Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 (045) The Lawyer with Bert Gordon

Summary

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Podcast Summary: “Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 (045) The Lawyer with Bert Gordon”

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: January 28, 2026 (originally aired December 30, 1943)
Length: ~30 min
Special Guest: Bert Gordon ("The Mad Russian")
Main Cast: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Mrs. Niles, Bert Gordon

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Episode Overview

This episode features Abbott and Costello in a comedic legal escapade involving Costello, an allegedly mistreated dog, and a courtroom showdown. With Bert Gordon guest-starring as an eccentric lawyer, “The Mad Russian,” the episode lampoons legal jargon, wage disputes, and courtroom antics—all wrapped in rapid-fire jokes and classic slapstick banter. It’s a showcase of the duo’s wit and their ability to turn a simple misunderstanding (dog bites, court, attorney mishaps) into a full-fledged comedy of errors.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Highlights

1. Costello’s Dog Troubles (01:18–06:27)

• Costello arrives late and immediately recounts his Christmas misfortune—he was bitten by a dog Mrs. Niles gave him as a gift.
  • Lou Costello (01:26): "Mrs. Niles give me a dog for Christmas present and the dog just took a great big bite out of me."
• Series of puns and wordplay regarding the dog’s breed and characteristics, culminating in a talking dog routine.
  • Lou Costello (01:58): "Well, this was his brother. Weak stomach."
• Light roast between Costello, Mrs. Niles, and Ken Niles about the present and their mutual unappreciation.
  • Lou Costello (05:00): "Which one?" (on Mrs. Niles’ claim he only comes up to her “chin”)
  • Mrs. Niles (05:14): "Oh, just look at this picture. Read what it says under it, why don't you?" (leading to an accidental horse race insult)

2. Wage Dispute/Costello’s Salary Math Routine (10:17–16:12)

• Abbott informs Costello he’ll need a lawyer; Costello insists he’s owed “a whole year’s salary”—the classic rapid-fire calculation routine ensues.
• Abbott systematically deducts pay for working hours, Sundays, Saturdays, vacations, lunches, and holidays, whittling Costello’s claim down to a single dollar.
  • Lou Costello (12:41): "You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself."
  • Bud Abbott (15:05): "And as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1."
  • Lou Costello (15:16): "Here's your dollar. I wouldn't mind, Abbott... I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth to feed."
  • Bud Abbott (16:06): "What is it, a boy or a girl?"
    Lou Costello: "A goldfish. Get out of here."

3. The Legal Fiasco – Enter The Mad Russian (18:19–27:49)

• Mrs. Niles returns with a member of the Animal Aid Society to have Costello arrested for "choking the dog.”
• Abbott hires Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian) as Costello’s lawyer, and the episode is overtaken by Bert Gordon’s offbeat logic and surreal advice.
  • Lou Costello (19:46): "Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at Law, dbtc. What does a DBTC mean?"
    Bert Gordon: "Don't bend the card."
  • Bert Gordon (20:16): "There are two courses in giving legal advice. Of course. And because. Of course, you don't have to take my advice. And because if you do, you'll have to pay for it."
• Court scene features absurd questioning and parody of legal procedure.
  • Bert Gordon (23:10): "Now, Mr. Cantello, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
  • Bud Abbott (23:21): (immediately objects before Costello says anything)
• Sentence is comically severe: Costello is found guilty for giving the dog hydrophobia and “murder in the second degree,” and sentenced to “the rock pile.”
  • Narrator (26:20): "It is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile."
  • Lou Costello (26:42): “Abbott, please pay the doll. Right this way, gentlemen.”

4. Resolution and Recurring Gags (27:01–27:49)

• Mrs. Niles and Mr. Storchise eventually pay the dollar fine, freeing Costello.
• As Costello is released, he is reunited with the dog, only to be accused again—ending in a loop of the same legal trouble.
  • Lou Costello (27:29): "Say hello to Mr. Costello, Rover. Rover, You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're choking Rover again."
  • Bert Gordon (27:46): "We'll take it to the highest court."
  • Lou Costello: "Here we go again."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Lou Costello (01:57): "Do you remember that famous dog Strongheart?... Well, this was his brother. Weak stomach."
• Lou Costello (05:14): (reading under Mrs. Niles' photo): “This nag showed great promise as a three year old but is now running in cheap company.”
• Bud Abbott (15:05): "And as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you."
• Bud Abbott (16:06): "You should be so happy. What is it, a boy or a girl?"
  Lou Costello: "A goldfish. Get out of here."
• Bert Gordon (19:49): "Don't bend the card."
• Bert Gordon (22:21): "Looks like the wind is blowing from his back."
  Lou Costello: "Didn't I see you flying over Pomona?"
  Bert Gordon: "No, it was Glendale."
• Bert Gordon (25:05): "Mr. Cantello, Do you promise to tell the truth? The Whole truth and nothing but the truth."
  Bud Abbott: "I object."
  Lou Costello: "You object? I didn't say nothing yet."
• Judge (26:20): "Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia..."

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• (01:18–06:27): Costello’s dog fiasco and banter with Mrs. Niles
• (10:17–16:12): The wage dispute and Abbott’s pay deductions
• (18:19–19:49): Arrest and introduction of The Mad Russian as Costello’s lawyer
• (23:05–26:42): Courtroom scenes—costello “defense,” verdict, sentencing
• (27:01–27:49): Resolution with payment of the fine and the recycled gag of being re-arrested

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Tone and Style

The episode exemplifies the lightning-paced, vaudevillian comedy style of Abbott and Costello, punctuated by puns, bungled logic, and relentless “straight man vs. clown” routines. Bert Gordon’s "Mad Russian" injects additional madness with non-sequiturs and legal double-talk, playing off both Abbott’s exasperation and Costello’s hapless confusion.

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What Makes This Episode Stand Out

• Classic comedic wordplay: The wage deduction sequence is a vintage Abbott & Costello bit, escalating from a seemingly fair wage negotiation to the absurdity of owing Costello a single dollar.
• Parody of legal drama: Bert Gordon’s portrayal of a ridiculous attorney satirizes the legal process while adding goofball energy to the “courtroom.”
• Recurring gags: The final act re-introduces the dog and the threat of legal action in a looping fashion, exemplifying the duo’s love of repeating jokes to new comedic heights.

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In Summary

This episode of “Abbott & Costello” is a showcase of the timeless comedy that made radio’s golden age sparkle. From start to finish, it’s an interplay of sharp dialogue, running gags, and escalating stakes over a wildly trivial legal matter—all handled with the slapstick panache and signature wit of the comedy legends and their guest, the inimitable Bert Gordon.

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For fans of classic radio comedy, this is a prime sample of Abbott & Costello in peak form, with Bert Gordon’s “Mad Russian” adding a delightfully surreal twist to courtroom and legal humor.

Transcript

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[Narrator/Announcer]

3:00Am BL the avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's special guest, Bert Gordon, the mad Russian of radio and starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, here it is, the Last program of 1943 and you're late again. Now, now where have you been?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Mrs. Niles give me a dog for Christmas present and the dog just took a great big bite out of me. Where did he bite you? Well, if I'd have been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did this happen?

[Lou Costello]

Well, let me see now. Where did this happen? In a crowded streetcar. It's the first time I ever gave my sheet to a dog.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, no, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?

[Lou Costello]

Well, do you remember that famous dog Strongheart?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, I remember. Strong heart.

[Lou Costello]

Well, this was his brother. Weak stomach.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, I'm not talking about that. What does the dog's breed?

[Lou Costello]

What does his breed? Yeah, he breathes to his nose like you and me.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, you dummy. What type of a dog is he? Spitz?

[Lou Costello]

No, but he drools a little.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, there are different types of dogs such as setters and pointers.

[Lou Costello]

That's it, Abbott.

[Mrs. Niles]

That's what he is.

