Abbott & Costello 43-12-16 (043) The Wild West with Lynn Bari

Summary

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Abbott & Costello 43-12-16 (043) – "The Wild West" with Lynn Bari

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date Aired: January 4, 2026 (Original Show: December 16, 1943)
Guest Star: Lynn Bari
Summary by: Harold’s Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

In this classic episode, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello bring their signature slapstick to the Old West, joined by guest star Lynn Bari, celebrated actress of 20th Century Fox. The show follows Costello's frantic attempts to prepare for an on-air love scene with Bari, gets sidetracked by Butcher Meyer’s crisis, and culminates in a wild, pun-filled Western radio play. The episode is packed with witty banter, vaudevillian one-liners, and pokes fun at Hollywood Westerns, all while playfully subverting romantic tropes.

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Key Discussion Points and Comedy Segments

1. Costello Prepares to Woo Lynn Bari (00:52–02:59)

• Costello is excited to meet Lynn Bari and is desperate to look his best, describing an outlandishly colorful suit:
  • "The coat is red with green stripes. It's got pink lapels and orange buttons." (00:26 – Lou Costello)
• Abbott mocks Costello’s sense of style and suggests he borrow one of Abbott’s suits, but these turn out to be equally problematic, rife with moth holes and questionable stains.
• Classic one-liners around clothing:
  • "Yellow pants? They clash with my purple shoes." (01:39 – Lou Costello)
  • "I can't. Why not? My red underwear won't match my lavender vest." (01:55 – Costello & Abbott)

2. Supporting Characters and Running Gags (03:53–06:15)

• Arrival of Mrs. Niles leads to a volley of good-natured insults about her long neck and aristocratic lineage:
  • "Last time I saw a neck like that, a jockey was bending over it from iron, shouting." (04:11 – Costello)
  • Mrs. Niles retorts about Costello's weight: "I saw you fall down yesterday and you rocked yourself to sleep trying to get up." (04:43)
• The Butcher Meyer seeks Costello’s help, drawing Costello away from his upcoming love scene with Lynn Bari.

3. Meyer’s Butcher Shop Antics (08:36–11:32)

• Abbott and Costello fill in at the butcher shop, resulting in farcical confusion:
  • "Me dress the chickens? Why should I? They’re all enough to dress themselves." (08:45 – Costello)
  • Mistaken instructions about ducks in the icebox and Costello’s refusal to "duck."
• Running gags with Meyer:
  • “Mrs. Jones sent back the Christmas turkey you sold her. She says it only has one leg.” (09:30 – Costello)
  • “What does she want to do, eat it or dance with it?” (09:35 – Meyer)

4. Meeting Lynn Bari at the Butcher Shop (11:49–13:29)

• Lynn Bari arrives, bemused at the chaotic setting:
  • "Where else would I look for a fat meatball?" (12:12 – Lynn Bari)
• Costello and Bari riff on butcher-themed takes of classic plays and films:
  • "Did you ever hear of Hamlet, the Merchant of Venison?... Guadalcanal Dairy. Boy, did I milk that one." (12:22–12:45 – Costello)

5. The Art of Wooing—with a 1940s Hollywood Spin (13:56–14:36)

• Abbott lays out the elaborate steps needed to court a star like Lynn Bari: Roll out a Rolls Royce, buy orchids, fancy dinners, theater, and nightclubs – an escalating list of expenses.
• Costello’s punchline:
  • "Stop the car. What for? I want to stop at the finance company and make a loan." (14:23 – Costello)

6. The Wild West Radio Play (17:41–24:06)

• Parody Western Play: ‘Saga of the Adventurous West—The Life of Buffalo Bill’
  • Cast: Buffalo Bill Costello, Buckskin Abbott, Chief Flatfoot, and Lynn Bari as a Western gal ‘Cross Eyes.’
• Highlights of the Play:
  • Slapstick and puns about the West, including dud ranches and no women (“No, I said ‘dud’—no women.” 18:49)
  • Parody “Indian” dialogue from Chief Flatfoot and Costello’s nonsense “Indian speak”:
    • "How moolah, Gullah, pala mula. ... Something went wrong with my typewriter." (20:38–20:48 – Costello)
  • Costello’s marriage proposal and a wild twist:
    • "I've taken care of that, Cross-eyed. I married your mother, so now I'm your father. So listen, daughter, you have my consent to marry me as soon as I can get a divorce from your old lady, your mother." (22:52–23:04 – Costello)

7. The Surprise “Crisis” Resolution (23:21–24:06)

• Meyer returns hilariously after his wife’s crisis:
  • "Girls with white uniforms are rushing in and out…everything fine. Wonderful. Sophie is resting...The most beautiful permanent wave you ever saw." (23:32–23:54 – Meyer)

8. The Play’s Abrupt Ending and Curtain Call (26:57–27:29)

• Lynn Bari asks for the play's real ending:
  • "Oh, it was a terrific finish. I'm standing on a hill all alone. 10,000 blood curdling Indians are coming at me."
  • As numbers dwindle, Costello reveals: "So I killed the old squaw power and squad. Let me out of here. Let us all out of here. Good night, folks." (27:14–27:20)
• Mrs. Niles closes with a loving shout-out:
  "Good night, neighbors. Good night to everybody in Patterson, New Jersey. Good night, Uncle Marty." (27:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Yeah, but who wants to park in the dark with a shark?" – Lou Costello (01:12)
• “Yellow pants? They clash with my purple shoes.” – Lou Costello (01:39)
• "Me dress the chickens? Why should I? They're all enough to dress themselves." – Lou Costello (08:45)
• "Where else would I look for a fat meatball?" – Lynn Bari (12:12)
• "Did you ever hear of Hamlet, the Merchant of Venison?...Guadalcanal Dairy. Boy, did I milk that one." – Lou Costello (12:22–12:45)
• "You don't want a leading man. You want a street cleaner." – Lou Costello (13:36)
• "Stop the car. What for? I want to stop at the finance company and make a loan." – Lou Costello (14:23)
• "Oh, F Squad. I used to hunt bar down there every year." – Lou Costello (18:29)
• "I've taken care of that, Cross-eyed. I married your mother, so now I'm your father...as soon as I can get a divorce from your old lady, your mother." – Lou Costello (22:52)
• "The most beautiful permanent wave you ever saw." – Meyer, after all the tension about his wife's "crisis" (23:54)
• "Let me out of here. Let us all out of here. Good night, folks." – Lou Costello (27:20)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:52–03:53 – Costello’s suit dilemma and clothing silliness
• 04:11–04:43 – Insult battle between Costello and Mrs. Niles
• 08:36–09:54 – Butcher shop routines and phone gags with Meyer
• 11:49–12:12 – Lynn Bari arrives; "finds" Costello at butcher shop
• 13:56–14:36 – “How to court Lynn Bari” and Costello’s financial punchline
• 17:41–24:06 – The Sagebrush Saga: Buffalo Bill play segment with wild West tropes
• 23:32–23:54 – Meyer's Big News: the “permanent wave”
• 27:04–27:29 – Bari asks for the play’s ending; Costello delivers the final gag

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Episode Tone and Style

This episode typifies Abbott and Costello’s classic wordplay, quick-fire insult comedy, and irreverent treatment of genre conventions. It pokes gentle fun at 1940s Hollywood, radio traditions, and Western clichés. The pace is brisk, with banter dominating each scene, and the cast frequently breaks the fourth wall.

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For classic radio fans or newcomers alike, this episode captures the vintage charm and madcap laughter of Golden Age comedy, wrapped in a Western spoof and lightened by sparkling guest interplay with Lynn Bari.

Transcript

[Chief Flatfoot]

Sleep A M E L F the.

[Announcer]

Abbott and Costello program. Brought to you by Campbell's. The cigarette that's first in the service. Campbell's stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Hayes. Tonight's special guest star of the 20th Century Fox picture, Tan Pico, Ms. Lynn Barry.

[Meyer]

And starring Bud Abbott and Lou Cost.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What's the matter? Hey, Abbott, come on, come on, help me get dressed, please. I gotta get to the broadcast right away.

