Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 The Lawyer with Bert Gordon

Summary

Podcast Summary: Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 The Lawyer with Bert Gordon

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 The Lawyer with Bert Gordon
• Release Date: June 25, 2025
• Description: Dive into the hilarious antics of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in this engaging episode from the Golden Age of Radio. Featuring guest Bert Gordon, "The Lawyer," this episode promises laughter, witty dialogues, and classic comedic scenarios.

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Introduction

In this episode of Abbott & Costello, listeners are transported back to December 30, 1943, immersing themselves in the timeless humor of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The show features a special guest, Bert Gordon, known as "The Mad Russian of Radio," who plays the role of a lawyer in a series of comedic legal mishaps involving Costello. The episode is peppered with the duo's signature slapstick humor, witty wordplay, and humorous misunderstandings.

Main Plot

The Dog Dilemma

The episode kicks off with a comedic dispute between Bud Abbott and Lou Costello over a dog named Rover, a present Costello received from Mrs. Niles for Christmas. Costello claims that Rover bit him, leading to a humorous back-and-forth about the dog's breed and behavior.

• Costello's Complaint:

  • [01:24] Lou Costello: "Mrs. Niles, gimme a dog for Christmas present. And the dog just took a great big bite out of me."

• Abbott's Skepticism:

  • [02:07] Bud Abbott: "What is the dog's breed?"

The conversation escalates as Costello humorously misinterprets Abbott's questions, leading to exaggerated claims about Rover's intelligence and peculiarities.

Legal Troubles

Mrs. Niles confronts Costello over the incident, prompting Abbott and Costello to seek legal assistance. Enter Bert Gordon, portrayed as an eccentric lawyer whose unconventional methods add to the comedic tension.

• Introduction of Bert Gordon:
  • [19:38] Bud Abbott: "Costello? This is your attorney, Bert Gordon. The Mad Russian."

Gordon's lackluster legal advice and Costello's ineptitude in handling the situation culminate in a mock courtroom battle filled with misunderstandings and humorous legal jargon.

Courtroom Chaos

The courtroom scenes are packed with comedic exchanges as Costello tries to defend himself with Bert Gordon's questionable legal strategies. The judge, played by Ken Niles, struggles to maintain order amidst the chaos.

• Costello's Objections:

  • [23:21] Lou Costello: "I do. I object. You object? I didn't say nothing yet. Costello, shut up."

• Gordon's Arbitration:

  • [21:20] Bert Gordon: "From the legal point of view, if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular."

The trial ends with Costello being humorously found guilty of murder in the second degree, only to have the situation resolved abruptly when Mrs. Niles and others intervene, mocking the legal proceedings further.

Key Characters

• Bud Abbott: The straight man of the duo, Abbott plays the role of the rational counterpart trying to manage Costello's antics.

• Lou Costello: The bumbling and comical character whose misadventures drive the episode's plot.

• Bert Gordon (The Mad Russian): A guest character portraying an unconventional lawyer whose ineffective legal advice adds to the humor.

• Mrs. Niles: The irate pet owner demanding justice, serving as a catalyst for the ensuing legal chaos.

• Ken Niles: The judge overseeing the courtroom proceedings, attempting to keep order amidst the comedic turmoil.

Notable Quotes and Moments

• On the Dog's Behavior:

  • [01:41] Lou Costello: "This was his brother. Weak Stomach."

• Costello's Legal Misunderstandings:

  • [10:02] Lou Costello: "A what?"
  • [10:04] Bud Abbott: "Don't you know what a barrister is?"

• Bert Gordon's Legal Advice:

  • [19:52] Bert Gordon: "Don't bend the card."

• Courtroom Antics:

  • [23:21] Lou Costello: "I do. I object."
  • [24:36] Ken Niles: "Only five minutes with a prisoner."

• Resolution:

  • [27:15] Mrs. Niles: "Well, Mr. Storches and I went to the governor, paid the dollar and now everything's all straightened out. Costello, you're a free man."

Insights and Themes

Humorous Legal Satire: The episode cleverly parodies the legal system through exaggerated courtroom scenarios and incompetent legal representation. Bert Gordon's character serves as a satire of ineffective lawyers, highlighting the absurdities that can occur within legal proceedings.

Character Dynamics: The interplay between Abbott's patience and Costello's frantic antics creates a dynamic that is both engaging and entertaining. Their chemistry is quintessentially comedic, relying on timing and exaggerated reactions to elicit laughter.

Recurring Humor Elements: Themes such as misunderstandings, slapstick comedy, and witty wordplay are prevalent throughout the episode. The recurring joke about the dollar fine serves as a humorous plot device that ties the various comedic elements together.

Conclusion

"Abbott & Costello 43-12-30 The Lawyer with Bert Gordon" is a quintessential example of the classic comedic brilliance of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Through a blend of witty dialogues, exaggerated characters, and humorous legal mishaps, the episode delivers laughter and entertainment reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio. The inclusion of Bert Gordon's unconventional legal advice adds an extra layer of humor, making this episode a standout showcase of the duo's timeless appeal.

Listeners who enjoy slapstick humor, clever wordplay, and the charm of classic radio comedy will find this episode particularly delightful. Whether revisiting familiar jokes or discovering new comedic twists, "The Lawyer with Bert Gordon" offers a rich and engaging listening experience that encapsulates the essence of Abbott & Costello's enduring legacy.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• [01:24] Lou Costello: "Mrs. Niles, gimme a dog for Christmas present. And the dog just took a great big bite out of me."

• [19:38] Bud Abbott: "Costello? This is your attorney, Bert Gordon. The Mad Russian."

• [23:21] Lou Costello: "I do. I object. You object? I didn't say nothing yet. Costello, shut up."

• [21:20] Bert Gordon: "From the legal point of view, if you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular."

• [27:15] Mrs. Niles: "Costello, you're a free man."

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Enjoyed this summary? Tune into Harold's Old Time Radio for more nostalgic journeys through the golden era of radio entertainment!

Transcript

[Sasha]

Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan and they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course, a great shower. Expedia Made to travel.

[Ken Niles]

The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddy Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's special guest, Bert Gordon, the mad Russian of radio. And starring Bud Abbott and Lu Costa.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello, here it is, the last program of 1943. And you're late again. Now, where have you been?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me.

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Mrs. Niles, gimme a dog for Christmas present. And the dog just took a great big bite out of me.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did he bite you?

[Lou Costello]

Well, if I'd have been wearing a license plate, he'd have got the last three numbers.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did this happen?

[Lou Costello]

Well, let me see now. Where did this happen? In a crowded streetcar. It's the first time I ever gave my sheet to a dog. Right.

[Bud Abbott]

No, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?

[Lou Costello]

Well, do you remember that famous dog, Strong Heart?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, I remember. Strong Heart.

[Lou Costello]

Well, this was his brother. Weak Stomach.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, I'm not talking about that. What is the dog's breed?

[Lou Costello]

What does his breed? Yeah, he breeds to his nose like you and me.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, you dummy. What type of a dog is he?

[Lou Costello]

Spitz? No, but he drools a little.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, there are different types of dogs such as setters and pointers.

[Lou Costello]

That's it, Abbott. That's what he is. He's a set of pointers.

[Bud Abbott]

A set of pointers?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, he sets all damn points at the ice box. Hey, that's the dog. Now, Abbott, he's out in the hall. Come on, Rover. Come on, Rover. Come on in the door. I said come in the door, not through the door.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, Costello. Lou, this is a wonderful dog.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, listen to him. Just my luck to get a dog with asthma.

[Bud Abbott]

Now cut that out. I'm going to show you how to handle dogs. Come here. Over. Tell me, how much is one and one?

[Lou Costello]

Did you hear that, Costello? I missed it. I was here.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll try again. Rover, how much is two and Two. I told you he was a smart dog.

[Lou Costello]

I was gonna see if he's really smart. Abbott. Rover. What time is it? Quarter to four.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, isn't that the most wonderful thing you ever heard of? A talking dog?

[Lou Costello]

Talking dog. Where'd I get the phone? Hello? Yes. What? Oh, you don't think so, eh? Okay, smarty, Goodbye. How do you like that, Abbott? That was a friend of mine. He doesn't think there's anything wonderful about a talking dog.

[Bud Abbott]

Who's your friend?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just a horse. Come in and make it funny. It's costing camels a lot of money.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, it's Keniles.

[Lou Costello]

Well, if it isn't the spirit of £76.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, yeah, look who's talking. Listen, fat boy, why don't you unbutton your vest and open up a second front?

[Lou Costello]

Very funny, Skinny.

[Ken Niles]

Very funny.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, Costello, Ken Niles is not skinny.

[Lou Costello]

He's not skinny, huh? He once worked in an olive factory. He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimento in after him.

[Bud Abbott]

But pay no attention to Costello. Ken, I'm ashamed of him. He doesn't even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas.

[Ken Niles]

Yeah, and what's more, he didn't even thank her for it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes, I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head.

[Bud Abbott]

Why didn't you kiss her on the lips?

[Lou Costello]

Her head is much smoother.

[Mrs. Niles]

I heard that remark, Costello. Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.

[Lou Costello]

Me, a shrimp?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, you're a shrimp. You only come up to my chin.

[Lou Costello]

Which one?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, Costello, are you suggesting that I look old?

[Lou Costello]

Well, don't look now, but your Social Security slip is showing.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, how can you talk like that to Mrs. Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas when you gave her nothing?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't know why you say nothing. Didn't I give her a picture? Get her picture published in a paper?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yes, but look where they put it in the Racing News.

[Lou Costello]

Well, ain't that the dope sheet.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, just look at this picture. Read what it says under it.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I don't think that. Oh, look what it says. This snack showed great promise as a three year old but is now running in cheap company.

[Bud Abbott]

Castello, that's an insult.

[Mrs. Niles]

It most certainly is. And I'm leaving.

[Lou Costello]

Then take the dog Rover with you. Every time he looks at me, he bites me.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, that's silly. Rover hasn't got a tooth in his mouth.

[Lou Costello]

I know that. They're all on my leg.

[Mrs. Niles]

You can't talk that way. About Rover. Why, I love that little dog almost as much as I do cat.

[Ken Niles]

Even more you gave him a longer leash.

[Mrs. Niles]

Come on, Rover, I'm taking you home. And don't even look at Mr. Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Get out of here, Epic. He bit me again.

[Mrs. Niles]

Take your foot out of Rover's mouth. You're trying to choke him.

[Lou Costello]

Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, leave that dog alone.

[Lou Costello]

He won't leave his foot.

[Mrs. Niles]

Costello, just because you don't like me, you're trying to choke poor Rover. You'll regret this. I'll drag you through every court in the land. I'll even take it to the Supreme Court. And I'll stand before the judge and tell him my story. And when the judge looks into my face, what do you think he'll say?

[Ken Niles]

Into a Japanese held inlet right under enemy guns, slides an American PT boat out again on her daily routine hunt for Jap supply barges. They've got what it takes, these men of the Plywood Navy. And so has their cigarettes. Camels first with men in all the services according to actual sales record, both at home and overseas. More people want Camel cigarettes. But remember, if your store is temporarily sold out, Camels are worth asking for again. They've always got more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. And wherever you are, wherever you send Camels, they stay fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Camel's tobacco standard is the same for soldier for civilian anywhere in the world. 3:00am E, L, F Camel cigarettes. They stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Freddie Rich and the orchestra play an unusual arrangement of David Ro Rose's lovely composition Holiday for strength.

[Lou Costello]

It'S Sam.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, let's get busy. Come on, let's get busy. Mrs. Niles will be here soon with a warrant for your rest for choking that dog Evan.

[Lou Costello]

I've told you before now, I didn't choke a dog. He bit me.

[Bud Abbott]

I know that. But you'll need a lawyer now. We've got to find a good barrister.

[Lou Costello]

A what?

[Bud Abbott]

Don't you know what a barrister is? Oh, yeah.

[Lou Costello]

I used to slide down a barrister when I was a kid.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, don't be silly. A barrister is a legal expert. The greatest barrister of all times was Gladstone. I suppose you never heard of Gladstone.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, certainly I heard of Gladstone. My uncle had Gladstone, but he had to have them cut out.

[Bud Abbott]

How can you talk nonsense when you may have to face the. Listen. Will you listen to me, please?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

How can you talk all this nonsense when you may have to face a lawsuit for thousands of dollars. And where do you expect to get the money?

