Abbott & Costello 43-12-02 (041) Trip to Palm Springs with Veronica Lake

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Abbott & Costello 43-12-02 (041) Trip to Palm Springs with Veronica Lake"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Abbott & Costello 43-12-02 (041) Trip to Palm Springs with Veronica Lake
• Release Date: May 17, 2025

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Overview

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" features the classic comedic duo Abbott & Costello on a misadventure-filled trip to Palm Springs, accompanied by the glamorous Veronica Lake. Set against the backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, the episode captures the quintessential humor and charm of the era, blending slapstick comedy with witty dialogue. The storyline revolves around a car accident, interactions with hotel staff and guests, and the duo's attempts to involve Veronica Lake in their next film project, all leading to a series of humorous misunderstandings and escapades.

Main Plot

1. The Car Accident and Its Aftermath ([00:12] - [06:37])

The episode kicks off with Lou Costello causing a car accident, leading to Mrs. Niles being trapped under the vehicle. Ken Niles attempts to help, only to discover that more individuals, including himself, are inadvertently caught under the car. Costello humorously explains the mishap:

• Lou Costello ([02:00]): "And I swear right back down here. That's what I thought I said. You David Copperfield, you Tale of Two Cities. You Oliver Twist."

As tensions rise, Bud Abbott arrives, further complicating the situation with his disheveled appearance:

• Bud Abbott ([03:13]): "Look at my suit. I'm a mess."

The group debates the next steps, ultimately deciding to rent another car to continue their trip to Palm Springs.

2. Arrival at the Lone Palm Hotel ([10:02] - [13:37])

Upon reaching the swanky Lone Palm Hotel, Abbott and Costello encounter challenges with the hotel clerk while trying to book a room:

• Lou Costello ([10:20]): "Oh, jerk. Just a moment please. This is a very high class hotel, I'll have you understand."

They navigate through the booking process but soon realize a mix-up regarding the hotel's floors, leading to further confusion and frustration.

3. Encounter with Little Matilda ([13:00] - [14:04])

In their room, the duo meets Little Matilda, a three-and-a-half-year-old chambermaid with a peculiar job of putting lace curtains around mouse holes:

• Little Matilda ([13:21]): "I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall. That attracts a higher class."

Costello's attempt to interact with her only adds to the comedic tension.

4. Meeting Veronica Lake ([14:04] - [24:35])

Veronica Lake makes her entrance, expressing her frustration with the situation and engaging in a series of comedic exchanges with Costello and Abbott. Veronica's professionalism contrasts with the duo's antics:

• Veronica Lake ([14:04]): "I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happens. I've never been so humiliated in all my life."

Costello's attempts to flirt and engage in witty banter with Veronica lead to a playful yet awkward interaction:

• Lou Costello ([15:01]): "I make up all my own."
• Veronica Lake ([14:37]): "Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee."

As the episode progresses, Mr. Nazaro, the director, attempts to include Abbott & Costello in his new film, resulting in a series of misunderstandings and comedic mishaps during scene rehearsals.

5. Attempting to Make the Picture ([20:03] - [24:35])

Mr. Nazaro outlines a convoluted and nonsensical script for Abbott & Costello to follow, leading to humorous confusion:

• Mr. Nazaro ([21:30]): "I want you to walk towards her, put your arms, put that little Santa Cruz pull it for the sage and feed the sort of things."

Costello and Abbott struggle to comprehend the instructions, fostering a series of comedic exchanges that highlight their inability to follow the director's unconventional directives.

Key Interactions and Comedic Highlights

• Miscommunication and Wordplay:

  • Lou Costello ([02:00]): "And I swear right back down here. That's what I thought I said."
  • Veronica Lake ([14:37]): "Mater means mother and Peter means father. Where are your mater and Peter?"

• Comedic Physicality:

  • The recurring gag of multiple characters (including Mrs. Niles and Ken Niles) being stuck under the car adds a layer of slapstick humor.

