Abbott And Costello 48-05-12 Bud And Lou Get The Ratings Of Their Show

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Abbott & Costello 48-05-12 – Bud and Lou Get the Ratings of Their Show"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 5, 2025 (Original Air Date: May 12, 1948)
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Cast: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Susan Miller, Maddie Malnick Orchestra

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Abbott and Costello Show takes listeners back to the golden era of radio comedy, blending fast-paced banter, classic wordplay, and playful sketches. Bud and Lou, as ever, riff on their on-stage personas, tackling listener ratings, career memories, and a host of zany characters. The show leans into self-referential humor about its own popularity, giving listeners a rare peek behind the curtain of old-time radio’s competitive world of ratings, while never straying far from its signature slapstick and vaudeville-style routines.

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Main Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Classic Abbott and Costello Banter and Gags

The episode opens with trademark rapid-fire exchanges, with Costello’s goofy mistakes setting up Abbott’s straight-man responses.

• Hollywood Boulevard Mishaps:
  • Costello is on Hollywood Boulevard with a camera, joking about taking bad celebrity photos and wearing a shirt with a comically high collar:
    • “The collar's too high. Every time I sneeze, my head disappears.” (01:15, Costello)
• Family Antics:
  • Lou regales Abbott with stories about his offbeat family—including an uncle who invents magnetized cheese for catching rats, but can't get it off his hands—and an aunt with “seven husbands.”
    • “She finally hit the jerk pot.” (01:46, Costello)

2. Meta-Humor on Ratings and Audience

The heart of the episode centers around Abbott and Costello's anxiety about their show’s ratings. They riff on who’s really listening, spar with each other over the number of listeners, and ultimately decide to conduct a tongue-in-cheek “radio poll” in their neighborhood.

• Reading the Ratings Letter:
  • Costello mistakenly opens a letter with their audience numbers:
    • “Over 12 million people listen to our show.” (15:12, Abbott)
    • “I figured it out, and we got 90 million listeners.” (17:51, Costello)

3. Musical Interlude

Susan Miller, the show’s musical guest, offers a “Latin treat,” performing "Bahia" and lending the show an air of classic radio variety entertainment.

• (13:01–15:05, Susan Miller vocal performance)

4. Surveying the Listening Audience – Door-to-Door Gag

Bud and Lou’s door-to-door listener poll is a centerpiece of the episode, delivering a rapid string of comic set pieces featuring quirky neighbors:

• Doctor’s Office:
  • Abbott and Costello meet a doctor who listens to them while doing surgery:
    • “I always listen to it when I'm performing an operation.” (21:09, Doctor)
• Contest-Obsessed Listener:
  • A neighbor is consumed by a violent radio contest bit, parodying sensationalist programming:
    • “Cut his body crisscross down the front, then with the scissors, cut off his ears...” (21:44, Neighbor)
• Woman with Ukulele Excuse:
  • Another woman keeps refusing a date, using increasingly unlikely excuses involving her ukulele.

5. Classic One-Liners and Physical Comedy

True to the spirit of Abbott and Costello, puns fly fast and wordplay abounds:

• On Pressing and Irony:
  • Costello mixes up "depressing" and "pressing":
    • “Every Saturday I do depressing... To do the pressing.” (05:32, Costello)
• On the “Pedestrian Death Sentence”:
  • Costello laments losing his license:
    • “They're going to give me a death sentence... from now on, I'm a pedestrian.” (04:43, Costello)
• Abbott's Exasperation:
  • “I tell you, you get more stupid every day. I'm beginning to think that you're a dope.” (05:06, Abbott)
  • Costello, misunderstanding: “Sure, I've always—what did you say?” (05:10, Costello)

6. Interactions with Side Characters

Susan Miller appears in several sketches, including flirtatious exchanges with Costello about dating and marriage:

• June Weddings and Good Humor:

  • “You want to be all dressed in white and hear bells ring!” (08:00, Abbott)
  • “You will if you sell good humor.” (08:08, Costello)

• Running Gag with Mrs. Abbott:

  • Costello delivers backhanded compliments and misidentifies Mrs. Abbott’s gloves.

• Professor Mellonhead’s Insult-Filled Cameo:

  • Professor Mellonhead disparages Costello’s humor:
    • “When I hear your jokes, Costello, there's a strange, devastating, nauseating, obnoxious, odoriferous condition that permeates copiously and offensively from the loudspeaker...” (24:55, Mellonhead)

7. Radio vs Vaudeville, and a Future in Television?

A nostalgic (and gently self-mocking) discussion ensues about their journey from vaudeville to radio, and the possibility of moving into television.

• “Here we are in radio… And who knows, we may be in television. Then the people will… see us.” (16:16–16:20, Abbott and Costello)
• Costello jokes about his uncle buying a $30,000 television (including the cocktail lounge that came with it). (16:43, Costello)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Abbott (15:12): “This is a report on our rating. It says over 12 million people listen to our show. Wonderful!”
• Costello (01:46): “She finally hit the jerk pot.”
• Abbott (05:06): “I tell you, you get more stupid every day. I'm beginning to think that you're a dope.”
• Doctor (21:09): “I always listen to it when I'm performing an operation.”
• Professor Mellonhead (24:55): “When I hear your jokes, Costello, there's a strange, devastating, nauseating, obnoxious, odoriferous condition that permeates copiously and offensively from the loudspeaker...”
• Costello (17:51): “That rating is wrong. I figured it out, and we got 90 million listeners.”

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Key Segments with Timestamps

• 00:00–03:00: Opening banter, Lou’s family stories, and running gags
• 04:00–06:00: Costello’s arrest story and wordplay around “pedestrian”
• 06:21–09:00: Susan Miller appearance, gags about marriage and dating
• 11:01–12:28: Banter about radio audiences (men, women, children, and even dogs)
• 13:01–15:05: Susan Miller’s musical performance (“Bahia”)
• 15:07–16:47: Ratings revealed, vaudeville reminiscence, radio vs. television jokes
• 17:51–20:22: Inane math on audience numbers, Costello’s “90 million listeners” bit, attempt to poll listeners
• 20:40–24:01: House-to-house poll sketches, including doctor and ukulele woman
• 24:51–26:18: Professor Mellonhead’s comedic insult fest
• 26:27–27:01: Tallying the audience (“175 listeners, counting two dogs in Glendale”)
• 28:16–28:42: Closing contest plug and sign-off

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Summary and Takeaways

This is Abbott and Costello at their classic best: relentless puns, vaudevillian gags, and a playful takedown of radio’s own anxieties about popularity and ratings. The episode seamlessly mixes inside jokes about the broadcast world with the duo’s established character dynamics. Susan Miller’s musical interlude adds variety and nostalgia. Listeners are given a loving send-up of radio measurement systems, a trip down memory lane to vaudeville, and a satirical look forward to the rise of television.

The show’s closing moments plug a massive contest to benefit “combat juvenile delinquency,” with tongue-in-cheek prizes including “a live baby, thousands of dollars worth of diamonds, and loads of other big prizes” (28:19–28:42).

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Final Word

Whether you’re a fan of classic comedy or simply curious about vintage radio’s golden age, this episode captures the lightning-in-a-bottle chemistry of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello—proof that even worries about ratings can set the stage for riotous laughs and timeless entertainment.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, Abbott, what time is it?

[B]

It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood.

[A]

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show.

[B]

Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Miller and the music of Maddie ma. Hold on to your tears, folks, for here they are. Put Abbot and Luke Castella. Castella, come here. What are you doing here on Hollywood and bull. What are you doing on Hollywood Boulevard with that camera?

[A]

I take a picture, call a movie star.

[C]

Here's one.

[A]

I took a Betty cannon, but it didn't come out so good.

[B]

Why not? No, no. Well, never mind that. Just look at you. Your appearance is disgraceful. Why don't you wear that new shirt I gave you for your birthday?

[C]

I can't.

[A]

The collar's too high. Every time I sneeze, my head disappears.

[B]

Gonzela, why didn't you say in Patterson Lu J. Why did your family have to come to California?