[Lou Costello]

Why do you say, where do you expect to get the money? You know where I expect to get the money. What do you mean, you're gonna help me out?

[Bud Abbott]

How can I help you? I'm a pauper.

[Lou Costello]

A pauper. Congratulations.

[Bud Abbott]

What is it, a boy or a girl? Never mind that. I'd still like to know where you're going to get the money.

[Lou Costello]

Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming. Now, this is the end of the year. No more after this.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

You know, 365 days in a year.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I know that I'm working for.

[Lou Costello]

You, and you owe me a whole year's salary. 365 days for $365.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

You owe me a dollar a day or something. Just a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

Let's straighten this out.

[Lou Costello]

Pay me out.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. You say you work 365 days for me and you want to be reimbursed?

[Lou Costello]

Look, I don't want to burst anything. Just give me my money. 365 bucks I'll get out. Hand over some of those Morgenthau mash notes.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, now, don't get excited. Take it easy. Now, listen. How many hours a day did you work?

[Lou Costello]

Eight hours a day.

[Bud Abbott]

And how many hours are there in a day?

[Lou Costello]

Look, now, Abbott, don't try to put anything over on me. There's 24 hours in a day. All but February, which has 28.

[Bud Abbott]

You're absolutely right. 24 hours in a day. But by working eight hours a day, you really only work one third of each day.

[Lou Costello]

Is that right? That's according to the way you figure it.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, One third of 365 is about $121. So you actually only have $121 coming to you? That's the way I reckon it.

[Lou Costello]

You sure are reckon it. Come on, get it up.

[Bud Abbott]

Give me the dough. Well, you did have $121 coming to you.

[Lou Costello]

But I knew there was a butt in it.

[Bud Abbott]

But you didn't work Sundays, did you?

[Lou Costello]

No, I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year. Deduct 52 from $121, which leaves $69 coming to you.

[Lou Costello]

You're sure of that?

[Bud Abbott]

Positive.

[Lou Costello]

You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, that's mighty nice of you to look out for my interest.

[Lou Costello]

I might as well look out for yours. You already Wrecked mine. Come on, Abbott, give me the money. Get up something, will you?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, I'd be glad to give you the $69.

[Lou Costello]

But hold on to your hats. Here we go again. Look, Abbott, give me a couple of dollars. How's that?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you must admit you only worked a half a day on Saturdays. Isn't that right, partner?

[Lou Costello]

Partner? Now that I'm losing money, I'm a partner. Look, will you give me a dollar? I'll sell. Give me a half a buck.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just a second. Just a minute. Now wait a minute. Where was I?

[Lou Costello]

You just had a toe hole on my $69.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, yes, yes. A half a day on Saturdays. 52 Saturdays in a year. One half of 52 is 26. So you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving the sum of $43.

[Lou Costello]

Sum of?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, sum of.

[Lou Costello]

If I get some of it, I'll be lucky. Look at it. Give me a quarter, will you? Let me have a quarter. Give me 20 cents.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, now, wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

I'm going out of here with something.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, wait a minute, just a minute. There's still a balance of $43.

[Ken Niles]

But.

[Lou Costello]

Stop, button, you're getting my goat.

[Bud Abbott]

But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

That's 14 days. Take 14 from $43, leaving you the exact sum of $29.

[Lou Costello]

Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime? Is that asking too much? Will you give me ty and give me anything?

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, I'd give you the $29, but.

[Lou Costello]

Now I know it as good as you do.

[Bud Abbott]

How much time did you take off for lunch?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, this is gonna run into money. I took off one hour a day.

[Bud Abbott]

Very well. 365 hours is equal to 15 days, I take it?

[Lou Costello]

You might as well take it. You've taken everything out. 15 penny 14. But now I know it better than you do. Look, Abbott, give me. Will you give me a nickel?

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean, give me four pennies? What do you mean, give you four pennies?

[Lou Costello]

Look, can you spare a rat biscuit? Now, last. Maybe you got a odd mothball.

[Bud Abbott]

A mothball?

[Lou Costello]

Look, is it? Ask a. Give me a sardine. Go ahead. Mrs. Niles is going to have me in a can anyway.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. Let's straighten this thing out. There are 13 holidays in a year which you didn't work. And as you only have 14 coming to you, we deduct the 13 from the 14, leaving you the exact same sum of $1. Here you are, my dear.

