Abbott & Costello 42-05-11 Lou Substitutes For Joe Dimaggio

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Abbott & Costello 42-05-11 Lou Substitutes For Joe DiMaggio
Release Date: September 30, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Performers: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Marilyn Maxwell, Skinny Ennis

---

Overview

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio transports listeners to the Golden Age of American radio with a classic Abbott & Costello comedy broadcast, originally aired on May 11, 1942. The comedic plot centers on Lou Costello being summoned to substitute for the legendary Joe DiMaggio on the New York Yankees as DiMaggio recovers from surgery. The show boasts the famous wordplay, fast-paced banter, and musical interludes characteristic of Abbott & Costello, as well as memorable appearances by Marilyn Maxwell and Skinny Ennis.

---

Key Discussion Points & Comedy Highlights

1. Lou’s "Baseball Career" & Girl Troubles

• Begins with Abbott chiding Costello for being distracted by girls and not working, leading to signature Costello wordplay:
  • Costello’s Girlfriend List:
    “I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Mugglemeyer, Tessie Tinfoil. Lana Turner.” (01:03)
  • Abbott's exasperated response:
    "You dummy. Always thinking of girls trails." (01:20)
• Abbott tries to push Costello toward seriousness:
  • "Great men don't waste their time on girls." (01:23)
• Costello jokes about playing on a girl’s baseball team in Paterson, NJ:
  • "This was a girl's baseball team." (03:23)

2. Lou is "Called Up" by Joe DiMaggio

• A comical telegram from DiMaggio invites Lou to play for the Yankees:
  • "I would appreciate you taking my place on New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign Joe DiMaggio.” (02:25)
• Lou celebrates and claims expertise:
  • “Oh no, I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep I dream about baseball.” (02:53)
  • Abbott asks, “Don't you ever dream about girls?” Costello: “What, and miss my turn up at bat?” (02:58)

3. Baseball Confusion: Left- and Right-Handed Players

• Abbott quizzes Lou on baseball strategy, leading to a spiraling exchange about pitchers and batters:
  • Abbott: "Suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching, what do you do?"
    Costello: "I put in a right handed batter." (03:32–03:49)
  • This leads to more wordplay and circular reasoning.

4. Wordplay Around "Niche" and "Draw"

• Abbott tries to encourage Costello to find his "niche" in life; Costello fixates on itching:
  • Abbott: "Now you've got a good job as a baseball player and you might find your proper niche in life?" (05:06)
  • Costello: "When I find a itch, I scratch it." (05:19)
  • Abbott: "A niche is a notch."
    Costello: "Catch." (06:12-06:16)
• The routine escalates with puns about “drawing a salary,” leading Costello to make fun of Abbott's phrasing:
  • “You're an old pair of drawers.” (07:19)

---

5. Physical Fitness for Baseball

• Abbott attempts to design an intensive training regimen for Costello:
  • "From 8:00am to 9:00am you lift weights. From 9 to 10, deep knee bends... 11 to 12, run 5 miles." (11:32)
  • Costello laments: "12 to 1. I'll never make it. You idiot." (11:44)

---

6. “Feller” Routine: Cleveland Indians’ Star Pitcher

• Abbott tries to explain that Bob Feller is the pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, leading to classic confusion as Costello misunderstands "Feller" as "fellow":
  • Abbott: "Feller pitching."
    Costello: "Now which feller are you talking about?" (13:09 onwards)
  • Abbott: "There is only one Feller with Cleveland." (13:27)
  • Costello: "Nine Yankees are going to play against one Feller?" (13:29)
  • Continues with repeated word play, driving home the misunderstanding.

---

7. Sporting Goods Store Hijinks

• A trip to buy equipment devolves into puns and more “Feller” confusion:
  • Costello jokes: "Abbott, you know what a bosball is? That's what the poocher throws to the Kutcher. And the pooter tries to boot a home run." (15:07)
• Jokes about Costello's weight, shoe size, and exercise routines:
  • "You're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Aren't you overweight?"
    Costello: "I'm about 120 pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight. Yes, that's normal. 60 pounds overweight." (17:20–17:32)
  • On exercise:
    "Why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells?"
    Costello: "I'm ready whenever you and Abbott are." (17:44–17:47)

---

8. Mrs. Whitwash and the Old Baseball Bat

• Abbott and Costello visit Mrs. Whitwash to ask for one of her late husband's baseball bats for good luck.
  • Mrs. Whitwash and Costello trade barbs:
    • Costello: "Your face reminds me of a rose."
      Mrs. Whitwash: "An American beauty rose?"
      Costello: "No, a rhinocerosella." (19:56–20:00)

---

9. Musical Performances

• Skinny Ennis performs “Linda” (09:23, 10:50)
• Marilyn Maxwell performs “Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans” for New Orleans Jazz Week (21:00–22:59)

---

10. Legendary Routine: “Who’s on First?”

At the heart of the episode is the full, uninterrupted performance of the classic Abbott & Costello "Who's on First?" routine—a hallmark of American comedy.