[Lou Costello]

He's a set of pointers. A set of pointers? Yeah, he sets all damn points at the ice box. Hey, that's the dog now, Abbott. He's out in the hall. Come on, Rover.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come on, Rover.

[Lou Costello]

Come on in the door. I said come in the door. Not through the door.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, Costello, Lou, this is a wonderful dog.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, listen to him. Just my luck to get a dog with asthma.

[Bud Abbott]

Now cut that out. I'm going to show you how to handle dogs. Come here. Over. Tell me, how much is one and one? Did you hear that, Costello?

[Lou Costello]

I miss it. I Was here.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll try again. Rover, how much is 2 and 2? I told you he was a smart dog.

[Lou Costello]

I'm gonna see if he's really smart. Abbott. Rover. What time is it? Quarter.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, isn't that the most wonderful thing.

[Lou Costello]

You ever heard of?

[Bud Abbott]

A talking dog?

[Lou Costello]

Talking dog.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait till I get the phone.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hello?

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

What?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you don't think so, eh? Okay, smarty. Goodbye. How do you like that? I bet that was a friend of mine. He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog.

[Bud Abbott]

Who's your friend?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just a horse. Come in and make it funny. It's costing camels a lot of money.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, it's Kenile.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if it isn't the spirit of £76.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, yeah, look who's talking. Listen, fat boy, why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second print?

[Lou Costello]

Very funny, Skinny.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Very funny.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny.

[Lou Costello]

Not skinny, huh? He once worked in an olive factory. He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimento in after him.

[Bud Abbott]

But pay no attention to Costello Can. I'm ashamed of him. He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah, and what's more, he didn't even thank her for it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes, I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head.

[Bud Abbott]

Why didn't you kiss her on the lips?

[Lou Costello]

Her head is much smoother.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.

[Lou Costello]

Me, a shrimp?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, you're a shrimp. You only come up to my chin.

[Lou Costello]

Which one?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?

[Lou Costello]

Well, don't look now, but your Social Security slip is showing.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, how can you talk like that to Mrs. Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas when you gave her nothing?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't know why you say nothing. Didn't I give her a picture? Get her picture published in a paper?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, but look where they put it in the Racing News.

[Lou Costello]

Well, ain't that the dope sheet.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, just look at this picture. Read what it says under it, why don't you?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, look what it says. This snag showed great promise as a three year old but is now running in cheap company.

[Bud Abbott]

Castello, that's an insult.

[Mrs. Niles]

It most certainly is. And I'm leaving.

[Lou Costello]

Then take the dog Rover with you. Every time he looks at me, he bites me.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, that's silly. Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth.

[Lou Costello]

I know that. They're all in My leg.

[Mrs. Niles]

You can't talk that way about Rover.

[Lou Costello]

Why, I love that little dog.

[Mrs. Niles]

Almost as much as I do Kenneth.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Even more you gave him a longer leash.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come on, Rover, I'm taking you home. And don't even look at Mr. Costa. Get out of here.

[Lou Costello]

Get out.

[Mrs. Niles]

He bit me again. Take your foot out of Rover's mouth. You're trying to choke him.

[Lou Costello]

Costello. Costello, leave that dog alone.

[Mrs. Niles]

He won't leave his flavour, that dog. Costello. Just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover. You'll regret this. I'll drag you through every court in the land. I'll even take you to some supreme court. And I'll stand before the judge and tell him my story. And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Geico Announcer]

Hello, I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food truck.

[Mrs. Niles]

Best cheesesteaks in town.

[Geico Announcer]

Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for her food truck business. We're here where she needs us most.

[Mrs. Niles]

They sure are.

[Geico Announcer]

We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks money.

[Lou Costello]

Not this onion. I'm chubby.

[Geico Announcer]

It's just so beautiful.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah. Nice. The Onion.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico. Freddie Rich and the orchestra play an unusual arrangement of David Rose's Lovely Competition edition Holiday for Strength.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Costello, let's get busy. Come on, let's get busy. Mrs. Niles will be here soon with the warrant. Free arrest for choking that dog Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I've told you before. Now I Didn't choke.

[Mrs. Niles]

He bit me.

[Bud Abbott]

I know that, but you'll need a lawyer.

[Lou Costello]

Now.

[Bud Abbott]

We've got to find a good barrister.

[Lou Costello]

A what?

[Bud Abbott]

Don't you know what a barrister is?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah. I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, don't be silly. A barrister is a legal expert. The greatest barrister of all times was Gladstone. I suppose you never heard of Gladstone.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, certainly I heard of Gladstone. My uncle had Gladstones, but he had to have them cut out.

[Bud Abbott]

How can you talk nonsense when you may have to face the. Listen, will you listen to me, please?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars? And where do you expect to get the money?

[Lou Costello]

Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money? You know where I expect to get the money. What do you mean, you're gonna help me out?

[Bud Abbott]

How can I help you? I'm a pauper.

[Lou Costello]

A pauper? Congratulations. What is it, a boy or girl?

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind that. I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money.

[Lou Costello]

Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming. Now, this is the end of the year now. No more after this.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

You know, 365 days in a year. Well, I know that I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole year's salary. 365 days. 365,000.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

You owe me a dollar a day or something.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. Let's straighten this out.

[Lou Costello]

Pay me out.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. You say you work 365 days for me and you want to be reimbursed?

[Lou Costello]

Look, I don't want to burst anything. Just give me my money. 365 bucks I'll get out. Hand over some of those Morgenthau mash notes.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

I.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, now, don't get excited. Take it easy. Now, listen. How many hours a day did you work?

[Lou Costello]

Eight hours a day.

[Bud Abbott]

And how many hours are there in a day?

[Lou Costello]

Look, now, Abbott, don't try to put anything over on me. There's 24 hours in a day. All but February, which has 28.

[Bud Abbott]

You're absolutely right. There are 24 hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day. Is that right?

[Lou Costello]

That's according to the way you figure it.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, One third of 365 is about $121. So you actually only have 120. $21 coming to you. That's the way I reckon it.

[Lou Costello]

You sure are reckon it. Come on, get it up. Give me the dough.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you did have $121 coming to you.

[Lou Costello]

But I knew there was a button.

[Bud Abbott]

But you didn't work Sundays, did you?

[Lou Costello]

No, I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie.

[Bud Abbott]

All right. There are 52 Sundays in a year. Deduct 52 from $121, which leaves $69 coming to you.

[Lou Costello]

You're shorter.

[Bud Abbott]

Positive.

[Lou Costello]

You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, that's mighty nice of you to look out for my interest.

[Lou Costello]

I might as well look out for yours. You already wrecked mine. Come on, Abbott, give me the money. Get up something, will you?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, I'd be glad to give you the $69, but hold on to your hatch.

[Lou Costello]

Here we go again. Look, Abbott, give me a couple of dollars. How is that?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturdays. Isn't that right, partner?

[Lou Costello]

Partner? Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner. Look, will you give me a dollar? I'll sell. Give me a half a buck.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second. Just a minute.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Now, wait a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

Where was I?

[Lou Costello]

You just had a toe hole on my $69.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Happy day.

[Bud Abbott]

On Saturdays. 52 Saturdays in a year. 1/2 of 52 is 26. So you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of $43.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Sum of?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, sum of.

[Lou Costello]

If I get some of it, I'll be lucky. Look, Abbott, give me a quarter, will you? Let me have a quarter? Give me 20 cents.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, now, wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

I'm going out of here with something.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute, just a minute. There's still a balance of $43.

[Lou Costello]

But. Stop, button. You're getting my goat.

[Bud Abbott]

But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

That's 14 days. Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of $29.

[Lou Costello]

Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime? Is that asking too much? Will you give me a. Give me anything.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, I gave you the $29, but.

[Lou Costello]

Now I know it as good as you do.

[Bud Abbott]

How much time did you take off for lunch?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, this is going to run into money. I took off one hour a day.

