Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 (045) The Lawyer with Bert Gordon

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 (045) The Lawyer with Bert Gordon

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Episode: Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 (045) The Lawyer with Bert Gordon
• Release Date: June 12, 2025

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Overview

In this episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio with the classic comedy duo Abbott & Costello. The featured episode, titled "The Lawyer," showcases their timeless humor and impeccable timing through a humorous legal escapade involving Lou Costello, a troublesome dog, and the eccentric lawyer, Bert Gordon, known as "The Mad Russian of Radio." This detailed summary delves into the unfolding of the plot, the comedic interactions between characters, and the sharp wit that Abbott & Costello are renowned for.

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Detailed Plot Summary

Introduction to the Conflict

The episode begins with Lou Costello lamenting his latest misfortune: a dog gifted to him by Mrs. Niles that has bitten him multiple times. The dog, named Rover, becomes the central figure of contention between Costello and Mrs. Niles. The confrontation escalates when Mrs. Niles threatens legal action against Costello for choking her beloved pet.

• [01:48] Bud Abbott introduces the show, highlighting the guest star Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian of Radio.

Lou's Predicament

Lou Costello's troubles start when Mrs. Niles gives him a dog, which promptly bites him in various locations.

• [01:54] Lou Costello: "Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me."
• [02:12] Lou Costello: "Where did this happen? In a crowded streetcar. It's the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog."

Costello's attempts to describe the dog’s breed lead to a series of humorous misunderstandings.

• [02:38] Lou Costello: "What does his breed? Yeah, he breathes to his nose like you and me."
• [02:46] Bert Gordon: "No, but he drools a little."

Escalation of Tensions

Costello attempts to manage Rover, leading to more comedic mishaps. Mrs. Niles arrives, furious over the antics involving her dog.

• [05:21] Mrs. Niles: "Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?"
• [05:59] Lou Costello: "Well, ain't that the dope sheet."

The situation culminates in Mrs. Niles threatening to drag Costello through every court in the land.

The Quest for Legal Help

Facing potential legal consequences, Costello seeks the help of Abbott to find a good barrister.

• [10:19] Lou Costello: "Mrs. Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your arrest for choking that dog."

Abbott and Costello engage in a comedic negotiation over the fine, employing their classic back-and-forth humor.

• [11:00] Lou Costello: "Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money?"
• [12:00] Lou Costello: "You're absolutely right. There are 24 hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day."

Courtroom Shenanigans

The plot thickens as Costello finds himself in court, facing Mrs. Niles' accusations. Bert Gordon steps in as Costello’s lawyer, bringing his own brand of chaotic legal advice.

• [21:12] Bert Gordon: "Gentlemen. Mine card."
• [22:36] Mrs. Niles: "Well, he's very fortunate to get off with just a dollar after the way he insulted me."

The courtroom scenes are filled with rapid-fire dialogue and slapstick humor, typical of Abbott & Costello’s style.

Resolution and Return to Chaos

After a series of humorous legal proceedings, the situation seems resolved when Mrs. Niles and Mr. Storchise pay the fine, freeing Costello. However, the peace is short-lived as Rover reappears, and the cycle of comedic conflict begins anew.

• [28:37] Bert Gordon: "Paid a dollar."
• [28:43] Lou Costello: "Mrs. Lyles, what are you doing here?"
• [29:02] Lou Costello: "Rover. Costello. Costello, you spit me again."

The episode concludes with an invitation to tune in for future shows, maintaining the light-hearted and entertaining atmosphere.

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Key Scenes and Notable Quotes

1. Introduction of the Problem

   • [02:02] Lou Costello: "Where did he bite you?"
   • [02:27] Lou Costello: "Well, this was his brother, Weak stomach."

2. Discussion About the Dog’s Breed

   • [02:46] Bert Gordon: "No, but he drools a little."
   • [03:23] Lou Costello: "Like Costello. Lou, this is a wonderful dog."

3. Confrontation with Mrs. Niles

   • [05:21] Mrs. Niles: "Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?"
   • [07:00] Mrs. Niles: "He won't leave his for that last straw."

4. Negotiating the Fine

   • [11:05] Lou Costello: "How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars?"
   • [12:00] Lou Costello: "You're absolutely right. There are 24 hours in a day."

5. Courtroom Drama

   • [21:12] Bert Gordon: "Gentlemen. Mine card."
   • [25:07] Lou Costello: "Guilty. But I didn't call him guilty."

6. Final Resolution

   • [28:37] Bert Gordon: "Paid a dollar."
   • [29:02] Lou Costello: "Rover. Costello. Costello, you spit me again."

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Conclusion

This episode of "Abbott & Costello" masterfully combines situational comedy with sharp dialogue, showcasing the duo's ability to transform everyday conflicts into laugh-out-loud moments. The interplay between Abbott, Costello, and Bert Gordon creates a dynamic narrative filled with misunderstandings, quick-witted repartees, and classic slapstick humor. For listeners unfamiliar with the show, this episode offers a quintessential example of why Abbott & Costello remain beloved figures in the history of radio entertainment.

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Note: Advertisements, musical interludes, and non-content segments have been intentionally omitted to focus solely on the primary comedic narrative between Abbott & Costello.

Transcript

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[Bud Abbott]

L F the Avenant Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's guest, Bert Gordon, the mad Russian of radio, and starring Bud Abbott and Lu Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Costell, here it is, the Last program of 1943 and you're late again. Now, now, where have you been?

Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me.

No.

Yeah. Mrs. Niles give me a dog for Christmas and the dog just took a great big bite out of me.

Where did he bite you?

Well, if I'd have been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers. Where?

Where did this happen?

Well, let me see now. Where did this happen? In a crowded streetcar. It's the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.

No, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?

Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?

Yes, I remember Strongheart.

Well, this was his brother, Weak stomach.

Listen, I'm not talking about that. What does the dog's breed?

What does his breed? Yeah, he breathes to his nose like you and me.

No, no, no, you dummy. What type of a dog is he? A spitz?

[Bert Gordon]

No, but he drools a little.

[Lou Costello]

Look, there are different types of dogs such as setters and pointers.

That's it, Abbott. That's what he is. He's a setter. Pointer.

A set of pointers?

Yeah, he sets all day points at the icebox. Hey, that's the dog now, Abbott. He's out in the hall. Come on, Rover. Come on, Rover. Come on in the door. I said come in the door. Not the door, through the door.

Like Costello. Lou, this is a wonderful dog.

Yeah, listen to him. Just my luck to get a dog with asthma.

Now, cut that out. I'm going to show you how to handle dogs. Come here.

[Bud Abbott]

Over.

[Lou Costello]

Tell me, how much is one and one?

Did you hear that, Costello? I was serious.

I'll try again. Rover, how much is 2 and 2? I told you he was a smart devil.

I was going to see if he's really smart. Abbot. Rover, what time is it? Quarter to four.

Castella. Isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of a talking dog?

Talking dog. Where do I get the phone? Hello? Yes. What? Oh, you don't think so, eh? Okay, smarty. Goodbye. How do you like that, Abbott? That was a friend of mine. He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog.

Who's your friend?

Oh, just a horse. Come in and make it funny. It's costing camels a lot of money.

Oh, it's Kenile.

Well, if it isn't the spirit of £76.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, yeah, look who's talking. Listen, fat boy, why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front?

[Lou Costello]

Very funny, Skinny. Very funny.

Now, Costello, Ken, Niles is not skinny.

He's not skinny, huh? He once worked in an olive factory. He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimento in after him.

But pay no attention to Costello. Ken, I'm ashamed of him. He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, and what's more, he didn't even thank her for it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes, I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head.

Why didn't you kiss her on the lips?

Her head is much smoother.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, I heard that remark, Costello. Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.

[Lou Costello]

Me, a shrimp?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, you're a shrimp. You only come up to my chin.

[Lou Costello]

Which one?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?

[Lou Costello]

Well, don't look now, but your Social Security slip is showing.

Costello, how can you talk like that to Mrs. Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas when you gave her nothing.

Oh, I don't know why you say nothing. Didn't I give her a picture? Get her picture published in a paper?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, but look where they put it in the Racing News.

[Lou Costello]

Well, ain't that the dope sheet.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, just look at this picture. Read what it says under it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't think that. Oh, look what it says. This snag showed great promise as a three year old, but it's now running in cheap company.

Castello, that's an insult.

[Mrs. Niles]

It most certainly is. And I'm leaving.

[Lou Costello]

Then take the dog Rover with you. Every time he looks at me, he bites me.

Oh, that's silly. Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth.

I know that. They're all in my leg.

[Mrs. Niles]

You can't talk that way about Rover. Why, I love that little dog almost as much as I do.

[Bud Abbott]

Even more you gave him a longer leash.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come on, Rover, I'm taking you home. And don't even look at Mr. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Get out of here. Get out. He bit me again.

[Mrs. Niles]

Take your foot out of Rover's mouth. You're trying to choke him.

[Lou Costello]

Costello.

Costello, leave that dog alone.

[Mrs. Niles]

He won't leave his for that last straw. Costello, just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover. You'll regret this. I'll drag you through every court in the land. I'll even take you to the Supreme Court. And I'll stand before the judge and tell him my story. And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?

[Bud Abbott]

Into a Japanese held inlet, right under enemy guns slides an American PT boat out again on her daily routine hunt for Jap supply barges. They've got what it takes, these men of the plywood navy. And so has their cigarette. Camels first with men in all the services according to actual sales record, both at home and overseas. More people want Camel cigarettes. But remember, if your store is temporarily sold out, Camels are worth asking for again. They've always got more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. And wherever you are, wherever you send Camels, they stay fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Camel's tobacco standard is the same for soldier for civilian anywhere in the world. 3am Elf Camel cigarettes. They stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Freddie Rich and the orchestra play an unusual arrangement of David Rose's lovely composition Holiday for Strength.

[Lou Costello]

Sam. It's Sam.

Let's get busy. Mrs. Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your arrest for choking that dog.

Evan, I've tell you before now. I didn't choke a dog. He bit me.

I know that, but you'll need a lawyer now. We've got to find a good barrister.

A what?

Don't you know what a barrister is?

Oh, yeah. I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid.

Now, don't be silly. A barrister is a legal expert. The greatest barrister of all times was Gladstone. I suppose you never heard of Gladstone.

Oh, sorry. I heard of Gladstone. My uncle had Gladstones, but he had to have them cut out.

How can you talk nonsense when you may have. Listen. Will you listen to me, please?

Yeah.

How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars? And where do you expect to get the money?

Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money? You know where I expect to get the money. What do you mean, you're going to help me out?

How can I help you? I'm a pauper.

A pauper? Congratulations.

What is it, a boy or a girl? Never mind that. I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money.

Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming. Now, this is the end of the year. No more after this.

What do you mean?

You know. 365 days in a year. Well, I know that I'm working for you and you owe me a whole year's salary. 365 days.

Wait a minute.

You owe me a dollar a day.

Just a minute. Let's straighten this out.

Pay me out.

Just a minute. You say you work 365 days for me and you want to be reimbursed?

Look, I don't want to burst anything. Just give me my money. 365 bucks I'll get out. Hand over some of those Morgenthau Mash notes.

All right, look, now, don't get excited. Take it easy. Now, listen. How many hours a day did you work?

Eight hours a day.

And how many hours are there in a day?

Look, now, Abbott, don't try to put anything over on me. There's 24 hours in a day. All but February, which has 28.

You're absolutely right. There are 24 hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day.

Is that right? That's according to the way you figure.

Well, One third of 365 is about $121. So you actually only have 120. $21 coming to you. That's the way I reckon it.

You sure are reckon it. Come on, get it up.

Give me the dough. Well, you did have $121 coming to you.

But I knew there was a button.

But you didn't work Sundays, did you?

No, I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie.

All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year. Deduct 52 from $121, which leaves $69 coming to you.

You're short.

I positive.

You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.

Now, that's mighty nice of you to look out for my interest.

I might as well look out for yours. You already wrecked mine. Come on, Abbott, give me the money. Get up something, will you?

All right, I'd be glad to give you the $69, but.

Oh, hold on to your hatch. Here we go again. Look, Abbott, give me a couple of dollars. How is that?

Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturdays. Isn't that right, partner?

Partner? Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner. Look, will you give me a dollar? I'll sell. Give me a half a buck.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second. Just a minute. Now wait a minute. Where was I?

You just had a toe hole on my $69.

Oh, yes, yes. Happy day. On Saturdays. 52 Saturdays in a year. 1/2 of 52 is 26. So you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of $43. Sum of? Yes, sum of.

If I get some of it, I'll be lucky. Look, Abbott, give me a quarter, will you? Let me have a quarter? Give me 20 cents.

Well, now, wait a minute.

I'm going out of here with something.

Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. There's still a balance of $43, but.

Stop, button, you're getting my goat.

But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's 14 days. Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of $29.

Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime? Is that asking too much? Will you give me a. Give me anything?

Listen, I give you the $29, but.

Now I know it as good as you do.

How much time did you take off for lunch?

Oh, this is going to run into money. I took off one hour a day.

Very well. 365 hours is equal to 15 days. I take it.

