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Abbott And Costello 48-07-07 Bud And Lou Plan A Vacation
00:25:44
Abbott And Costello 48-07-07 Bud And Lou Plan A Vacation
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- [00:15]
Bud Abbott
Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Maddie Valnick's orchestra. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Mo. All right, all right, all right, guys. Hey, wait a minute. Where. Where have you been, huh? Where have you been? Well, I went to the movies to see our latest picture. Yes, the Noose Hangs High. Yes. And I tried to make a guy give me a sheet, and he called the usher. What happened? Well, I told the usher. I said, no, look it. I owned the theater. And he took me out of the seat, punched me in the nose. He threw me out in the alley. Boy, was I lucky. Lucky? Yeah. If he did that to the. The theater, what would he have done to me? Why don't. Why don't you settle down and get yourself a job, Lou, huh? How did you. Why did you settle down and get a job? You know, some of the stuff was on the stuff I threw away. Hey, Evan, live. I had a job, but I got fired. I installed an electric dishwasher in a garbage disposal in a lady's house. But something must have got mixed up. Why, it disposed of all her dishes, and she's got the cleanest garbage in town. You know, speaking of garbage, Lou, you. You told me you had a date tonight. Oh, yes, speaking of garbage. I mean. Sorry, you. You didn't tell me. Remind you that I had a date. That's. No, not exactly that, but speaking of garbage. No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it that way. This was a swill date. Yeah, all right, all right, I know, but you did have a date, didn't you? Yes, I did have it. I had a very nice date. I had a. See, I had a date with my new girl. She works in the library, and she told me to meet her right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica. Right behind the Encyclopedia Britannica. Well, gee, don't you think I want to learn something? F. What were you doing in the library in the first place? Don't you like encyclopedias? Yes, yes, yes, a little better. Boy, my mama bought me encyclopedia. She did? Well, I just wanted. I used to ride to school on my cyclopedia. Oh, God. Stella, will you stop that walking up and down? What's the matter with you? What are you worried about? Saturday. Saturday night, they arrested my uncle Jim Kelly. He broke into a grocery store and he stole $390. Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry. Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he Steal all? Why did he steal all? Money, Lou. Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man, Abbott. He likes to pay for everything he gets. And besides, he needs the money to buy a new car. Oh, wait a minute. He'd be better off without a car. Carcella, it's. It's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me. In Los Angeles, you have to drive for five people. The one in front of you, the one in back of you and the ones on each side of you. Wait a minute. That's only four cars. Where's the fifth? She'll pull out in front of you any minute. Well, Abbott, I gotta leave now. I got a new job with my brother Pat in the trucking business. Has he got his own truck? Yeah, you should see it, Abbot. It's one inch wide and a block long. A truck an inch wide and a block long? What does he deliver in it, spaghetti? Oh, Sam. Is your brother Pat making any money in the trucking business, Lou? Oh, yes. He did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blankets. It saves her a lot of time around the house. Now, wait a minute. How could an electric blanket help her with the work around the house? Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with her. And when she gets up in the morning, breakfast is ready. That electric blanket is making her very popular, too. What do you mean? Last night she turned it on too high, and now, yes, she's the toast of the town. Oh, Mr. Costello. Mr. Costello, I've got to talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, mister. What's the idea of breaking in here like this? Oh, I've got an idea that will make you two the most popular comedy team in radio. What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath every tower in the country. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you. Well, look, Costello, it's our singing star, Susan Miller. Susan, I'm certainly glad you showed up tonight because I'm going to sing a duel with you, Castello. You mean a duet? A duel is where somebody gets hurt. You never sang with me, did you? Now, when did you become a singer, Costello? Well, I don't like to brag, but would you believe that I taught Bing Crosby how to sing? No, I wouldn't. You're right. But once in a while I catch a sucker. Castello, you don't know the first thing about Music? Well, I'll have you know what I studied. Music? Nah. I went to a singing school. I used to study until I was blue in the face. And then the teacher presented me with a medal. For being the best singer in the class? No, for having the bluest face. Well, I've got to go now boys, so I'm set up. You know. There goes a nice kid, Abbott. The only thing is she's money mad. Money mad? Yeah, she's mad because I ain't got no money. Ah, so what? Remember Costello, money isn't everything, you know. You can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here so you can say goodbye to it. You know, my family's always had money. In fact, my Uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California. One day when he was in the mine digging for gold, he was killed by a falling spade. A falling spade killed my Uncle Tom. Was he a gold miner? No, he was killed by the ace of spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game. Well Castelli, you'll never have to worry about money as long as I got it. We're pals, share and share alike. Well I feel the same way about you, Abbott. That's. Well, you. You mean you'd share everything you have with me? If you had two cars, you'd give me one? Sure. If you had two houses you'd give one of them to me? I certainly would. And if you had two department stores, you. You'd give me one? Yes sir, we're pals, share and share alike. Swell. If you had $2, would you give me one? No. Why? Because I've got two dollars. Well that's the way you feel, eh? I thought I was your pal. Are you trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do? I didn't say that, Abbott. Well, does it? Yes. That settles it, Costello. I'm going on my vacation to New Jersey and I'm not taking you with me. Who wants to go to New Jersey? Now when we were there last summer the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats. I woke up in the middle of the night and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation. Don't say mosquitoes can't talk. Don't tell me. These two were certainly chewing the fat. Well Castell, on second part I don't think I'll go to New Jersey either. I need a complete rest where nobody will bother me. Where the name Bud Abbott means nothing. Oh, you're staying in town E. Never mind that. Where are you going? Well, I think I'll go to Honolulu. Last time I was there I met a beautiful native girl. She was gorgeous. And what a figure. All day she'd walk around carrying a big basket on her head. Then at night she'd sneak off and she'd meet me. Ah, brother, she taught me plenty. She did? Yes. You should see me carry a basket on my head. You idiot. Girls are making a nervous wreck out of you. You got something there. I know it. I know it too. I've been buttoning my suspenders to my socks and it saves me a lot of money how it pulls my socks up. So far I don't have to wear pants. Never mind that. Have you been getting plenty of rest? No, and I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last night I didn't fall asleep till 11 o'. Clock. What time did you go to bed? Five minutes to 11. Now, Stella, you need Estella, you need a vacation. You've got to stop running around with girls. It's affecting your brain. I think you're right. I know it. Last night I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood and Vine. I drove down to Hollywood and Vine. Then I went to dinner. And all during dinner I felt as if I forgot something. Then to a movie. And all through the movie I felt as though I'd forgotten something. Then I drove to Griffith park and I started to neck and I still felt as if I'd forgotten something. Then I went home and I remembered what I forgot. What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl. Here's the singing star of the Abbott and Costello Show, Susan Miller with Matty Melnick's orchestra singing on the semi side of the street.
- [10:21]
Lou Costello
Grab your coat and get your head Leave your worries on the doorstep Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street. Can't you hear that pit of hat and that habitude is your step Life can be so sweet on the sunny side of the street I used to walk in the shade with a blues on parade but now I'm not afraid this rover crossover if I never have a sa I'll be rich as Rockefeller goldst at my feet on the sunniest.
- [11:18]
Bud Abbott
Side of the street.
- [11:26]
Lou Costello
I. I used to walk with those blues on puree well now I'm not afraid this rover crossed over if I never have a sad I'll be rich as Rockefeller Gold dust at my feet Almost sunny sunny, sunny, sunny sunny, sunny, sunny side of the street.