• Verbal Sparring:

  • Lou Costello ([15:30]): "That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it? That's a funny joke."
  • Veronica Lake ([23:08]): "You can't understand me. Listen to him."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Lou Costello on the Car Accident:

  • [02:00]: "And I swear right back down here. That's what I thought I said. You David Copperfield, you Tale of Two Cities. You Oliver Twist."

• Veronica Lake Expressing Frustration:

  • [14:04]: "I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happens. I've never been so humiliated in all my life."

• Lou Costello's Attempt at Flirting:

  • [15:30]: "That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. Hey, Abbott."

• Mr. Nazaro's Direction:

  • [21:30]: "I want you to walk towards her, put your arms, put that little Santa Cruz pull it for the sage and feed the sort of things."

• Final Arrest Scene:

  • Lou Costello ([27:50]): "You drive. Not me, brother."
  • Ken Niles ([27:51]): "You drive."

Conclusion and Arrest ([27:29] - End)

The episode culminates in a chaotic arrest scene where Officer O' Houlihan (Ken Niles) attempts to arrest Lou Costello for the earlier car accident. The malfunctioning patrol wagon leads to a comedic showdown where Costello and Abbott evade capture through humorous dialogue and slapstick antics.

• Lou Costello ([27:50]): "You drive. Not me, brother."
• Ken Niles ([27:51]): "You drive."

The episode wraps up with a promotional segment for upcoming shows and Camel cigarettes, staying true to the original radio show's format of blending content with advertisements.

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Insights and Themes

• Classic Comedy Dynamics: The interplay between Abbott's straight-man persona and Costello's bumbling character remains a focal point, showcasing their timeless chemistry.

• Slapstick and Wordplay: The episode effectively balances physical comedy with clever dialogue, a hallmark of their successful routines.

• Star Power: Featuring Veronica Lake adds an element of Hollywood glamour, bridging the gap between radio and film, and highlighting the cross-media promotions typical of the era.

• Humorous Misadventures: The storyline thrives on a series of escalating misunderstandings and coincidences, driving the narrative forward with continuous comedic momentum.

Conclusion

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" masterfully encapsulates the essence of Abbott & Costello's comedic brilliance, intertwined with the allure of Hollywood's Golden Age. Through a blend of slapstick humor, witty exchanges, and engaging characters like Veronica Lake, the episode offers listeners a nostalgic and entertaining journey. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to their antics, this summary captures the key moments and charm that make Abbott & Costello timeless icons of radio comedy.

Transcript

[Lou Costello]

C A M E L F the.

[Bud Abbott]

Avedon Costello Program brought to you by Camels. The cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Han. Billy Gray as Little Matilda. Ms. Nazaro. Tonight's guest, the lovely Paramount star, Ms. Veronica Lake. And starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, there you are, Costello. Late again. You know we have to go to Palm Springs.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Ken Niles]

Did you borrow Mrs. Nile's car?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but I had a terrible accident.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Habit.

[Lou Costello]

I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Mrs. Niles won't like it.

[Ken Niles]

Well, we can do that when we come back from Palm Springs.

[Lou Costello]

No, I gotta turn the car over now. Mrs. Niles is gonna be mad.

[Ken Niles]

I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles.

[Lou Costello]

Where is she? She's under the car.

[Ken Niles]

What? She's under the car? Yeah. Is she in a coma?

[Lou Costello]

No, she's an evening guy.

[Ken Niles]

No. No. Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car up.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us.

[Ken Niles]

Well, fine.

[Lou Costello]

Where is he? He's under the car too.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, my goodness. For goodness sakes, how did this accident happen?

[Lou Costello]

I bumped into another car, Rabbit. And boy, was that driver mad at me. He said for two cents I'd punch you right in the nose.

[Ken Niles]

Then what happened?

[Lou Costello]

He ran up a bill of $8.

[Ken Niles]

You were very silly to argue with a driver. Why didn't you call a policeman?

