Abbott And Costello 48-05-05 The New Sheriff With Bela Lugosi

Summary

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Abbott and Costello: “The New Sheriff” with Bela Lugosi

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Air Date: October 4, 2025 (original episode from May 5, 1948)
Main Theme:
A comic horror caper unfolds as Lou Costello is appointed sheriff and sent to investigate mysterious goings-on at Bela Lugosi's spooky house. With classic Abbott and Costello banter, the episode blends slapstick, wordplay, and guest star Bela Lugosi’s macabre humor.

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Episode Overview

The comedic duo find themselves in a tongue-in-cheek crime caper, with Lou reluctantly named sheriff of Encino. Strange noises and eerie happenings next door lead to a haunted house adventure featuring Bela Lugosi, famous for his chilling horror roles. The episode is packed with running gags, zany misunderstandings, and fast-paced repartee.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedy Highlights

1. Classic Abbott & Costello Banter

• [01:26] Bud Abbott chastises Costello for being late.
• [01:28] Costello jokes about Lana Turner’s “necklace made out of her old wedding rings.”
• [01:44] Lou describes his girlfriend’s preferences as “bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, snacks. Bourbon.”

Notable Quote:

Lou Costello [01:44]: "What's she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, snacks. Bourbon."

2. Sheriff Appointment and Wordplay

• [03:42] Costello lobbies to be made sheriff so he “can pinch every cook”—then corrects to crook (“You pinch what you like and I’ll pinch what I like”).
• [05:14] Abbott tests Costello’s knowledge of legal terms; the duo riff on “defense” vs “a fence.”

Notable Quote:

Lou Costello [05:20]: “Why should I put up a defense? I already put up at the wall around my house. I also got at the hedge in the backyard. Why do I have to put up a defense?”

3. Classic Slapstick: Costello’s Antics

• [04:03] Costello explains why he overslept: he dreamed he was a pincushion in a room full of balloon dancers.
• [08:08] Costello pleads for a sheriff’s badge, claiming, “I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth.”

Notable Quote:

Lou Costello [08:08]: "I’m tired of holding up my pants with my teeth."

4. Introduction of Bela Lugosi and the Spooky House

• [10:19] Lugosi’s entrance: “I’d like to see the sheriff.”
• [10:51] With delicious menace, Lugosi says: “I’ll put it in simple language even a moron can understand.”
• The team is tasked with investigating Bela’s house, which is filled with bats, caskets, robots, and more.

Notable Quote:

Bela Lugosi [11:06]: “That was my business.” (When grilled about screams, gunshots, and dead bodies.)

• [11:26] Lugosi: “It’s the only house in Encino where every room has a bat.”

Notable Quote:

Bela Lugosi [11:26]: “And a strange man should suddenly appear with a long, sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat … refuse him.”

5. Hilarious Haunted House Gags

• [15:26–17:23] The duo arrive at the house. Lugosi offers dreadful culinary suggestions (“rattlesnake burger covered with pickled toads and diced bat wings,” “shrouded wheat”).
• [18:03] Lugosi ominously references a pile of freshly dug dirt (“Well, that’s not a vegetable garden”).
• Running jokes about skeletons and ghosts culminate in Costello’s classic cowardice.

Notable Quote:

Lou Costello [20:09]: “I can’t tell. His head is missing. I’m getting out of here, Abbott.”

6. The Vampire Girl

• [22:58] A mysterious, beautiful “vampire girl” is released from a secret panel, saying she’s been under a spell for over a thousand years.
• She proceeds to flirt with Costello and offers him a kiss, to which he quips about her age and “material.”

Notable Quotes:

The Vampire Girl [23:08]: “You released me from a hypnotic spell I’ve been under for over a thousand years.”
Lou Costello [24:09]: “Didn’t have enough material, eh?”

• [25:13] She disappears, leaving Costello literally holding “her hand” from behind the panel.

7. Resolution and Lugosi’s Exit

• [26:06] The denouement: Lugosi insists he’s leaving due to a parking violation (“I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone and you know those Los Angeles cops.”), not because of any supernatural goings-on.

Notable Quote:

Bela Lugosi [26:25]: “I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone and you know those Los Angeles cops. Good night, Mr. Costello.”