[C]

We came out here.

[A]

So? My uncle Michaela's invention. He invented magnetized cheese for catching rats.

[B]

Magnetized cheese for catching rats?

[A]

Yes. And this cheese is so powerful that any rat will stick to it like glue.

[B]

Then why doesn't. Your uncle might sell it.

[A]

He can't get it out of his hand.

[B]

Why did your aunt May ever marry uncle Mike in the first place?

[A]

Because he was kind of lonely after a seventh husband ran away from home. Ah.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Your aunt May had seven husbands?

[A]

Oh, yes. What a gamble she took with love. Oh, yes. But when she married uncle Mike, she finally hit the jerk pot. The first night they were married, my uncle Mike swept in the icebox.

[B]

Wasn't he frozen stiff?

[A]

Oh, sure, but he'd rather be frozen stiff than cold sober.

[B]

Where. Where did they go? Where did they go on their honeymoon? Niagara Falls.

[A]

Niagara Falls? Are you kidding, Abbott? My aunt may have been in Niagara Fall. The only kick she gets out of Niagara falls would be going over it in a barrel.

[B]

That's the way to talk about your aunt May. Did they have a big reception after the wedding, Lou?

[A]

Oh, yes, and everybody was there. Uncle Tom got up and sang a song. My cousin Vincent got up and he did a dance. And then I held uncle Mike up. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[B]

You mean Uncle Mike got. Uncle Mike was inebriated?

[A]

Yeah. Somebody sneaked in and spiked a punch with gin and bourbon.

[B]

No. Who would do a sneaky thing like that?

[A]

Uncle Mike. Before the boys get any Further involved in nonsense. Here's a thought that makes good sense.

[D]

If your listeners keep your dial right where it is for the rest of the evening, you're in for a variety of wonderful entertainment. First dive, you'll enjoy lots more laughs with Abbott and Costello. Then over most ABC stations comes Go for the House. The fabulous show that gives people an opportunity to win a beautiful new honeymoon, house and furniture. After Go for the House, be sure to hear tonight's great Bing Crosby show. Bing's special guest will be the movie favorite who's now gathering raves for his emoting in a smash Broadway stage hit, Henry Fonda. Bing and Hank Fonda will team up with Kenny Del Mar and John Scott Trotter to bring you on hilarious sketch about an ill fated fishing trip. And immediately following the fun and fine music of this Crosby show, listen to more scintillating melody on the Star Theater. Yes, for an enjoyable evening's entertainment, keep your dial where it is. Tuned to ABC. And now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello show.

[B]

Why can't you get here on time? What is your excuse for being late today?

[A]

It wasn't much for that. But I was standing on a corner, hardwood and fine, when a patrol wagon drove up, threw all the destructionable bums in, took them all down to headquarters, gave them the third degree under a big electrified bulb that must have been 3,000 watts.

[B]

How do you know I'm still twitching? Why would the police pick you up.

[A]

Just because I happen to park my car? They came arrest you for that.

[B]

Everybody parked their car in Bullock's basement.

[A]

I.

[B]

No wonder. I'll bet the judge buy you $2.

[A]

Worse than that habit. They're going to give me a death sentence. They took my driver's license away and from now on I'm a pedestrian.

[B]

What is a pedestrian got to do with a death sentence?

[A]

Oh, he's a stranger in California, folks.

[B]

How can you be so stupid? Stupid? For years I've tried to teach you how to catch on the things but.

[A]

You just can't seem to hold them.

[C]

You let everything slip through your fingers.

[A]

I can't help it happen. I used to play first base for the Hollywood stars.

[B]

I tell you get more stupid every day. I'm beginning to think that you're a dope.

[A]

Well, sure, I've always. What did you say?

[B]

I said you're a dope. Adult. Tell me I'm a do. Everybody cover 21 is adult. We can't be killing all our lives, you know. You're talking of Marcel. I feel sorry for your folks.

[A]

It must be very depressing to have you around the house. Oh, I do that every Saturday, yes. You do?

[B]

What every Saturday.

