Abbott & Costello 44-03-02 Blondie & Dagwood

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Abbott & Costello 44-03-02 "Blondie & Dagwood"

Date: January 31, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Special Guests: Penny Singleton (Blondie), Arthur Lake (Dagwood), Ken Niles, Connie Haynes, Freddie Rich, and more

---

Episode Overview

This classic episode brings together the legendary comedic duo Abbott & Costello with the beloved characters from the "Blondie & Dagwood" radio series. The storyline centers on a town-wide waste paper drive, a missing radio script fiasco, and a hilariously bungled live performance of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." Expect rapid-fire banter, slapstick routines, cross-show cameos, and vintage radio humor at its best.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter and Waste Paper Drive

[01:07–02:46]

• Abbott confronts Costello about being late, leading to comic tales about the Navy and submarines.
  • Lou: "When the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then what happened? Down we went, Abbott. 60ft in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk." (01:33)
  • Bud: "You took a walk in 60 foot of water?" (01:44)
  • Lou: "I had my rubbers on." (01:47)
• Waste Paper Drive Public Service: Abbott, as mayor, leads a patriotic campaign to collect every scrap of paper for the war effort.
  • Bud: "The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town." (02:18)

2. Comic Arguments and Introductions

[03:04–04:56]

• Ken Niles joins in, poking fun at Costello's enthusiasm.
  • Ken: "You couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy..." (03:18)
• Mrs. Niles enters, leading to classic verbal sparring with Costello and Dagwood.
  • Dagwood: "You look like 2/3 of We the People." (04:05)
  • Lou: "She's had her face lifted so many times, it's a wonder she can stay on the ground." (04:18)

3. Blondie & Dagwood Arrive

[04:45–06:08]

• Dagwood delivers a waste paper poem.
  • Dagwood: "Bonds and bombs will beat the axes, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead. Ha." (04:45)
• Classic name gags and puns (Deadwood, Driftwood, Dagwood) as Costello teases Dagwood.
  • Lou: "Have you been inspected for termites?" (05:58)
• The group debates who should donate what, including fictional diplomas and loose waste paper.

4. The Script Goes Missing!

[07:27–08:16]

• After many slapstick mishaps, the Abbott & Costello show's script accidentally gets taken with the waste paper collection.
• Chase to recover the script begins, involving high-energy entrances and exits by Dagwood.

5. The Search for the Script – At Dagwood's House

[09:54–13:10]

• Abbott & Costello visit the Bumstead home and interact with their son, Alexander, in a rapid-fire Q&A.
  • Lou: "How old are you, Alexander?" (10:57)
  • Alexander: "Nine." (11:00)
  • Lou: "You're gonna reach 10 the hard way." (11:01)
• Comedic crosswalk confusion with a no-nonsense police officer; classic misunderstanding about traffic rules.
  • Officer: "The red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross... what's the green light for? That's the signal for automobiles to cross the pedestrians." (11:52)
  • Lou: "I can't even get across the street!" (13:11)

6. Lost Script Resolution and Improvised "Snow White"

[14:14–15:23]

• The waste paper (and their script) is long gone, so Blondie offers Alexander's school play, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," as a replacement.
  • Blondie: "I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air." (14:49)
• More classic banter as parts are assigned, with Dagwood clamoring for a lead role.

7. The "Snow White" Parody – On-Air Performance

[21:14–25:39]

• Ken Niles sets the scene as the cast launches into a fast-and-loose retelling of "Snow White."
  • Abbott and Costello's improvisational style, Dagwood’s literal-minded interruptions, and Blondie’s earnest efforts combine for comedic results.
  • Lou (as Prince): "Here I am, Princess. I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by greyhound... Oh, my dogs are tired." (21:41–21:52)
  • Dagwood (as Tree): "You're not supposed to talk. Now, you represent the forest. You play the part of a tree." (22:12)
• Repeated interruptions as Dagwood protests all the stage kissing.
  • Dagwood: "There's too much kissing going on here!" (24:47)

8. Curtain Call and Classic Exit Gag

[27:31–28:06]

• Show wraps up with thanks and an invitation for Blondie and Dagwood to demonstrate their iconic door-rushing routine.
  • Lou: "Dagwood, I listen to your program every Monday night and I'd like to know how you get through those doors without crashing." (27:36)
  • Dagwood: "Okay, here we go. Hold the door open, Blondie. We're moving fast." (27:46)
• Classic slapstick conclusion: Dagwood and Costello fall down a manhole.
  • Dagwood: "We're down here. