Abbott & Costello 44-01-20 (048) Football Game with Harold Peary

Summary

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Abbott & Costello 44-01-20 (048): "Football Game with Harold Peary"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: October 20, 2025
Featuring: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve (Harold Peary), Mrs. Niles, Ken Niles, Little Hector, Tommy Pumpkins

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Episode Overview

This lively episode from the "Abbott & Costello" radio series features the comedic duo squaring off in a mock football game against Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve, played by Harold Peary. As families of the 1940s once gathered around their radios, listeners are treated to a whirlwind of puns, slapstick, rapid banter, and classic showbiz rivalry. The show pulls in running gags, character bits, and musical numbers, all set against the backdrop of old-time radio’s golden age.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Banter and Wordplay: The Opening Story

• Shipyard Mishap: Lou Costello recounts accidentally being launched out to sea after a shipyard prank, using classic misunderstanding and pun-heavy dialogue with Abbott.

  • “One of those red hot rivets landed… in my back pocket. Before I knew it, I was four miles out to sea under my own steam, too.” (01:27, Costello)

• Colano/Colonel Gag: Lou mixes up military terms, much to Abbott’s frustration, exemplifying their signature routine of language mix-ups.

  • “He fought with the original 13 colonelies.”—Costello (02:22)

2. Trouble With Little Hector

• Reluctant Babysitting: Abbott informs Costello he must watch over the mischievous "Little Hector," setting up a series of escalating pranks.

  • “Oh, a broken shoulder blade.” (03:26, Costello, when asked what kind of present he’d give Hector)
  • Hector’s troublemaking includes pouring ink in Costello’s bathtub and more slapstick incidents.

• Classic Insults and Comebacks: Banter between the cast is quick and biting, especially involving Mrs. Niles and Hector.

  • “Last year? Did you speak to him about it? — No, I only discovered it yesterday.” (03:38, Abbott & Costello)

3. Pranks and Escalation: The BB Gun Incident

• Gunplay Gone Awry: Little Hector brings a BB gun, leading to slapstick consequences for Gildersleeve, fueling rivalry between Gildersleeve and Costello.
  • “Are those BBs in your face? — Well, it ain’t caviar.” (06:40–06:42, Bud Abbott & Hector)
  • Gildersleeve demands satisfaction after being struck, but the gag ends with Costello outwitting him with a chalk line.
  • “Now you’re on my side.” (08:17, Costello)

4. Musical Break & More Shenanigans

• Kitten on the Keys: Little Hector literalizes a musical pun by putting a cat in the piano, while Costello continues the show's blend of chaos and wordplay.

  • “My teacher told me to practice Kitten on the keys.” (11:23, Little Hector)

• Introducing Tommy Pumpkins: The character Tommy, who cannot pronounce the letter "T," teams up with Hector for a musical interlude, playing various instruments with mangled wordplay for comedic effect.

  • “You’re talking for the most prolific trumpet player that ever pooted a pirate trumpet from Pimbuck. Poo Poo Pennessee.” (12:27, Tommy Pumpkins)

5. The Build-up: Football Challenge

• Football Talk: Costello claims former football glory, sparking Gildersleeve to issue a challenge, each offering comedically exaggerated stakes should they lose.
  • “If I don’t win this game, I’m going to retire to the cellar of Tony’s Fish Market where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel and have Tony slap me in the puss with a wet barracuda.” (17:21, Costello)

6. The Main Event: The Football Game

• Live Sportscast Parody: Ken Niles ‘broadcasts’ play-by-play as the "Gildersleeve Nanny Goats" take on the "Costello Maroons" (with a slip turning ‘Maroons’ into ‘Morons’ for laughs).

  • “We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the Gildersleeved Nanny Goats and the Costello Morons. Oh, pardon me. That’s Maroons.” (20:07, Ken Niles)

• Mock Team Rituals: Both teams sing nonsensical school songs, with Costello’s rendition devolving into pure silliness.

  • “Hip hop Protocol. Act protocol. Rip Hall. Throw the hole in. Peep peep, peep.” (22:02, Costello)

• Game Hijinks: The match is a farce of mistaken identities, pratfalls, and misused rules:

  • “Where’s your football helmet? — I don’t need a helmet. — But how are you going to protect your head? — I’m wearing my hair piled up this season.” (22:38–22:45, Abbott & Costello)
  • “Sign signals: One, two, butt my shoe. Three, four. Shut the door… Hike!” (24:13–24:16, Gildersleeve & Costello)

• Gag Touchdown and Conclusions: The game concludes with comic confusion and slapstick violence, not a real score.

  • “Costello, Gilly’s running around his own end.” — “He’s running around his own end. That’s a neat trick if he can do it.” (24:18–24:21, Abbott & Costello)
  • “Jiggers the cop.” — “No, that’s the referee.” (23:13–23:21, Hector & Costello)

7. Aftermath and Inventory

• Inventory Gag: Abbott, Costello, and Gildersleeve review their 'injuries' after the game, before another classic mix-up closes the show.
  • “Let me see now. I’ve got two arms. — And I got two arms… Wait a minute, Gildersleeve. I’ll never be able to face my public again.—Why not?—I’m wearing your hat. — Oh, get out of here.” (26:28–26:39, Gildersleeve, Costello, Abbott)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Costello’s lament on military language:
  “Oh, no, I never went to Kerlidge.” (02:41, Lou Costello)

• BBs or caviar?:
  “Are those BBs in your face? — Well, it ain’t caviar.” (06:40–06:42, Abbott & Hector)

• Absurd consequences:
  “If I should not emerge victorious, I shall retire to a mountain fastness where as a measure of self punishment, I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the woodpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals.” (17:03, Gildersleeve)

• Team songs:
  “Mary the Danny ghost you’ll find will always come from behind Forever Mary Hugh.” (21:43, Costello as Gildersleeve team song)
  “Hip hop Protocol. Act protocol. Rip Hall. Throw the hole in. Peep peep, peep.” (22:02, Costello’s team song)

• Final mix-up:
  “I’ll never be able to face my public again. — Why not? — I’m wearing your hat. — Oh, get out of here.” (26:37–26:39, Costello, Gildersleeve, Abbott)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Banter/Shenanigans: 01:11–06:55
• BB Gun/First Gildersleeve Showdown: 06:55–08:17
• Musical Puns ("Kitten on the Keys") & Tommy Pumpkins: 11:19–13:31
• Football Bragging & Challenge: 15:00–17:45
• Musical Number (Shoo Shoo Baby): 17:46–19:51
• Football Game Begins (Play-by-Play Parody): 20:02–25:41
• Post-Game 'Inventory' and Close: 26:17–26:41

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Episode Takeaway

This episode is a classic showcase of Abbott and Costello’s chemistry, featuring non-stop puns, vaudeville routines, and slapstick comedy layered with running gags and supporting cast antics. The football game setup, with its faux broadcast and absurd rules, is a perfect vessel for the duo’s timing and rivalry with Gildersleeve, while side stories and musical bits fill out a vibrant variety hour. A must-listen for fans of vintage radio comedy!

Transcript

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[Lou Costello]

C K M E L S the.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Abbott and Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Haynes. Tonight's Harold Perry, the Great Gilder sleeve. And starring Bud Abbott and Lil Costello.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hey, A.B.

[Lou Costello]

Now what's wrong?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, what's wrong now?

[Lou Costello]

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Hey, Abbott, a terrible thing just happened. I was invited down to the shipyards where they're building a brand new ship and I got caught between two guys that were throwing hot river.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

What happened? One of those red hot rivets landed.

[Little Hector]

In my back pocket.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Before I knew it, I was four miles out to sea under my own steam, too.

[Bud Abbott]

How did they save you, Lou? Did they throw you a breeches, boy?

[Lou Costello]

No, I came back without any breeches, kid.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, you made a fool of yourself again.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but I burned my breeches behind me.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, dark sense. What were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place?

[Lou Costello]

I forgot to tell you. See, Abbott, my cousin Hugo was a sailor down there. He's in the Signal Corps. The Signal Corps? Yeah. He keeps signaling his mother to get him out. Oh, I'm so ashamed of my cousin Hugo. You are? I mean, after all, the Castellos have always been very brave people. My great grandfather was a Colano in the army. A Colano?