- [12:23]
Bud Abbott
I got an awful headache. Will you Run to the drug store and get me some Aspen? No. Hey, Maddie, will you run to get me? Run to the drug show and get me some Aspen? No. Will anybody here run for some Aspen? No. Oh, thanks, kid. You know, right now I got no joke. Nobody will go after it. Nobody will go after it. No. Nobody will go after the aspirin now. Okay, hand me the phone. I'll get that aspirin. I'll put in a long distance call to Washington. Who are you calling in Washington? Henry Wallace. That guy will run for anything Doc sends me. What. What gave you the headache? Well, I've been helping my Uncle Mike on his job and it's hard, steady work. What does. What does he do? Well, he fills cracks in the walls of veterans houses. Well, I thought your Uncle Mike was a dairy farmer. He was, but his cow got hit on the head and lost her memory. The cow lost her memory? Yes, and now she gives milk of amnesia. You want to run for that kid? Your Uncle Mike must feel pretty bad about it. Yes, he gave him a nervous breakdown. Is he very nervous? Well, he's not so nervous, but he's slightly nuts. He thinks it. He thinks he's a maraschino cherry and it's very expensive. Why, the only place he can sleep is in the bathtub full of whipped cream. That's Ellie. Your whole family's always getting into trouble. I guess you're right. I know it. Last night my brother Pat went to a Burles show and got a handful of popcorn in his eye. Now wait a minute. How could he get a handful of popcorn in his eye at a Burles theater? His eye was open so wide he thought it was his mouth. Never mind about your brother. I'm worrying about you. Tonight when you go home, make a lot of hot tea with lemon, then soak your feet in the tub. I did that last night and I didn't like it. Why? The lemon kept tickling my feet. I say, you're. You're going to take a vacation, you've got to get away from girls. Come on, we'll go to the travel bureau. There it is. Stones Travel bureau. Let's go in. Ah, come right in, gentlemen. I'll be with you just as soon as I finish this phone call. Yes? Oh, your wife don't like the trip you've arranged. Well, call me again when she makes up her mind. Goodbye. Who was that? Mr. And Mrs. Stern. They're going on their honeymoon and they can't make up their mind. He wants to take a trip around the World. And she wants to go someplace else. All right, what can I do for you gentlemen? We're Abbott and Costello. We're thinking of leaving the country. Mm. Well, I saw your last picture. The news hangs high. And if I were you, I wouldn't even stop to think. Pretty fresh guy, aren't you? Just who are you? I own this travel bureau. My name is Stone. The first name is Roland. Roland Stone. Rolling Stone? That's right, Rolling Stone. From the looks of your head, you haven't gathered anymore. Pay no attention to him. Mr. Stone has been very nervous lately and he wants to go on a vacation. Well, how about our island tour? That takes you to Panama. After that comes Cuba. After that comes Bermuda. After that comes Haiti. What comes after Haiti? Haiti 1, Haiti 2, Haiti 3. You like that tour? It'll cost you $700. I know, but wait a minute. Costello hasn't got $700. Oh, then Costello. Maybe you'd be interested in this tour. Of course, you'd have to take along a bag of onions, a box of stuff, a frying pan, a Mix Master and a double boiler. What kind of tour is that? A cook's tour. Estella, why. Why don't you go to Yellowstone park and see Old Faithful, huh? Yes, I used to go out on dates with Old Faithful. She was quite a girl. Costello, Old Faithful is a big, jagged mess of old fossil that spouts steam every hour. That's her. Never mind your girl, Costello. If you don't mind traveling with a group, here's a trip that takes in most of Europe. It takes in Bulgaria, takes in Czechoslovakia, it takes in Yugoslavia. What group do I have to travel with, The Russian army? Wait a minute, class, I have an idea. Why don't you take a trip to Italy? Ah, Italy, of course. In Italy, you know, they have a town where the streets are filled with water. Nothing but water. They call it Bennett when it rains. There's a town like that right here in California. We call it Burbank. Mr. Stone, I think Costello should go to some helpful climate. How about Sweden? Ah, yes, of course, Sweden. Sweden, the match country. You know something? Sweden makes more matches than anyone else in the world. More than Lana Turner. Costello, Maybe you'd like to see one of the Seven Wonders of the World. How'd you like that? The Leaning Tower of Pisa. You know, it leans way over to one side. There's nothing like it in the world. Have you seen some of the houses they're building for the veterans here? Mr. Stone, what