• [26:39] Costello wishes he’d known Lugosi “when he was alive.”

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Bud Abbott [01:32]: “Lana Turner has a new necklace?”
• Lou Costello [02:21]: “Yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it.” (On marriage)
• Bud Abbott [05:03]: “To do criminal work, you have to know something about the law.”
• Bela Lugosi [11:26]: “It's the only house in Encino where every room has a bat.”
• Lou Costello [20:09]: “I can’t tell. His head is missing.”
• The Vampire Girl [23:08]: “You released me from a hypnotic spell…”
• Bela Lugosi [26:25]: “I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone…”

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Memorable Moments & Comic High Points

• The convoluted misunderstanding over “defense” vs “a fence” [05:09–05:36]
• Costello spelling out his desire for a badge and the punchline about holding up his pants [08:08]
• Bela Lugosi’s deadpan delivery and sinister gusto throughout
• Costello’s terror at the haunted house (“What are you doing? I’m kissing her hand!” [25:26])

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:26] — Opening Banter: Abbott chastises Costello, Lana Turner gag
• [03:42] — Sheriff Campaign: Wordplay about cooks and crooks
• [08:08] — Desire for a Badge
• [10:19] — Bela Lugosi's Entrance: Introduction of the horror element
• [15:26–20:00] — Spooky House Scenes: Gags about food, skeletons, robots, and strange noises
• [22:58] — The Vampire Girl Appears: Flirtatious comedy and memorable lines
• [26:06] — Lugosi’s Exit: The anticlimactic parking gag

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Tone and Style

Faithful to the original Abbott and Costello formula—fast-paced, full of puns, slapstick, and quick-witted comebacks. Bela Lugosi’s dry, almost gleefully ominous delivery sends up his horror persona in a family-friendly roast.

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For First-Time Listeners

If you love classic comedy, quick-fire wordplay, and a healthy dose of Halloween fun, this Golden Age radio episode is a wonderful example. The chemistry between Bud Abbott and Lou Costello keeps things rapid and absurd, and Bela Lugosi’s cameo is a comic treat for fans of classic monster movies.

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Transcript

[Bud Abbott]

Limu. Emu and Doug.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the Emu music. Limu.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save. We save.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

That may have been too much feeling.

[Bud Abbott]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[Lou Costello]

Liberty.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty.

[Lou Costello]

Liberty.

[Bud Abbott]

Savings vary underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, what time is it?

[Bud Abbott]

It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan, the music of Maddie Malley. Hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Evan and Luke Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella. Castella. You're late again.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I was watching the girls, admiring Lana Turner's new necklace.

[Bud Abbott]

Lana Turner has a new necklace?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, made out of her old wedding rings.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, who is that girl you were out with last night?

[Lou Costello]

Ah, that's my. That's my new girl.

[Bud Abbott]

What's she like, Lou?

[Lou Costello]

What's she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, snacks. Bourbon.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, where did you meet this girl?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, at the Palladium. I asked her for a dance.

[Bud Abbott]

Did you dance the foxtrot, the tango or the waltz?

[Lou Costello]

The one step.

[Bud Abbott]

The one step.

[Lou Costello]

One step. And I changed my mind about dancing with her.

[Bud Abbott]

Why? Wasn't she a good dancer?

[Lou Costello]

No, but she makes you forget about dancing. During intermission, when I took her home, I kissed her goodnight and got a real kick out of it.

[Bud Abbott]

She kisses that good?

[Lou Costello]

No, her father caught us. Right.

[Bud Abbott]

Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why don't you settle down and get married?

[Lou Costello]

Not me. Abbott. Getting married is like going to a cafeteria.

[Bud Abbott]

Like a cafeteria?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

It's Sam.

[Lou Costello]

But if you're fighting crime, you'll need a man like me. Appoint me sheriff and I'll go from house to house and pinch every cook.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, not every cook. You mean you'll pinch every crook.

[Lou Costello]

You'll pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like. Just tell the youth you pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like.

[Bud Abbott]

You said that. You said that.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Ow.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella, why were you late tonight?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I overslept, Abbott. I had a very peculiar dream. I dreamed I was a pin cushion in a room full of balloon dancers and Am I mad?

