Abbott & Costello 43-11-18 (039) Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott & Costello 43-11-18 (039) Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball

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Podcast Information

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode Title: Abbott & Costello 43-11-18 (039) Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball
• Release Date: May 10, 2025
• Description: A nostalgic journey into the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved shows and iconic characters such as The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more, all brought to life by the family-friendly magic of radio before television.

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Introduction

The episode kicks off with the familiar warm-up by Ken Niles, setting the stage for a classic Abbott & Costello comedy routine. The introduction highlights the sponsor, Camels cigarettes, and teases tonight's guest, the delightful Lucille Ball, alongside stars Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

Notable Quote:

• Ken Niles [00:11]: "Tonight's guest, Metro Golden Mayor, star of the best foot forward, Ms. Lucille Ball."

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Establishing the Plot: Costello’s Quest for Nylon Stockings

The central plot revolves around Lou Costello's desperate need to obtain a pair of nylon stockings to go out on a date with Connie Haynes. His quest is met with a series of comedic obstacles, primarily involving his interactions with his straight-man partner, Bud Abbott.

Key Interactions:

• Bud Abbott [00:48]: "There you are, Costello, late as usual. Why, what kept you this time?"
• Lou Costello [00:54]: Describes his humorous mishap with Carrie Abbott, a new postal worker who "tried to kiss me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin" because she "can't find the right zone."

Notable Quote:

• Lou Costello [00:58]: "She tried to kiss me. Yeah, she kept flat out kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin."

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Comedic Tensions: Abbott’s Frustration and Costello’s Antics

Bud Abbott grows increasingly frustrated with Costello’s incessant pursuit of women, threatening their partnership if Costello doesn't change his ways. This tension sets the stage for Costello’s determination to secure the nylon stockings.

Dialogue Highlights:

• Bud Abbott [01:51]: "Now see here, Costello, you'll have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time, or we're through."
• Lou Costello [01:58]: "I didn't know you felt that way, Abbott. Yes, all right, I promise I won't look at another girl if I live to be a thousand years old."

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Introduction of New Characters and Obstacles

Connie Haynes enters the scene, presenting an opportunity for Costello to win back Abbott’s favor by choosing her instead of other women. However, compelling challenges arise, including interactions with Mrs. Niles and a whimsical appearance by Bugs Bunny.

Notable Moments:

• Connie Haynes [02:12]: "Hello, my fat little sugar man, how time flies."
• Lou Costello [03:06]: "Who can't? I can get one pair, two pairs. I can get a dozen pair of nylons."

Notable Quote:

• Connie Haynes [03:24]: "I'll see you at 8 o' clock tonight with a nylon."

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The Store Scene: Searching for Nylons

Abbott and Costello arrive at Bigglebottom's store, humorously navigating through sales tactics and comedic misunderstandings to locate the coveted nylon stockings. Their encounter with Bugs Bunny adds a surreal twist typical of comedic routines.

Key Interactions:

• Lou Costello [07:12]: "Beaglebottom making a cheerful refund."
• Bugs Bunny [08:58]: "Step lively. Get a move on. Plenty of room on a second layer."

Notable Quote:

• Lou Costello [07:23]: "I can give you a tip on a real bargain. Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring Department, we have 4,000 pairs of three-legged pants."

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Elevator Escapade with Bugs Bunny

In a hilarious sequence, Bugs Bunny commandeers the elevator, leading to slapstick humor as Costello tries to keep up with the fast-paced antics. This segment underscores the classic dynamic between Abbott’s straight demeanor and Costello’s chaotic energy.

Notable Quote:

• Bugs Bunny [09:04]: "Eh, what's up, doc? What's cooking, Tato?"

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The Climax: Attempting to Woo Lucille Ball

The duo finally reaches Lucille Ball's house, where Costello makes an earnest yet comically inept attempt to win her over to obtain the nylon stockings. Their interactions are filled with humorous missteps and playful banter.

Key Interactions:

• Lou Costello [15:05]: "Boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the tom."
• Bud Abbott [16:02]: "Look, Ms. Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you. With your washing, for instance."

Notable Quote:

• Lou Costello [17:17]: "When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire."

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Resolution: The Stocking Dilemma and Reconciliation

After a series of failed attempts, misunderstandings, and humorous exchanges, Costello’s plan to secure the stockings falls apart when Connie Haynes reveals she intends to give the stockings to Lucille Ball instead. Despite the setback, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello reconcile their friendship amidst the chaos.