[Lou Costello]

I didn't have to. I hit one.

[Ken Niles]

What?

[Lou Costello]

I hit a policeman.

[Ken Niles]

You hit a policeman in uniform?

[Lou Costello]

No, I hit him right in the nose.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, this is. This is liable to spoil our whole trip to Palm Spring. Did the cop recognize you? Yeah. Could he swear to you?

[Lou Costello]

Could he swear to me?

[Ken Niles]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lou Costello]

And I swear right back down here. That's what I thought I said. You David Copperfield, you Tale of Two Cities. You Oliver Twist.

[Ken Niles]

Wait a minute. What did you say that for?

[Lou Costello]

I was giving him the dickens. Oh.

[Ken Niles]

This is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman.

[Lou Costello]

Where is he? He's under the car too. Oh, my goodness.

[Ken Niles]

What are they all doing under the car?

[Lou Costello]

Have you looked for an apartment lately?

[Ken Niles]

I love it.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute.

[Ken Niles]

Here comes Mr. And Mrs. Niles. That a beat at Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, you don't, you fat headed, flabby, car flipping fool. Do you realize you left me out there under the car, holding up the rumble seat. What a lion. Holding up the rumble Sheet. I could spoil the whole network right here. But I won't. Don't stand there like an idiot. What have you got to say? Good morning, Mrs. Niles. Don't Good morning, me. Good night, Mrs. Niles. That day went fast, didn't it?

[Ken Niles]

Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of that car?

[Lou Costello]

Isn't that where they always keep the crank?

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, you worm. Don't try to wiggle out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. I'm a mess.

[Lou Costello]

Without looking at your suit, you're a mess.

[Bud Abbott]

But look at the spots all over my suit.

[Lou Costello]

All right, throw the suit away and wear the spots. Fellow, I'm headed up. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages.

[Ken Niles]

Damages? But, Mrs. No, that's mine.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, ma' am.

[Ken Niles]

Damages. But, Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt?

[Lou Costello]

Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice it. Oh, come, Kenneth. Come on, Abbott. Think fast. Think very fast. I gotta get out of here before they come back with a cop.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, you can cause more trouble. We're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, I hope she will.

[Ken Niles]

She will. Now you wrecked the car. We've got to. We're going to use. What are we going to do? I have it. Well, we'll have to rent a car.

[Lou Costello]

You mean because I wrecked the car, we got to rent another car?

[Ken Niles]

Yes, we'll have to rent it.

[Lou Costello]

Okay.

[Ken Niles]

Where can we get one? You drive.

[Lou Costello]

I beg your pardon?

[Ken Niles]

You drive.

[Lou Costello]

Me drive?

[Ken Niles]

No, you drive.

[Lou Costello]

I said I drive.

[Ken Niles]

No, you don't drive it. I drive it.

[Lou Costello]

Drive. What a.

[Ken Niles]

You drive.

[Lou Costello]

Why should I drive when you want to drive?

[Ken Niles]

Now I am going to drive. Look, Costella, I'm renting a U. Drive and I drive it.

[Lou Costello]

Then we both drive it.

[Ken Niles]

No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive. Although it's a. You drive.

[Lou Costello]

When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive. Because me don't lie. Now you've got it. Now I've got it.

[Ken Niles]

Now you've got it.

[Lou Costello]

I don't even know what I'm talking about. Hey, Abba, take it easy. Don't try to get me mixed up.

[Ken Niles]

Go ahead.

[Lou Costello]

Now, look. You go to a place and you rent a car.

[Ken Niles]

Yes, you.

[Lou Costello]

Not me. You are driving the car?

[Ken Niles]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Where am I sitting?

[Ken Niles]

You Are sitting right next to me.

[Lou Costello]

Is there a steering wheel in front of me?

[Ken Niles]

No.

[Lou Costello]

And you're positive that I am not driving?

[Ken Niles]

I'm positive.