[Bud Abbott]

Why are you mad?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop. Right after next week, I'm gonna get my own room. I can't sleep with my brother Pat anymore. All night long he dreams he's Roy Rogers.

[Bud Abbott]

Why should that disturb you?

[Lou Costello]

He also dreams I'm triggered. Heaven. If you will appoint me Sheriff Vincino, I'll clean up the town. I'll mop up all the pool rooms. I'll clean out all the saloons. I'll scour the alleys. How can you do that on the side? I'm a street cleaner.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella, if I make you the new sheriff, you've got a lot of great men to follow. Listen to the records of the backgrounds. Sheriff Jones, redcoats, Northwest Mountain, 1931. Sheriff Brown, redcoats, Northwest Mounted, 1938.

[Lou Costello]

Sheriff Costello, sports coach Bullock, spaceman, 1975.

[Bud Abbott]

To do criminal work, you have to know something about the law. For instance, do you know how to put up a defense?

[Lou Costello]

Well, sure, all you have to. Could I have that again?

[Bud Abbott]

I said, do you know how to put up a defense?

[Lou Costello]

Why should I put up a defense? I already put up at the wall around my house. I also got at the hedge in the backyard. Why do I have to put up a defense?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, Costello, when I say you put up a defense, I don't mean you put up a fence like you do when you put up a fence. I mean a defense like when you put up a defense.

[Lou Costello]

But I tinker you nuts. No. You think.

[Bud Abbott]

It'S no use. You wouldn't know how to act in a criminal investigation anyhow.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, is that so? I was down in a morgue yesterday to see a gangster that was killed. I lifted up the sheet and there he lay. The corpus delicatessen. That.

[Bud Abbott]

That dummy Corpus delicti. Not corpus delicatessen.

[Lou Costello]

This was a corpus delicatessen. He was stabbed with a salami. Right.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Well, I knew you were cleaning up Encino, but you didn't have to dump that heap of rubbish here on the stage.

[Lou Costello]

Rubbish?

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Honey.

[Bud Abbott]

I've appointed Costello as sheriff of Encino. He's going to chase all the criminals out of town.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Well, buddy, you ought to put me on that job. You know, I'm a regular bloodhound.

[Lou Costello]

From the looks of your ears, you must be pot. Cocker spaniel too.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

I don't want to take any more insults from you, Costello. I can see through you. I've got eyes like a hawk and.

[Lou Costello]

A beak to match.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. How dare you insult my Wife? She's beautiful. Why, before I married her, she had men falling in her feet.

[Lou Costello]

And why not? She was refereeing fights at the Legion Stadium.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Oh, you pigeon puss. Popeyed penguin. When I was a girl living in the country, boys used to court me from 10 miles away.

[Lou Costello]

They had to. They were afraid to come any closer.

[Bud Abbott]

Pay no attention to money. Say, that's a pretty hat you're wearing, dear.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

I just bought it. Do you think I should wear it.

[The Vampire Girl]

To one side off the face?

[Lou Costello]

If you're smart, you'll wear it over your face.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Oh, no life, no life. By the way, buddy, I got some new shoes too. Do you like them? They're pumps.

[Lou Costello]

On you they look good. Well, thanks, considering that your legs look like pump handles.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Oh, how dare you. I have beautiful legs.

[Lou Costello]

You're bowling.

[Bud Abbott]

My wife is not bowling.

[Lou Costello]

She's the only woman in the world that can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Oh, goodbye.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, for selling my wife. I'm not going to make you sheriff of Encino. And I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, please, Abbott, let me be the sheriff. I've always wanted a badge. Everybody's got a badge but me. A cop has a badge, a fireman has a badge. Even a little Boy Scout has a badge. Abbott, I've just gotta have a badge.

[Bud Abbott]

But why do you have to have a badge?

[Lou Costello]

I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, all right. I hereby appoint you Sheriff of Encino. Step forward and I'll pin this badge on your shirt.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, Abbott. I mean, your honor.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Abbott Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Hold still, I'm tearing your shirt.

[Lou Costello]

I ain't wearing any shirt.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, we're going over to the sheriff's office in Encina right now so you can start to work immediately. Well, Sheriff Costello, you can take over at once.