Key Moments:

• Connie Haynes [20:07]: "Why didn't you have them wrapped as a gift?"
• Lou Costello [20:48]: Expresses feeling of loneliness, leading to Abbott comforting him.

Notable Quote:

• Bud Abbott [20:54]: "Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou."

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Conclusion: A Classic Ending with a Setup for the Next Episode

The episode wraps up with Abbott and Costello reflecting on their misadventures, with Ken Niles teasing a future Thanksgiving episode featuring Jane Wyman. The playful banter and classic sign-off maintain the nostalgic feel of the Golden Age of Radio.

Notable Quote:

• Lou Costello [21:42]: "We won't have a turkey, but that Jane Wyman. What a chicken."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Lou Costello [00:58]: "She tried to kiss me. Yeah, she kept flat out kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin."
2. Connie Haynes [03:24]: "I'll see you at 8 o' clock tonight with a nylon."
3. Lou Costello [07:23]: "I can give you a tip on a real bargain. Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring Department, we have 4,000 pairs of three-legged pants."
4. Bugs Bunny [09:04]: "Eh, what's up, doc? What's cooking, Tato?"
5. Lou Costello [17:17]: "When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully recreates the charm and humor of Abbott & Costello's legendary routines. The inclusion of iconic characters like Bugs Bunny and a guest appearance by Lucille Ball enrich the narrative, providing both nostalgia and fresh comedic twists. Listeners are treated to a seamless blend of classic humor, witty dialogue, and timeless friendship dynamics, making it a delightful journey for fans new and old.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Ken Niles]

The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camels. The cigarette that's first in the service. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. Billy Gray as little Matilda. Mel Blanc is the famous Leon Schlesinger cartoon character, Bugs Bunny. Tonight's guest, Metro Golden Mayor, star of the best foot forward, Ms. Lucille Ball. And starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, come here.

[Bud Abbott]

There you are, Costello, late as usual. Why, what kept you this time?

[Lou Costello]

Ah, I was waiting for our new letter. Carrie Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, and it turned out to be a dame. Boy, did I have trouble with her.

[Bud Abbott]

In what kind of trouble?

[Lou Costello]

She tried to kiss me. Yeah, she kept flat out kissing me on the eyes, on the nose, on the chin. Wait a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

Why didn't she kiss you on the lips?

[Lou Costello]

Well, she's new at the post office and she can't find the right zone.

[Bud Abbott]

The right zone. There you go again, Costello, I can read your mind like a book. All I can see is women, women and women.

[Lou Costello]

Where did you turn to Page four. You'll find some girls.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, yeah. Girls, girls, girls, girls. Every night you're out late with girls. Last night you were out with two.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but I only caught one.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

Boy, was she beautiful. I met her down at the Lone Palm King Charna's joint. Was she a gorgeous aircraft worker? She was what a fuselage. A fuselage. That little aircraft worker did something to me, brother.

[Bud Abbott]

No kidding.

[Lou Costello]

I took her in my arms. I felt a pounding in my chest.

[Bud Abbott]

You mean your heart was beating?

[Lou Costello]

No, she forgot to turn off her riveting machine.

[Bud Abbott]

Now see here, Costello, you'll have to stop this. Either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all of the time, or we're through.

[Lou Costello]

I didn't know you felt that way, Abbott. Yes, all right, I promise I won't look at another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.

[Connie Haynes]

Hello, my fat little sugar man, how time flies.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, Connie, you look cute tonight.

[Connie Haynes]

Do you really think so, honey?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, Now I know what they mean. By the square. Solid South.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, Costello, look.

[Lou Costello]

Don't get it, eh? Now, all right, look.

[Bud Abbott]

If you're so anxious to go out with girls, why don't you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haynes here?

[Lou Costello]

Connie won't go out with me.

[Connie Haynes]

Yes, I will, Mr. Costello. I had a fight with my family tonight and I want to disgrace him.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, what did I tell you, Abbott? There's no use.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm surprised at you. Did George Washington give up at Valley Forge?

[Lou Costello]

He had a tough time Never mind.

[Bud Abbott]

Did Paul Revere give up?

[Lou Costello]

No, but Paul Revere had a horse she could depend on.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, well, you've got me.

[Lou Costello]

I'd rather have the horse.

[Connie Haynes]

Well, Miss Costello, I'll go out with you on one condition. If you all get me a pair of nylon stockings.

[Lou Costello]

A pair of nylon stockings. That's a deal.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, now, don't be silly, Costello. You can get nylons.