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, Colano, you dummy.

[Lou Costello]

That klanos, that's a pretty high route. No, no, no, not Kalano.

[Little Hector]

It is.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, you see, that word is pronounced Colonel.

[Lou Costello]

Colonel?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, Colonel. Where did he fight?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, my uncle, he fought with the original 13 colonelies.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, Costello. Let's colony.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, colony. You said it was kernelly. Now make up your mind.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, look, it's very simple. In military parlance, C, O, L is pronounced col, as in colonel. Yeah, don't you know that?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, I never went to Kerlidge.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Oh.

[Little Hector]

Not me.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, I know.

[Little Hector]

I quit.

[Lou Costello]

Girl at the age of fer. All right, all right, all right.

[Bud Abbott]

That's enough.

[Lou Costello]

Well, it ain't all right after I quit. Scurr. I got a gerb. Inverteval.

[Bud Abbott]

A juggler.

[Lou Costello]

A jerk. Look, are you finished? No. 1m. What? Abbott. What? Oh, that's your line.

[Little Hector]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what is it now?

[Bud Abbott]

What's next?

[Lou Costello]

Never mind that joke sunk. Look, look, will you cut it out?

[Bud Abbott]

I have something important to tell you. Mrs. Niles called up a few minutes ago and she wants you to take care of her nephew, Little Hector.

[Little Hector]

Not Little Hector.

[Lou Costello]

That ain't for me, brother. I ain't going to take care of that little brat like me brother.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, now, you mean you don't like Little Hector?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I like him.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

That's.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'd like to give him a present.

[Bud Abbott]

What kind of a present?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, a broken shoulder blade.

[Bud Abbott]

That's no way to talk. What did Little Hector ever do to you?

[Lou Costello]

What did he do?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Why, the guy, he poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year.

[Bud Abbott]

Last year?

[Little Hector]

Yeah.

[Bud Abbott]

Did you speak to him about it?

[Lou Costello]

No, I only discovered it yesterday.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, hey, wait a minute. Here's Ken and Mrs. Niles now. We were expecting you, Ken.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Well, I'm sorry I'm late, but my wife and I just got back from a hunting trip.

[Little Hector]

Yes, I got a moose head.

[Lou Costello]

Well, put a hat over your antlers and nobody will notice it.

[Bud Abbott]

Pay no attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles. He's a little tired. He just came from launching a ship.

[Little Hector]

He just launched a ship? Oh, that must have been a pretty picture. One tub launching another.

[Lou Costello]

That was wonderful there. That was wonderful.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

What a clever remark.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

No wonder I go for you.

[Little Hector]

Oh, and Kenneth, I go for you.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

I go for you.

[Little Hector]

I go for you.

[Lou Costello]

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from Mr. And Mrs. Gopher.

[Bud Abbott]

I love that. Come on, now, cut it out, Costello. Say, Mrs. Niles, where's little Hector?

[Little Hector]

Oh, he's outside playing. I'll get him. Oh, Hector, darling, come in here, dear. Yes, Annie Niles? I was looking for Mr. Costello's crazy cat.

[Lou Costello]

Who ever told you I had a crazy cat?

[Little Hector]

Annie Niles, she said, wait till I get a load of your silly puss. See why I hate the kid. Oh, isn't little Hector cute?

[Mrs. Niles]

Oh, come here, kid.

[Lou Costello]

I think you're very cute, too. Come here.

[Little Hector]

Do me a favor. Yeah, what?

[Lou Costello]

Let me pinch your windpipe, Costello. Now. Well, I mean. Hey, Hector, look, why don't you just walk around the block and if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine, okay?

[Little Hector]

Oh, don't mind Hector, Mr. Costello. He's just faithful. Why, the other day he gently kicked.

[Mrs. Niles]

Me in the face.

[Bud Abbott]

Mrs. Niles. I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out.

[Lou Costello]

How could he? He had him in her back pocket all the time.