[A]

Depressing. Around the house, my mother tells the washing, I do depressing.

[B]

How can you say such things?

[A]

You.

[B]

You have such gall, such irony.

[A]

I have to have irony, Abbott. Why? To do the pressing.

[B]

You can do the pressing till the irony.

[A]

If you can't do it till the irony is hot.

[B]

Costello, you're positively giddy. Every time you open your yap, you get more giddy.

[A]

Well, giddy up. Come on, Abbott, let's play hook.

[B]

There's only one reason why a man of my intelligence can get along with an idiot like you.

[A]

What is it? I'm a very wise man. In fact, I'm an oracle. If you're an oracle, what are you doing in California?

[D]

What do you mean?

[A]

The oracles are playing in Baltimore.

[B]

Did you ever hear the Baltimore oracles? That's not oracles, that's Orioles. I said I'm an oracle. An oracle is a bird with a long skinny neck, a hard head and a red beak.

[A]

Any questions?

[C]

Hello, boy.

[B]

Well, look, Castella, it's Susan Miller. Susan Miller. Well, Susan, did you and Costello have.

[A]

Fun on your date last night?

[C]

Well, when Concella called for me, my baby cousin was in the room. She sets the age where she keeps everything she hears and we have to spell everything for her.

[A]

Oh, yes, Abbott, I want to take tools to the movies to see the padding sheets. So I said, susan, let's you and I go see P H E A I R S E R P A R A P A R E. Let's go to P A R R Now.

[B]

Never mind. How was the picture?

[A]

By the time I got through spelling it out, the last show was over.

[C]

You know, you acted very funny last night. This fellow. When I kissed you at the door, I thought you were going home. And you came back three times.

[A]

You come back to the door three times to get Susan to kiss you. My suspense is for courting the doorknob.

[C]

By the time he finally left, it was 3 o'. Clock. My father came in and said, what's the idea of going home at 3 o' clock in the morning?

[A]

What did you say? I told him I'd like to stay longer, but I have to be to work at 7.

[B]

Does your father approve of Costello?

[C]

No. My father wants me to marry a businessman.

[A]

I was. I went into business once. I was in the dry goods business. Then I thought I'd make a change, so I got into women's Bathing suit? But I was a failure. Why? I don't look good on women's bathing suit.

[C]

You know. Good fellow, you've got to quit stalling me around. Next month is June and I'm looking forward to June. Of course. Well, I'll give you a hint. I want to be all dressed in the house.

[A]

I get it. You're going to sell good humans.

[C]

No, no, I want to be all just and white in here. Bells ring.

[A]

You will if you sell good humor.

[B]

It doesn't mean that June is the month of marriages.

[A]

The whole world gets married in June. The bees get married in June.

[B]

The birds get married in June.

[A]

H. Does everybody get married in June?

[C]

Everybody but oysters.

[A]

Why not oysters?

[C]

They have to wait for a month with an r in it. Salam, master.

[B]

I wouldn't blame Susan Miller. She never spoke to you again.

[A]

Oh, well, I don't care. Next month I start my new job as lifewide of Santa Monica. That will keep my mind off girls. Who are you kidding? You only took the job on account of the girls. How can you say that, Abbott? Do you think that girls are my.

[C]

Only interest in life?

[A]

Do you think I took a job just to look at girls life?

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

Her sketches, bath, suit.

[C]

Do you think that I Luke hasol.

[A]

On a piece of time?

[B]

Yes, I do.

[A]

You're so right. I.

[C]

You are my. Hello, my. I thought the freedom train was on its way back to Washington.

[A]

Freedom train?

[C]

Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.

[A]

Don't you look cute today, Mrs. Abbott. Those are lovely thick skin gloves you're wearing.

[C]

I'm not wearing any gloves.

[A]

Then you'd better change your Hamilton. Pay no attention to Costello, dear. You certainly look lovely tonight.

[C]

I'm always lively, bud. You know I'm the wiry type.

[A]

Wiry type, eh? Don't look now, but I think you've just been disconnected.

[B]

Estelle, you can't talk that way to my wife. She's a native daughter of the golden west.