[Lou Costello]

Friend.

[Bud Abbott]

And good luck to you.

[Lou Costello]

Nice work, Abbott. I need money for a lawyer because Mrs. Niles is going to throw me in jail and you're giving me only a dollar.

[Bud Abbott]

Let's have no more words about it.

[Lou Costello]

One measly dollar. After I worked enslaved for you for a whole year.

[Bud Abbott]

I always pay my obligations. Here's your dollars.

[Lou Costello]

I wouldn't mind, Abbott. I wouldn't care if it was just for me alone.

[Sasha]

Ben hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a month. So during one of his restless nights, he booked a package trip abroad on Expedia. When he arrived at his beachside hotel, he discovered a miraculous bed slung between two trees and fell into the best sleep of his life. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights and hotels and hammocks for less Expedia. Made to travel.

[Lou Costello]

I need more than a dollar. I got another mouth to feed.

[Bud Abbott]

Now listen, your travels are not my. Wait a minute.

[Lou Costello]

You what? I have another mouth to feed.

[Bud Abbott]

Another mouth to feed? You never told me that.

[Lou Costello]

I know it.

[Bud Abbott]

Why? You've been with me all this time, Costello, and now you tell me you have another mouth to feed.

[Lou Costello]

I didn't want Winchield to hear it.

[Bud Abbott]

Why didn't you tell me that before?

[Lou Costello]

I was ashamed.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, you fortunate fellow. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I, I, I was only kidding about the other money. Here. Here's your $365. To show you that my heart's in the right place, here's $50 of my own. You should be so happy. What is it, a boy or a girl?

[Lou Costello]

A goldfish. Get out of here.

[Ken Niles]

Tommy Haynes introduces a new song destined for the top of the list. You've got to talk me into it, baby.

[Tommy Haynes]

You got to talk me into into it. Talk me into it, baby. A little conversation might change my. Not to us Maybe you gotta spread it on dick like butter on bread. Results will be quick if you just use your head. I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you. You got a baby tuck me to talk me into it, baby. Or if it's Mendelssohn you hear I might lend an ear maybe For I'm a cinch for clinch she plays for a praise of love words. Now that I've told you how talk me into it. Now you've got a baby dog I can talk me into it, baby. A little conversation might change my node to her. Maybe you gotta spread it on thick like butter on bread. Results will be quick if you just use your head I'm a baby lamb and I love to be led by you youu got a baby dog with your dog into it baby boy if it's Mandelstun you hear I might land an ear maybe But I'm a cinch boy for clinch a blaze for phrase I want your love, that's all that I crave I've told you how yes, I've told you how. You've got to talk me into it now.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Costello, where are you? Here I am.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute of the place you want to arrest. But don't worry, I hired a lawyer to defend you. I got my own personal mouthpiece.

[Lou Costello]

You mean your wife?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no. When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth and lays down the law.

[Lou Costello]

That's still your wife there.

[Mrs. Niles]

There's the man who choked my dog, that little fat one. This is Oliver Storchise of the Animal Aid Society. Mr. Storches, arrest that man.

[Lou Costello]

Very well, Mr. Costello, you're under arrest. What's that? Come with me. I won't. Oh, darn it.

[Bud Abbott]

Nobody ever wants to come along.

[Lou Costello]

Now leave us.

[Bud Abbott]

Face it.

[Lou Costello]

You either come with me or pay the usual fine of $1. Oh, just a dollar. Did you hear that, Abbott? I can get out of the whole thing for a dollar. Here you are, Mr. Store Cheese. I'd be glad to get a just.

[Bud Abbott]

You down a minute, Costello. Paying that money would be an admission of your guilt.

[Lou Costello]

Shut up. Now, wait a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

Just a minute. I hired a lawyer for you after all.

[Lou Costello]

I can get out of this for a thousand. Just a minute.

[Bud Abbott]

I've hired your lawyer. He's an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor and an expert at jurisprudence. His very voice has been known to spell by the jury. I can hear him now.

[Bert Gordon]

Say, how do you do.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello? This is your attorney, Bert Gordon. The Mad Russian.

[Bert Gordon]

Gentlemen, my car.