[Little Hector]

Come, Kenneth, we'll be back for Hector tonight.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, now listen. Now, look, I'm not gonna get stuck with this kid.

[Mrs. Niles]

Hector.

[Lou Costello]

Now, look, Hector, come here. Go on home to your mother, will you, kid?

[Little Hector]

But my mama ain't home. She's downtown buying a gun for my old man.

[Bud Abbott]

Buying a gun? Did your father tell her what kind to get?

[Little Hector]

No, he doesn't even know she's gonna shoot him.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Evan, I'll tell you, this kid is dangerous.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, come.

[Bud Abbott]

He's only playing.

[Lou Costello]

Playing? Yesterday he stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and sang Smoke gets in your eyes.

[Bud Abbott]

Hector, that was a terrible thing to do.

[Little Hector]

Yeah, it was. It put the fire out.

[Lou Costello]

Little Hector. Listen, I know a very good game. I'll tell you what I'd like to have you do. I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hands in it. That ain't gonna hurt much.

[Little Hector]

No? No. I wanna play Cowboys and Indians. Look, I brought my BB gun. Don't point that in front of me.

[Lou Costello]

It might guar.

[Little Hector]

I even told a kid not to point it at me.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Take it easy.

[Little Hector]

Yeah, man.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

What?

[Little Hector]

He shot me right in the eye.

[Bud Abbott]

Are those BBs in your face?

[Little Hector]

Well, it ain't caviar. Here, Pip, give me that thing.

[Lou Costello]

I'm gonna shoot the rest of these BPs right out the window.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Who shot that gun out of the window?

[Lou Costello]

Who wants to know?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I do. Throckmorton, P. Gildersley.

[Bud Abbott]

Mr. Gillesley, those shots were an accident.

[Lou Costello]

Where did he get you?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Between my bay window and the back porch. And furthermore, One of those BBs lodged in my head.

[Lou Costello]

Lodged in your head? I don't believe it. Shake your head once.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

All right, I will.

[Lou Costello]

He's right, Abbott. Can you imagine a little BB all alone in that big head?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You got a lot of nerve to talk about my head. The last time I saw a head like yours, it was in a bottle.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, now, wait a minute, boys. Let's settle this thing like gentlemen.

[Lou Costello]

But he ain't gonna blame this on me. Now, it was all that little Hector's fault.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You mean this innocent little child here? Why, he has an angelic face. He has a heavenly look.

[Lou Costello]

You got your directions mixed.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Now, look here, Costello, you're not gonna blame this on anybody else. I demand Satisfaction. Put up your fists and fight like a man.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott, this guy's asking for it. Give me a piece of chalk.

[Bud Abbott]

What are you going to do with it?

[Lou Costello]

What am I going to do with it? I'm going to draw a line right here. Right over there. Now, come on, Gilder, sleeve. I dare you to step over that line.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Well, I stepped over the line. Now what?

[Lou Costello]

Now you're on my side.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

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[Lou Costello]

Little Hector. Little Hector.

[Bud Abbott]

Who put that cat in the piano?

[Little Hector]

I did. My teacher told me to practice Kitten on the keys.

[Lou Costello]

Now, Abbott, I told you. Now, I told you to keep that get quiet. I can't sleep. The noise makes me restless.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, that's just your imagination.

[Little Hector]

No, it ain't, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I was so restless that I tossed and tossed until my nose got caught in my ear.

[Bud Abbott]

You got your nose caught in your ear?

[Lou Costello]

Why, that's terrible. Sure, I sneezed and almost blew my brains out. Oh, now who is that? Come in.

[Tommy Pumpkins]

Good afternoon, Mr. Abbott and Mr. Cuspello. Is Lippo Heck for here? I'm Tommy Pumpkins. I live two blocks down the Sweep.

[Lou Costello]

You that pooh blocked down the Pip.

[Little Hector]

What kind of Talk is this, Mr. Costello? That's the way Tommy talks. He can't say the letter T. He makes it sound like a.

[Lou Costello]

Do that again. It's very cooling.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, what did you want with little Hector?

[Lou Costello]

Tommy?

