Abbott & Costello 40-07-31 (005) First Song - I'm Nobody's Baby

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott & Costello 40-07-31 (005) First Song - I'm Nobody's Baby

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Abbott & Costello 40-07-31 (005) First Song - I'm Nobody's Baby
• Release Date: January 23, 2025

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Introduction to Madame Lazanga's School of Dance

The episode opens with the iconic comedic duo, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, setting the stage at Madame Lazanga's School of Dance. Bud Abbott introduces the premise where he attempts to entice Lou Costello into taking dance lessons amidst the allure of "50 beautiful hostesses."

• Bud Abbott [01:56]: "Tonight we take you to Madame Lazonga's School of Dance where manager Bud Abbott is trying to make an easy mark of Lou Costello."

The Dance School Skit

The core of the episode features a comedic interaction between Abbott and Costello as Lou navigates the challenges of dance lessons under the stern guidance of Madame Lazanga. The skit is rich with classic Abbott & Costello humor, misunderstandings, and wordplay.

• Bud Abbott [02:13]: "Why don't you dance with the pretty girls first, then you can turn your car over."
• Lou Costello [02:32]: "No, that's my wife."

The humor escalates as Lou invents absurd scenarios, such as claiming his wife is "under the car" due to a fictional accident, leading to a series of comedic exchanges about the mishaps at the dance school.

Musical Interlude: I'm Nobody's Baby

Interwoven within the dialogue is a musical performance by Madame Lazanga, who delivers her rendition of "I'm Nobody's Baby." This segment showcases the era's typical radio show blend of comedy and music, enhancing the episode's nostalgic feel.

• Madame Lazanga [08:41]:

  I hate to see the evening sun go down
  Cause my baby he's left this town
  ...
  Got to stay bluey blue
  Just as blue as I can.
  

Promotion of Wackaville Film Company

Abbott and Costello take a brief detour to promote their fictional Wackaville Film Company, humorously pitching their latest cinematic endeavors.

• Lou Costello [11:16]: "Last week, Abbott and Costello formed the Wackaville Film Company and presented their first effort, the Life of Daniel Boone. Tonight we present their second colossal flop..."

Whack of the Week: Interview with Ms. Nancy Barton

The highlight of the episode is an interview segment featuring fashion expert Ms. Nancy Barton, who discusses her revolutionary ideas on women's clothing. This segment blends comedy with a mock-serious discussion on fashion trends.

• Bud Abbott [21:40]: "Tonight's genius is a woman, a style creator whose radical ideas on women's clothes threaten to revolutionize the world of fashion."
• Nancy Barton [21:58]:

  Too many women are like sheep. They copy dresses of debutantes and other celebrities without regard to their own personalities.
  

This exchange is peppered with humorous interruptions from Lou Costello, who comically misinterprets and mocks the fashion terminology introduced by Ms. Barton.

• Lou Costello [22:10]: "Color harmony? What's that?"
• Nancy Barton [22:17]: "If you were carrying a pink handbag, you wouldn't wear a green dress, now, would you?"
• Lou Costello [22:17]: "Oh, I wouldn't dare. Heaven forbid. What would the neighbors say?"

Audience Interaction and Satirical Advertising

Throughout the episode, there's a seamless integration of satirical advertisements and audience interactions that parody the advertising style of the Golden Age of Radio.

• Lou Costello [28:09]: "Harry von Zell. What do you do? Well, I try to make people understand how much Sal Hepatica will help them when..."

These segments maintain the comedic flow while paying homage to the era's radio show formats.

Closing Remarks and Final Skits

As the episode draws to a close, Abbott and Costello wrap up with a series of rapid-fire jokes and a final interaction with Madame Lazanga, ensuring the audience is left with memorable laughs.

• Lou Costello [29:12]:

  I wrecked my car this morning, the coffee burnt my tongue, the bank called me for money, and my nerves are all uncomfortable drunk...
  

• Madame Lazanga [29:24]:

  Get up, get up and meet the sun halfway. There may be a fortune waiting...
  

These closing moments encapsulate the duo's signature humor, blending slapstick with witty banter.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bud Abbott [02:13]: "Why don't you dance with the pretty girls first, then you can turn your car over."
• Lou Costello [12:02]: "Well, octopus. That's a fish with eight faces."
• Nancy Barton [21:58]: "Too many women are like sheep. They copy dresses of debutantes and other celebrities without regard to their own personalities."
• Lou Costello [22:17]: "Color harmony? What's that?"
• Bud Abbott [23:13]: "Castell, you made the dress yourself without having your wife with you? How did you guess her size?"
• Lou Costello [23:25]: "The map of North America. Every time she takes a deep breath, Mexico joins the Union."

Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio through the timeless antics of Abbott & Costello. By weaving together comedic skits, musical performances, and satirical interviews, the episode offers a rich and engaging experience that both honors and entertains listeners, ensuring that those unfamiliar with the original broadcast can fully appreciate its humor and charm.

Transcript

[Bud Abbott]

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[Lou Costello]

It's time to smile. Peter Van Speeden and the Ipana Troubadour is playing I'm Nobody's baby. Well now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we take you to Madame Lazonga's School of Dance where manager Bud Abbott is trying to make an easy mark of Lou Costello. And here they are, the stars of our show, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, step right in, folks. Madame Lasangas school of dance. Six easy lessons, 50 beautiful hostesses. Stay there, neighbor. How would you like to dance with a pretty girl?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, not me, kid. I just had a terrible accident.

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, my car upset and if I don't turn it over, my wife is gonna be mad at me.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, why, why don't you dance with the pretty girls first, then you can turn your car over.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, I gotta do it now or my wife won't like it.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, I'll explain it to your wife. Where is she?

[Lou Costello]

She's under the car.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, my goodness. Where did the accident happen?

[Lou Costello]

Hey, see that car across the street?

[Bud Abbott]

Right across the street?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. See that wreck over there?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes. Is that your car?

[Lou Costello]

No, that's my wife.

[Bud Abbott]

Your wife?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. The car is the one with my white dress wrapped around it.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, I see.

[Lou Costello]

Fits perfectly, don't it?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, wait a minute. Look, if you had an accident, why didn't you call a policeman?

[Lou Costello]

Why didn't I call a policeman?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Because I hit one.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah? Yeah. You mean you hit a policeman in uniform?

[Lou Costello]

No, I hit him in a patrol car.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. Did he recognize you?

[Lou Costello]

Well, what'd you say?

[Bud Abbott]

Could he swear to you?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, he could swear to me and I swear right back at him.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you shouldn't have done that. You should speak softly to a policeman.

[Lou Costello]

I did, but he heard me.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet now. All right, I'll tell you what you do. Step right in and meet Madame Lazanga. But be careful how you talk. She's very hoity. Toity.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, is that her over there? That's her. She may be hoity, but. But she'll never see Toity again. Ah, mademoiselle, I kiss your hand.

[Madame Lazanga]

Oh, such a warm teeth. Why does it burn?

[Lou Costello]

Me so I forgot to take the cigar out of my mouth. Ah, Madame, you have beautiful hands. Beautiful hands. Gorgeous. They are just like pedals.

[Madame Lazanga]

Rose petals?

[Lou Costello]

Nah, bicycle pedals.

[Bud Abbott]

Different. Now, madam, is there ready to teach you a la conga?

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Madame Lazanga]

Come, let me put my arm around your waist.

[Lou Costello]

Like these. Oh, oh, oh.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, neighbor. Wait a minute. Are you getting a trifle emotional?

[Lou Costello]

Emotional nothing. She's standing on my foot. Get off. I thought you told me she could do the la conga.

[Madame Lazanga]

Oh, certainly. But usually when I do la conga, I wear a native sash around my waist.

[Lou Costello]

Size 48, ain't it?

[Madame Lazanga]

Yeah, how did you know?

[Lou Costello]

I used to put the saddle on. War rat mode.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come here.

[Lou Costello]

She's pee.

[Bud Abbott]

These lessons are 10 cents each or three for a dollar. How about. Okay, all right.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'm no sucker. Come on. I'll take the three for a dollar.

[Bud Abbott]

Give me the dollar.

[Lou Costello]

Okay.

[Bud Abbott]

There you are. We're all set. All set for the first lesson. Are you ready?

[Lou Costello]

Right.

[Bud Abbott]

Position music. Lesson's over.

[Lou Costello]

What kind of lesson was that?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, don't get excited now. Lesson number two. Are you ready? Position music.

[Madame Lazanga]

Oh, Mr. Costello, you dance divinely.

[Lou Costello]

I'm not even out of the first position yet. I dance divinely.