• Begins: (24:24)

  • Abbott: "On the bags we have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third." (24:41)

  • Costello: "That's what I want to find out." (24:44)

  • Rapid-fire confusing exchanges:

    • Costello: "Who's on first?"
      Abbott: "Yes."
      Costello: "I mean the fellow's name."
      Abbott: "Who." (24:52-24:58)

  • Key quotes:

    • "Who's playing first?" – Costello (25:01)
    • "What is on second." – Abbott (25:35)
    • "Who's on first? I don't know. Oh, he's on third." (25:52)

  • The routine spirals into increasing confusion with each position and player name, culminating in:

    • Costello: "Well I. I said I don't give a darn."
      Abbott: "Oh, that's our shortstop." (28:26)

---

11. Closing Gag: Letter From Joe DiMaggio

• Lou reads a final telegram from DiMaggio:
  • "Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have the makings of the world's greatest natural ball player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and you've been off your base for years." (29:19)
  • Lou and Abbott send DiMaggio well-wishes:
    "Good night, folks... and a special good night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe." (29:31)

---

Notable Quotes & Comedic Moments

• Costello on new garters: "Your socks stay up, but your legs fall down." (01:45)
• Costello’s take on salary: "No, I never drew a fat celery, but I once sketched a skinny tomato." (06:37)
• Dieting Wisdom:
  Abbott: "You should really go on a diet."
  Costello: "Sure. That’s where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like." (17:39)
• Who's On First Classic: "Who's on first?" ... "Yes." ... "The guy's name?" ... "Who." (24:52–24:58)
• Feller Confusion:
  Costello: "Nine Yankees are going to play against one feller?" (13:29)

---

Timestamps to Major Comedy Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------|---------------| | Girlfriend List Gag | 01:03 | | DiMaggio’s Telegram | 02:24 | | Baseball Strategy Routine | 03:32 | | ‘Niche’ and ‘Draw’ Routine | 05:13–07:19 | | Fitness Routine | 11:32 | | Feller Pitcher Wordplay | 13:09–14:30 | | "Bosball" and Sporting Goods Gags | 15:07–18:26 | | Mrs. Whitwash’s Baseball Bats | 19:39–20:47 | | "Linda" (Musical Performance) | 09:23, 10:50 | | "Do You Know What It Means..." (Song) | 21:13–22:59 | | "Who's on First?" | 24:24–28:26 | | Telegram from DiMaggio (Closing) | 29:19–29:31 |

---

Tone & Style

• High-paced, witty repartee, brimming with classic puns and malapropisms.
• Spirited and playful banter, quick exchanges, and escalating confusion—signature Abbott & Costello.

---

In Summary

This Abbott & Costello episode captures the timeless comedy of the duo, from Lou’s hapless misunderstandings to Abbott’s exasperated straight-man delivery. Highlights include routines about baseball, wordplay on “niche” and “draw,” the legendary “Who’s On First?” sketch, and musical interludes that capture the era’s entertainment style. It seamlessly blends slapstick, linguistic humor, and affectionate nostalgia for America’s pastime, all wrapped in a brisk, radio-perfect format.

Fans of classic comedy, baseball, or quick-witted banter will thoroughly enjoy this episode—a true gem from radio’s golden days.

---

Transcript

[Announcer]

C, A, M, D, L, S. That's right, folks. C for comedy. A for Abbott, M for Maxwell. E for Ennis. L for Lou Costello. Put them all together and they spell K. Camel Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel show starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Castella. Castella. Come.

Pastela. Will you come over here, please? Will you listen to me? What are you writing on that pad?

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Emmett, what are you writing on that pad? I'm just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie Schwartz, Maggie Mugglemeyer, Tessie Tinfoil. Lana Turner.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, wait a minute. Lana Turner wouldn't kiss you.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no.

[Skinny Ennis]

Oh, no.

[Lou Costello]

Then I'll scratch it off my list. I love it.

[Bud Abbott]

You dummy. Always thinking of girls trails.