You might as well, take it. You've taken everything out. Oh, 15. But now I know it better than you do. Look, Abbott, give me a shot, will you? Give me a nickel.

What do you mean?

Give me four pennies.

What do you mean give you four penny?

Look, can you spare a rat biscuit? Now listen, maybe you got a mothball.

A mothball?

Look, is it.

[Mrs. Niles]

Ask a.

[Lou Costello]

Give me a sardine. Go ahead. Mrs. Niles is going to have me in a can anyway.

Just a minute, just a minute. Let's straighten this thing out. There are 13 holidays in a year which you didn't work. And as you only have $14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact sum of $1. Here you are, my dear friend and good luck to you.

Nice work, Abbott. I need money for a lawyer because Mrs. Niles is going to throw me in jail and you're giving me only a dollar.

Let's have no more words about it.

One measly dollar? After I worked in slave for you for a whole year.

I always pay my obligations.

Here's your dollar. I wouldn't mind, Abbott. I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.

[Richard Karn]

Hi, I'm Richard Karn and you may have seen me on TV talking about the world's number one expandable garden hose. Well, the brand new pocket hose Copperhead with POC is here and it's a total game changer. Old fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot, but the Copperhead's pocket pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow and freedom to water with ease all around your home. When you're all done, this rust proof anti burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Plus your super light and ultra durable pocket hose. Copperhead is backed with a 10 year warranty. What could be better than that? I'll tell you what. An exciting radio exclusive offer just for you for a limited time. You can get a free Pocket Pivot and their 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size Copperhead hose. Just text water to 64,000. That's water to 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase W A T E R to 64,000. By texting 64,000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from Pocket Host. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Available@pocket host.com terms use of flavor tobacco.

[Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids]

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[Lou Costello]

Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.

I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth feed.

Now listen, your troubles are not my. Wait a minute.

You what? I have another mouth to feed.

Another mouth to feed? You never told me that.

I know it.

Why? You've been with me all this time, Costello, and now you tell me you have another mouth to feed.

I didn't want Wincheel to hear it.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

I was ashamed.

[Bert Gordon]

Ha.

[Lou Costello]

You fortunate fellow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I. I was only kidding about the other money. Here. Here's your $365. To show you that my heart's in the right place, here's $50 of my own. You should be so happy. What is it, a boy or a girl?

A goldfish. Get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Tommy Haynes introduces a new song destined for the top of the list. You've got to talk me into it, baby.

[Connie Haynes]

You gotta talk, talk me into it. Talk me into it, baby. A little conversation might change my note to her maybe you gotta spread it on thick like butter on bread. Results will be quick if you just use your head. I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you. You gotta, baby, talk me to talk me into it, baby. For if it's Mendelssohn you hear I might lend an ear maybe For I'm a cinch for clinch your blaze for praise of love words. Now that I've told you how. Talk me into it.

[Lou Costello]

Now.

[Connie Haynes]

You'Ve got a baby dog with me. Talking into it, baby. A little conversation might change my notes Maybe you gotta spread it on thick like butter on bread. Results will be quick if you just use your head. I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you. You got a baby dog with your dog into it, baby? Or if it's Mandelson, you hear I might land an ear, maybe you. I'm a cinch for a clinch, a blaze for a phrase. I want your love, that's all that I crave. I've told you how, yes, I've told you how you've Got to talk me into it.

[Lou Costello]

Now.

Costello.

Costello, where are you? Here I am.

Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute of the place you want to arrest. But don't worry, I hired a lawyer to defend you. I got my own personal mouthpiece.

You mean your wife?

No, no. When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth and lays down the law.

That's still your wife.

[Mrs. Niles]

There. There's the man who choked my dog. That little fat one. This is Oliver Storchise of the Animal Aid Society. Mr. Storchise, arrest that man.

[Lou Costello]

Very well, Mr. Costello, you're under arrest. What's that? Come with me. I won't.

Oh, darn it. Nobody ever wants to come along.

Now leave us.

Face it.

You either come with me or pay the usual fine of $1. Oh, just a dollar. Did you hear that, Abbott? I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar. Here you are, Mr. Storchees. I'd be glad to get a just.

You down in it, Costello. Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt.

Shut up.

Now wait a minute. Just a minute. I hired a lawyer for you after.

All I can get out of this for a dollar. Just a minute.

I've hired your lawyer. He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor and an expert at jurisprudence. His very voice has been known to spell by the jury. I can hear him now.