[Bud Abbott]

You heard the lady.

[Lou Costello]

You should see me when I get a chance to use my yellow foot.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, neighbor, what do you want to do, tire yourself out?

[Lou Costello]

Who's getting fires? Come on, will you? I want to do some dancing or something.

[Bud Abbott]

I know, but you shouldn't get tired.

[Lou Costello]

Of these things you said. Like this. You said music. The band went ta ta ta K. Plunk over. Oh, I hate you and Vincent.

[Bud Abbott]

All right. The band went ta ta ta.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, I heard it.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, that'll be a dollar extra.

[Lou Costello]

For what?

[Bud Abbott]

For listening to the music.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, look, what do you want me to do? You want me to pay for the guy's union card?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute. That's a fine remark to make. You come to my dancing school. I furnish a wonderful orchestra. I give you the benefit of Madame Lazanga's time and talent. And when it's all over, you can't even lift a foot off the floor.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I'm a wallflower.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you're telling me I'm a bad boy. Well, why don't you do something about it?

[Lou Costello]

I did. I just wrote myself a nasty letter.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah? What did you say in it?

[Lou Costello]

I won't know till I get it tomorrow.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you should be. You should be spanked to impress Your mistakes on your mind.

[Lou Costello]

Don't you think that's going about it in a roundabout way?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come on. What's the use of talking to you? You're dizzy.

[Lou Costello]

I think I am?

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, I know it.

[Lou Costello]

I don't know what's happening to me.

I wonder.

I'm getting awful dizzy.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

I'm getting spells.

[Bud Abbott]

Spells?

[Lou Costello]

Just the other day I walked into the World's Fair. I went in the place and everything swam before my eyes.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did this happen?

[Lou Costello]

At the Aqua Cave.

Oh, b'nai Venuta, before you sing your song, will you come over here a minute, please?

Certainly, Harry.

[Binet Venuta]

What for?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I just thought that since none of our listeners can see how lovely you are, if I could just tell them what you look like then when you sang.

[Madame Lazanga]

Yeah, they could.

[Lou Costello]

Quick.

[Madame Lazanga]

Hide the children so they wouldn't be frightened out of a night's sleep.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, no, wait. Don't you go getting modest on my hands, Bernays. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Venuta's attractive figure tonight is sporting a very nice looking outfit.

[Madame Lazanga]

Harry, it's not worth talking about.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes it is.

[Madame Lazanga]

Well, then it's thankful thanks to my dressmaker.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, all right. Binet also has a very, well, very cute hairdo.

[Madame Lazanga]

Thanks to my hairdresser.

[Lou Costello]

And she has a very attractive smile.

[Madame Lazanga]

Thanks to Ipana toothpaste and massage.

[Lou Costello]

And.

[Madame Lazanga]

Harry, that's something really worth talking about.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, well, enough people are talking about Ipana Binet and using it to make it the largest selling toothpaste in America today. And the reason for that popularity, ladies and gentlemen, is just as plain as the nose on my face. A winning smile, the kind of a smile we all want, depends not only upon sparkling teeth, but upon firm, healthy gums as well. And the creamy, well cooked foods we eat nowadays do not give our gums the work they need to keep them firm and healthy so they often become soft and more susceptible to trouble. That's why so many dentists suggest massage with I Panna toothpaste. Just follow this easy, modern routine. Every time you brush your teeth with Ipana toothpaste. Put a little extra Ipana on your brush or your fingertip and massage it on your gums. In that way, you help promote firm, healthy gums as well as sparkling, lustrous teeth. And you do it with the toothpaste so many dentists use themselves for. In the 1940 national survey, it was found that I Panna is personally used by twice as many dentists as any other dental preparation, paste, powder or liquid. Now, make Their choice. Your choice. Start massaging with Ipana toothpaste. Tomorrow, our lovely singing star Beneda steps to the microphone to give us her own interpretation of St. Louis Blue.

[Madame Lazanga]

I hate to see the evening sun go down I hate to see the evening sun go down Cause my baby he's left this town St. Louis woman with her diamond ring Pull that man around by her apron strings.

[Lou Costello]

Weren't for.

[Madame Lazanga]

Powder and for store bought hair for the man I love Would not have gone nowhere Nowhere Got to stay bluey blue Just as blue as I can.

[Lou Costello]

Be.

[Madame Lazanga]

That man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea oh, Elsie wouldn't have gone so far from me oh, Got the blues, got the blues Got the mean deadly way blues that man's got a heart like a rock cast in the sea.

[Binet Venuta]

Or else.

[Madame Lazanga]

He wouldn't have boy far from me Poor redheaded woman makes a good man leave this house I said a red headed woman Makes a good man leave this town But a blonde headed woman makes a fellow slap as happy dawn oh, I love that man like a schoolboy Love his wife like a Kentucky colonel Love his rock and rock.

[Lou Costello]

And.

[Madame Lazanga]

I love that man I love him till the day I die.

[Lou Costello]

Ladies and gentlemen, last week, Abbott and Costello formed the Wackaville Film Company and presented their first effort, the Life of Daniel Boone. Tonight we present their second colossal flop, a swashbuckling saga of the high seas entitled Christopher Columbus. With Lou Costello as Christopher Columbus, Bud Abbott as Vesper Confucius. Vinay Vanuta will play the queen, I will play the king, and Peter Van Steeden will play the ace.

[Bud Abbott]

Men, men. We need hardy sailors to make this pearl voyage to America. Seamen. Seamen. Step forward and state your experience. King's Fleet. Naval Bay Afton. Kids. Pirate.

[Lou Costello]

Marine base A. Brooklyn Dodgers. Third base.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, Columbus. Columbus. Stop fooling now. If you're going to discover America, we've got to get started. Did you get any information from the Bureau of Navigation?

[Lou Costello]

No, sir. I kept asking the guy what kind of weather we was going to have for sailing and all. The guy kept saying hello to another guy that wasn't even there.

[Bud Abbott]

What are you talking about?

[Lou Costello]

He kept saying to another, he kept saying, hyatt Pied. You noticed nobody around named Pied?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no. The man meant tide was high.

[Lou Costello]

All right, so tide was high. The guy will sober up in the morning.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, look, I'm trying. I'm trying to find out about weather conditions. Suppose you're 200 miles out to sea. What happens if you Run into a squall?

[Lou Costello]

Suppose we're 200 miles out of sea, we run into a squall?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

How you gonna run into an Indian's wife in the middle of the ocean?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, you don't understand.

[Lou Costello]

You know what I'm worried about? Why, octopus.

[Bud Abbott]

Octopuses?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. That's a fish with eight faces.

[Bud Abbott]

How do you figure that out?

[Lou Costello]

Well, octo is eight.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

And a push is a push.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come on, please. That's enough, Costella. I mean, Columbus. It's the king.

[Lou Costello]

It's the king.

It's the king.

Uh. Oh, I better hide. Last night I sneaked into the king's castle before the draw bitches was up. And the king's mad about it.

[Bud Abbott]

Why? Why should he be mad?

[Lou Costello]

I caught him with his bridges down.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, Quiet trust. I mean Columbus. Here's the king. So you're Columbus.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, sir.

[Bud Abbott]

I've heard about you. You're in love with my wife. Every night you've been coming to my queen and asking her to let you fresh your suit.

[Lou Costello]

That's a lie. I only asked you to wash a couple of my shirts.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. You asked the queen to wash your shirts?

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

Queen Isabella of Castile?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, sir.

[Bud Abbott]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

No soap? That's you.

[Bud Abbott]

Here, regardless. Nevertheless, Christopher Columbus, as captain of the Castilian navy, I'm going to make you my first mate.

[Lou Costello]

You're gonna make me your first mate?

[Bud Abbott]

I am? Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, king, I'm gonna be your first mate. Are you sure you won't get tired of me?

[Bud Abbott]

Bosh.

[Lou Costello]

I thought that was gonna be much better.

We all thought so.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I must be getting back to my palace to look over an important paper. But, your majesty, why are you so anxious to look over some paper? I gotta see how Dick Tracy's coming out with the yogi arma. Yeah, the queen. Quiet. That's the queen. What a beautiful voice.

[Lou Costello]

She sings like a bird.

[Bud Abbott]

What kind of a bird?

[Lou Costello]

A stool pigeon. Chrissy, will you listen? That's me. Hey, Queen Izzy, come here.

Ah.

Tonight, Queen Izzy, you are glamorous. What makes you so beautiful?

[Madame Lazanga]

Well, every day I bathe in milk.

[Lou Costello]

Do you mind if I ask you something personal?

[Madame Lazanga]

What?

[Lou Costello]

How do you get in a bottle?

[Madame Lazanga]

Oh, Christopher, I brought you my jewels. Here's my platinum coronet, my diamond rings.

[Dennis Black]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Madame Lazanga]

Bracelets My pearl necklace.

[Lou Costello]

Ah, gee. Wish I want.

[Madame Lazanga]

Christopher.

[Lou Costello]

Christopher, why are you crying? I want a Mickey Mouse wristwatch.

[Madame Lazanga]

But Christopher, don't cry. I want to remember you as a gay brave adventurer. Before you go, let us have one last dance.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, kid? Oh, come on, get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Columbus. Behave yourself. Columbus. If you're going to discover America, we'd better hurry. The barometer's falling.

[Lou Costello]

Well, pick it up and let's get going.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, come on. Pull up that anchor. Okay, wait a minute. Hey, and stop throwing you close through that porthole.

[Lou Costello]

Porthole?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

I thought it was a little closet. No, no, no. Hey, Abbott, what are all those guys doing? What are all those guys over there working on in the shipyard?

[Bud Abbott]

That's a hell of a boat.

[Lou Costello]

You're telling me. What are those guys working on?

Four days later, Columbus, four days out.

[Bud Abbott]

And we're making wonderful time.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Evan, how many miles hours does this boat go?

[Bud Abbott]

She doesn't go miles. She goes nuts.

[Lou Costello]

How do you like that? Of all the boats I got to discover America. I got to pick one that goes nuts.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no. Nuts. Nuts are nautical, Miles. If you ask a sailor how fast the boat is going, he won't tell you. Miles.

[Lou Costello]

He'll say nuts, and I'll say nuts right back to here.

[Madame Lazanga]

No, no, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

Was he a fresh guy?

[Bud Abbott]

No. Keep quiet. This is a wonderful boat. It has nice sleeping quarters, a fine dining room, and did you get a look at the officer's mess?

[Lou Costello]

No, I didn't see anybody's wife on board. Now, maybe she's in the front of the boat.

[Bud Abbott]

Columbus? You mean forward? Forward is in the front of the boat. Aft is in the back. The starboard is on the side. Now, where's the port?

[Lou Costello]

In a bottle in the icebox.

[Bud Abbott]

You're a fine sailor to send out to discover America. What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and found the boat leaking?

[Lou Costello]

What would I do if I found a boat leaking in the middle of the night? I'd put a pen under it and go back to bed. No, no, no, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

Here, let's put it this way. Suppose there's a hole in the side of the boat. A hole in the side of the boat. Now get it right and the water's rushing in. What would you do?

[Lou Costello]

I pour a hole in the other side and let it rush out.

October 12, 1492. The intrepid navigator Columbus lands in America, where he is greeted by the Indian. Hello, chief.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm Vespucius. I want to buy. I want to buy some land.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, why was you don't buy any of this dirt around here?

Why?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean? It's no good.

[Lou Costello]

It's got worms in it.

[Bud Abbott]

Now come on, talk. Since we're over here to get land.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, chief, tell you what I'm going to do. I want to buy Manhattan Isle. How much Is that your line? Oh, excuse me. Okay, I'll pay you $24.

[Bud Abbott]

Sold.

[Lou Costello]

I'll also give you a bottle of rum.

[Bud Abbott]

What is bottle of rum for? Brooklyn.

[Lou Costello]

Peter Van Steven. The Ipana troubadours bring us the title song from the Broadway success, LA Purchase. Presenting the Whack of the Week. Once again, we come to that part of the program where investors Abbott and Costello interview the mental giants of our time. Each week we bring to our listeners a unique personality, someone whose creative ideas are richly deserving of public acclaim. Tonight's genius is a woman, a style creator whose radical ideas on women's clothes threaten to revolutionize the world of fashion. She is the author of the book Phooey. On fashion. And here she is, Ms. Nancy Barton.

[Bud Abbott]

Good evening, Ms. Barton. You know, Mr. Costello said. Told me that you. Your book, your very book, is very helpful.

[Binet Venuta]

Oh, really? But, Mr. Costello, my book is for women. How could it possibly be helpful to you?

[Lou Costello]

Why, I got a short leg on my kitchen table and your book just fits under it.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, now, quiet. What do you want to do?

[Lou Costello]

Make prep?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, never mind. Ms. Barton, would you mind telling us some of your ideas on women's clothes?

[Binet Venuta]

Oh, no, not at all, not at all. Too many women are like sheep. They copy dresses of debutantes and other celebrities without regard to their own personalities. Now, this fails to express individuality and frequently results in poor color harmony.

[Lou Costello]

Color harmony? What's that?

[Binet Venuta]

It's very simple, Mr. Costello. For instance, if you were carrying a pink handbag, you wouldn't wear a green dress, now, would you?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I wouldn't dare. Heaven forbid. What would the neighbors say? Why, I'd be the laughing stock of my sewing circle.

[Binet Venuta]

Mr. Castell, you mean you belong to a sewing circle?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes. I just whipped up a swell dress for my wife.

[Bud Abbott]

Castell, you made the dress yourself without having your wife with you? How did you guess her size?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I tried it on a beer barrel. Yes, I did. And then I took it home and I put on my wife.

[Binet Venuta]

Yes, and how did it look?

[Lou Costello]

It looked better on the beer barrel.

[Binet Venuta]

Well, what kind of a dress was it? I mean, was it satin?

[Lou Costello]

Satin? It looked like somebody slapping it.

[Binet Venuta]

Well, from what you say, I take it Mrs. Costello is just a little overweight.

[Lou Costello]

A little overweight? Listen, when Abbott gets on a scale, it says 135. When I get on a scale, it says 189. When my wife gets on a scale, it says one at a time.

[Madame Lazanga]

One at a time.

[Binet Venuta]

Tell me, Mr. Costello, where does she have all this extra weight?

[Lou Costello]

Well, if the bustle ever comes back, she won't have to buy one.

[Binet Venuta]

Well, I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry, Mr. Costello, but I'm afraid your wife wouldn't look good in any kind of a dress.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Red. Why, when she wear. When she wears a sleeveless gown, people admire her. They stand up and cheer.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, that's ridiculous. Why should people stand up and cheer when they see your wife in a sleeveless gown?

[Lou Costello]

She's got an American flag tattooed on her arm.

[Binet Venuta]

All right, Mr. Castella. Your wife must be very patriotic.

[Lou Costello]

I say she is. She's got another tattoo on her back. A map of North America. Every Time she takes a deep breath, Mexico joins the Union. We're doing good.

[Bud Abbott]

Forget your wife. Ms. Barton, I understand that you recently designed a sensational costume called Futuristic Fantasy which is to be exhibited at the World's Fair. Am I right?

[Binet Venuta]

Yes, you're quite right. It throws all convention to the wind. You see, I took one of my models and I covered her with a veritable splurge of color. One dress and hat are rainbow color. Now, one shoe is blue and the other is yellow. The left side of her hair is dyed green while the right side is purple.

[Bud Abbott]

It's remarkable. Have you ever seen a anything like that, Castello?

[Lou Costello]

Not since I gave up drinking.

[Binet Venuta]

Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It's really a dream.

[Lou Costello]

A dream? Don't kid me, lady. That's a nightmare in technicala.

[Binet Venuta]

Now, furthermore, the hat is quite chic. It has three Roses with a ribbon on the side. Could you think of anything more attractive?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Four Roses with a chaser on it. Tie. That's even more attractive. Command. Especially if he's a musician. Especially if he's in Van's V. Especially if he's Van.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, all right, never mind.

[Lou Costello]

Especially if he's Van. Especially if. Especially.

[Bud Abbott]

All right.

[Lou Costello]

Now I ain't done anymore.

[Bud Abbott]

All right. Well, keep quiet. We're supposed to be discussing clothes.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Ms. Wharton, what do you think I ought to wear at a dinner party tomorrow night?

[Binet Venuta]

Well, now, that depends. Is it a catered affair? I mean, is it being arranged by a caterer?

[Lou Costello]

Well, a what?

[Bud Abbott]

Caterer. Look, when we had that party at my house last week, who supplied the food?

[Lou Costello]

Salvation Army.

[Binet Venuta]

Mr. Costello, if this party you're going to is informal, you can wear your tweed.

[Lou Costello]

Why, sure I can wear my what?

[Bud Abbott]

Your tweed. Costello, your tweed.

[Lou Costello]

I think you're tweed too.

[Madame Lazanga]

Kiss me.

[Bud Abbott]

Now never mind that.