[Lou Costello]

Let me read that. Bert Gordon, attorney at Law, dbtc. What does a DBTC mean?

[Bert Gordon]

Don't bend the card.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, Costello, the Russian's going to give you some advice now.

[Bert Gordon]

That is correct, Mr. Castoria. There are. There are two courses in giving legal advice. Of course. And because, of course, you don't have to take my advice and because if you do, you'll have to pay for it.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but this guy ain't no lawyer.

[Bert Gordon]

Don't say that. Duh. Don't say. When I went to college they gave me a five better Kappa key.

[Lou Costello]

Does it fit the hole in your head?

[Bud Abbott]

Please, Costello, he's no college man.

[Bert Gordon]

My dear, you. I'll have you understand, I went to Vassar.

[Lou Costello]

Vassar? That's a school for girls. A girls school.

[Bert Gordon]

I found that out one day when I was supporting the laundry.

[Lou Costello]

Now see here, Mr. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Get me another lawyer.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Costello, I'm waiting.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you going to pay the fine of $1 or not?

[Lou Costello]

Okay, here's your dollar store.

[Bert Gordon]

Just a minute, Mr. Gens. I forbid you to pay that particular dollar.

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, he's very fortunate to get off with just a dollar after the way he insulted me. Why, when he choked my little dog, a tear ran down my cheek.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, ma' am. But I took one look at your face and ran right back up again.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, why don't you listen to the Russian?

[Bert Gordon]

Yes, why not? You see, from the legal point of view, if you. If you should pay this dollar, it would be absolutely perpendicular.

[Lou Costello]

Perpendicular? What does that mean?

[Bud Abbott]

How dare you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, this is ridiculous. Come, Mr. Storcheese, we're taking this case to court.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm gonna pay the dollar. It's too late now. Look what you did, Abbott. You and your phony lawyer.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be silly. The Russian's one of the greatest lawyers in the world.

[Lou Costello]

That is correct.

[Bert Gordon]

In my first case, I defended Dreyfus.

[Lou Costello]

Dreyfus? Alfred Dreyfus of Devil's Island?

[Bert Gordon]

No, reckless Dreyfus from Coney Island. Say, Mr. Castile, don't. Don't worry about the thing when I'm here. I'm a great intellectual. My stock in trade is brains.

[Lou Costello]

You got a funny looking sample case.

[Bud Abbott]

Now stop those remarks, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Get a load of his ears.

[Bud Abbott]

What's wrong with him?

[Lou Costello]

Looks like the wind is blowing from his back.

[Bert Gordon]

That's very funny.

[Lou Costello]

Very funny.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

You think it's funny? Yes. Didn't I see you flying over Pomona?

[Bert Gordon]

No, it was Glendale.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, what happened shouldn't happen to our dog.

[Lou Costello]

Logan, will you please take this sour Russian to down to the court and.

[Bert Gordon]

Settle the case over Mind that body. Remember the words of that old saying, haste makes.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead, there's more.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, come on, Costello. Let's go down to the court and fight this case. We'll win in no time.

[Ken Niles]

Court of Common Pleas now in session. Case of Niles vs. Costello. Mr. Mr. Gordon may question the defendant.

[Bert Gordon]

Thank you, Your Honor. Now, Mr. Cantello, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

[Lou Costello]

I do. I object. You object? I didn't say nothing yet. Costello, shut up.

[Bud Abbott]

You keep out of this.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, get me out of here, will you? Will you pay the dollar?

[Bert Gordon]

Your Honor, you have heard the testimony. How can you call mine client guilty?

[Ken Niles]

But I didn't call him guilty.

[Bert Gordon]

Then why are you wasting my time?

[Ken Niles]

The court finds the defendant, Lou Costello, guilty. And the fine is $1 or 30 days.

[Bud Abbott]

We won't pay the fine, Costello.

[Bert Gordon]

No, we'll appeal the case to a higher court. I got plenty time.

[Lou Costello]

You just got some for me too. Abbott, will you please give the man a dollar? Please give him a dollar.

[Ken Niles]

Supreme court's now in session. First case, Niles versus Costello. The prisoner will step to the bar.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, are the chains heavy?

[Lou Costello]

No. Would you mind holding this hundred pound ball? Abbott, it the oddities, please pay that one measly dollar.