[Bert Gordon]

Say, how do you do.

[Lou Costello]

Costello? This is your attorney, Bert Gordon, The Mad Russian.

[Bert Gordon]

Gentlemen. Mine card.

[Lou Costello]

Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at Law, dbtc. What does a DBTC mean?

[Bert Gordon]

Don't bend the card.

[Lou Costello]

Listen, Costello, the Russian's going to give you some advice now.

[Bert Gordon]

That is correct, Mr. Castoria. There are. There are two courses in giving legal advice.

[Mrs. Niles]

Of course.

[Bert Gordon]

And because, of course, you don't have to take my advice and because if you do, you'll have to pay for it.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but this guy ain't no lawyer.

[Bert Gordon]

Don't say that. Duh. Don't say. When I went to college they gave me a five better Kappa key.

[Lou Costello]

Does it fit the hole in your head?

Please, Costello, he's no college man.

[Bert Gordon]

My dear, you. I'll have you understand, I went to Vassar.

[Lou Costello]

Vassar? That's a school for girls. A girls school.

[Bert Gordon]

I found that out one day when I was supporting the laundry.

[Lou Costello]

Now see here, Mr. Costello.

Get me another lawyer.

Mr. Costello, I'm waiting.

Are you going to pay the fine of $1 or not?

Okay, here's your dollar store.

[Bert Gordon]

Just a minute, Mr. Kenshire. Mellow I forbid you to pay that particular dollar.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, he's very fortunate to get off with just a dollar after the way he insulted me. Why, when he choked my little dog, a tear ran down my cheek.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma' am. But I took one look at your face and ran right back up again.

Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian?

[Bert Gordon]

Yes, why not? You see, from the legal point of view, if you. If you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular.

[Lou Costello]

Perpendicular? What does that mean?

How dare you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, this is ridiculous. Come, Mr. Saw Cheese. We're taking this case to court.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm gonna pay the dollar. It's too late now. Look what you did, Abbott. You and your phony lawyer.

Don't be silly. The Russian's one of the greatest lawyers in the world.

[Bert Gordon]

That is correct. In my first case, I defended Dreyfus.

[Lou Costello]

Dreyfus? Alfred Dreyfus of Devil's Island?

[Bert Gordon]

No, reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island. Say, Mr. Castile, don't. Don't worry about the thing when I'm here. I'm a great intellectual. My stock in trade is brains.

[Lou Costello]

You got a funny looking sample case.

Now stop those remarks, Costello.

Get a load of his ears.

What's wrong with him?

Looks like the wind is blowing from his back.

[Bert Gordon]

Very funny.

[Lou Costello]

Very funny. Yes. You think it's funny?

[Bert Gordon]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Didn't I see you flying over Pomona?

[Bert Gordon]

No, it was Glendale.

[Lou Costello]

Oh.

[Bert Gordon]

What happened shouldn't happen to our dog.

[Lou Costello]

Logan, will you please take this style of Russian to down to the court and settle the case over.

[Bert Gordon]

Mind that body. Remember the words of that old saying, haste makes.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead, there's more.

Well, come on, Costello, let's go down to the court and fight this case. We'll win in no time.

[Bud Abbott]

Court of common pleas now in session. Case of Niles vs. Costello. Mr. Gordon may question the defendant.

[Bert Gordon]

Thank you, Your Honor. Now, Mr. Cantello, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

[Lou Costello]

I do. I object. You object? I didn't say nothing yet. Costello, shut up.

You keep out of this.

Abbott, get me out of here, will you? Will you pay the dollar?

[Bert Gordon]

Your honor, you have heard the testimony. How can you call mine client?

[Lou Costello]

Guilty. But I didn't call him guilty.

[Bert Gordon]

Then why are you wasting my time?

[Bud Abbott]

The court finds the defendant, Lou Costello, guilty. And the fine is $1 or 30 days.

[Lou Costello]

We won't pay the fine, Costello.

[Bert Gordon]

No, we'll appeal the case to a higher court. I got plenty time.

[Lou Costello]

You just got some for me.

[Bert Gordon]

Too.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, will you please give the man a dollar? Please give him a dollar.

[Bud Abbott]

Supreme Court's now in session. First case, Niles vs. Costello. The prisoner will step to the bar.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, are the chains heavy?

No. Would you mind holding this hundred pound ball? Abbott, get me out of this, please. Pay that one measly dollar.

[Bud Abbott]

Order in the court. Remember, I am justice.

[Lou Costello]

And I'm justice too.

[Bud Abbott]

Justice who?

[Lou Costello]

Just as good as you are.

[Bud Abbott]

You can't speak that way to me, young man. I've been sitting on this bench for 20 years.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just naturally lazy, eh? Wait, wait, let me handle this case.

[Bert Gordon]

Mr. Cantaloupe.

[Lou Costello]

Please tell the judge and.

[Bert Gordon]

Jury the story of your life.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that's enough. What a short life.

[Bert Gordon]

Your Honor, my client would never hurt a dog. Mr. Cornello, tell the judge about your own little dog.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. I once had a little dog.

[Bert Gordon]

Did he have long wavy hair?

[Mrs. Niles]

Uh huh.

[Bert Gordon]

And did he have a cold nose?

[Mrs. Niles]

Uh huh.

[Bert Gordon]

And did he have very big ears?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes, Papa.

[Bert Gordon]

Your Honor, I would like you to.

[Lou Costello]

Your Honor, I would like to ask.

[Bert Gordon]

My client just one question.

[Bud Abbott]

Request granted.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you.

[Bert Gordon]

Mr. Castellanets, tell me something. Where were you on the night of December 23rd, 1943?

[Lou Costello]

I was home.

[Bert Gordon]

You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. The defense.

[Lou Costello]

Alcatraz, here I come.

[Bud Abbott]

The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia, after which he bit two people who died immediately. Therefore, Lou Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree. And it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on the rock pile.

[Mrs. Niles]

Abbott, please pay the dollar.

[Lou Costello]

Right this way, gentlemen.

Only five minutes with a prisoner.

Hey, Abbott, get me out of here.

Costello, listen, we've got some news for you.

[Bert Gordon]

Absolutely. I just came from the Capitol.

[Lou Costello]

I saw the Governor. What did he say?

[Bert Gordon]

Paid a dollar.

[Lou Costello]

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, now, now, don't get excited. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Mrs. Lyles, what are you doing here?

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, Mr. Staurchise and I went to the Governor, paid the dollar and now everything's all straightened out. Costello, you're a free man.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, the only friend I got. Thanks, Mrs. Miles. Yes, Costello. We're sorry it all happened so. As a surprise, we brought a friend of yours to see you. Say hello to Mr. Costello.

Rover.

Rover. Costello. Costello, you spit me again.

Costello, you spit me.

You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're Choking Rover again. Costello, you're under arrest. That'll cost you a dollar. Don't pay the fine. We'll take it to the highest score. Here we go again. Let me out of here. Get me out of here. Get that.

Hey.

[Bud Abbott]

Evan and Cancella will be back in just a moment. Thanks.

[Lou Costello]

To the Yanks of the Week. Tonight we salute 1st Lt. Thomas H. Regan of Chicago an ordinance officer at an American air base in England. When the flying fortress exploded above his FIELD it scattered 16 live bombs over the countryside. When each was located, Lieutenant Regan went from one to the other. And though each might have blown him to bits he removed the fuse from all 16 bombs rendering them all harmless. In your honor, Lieutenant Thomas H. Regan the makers of Camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Bud Abbott]

Each of the four Camel shows honors a yank of the week. Sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million Camels sent free each week in this country. The traveling Camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than 3 1/2 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Saturday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the angst. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with their guest, Judy Canova. And now here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Lou Costello]

Thanks, Ken. We're a little late, so I'll just say good night. And a happy New Year to you all.

[Bud Abbott]

Be sure to tune in for another great Abbott and Costello show next week at the same time when our guest will be Judy Canova. And remember, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, get Camel. More flavor helps Camels hold up pack after pack. And now this is Chem Niles wishing you all a very pleasant holiday from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert Than any other tobacco in the whole world. Prince Albert's no bite Treated for cool tongue Happy smoking comfort crimp cut too to pack and burn and draw just right More pipes smoke Prince Albert it's the National Joy smoke this is the National Broadcasting Company.

[Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids]

Use of flavored tobacco by teens is a crisis. Tobacco companies use flavors like cotton candy, watermelon ice and cool mint to hook kids like me. They seem harmless, but they are. Addiction to nicotine sets us up for a lifetime of health problems. Oregon legislators can do something about it. Passing Senate Bill 702, A will keep flavored tobacco away from kids. But there are just a few short weeks left for lawmakers to act. Take action to protect kids like me@ flavorshookorgonkids.org paid for by the Campaign for.

[Mrs. Niles]

Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.