[Bud Abbott]

Very well. 365 hours is equal to 15 days, I take it.

[Lou Costello]

You might as well take it. You've taken everything out. Oh, 15. But now I know it better than you do. Look, Abbott, give me sh.

[Mrs. Niles]

Will you give me A nickel?

[Lou Costello]

What do you mean?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean give you a poor penny?

[Lou Costello]

Look, can you spare a rat biscuit? Now listen, maybe you got a odd mothball. A mothball? Look, is it asking? Give me a sardine. Go ahead. Mrs. Niles is going to have me in a can anyway.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, just a minute. Let's straighten this thing out. There are 13 holidays in a year which you didn't work. And as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck to you.

[Lou Costello]

Nice work, Abbott. I need money for a lawyer because Mrs. Niles is going to throw me in jail and you're giving me only a dollar.

[Bud Abbott]

Let's have no more words about it.

[Lou Costello]

One measly dollar After I worked in slave for you for a whole year.

[Bud Abbott]

I always pay my obligations. Here's your dollar.

[Lou Costello]

I wouldn't mind, Abbott. I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone. I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth feed.

[Bud Abbott]

Now listen, your troubles are not my. Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

You what? I have another mouth to feed.

[Bud Abbott]

Another mouth to feed? You never told me that.

[Lou Costello]

I know it.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, you've been with me all this time, Costello, and now you tell me you have another mouth to feed.

[Lou Costello]

I didn't want Wincheel to hear it.

[Bud Abbott]

Why didn't you tell me that before?

[Lou Costello]

I was ashamed.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, you fortunate fellow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I, I, I was only kidding about the other money.

[Lou Costello]

Here.

[Bud Abbott]

Here's your $365. To show you that my heart's in the right place. Here's $50 of my own. You should be so happy. What is it, a boy or a girl?

[Lou Costello]

A goldfish. Get out of here.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Tommy Haynes introduces a new song destined for the top of the list. You've got to talk me into it, baby.

[Tommy Haynes]

You gotta talk me into it. Talk me into it, baby. A little conversation might change my note to a maybe. You gotta spread it on thick like butter on bread. Results will be quick if you just use your head. I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you. You gotta, baby talk me to talk me into it, baby. For if it's mental, you hear I might lend an ear maybe. For I'm a cinch for cleanse. You blaze for praise of love words. Now that I've taught you how. Talk me into it.

[Lou Costello]

Now.

[Tommy Haynes]

You'Ve got a baby talk with me. Talk me into it, baby. A little conversation might change my nature maybe you. You gotta spread it on thick like butter on bread Results will be quick if you just use your head I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you youu got a baby dog with your dog into it Baby boy if it's Mandelstand you hear I might land an ear maybe But I'm a cinch for a clinch A blaze for a phrase I want your love, that's all that I crave I've told you how yes, I've told you how. You've got to talk me into it now.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, where are you?

[Mrs. Niles]

Here I am.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute of the place you want to arrest. But don't worry, I hired a lawyer to defend you. I got my own personal mouthpiece.

[Lou Costello]

You mean your wife? No, no.

[Bud Abbott]

When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth and lays down the law.

[Lou Costello]

That's still your wife. There.

[Mrs. Niles]

There's the man who choked my dog. That little fat one. This is Oliver Storchise of the Animal Aid Society. Mr. Sorchies, arrest that man.

[Lou Costello]

Very well, Mr. Costello, you're under arrest. What? Sir, come with me. I won't.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, darn it.

[Lou Costello]

Nobody ever wants to come along. Now leave us.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Face it.

[Lou Costello]

You either come with me or pay the usual fine of $1. Oh, just a dollar. Did you hear that, Abbott? I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar. Here you are, Mr. Store Cheese. I'd be glad to get it.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute, Costello. Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt. Shut up. Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. I hired a lawyer for you.

[Lou Costello]

After all, they can get out of this for a thousand. Just a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

I've hired your lawyer. He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor and an expert at jurisprudence. His very voice has been known to spell by the jury. I can hear him now.