[Lou Costello]

I've got it at it. What man broke into your room? Yes, ma'. Am. I'll put it on the police radio right away. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Go to 237 Mulberry St. An old maid found a burglar in her room. Proceed with caution. The old maid is armed.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, you're catching on to your job fast.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Darling, I'm glad I found you here. I have news for you. I just picked up a cent.

[Lou Costello]

Here's nice sense more. Grab a bus and get out of town.

[Bud Abbott]

Cut that out, Costello. My wife may be in trouble.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Oh, that's right, buddy dear, something terrible has just happened.

[Lou Costello]

What did I do? Find your birth certificate.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, pay attention to my wife. As the Sheriff of Encino, it's your duty to hear her out.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if it'll make you happy, I'll throw her up.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind him, dear. Let's hear your story.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Well, for the last couple of nights there's been a lot of strange noises. Screams and gunshots coming from that empty house next door to us. Suddenly, at 2 o' clock in the morning, as I was standing by the stove making fudge.

[Bud Abbott]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

What happened? Oh, she burned her fudge.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

No. I saw Mr. Mysterious man peering out of the attic window. He made an ugly face at me like this.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, don't do that.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

I haven't made the face yet.

[Lou Costello]

How can I tell?

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet, Gonzale. This may be more serious than you think.

[Bela Lugosi]

I'd like to see the sheriff.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Oh, that's him.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

That's the mysterious man.

[Bud Abbott]

Gazella, look, it's Bela Lugos.

[Lou Costello]

Gee.

[Bud Abbott]

Villa Lugosi. Just a minute, Costella. Mr. Lugosi, I am the chairman of the Committee for Crime Prevention in Encino. Now, just what is the nature of your complaint?

[Bela Lugosi]

Well, I put it in a simple language that even a moron can understand.

[Bud Abbott]

Step aside, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

He's talking to me. Now listen, Lugosi, I'm the sheriff around here and I'm gonna ask you some questions. Now, what were those screams in your house at midnight?

[Bela Lugosi]

That was my business.

[Lou Costello]

And what about those gunshots?

[Bela Lugosi]

That's my business.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

Ask him about those dead bodies in.

[Bela Lugosi]

The basement is also my business.

[Lou Costello]

This guy is doing a heck of a business.

[Bud Abbott]

That settles it, Costello. You, a sheriff, will have to investigate and search Lugosi's house tonight at midnight.

[Bela Lugosi]

You be like the house, Costello. It's the only house in Encino where every room has a bat. And a strange man should suddenly appear with a long, sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat. Yes, refuse him.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott. Take back the badge. I don't want to be sheriff anymore.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Get me out of here now. And that's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Sam.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Susan Miller with Matty Malnack and his orchestra has a springtime story about the Dicky Bird song.

[I]

A dicky bird whispered haven't you heard? Spring is here Spring is here Spring is here A little crow sang a happy hello Favorite time of the year A little frog sang a song on his log Lose your blues Lose your blues Lose your blues and you and I fell in love in reply on hearing the dicky bird's news if you have to look around to find the reason for such a wonderful thing. You can blame it on the sentimental season. Falling in love is done in the sp. A bobolink looked at us with a wink. At a boy, at a girl. Nothing's wrong when you're in love. You go swinging along singing a dicky bird song. If you have to look around to find the reason for such a wonderful thing. You can blame it on the settlement of season. Falling in love is done in the spring the bobolinka looked at us with a wink. At a boy, at a girl. Nothing's wrong when you're in love. You'll go swinging along singing a dicky bird song, that's all.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, here we are at Bela Lugosi's house.

[Lou Costello]

Habit, Shuffle, Duck and that house.

[Bud Abbott]

But you've got to go in there. You're the sheriff. You've got to go in there and look for the trouble.

[Lou Costello]

Couldn't I look for it out here? There's more light.

[Bud Abbott]

Look at me. I'm not scared.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Shh.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott. I think I hear something. Or is it my imagination? Thank goodness it was only my imagination.

[Bela Lugosi]

Well, Sheriff Costello, I see you have come to investigate my house. Come in. I make myself a sandwich.

