Abbott And Costello 48-07-28 Lou Learns To Swim

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Abbott and Costello 48-07-28 Lou Learns To Swim

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: August 19, 2025
Original Air Date: July 28, 1948
Summary by: AI Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

This classic episode of The Abbott and Costello Show revolves around Lou Costello's misadventures as he attempts to win the affection of Susan Miller by becoming a lifeguard. Set firmly in the golden age of radio comedy, the show is packed with rapid-fire jokes, misunderstandings, verbal gags, and clever wordplay between the iconic comedy duo, along with memorable supporting characters and a musical interlude.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Costello’s Sleep Troubles and Household Chaos

• Costello complains to Abbott about his lack of sleep, blaming various family members’ nocturnal habits and his own odd activities.
  • Quote:
    "I stayed up until 6 o' clock in the morning reading the dictionary."
    —Lou Costello (05:30)
• The humor escalates as Costello talks about reading the dictionary to see “how it ended” and holding out for a movie based on the phone directory.

2. The Susan Miller Situation: Romance and Ridicule

• Abbott accuses Costello of being cheap for objecting to buying Susan Miller a hat, leading to recursive, joke-laden banter on romance and money.
  • Quote:
    “Just the same, you shouldn't object to buying Susan a new hat. After all, a hat is a woman's crowning glory. When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first?”
    —Bud Abbott (11:43)
  • Quote:
    “I can't reach across the street [to pull down the shade].”
    —Lou Costello, on spying the blonde neighbor (07:58)

3. Universal Military Training & Army Jokes

• The subject turns briefly to current events as Abbott quizzes Costello about “Universal military training”—with Costello confusing the film studio Universal Pictures for the program and joking about his time in the army as being under the ammunition truck.
  • Quote:
    “I was right where the bullets were a thickest.”
    “Where was that?”
    “Underneath the ammunition truck.”
    —Abbott & Costello (07:02)

4. Costello’s Inept Proposals and Recurring Misunderstandings

• Costello narrates his failed attempts at romance, including writing a “poem” for Susan Miller and hilariously misunderstanding Abbott’s lines about proposals and “affirmative” answers.
  • Quote:
    “Did you ask her to marry you?”
    “Did she answer you in the affirmative?”
    “No, she answered me in the car.”
    —Bud Abbott & Lou Costello (12:35)

5. Finances, Broken Dreams, and Odd Jobs

• Susan Miller enters, and Costello tries (and fails) to borrow money for a date, leading to Abbott’s offer of $10 and jibes about Costello’s lack of employment.
  • Quote:
    “Costello, I never lend money. Lending money breaks friendships. Money is the root of all evil and you should never let money stand in the way of a friendship. Now, which would you rather have? The money or my friendship?”
    —Susan Miller (14:07)
  • Quote:
    “Could you let me have it in small bills?”
    —Bud Abbott, jokingly (14:21)

6. Costello Attempts to Learn to Swim

• To impress Susan, Costello resolves to learn to swim and become a lifeguard. The pair visit a store for a bathing suit, leading to jokes about Costello’s physique and a rapid-fire routine of wordplay about “lifesavers.”
  • Quote:
    “With his shape, I'd recommend a pair of trunks. Trunks? Yes, they're the only things that accommodate the excess baggage you're carrying.”
    —Swimsuit Salesman (21:04)
  • Quote:
    “What kind of lifesavers? I'm talking about save lives. That must be the new flavor: South Vanilla Mite!”
    —Lou Costello (22:18)

7. Swimming Lesson Shenanigans

• At the swimming pool (run by Abbott’s sister Olive), Costello undergoes a chaotic “swimming lesson,” including jokes about swimming, lifeguard tests, and his improbable past “experience.”
  • Quote:
    “How'd you get back [from five miles out in the ocean]?”
    “Well, I got dizzy and my head started to swim and it brought my body back to shore.”*
    —Bud Abbott & Lou Costello (24:46)

8. Lifeguard Test and Beach Heroics (or Not)

• Costello bumps into the Superintendent of Los Angeles Ocean Beaches (wearing an S.L.O.B. sweatshirt for a running gag), and tries to show off his knowledge of beach life and lifeguard techniques. More confusion ensues about Australian crawl and lifesaving procedures.
  • Quote:
    “Did you ever see an Australian crawl? I was in Australia for two years. They walk just like you and me.”
    —Lou Costello (27:10)
• When Costello is finally called upon to save a drowning woman (Abbott’s sister Olive), he avoids heroism, quipping:
  • Quote:
    “He helped. Why should I help? That shark got himself into that trouble with your sister. Let him fight his way out the best way he can.”
    —Lou Costello (29:28)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I'm so tough I could take Joe Lewis apart and see what makes him tick.”
  — Lou Costello (06:19)