[Ken Niles]

Order in the court. Remember, I am justice.

[Lou Costello]

And I'm justice too.

[Ken Niles]

Justice who?

[Lou Costello]

Just as good as you are.

[Ken Niles]

You can't speak that way to me, young man. I've been sitting on this bench for 20 years.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, just naturally lazy, eh? Wait, wait. Let me handle this case.

[Bert Gordon]

Mr. Cantaloupe, please tell the judge and jury the story of your life.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that's enough. What a short life.

[Bert Gordon]

Your Honor, my client would never hurt a dog. Mr. Cornello, tell the judge about your own little dog.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. I once had a little dog.

[Bert Gordon]

Did he have long wavy hair? And did he have a cold nose?

[Mrs. Niles]

Huh?

[Bert Gordon]

And did he have very big ears?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes.

[Bert Gordon]

Your Honor, I would like. Your Honor, I would like to ask my client just one question.

[Ken Niles]

Request granted.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you.

[Bert Gordon]

Mr. Kostalanets, tell me something. Where were you on the night of December 23rd, 1943?

[Lou Costello]

I was home.

[Bert Gordon]

You should have been with me. I had a wonderful time. The defense rest.

[Lou Costello]

Alcatraz, here I come.

[Ken Niles]

The court has considered the new evidence in this case. Prisoner Costello, when you placed your foot in the dog's mouth, you gave him hydrophobia, after which he bit two people who died immediately. Therefore, Lou Costello, you are found guilty of murder in the second degree. And it is the sentence of this court that you shall spend the rest of your natural life on. The rock pile.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, please pay the dollar. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Ken Niles]

Only five minutes with a prisoner.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, get me out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, listen, we've got some news for you.

[Bert Gordon]

Absolutely. I just came from the Capitol.

[Lou Costello]

I saw the Governor.

[Mrs. Niles]

What did he say?

[Bert Gordon]

Pay the dollar.

[Lou Costello]

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, now, now, don't get excited.

[Bud Abbott]

Come, Mrs. L. What are you doing here?

[Mrs. Niles]

Well, Mr. Storches and I went to the governor, paid the dollar and now everything's all straightened out. Costello, you're a free man.

[Lou Costello]

Gee, the only friend I got. Thanks, Mrs. Lyles. Yes, Costello. We're sorry it all happened so. As a surprise, we brought a friend.

[Bud Abbott]

Of yours to see you.

[Lou Costello]

Say hello to Mr. Costello. Rover. Rover. Costello. Costello. You again, Costello. Costelli. You've got your foot in the dog's mouth. You're choking Rover again. Costello, you're under arrest. That'll cost you a dollar.

[Bert Gordon]

Don't pay the fine, we'll take it.

[Lou Costello]

To the highest court. Here we go again. Let me out of here. Get me out of here.

[Mrs. Niles]

Get that paid.

[Ken Niles]

Evan and Costello will be back in just a moment.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks to the Yanks of the Week. Tonight we salute 1st Lt. Thomas H. Regan of Chicago an ordinance officer at an American air base in England. When the flying fortress exploded above his FIELD it scattered 16 live bombs over the countryside. When each was located, Lieutenant Regan went from one to the other and though each might have blown him to bits he removed the fuse from all 16 bombs rendering them all harmless. In your honor, Lieutenant Thomas H. Regan the makers of Camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Ken Niles]

Each of the four Camel shows honors. A yank of the week sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels set free each week in this country. The traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than 3 1/2 million yanks with free shows and free Camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore. Saturday to Bob Hawk. In thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guest, Judy Canova. And now here's Abbott and Costello with a final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. We're a little late, so I'll just say good night. And a happy New Year to you all.

[Ken Niles]

Be sure to tune in for another great Abbott and Costello show next week at the same time when our guest will be Judy Canova. And remember, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke. Get Camel. More flavor. Helps Camels hold up pack after pack. And now this is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant holiday from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Prince Albert's no bite treated for cool tongue Happy smoking comfort Crimp cut too, to pack and burn and draw just right more pipes. Smoke, Prince Albert. It's the National Joy.

[Lou Costello]

Smoke.

[Ken Niles]

This is the National Broadcasting Company.