[Lou Costello]

What kind of a sandwich?

[Bela Lugosi]

It's a rattlesnake burger covered with pickled toads and diced bat wings.

[Lou Costello]

Do you put ketchup on it? What?

[Bela Lugosi]

To get heartburn? It's too bad you won't be here for breakfast. We are having shrouded wheat.

[Lou Costello]

Shrouded wheat? Abbot, look. There's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it.

[Bud Abbott]

Rubber sheets in it?

[Bela Lugosi]

Yes. I line all my caskets with rubber sheets to the rain time. Get in. Why, my beer is the dry beer.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, Costello, look at that funny looking machine over there in the corner.

[Bela Lugosi]

That's my Sears machine. On that I manufacture robots.

[Lou Costello]

Get it, Abbott? Sears are robots.

[Bud Abbott]

One of you will soon be dead. One of you will soon be dead.

[Lou Costello]

Which one?

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be so choosy.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott. I'm getting out of here. I don't like the looks of this place. Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, lots of people have grandfather's clocks.

[Lou Costello]

With their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendle on them.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind that, Costello. Question Lugosi about the house.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Lugosi, where is the former owner of this house?

[Bela Lugosi]

Do you see that pile of freshly dug dirt in the corner?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, sir.

[Bela Lugosi]

Well, that's not a vegetable garden.

[Lou Costello]

That's strange. I thought I felt a draft on My neck. What's strange about that? I have no neck.

[Bud Abbott]

Mr. Lugosi, what are you whispering for?

[Lou Costello]

I was born in a library.

[Bud Abbott]

I had to stay there six months.

[Lou Costello]

How come?

[Bela Lugosi]

My father lost his card.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, look Costello, there's a skeleton in this room.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, there's two skeletons in this room.

[Bud Abbott]

Two skeletons?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, I just jumped out of my stint. Hey Abbott, look. Lugosi has just disappeared through that wall. Pardon me. Abbott, I want to see somebody outside. Who? Me.

[Bud Abbott]

Come back here, Costello, you're scared. Why don't you sing? Go ahead and sing. It'll keep up your courage. Carry me back to old Virginie.

[Lou Costello]

You keep singing like that and they'll drag you back. Who are you? I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of Richard the Lion Hearted.

[Bela Lugosi]

Who are you?

[Lou Costello]

I'm Costello, the chicken livered.

[Bud Abbott]

Mr. Ghost. Costello is a sheriff and we've got to investigate this house.

[Lou Costello]

Why don't you start in the cellar? Here, here, I'll open the door for you. You can go right down those stairs.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, where are you? I'm down in the cello rabbit.

[Lou Costello]

But look out for that first step. It's a lulu.

[Bud Abbott]

It's all right, Castella. Here I am. I've turned on this flashlight and we'll take a look around.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, quick, look over there. There's a body on the floor.

[Bud Abbott]

Is he dead?

[Lou Costello]

I can't tell. His head is missing. I'm getting out of here. Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, what are we? Nicer men?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around. Look, Mila Lagosa's back.

[Bela Lugosi]

Costello, it is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar. I'm in a bloodthirsty mood. So far this week I've only killed nine people.

[Lou Costello]

This guy sounds like a California driver.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, Lugosi. Costello is the sheriff of this town and you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar.

[Bela Lugosi]

Yes, I know he lives here.

[Lou Costello]

But he's dead. He's dead I tell you. Why don't you throw him out? I can't.

[Bela Lugosi]

His rent is paid up until June 1st.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Costello, we've got to continue with the search.

[Bela Lugosi]

Well, go ahead with your search if you want me. I've been the morgue. Lying on my slab. That's where I'm happiest. I'm lying on my slab.

[Lou Costello]

Don't look now, Abbott, but I think he's a little slab. Happy?

[Bud Abbott]

Come on Costello, let's look in this room.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Open the Door.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, what in the world was that?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know and I ain't getting down off this channel here to find out.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on down here, Costello. Hey, look, I just found a secret closet.

[Lou Costello]

Let's open it now.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't touch that door, Costello. Look at that sign. It says this closet has never been opened in over 175 years.