[Lou Costello]

Girls.

[Announcer]

Girls.

[Bud Abbott]

A great men don't waste their time on girls. Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would have been if he'd have thought of.

[Announcer]

Girls all of the time?

[Lou Costello]

In the front row at Errol Carroll's.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no.

Costello, I've been telling you for the past three weeks you've got to quit chasing girls and get yourself a job.

[Lou Costello]

Look at you.

[Bud Abbott]

Look how sloppy you are. Look at your socks.

[Lou Costello]

I can't help my socks. Have it. It's those new Hickok plastic garters.

[Bud Abbott]

What's the matter with them?

[Lou Costello]

Your stock socks stay up but your legs fall down.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Boy.

[Bud Abbott]

Out of the way, Fo.

[Lou Costello]

I'm looking for Luke Costello. Boy, he is L. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

The famous Luke Costello.

[Lou Costello]

That's me.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Gee, I listen to you on the.

[Bud Abbott]

Radio every Thursday night. You break me up when you say.

[Skinny Ennis]

How do you do?

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

That ain't me. That's the mad Russian you're saying.

[Bud Abbott]

Who's going to take this over?

[Lou Costello]

I'll take it. It's collect 14,000.

[Bud Abbott]

He'll take it.

Oh, give it to me. Here, boy.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

This telegram is from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou, as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation. I would appreciate. Appreciate you taking my place. Appreciate you taking my place on New York Yankees until I recover. Please report to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Sign Joe DiMaggio.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott. Hey, that's one news. That's the news I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league ball player. Yes, imagine. You probably heard about my playing with the Cucamonga Wildcats last year. You a ball Player.

[Bud Abbott]

I don't believe it. Costello, you know nothing about.

[Lou Costello]

Oh no, I eat baseball. I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep I dream about baseball.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't you ever dream about girls?

[Lou Costello]

What, and miss my turn up at that?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh that's ridiculous. Come out with you?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. And another thing Abbott, what page are you on?

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind what page you're on.

[Lou Costello]

And another thing Abbott, not only that, in Patterson, New Jersey I worked out with a baseball team. I used to stay out till 4 o' clock in the morning.

[Bud Abbott]

Why did you stay out till 4 o' clock in the morning?

[Lou Costello]

This was a girl's baseball team.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, if you're going to play with.

[Lou Costello]

The New York Yankees, you really have.

[Bud Abbott]

To know something about big league baseball.

[Lou Costello]

Lou, I know all about baseball.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, suppose there's a left handed pitcher pitching, what do you do?

[Lou Costello]

I put in a right handed batter.

[Bud Abbott]

Now suppose there's a right handed pitcher pitching.

[Lou Costello]

I put in a left handed batter.

[Bud Abbott]

But now I trick you. I take out the right handed pitcher and put in a left handed pitcher.

[Lou Costello]

And I double cross you. I take out my left handed batter and put in a right handed batter.

[Bud Abbott]

Now wait a minute. Where are you getting all those right handed batters?

[Lou Costello]

The same place where you're getting all those left handed pitcher.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello Bud. Hello Lewis.

Honey, it's, it's Marilyn Maxwell.

[Lou Costello]

Hello Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm going to play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking you along as a pitcher.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh now Costella, Marilyn Maxwell can't pitch.

[Announcer]

Oh no.

[Lou Costello]

You should see all the guys she struck out that were trying to get the first base. This kid has got some nice curves.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh Louis, you're so sweet. But I do hope you be careful. You know, big league baseball is a very dangerous game.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, what's dangerous about baseball? Maryland.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Well, I read in a paper this morning that in the opening game in Boston, five players died on base.

[Lou Costello]

Marilyn, you don't seem to know much about baseball. Let me show you how to play indoor baseball. First I put my left arm around your waist. Then I snuggle my head on your shoulder like this. Then I press my cheek against your cheek.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, wait a minute Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball.

[Lou Costello]

How do you like that? Every season new rules.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, goodbye and good luck.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Lewis, I just know you'll become famous with those New York Yankees.

[Bud Abbott]

Marilyn's right Costello, this is your chance to become famous. Now you've got a good job as a baseball player and you might find your Proper niche in life?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I might. I mean, after all, if I find my. What will I find?

[Bud Abbott]

A niche. A niche. You'll find your niche, Abbot.

[Lou Costello]

When I find a itch, I scratch it.

[Bud Abbott]

What in the world are you talking about?

[Lou Costello]

An itch I once had the seven year itch.