[Tommy Pumpkins]

I came over here to practice my music with little Hector. See, I brought my trumpet.

[Lou Costello]

Trumpet? You mean trumpet?

[Tommy Pumpkins]

That's it, the trumpet.

[Lou Costello]

This guy sounds like a nitwhip.

[Little Hector]

But Tommy is a very good trumpet player.

[Tommy Pumpkins]

You set up Mr. Costello. You're talking for the most prolific trumpet player that ever pooted a pirate trumpet from Pimbuck. Poo poo Pennessee. Want to hear me play a poon on my trumpet? No. Well, how about the clarinet? I play the clarinet. The pronbone and the pooba.

[Lou Costello]

Oh no, you don't play the pooba. A puba is what you keep your toothpaste and brush your peep. Now the guy's got me talking like that.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, please don't make fun of Tommy. He comes from a very high class family. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

[Lou Costello]

Why don't he take it out when he talks?

[Tommy Pumpkins]

Aw, come on, Lippo Hecker, let's play a little poon. Mr. Costello, you want to hear Cole.

[Lou Costello]

Pauper's knife and tay Knife and day. Why don't you play pit pole Pruda pit. Pull it.

[Little Hector]

Oh, that's great.

[Tommy Pumpkins]

Follow me. Little Hecka in Pepo.

[Little Hector]

One, pull.

[Lou Costello]

Three. That's enough, brother.

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[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Get that Amex gold cart ready.

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[Lou Costello]

Yes.

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[Lou Costello]

I said that's enough, brother. Will you guys shut up?

[Little Hector]

Cut it out.

[Lou Costello]

Break it up. All right, all right. Look, Hector, why don't you and your.

[Bud Abbott]

Friend Tommy go out in the yard and play?

[Mrs. Niles]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Here, you can have my football. The one I used when I used to play with Marquette.

[Bud Abbott]

You played with the University of Marquette in Wisconsin?

[Lou Costello]

No, with the fish. Marquette in Glendale. Hey, Abbott, look. Come on, kids.

[Little Hector]

Now get out.

[Lou Costello]

Get the kids out, will ya? Abbott, look, go on out in the backyard and I'll show you how I used to kick the ball. Now look, I'm gonna show you the kick that won the great big game. Here, Hector, you hold the ball, I'll kick it. Abbott, you catch it.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, but suppose you kick.

[Lou Costello]

Kick little Hector's head. Well, you'll have to catch that too.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Oh.

[Lou Costello]

Okay kids, get ready. Here we go. Oh.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Who kicked that football through my window?

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, it's Killer Sleeve.

[Lou Costello]

Let's run. Now what's the matter? What's the matter now? But that darn clothesline, did it get you? No, I always wear my nose side saddle.

[Little Hector]

Did it get me?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Don't you try to run away, Costello. You kicked that football through my window. It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary.

[Bud Abbott]

Your secretary?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Yeah, an old Duncan Fyke.

[Lou Costello]

Where does she get that stuff?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

My secretary's been in my family for 200 years.

[Lou Costello]

Faithful, isn't she?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, keep quiet, Costello. Look, Gilded Sleeve. The whole thing was an accident. Costello was just showing us what a great football player he was.

[Lou Costello]

In school.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

In school, Costello, who'd you ever play for? Subnormal.

[Lou Costello]

Did you ever have that laugh? Dry clean.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Don't try and evade the issue, Costello. You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to Princeton.

[Lou Costello]

All right, prove it. Where are your football pants?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Well, that shows how stupid you are, Costello. Footballs don't wear pants.

[Bud Abbott]

Say, Yilda Sleeve, did you ever play in the Princeton Yale game?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, I'll never forget that game, Abbott. I can still picture myself sweeping down the field. I swept over the 50 yard line, over the 40, the 30. I swept past the 20 yard line. As I was sweeping toward the goal line, it happened.

[Bud Abbott]

Were you tackled?

[Lou Costello]

No, he broke his broom.

[Bud Abbott]

There's only one way to settle this argument. Why don't you challenge each other to a football game?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

That's a great idea, Abbott. It's the only thing that'll satisfy my honor. We Gildersleeves are a proud lot.