• “When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first? Her figure? No. Her face? No. Her legs? No. You notice her head.”
  — Bud Abbott (11:43)

• “I invented a new safety match. No matter what you do to it, you can't strike it. It won't light and it won't burn.”
  — Bud Abbott (15:12)

• “I was figuring on carrying my water wings in that big back pocket.”
  — Lou Costello, on long underwear “bathing suit” (20:46)

• “Well, I've got California under my skin.”
  — Abbott's sister Olive (24:03)

• “One more question, Costello. Suppose you want to find out the condition of the water. What do you do?”
  “Well, if I wanted to find out how the water is, I’d just call a dog.”
  — S.L.O.B. & Lou Costello (27:44)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |---------------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 00:16 | Opening banter, Costello’s new car & Uncle Mike stories | | 04:40 | Costello’s sleep problems and family chaos | | 08:01 | Romantic hijinks: pursuing Susan Miller | | 12:35 | Costello attempts to propose; misunderstanding riddles | | 14:07 | Money troubles and borrowed date funds | | 19:06 | Musical number: “This Can’t Be Love” | | 20:35 | Preparing to learn to swim; bathing suit store | | 23:43 | At the pool with Olive; Costello’s swimming lesson | | 27:44 | Lifeguard interview, beach gags, S.L.O.B. appearance | | 29:28 | Drowning rescue (or not) & shark vs. Olive climax | | 31:04 | Closing: Abbott & Costello’s finale, outro banter |

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Tone & Style

The episode is delivered in Abbott and Costello’s classic rapid-fire, pun-heavy style, full of slapstick and affectionate ribbing. The supporting cast (notably Susan Miller and “Olive”) contribute straight-man reactions to Costello’s nonsense, while music and sound effects hold the show together in the spirit of vintage radio entertainment.

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Conclusion

A quintessential Abbott & Costello radio adventure, this episode showcases their interplay, wordplay, and the cultural flavor of late 1940s comedy. From failed romance and mixed-up job hunting to absurd lessons in swimming, listeners are treated to a tapestry of comedy routines that stand the test of time.

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Transcript

[Bud Abbott]