[Lou Costello]

Who can't? I can get one pair, two pairs. I can get a dozen pair of nylons. That Opa hears everything.

[Connie Haynes]

Goodbye, my fat little sugar man. I'll see you at 8 o' clock tonight with a nylon.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, Abbott, I guess I talk too fast. Where am I gonna get a pair of nylons? I wanna go out with Conny Haynes.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, why don't you be smart? Be nice to Mrs. Niles.

[Ken Niles]

That's right, Costello. My wife has a pair of nylon stockings.

[Lou Costello]

Now, wait a minute, Niles. You mean a dame with those ugly legs for stockings?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, now, what do you expect her to wear?

[Lou Costello]

Hip boots? Hip boots?

[Mrs. Niles]

I heard that remark.

[Lou Costello]

Hot fellow. Ah, well, if it isn't Mrs. Niles in the flesh, and I use the word loosely.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, you funny, funny man. And I use the word physically. You know, there's nothing wrong with my legs. Why, I was once a ballet dancer. I used to kick my leg way.

[Bugs Bunny]

Up in the air.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, and on the way down, you catch it. Now.

[Bud Abbott]

Why do you fight with Mrs. Niles? Her legs are very attractive.

[Lou Costello]

Are you kidding? She's so bowlegged. Every time she runs she looks like an egg beater. Am I insulting you?

[Mrs. Niles]

My legs are perfectly straight.

[Lou Costello]

Coachello.

[Bugs Bunny]

Look at them.

[Mrs. Niles]

They're just like arrows.

[Lou Costello]

Feathers and all.

[Mrs. Niles]

Feathers. Of all the nerve. I'm not an old hen.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no. Get back into your coop. Come on, get back in your coop.

[Bugs Bunny]

Stop that. Now, stop that, I said.

[Lou Costello]

Quick. Stop that, I said. Kenneth, will you please say something? Kenneth Niles, you come with me. DOOR SLAMS Never mind that. No, no. Excuse me.

[Bud Abbott]

Come here. Costello was written here. Never mind what's written there.

[Lou Costello]

Excuse his business.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you've driven Mrs. Niles out of the studio again.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, pilot the navigator. Pilot the navigator. Pilot Dame Tank, same.

[Connie Haynes]

I think that's very funny. But I'm only three and a half years old.

[Lou Costello]

It's little Matilda.

[Bud Abbott]

Matilda, what are you doing out of school?

[Connie Haynes]

My teacher sent me home cause I kissed a little boy.

[Bud Abbott]

You kissed a boy?

[Connie Haynes]

Well, it wasn't exactly a kiss. We were eating the same liquor stick and I chewed past my hand.

[Lou Costello]

Now, look, Matilda, will you Please go home.

[Connie Haynes]

I can't. I'll get lost.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, you won't. The train stops at every station.

[Connie Haynes]

Why does it stop at every station, Uncle Louie?

[Lou Costello]

Because it's a milk train.

[Connie Haynes]

Do they have to milk it at every station?

[Lou Costello]

How do you like a little kid three and a half years old? What's in it if you have to milk a train?

[Bud Abbott]

Milk a train. Milk a train?

[Lou Costello]

It's impossible. You can't milk a train, silly. How's he gonna get a big train to sit on a little stool?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, look, Matilda, please. Don't worry, Uncle Louie. He's trying to get a pair of nylon stockings.

[Connie Haynes]

You could get a pair of nylon stockings from my friend Betty Grable.

[Lou Costello]

Betty Grable? How do you know she has nylons?

[Connie Haynes]

Because that's where I saw her put her money.

[Lou Costello]

The bank of America never had branches like that.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, Matilda. Maybe you can help. Uncle Louie, do you really know Betty Grable?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah.

[Connie Haynes]

Here's a two of us on a bicycle. That's me on the handlebars.

[Mrs. Niles]

Mm.

[Lou Costello]

But why have you got such a.

[Bud Abbott]

Surprise look on your face?

[Lou Costello]

Cold handlebars, cold handle bar.

[Ken Niles]

And now back to Abbott and Costello and their search for nylon stockings.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, I guess we came to the right place. Look at that sign.

[Lou Costello]

Square deal.

[Bud Abbott]

Bigglebottom's the happy oh so happy store. Costello, what was that?

[Lou Costello]

That was Beaglebottom making a cheerful refund.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, boy. I wonder where the hosiery department is. Let's ask this fellow over here. Pardon me, mister. Are you the flower walker?

[Lou Costello]

What do you think I am with this carnation on a flower pot? After all, I'm not a jerk, you know. Well, you're not trying.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, don't antagonize the man. He might be able to help you, you know.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I think you got something there, Abbott. Mister, please, mister, I wish you could do something for me. I gotta get a pair of nylons. We haven't any nylons. And stop licking my hand. It's no use, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, forget about the nylons and the date with Connie Haynes. Just a moment, gentlemen.

[Lou Costello]

I can give you a tip on a real bargain. Due to a slight oversight in our tailoring Department, we have 4,000 pairs of three legged pants. Three legged pants? That's great. I'll tell all my three legged friends.

[Bud Abbott]

But don't tell them all. Remember, only one pair to a customer.

[Lou Costello]

Come on, Evan, let's get out of here, away from this guy.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, don't get excited. Wait a minute. We'll try the sales girl here. Oh, miss, can you tell us where we might get a pair of nylons?

[Mrs. Niles]

Sorry, I can't help you. You see, I'm in long underwear.

[Lou Costello]

Itchy, isn't it?

[Bud Abbott]

Stop insulting people. Now, there's only one that gets one way to get those nylons.

[Lou Costello]

There.

[Bud Abbott]

Lou, listen to me. We'll have to see Mr. Beetlebottom personally. We've got to do this now. Come on. Here's the elevator. Up, Up. Up. Up. Up. Up.

[Lou Costello]

That's enough. Up. That's enough. Up. Cut it out. Have you tried baking soda?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, never mind that.

[Bugs Bunny]

All right, folks, step lively. Get a move on. Plenty of room on a second layer.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you going up?

[Bugs Bunny]

Eh, what's up, doc? What's cooking, Tato?

[Lou Costello]

Costello, look, it's Bugs Bunny. Hey, Bugs, what are you doing running an elevator?

[Bugs Bunny]

Well, I'm replacing a woman. That's essential.

[Lou Costello]

Doc. Come on, stop wasting time. Get us up there.

[Bugs Bunny]

Okay, doc, come on up. Go up. Too fast for your fat show?

[Lou Costello]

No, I always wear my pants at half mast.

[Bud Abbott]

Bugs, will you please let us out?

[Bugs Bunny]

Okay, Doc. Egg floor, chewing gum, chocolate bar, sweet cream, butter, T bone steaks and other picture postcards.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but I'm gonna murder this rabbit.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, don't pay any attention to him. Now we've got to see Mr. Bigglebottom about those nylon stockings. There's a secretary. Pardon me, miss, can we see Mr. Biglebottom?

[Connie Haynes]

Okay. Did you have an apartment?

[Lou Costello]

An apartment? Nar.

[Connie Haynes]

Then where did you want to see him? A Burt.

[Lou Costello]

I want to see my bird. Some narrow on stickers.

[Connie Haynes]

Oh, Neuralons are having a big sale in just a moment. Down that second Earl.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, thanks. Come on, Herbert. What kind of talk is that?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, stop talking like that. Hurry up, we'll miss the sale.

[Bugs Bunny]

Here you are, people.

[Lou Costello]

Here you are. Nylon stockings. Nylon stockings. Hey, you. You over there. I'll take a pair for selling. I'm buying. I must be from Nancy's.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, Costello, stop fooling around. Look up at that sign there. One pair of nylons goes on sale in less than a minute.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, but there's 500 women ahead of me.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, what do you care? Go on, squeeze through.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just a minute, young man. You can't squeeze in here. Okay, babe, let's go outside.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, yo, watch how you're talking to my mother.

[Lou Costello]

She's a pistol packer. Mama, what are you, one of the blanks?

[Ken Niles]

Quiet.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet. Costello, is everybody quiet.

[Lou Costello]

Everybody quiet, please. Quiet. We are about to put on sale one pair of nylons. Remember, only One pair. The first one to get to the counter will receive the nylons and free medical attention.

[Bugs Bunny]

All right, get ready now. All right, fatso. You gotta win this race, Doc.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, bug, what are you doing on my back?

[Bugs Bunny]

I'm your jockey, Doc.

[Lou Costello]

How can I run fast with you on my back?

[Bugs Bunny]

Don't worry, I got a whip. Hey. Hey, fatso, your stirrups are loose.

[Lou Costello]

Take your feet out of my garter belt.

[Mrs. Niles]

They're all.

[Lou Costello]

And they're running at bigger bottoms.

[Bugs Bunny]

That was a bumpy start. And Costello broke fast, rounding the hard way. He's pulling away at the half. It's Costello cutting through the garter department.