[Lou Costello]

I don't believe that. I'm gonna open it.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

To arms. To arms.

[Bud Abbott]

The British are coming.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The British are coming.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Costello, where are you?

[Lou Costello]

I'm hiding over here under this bed.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, crawl out from under that bed.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, now. I wonder who put that piggy bank under here.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, look, Costello, there's a panel sliding open in that wall.

[The Vampire Girl]

Ah, gentlemen, how can I ever thank you? You released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Abbott, she's beautiful. Tell me, miss, are you a mummy?

[The Vampire Girl]

Oh, no, I'm not even married.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, you're lovely. Where did you come from?

[The Vampire Girl]

I remember coming here on Noah's Ark with all the animals. They all came in pairs. The birds came in pairs, the rabbits came in pairs.

[Bud Abbott]

Did everything come in pairs?

[Lou Costello]

Everything but the worms. They come in apples.

[The Vampire Girl]

What are you two doing here?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house.

[The Vampire Girl]

I can help you. I know this house. I've got the inside.

[Lou Costello]

What you've got on the outside ain't bad either.

[Bud Abbott]

Be careful.

[Lou Costello]

Didn't have enough material, eh.

[Bud Abbott]

Lo?

[Lou Costello]

Lo?

[Bud Abbott]

Be careful. This girl is a vampire. She may be dangerous. And besides, she's a thousand years old.

[Lou Costello]

You ought to be able to handle a rabbit.

[Bud Abbott]

She's the same age as your wife.

[The Vampire Girl]

Which one of you gallant gentlemen open that panel and release me.

[Lou Costello]

I did.

[The Vampire Girl]

Ah. I'm going to reward you. Come, put your arms around me. I'm going to kiss you.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

There.

[The Vampire Girl]

How was that, Abbot?

[Lou Costello]

This kid is more than a thousand years old.

[The Vampire Girl]

Ah, you're very sweet. You remind me of an actor I used to go with 500 years ago.

[Bud Abbott]

Really? You went with an actor 500 years ago? What was his name?

[Lou Costello]

Al Johnson. What's that?

[The Vampire Girl]

Oh, it's. It's Lugosi coming back. He mustn't find me here. I've got to get back behind my panel. But before I go, you may take my hand and kiss it.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, what are you doing?

[Lou Costello]

I'm kissing her hand.

[Bud Abbott]

But Costello, the girl is gone. She's gone back behind that panel.

[Lou Costello]

Now, wasn't she sweet? She gave me her hand. A kiss I've got her hand and I'm holding it in mine and she's gone now, isn't that.

[Lou Costello's Wife (possibly Betty)]

She's gone, Mom. I still got her hand up.

[Lou Costello]

What are you trying to do, wake up the living. Costello. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

It's Belosi. He's coming towards us.

[Bela Lugosi]

Well, Sheriff Costello, I got to go now before I get into trouble with the police.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week?

[Bela Lugosi]

No, it's not there.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you afraid of the police because of the dastardly crimes you've committed?

[Bela Lugosi]

No, it's not there.

[Bud Abbott]

Then why are you afraid of the police?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, why? Why do you have to leave here so suddenly?

[Bela Lugosi]

I just remembered I left my car parked in a one hour zone and you know those Los Angeles cops. Good night, Mr. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Good night, Mr. Lagosa.

[Bud Abbott]

Isn't he a lovely chap, Costello?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, he sure is. I'd like to have known him when he was alive. It.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Sam.

[Narrator/Announcer]

And now here are Evan and Costello with the final words.

[Bud Abbott]

Folks, the contest we are running on our Saturday morning Abbott and Tesla kids show now has a jackpot of over $29,000.

[Lou Costello]

Get out of this contest, folks. We believe it is the biggest contest ever and for the greatest cause.

[Bud Abbott]

The purpose is to combat juvenile delinquency.

[Lou Costello]

And by entering you can win a $5,000 mink code, a $5,000 airplane, a $3,000 trailer, a live baby elephant, thousands of dollars worth of diamonds and loads of other big prizes totaling over $29,000.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen Saturday morning over most of these stations. Good night, folks.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick's orchestra. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC stat.

[Sam (Sound Effect or Minor Character)]

Sam.