[Lou Costello]

Now let's get back to Mr. Oh, thank you.

[Binet Venuta]

You know, Mr. Abbott, there are other things besides clothes that contribute to the charm of a woman. For instance, m'lady must be careful to choose a perfume in keeping with her personality. Mr. Costello, does your wife like things scented?

[Lou Costello]

No, she just has them wrapped up. Carry some home or south.

[Binet Venuta]

I am talking about perfume, Shorty. Every woman has a face. Favorite brand. You think your wife would care for my sin?

[Lou Costello]

No, ma'am. She don't care what you do.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no. My sin is perfume.

[Lou Costello]

All right, some people's is drinking, some is gambling. So your sin is perfume. If I was you, I wouldn't go around bragging about it.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Cough sense, please. My sin is an expensive perfume, but my wife likes Cody Sheep.

[Lou Costello]

What a coincidence. My wife likes McGarrett's goat.

[Binet Venuta]

The Garrett Go. I have never been so insulted. As far as I'm concerned, this interview is at an end.

[Bud Abbott]

We are now. You see, Ms. Barton walked out on it and there's thousands of women listening in who expected to get styled.

[Lou Costello]

Information on stalls from now when I'll take care of it, I'm going to tell the women all over the nation what to wear.

[Bud Abbott]

You better.

[Lou Costello]

Lady, dear, dear lady, have you lost your ump? Is your husband called to you because you have no allure? He is the rat. But I'll tell you what to do. Go out and buy yourself a bleary bolero and a chic little hat trimmed with panting petunias and drooping daisies. Next, put a dab of perfume behind each ear. Personally, I prefer canal number five. And after that, have your nails done over in the latest color, a gruesome green. Then when you're looking your best and you're just adorable and fascinating, send for me.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to ask a question. Oh, no, you don't. If you don't ask me any questions. I beg your pardon. Who are you, sir? I am a victim. That's what I am a victim of. Quiz programs. Every time I go to see a radio show, somebody shoves a microphone under my nose and starts asking me questions.

[Bud Abbott]

What's your name?

[Lou Costello]

What do you do? All I do is answer. I'm tired of it. Tonight I'm going to ask a few questions.

[Bud Abbott]

What's your name?

[Lou Costello]

Harry von Zell. What do you do? Well, I try to make people understand how much Sal Hepatica will help them when.

[Bud Abbott]

What? Salopatica.

[Lou Costello]

It's a famous sparkling saline. You should take any time. And every time you need a lax. Why? Well, simply because it helps you feel better faster. You see, Sal Hepatica is a quick acting laxative, yet it's very gentle. And besides, it also helps counteract excess gastric acidity. Chases that sickish feeling fast.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I guess you've answered all my questions.

[Lou Costello]

Yes. And you find that Sal Hepatica will ideally answer almost everyone's question as to what laxative to take. So get a bottle of Sal Hepatica from your druggist and see how much faster you feel better when you take gentle, quick acting Sal Hepatica.

[Madame Lazanga]

Hey, young fellow, with that sour looking puss.

[Lou Costello]

Now please don't pick on me, Bennet.

[Madame Lazanga]

All right, Harry. But must you stand there with that sour looking puss?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I have had an awful day.

[Madame Lazanga]

Well, what happened?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I wrecked my car this morning, the coffee burnt my tongue, the bank called me for money, and my nerves are all uncomfortable drunk. The laundry ruined my Palm beach suit, a neighbor stole my bumber suit and it rained.

[Madame Lazanga]

It rained.

[Bud Abbott]

It rained.

[Madame Lazanga]

Oh, Harry. Stop hiding behind a pillow Whenever the dawn looks gray get up, get up and meet the sun halfway There may be a fortune waiting or maybe an egg souffle get up, get up and meet the halfway get into the tub and as you begin to rub and scrub about with your version of the Road to Mandalay don't ever expect the bright side Turns up you on a tray get up, get out and meet the sun halfway Stop hiding behind a pillow Whenever the dawn looks get out, meet the sun halfway There may be a fortune waiting on man to play get high Meet the sun halfway get into the tub and then begin to love and love Devout with your version of a evil name don't ever expect the bright side Served up to you on a tray get out of bed, you sleepy head Meet some sun halfway.

[Lou Costello]

We're a little late, so join us next week, ladies and gentlemen, good night.

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[Bud Abbott]

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