[Lou Costello]

Hey.

[Bugs Bunny]

He's into the back stretch. It's Costello by four by six. And now a final drive down to home. It's Costello all away. There's nothing between him and the nylons. He can't lose.

[Lou Costello]

He's across the finish line.

[Bugs Bunny]

And, ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner, Ms. Lucille Ball.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, what's this gag about? Lucille Ball? Come on. You'll give me those stockings. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Take your hands off that girl. It is Lucille Ball.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes. And you won't get the stockings by wrestling with me.

[Lou Costello]

Who wants stockings?

[Bud Abbott]

Miss. Miss Ball, I'd like to apologize for this unseemly conduct. I'm Bud Abbott.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Abbott? You're the organ grinder, aren't you?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes. No.

[Lou Costello]

No.

[Bud Abbott]

What makes you think I'm an organ grinder?

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, I thought I recognized that monkey with you.

[Lou Costello]

Now, wait a minute, kid. Hold the monkey. I mean, after all. Unfinished. Costello. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, come here. Come here.

[Bugs Bunny]

Shh.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet. Now, you've got to play up to Miss Ball if you want to get those nylons. Remember, you can catch more flies with sugar than you can with vinegar.

[Lou Costello]

Who wants flies? I ain't got enough points.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. Look, Miss Ball, it's very important for Costello to get those nylon stockings.

[Lou Costello]

My cue. Thank you. Yes, and you don't need them, Seal.

[Mrs. Niles]

You don't need them.

[Lou Costello]

Name me two good reasons.

[Mrs. Niles]

What are these two things? I'm standing on chopped liver.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. Look.

[Lou Costello]

You better.

[Bud Abbott]

You better let me take care of this. You know, Lou, after all, we understand things. Women are putty in my hand.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but who wants a handful of putty? Shut up.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll have you know that I've got this savoir fair.

[Lou Costello]

You ain't even got coffee that Al. Hey, look, Lucille, why. Why won't you give me those nylons?

[Mrs. Niles]

Give you the nylons? You've got a lot of Nerve. You're nothing but a cheap panhandler. You're not even a man.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, now there's a great ad lib.

[Lou Costello]

Come on, look at the sheet, that's all. Read what's on there.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, I think I'll take the nylons home. So long, slug. Seeing a slot machine.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you fix things fine, Castellum. What are you going to do now?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'm going to dash right out to Lucille Ball's house, get those stockings and dash right back.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, but what if she's putting them on?

[Lou Costello]

Pilot to navigator. Cancel that last dash.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, here we are at Lucille Ball's house. Now remember, you've got to make an impression on her to get those nylon stockings. Comb your hair.

[Lou Costello]

It is combed, Abbott. Look. Ain't it plastered down nice?

[Bud Abbott]

What did you use to plaster it down?

[Lou Costello]

Plaster?

[Bud Abbott]

Plastic. How come your hair's so yellow?

[Lou Costello]

Mustard. Plaster. Boy, watch me go to work on that Lucille Ball. I'll turn on the tom.

[Bud Abbott]

You'd better let me handle it, Costello. She's more of my type. I go for those trim ankles.

[Lou Costello]

You couldn't afford the upkeep on an ankle like that.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

That's a very clumsy joint.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, shut up. Here, I'll ring the bell.

[Lou Costello]

Never mind, don't ring the bell. Can't you read the sign? Maid sleeping? How not.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, it's about time you guys got here. You'll find the ladder and saw in the basement.

[Lou Costello]

Lantern saw?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah. Aren't you fellows from the tree surgeons? I was expecting somebody here to trim my tree trunks.

[Lou Costello]

We're only interested in your limbs.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Ms. Ball, I'm afraid you have us confused with somebody else. You met us in the department store, remember? I'm Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

And I'm Costello. You must have a poor memory for faces.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah, especially for poor faces. Listen, what do you guys want here? It's too late for Halloween. It's too late. Early for Groundhog Day.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, wait a minute. What do I look like, a groundhog? No coaching, please.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet. Quiet. Costella. Get away from me. I'll take care of this. Ms. Ball, we're just trying to be neighborly. You know how the laundry situation is and we're here to help you. With your washing, for instance.

[Lou Costello]

We.

[Bud Abbott]

We wash stockings and.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, yeah, stockings. Yeah.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, that sounds interesting. Is your laundry service fast?

[Lou Costello]

Fast? We bring it back before it's clean.

[Bud Abbott]

You see, Ms. Ball, we're especially expert in the care of nylon stockings.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, nylons.