[Lou Costello]

Say, how do you do.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello? This is your attorney, Bert Gordon. The Mad Russian.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Gentlemen. Mein card.

[Lou Costello]

Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at Law, dbtc. What does a DBTC mean?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Don't bend the card.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Costello, the Russian's going to give you some advice now.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

That is correct, Mr. Castoria. There are. There are two courses in giving legal advice. Of course. And because. Of course, you don't have to take my advice. And because if you do, you'll have to pay for it.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but this guy ain't no lawyer.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Don't say that. Duh, don't say when.

[Lou Costello]

I Went to college.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

They gave me a five better Kappa key.

[Lou Costello]

Does it fit the hole in your head?

[Bud Abbott]

Please, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

He's no college man, Mind.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Dear You, I'll have you understand I went to Vassar.

[Lou Costello]

Vassar? That's a school for girls. A girls school.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

I found that out one day when I was supporting the laundry.

[Lou Costello]

Now see here, Mr. Costello. Get me another lawyer, a cheaper one. Mr. Costello, I'm waiting. Are you going to pay the fine of $1 or not? Okay, here's your dollar store, Jim.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Just a minute, Mr. Canmello, I forbid you to pay that particular dollar.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, he's very fortunate to get off with just a dollar after the way he insulted me. Why, when he choked my little dog, a tear ran down my cheek.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma'. Am. And it took one look at your face and ran right back up again.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Yes, why not? You see, from the legal point of view, if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely, absolutely perpendicular.

[Lou Costello]

Perpendicular? What does that mean? How dare you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, this is ridiculous. Come, Mr. Sorcheese, we're taking this case to court.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm gonna pay the dollar.

[Mrs. Niles]

It's too late. Follow up what you did, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

You and your phony lawyer.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be silly. The Russian's one of the greatest lawyers in the world.

[Lou Costello]

That is correct.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

In my first case, I defended Dreyfus.

[Bud Abbott]

Dreyfus?

[Lou Costello]

Alfred Dreyfus of Devil's Island?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

No, reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island. Say, Mr. Castile, don't. Don't worry about the thing when I'm here. I'm a great intellectual. My stock in trade is brains.

[Lou Costello]

You got a funny looking sample case.

[Bud Abbott]

Now stop those remarks, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Get a load of his ears.

[Bud Abbott]

What's wrong with him?

[Lou Costello]

Looks like the wind is blowing from his back.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

That's very funny.

[Lou Costello]

Very funnier.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

You think it's funnier?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Didn't I see you flying over Pomona?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

No, it was Glendale.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, what happened shouldn't happen to our dog. Logan, will you please take this style of Russian, go down to the court and settle the case over?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Mind that body. Remember the words of that old saying, haste makes. Go ahead. There's more.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, come on, Costello. Let's go down to the court and fight this case. We'll win in no time.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Court of common pleas now in session. Case of Niles vs. Costello. Mr. Gordon may question the defendant.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Thank you, Your Honor. Now, Mr. Cantello, Do you promise to tell the truth? The Whole truth and nothing but the truth.

[Lou Costello]

I do.

[Bud Abbott]

I object.

[Lou Costello]

You object? I didn't say nothing yet.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, shut up. You keep out of this.

[Mrs. Niles]

Abbott, get me out of here, will you? Will you pay the salah?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Your Honor, you have heard your testimony. How can you call mein client guilty?

[Narrator/Announcer]

But I didn't call him guilty.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Then why are you wasting my time?

[Narrator/Announcer]

The court finds the defendant, Lou Costello, guilty. And the fine is $1 or 30 days.

[Bud Abbott]

We won't pay the fine, Costello.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

No, we'll appeal the case to a higher court. I got plenty time.

[Lou Costello]

You just got some for me too.

[Mrs. Niles]

Abbott, will you please give the man a dollar? Please give him a do.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Supreme Court's now in session. First case, Niles vs. Costello. Prisoner will step to the bar.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Are the chains heavy?