[Announcer]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

I scratched real fast and got rid of it in three and a half years.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm not talking about that kind of an it. I mean an itch in life. An itch in life is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is successful has found a niche.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if that's the case, I know an Airedale that is doing very well.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen to me, Costello, when I say an itch, I don't mean an itch like you have when you have an itch. I mean a niche like you have when you have a notch.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you don't mean an itch like an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch like you have when you have a notch. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[Bud Abbott]

Why do you mash everything up like that? You're the most mixed up man I ever saw.

[Lou Costello]

Well, maybe it's because I fell on my mother's Mixmaster this morning.

[Bud Abbott]

She had a chest for mashed potatoes. I know that.

All I'm trying to tell you is that a niche is a notch.

[Lou Costello]

Catch.

[Bud Abbott]

Natch.

All right, how you know that a.

Niche is a notch? You know that both of them are the same.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

Now I could have a notch and you could have a niche.

[Lou Costello]

Yes. Niche to me and notch to you.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm only trying to impress you. The importance of being a big league ball player and having a good income. Did you ever draw a nice big fat salary?

[Lou Costello]

No, I never drew a fat celery, but I once sketched a skinny tomato.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no.

When I say draw, I don't mean draw like you draw when you draw. All I mean draw like you draw when you draw a salary.

[Lou Costello]

Habit. Let me smell your breath. Just as I thought, you've drawn one too many already.

[Bud Abbott]

Dad, listen to me, please. When I say you draw a salary, I mean you draw money.

[Lou Costello]

No, he's got me drawing money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this. I'll probably draw 20 years in a clink. And they don't feed you any celery in there either.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, when I say you draw money, I mean you draw like you draw money to spend it. Not like when you draw on an easel.

[Lou Costello]

That's what I always say. With money, it's easel, come, easel, go.

[Bud Abbott]

Everybody draws money. I draw money. I've been drawing money for years. My brother draws money. He's been drawing money for years.

[Lou Costello]

You draw and your brother draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and your brother are an old pair of drawers.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

When you bundle renters and auto with Progressive, you can save while protecting your most valuable possessions. Like your priceless vinyl collection. Sure, you sleep on a futon because the money most people would have spent on a bed you spent on more records. But forget the fact that you can stream just about any song ever created for a few dollars a month. No, no. You need to listen to music in the most difficult way possible. So go ahead and get progressive so you can save while protecting the things that matter to you. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates and other insurers not available in all special situations.

[Bud Abbott]

Foreign.

[Narrator]

It happened shortly after the end of the war. Two cigarettes glow in the dusk on the veranda of a country house. As a man and woman are chatting.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

The woman remarks, robert, you've changed your cigarette brand. This is a Camel.

[Narrator]

I can tell without even looking. Yes, I have changed my brand.

You know how we smoked whatever cigarettes we could get during the war, Don't I?

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Narrator]

I must have tried all the brands during that shortage.

That's when I found I liked Camels best.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

And weren't you right?

[Announcer]

Yes. Experience is the best teacher. During the wartime shortage, people smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. It was this experience that taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. As smokers tried cigarette after cigarette on their T zones. That's tea for taste and tea for throat. It was Camel's rich, full flavor and cool mildness that stood out from all the others. The result?

[Narrator]

Today, more people smoke Camels than ever before.

[Announcer]

Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. And while you light up a Camel, here Skinny Ennis With Linda.

[Skinny Ennis]

When I go to sleep I never count sheep I count all the charms about Linden Lately it seems in all of my dreams I walk with my arms about Linda but what good does it do me falling that doesn't know I exist? Can't help feeling gloomy Think of all the love in our midst we pass on the street My heart skips a beat I say to myself hello, Linda. If only she'd smile I'd stop for a while and then I would get to know Linda but miracles still happening and when my lucky star begins to shine with one lucky break I'll make Linda mine.

[Lou Costello]

Samus tree.

[Skinny Ennis]

My heart skips a beat. I say to myself, hello Linda. If only she'd smile. I'd stop for a while and then I would get to know Linda. But miracles still happen. And when my lucky star begins to shine, with one lucky break, I'll make Linda mine.

[Bud Abbott]

You want to be a big league ball player? You've got to get yourself in shape. Now from 8:00am to 9:00am you lift weights. From 9 to 10, deep knee bends. 10 to 11, skip rope. 11 to 12, run 5 miles.

[Lou Costello]

12 to 1. I'll never make it. You idiot.