Lowes knows to bring your vision to life. It's important to find the right color. That's why Mylo's Rewards members get a free Valspar paint or exterior stain sample to test your look to confidently refresh your space. Offer Valid in store only 8, 7 through 820. Limit 1 per customer while supplies last. Discount taken at time of purchase. See associate for details. Rewards program subject to terms and conditions. [e-mail] Terms subject to change. Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Cost. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Maddie Maln's orchestra. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. All right, all right. Stop all that yelling. Where did you get that new car? In the parking lot. I bought it from an old lady in Pasadena. I gave her $500 and a bonus. You had to give the old lady a bonus? Yeah. What was it? An old man. Talk sense, will you? Lose. Say, by the way, why is your Uncle Mike going over to that water cooler so much? He's drank a gallon of water. Habit. I never saw a man as thirsty as Uncle Mike. He drinks about 10 gallons of water a day, then a night. He goes into the living room, sits down in his favorite rocking chair. Then what does he do? He just sits there and rocks and sloshes. Well, maybe it's because your Uncle Mike sailed on the ocean for so many years. He sailed all around the world, didn't he? Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. Yes. He got a lot of souvenirs too, Abbott. He did? He's got a diamond from South Africa, a jade necklace from China, a whale bone sword from Alaska, and a hula skirt from a wire. Wait a minute. Where did he get that shrunken head? That's the barber's fault. He keeps putting those darn hot towels on him. Castella, I think you're an idiot. I beg your pardon? I say, I think you're an idiot. You can't say that about me, Abbott. My family dates back to the Pilgrims. We're all blue bloods. Who cares about about ancestors or heredity? I wouldn't care if my grandfather was a baboon. No, but it would make a lot of difference to your grandmother. I don'. Smart. Castella, I'll have to slap you down. Oh, yeah? I'm just stub as you are and maybe tougher. I'm so tough I could take Joe Lewis apart and see what makes him tick. I can take Jack DY a parto, any champion. Your name I can handle. How about the swimming champ, Esther Williams? Could you take her apart? Look, Abbot, anything put together that good don't need tinkering with. Get him out. Yes, the boys are on the beam tonight and they'll be back on it in just about one minute. But first, let's hear this. Sam. What? Look. Come here. What's the matter with you, Castella? You look terrible. How did you get those circles under your eyes? Well, I didn't sleep good last night. My brother Pat came over to sleep with me and he bought his. He brought over his pet skunk and his two goats and they slept at the foot of the bed. The air was terrible in that bedroom. Why didn't you open the window? What? Let my pigeons fly away. Why didn't you open the door? Every time I open the door, my pigs run out. Did you get any sleep at all? No, I stayed up until 6 o' clock in the morning reading the dictionary. You read the dictionary all night? Yeah. I couldn't wait to see how it ended. You idiot. The next thing you'll be telling me that you're reading the Los Angeles telephone directory. That I wouldn't do. That's good. I'm waiting until they make a movie out of it. No wonder you can't sleep at night reading all that junk. Well, I'm not the only one that can't sleep. My Aunt May is up all night once. You got it. Insomnia? No. Before she goes to bed, she puts on face cream, hand cream, vanishing cream, body cream and foot. Well, how does that keep her awake? She keeps sliding out of the bed. We gotta move out of that house, Abbott. I haven't slept a night since we lived there. I keep looking out the window at that blonde that lives across the street. Why don't you pull down the shade? I can't reach across the street. Shame on you, peeking at blonde. I thought you were interested Susan Miller. Well, no, I'm mad at her. She went in the store yesterday and bought a hat and made me pay for it. Why, you cheapskate. I'm a cheapskate, huh? You're the cheapskate, Abbot. Your wife told me that last week you sat in the cellar for three nights. Well, how does that make me a cheapskate? For 10 cents you could have baited the trap with Real cheese. Just the same, you shouldn't object to buying Susan a new hat. After all, a hat is a woman's crowning glory. When a woman walks down the street, what do you notice first? Her figure? No. Her face? No. Her legs? No. You notice her head. Look, Abbott, all the kids are in bed. Now, let's give the right answer. How do you manage. How do you manage to increase your stupidity and ignorance? I've been putting in a lot of overtime lately. You wouldn't be so ignorant if you read the papers and kept up with what's going on. I read the papers all right. Then tell me, what do you think of Universal military training? I don't think it's fair. Why? If Universal is going to have military training, they should give it to rko, mgm, Republic, Columbia, Monte, Grant and Fox would say nothing to be the line of Nassau Studios. You idiot. Universal military training is designed to put more young men in the army. I hope if they put me in the army, they'll give me back my old job. What's that? Deserter. You were a deserter in the army? I'll just kidnab it. I was one of the bravest guys in the army in all the battles. I was right where the bullets were a thickest. Where was that? Underneath the ammunition truck. That's what I thought. I just threw that in. I should have thrown it out. I think you should have.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Costello?

[Bud Abbott]

Mr. Costello? Mr. Costello. Say, would you like to go out on a double date with me tonight? Hula girls? Well, there are a couple of hula.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Bud Abbott]

Warning. The following ZipRecruiter radio spot you are about to hear is going to be filled with F words when you're hiring.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Bud Abbott]

Fantastic.

[Narrator/Announcer]

So whether you need to hire four, 40 or 400 people, get ready to meet first rate talent. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com Zip to try ZipRecruiter for free. Don't forget that ZipRecruiter.com Zip finally that ZipRecruiter.com zip Salt Lake City.

[Bud Abbott]