[Bud Abbott]

Take it easy. There's lots of time. What's the excitement?

[Lou Costello]

Excitement? Tonight we're having Lynn Barry as our guest star. And I'm gonna make love to her. Boy, oh, boy.

[Unidentified Male]

All right.

[Lou Costello]

If I'm late, she might walk out of me. So what?

[Bud Abbott]

Let her walk out. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but who wants to park in the dark with a shark?

[Unidentified Male]

Aw, never mind.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, get your clothes on and let's go.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, now, kid. Hey, this nabbit. I'm waiting for my new suit. Boy, it's gonna be beautiful. It is the most gorgeous suit you ever saw.

[Announcer]

Is that right?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. The coat is red with green stripes. It's got pink lapels and orange buttons.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. A red coat with green stripes, pink lapels and orange buttons?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

I suppose you're going to wear yellow pants.

[Lou Costello]

What? And have people stare at me? What do you think I am, having a dope? Yellow pants? They clash with my purple shoes.

[Bud Abbott]

The purple shoes, Charlie.

[Lou Costello]

I never heard of such a thing. Yellow pants.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right. Drop the pants.

[Lou Costello]

I can't. Why not? My red underwear won't match my lavender vest. They are. Now.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't let you meet Lynn Barry in clothes like that. You'd better wear one of my suits. Here, I'll lend you my dress suit.

[Lou Costello]

That old thing? It's full of moth holes.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, there isn't a single moth in that suit.

[Lou Costello]

You said it. They're all married and got children.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute, just a minute. We don't have any moths in our clothes closet no more.

[Lou Costello]

Say, just open that closet door and see.

[Bud Abbott]

Okay, I will.

[Lou Costello]

No more. See?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, so there's one.

[Lou Costello]

One. That was the mother. Here comes the children. That last one was just hatched. That's a brand new baby moth.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, forget about the moth, see? Look, I'll lend you one of my other suits.

[Lou Costello]

Now, let's see.

[Bud Abbott]

There's the worsted a Plaid, a tweed. And that dark one is a twill.

[Lou Costello]

A twill?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly. Didn't you ever have a twill?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure. I get a big twill when I ride on the wall of Twilst.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, nah, don't be silly.

[Lou Costello]

An awful twilly.

[Bud Abbott]

Here's just the suit for you. It belongs to my father. It's his dinner suit.

[Lou Costello]

There's a little breakfast on it, too. No, no, no, no, no, you dummy.

[Bud Abbott]

This is his soup and fish.

[Lou Costello]

It looks like egg to me.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Koslo, when you lived at home, didn't your family dress for dinner?

[Lou Costello]

Why, certainly we dress. What do you think we did? Come to the table in our underwear?

[Bud Abbott]

Look, what's the matter with you? Didn't you ever wear dinner clothes?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, I always wear pajamas.

[Bud Abbott]

Pajamas are not dinner clothes.

[Lou Costello]

They are if you eat in bed.

[Bud Abbott]

That isn't what I mean. You see, as long as I can remember, the men in our family have always worn their tails to dinner.

[Lou Costello]

That's a very pretty picture.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, it is. Where I come from, a man with tails is called a gentleman.

[Lou Costello]

Where I come from, we call a monkey. I mean, after all, that's what they call them.

[Bud Abbott]

Come in. Oh, it's Ken.

[Lou Costello]

I'll say.

[Bud Abbott]

Ken, Costello needs a suit in a hurry. Can he borrow yours?

[Announcer]

Well, I'll have to go outside and ask a little woman.

[Lou Costello]

Little woman? Her neck alone is three feet long.

[Mrs. Niles]

I heard that remark, Costello. I'll have you know my neck is not long.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no. Last time I saw a neck like that, a jockey was bending over it from iron, shouting. You. How dare.

[Mrs. Niles]

How dare you compare me to a horse. Why, I have an aristocratic face. My grandfather was a count.

[Lou Costello]

You're right. Count Fleet.

[Mrs. Niles]

Kenneth, are you going to stand there and let Costello compare me to a horse?