[Bud Abbott]

You'll never be a ball player. Staying up late and going to nightclubs, eating rich food, running around with beautiful girls. Do you know what can happen to you?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I can become manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I don't even know why DiMaggio picked you. You don't even know how to swing a bat.

[Lou Costello]

I know all about swinging bats. When I was a kid my father used to hit me with a baseball bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball bat. My uncle Artie Stevens used to hit me with a baseball bat. And my mother used to hit me with a tennis racket.

[Bud Abbott]

With a tennis racket?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. She didn't like baseball.

[Bud Abbott]

Hi there fellas.

Where, where was Jillianis?

[Lou Costello]

Hey Costello. I heard about you taking Joe DiMaggio's place for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know, I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars and boy, I'll never forget my last game. There were five men on base.

[Bud Abbott]

Five men on base?

[Lou Costello]

Now that's impossible. Did you ever see the Hollywood stars play? Ennis, I've seen the Hollywood Stars and.

[Announcer]

I don't remember you.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I've changed a lot since then. Had the biggest buck teeth he ever saw.

[Announcer]

I was the only man on the.

[Lou Costello]

Team that could slide into second base and spike you from either end. Well, still on fetch though. Come on Skinny.

[Announcer]

Hello.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, you know that Skinny would make an ugly skeleton.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, don't waste time with him now. You've got to get ready for the opening game.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I think we're going to play the Cleveland Indians.

[Bud Abbott]

Cleveland Indians, eh?

[Lou Costello]

Uh huh. Feller pitching. Certainly there's a feller pitching. Who do you think they'd use a girl? Oh, I hear.

[Bud Abbott]

I know they don't use a girl. I said feller pitching.

[Lou Costello]

What feller?

[Bud Abbott]

Feller with the Cleveland Indians.

[Lou Costello]

Look Abbott, there's nine guys on the Cleveland team. Now which feller are you talking about?

[Skinny Ennis]

Feller that pitches?

[Bud Abbott]

There is only one feller with Cleveland.

[Lou Costello]

You mean nine Yankees are going to play against one Feller?

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

You mean there's no Fellers in the outfield?

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Lou Costello]

And there's no fellers in the infield?

[Bud Abbott]

No. Cleveland only has one Feller.

[Lou Costello]

Well, this fella must be pretty good if. If they don't, he don't need any other players but himself.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, all the players will be out there helping him.

[Lou Costello]

You just said there was only one fella on the team. That's right. Then where did all them other fellas come from? Are you idiot.

[Bud Abbott]

When I say there's only one feller on the team, I mean there is only one feller that pitches.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Abbott, when the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what does he call him?

[Announcer]

Feller.

[Lou Costello]

You mean he just hollers hey Feller. And this guy knows that they mean him?

[Announcer]

That's right.

[Bud Abbott]

His name is Feller.

[Lou Costello]

Feller. Bob Feller.

[Bud Abbott]

And when I say there is only one Feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And the feller that pitches is Feller. There's only the other fellows on the team, but there's only one Feller.

[Lou Costello]

Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean the fella that pitches is Fella. And there's other fellas on the team, but they're not fellas.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you grasp it.

Yes, I grasp it, but it keeps slipping out of my hand.

Let's go into this sporting goods store and get your baseball equipment. I want you to look right for the opening game. Now go ahead and ask that lady there where they keep the baseball uniform.

[Lou Costello]

Pardon me, miss.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Well, if it isn't Mr. Albert. Hello. And Mr. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Hello.

[Singer]

You fought little mon.

[Bud Abbott]

You.

What are you doing in the sportingist on this?

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh, I just soaked in to get a gift for my nephew. I'm buying him a bos ball.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, you know what a bosball is? That's what the poocher throws to the Kutcher. And the pooter tries to boot a home run.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

My, my nephew is just a lot hot. But his ambition is to be a Brooklyn Dodger.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if he's only a little guy, why don't he join the Detroit Progressive.

[Announcer]

Knows we all crave validation.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Girl, you are not 37.

[Announcer]

I would have guessed 27.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

You guys are too sweet.

[Bud Abbott]

Sure. Dewy skin, terrific.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Is something wrong, Ned?

[Lou Costello]

Why would you ask?

[Bud Abbott]

Just because Today marks my 10th anniversary without a car accident or even a speeding ticket. But somehow tonight's all about your skin care.

[Announcer]

Wow. With snapshot from Progressive you can get a Personalized rate based on how you drive. And that's all the validation you need. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliate snapshot not available in California from all agents.