[C]

Yes, by only this morning the head of Republic studios wanted to sign me for a western fixture. He said you look like a cowgirl.

[A]

You're reading that wrong. He said you look like a cow girl.

[B]

How dare you, Costello.

[A]

My wife is an accomplished actress.

[C]

Indeed I am. I just last summer I played Shakespeare's Romeo and Julius. I played Julius.

[A]

I saw that show the first time I ever saw Romeo go up the ladder backwards. Darling, what's the matter?

[C]

Oh, a mouse just ran up the back of Costello's front leg.

[B]

Well, go.

[C]

Don't just stand here. Do something quick. Bud, hand me that boy. Okay.

[B]

Here.

[C]

Oh, I'll get it.

[A]

Oh, darling, you missed him.

[C]

Ow. Ow. Okay.

[A]

He said come out.

[C]

You must have missed him again, honey.

[A]

You missed him again.

[C]

I'll let you in on a little secret. What I'm aiming at, I'm not missing.

[B]

Oh, darling, you fanned him that time. You really gave him a belt.

[C]

Oh, yes, darling, but you always fan him. You always give him a belt.

[B]

But this time, honey, you fanned him. You gave him a belt.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple old fan belts.

[C]

Oh, good night.

[B]

Castella, you've got to stop installing my wife. She is very important to our show.

[A]

She has her fans. Are you kidding? Everybody that tunes into this program listens to me. I'll prove it to you. Will all the ladies listening to this program please drop me a card? Now, that's ridiculous, Gossela.

[B]

All the women that tune in are listening to me.

[A]

All right, then. All the men that are listening, please write to me.

[B]

Castella. The men that tune into this program are listening to Susan Miller.

[A]

Okay, all the kiddies listening to this program, would you please write Uncle Louie and tell me how much you love me on the radio? Godzilla.

[B]

All the kiddies that are listening to this show are listening to Matty Malnick and his band.

[A]

They are? Yes. Well, if those two cocker spaniels in Glendale are listening, how do you like the show so far? And that's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come. But first, listen to this.

[D]

While Luke Costello is going to the dog, let me tell you a little about the listening you can expect tonight. Immediately following this Abbott and Costello show over most ABC stations comes Go for the House, a lively quiz show where the stakes are high. Contestants both in the studio audience and at home will try for a wonderful honeymoon house. Then tonight at 9, listen to the magic of Bing Crosby's songs. Plus fun with guest star Henry Fonda on the great Bing Crosby show. After Bing, enjoy a lilting half hour of sparkling melody on the star's ear. You'll hear the voices of Gordon McRae and lovely Evelyn Knight, backed by the smooth rhythms of Victor Young's fine orchestra. Abbott and Costello Go for the house. Bing Crosby and the Star Theater. They are four of the outstanding shows in the swell lineup brought your way on ABC stations each Wednesday night. And now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello Show.

[A]

Our singing star, Susan Miller has a Latin treat for us this evening in Bahia.

[C]

Oh, my. When twilight is deep in the sky Someone that I Long to see Keep haunting my reverie and so the loneliness deep in my high to live in the memory of many years ago when the stars were bright and you were mine alone My love for you cannot die Though the oceans run dry or heaven's far from the sky now you're gone by have you hear my lonely call make my life complete again I pray for the day When I see a smile and my heart repeat again oh my. When he finally deep inside a someone that I love Keep haunting my reverie and so the loneliness deep in my heart Call to call to you.

[B]

Castella, what's that you have in your hand?

[A]

Oh, it's the letter for you, Evan. I open it by mistake. By mistake? Yes. I thought I could read. I.

[B]

Give me that, Castella.

[A]

Hey, this is a report on our rating. It's it over 12 million people listen to our show. Wonderful. 12 million people listening to us. 12 million people all doing the same thing at the same time. So What? I saw 12 million people last night. They were all doing the same thing at the same time. What were they doing? Going home to Glendale on a five o' clock broadcastella. You have to admit that radio is the thing.

[B]

Remember when we were in vaudeville?