[Lou Costello]

And you are driving the car?

[Ken Niles]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

All right. What kind of a car are you driving?

[Ken Niles]

You drive.

[Lou Costello]

All I can say is somebody better be driving through that. No, no, no, no, no.

[Ken Niles]

Look, Costello, I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car right.

[Lou Costello]

Now, where are we going to get it? You drive company Now I drive company I thought we were going to Palm Springs alone.

[Ken Niles]

You don't understand. It hurts. You drive.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if it hurts, you drive.

[Ken Niles]

That's right.

[Lou Costello]

That's right. This thing is getting worse.

[Ken Niles]

No, no. Don't you see? The head of the company's hurts.

[Lou Costello]

That's too bad. What hurts him?

[Ken Niles]

Nothing. Nothing hurts him. Look, every company has to have a head. Naturally, this company's heads hurts.

[Lou Costello]

Then let him take a nas.

[Ken Niles]

Listen, Costello, please listen to me. It's hurts. You drive all over the country.

[Lou Costello]

If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive to Palm Spring and get hurt?

[Ken Niles]

You don't get hurt. It's Hertz company.

[Lou Costello]

Hertz company I don't want to hurt nobody.

[Ken Niles]

Look, will you listen to me? The man's name is Hertz. He rents cars. You drive. It's you drive all over the country.

[Lou Costello]

Not with that opa brother.

[Ken Niles]

Now what are you talking about?

[Lou Costello]

What do you mean, what am I talking about? I mean, after all, that's why I can't go opa.

[Ken Niles]

What do you mean, opa?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I only got a puny a cart.

[Ken Niles]

I'll get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

A German torpedo boat streaks toward an allied convoy in the Mediterranean. Suddenly, from an American freighter bursts the chatter of rapid fire cannon. The E boat quivers, bursts into flame. And a navy gun crew has saved another shipload of supplies. They've got what it takes, these navy gunners. And so has their cigarette Camels. First with men in all the services, according to actual sales records. Wherever they are, from Iceland to the Gilbert Islands, their Camel cigarettes will be fresh when they reach them. Cool, smoking and slow burning. Because Camels are packed to go around the world, more Camel cigarettes overseas may mean less in your store. So be patient. If you can't buy Camels today, try tomorrow. Remember, when you get Camels, you always get more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. Because Camel's tobacco standard is the same for soldier, for civilian anywhere in the world. C A M E L S Camel cigarettes, they stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Freddie Ricch plays the ever popular dancing in the D.

[Ken Niles]

Well, Costella, here we are at the swanky Lone Palm Hotel. Right out here in the middle of the desert.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't like the desert. It's full of insects.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, not at this time of the year.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but where do all the little bugs go in the wintertime?

[Ken Niles]

Search me.

[Lou Costello]

No thanks. I just wanted to find out. Oh, now listen.

[Ken Niles]

Please stop that. Come on, let's get a roll.

[Lou Costello]

Okay.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, clerk. Clerk.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, jerk. Jerk. Just a moment please. This is a very high class hotel, I'll have you understand. I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration.

[Ken Niles]

Pastela, will you please act like a gentleman?

[Lou Costello]

Okay, kid.

[Ken Niles]

Clerk, we'd like a room.

[Lou Costello]

Very well. Do you want a room with a bath? What do you think I want to do? Follow the arrow.

[Ken Niles]

Listen, Clark, we're going to make a very important picture. Please, Costello, will you listen to me? Mr. Clark, we're going to make a very important picture. And we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady.

[Lou Costello]

Oh yes.

[Mr. Nazaro]

She's stopping here.

[Lou Costello]

Every time I see Veronica Lake I want to kiss her. My mind says no and my heart says yes. What do you hear from your liver? Well, Mr. Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you your sweet. My what? Your sweet. Your sweet. You're cute too. Oh, come on, clerk. Now what about the room? All right, Mr. Costello, I have a lovely room for you on the 10th floor. Here's the key. 1006.