[Lou Costello]

Search possible for unsafe driving and be a short stoop.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Well, I must be going. As we say in Chinese.

[Bud Abbott]

And a dish of goi chop suey and a push for your dude.

[Announcer]

Hey, look that fell they for now this. Oh, good morning boys.

[Bud Abbott]

As Johnny Weiss fell said to bust a crab.

[Announcer]

What dive did you come out of?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, my friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment. I'd like to see a baseball uniform.

[Lou Costello]

That would fit Costello.

[Announcer]

So would I. Look, as Adam said to Eve, quit ribbing me.

[Bud Abbott]

However, I'll do the best I can.

[Announcer]

We'll start with the spike shoes. What size do you wear?

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Eight.

[Announcer]

Let me see.

[Lou Costello]

I've only got one pair left and they're size five.

[Announcer]

Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead and try.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Okay.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you know? Open toed baseball shoes.

[Announcer]

Now for the uniball. My, you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't you? Aren't you overweight?

[Lou Costello]

I'm about 120 pounds overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight.

[Announcer]

Yes, that's normal.

[Lou Costello]

60 pounds overweight.

[Bud Abbott]

Gosh, Sally, you should really go on a diet.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, of course.

[Bud Abbott]

You know what a diet is, don't you?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like.

[Bud Abbott]

Young man, if you really want to.

[Announcer]

Reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple of dumbbells?

[Lou Costello]

Okay, I'm ready whenever you and Abbott are.

[Bud Abbott]

All right.

We'Ve got to get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you have any bats?

[Announcer]

Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat autographed by Slaughter of the Cardinals. This bat was made for Slaughter and.

[Lou Costello]

You got one that was made for baseball.

[Bud Abbott]

When he says Slaughter, he means Slaughter the baseball player.

[Lou Costello]

Slaughtered a baseball player? With that bet you could slaughter anybody.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, Costello, I'm talking about Slaughter.

[Announcer]

Everybody knows Slaughter. He knows Slaughter.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, maybe he knows Slaughter. But I don't know. You idiot.

Everybody knows Slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the man's last name.

[Lou Costello]

What's his first name?

[Announcer]

He knows.

[Lou Costello]

Now there's a clever guy.

[Bud Abbott]

He knows his first name. Forget about the bat.

Look, mister, do you have a baseball.

[Lou Costello]

Cap that will fit Costello's head?

[Bud Abbott]

What size pencil sharpener does he wear?

Oh, a baseball can.

[Announcer]

Oh, yes, Here's a dandy. This is the kind fellow wears.

[Lou Costello]

What fella?

[Announcer]

The fellow with the Cleveland Indians.

[Lou Costello]

There's nine players with the Cleveland Indians.

[Bud Abbott]

Which fella are you talking about? Oh, young man, when I say fellow.

[Announcer]

With the Cleveland Indians, I am only referring to one fella, the fellow that pitches with the Cleveland Indians.

[Lou Costello]

When you say the fella with the Cleveland Indians, you're only referring to one fella, the fellow that pitches for the Cleveland Indians.

[Announcer]

Yeah, as Orville said to Wilbur, you're right.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll be right back. Now they're doing our routines and sporting good stories.

Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. Mrs. Wetwash's late husband used to be a big league ball player. Now he was a home run king. In other words. Now maybe she'll give you one of his bats for good luck. Let's go over to her house and ask her.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, okay, I'll go right over now, huh? You're right, Abbott. As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. How do you like that? I forgot what John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Lawson.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, good morning, Mrs. Whitworth.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.

[Singer]

Oh, my.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

You know, you ought to muzzle that St. Bernard dog.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, pardon me.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

It's Costello I do need, sir.

[Bud Abbott]

Mrs. Whitwash, I wish you hadn't said that.

[Lou Costello]

I was just telling Abbott you're face reminds me of a rose.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh, really? An American beauty rose?

[Lou Costello]

No, a rhinocerosella.

[Bud Abbott]

Mrs. Whitewash, Costello's leaving for New York to join Joe DiMaggio's place.

[Lou Costello]

Take Joseph's place.

[Bud Abbott]

Isn't that wonderful? He's going to play with the Yank.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh, I can't believe.

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

What do those big Yanks want with a little jerk like him?

[Lou Costello]

Mrs. Whitwash, that was an insult. I'll have you know that beautiful women find me irresistible.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

I don't find you irresistible.

[Lou Costello]

And I don't find you beautiful.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet, Gisella.

Ask her for those baseball bats her husband left her.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. Mrs. Whitwash, I understand when your husband was alive he had a lot of old bats.

[Bud Abbott]

That's a lie. He never went out with anybody but me.

Mrs. Whitwash, Costella means your husband's baseball bats. You see, he thought you might give him one of them.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, that's right, Mrs. Whitwash. You see, I need a good bat.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Oh, you need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out.

[Lou Costello]

Can I have the bat right now?

[Bud Abbott]

Right now.

[Announcer]

Presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mare, producers of the Sea of Grass for Camel fans everywhere. And in honor of New Orleans Jazz Week, Marilyn sings For the first time on the air, the title song of the picture, New Orleans.

[Singer]

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans and miss it each night and day I know I'm not right the feeling's getting stronger the longer I stay away It's a moss covered vines the tall sugar pines where mockingbirds used to sing and I'd like to see the lazy Mississippi A hurrying into spring the moonlight on the bayou A Creole tune that fills the air.

[Bud Abbott]

I.

[Singer]

Dream about magnolias in June and soon I'm wishing that I were there.

[Bud Abbott]

Do.

[Singer]

You know what it means to miss New Orleans when that's where you left your heart and there's something more I miss the one I care for.

[Announcer]

More.

[Singer]

Than I miss New Orleans.

[Bud Abbott]

More than.

[Singer]

I miss New Orleans.

[Announcer]

According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels.

[Narrator]

Than any other cigarette.

Three leading independent research organizations asked this question. Of 113,597 doctors, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was Camel. Now, you probably enjoy rich, full flavor and cool mildness in a cigarette just as much as doctors do. And that's why, if you're not a Camel smoker. Now try a Camel on your T zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. Your true proving ground for any cigarette. See if Camel's rich flavor of superbly blended choice tobaccos isn't extra delightful to your taste. See if Camel's cool mildness isn't in harmony with your throat. See if you too, don't say Camels. Suit my T zone to a T.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

[Lou Costello]

Look, Abbott, if you're a coach, you must know all the players.

[Bud Abbott]

I certainly do.

[Lou Costello]

Well, you know, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, I'll. I'll tell you their names. But, you know, strange it may seem they give these ball players nowadays very peculiar names. Funny names, strange names. Pet names. Like Dizzy Dean and brother Daffy. Daffy Dean.

[Lou Costello]

And their French cousin, French Goufe.

[Bud Abbott]

Gouve Dean. Oh, I see. Well, let's see.

[Lou Costello]

We have.

[Bud Abbott]

On the bags we have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third.

[Lou Costello]

That's what I want to find out.

[Bud Abbott]

I say, who's on first, what's on second. I don't know who's on third?

[Lou Costello]

Are you the manager?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

You're going to be the coach, too?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

And you know the fellow's name?

[Bud Abbott]

I should.

[Lou Costello]

Well, then, who's on first?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

I mean the fellow's name.

[Announcer]

Who?

[Lou Costello]

The guy on first. Who? The first baseball. The guy playing.

[Bud Abbott]

Who is on first?

[Lou Costello]

I'm asking you who's on first.

[Bud Abbott]

That's the man's name.

[Lou Costello]

That's whose name?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me.

[Announcer]

That's it.

[Lou Costello]

That's who?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

You got a first baseman, Serge Lee, who's playing first? That's right. When you pay off the first basement every month, who gets the money?

[Announcer]

Every dollar of it.

[Bud Abbott]

All I'm trying to find out is.

[Lou Costello]

The fellow's name on first base.

[Announcer]

Who?

[Lou Costello]

The guy that gets the money. That's it. Who gets the money off first base?

[Bud Abbott]

He does.

Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

[Lou Costello]

Who's what?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

What's wrong with that? Look, all I want to know is.

[Lou Costello]

When you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? The guy?

[Announcer]

Who?

[Lou Costello]

How does he sign his name?

[Bud Abbott]

That's how he signs it.

[Lou Costello]

Who?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

No, Water's on second base.

I'm not asking you who's on second.

Who's on first.

One base at a time.

Change the players.

[Lou Costello]

Take it easy.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm only asking you who's the guy on first base?

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. All right.

[Bud Abbott]

I mean, what's the guy's name on first base?

No. What is on second.

I'm not asking you who's on first.

Who's on first?

I don't know.

Oh, he's on third. We're not talking about him.

How did I get on third base?

[Lou Costello]

Why?

[Bud Abbott]

You mentioned his name.

If I mention a third base's name.

[Lou Costello]

Who did I say is playing first?

[Bud Abbott]

No.