[A]

Oh, I remember my first partner, Poodles Le Bump.

[B]

He was a bubble dancer.

[A]

What? A bubble dancer. Nobody could touch it. Why, she was very sick of us.

[B]

Remember when we teamed up, Lou?

[A]

Until I met you, I was a mat in the idol. Until you met me, you were just idle. I was a great favorite when I played the theater.

[B]

I held the audience in the palm of my hand.

[A]

Folks, that'll give you an idea of the size of the audience.

[B]

Ah, those are the days. Remember all the pretty girls?

[A]

Yes, I had girls to burn, but I gave them up. Why, you can't have no fun burning girl.

[B]

Well, anyway, here we are in radio.

[A]

And who knows, we may be in television.

[B]

Then the people will not only hear.

[A]

Us, they will see us.

[C]

Oh, no, no, no, not that. How much can we public fan.

[A]

You know, Evan, he sounds like one of our movie fans. You know that television is pretty expensive though. My uncle Mike bought a television set and it cost him $30,000.

[B]

$30,000 for a television set?

[A]

Yeah, he had to buy the cocktail lounge that went with it.

[B]

Oh, talk that slower. Anyway, everybody listens to the radio.

[A]

Yes, even my aunt May. She listens all day. And then at night when she goes to bed, she tunes in soft, sweet music to put her to sleep. Now, 15 minutes after she falls asleep, her alarm clock rings. What for to wake her up so she can turn off the radio.

[B]

Just the same, I like radio better than vaudeville.

[A]

So do I. In radio, every Wednesday we throw jokes at the people. Well, in vaudeville, we throw jokes to people. Yes, but in radio they can't throw anything back.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

I should have said, present company accepted. You idiot. What will the people listening at home think of you?

[A]

Think of that beautiful blonde in the next block next to you last week.

[B]

She's sitting there in her negligee listening to our program.

[A]

There was a knock on the door, but the beautiful blonde kept on listening.

[B]

Then there's another knock on her door.

[A]

But you kept on listening. I wish she'd opened the door. Why, that was me that was knocking, dummy.

[B]

There must be lots of beautiful girls listening to us. Remember the rating said we have 12 million listeners?

[A]

That rating is wrong. I figured it out, and we got 90 million listeners.

[B]

How did you figure that?

[A]

Well, there's 163 million radio sets. I divide that by 137,000 radio repair shops multiplied by the number of people murdered on Inner Sanctum. Subtract the number of people who dial with a left hand and the answer is 90 million.

[B]

For a minute, I thought you were guessing. Say, why don't you and I go.

[A]

Out and take our own radio poll?

[B]

Let's find out for ourselves if the people are listening to us.

[A]

That's a good idea, Rabbit. Let's go.

[B]

Fine. We'll start on the other side of town.

[A]

Now whistle for that buzz.

[C]

Did. Did you whistle for me?

[A]

No, I. I wish you for the bus.

[C]

You did not.

[B]

That was a taxi whistle.

[C]

I know because I'm a taxi.

[A]

You're a taxi?

[C]

Sure. If you don't believe it, you can ask my brother. He used to be a taxi goon. But the doctor said he's getting much better now. He's a motorcycle.

[A]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're a taxi and your brother's a motorcycle?

[C]

Yeah. I hadn't seen him for two years, and yesterday we had a reunion. We ran into each other on Vine Street.

[A]

Take it easy.

[B]

Take it.

[A]

Beat it.

[C]

Beat it. Beat it. It's lost in traffic. What? What was that?

[A]

My sister. She's a bicycle.

[C]

I'm all right now. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have whistled. It reminds me that I'm a taxi.

[A]

Look it, you're a taxi. Why don't you go take this girl taxi?

[C]

The girl taxis won't go out with me.

[A]

What?

[C]

I haven't been exact.

[B]

Pay no attention. To that guy.

[A]

Whistle for that bus.

[C]

No, no, you shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have whistled. The doctor warned me. I'm a taxi. Every time I hear a whistle, my motor stops.

[B]

You shouldn't.