[Lou Costello]

You're a vacant lot. I think I got the kid going, Pop. He's getting mad.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Costello, we'll meet in one hour. If I should not emerge victorious, I shall retire to a mountain fastness where as a measure of self punishment, I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the woodpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals.

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah. Well, listen, Ghost, leave.

[Lou Costello]

If I don't win this game, I'm going to retire to the cellar of Tony's Fish Market where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel and have Tony slap me in the puss with a wet barracuda. Not every five minutes.

[Little Hector]

Not every three minutes. Not every 10 seconds, but Sunday, Monday and away.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

By special request, Carney Haynes repeats one of the top tunes of the season. Shoo, shoo baby.

[Mrs. Niles]

Shoo, shoo, shoo baby. Shoo, shoo, shoo baby don't cry baby. Off to 7se don't cry baby don't sigh baby Bye bye bye baby When I come back to live life of food Kind of stuck now.

[Little Hector]

You say.

[Mrs. Niles]

Goodbye this way Papa got to be rough now don't he you another day. Shoo, shoo, shoo baby Shoo, shoo, shoo.

[Lou Costello]

Baby.

[Mrs. Niles]

Don'T cry baby. Your buffers up through the sky 7se don't cry, don't sigh baby's here a waiting for her papa. Don't cry, don't sigh it sing Nothing will ever stop her.

[Lou Costello]

Sho sh.

[Mrs. Niles]

My baby. Shoo shoo, shoo my baby. Sho sho sho shoe my baby. Your papa's off to the Sam E L Camel cigarettes.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

They're first in the service. They've got what it takes.

[Bud Abbott]

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

This is Ken Niles, your sportscaster, speaking to you direct from Google's parking lot overlooking the city dump. There is a strong wind sweeping across the field at this moment and most of the crowd is leaving. We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the Gilder Sleeved Nanny Goats and the Costello Morons. Oh, pardon me. That's Maroons. And now for a last minute interview, we take you to Lou Costello's dressing room. Take it away, Flash Barrel.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, Ken Iles.

[Mrs. Niles]

Phew.

[Lou Costello]

This is Flash Barrel speaking from the morons dressing room. That's me, folks. Mr. Costello, I understand that this game.

[Bud Abbott]

Is the result of a personal challenge.

[Lou Costello]

Is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word trepidation? That's right. And is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word cowardice?

[Bud Abbott]

That's right.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

You're pretty brave.

[Lou Costello]

No, I'm pretty ignorant. Take it away, Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Thank you, Flash Farrell. And now for a word from the opposing captain. We switch you to Gildersleeve's dressing room and Red Harbor.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you, Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Here we are in the Nanny Goats dressing room.

[Bud Abbott]

Gildersleeve looks in great shape. Say, Mr. Gildersleeve, I see you're wearing.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Your old school sweater.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, yes, Princeton University. Yes, sir. I was the biggest PU man on the campus. Phew.

[Bud Abbott]

Thank you, Gilder sleeve.

[Lou Costello]

And now back to Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Okay, Red harbor, both teams are coming on the field now and we Switch to Bud Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Right, Ken Niles. Now let's listen to Gilda Sleeves. Nanny goats singing their alma mater Mary.

[Lou Costello]

Mary the Danny ghost you'll find will always come from behind Forever Mary Hugh.

[Bud Abbott]

Phew. And now on the other side of the field, we pick up Lou Costello's band and Glee club.

[Lou Costello]

Hip hop Protocol. Act protocol. Act protocol. Act protocol. Rip Hall. Throw the hole in. Peep peep, peep.

[Little Hector]

Just a minute, Costello. Costello, what do you think you're doing here?

[Lou Costello]

Don't Bother me now, Mrs. Niles. We're going to play football.

[Little Hector]

But where is little Hector?

[Lou Costello]

What do you think we're using for a football? Say again, Castello.

[Bud Abbott]

The game's about to start. Where's your football helmet?