Who's playing first?

[Lou Costello]

What's on first?

[Bud Abbott]

Watts on second.

I don't know.

He's on third.

There I go, back on third again.

All right. I don't even know.

Now, who's playing third base.

Why do you insist on putting who on third base?

What am I putting on third?

What is on second?

The one who on second.

Who is on first?

I don't know. You got our field?

Sure.

Let our field.

[Lou Costello]

His name.

[Bud Abbott]

Why? I just thought I'd ask.

Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Now tell me who's playing left field? Who is playing first and that's me out of the field. I want to know what's the guy's name in left field.

Now what is on second.

I'm not asking you who's on. Who's on first? I don't know. In the left field, his name. Why? Because.

Oh, he's center field.

Look, look. You got a pitcher on a team.

[Announcer]

Sure.

[Lou Costello]

The pitcher's name?

[Bud Abbott]

Tamara.

[Lou Costello]

You don't want to tell me today?

[Bud Abbott]

I'm telling you, man. Go ahead. Tomorrow, what time? What time what? What time? Tomorrow you're going to tell me who's pitching.

Now listen, who is not pitching?

I'll break your arm. You say who's on? I want to know what's the pictures there.

[Announcer]

Watch.

[Bud Abbott]

One second. I don't know how to catch it. Friendly.

[Lou Costello]

The catcher's name today and tomorrow's pitching.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you've got it. All we got is a couple of days on the field. I get behind a plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's pitching on my team. And the heavy hitter gets up.

Yes.

Now, the heavy hitter bunched the ball.

[Lou Costello]

When he bunched the ball, me being.

[Bud Abbott]

A good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out of first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it the hoop.

Now, that's the first thing you've said, right.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. That's all you have to do is to throw the ball at first base.

Yes.

Now who's got it?

Naturally.

I throw the ball at first base. Somebody's gotta get it. Now, who has?

[Lou Costello]

That's naturally.

[Bud Abbott]

Who.

Naturally.

Naturally.

[Lou Costello]

Naturally.

[Bud Abbott]

So I pick up the ball and I throw it the natural. No, you don't.

You throw the ball in a hole.

Naturally. That's different. That's what I said. You're not saying that I throw the ball in natural.

You throw it the hole.

Naturally.

That's it.

That's what I said. Listen, you asked me. I throw the ball a who?

Naturally.

[Lou Costello]

Now you ask me, you throw the ball a who?

[Bud Abbott]

Naturally. Same as you. Same as you. I throw the ball to hoop. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs a second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what? What throws it? I don't know.

[Lou Costello]

I don't know.

[Bud Abbott]

Throws it back to tomorrow triple play. Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to be caused. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn. Well, I. I said I don't give a darn.

Oh, that's our shortstop.

[Lou Costello]

How many.

[Bud Abbott]

Evidence you said.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Just a moment.

[Announcer]

For Camel cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes and a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Fort Lyon, Colorado USAF Station Hospital, Davis Month and Field, Tucson, Arizona. U.S. naval Hospital, Quantico, Virginia U.S. marine Hospital, Baltimore, Maryland and Veterans Hospital, Palo Alto, California. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

What is that, Lou? You've got your hand there. Another telegram.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, look, I just got a Telegram from Joe DiMaggio.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, go ahead and read it.

[Marilyn Maxwell]

Okay.

[Lou Costello]

Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have the makings of the world's greatest natural ball player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and you've been off your base for years. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. And a special good night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen to Abbott and Costello again next Thursday night.

[Announcer]

When Costello is going to build himself a new prefabricated house. You can imagine the trouble he'll get into. I don't know whether it'll be a one story house or a two story house. But anyway, that's another.

[Narrator]

Prince Albert pipe appeal. They're one and the same thing. Any tobacco burns, makes smoke. But where else can you find the tobacco that has the pipe appeal of Prince Albert? The coolness, mildness, the rich full flavor. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. Crimp cut to smoke slow and cool. So pack your pipe with mellow rich pa. Enjoy pipe appeal with Prince Albert. And while we're speaking of enjoying yourself, be sure to tune in on Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night. You all know and love the songs of America. But this week you have something extra special special in store for you. Red Foley and his guests, Ernest Tubb and Roy Acuff. Randall Opry Saturday night on NBC.

[Announcer]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camo Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. C A M E L S.

[Lou Costello]

Avan.

[Announcer]

And Costello's famous baseball routine, who's on First? Is now available at Phonograph Records. This is Michael Roy at Hollywood. Wishing you all a pleasant good night.