[Announcer]

Nay, nay.

[Lou Costello]

That was a very snappy part.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, with your appearance, you're a fine one to talk about, Mrs. Niles.

[Unidentified Male]

Certainly.

[Mrs. Niles]

Just look at yourself, fat boy.

[Lou Costello]

I'm not fat.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, no. I saw you fall down yesterday and you rocked yourself to sleep trying to get up.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, now, now, look, let's. This fighting. Look, Mrs. Niles, Costello has to borrow a suit for the broadcast tonight. Yes, dear.

[Announcer]

May I lend him mine?

[Mrs. Niles]

Kenneth Niles, before I let you do that, I'd lock you up in the attic.

[Announcer]

But gee, dear, you just let me out.

[Lou Costello]

Come in.

[Meyer]

Hello, boys.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, it's my friend Meyer the butcher. What's going on, Meyer?

[Meyer]

Oh, boy, am I excited. What is happening to me today shouldn't happen to two Dogs. One dog couldn't handle it.

[Unidentified Male]

Why?

[Meyer]

What's the matter? It's my wife.

[Unidentified Male]

Wife? Sophie.

[Meyer]

After 10 years, it's going to happen. Today is the day, and I got.

[Lou Costello]

To be by her side. So you gotta come over right away.

[Meyer]

Louie, and take care of my butcher shop, huh?

[Lou Costello]

Now, wait a minute, Meyer.

[Meyer]

I can't do that.

[Lou Costello]

We're gonna broadcast. I'm gonna do a love scene with Lynn Barry.

[Meyer]

But, Louie, would you rather do a love scene with Lynn Barry than mine? Mine butcher shop.

[Lou Costello]

Can a duck swim?

[Meyer]

That's a silly answer.

[Lou Costello]

You ask silly questions, you get silly answers.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, come on. We have to get to the studio.

[Unidentified Male]

Wait a minute.

[Lynn Barry]

Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

Think of my wife.

[Meyer]

Louie. You never do anything for me.

[Lou Costello]

Meyer, you shouldn't say that. Now. I do. Now, five years ago, I gave you the money to open up the butcher shop. And when you were sick, I paid for the operation. Then, when the government was gonna put you in jail, I paid your income tax.

[Mrs. Niles]

And six months ago, when your house.

[Lou Costello]

Was on fire, I ran into the burning building and saved your life. And you say I never do anything for you.

[Meyer]

Yeah, but what have you done for me?

[Announcer]

Freddie Rich plays a Cole Porter favorite. I've got you under my sk.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costella, you had to open your big mouth just because you want to help Meyer. We're stuck here in a butcher shop. But come on, we might as well get the orders out. You dress the chickens.

[Lou Costello]

Me dress the chickens? Why should I? They're all enough to dress themselves.

[Bud Abbott]

No, I'll dress the chickens. You bring me the other foul. What foul?

[Lou Costello]

That duck. Why should I duck? I'm not ashamed to help Meyer.

[Bud Abbott]

No, I mean duck. Duck in the ice box.

[Lou Costello]

Why should I duck in the ice box? You duck in the icebox. You bitch.

[Meyer]

Sissy.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, here, take it easy.

[Lou Costello]

I'm glad to help my friend Meyer and his wonderful little woman. All right. I know what they're going through. Why, only last week, a little stranger came to live at our house.

[Bud Abbott]

Really?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. My sister married a midget. Oh, come on, Costelli.

[Bud Abbott]

You're impossible.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Meyer's Butcher Shop.

[Meyer]

Hello, this is Meyer on the wire.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Meyer. How's the wife? Anything happened yet?

[Unidentified Male]

No, Louie.

[Meyer]

It's a very slow process. How's things by the shop?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, listen, Meyer. Mrs. Jones sent back the Christmas turkey you sold her. She says it only has one leg. What does she want to do, eat.

[Meyer]

It or dance with it?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, did Meyer say when he's coming back? Do you realize that Lynn Barry's probably.

[Lou Costello]

At the studio now waiting for us. Now Rabbit, this is more important. Let her wait. I got plenty of women waiting for me. 50, 60, 70.