[Lou Costello]

I don't need a helmet. But how are you going to protect your head? I'm wearing my hair piled up this season.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Well folks, the moment is here and we take you to the midfield stripe where the opposing captains are shaking hands in their usual friendly manner.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Oh, I warn you, Costello. You try to carry the ball through my line, I'll climb you like a.

[Lou Costello]

Tree and a monkey like you can do it, Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Remember sportsmanship.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I'm not afraid of him, Abbott. Listen, Costello, I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard I'll drive your head down into your ribs. When you open your eyes you'll think you're in jail.

[Little Hector]

Jiggers the cop.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here. That's. No, that's the referee.

[Little Hector]

No more patrol wagons.

[Lou Costello]

No, no, no. That's the referee.

[Little Hector]

It's time I had to stand up now.

[Lou Costello]

That's the referee. All right, boys, let's start the game. Let's start the game. Let's stop the game.

[Little Hector]

All right, all right, all right.

[Lou Costello]

Well, the game is about to start.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Costello is kicking off to gilder sleeve and Costello's toe meets the pig skin.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait, wait, wait. Gee, that was a great kick, Costello. Gilder sleeves got the ball.

[Lou Costello]

Go ahead and tackle him.

[Little Hector]

Okay, I got him.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Are you double jointed?

[Lou Costello]

No, why?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Then I think I broke your leg.

[Lou Costello]

The joke's on you. I always wear my leg in my back pocket. Hey, I don't like the way you tickle, Gildy.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

You mean tackle. You don't know your football.

[Lou Costello]

I mean tickle. You don't know your mustache.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Gilly, let's start the play.

[Lou Costello]

Right signals.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

One, two, butt my shoe. Three, four. Shut the door.

[Lou Costello]

Hike.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, Gilly's running around his own end.

[Lou Costello]

He's running around his own end. That's a neat trick if he can do it. Well, quick, grab him. Come on, grab him.

[Mrs. Niles]

Ooh.

[Little Hector]

Ow. Referee. Referee.

[Lou Costello]

What is that?

[Little Hector]

Did you see what happened?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I did. And I penalized you 15 yards for interference.

[Little Hector]

Interference? Gilda Schneef kicked me right in the push.

[Lou Costello]

I don't believe it. You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you, Gildy?

[Bud Abbott]

No.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Uncle Ralph.

[Lou Costello]

Uncle Ralph, this is a frame up.

[Bud Abbott]

Stop complaining, Costello. It's your turn to carry the ball. Now let's see you make a touchdown.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Abbott, watch me. Signal. One, two. What comes after two?

[Bud Abbott]

Three.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, three.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I knew he went to subnormal.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, I'll call the signals.

[Lou Costello]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Bud Abbott]

Say, Costello, what comes after 4?

[Little Hector]

6.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

No, it's 5.

[Bud Abbott]

How do you know?

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

I got my shoes off. I'm counting on my toes.

[Lou Costello]

Get ready then.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Signals.

[Bud Abbott]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

[Lou Costello]

Hike. Oh, boy. I got the ball, Abbott. One tackler down, two tacklers, three tacklers.

[Little Hector]

I'm gonna make a touchdown. I bet.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

No, you won't, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

I'm right in back of you. I got Abbott.

[Little Hector]

We can't lose now.

[Lou Costello]

Why not? I'm out in the open.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Abbott and Costello will be back in just a. And now here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. Well, Gilly, it was swell to have you with us tonight. That was a pretty tough football game.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

Yes, it was. I think Costello and I better take inventory. Let me see now. I've got two arms.

[Lou Costello]

And I got two arms.

[Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve]

And I've got two legs.

[Lou Costello]

And I got two legs. Wait a minute, Gildersleeve. I'll never be able to face my public again.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I'm wearing your hat. Oh, get out of here.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folks.

[Lou Costello]

Good night, folks. Good night, neighbors.

[Bud Abbott]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Avenue Costello show with.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Our special guest, Ms. Janet Blair, Harold Perry. The great Gildersleeve appeared tonight through the courtesy of the Kraft Cheese Company. And remember, Camel cigarettes are packed to.

[Lou Costello]

Go around the world.

[Ken Niles (Sportscaster/Announcer)]

Camels stay fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.

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