They got hula dances in Salt Lake City? Yes, with all that salt they've got to have a few shakers. How do you like that? He forgot to tell me where to meet him. Look, why don't you get girls off your mind, Costello? The only thing that will cure you is marriage. I was like you until I got my wife on a string. On a string. You should have had her on a leash. I. I don't want to get married anyway. Abbott, married life is like driving the wrong way on a one way street. Why everybody starts yelling at you when it's too late to back out. Anyway, I'm too young to get married. I'm only 21 and I don't know my own mind. You don't know your own age either. Just a minute. Please don't know his own age. Show me in the script where it says that it's not. Show me. All right, it's not in there. Tell me where it says that it's not in there. That's right. Wait till I get back. All right, I'm here now. Go ahead. All right, I can see Made it up. So what? You know, I like to get off a good joke too. You better get off that one before it hatches. Hey, that's pretty good. We keep this up, I can. I can throw my script away. You're reading a script? I understand that Betty Grable asked you for a date last. Yes, but I turned it down. Why? She's no Hetty Lamar, you know. Then why don't you go out with Hedy Lamar? She's no Lana Turner. Why don't you go out with Lantern? She's no Betty Grebel. Wait a minute, Costello. We're right back where we started. I know, but look where we've been. Look, why don't you. Why don't you quit chasing girls and propose to Susan Miller? I did have it. I took her for a ride last night and I asked her to marry me. Did she answer you in the affirmative? No, she answered me in the car. Look, you dummy, when you proposed you had hopes. Did her answer coincide with that hope? Why should she go inside with Hope? She was sitting outside in the car with me. Look, listen, God, Stella, please let Hope get his own girl. All right, listen, I'm only trying to find out. How about the girls we had last night, you and I? Oh, let's not talk about that. You got no kick coming. Not kicking. You had the best looking one. All right, yours had teeth. All right, yours had teeth too. Did you see that tooth? Yeah, I saw that tooth. Mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her I had to pay toll. All right, let it go. Look, I'm only trying to find out the result of your. I'm only trying to find my place again. Tom. I'm trying to find out the results. Now, wait a minute. You say you. You. You asked Susan to marry, right? All right, all right. That's the line I was looking for. That was a tough line to find, Right? Right. Russell, I'm trying to find out how you propose. Were you poetic? Poetic? Yeah, I was poetic. You are. I wrote her a beautiful poem. That's swell. Goes like this. To Susan Miller. Susan, our marriage would be so dandy as sweet as a five pound box of candy I'll be your pop and you'd be my lolly just like Feather McGee and Molly.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, boys.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, look. Look, Estella, it's Susan Miller. Susan, you look wonderful tonight. In parenthesis. SNIFFS Do I smell Christmas night?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know, Costello. I've never been out with you on Christmas night.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm out with him every night. That's wonderful perfume you have on, Abbott. What is that? This here? Yes. Oh, Chanel. $10 a bottle. $10 a bottle, Chanel. Get a load of this. What is that, ketchup? 10 cents a bottle. Susan, that's a lovely dress you're wearing.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you. I knitted it myself.

[Bud Abbott]

It certainly clings, doesn't it? Yes, it looks like it's. Susan, if you want to lend me 10 bucks, I'll take you out tonight.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, I never lend money. Lending money breaks friendships. Money is the root of all evil and you should never let money stand in the way of a friendship. Now, which would you rather have? The money or my friendship?

[Bud Abbott]

Could you. Could you let me have it in small bills? Shame on you, trying to borrow money from Susan. Here, I'll give you $10. Now where are you going to take Susan? There's some high class spot where we can rumber.

[Lou Costello]

Estella, do you know how to rumba?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, sure. Just get out of the. Just get out on the floor and make out like you got a broken crankshaft. How about it Susan? Is it a date?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I'm not going out with you on borrowed money. Get some money of your own. Why don't you get a job?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I had a job as a grease monkey, but I quit.

[Lou Costello]

Why?

[Bud Abbott]

I found out you can't make no money greasing monkeys. They're slippery. Why don't you, why don't you sell your invention? You can make some money that way.

[Lou Costello]

Castello, you have an invention?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh sure. Good one too. I invented a new safety match. No matter what you do to it, you can't strike it. It won't light and it won't burn.

[Lou Costello]

Well what's a match like that good for?

[Bud Abbott]

It's for people that don't smoke. Hey Castella, why don't you take Susan down to the beach? That won't cost you any money. No. No money at all, huh? Well, nothing doing. I was down on the beach last Sunday. I fell asleep on a sand and butter. Did I get sunburned?

[Lou Costello]

Were you really sunburned, Susan?

[Bud Abbott]

I was so red when I woke up. A lobster was trying to drag me under the boardwalk. You're a sissy. Why don't you take Susan to the beach? Nothing doing. Every time I go to the beach I get hurt. The last time I went in swimming a crab bit one of my toes off. Which one? How do I know? Those crabs all look alike to me. You heard it. Well, to take Susan to the beach and stop all this followed, you roll.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, it's no use, Bud. Costello isn't my type. The man I want must be romantic. He must see me as a drifting boat without a sail on the storm tossed sea of life. And he must pilot me into the harbor of matrimony.

[Bud Abbott]

You don't want a man, you want the Coast Guard.

[Lou Costello]

I'm sorry Costello, but the kind of man I could go for is the outdoor type. The type you see down at the beach. That's the guy that rings the bell for me.

[Bud Abbott]

I knew it Abbott. She's in love with a good Humor man.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, I'm speaking of the lifeguard. Goodbye.

[Bud Abbott]

Well Costello, it looks like the only way you can win Susan is to become a lifeguard. I'll do it, Abbott. I can see myself now plunging into the sea, dragging beautiful, beautiful damsels out of the water to safety. I'll be the Lochinvar of Long beach, the pride of Pismo, the octopus of Ocean Park. Now you're talking. There's only one thing that might hold me back. What's? That I can't swim. And as the plot thickens, we'll ring down the curtain of the nonsense just long enough to bring you this message. Sam.

[Lou Costello]

Sat.

[Bud Abbott]

Here's the second act curtain going up. Hey, Costello. Here's Susan Miller and Matthew Malnick's orchestra. Yes, and here's a good place to use them. Here they are, folks, the musical talent of the Abbott and Costello Show.

[Lou Costello]

This can't be loved Because I feel so well no sobs, no sorrows no sigh this can't be love I get no dizzy spell My head is not in the skies My heart does not stand still Just hear it be this is too sweet too to be love this can't be love Because I feel so well but still I love to look in your eyes My heart does not stand still Just hear it be this is too sweet to be love this can't be love Because I feel so well but still I love to look oh, yes, I love to look I love to look in your eyes.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I've got some good news for you. My sister Olive is going to let you use her swimming pool so you can learn how to swim and become a lifeguard. Who knows, you may turn out to be one of the greatest swimmers in the country. Yeah, Abbott. I'll be the next thing as to Williams. You dummy. Esther Williams is a girl. You mean you'll be next to Johnny Weismuller? You get next to who you like and I'll get next to who I like. All right, never mind. Let's go in there, starve. I'm gonna buy you a bathing suit. Yeah, but they got nice things in the store. There's a red bathing suit that would fit me. That's not a bathing suit. That's a suit of long underwear. Oh, shucks. And I was figuring on carrying my water wings in that big back pocket. Simon Castella. Oh, Clay. My friend Castella here would like to get a bathing suit. What would you suggest? Well, with his shape, I'd recommend a pair of trunks. Trunks? Yes, they're the only things that accommodate the excess baggage you're carrying. Now, listen, you. I don't have to come into the store and have and get myself in solid. I can stay home and read my fan mail, you know. Oh, come on, Castella. Take off your shirt and coat and let the man measure you. Okay. There. My, my. I see you have some girls pictures tattooed on your chest. Who are they? Well, three. Three old sweethearts of mine. Sally, Irene and Mary. I only see Irene and Mary. I wonder what's become of Sally Clay? Come on, will you quit stalling around? Measure Costello. He's in a hurry. He wants to learn to swim so he can get a job at the beach. A Lifesaver? No thanks. I never eat between meals. What kind of lifesavers? I'm talking about save lives. That must be the new flavor. South Vanilla Mite. We have a seal out there. Now listen, fat Doe, when I said you want to be a lifesaver, I didn't mean a lifesaver like the kind of lifesaver you buy when you buy Lifesavers. I'm talking about the kind of lifesaver that saves lives. And that has nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers you buy when you buy Lifesavers. Oh, you mean you're talking about the kind of lifesavers that you buy when you buy Lifesavers. They have nothing to do with the kind of lifesavers that save lives. And not like the lifesavers you buy when you buy Lifesavers. Now you've got it. If I've got it, you better drop a net over it before it gets away. Come on, Castella, buy the bathing suit and let's get out of here.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Brother Bud. I see you brought one of those blown up rubber knife rafts.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, pardon me. That's Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Olive, Costello's ready for you to teach him to swim.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Costello, I'm all ready for the pool. I put on this new bathing suit just for you. It's backless and stressless. How do I look?

[Bud Abbott]

Skinless and boneless. Oliver, you look wonderful since you came out here to California.

[Lou Costello]

Ah, yes, this California weather is wonderful. You know, I've got California under my skin.

[Bud Abbott]

Looks like a part of Texas Crep under there too.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Costello, let's get on with your swimming lesson. Do you know anything about diving?

[Bud Abbott]

No, but I used to go with a girl that was a pretty good diver. The only trouble with her was that she was so skinny, every time she made a jackknife dive she cut herself in five places. I remember her, she was quite a diver. Oh yes. Once she dived off 100 foot board just like that diving champ, Buster Crab. Not only that, she flattened the mackerel. Oh boy, Susan Miller. Gonna be proud of me. I got myself a job as a lifeguard. That's wonderful, Costello. How did you manage to do it? They hired me for three reasons. First, ability and intelligence. Second, courage and fortitude. Courage and fortitude. Well, what was the third reason? I was the only guy that applied for the job. Justin, I don't know how you ever got that job as lifeguard. You know absolutely nothing about the water. Is that so? One time I swam five miles out in the ocean and suddenly I got a cramp and I couldn't move. How'd you get back? Well, I got dizzy and my head started to swim and it brought my body back to shore. Furthermore, I was in a navy, but they kicked me out because I like to sleep with the windows open. Why should they kick you out of the navy for sleeping with the window open? I was on a submarine at the time. You were in the Navy? And you told me you didn't know how to swim. Well, I was only kidding, Abbott. When I was a little boy, I used to go swimming in a pond near Patterson. And now the city put up a sign on the pond that said Blue. Costello swam here. Who put up the sign? The Patterson Chamber of Commerce? No, the Patterson Border Hill. Do you think you know enough about life saving to be a lifeguard? I even learned all the lifeguard signal codes. They signal with whistles like this. What does that mean? That means a child is in trouble. Now listen to this one. What does that mean? That means a woman is in trouble. Are there any more? Here's another one. What does that mean? Man looking for trouble. Here, I'll give you a practical lifeguards test. Now you're in a. You're a lifeguard. Suddenly you see four helpless people out in the surf clinging to an overturned boat. What do you do? I sit on a beach and read the funny paper. Why aren't you out there with those four helpless people clinging to that boat? There's no sense in five of us clinging to that boat. Oh, talk sense. Let's, let's get down to the beach. I want to get a load of you as a lifeguard. Hey, fat boy, are you the new lifeguard? Yes, I'm the new lifeguard. Who are you? Who am I? Read the letters on my sweatshirt. S, L, O, B. Hey, yeah, but this guy's a slob. Oh no, no, Costello. That's S, L, O, B. That stands for Superintendent Los Angeles Ocean Beaches. Superintendent. This, this is Costello. Well, fine, fine. Now Costello, all the lifeguards on this beach use the Australian crawl. They use the what? Australian crawl. Australian crawl. Did you ever see an Australian crawl? I was in Australia for two years. They walk just like you and me. One more question, Costello. Suppose you want to find out the condition of the water. What do you do? Well, if I wanted to Find out how the water is. I'd just call a dog. You mean a dog can tell you how the water is? Sure, I'll show you. Look, here's the dog, over here. Here doggy, doggy, doggy. Nice doggy. Come here, doggy, doggy. How is the water? Any more questions, Pastelo? I think you'll make a fine lifeguard. Now all you got to do is pull beautiful girls out of the water when they're in trouble. The job is worth $60 a week. That's a little more cash than I have on me. But patent and installments. Well, Costello, let's get down to the beach and see if there is anybody we know. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Stella. What do you. How do you do? What are you doing? Shaking hands with an octopus. Yeah, but look at that stunning planet, that black bathing suit. Costello, if you were a real life God, you wouldn't give that blonde a second look. You're right, I won't give her a second look. That's better. I ain't through with the fish look yet. Look, Castella, there's a girl drowning. Here's that chance for you to be a hero. Quick, swim out and save her. Okay, Abbott, here I go. Watch me swim. Abbott. I'm back. Costella. Where's the girl? Girl? It's your sister, Olive. She's out there fighting a shark. Well, you're the lifeguard, you're supposed to help. He helped. Why should I help that shark got himself into that trouble with your sister. Let him fight his way out the best way he can.

[Lou Costello]

Get him out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Keep the house lights down, boys. We'll have a curtain called by Abbott and Costello after a final reminder on this sub.

[Lou Costello]

SA.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, as a lifeguard. You're a failure. Let's go home. We've been on the beach all day. Look Abbot, we're standing right on a spot where you buried your mother in law in the sand last summer. Well, what about it? Don't you think it's time you dug her up? Oh, good night. Good night, everybody. Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick and his orchestra. So goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC stat. It.