[C]

You shouldn't. You shouldn't.

[B]

You shouldn't.

[C]

Give your life. Just put on your brace. Put on your brace.

[A]

I'm all right now.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you for being so patient.

[A]

Well, goodbye.

[B]

Oh, come on, Costello. We're going out and take our radio poll.

[A]

Costella, start at this house. Knock on the door and ask what program. What radio program they're listening to. Good evening, sir.

[B]

We're Abbott and Costello.

[A]

We're checking our listeners. Are you listening to our program? Never miss it. I just love murder programs. But we have a comedy show. I heard your show, brother. It's murder.

[B]

Never mind him. Here's the doctor's office.

[A]

Doctors are very intelligent men. I hope he listens to our show. Doctor, we're Abbott and Costello. Do you listen to our show? I always listen. Wouldn't listen. Calms my nerves. I always listen to it when I'm performing an operation. Come in. I'm performing an operation. Now, wait a minute. How can you perform an operation? There's no patience here.

[C]

I warned if he was late, I'd stop without him.

[B]

Come on. Try this door.

[A]

Cut. Fellow. Beg pardon. We're having tonaway now.

[C]

Yes, I'm listening to the radio. It's a big contest and I don't want to miss the rules. And now, here are the rules for entering our new 50 million dollar contest.

[B]

All you have to do is pick.

[C]

Out one of your relatives that you don't like, then take a sharp knife, cut his body, crisscross down the front, then with the scissors, cut off his ears, place a pistol to his left temple, fire six shots, stuff the body in a burlap sack and ship it to us both bay. Remember, it's discount.

[A]

Well, Michael, Mike listens to all them radio classes. Habit. Last week we entered the soap contest. They gave prices for the one that's been in the most rappers. He bought 50,000 cakes of soap and sent them all in. All the rappers. What were the prizes? First prize, $50,000. Second prize, $40,000. Uncle Mike won third prize.

[B]

What was the third prize?

[A]

I'll take your soap.

[B]

Okay, forget your Uncle Mike. Now let's go down with our radio.

[A]

Poll by this door.

[C]

Hello, Hello.

[A]

The average. Get a load of this. Quiet. Go, fella.

[B]

Miss, we are conducting a radio poll. Are you listening to the radio?

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

See, I'D like to take you out tonight.

[C]

Oh, I couldn't go out tonight. I've got to put some new strings in my ukulele.

[A]

How about tomorrow night?

[C]

Tomorrow night I'm tuning my ukulele.

[A]

How about Saturday?

[C]

Saturday I'm going swimming.

[A]

Should I borrow your uk?

[B]

Ah, come on, Costello. We've got to check on our pole.

[C]

Yes, and besides, if my mother knew I had two strange men at my door, she wouldn't like it. One of you will have to go.

[A]

Abbott. You go. You go, Abbott, by the house across the street and I'll stay here. Dummy.

[B]

If her mother comes home and finds you standing in the doorway, she's liable to slug you.

[A]

He finds me standing in a doorway, I deserve to be slugged.

[B]

Okay, I'll be right back.

[C]

But you're so shy. Don't be afraid of me. You can look on me as just one of the boys.

[A]

When boys start looking like you, the girls can pack up and leave town. Are you the only girl in your family?

[C]

Oh, no. I have four sisters. Girls run in my family.

[A]

They look like you. They'd have to run.

[C]

Would you give me a kiss? Oh, but I've never kissed a man before.

[A]

Neither have I. We can stop the stress.

[C]

All right, I'll kiss you. How was that?

[A]

Not yet, Abbott.

[C]

I'll kiss you again.

[A]

Not yet, Abbott.

[C]

And again.

[A]

Not yet, Abbott.

[C]

Why do you keep saying not yet, Abbott, every time I kiss you?

[A]

Well, Abbott told me that someday I'd get tired of kissing girls.

[B]

Not yet, Abbott. Costello, stop that hollering.

[A]

We've got one more house to take on this block. Now, come on. Good evening. We're Abbott and Costello and we're taking a poll of our listeners.

[B]

What program are you on?