[Lou Costello]

No. Would you mind holding this hundred pound ball? Abbott, it be out of this. Please pay that one measly dollar.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Order in the court. Remember, I am justice.

[Lou Costello]

And I'm justice too.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Justice who?

[Lou Costello]

Just as good as you are.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You can't speak that way to me, young man. I've been sitting on this bench for 20 years.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just naturally lazy, eh? Wait, wait.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Let me handle this case. Mr. Cantaloupe, Please tell the judge and jury the story of your life.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that's enough. What a short life.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Your Honor, my client would never hurt a dog. Mr. Cornello, tell the judge about your own little dog.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. I once had a little dog.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Did he have long wavy hair? And did he have a cold nose?

[Lou Costello]

Huh?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

And did he have very big ears?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes, Papa.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Your honor, I would like.

[Lou Costello]

Your Honor, I would like to ask.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

My client just one question.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Request granted.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Mr. Castellanets, tell me something. Where were you on the night of December 23rd, 1943?

[Lou Costello]

I was home.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. The defense rest.

[Lou Costello]

Alcatraz, here I come.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia, after which he bit two people who died immediately. Therefore, Lou Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree. And it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, please pay the doll. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Bud Abbott]

Only five minutes with a prisoner.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hey, Abbott, get me out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, listen, we've got some news for you.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Absolutely. I just came from the Capitol. I saw the Governor.

[Lou Costello]

What did he say?

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

Pay the dollar.

[Lou Costello]

That's what I've been trying to Tell.

[Mrs. Niles]

You now, now, don't get excited. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Mrs. Lyles, what are you doing here?

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, Mr. Storchise and I went to the governor, paid the dollar and now everything's all straightened out. Costello, you're a free man.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, the only friend I got. Thanks, Mrs. Niles. Yes, Costello.

[Narrator/Announcer]

We're sorry it all happened so.

[Lou Costello]

As a surprise, we brought a friend.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Of yours to see you.

[Lou Costello]

Say hello to Mr. Costello, Rover. Rover, You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're choking Rover again. Costello, you're under arrest. That'll cost you a dollar. Don't pay the fine.

[Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian)]

We'll take it to the highest court.

[Lou Costello]

Here we go again.

[Mrs. Niles]

Let me out of here. Get me out of here.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Evan and Cancella will be back in just a moment.

[Additional Announcer]

Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight we salute First Lieutenant Thomas H. Regan of Chicago an ordinance officer at an American air base in England. When the flying fortress exploded above his FIELD it scattered 16 live bombs over the countryside. When each was located, Lieutenant Regan went from one to the other and though each might have blown him to bits he removed the fuse from all 16 bombs rendering them all harmless. In your honor, Lieutenant Thomas H. Regan the makers of Camels are sending to Our soldiers overseas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Each of the four Camel shows honors. A yank of the week sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas A total of more than a million Camels set free each week in this country. The traveling Camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than 3 1/2 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Saturday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the angst. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guest, Judy Canova. And now here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. We're a little late, so I'll just say good night. And a happy New Year to you all.

[Lou Costello]

Be sure to tune in for another.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Great Abbott and Costello show next week at the same time when our guest will be Judy Canova. And remember, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Get Camel. More flavor. Helps Camels hold up pack after pack. And now, this is Chem Niles wishing you all a very pleasant holiday from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Prince Albert's no bite treated for cool tongue. Happy smoking comfort Crimp Cut, too. To pack and burn and draw just right. More pipes. Smoke Prince Albert. It's the National Joy Smoke. This is the National Broadcasting Company.

[Geico Announcer]

Hello. I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food truck.

[Mrs. Niles]

Best cheesesteaks in town.

[Geico Announcer]

Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for her food truck business. We're here where she needs us most.

[Mrs. Niles]

They sure are.

[Geico Announcer]

We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks money.

[Mrs. Niles]

Not this onion I'm chopping.

[Geico Announcer]

It's just so beautiful.

[Additional Announcer]

Oh, yeah.

[Geico Announcer]

Nice.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The onion. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico.