to me in the morning. Good night, Abbot. At last I'm a tea man. Wait until Mary Lou Bozo hears about this. She'll come crawling to me on her hands and knees. Why should Mary Lou crawl to you on her hands and knees? She'll have to. She's only nine months old. Oh, come on, cat fellow. I'm going to help you to make a. A good te. And that's only half the fun folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this. And now back to Abbott and Costello. Susan Miller sings out with a hey and a high and a ho ho ho.

[A]

With a hey and a high and the ho ho ho. You start off the day with a glow. Ho ho.

[C]

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[B]

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[A]

The way as you go ho ho with a hay and a high and the ho ho ho up go the blind and you know it ain't gonna rain anymore Ho ho Sun's gotta shine cause you made it so With a hay and a hind ho ho ho While you buy the paper Hum a little happy little hum Cut a little caper singing happiness here I come with a hey and a high and a ho ho ho. It's higher from the your head to your toe. Ho ho. Tag up your shoes and away they call it the hey and a H. A hey and a ho. A hey and a high and a ho ho ho. It ain't gonna rain anymore. Ho ho. Sun's gotta shine. Cause you made it so. With a hay and a high and a ho ho ho. While you buy the paper Hum a little happy little hum a little caper singing happiness here I come. With a hey and a high and a ho ho ho. You smile from your head to your toe. Ho ho. Pack up your blues and away they go. With a hey and a high, A hey and a high. A hey and a high and a ho ho ho. With a hay and a high and a hey and a high and a high and a.

[B]

Abbott, ain't it wonderful? I'm a real tea man. Boy, am I happy. Quiet, Costello. You must never disclose your identity. Even if you're captured by a mob of gangsters and they beat you over the head. Don't tell them who you are. I won't tell them who I am. The leader of the mob hits you on the head with a lead pipe. I won't tell them who I am. If three gangsters grab you and they all beat your head against the wall, I won't tell them who I am. Then a cop comes in to rescue you. I won't tell him who I am. Why, by then I won't know who I am. As a team man, you'll have to watch the racetracks for horses being doped. I saw a guy doping a horse the other day. He put dope in a horse's mouth, dope under the saddle, dope in the horse's legs. The horse win? No, he was disqualified for flying over the grandstand. Look, you dummy. Suppose we get a call from the chief of the T. Man to raid a gambling joint. Then we work as a team. I'll watch them and you search them. What if we raid a bookmaker's place? I'll watch them and you search them. Suppose we raid a burlesque show. I'll search him and you watch him. I'm used to that kind of work. I once investigated the case of the blond bubble dancer. How did you do? I busted it wide open. I don't believe you were ever a detective in a case in your life. I was so at it, I investigated the case of the murdered millionaire. I can see the body now, hanging from the chandelier. A knife Sticking in his back. Six bullet holes in his chest and a bottle of poison in his hand. I made out my report. What did you say caused his death? Old age. Gazelle, if you want to be a good tea man, read a lot of mystery books. That's no good, Abbott. They're too spooky. My uncle Jim Kelly was reading one the other night and he heard a noise downstairs. No. You mean he thinks he heard a noise downstairs. He sneaked downstairs. He saw a shadow. He thinks he saw a shadow. Then he heard a shot. He thinks he heard a shot. Where is Jim now? He thinks he's de. Well, never mind that. We're supposed to be at the Blue Goose Cafe at midnight. It's over on the other side of town. Now, what's the quickest way to get there? By boat. By boat? How can a boat get through the Los Angeles traffic? Something must be getting through. Cars ain't. Oh, come on. We're going. We're going to the Blue Goose Cafe. I don't like the looks of this part of town. Look. Look at that guy standing in front of that saloon wearing glasses. So what? Lots of people wear glasses with beer in them. I'm going to ask that ragged man where the Blue Goose Cafe is. Say, buddy, you look like you know this section of town. Here's a dime. I'd like some information about this neighborhood. Yeah? You got a lot of nerve. What do you think I'd do? Just some around the neighborhood. In the old days, I was a school teacher. But I gave it up. Why? You can make more money being a bum. But I was a good algebra teacher. I studied algebra for nine years. Do you find it useful? No. You don't want many people who speak algebra. I know how you feel, Mr. Bum. My uncle Mike was once a bum. He was so poor he had to roll his own cigarettes. Lots of people roll cigarettes from the gutter up to the sidewalk. It must be awful to have no money. They said you don't know what poverty is. Why, when I was born, my mother was so poor, the stork left me with the woman next door. That's very sad. You're like my poor cousin Vincent. He worked from the time he was five years old to save money to go to college. He was stuck up by crooks. They took his money. He was the first guy drafted in the war. Came back, couldn't get a job. He had to beg for money. Finally, he saved $12. He lost it in the stock market. He invented television. They stole his idea. Now he's writing a book about his life. What's the name of the book? Smile and the world smiles with you. Enough of this, Don. Look, do you know where the Blue Goose Cafe is? Yeah, it's two doors down the street. Come on, Costello, we're going into the Blue Goose Cafe. Hey, Costello, this is a pretty tough looking mob in here. Be careful what you say. They find out who we are, they may trap us in a dark room. I ain't afraid, Abbott. I'll use my gun. A gun won't help you in the dark room. Okay, then I'll get my knife. A knife won't do any good in a dark room. Then I'll get Jane Russell. What would you do with Jane Russell in the dark room? I'd brush my teeth. I brush your teeth? Certainly. You ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. Hey, but look at that gorgeous, lovely, beautiful girl over there. Here she comes.