[A]

Habit. It's Professor Mellonhead. Mellonhead. Do you listen to our program?

[B]

Yes, I do. May I say that when I hear your jokes, Costello? There's a strange, devastating, nauseating, obnoxious, odoriferous.

[A]

Condition that permeates copiously and offensively from.

[B]

The loudspeaker and assails my sensitive nostrils.

[A]

With a most redundant pungency. Well, thanks a lot, Melonhead. Someday I'm going to say something nice about you.

[B]

Look, Melanette, we just want to know.

[A]

If we can count on you as one of our lists.

[B]

Oh, you want me to give you a program? A plug, huh? Why should I help you feather your nest, brother.

[A]

With the eggs you lay on our program, there's no room for fetters. Melanate, please tell us if you listen to our show. Get him, Big Shot our show. I'm nobody, huh? I don't count.

[C]

Go on, say it. I'm nothing. Say it.

[A]

I'm dirt beneath your feet.

[C]

I didn't say that.

[A]

You're as good as I am. You and me are in the same class. Now he's calling me a moron.

[B]

Come on, cats.

[A]

Let's get on with our radio bowl. I'm sorry I ever came to your house. Oh, my house isn't fancy enough for you?

[C]

Hey, go on, say it.

[A]

My house looks like a pig pen.

[C]

And my kids look like pig.

[A]

I didn't say that. In fact, I never say pig. I always say slime. Now he's dragging my wife in the argument. You can't help it if your wife is ugly. Everybody knows you didn't marry your wife for her.

[C]

Look.

[B]

Oh, I married her for her money, huh?

[A]

Look.

[B]

No, you didn't.

[A]

I knew long before you married your wife that she didn't have a cent. Now he tells me.

[B]

Oh, come on, Costello. We've got to check up on our listeners.

[A]

Well, we've made a pretty fair survey of our listeners, Garcello. How many listeners do you figure we've got now? Well, let me see. Now, according to my figures, we got exactly 175 listeners counting to two goals in Glendale. Wait a minute, you idiot.

[B]

There are 400 and 400 listeners sitting right here in the audience.

[A]

Well, how do you like that?

[B]

More than half the people right here in the audience and in the studio, they. They aren't listening to the show.

[C]

No. Get them out of here. Come on. Everybody out. Everybody out.

[A]

Now, before evidence o have their final.

[D]

Swing, we bring you one more thought on this subject. Well, maybe the folks here in the studio audience aren't listening to Bud and Lou. But according to Hooper, millions of you at home are. Hooper is the listener who keeps his finger on the telephone dial instead of the radio dial. In fact, millions of Americans have formed the habit of listening to our complete Wednesday night lineup. Yes, from early to late million tier these programs broadcast over most of these ABC stations. The famous Lone Ranger, Mayor of the Town, starring Lionel Barmore, Fox Pop with Parks Johnson and Warren Hull and Abbott and Costello following Bud and Lou. You can still hear these ABC shows tonight as well as every Wednesday night. The sensational new quiz program, Go for the House. The great Bing Crosby show and the delightful melody of the Star Theater. Remember, after Bud and Lou say good night, stay tuned for Go for the House, which follows next over many of these ABC stations. And now back for a final word from ABC's. Abbott and Costello Show.

[A]

And now here are Evan and Costello with a final word.

[D]

Folks.

[B]

The contest we are running on our.

[A]

Saturday morning Abbott and Costello Kids show now has a jackpot of over $29,000. Get out of this contest folks. We believe it is the biggest contest ever and for the greatest cause purpose is to combat juvenile delinquent and by entering you can win a five thousand dollar mink code, a five thousand dollar airplane, a three thousand dollars trailer, a live baby, eleven thousands of dollars worth of diamonds and loads of other big prizes totaling over $29,000.

[B]

Listen Saturday morning over most of these stations.

[A]

Good night folks. Good night everybody.

[B]

Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Avenue Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Banda and featuring Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick Orchestra. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the.

[A]

Outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening.

[B]

On this ABC station.

[D]

This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company. 8:30 at KECA AM and FM Los Angeles.