are the prices of these tours? All the different Prices now. For instance, a tour to England costs $500. Tour de France costs $700. And a trip to Russia. A trip to Russia, Costello, will cost exactly 75 cents. Oh, wait a minute. Only 75 cents to go to Russia? How can you afford to make such an offer? Who's gonna go? All right now, Costello, how much money have you got to spend on your vacation? I got between 98 and $100. Well, which is it, 98 or 100? It's between 98 and 100. I got two bucks. Well, Mr. Stone, do you have any kind of a tour for two dollars? Oh, yes, we have a wonderful two dollar vacation for sports like Costello. I'll take it. I'll take it. When do we leave? Right now. Okay, 33. Where does this two dollar tour take me? For a brisk walk through the La Brea tar pit. Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone, haven't you some place where we could go where it's nice and quiet? Yes. Why don't we just stay here? It's been mighty quiet since the beginning of the program. Hey, by George, I've got it. Just a place for peace and quiet. It's a desert island 2,000 miles offshore. Well, what will it cost us to get there? To get there? Nothing. I'll take you there myself in my own boat. I can't go on a boat. I get seasick. H does seasickness affect you very much? Mr. Stone, the last time I was on a ship I looked so green that when I walked into a billiard room the steward racked up my eyeballs and shot them into the side pocket. Come on, Castella, we're going on that boat. Well, gentlemen, there is the island. What do you think of it? What a horrible looking place. I don't like it. What are you complaining about, Costello? It didn't cost us anything to get here. I want to go back. To go back? It'll cost you $300. I ain't got no $300. All ashore that's going ashore. That means you, Fat Joe. Get off the boat. Goodbye and fun. Look at your Duncan. We're all alone on this deserted island. We may die here. I. I don't want to die. I'm too young. I'm only 25. Abbott, you're only 25 years old? Yes. Then I got nothing to worry about. Why, if you're only 25, you're here alone. I haven't been born yet. How can you joke about this? Here we are 2,000 miles from Shaw. No food, no water. We're in more trouble than anybody else in the world. Have you read the Kinsey Report on Maddie Malnick, Costello? This heat is killing me. Oh, oh, pal. I think I'm going to die on this island. Costello, my buddy. Yes, Abbott? When you get back, find the woman I love. Go to her and tell her I love her dearly. Take that message to the woman I love. Okay, Abbott, to the woman you love. Yes, to the woman I love. But what shall I tell your wife? Come on, we've got to find a way to get off this island. Look. Prison cannibals. One of them is coming toward us. Welcome to oil. But boy. Hey, Abbott, get me out of here, will you? Quiet, Quiet, Costello. These cannibals are headhunters. They shrink people's heads. This guy is the biggest shrinker I ever saw. Don't be afraid. We peaceful cannibals. Don't you even fight with the other tribes? We never fight. We haven't had a war 200 years. Well, how do you explain that? We're not civilized. Where are you boys from? California. Never heard of it. You know, California oranges? Never heard of it. California. California. You know Lana Turner? Oh, yeah. How's Bob Poppins, Chief? Maybe you know my Uncle Tom. He was shipwrecked on one of these islands with a beautiful redhead. For three whole years he was on the island alone with this gorgeous redhead. And then a terrible thing happened. What? He was rescued. Costello, I'm afraid we'll never be rescued. Oh, pal, this is it. This is the end. Don't say that, Abbott. I don't want to die. Don't worry, Costello. We'll soon be in heaven at the pearly gates. And when Gabriel sees you, he'll blow his horn. When he sees you, he'll blow his top. I. Hey, hey. Love. Love la. Costello. A plane. Quick signal. Quick signal. Hurry up. Take off your. Sorry. Wave it. Hurry up. Okay, okay. Hurry up, take it off. I'm waving my shirt. Okay, look, the plane has come all over. They saw my shirt.
- [23:37]
Lou Costello
They saw my shirt.
- [23:42]
Bud Abbott
Hey, look, they dropped a package of supplies and there's a note tied to it. Oh, they saw my shirt. They saw my shirt. Quick, read the note. What does it say? Okay, it says, wash that dirty shirt. Keep the house lights down, boys. We'll have a curtain called by Abbott and Costello after a final reminder on this sub. Sam. Costello, why don't you try to take off a little weight this summer? Oh, I'm doing that now. Everett, Susan Miller and I are taking reducing treatments. I've lost £100 up to now. What about Susan? She's disappeared altogether. It.