[Ken Niles]

Now get going.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. Hey clerk, I'd like to leave a call for 12 o' clock. Sorry, we're all out of 12 o' clock calls. Then call me twice at six.

[Ken Niles]

Now listen, Costello, please will you take that key and get up to the 10th floor and into your room.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. See you later, Robert.

[Bud Abbott]

All right.

[Lou Costello]

Hello?

[Ken Niles]

Okay. Now listen, Clark, I want to meet Veronica Lake right away. Because you see every 10th floor. 10th floor. Wait a minute. There's only one floor in this hotel you haven't got. 10th floor.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, good heavens, man, you're right. This is serious. Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no 10th floor. Come right down.

[Ken Niles]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Costello.

[Ken Niles]

Costello, speak to me.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, are you all right? What can I do for you? Send the boy up from my bags, will you? Hey, come on now, Abbott. Now let's get out of this place. Now. Now. I've never been so humidity in all my life.

[Ken Niles]

Humidity?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, he humidity. Me, humidity.

[Ken Niles]

Humidity means hum. Damn.

[Lou Costello]

Then let's get out of this damp hotel.

[Ken Niles]

You can't check out. You just checked in.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, it's a gypsy and me.

[Ken Niles]

No, never mind. Shut up. You can't leave here now. We've got to see Veronica Lake.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, but if I stay, I want a room right close to hers.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Well, that's easily arranged.

[Lou Costello]

Miss Lake is in 104, and I'll put you in 105. Ain't you got nothing closer?

[Ken Niles]

Yeah. Now, look, look. Never mind. Please. Grab the bags and let's get to our room. It's right over there. Now, here's the key. Open the door.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, look who's in our room.

[Little Matilda]

And I'm only three and a half years old.

[Ken Niles]

Matilda, how did you get to Palm Springs? Did you come down here on the greyhound?

[Little Matilda]

No, the greyhound was full. I came down on a Peking eve. Uncle Louie. I got a job here in Mr. King Charney's lone Palm Hotel.

[Lou Costello]

What's your job, Matilda?

[Little Matilda]

I'm chambermaid. I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall.

[Lou Costello]

Lace curtains around all the mice holes. Why do you do that?

[Little Matilda]

That attracts a higher class.

[Lou Costello]

Mice. Aw, come on now. Get out of here.

[Ken Niles]

Now, listen, Castelloi.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, that's Matilda knocking on the door again. Just to bother me, I'm gonna put her over my knee and paddle her. All right, you ask for it.

[Veronica Lake]

I beg your pardon.

[Lou Costello]

I thought you was only three and a half years old.

[Ken Niles]

Costello. It's Veronica Lake.

[Veronica Lake]

See here, Costello. I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me, and this happens. I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

[Lou Costello]

You see, Abbott, she said the same word, that humiliated. She teaches a damp hotel, too.

[Veronica Lake]

Dampness has nothing to do with it. I said humiliate. Conjugated from the Latin humilius, humilia, humilium. I humiliate. She humiliates. They humiliate. Now, do you understand?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma' am. Everybody in the joiner's damp.

[Ken Niles]

Will you stop that and pay attention to Miss Lake?

[Veronica Lake]

Yes, Costello. I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee.

[Lou Costello]

Your whose knee? Mater.

[Veronica Lake]

Mater means mother and Peter means father. Where are your mater and Peter?

[Lou Costello]

They went to the theater with my Brader and SATA. I mean, after all.

[Ken Niles]

I mean. Look, Veronica. Never mind.

[Lou Costello]

I make up all my own.

[Ken Niles]

Will you keep quiet? Lou, please, pay no attention to Veronica. The fact is, we came down here to see you about being the leading lady in our next picture.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I think that's impossible because I'm down Here.

[Ken Niles]

Slake's line, please.

[Veronica Lake]

Thank you. Martin. I'm down here making a picture of my own. My director's waiting for me now out on the desert.

[Lou Costello]

I'd like to go with you. How do you get out there?

[Veronica Lake]

On a jackass. Did you ever ride a jackass?

[Lou Costello]

No.

[Veronica Lake]

Then you'd better get on to yourself.

[Lou Costello]

That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, ain't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. Hey, Abbott.

[Ken Niles]

Now what do you want?

[Lou Costello]

Did you ever ride a jackass?

[Ken Niles]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Then hop on my back. Get off.

[Johnny Haynes]

Get off.

[Bud Abbott]

Johnny Haynes sings the lovely new ballad My Heart Tells Me.

[Johnny Haynes]

My heart tells me this is just the flame yet you say I love means everything do you mean what you.

[Lou Costello]

Are saying.

[Johnny Haynes]

Or is this a little game you're playing? My heart tells me I will cry again Lips that kiss like your could lie again if I'm fool enough to see this through Will I be so sorry if I do? Should I believe my heart?

[Lou Costello]

Are you?

[Johnny Haynes]

My heart tells me I will cry.

[Lou Costello]

Again.

[Johnny Haynes]

Lips that kiss like yours could lie again if I'm full enough to see this through Will I be sorry if I do? Should I believe my heart for.

[Lou Costello]

You?

[Bud Abbott]

Maybe you're one of the many people who've tried a Camel cigarette or two like them but just never got around to smoking them steadily. If you are, let me tell you the difference between smoking just one Camel cigarette and smoking a pack or two. You see, Camels do have more flavor, the result of our expert blending of costlier tobaccos. More flavor is what helps Camels to hold up keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. When you're on your second pack of Camel cigarettes make a careful checkup in your T zone, T for taste and throat and be your own judge of Camel cigarettes. Rich, extra flavor and smooth, extra mildness. And remember, your Camel cigarettes will stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning anywhere because they're packed to go around the world. C A M E L F. Camel cigarettes. They're first in the service. They've got what it takes.

[Ken Niles]

Here we are, Lou. Here we are on the desert. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

All right, come on now, you had enough. Get off my back.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, pardon me. You know, Costello, you really did give me a good ride.

[Lou Costello]

That's right, pal. I did. Tonight. Mm. Come on, what are you trying to tie me up to the hitching post for? Hey, quiet, you guys.

[Ken Niles]

We're shooting a picture. Get that camera over here. All right, you extras, line up on the right. Hey, Joe, bring that dummy over here.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, put me down. Put me down.

[Ken Niles]

Hey, Costello, look at those beautiful extra girls over there. Now, as long as we're here, what are you saying? We date up a couple for tonight?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, not after last night, my friend.

[Ken Niles]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

We had a couple of girls last night.

[Ken Niles]

Well, so?

[Lou Costello]

All right, you had the best looking one, so why yours had teeth.

[Ken Niles]

Now, wait a minute, please. Never mind that. Yours had teeth too.

[Lou Costello]

I said. She did. Yeah, mine had so much bridge work every time I kissed her I had a pay toll.

[Ken Niles]

All right, never mind that.

[Lou Costello]

I mean, after all, there's a. Come on. And another thing, Abbott, why, we're down here for business. Look at girls. We've got to get Veronica Lake in our picture.

[Ken Niles]

All right, there's a dressing room over there. I'll knock on the door.

[Veronica Lake]

Oh, it's you boys again. I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't appear in your picture.

[Ken Niles]

But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake. We've had a lot of experience in the theater. I was in Tobacco Road.

[Veronica Lake]

What did you do, empty the ashtrays?

[Lou Costello]

Boy, she sure told you, Abbott.

[Veronica Lake]

Just a minute, Costello, where did you ever act?

[Lou Costello]

Where did I ever act? I played in the Way of All Flesh.

[Veronica Lake]

What part did you play?

[Lou Costello]

I was one of the meatballs.

[Veronica Lake]

I didn't recognize you in that.