[Bud Abbott]

Nylons.

[Mrs. Niles]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you fellas Trying to talk me into something?

[Lou Costello]

No, we're trying to talk you out of something.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, I'm not interested. You'll have to leave now.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, I think we're sunk. What am I gonna do, turn on the charm?

[Bud Abbott]

Go ahead, make love to her.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, all. Lucille, please don't send me away. I've always admired you. Come sit with me on this love sheet, baby. Please, baby. And put your feet or your face, your foot in my hands. Put something in my hand.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, now. Turn it on, Costello. Turn it on.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead, Lucille. I've lived for this moment. We were meant for each other. I was born to kneel at your feet.

[Mrs. Niles]

Get this GI haircut with a civilian approach.

[Lou Costello]

Don't spur me, Lucille. Did everybody go out? Don't spur me, Lucille. I love you. I love you, Lucille. I love you. I adore you. When I look at your face, it sets my brain on fire.

[Mrs. Niles]

I thought I smelled punk burning.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Anna, what should I say?

[Bud Abbott]

Recite poetry to us.

[Lou Costello]

Recite poetry? Yeah. Okay. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if I don't get you, Tommy Manful Musk.

[Mrs. Niles]

Just a second. Who do you think you are, Santa Claus?

[Lou Costello]

No. Why?

[Mrs. Niles]

Then stay away from my stockings. What are you trying to do, fat boy?

[Lou Costello]

Fat boy? Who's fat? Look at my shape, Lucille. Of course I go in here, then I go out there. And I go in here a little. And then I go out there a little more than I go in here a little. And that's funny. I don't come back in again.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, stop being silly, Costa. Everybody knows you're fat.

[Mrs. Niles]

Sure. I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he measured you for two days before he even met you.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, these are.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Lou, why don't you stop all this nonsense? The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott. It's this way. Lucille, I promised a pair of nylon stockers to a girl. And if you give me your nylons, I'll let you work in my next picture.

[Mrs. Niles]

Threatening me will get you nowhere.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, we could do a terrific love scene, Amir. Lucille, I'll show you the kiss. I'm getting hiccups. The kiss that made me famous. Ready?

[Mrs. Niles]

Ready.

[Lou Costello]

Contact. Wow.

[Mrs. Niles]

Where did you learn to kiss like that?

[Lou Costello]

Siphoning gas out of cars. Well, what do you say, Lucille? How about another kiss?

[Mrs. Niles]

No, thanks. I'd rather give you the stocking. You fellas turn your backs and I'll take them off.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Costello, turn around.

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah, and no rubber necking.

[Lou Costello]

Don't worry, I won't rubber ball. I thought it was funny.

[Mrs. Niles]

You're just the type that would rubber heel.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I hope you're happy, Costello. You finally got those nylons. Now, let's go.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come in.

[Connie Haynes]

Hello, Lucille, darling. I just came over to. Why, my fat little sugar man. What are you all doing here? Two timing on me? You all are a kid, sir. I never want to see you again. What do you say to that?

[Lou Costello]

Well. Shut my mouth, Abbott. She did it. Serves you right. Okay, so what are we gonna do about it? I mean, after all. Look, honey, why do you treat me this way? Look, I gotta get you the. I got you the nylon stockings.

[Connie Haynes]

Why, sure enough, honey. Bless your fat little heart. But why did you all. Why didn't you have them wrapped as a gift?

[Lou Costello]

Wrapped as a gift? I thought you were gonna wear them.

[Connie Haynes]

Shucks, no. I'm giving them to Lucy. A ball.

[Lou Costello]

Lucille ball. Wait a minute. Then who have I got a date with tonight?

[Connie Haynes]

Not with me, sugar.

[Mrs. Niles]

Not with me, Shorty, that's all.

[Lou Costello]

Nobody wants me. The world's against me.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, don't talk like that, Lou. I'm your pal. My arms are around you. How do you feel?

[Lou Costello]

I still feel lonesome.

[Bud Abbott]

Then rest your head on my shoulder, Lou. Okay, Abbott. Now, how do you feel?

[Lou Costello]

Much better. Let's dance. Get out of here.

[Ken Niles]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment. And now, here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. Well, folks, next Thursday is Thanksgiving and Jane Wyman will be here to help us celebrate.

[Lou Costello]

And be sure to tune in, everybody. We won't have a turkey, but that Jane Wyman. What a chicken. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody at the Lone Pa.

[Ken Niles]

This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.