[Bud Abbott]

50, 60, 70.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, and I wish I could find some a little younger.

[Meyer]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Now Abbott, women and beautiful women always chase me. See? I don't know why you think I. I don't know. At any minute a gorgeous girl is apt to walk in that door.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, there you are, Costello. Oh, oh, so you want to borrow my Kenneth suit, eh? So you were going to make love to Lynn Berry, eh? And now I find you in a butcher shop, eh?

[Lou Costello]

You're gonna run out of a coupons.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, for your information, Mrs. Niles is one of Myers best customers.

[Unidentified Male]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

Now take her order.

[Unidentified Male]

Huh?

[Bud Abbott]

I said take her order.

[Lou Costello]

Take her order. Where did you come in with an order? Never mind that. Where do you want me to take it?

[Bud Abbott]

Just take it.

[Lou Costello]

Somebody is lost.

[Mrs. Niles]

II Mr. Costello?

[Ken Niles]

Yes dear?

[Mrs. Niles]

I want 20 cents worth of dog meat.

[Lou Costello]

Shall I wrap it up or do you want to eat it here?

[Unidentified Male]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, oh, that's the last straw.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you see.

[Lou Costello]

Now look what you've done.

[Mrs. Niles]

I've never been so insulted in all my life. After all these years of trading with my eyes, I have to come in here and be humiliated.

[Lou Costello]

It sounds Costella.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't stand there, apologize.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. Come on Mrs. Niles, if I said anything to offend you, I'm glad of it.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I said apologize.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. Mrs. Niles, I'm sorry I suggested that you eat the dog meat here, is that better?

[Bud Abbott]

That's much better.

[Lou Costello]

Wait until you get home. Costello.

[Mrs. Niles]

No, that's all. Cancel my order.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you lost Mrs. Niles. Order. Costello, you'll have to change your slip.

[Lou Costello]

I can't have it.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean you can't change your slip?

[Lou Costello]

I'm not wearing any. Oh, oh, pardon me, where do I find Lou Costa? That ain't me, that's me.

[Lynn Barry]

Pardon me, where do I find Lou Costello?

[Lou Costello]

Here I am over by the Pickle Barrel.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well raise your hand so I'll know.

[Lou Costello]

Which one is you. Hey Abbott, who is this?

[Bud Abbott]

Fresh name, Costello. Don't you recognize her?

[Lou Costello]

Lynn Barry. Gee, Ms. Barry, how did you ever know? And how did you ever find me in this butcher shop?

[Lynn Barry]

Where else would I look for a fat meatball? See here Costello, I'm supposed to do a play on your P. Where do you expect to put it on in this butcher shop?

[Lou Costello]

And why not? Lots of plays were done about butcher shops. Did you ever hear of Hamlet, the Merchant of Venison? You Ever hear of baby's Irish roast?

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, come on, that's ridiculous. Oh, yeah?

[Lou Costello]

Ridiculous, huh? How about the story about a hog pig million?

[Lynn Barry]

That's crazy.

[Lou Costello]

Crazy, huh? They even wrote a great picture about cows.

[Bud Abbott]

What picture?

[Lou Costello]

Guadalcanal Dairy. Boy, did I milk that one.

[Lynn Barry]

Come to think of it, how about your last picture Hit the Eyes?

[Lou Costello]

There was no meat in that one.

[Lynn Barry]

I don't know. I saw two hands in it.

[Bud Abbott]

Now wait a minute, Lane. Don't pay any attention to Costello. He isn't very b R I G.

[Lynn Barry]

H T. Yes, he does appear to be rather s T u p I.

[Lou Costello]

D I heard that. What do you think I am, a D o P P?

[Lynn Barry]

Listen, Mr. Abbott, what about this play?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Lynn, it's an original play and Costello will be your leading man.

[Lynn Barry]

Costello? He could never play that part.

[Lou Costello]

Why not?

[Lynn Barry]

My leading man must be able to brush me into his arms, sweep me off my feet and carry me away.

[Lou Costello]

You don't want a leading man. You want a street cleaner.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, that's no way to talk to our guest. Can't you be nice?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, Ms. Farry. If you'll do this play with me in the butcher shop, I'll take you out after the broadcast.

[Bud Abbott]

We'll go for a drive. But, Lou, there's no more pleasure driving.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but there's still pleasure parking.

[Lynn Barry]

Who wants to park in a coop with a droop?

[Bud Abbott]

Your technique is all wrong, Costello. If you want to take out a beautiful girl like Lynn Barry, the first thing to do is hire a limousine and chauffeur a Rolls Royce.

[Lynn Barry]

Of course.

[Bud Abbott]

Then you buy me flowers, orchids, naturally. Then cocktails at the Windsor House, dinner.

[Lynn Barry]

At Romanov with caviar and champagne.

[Bud Abbott]

Then tickets for the theater. After that, you make the rounds of.

[Mrs. Niles]

The nightclub, winding up at the Trocadero.

[Bud Abbott]

Then you get into your limousine again and drive down little sheer boulevard.

[Mrs. Niles]

Stop the car.

[Lou Costello]

Stop the car. What for? I want to stop at the finance company and make a loan.

[Announcer]

Johnny Haynes sings a lovely ballad. My Ideal.

[Unidentified Male]

Will I ever find a boy in my mind the one who is my ideal maybe he's a dream and yet he might be Just around the corner way Waiting for me Will I recognize the light in his eyes that no other eyes revealed oh, will I pass him die and ever even know that he is mine? Maybe he's a dream and yet he might be Just around the corner Waiting for me Will I recognize the light in his eyes that no other eyes. Will I pass him by and never even know that he is mine I Dream.

[Announcer]

Now, Camel cigarettes do have more flavor. And if you've ever tried one, I think you'll say yes, I know. And yet you may not be a steady Camel smoker. Well, here's the difference between trying just one or two Camel cigarettes and trying a couple of packs. Camel's extra flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos is what helps them to hold up, keep from going flat, no matter how many you smoke. Give your second pack of Camel cigarettes a real test in your T zone, your taste and throat, you'll find out about flavor. And I think your throat will give you the last word on Camel.

[Ken Niles]

Smooth.

[Announcer]

Extra mildness, too. And remember, your Camels will stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Camel cigarettes. They're first in the service. They've got what it takes.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, we're all ready to do your play.

[Announcer]

What's it all about?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, it's a great story, Abbott. It's about Buffalo Bill and the Wild West. Can you play a Western gal? Ms. Barry?

[Lynn Barry]

Can I play a Western gal? Why, where I comes from, they all call me Tex.

[Lou Costello]

Where you all come from, Tex?

[Lynn Barry]

Oklahoma.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a second, Costello. Since when are you a Western character?

[Lou Costello]

Are you kidding, partner?

[Unidentified Male]

What?

[Lou Costello]

He used to call me Six Gun Costello, but I had to change it to Two Gun. Why Horse with six guns, every time I took a step, my pants fell down. Yuck, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuck. That's another character for you.

[Lynn Barry]

Well, Six Gun, I'll agree to play the part. Sounds fun squaw to me.

[Lou Costello]

What's the zip?

[Lynn Barry]

I said it sounds fun, squaw.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, F Squad. I used to hunt bar down there every year. Yo. All right, look, I don't.

[Bud Abbott]

I don't believe all this custom.

[Meyer]

Oh, yo.

[Lynn Barry]

No, no, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

You don't know anything about the West.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no. I was raised on a dud ranch.

[Bud Abbott]

You mean a dude ranch.

[Meyer]

I said dud.

[Lou Costello]

No women.

[Mrs. Niles]

Must have been near. No gals.

[Lynn Barry]

Arizona Har.

[Unidentified Male]

Car.

[Lou Costello]

Foreign squad.

[Bud Abbott]

L. This is ridiculous.

[Lou Costello]

Must be a couple of Southern. Go ahead, Ken.

[Bud Abbott]

Set the scene.

[Ken Niles]

Go ahead.

[Meyer]

And now.

[Lou Costello]

Somebody better set the scene.

[Announcer]

And now our play of the evening is Saga of the Adventurous west. The Life of Buffalo Bill. Brought to you direct from Myers Butcher Shop and starring the Abbot and Costello.

[Lynn Barry]

Pickle Pigs Feet Players.

[Announcer]

And as an extra special attraction, Meyer has goose liver at 10 cents a pound. As the scene opens, Buffalo Bill Costello and Buckskin Abbott are on the trail. Suddenly, a shot rings out.

[Lou Costello]

Hello?

[Meyer]

Hello. This is Meyer on the wire.

[Lou Costello]

Hello there, Meyer. This is Buffalo.

[Meyer]

What have I got in my store of talking buffalo?

[Lou Costello]

No, no, Mart, this is Buffalo. I'm talking from Indian Heights.

[Meyer]

Please give me my butcher shop in Boyle Hides.

[Lou Costello]

Now, Meyer, will you stop bothering me? I gotta go out and kill some Indians. What's the matter? We're running out of meat. Oh, never mind that. What's new with Sophie?

[Meyer]

It's still a very slow process.

[Lou Costello]

Look, I can't talk to you now. Meyer, call me back.

[Lynn Barry]

This is the craziest play I ever heard. When do I come in?

[Bud Abbott]

In just a second, Lynn. Costello and I are still on the trail approaching the camp of your father. Read your line, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah, Buckskin bud, it's getting dark and we're gonna run into a heap of trouble. Yes, Buffalo.

[Bud Abbott]

If we don't reach the stockade by sundown, the Indians will massacre us in the dark. They'll scalp us alive. Well, what are you gonna do?

[Lou Costello]

We gotta get word through to Gene Autry.

[Bud Abbott]

Gene Autry? Shh, shh.

[Lou Costello]

Buffalo, look.

[Bud Abbott]

Here comes an Indian chief. He's gonna speak to us.

[Lou Costello]

How moolah, Gullah, pala mula. How mila pula gunda munda, malabala.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, I didn't know you spoke Indian.

[Lou Costello]

I don't. Something went wrong with my typewriter.

[Chief Flatfoot]

Me. Me welcome you. Me Chief Flatfoot.

[Bud Abbott]

Who gave you that name? Great white father.

[Chief Flatfoot]

No. Great white draft boy.

[Lou Costello]

Chief Flatfoot. I come to marry a daughter, Moon Eyes. The one over there.

[Lynn Barry]

Moon Eyes could not come. I am her sister, Cross Eyes. Me glad to meet you. Greetings, white fish.

[Lou Costello]

Not Fish Face.

[Lynn Barry]

Greetings, Fish Face.

[Bud Abbott]

I don't think she. I don't think she likes you, Buffalo. Now, let me handle this.

[Lou Costello]

Look here, Cross Eyes. I wants to marry you. Now, what do you say, Gal?

[Lynn Barry]

No marry you. Me marry the Bicarbonate Kid.

[Lou Costello]

The Bicarbonate Kid?

[Lynn Barry]

Yes. Wild Bill Hiccup.

[Lou Costello]

I used to know him as Hopalong Acidity.

[Chief Flatfoot]

Then everything is settled. White man, you go.

[Lou Costello]

What's that? I've been an Indian scout for nyah under 20 years. And you're the most despicable, obnoxious, incorrigible renegade that I've ever encountered. Them's hard words, Buffalo.

[Bud Abbott]

Hard words.

[Lou Costello]

You're right. But I said, em.

[Mrs. Niles]

Buffalo Bill.

[Lynn Barry]

You be careful what you say to my father. He's strong in this.

[Bud Abbott]

I smell him.

[Unidentified Male]

Yes.

[Chief Flatfoot]

No, he's strong. Need not wear shoes. Me not wear clothes. Me sleep in wind, rain and snow. No roof. Me eat raw corn, raw meat, raw fish.

[Lou Costello]

You do all that? Yes, and I'm sick and tired of the whole thing.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh boy, what a play.

[Lou Costello]

I'm glad you like it. Well, Indian girl, I want you to marry me.

[Lynn Barry]

It's no use. You cannot marry me unless you get my mother's consent.

[Lou Costello]

I've taken care of that. Cross eyed.

[Unidentified Male]

Cross eyes.

[Lou Costello]

I married your mother, so now I'm your father. So listen, daughter, you have my consent to marry me as soon as I can get a divorce from your old lady, your mother.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, Buffalo. The Indians are going to attack us.

[Meyer]

Me afraid?

[Lynn Barry]

Buffalo?

[Lou Costello]

Don't worry, Cross eyes. Get behind me. If you hear a shot, get in front of me. Look out, here they come. Run for your line.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hello, Louie, it's me, Meyer. I'm back. Oh boy, what a Play.

[Meyer]

Costello, Abbott, Ms. Barry, I want to thank you sincerely for watching my butcher shop while my wife Sophie is having a crisis.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, Meyer. Well, tell me what happened.

[Meyer]

Such a day. Girls with white uniforms are rushing in and out. I'm walking up and down, I'm biting my nails. I couldn't eat nothing but everything find out. Wonderful. Sophie is resting. God, boy, I'm so excited.

[Lou Costello]

Gosh, what a lucky fellow.

[Lynn Barry]

Congratulations, Maya.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, what was it, a boy or a girl?

[Meyer]

The most beautiful permanent wave you ever saw.

[Announcer]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment.

[Ken Niles]

Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight we salute liberty ship captain Henry A. Fritz of Detroit, Michigan, whose freighter was docked between two allied vessels at a North African port. During an air raid both the adjoining vessels began to burn and explode, tearing huge holes in the American ship's hull. Captain Fritz ordered his men to abandon ship but went himself to the bow and though seared by flames chopped the bowlines and enable the ship to be moved to safety. In your honor, Captain Henry Flitz. The makers of Camels are sending to much of marine men on the High Seas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Bud Abbott]

Each of the four Camel shows honors.

[Announcer]

A yank of the week sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas A total of more than a million camels set free each week in this country. The traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than 3 1/2 million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week Are short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, Saturday to Bob Hawk. In thanks to the Yanks, Monday to Blondie and next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with their guest Mr. Edward Arnd. And here's a Special message to all young men of 17. Listen to this. Right now. You can join the Army, Navy or Marine Corps Aviation Enlisted Reserve. If you want to be an army flyer, join the Reserve now and continue your school or job until you're 18. And then you'll start training to become a pilot, navigator or bombardier. Talk to your parents about this. You must have their permission. You can receive full information and printed literature by writing or visiting your nearest Army Aviation Cadet Examining Board or Naval Office of Procurement. Any Army, Navy or Marine recruiting station will tell you how to find it.

[Unidentified Male]

Sam.

[Announcer]

And now here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. Well, Lynn, Barry, thanks for being our guest tonight.

[Lynn Barry]

Just a minute, bud. Look, Costello, I want to know how that play ended before Meyer came in.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, it was a terrific finish. I'm standing on a hill all alone. 10,000 blood curdling Indians are coming at me.

[Lynn Barry]

How many?

[Lou Costello]

1,000 screaming Redskins. How many? 50 ferocious savages.

[Mrs. Niles]

How many?

[Lou Costello]

So I killed the old squaw power and squad. Let me out of here. Let us all out of here. Good night, folks.

[Mrs. Niles]

Good night, neighbors. Good night to everybody in Patterson, New Jersey. Good night, Uncle Marty.

[Announcer]

Tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show with our guest, Edward Arnold. And remember, Camels for Christmas. Yes, Camel cigarettes make a wonderful gift wherever you send them. You can be sure that they'll be fresh when they arrive because Camels are packed to go around the world. This is Ken Nyles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.

[Prince Albert Announcer]

More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Remember that. If you're looking for just the thing to give that pipe smoker for Christmas, Prince Albert comes in special Christmas wrapped pound or half pound containers. Get a Christmas wrapped pound or half pound container of Prince Albert for every pipe smoker on your list. This is the National Broadcasting Company, kfi, Los Angeles.