[Lou Costello]

You didn't recognize me, eh? Well, I was wearing a spaghetti toupee.

[Veronica Lake]

Well, that's the first time you ever used your noodle.

[Ken Niles]

Well, I guess it's no use, Costella. Veronica will only make a picture with Glamour Ball.

[Lou Costello]

I'm a glamour boy. Just the other night, Hetty Lamar told me I was her idea of a lover. Then her husband walked in.

[Ken Niles]

Then what happened?

[Lou Costello]

Her idea was carried out.

[Veronica Lake]

I'll tell you what I'll do, Fellows, we're just about to shoot a scene from my picture.

[Lou Costello]

That scene is shot now. What about the next one?

[Mr. Nazaro]

Veronica, we're already on the set.

[Veronica Lake]

Oh, here comes my director. Oh, Cliff, I want you to meet Mr. Costello. Mr. Nazaro. Mr. Costello, Mr. Abbott. Mr. Nazaro, Mr. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Tell him.

[Veronica Lake]

Mr. Abbott, it's getting kind of crowded.

[Lou Costello]

Let's get some more chairs, will you? He's this. Quiet.

[Veronica Lake]

Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture?

[Mr. Nazaro]

Yes, I think so. I. I need a lover and a stuntman.

[Ken Niles]

I'm a lover.

[Lou Costello]

I'm stunted. Now, wait a minute, Abbott.

[Ken Niles]

You're no lover. Now, what do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah, the women who notice you are too old to sit up.

[Veronica Lake]

Cliff, we're wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys?

[Mr. Nazaro]

All right. Now boys, this is a very simple scene. The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace. Costello, you come into the room and I want you to walk over to Racery, lift up the Catherine, pull in your sailor briefs and port arrive to cataract to sacrament.

[Lou Costello]

How can Abbott do that to me?

[Mr. Nazaro]

You don't stand for it. You grab Veronica in your arms and you say Veronica. I'm the Lord's surveillance, by the way. And every time that I pull you seat a little crate of Race.

[Lou Costello]

I.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Want you to kill the free so not the polar vice. For all the times that I sampled hip and penny Porter celebrated with Piper table. Did you get it?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. I mean you, you. You didn't say it.

[Ken Niles]

Why don't you pay attention? He's the right thing.

[Veronica Lake]

You, Lou Costello, I want you to know that you can't insult my director.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Absolutely not. After all I just told you. I want you to go over to Veronica, pick up the Santa Frase, not the little cats in the hope of some other balls. I want you to walk towards her, put your arms, put that little Santa Cruz pull it for the sage and feed the sort of things. And I know what I'm saying.

[Lou Costello]

You and nobody else.

[Veronica Lake]

There you go again, insulting him. I can't understand you.

[Lou Costello]

You can't understand me? Listen to him.

[Ken Niles]

What's the matter with you, Costello? Can't you take direction? Mr. Nazaro is a famous director.

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Mr. Nazaro]

You mean. You mean to tell me you never saw Gorn with the Salmadroons.

[Lou Costello]

Or For.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Whom the bells told the sandwich? Get a pent up.

[Lou Costello]

I never saw them. But I saw Guadalcanal de dip.

[Mr. Nazaro]

You mean Guadalcanal dipped.

[Lou Costello]

Dipped. I saw it twice.

[Ken Niles]

Will you stop that, please?

[Veronica Lake]

Let's get back to the scene. Cliff, Mr. Costello was just about to make love to me.

[Mr. Nazaro]

All right, Veronica. Now Costello, listen once more. You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her. I want you to give me that depth of assorted race when they pay. So I want you to go over there and bring out the cast and bring out the salad force of the times when you love not Carrick, Brad and those other actors. Race, I want you to sell a forbearance gallery. Don't you agree with me?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but what about the children?

[Ken Niles]

Ah, listen, he didn't mention any children.