[A]

Well, hello, cute and chubby. Hello. You can call me Dolores, Big Boy.

[B]

Hello, Dolores, Big Boy.

[A]

Hey, you know, you're sweet. Who would you like me to call you?

[B]

If you let me see the microphone, I'll take tell you. Could I have it again?

[A]

You know, you're kind of sweet. What would you like me to call you?

[B]

You could call me every five minutes. Watch yourself, Castello, watch yourself.

[A]

Say, Chubby, you don't do something to me. I'm gonna put my arms around you like this. Oh, and I'm gonna squeeze you like this. And now I'm gonna kiss you like this.

[B]

The Lord, the North. Could I take you to lunch someday?

[A]

How dare you. I hardly know you.

[B]

Miss. My partner. Didn't mean to be disrespectful.

[A]

I'm sorry, chubby. And to prove that I'm sorry, I'm gonna give you a kiss that'll send you. How is that?

[B]

Wonderful. Now can you give me one that'll bring me. Come here.

[A]

Now, what is it? Big Tony.

[B]

I don't like the looks of those two mugs. Find out who they are.

[A]

Okay, boss. Say, nice of you boys to drop in. By the way, what business are you in?

[B]

Why, we're just a couple, Castella. Castella. Don't tell us. That is, we're. We're a couple of. A couple of retired millionaires.

[A]

Say, look, if you're a couple of millionaires, maybe you'd like to gamble a little. We have a gambling room, you know.

[B]

Well, we might put a few nickels in the slot machine. Better not, Abbott. We've had such a drought in California this year. That even on the slot machines the oranges won't come up. I say, Dolores, is that big fellow who's watching us the owner?

[A]

Yeah, that's him. Big Tony. He's a real tough guy.

[B]

Oh, honey, I'm pretty tough myself. I can rip a telephone book in half.

[A]

You ought to be great in a fight.

[B]

Well, I don't know. In a fight you don't get much chance to rip a telephone book in half. Well, boys, how about little roulette? Like to try your luck? Oh, I don't. I don't think so, Mr. Tony. We're not much on gambling. Listen, I heard you guys say you were millionaires. See, all millionaires gamble. And you mugs are going to gamble.

[A]

Better do as he says.

[B]

He's pretty tough, Abbott. We'd better go into the gambling rooms. All right, he's coming out. All right, boys. Hey, Dolores, Dolores, that little fat guy is breaking the dice game. Look at that pile of chips he's got. Try to get him away from that dice table into the back room. I'll have the boys play a little cards with with him. All right, Costello, how many cards do you want? Oh, I'll play these. Look, Abbot, I got three aces and a pair of kings. Bet it all, Costelli. You can't lose. All right, you guys, cut out the whispering. What's your bet? $31,000. All the money I won in a dice game. I'll see you. What do you got? A full house? No good. I got a full house and a two car garage. You got a full house in the two car garage? What kind of poker game is this? Poker, you jerk. We're playing Monopoly. That did it, Abbott. Let's do our duty as team and tear this joint apart. You're all under arrest.

[A]

Everybody right back, right here.

[B]

Now, before Abbott and Costello have their final playing, we bring you one more thought on this subject. Well, here's the office of the Head Seaman Costello. Let's go in and make our report. Well, boys, how did you make out on the first assignment? This was te men. Oh, fine. We went to the Blue Goose Cafe and ripped the joint apart. What? You idiot. That was one of our best customers. Te men have customers? Why, sure. You're tea men for the United Tea Company. We sell tea. And the Blue Goose Cafe is one of our best customers. Get me out of here. I don't.