[Lou Costello]

But he could have.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Now listen, Veronica, I've got a reputation and I don't have to stand for this because if I have to stand, listen to these fellas come and tell me that I've directed farmeries. I've made cantrines, faltrons, embossella trays, crock pots and amorator parts of the picture. And I'm ordering to sell it. And I'll do it too.

[Veronica Lake]

And he means every word of it.

[Mr. Nazaro]

Uh, look folks, I. I realize I lost my head and there's just a thing I'd like. There's just one more thing I'd like to say before I go scan a Flannis center for the summer tenement.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, I'm glad he said that because he's a nice fellow.

[Veronica Lake]

Yes, he certainly is. Costello. Just think after the way you treated him, he was big enough to walk back and say scada flanis and out of stenison.

[Lou Costello]

And that means a lot.

[Ken Niles]

Yes, Lou, what have you got to say?

[Lou Costello]

I mean after all, what can I say after the fellow was big enough to come back and say skinnisana felicin.

[Veronica Lake]

Lou, if you hadn't been so frantic when he came into thralling and clivisate he wouldn't have been so pellucid.

[Lou Costello]

Pellucid. That's the one thing I didn't do to him. Palustide. I mean, what does he want from me?

[Veronica Lake]

What does he want from you? Why at this very moment he might be outside Gilf ending.

[Lou Costello]

No, not Gil fending.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, come on, we haven't got a minute to lose.

[Ken Niles]

Where are we going?

[Lou Costello]

We're going outside. And Gilfend winner.

[Ken Niles]

Get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just.

[H]

Thanks to the Yanks of the week. Tonight we salute cavalry lieutenant David C. Weber of Piedmont California who has been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for extraordinary heroism in Sicily. Trapped with a small patrol between a blown out bridge and four enemy tanks, he ordered his men armed only with machine guns to fire when their ammunition was exhausted. He told his men to seek cover and jump directly in the path of the tanks firing atomic gun at point blank range. Killing the entire crew of the leading tank and enabling his men to hold out until reinforcements came in. Your honor Lieutenant David Weber. The makers of Camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Bud Abbott]

Each of the four Camel shows honors. A yank of the week sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week in this country. The traveling camel caravans have thanked nearly three and a half million Yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen. Friday night to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Saturday night to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. Monday night to Blondie. And of course, Thursday night it's Abbott and Costello with their guests, Arthur Treacher. And now, here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Ken Niles]

Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, I'm certainly glad to be away from the Lone Palms Hotel in Palm Springs and all that trouble. That's right, Abbott and I.

[Lou Costello]

Come in, Costello.

[Ken Niles]

I'm Officer O' Houlihan. You're under arrest for causing personal damage to Mrs. Niles and to her car. I'm taking you to the station house.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah? Where's your patrol wagon?

[Ken Niles]

The patrol wagon broke down.

[Lou Costello]

Then how are we going?

[H]

You drive.

[Lou Costello]

You drive. Not me, brother. Oh. Resisting officer, eh? Take that. Now what have you got to say? It hurts. That's what I've been trying to tell you all day. Tell me what hurts.

[Ken Niles]

You drive.

[Johnny Haynes]

All right, I'll drive.

[Bud Abbott]

Tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show with our guest, Arthur Treacher. And remember, Camel cigarettes are first in the service. They've got what it takes. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Veronica Lake will soon be seen in the Paramount picture, Hour before the Dawn. This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.

[I]

More pipes smoke Prince Albert. Find out for yourself why Pa's got so much pipe appeal. Why? More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Just open up a big red 2 ounce package of Prince Albert and light up a pipe full. See how fragrant, how mild and sweet smoking it is. Notice how easy and comfortable Prince Albert is on your tongue because it's no bite treated. See how well Prince Albert packs and burns and draws because it's crimp cut.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[I]

Get a package and you'll find out why. More pipes smoke Prince Albert. It's the National Joy smoke. This is the National Broadcasting Company, KFI Los Angeles.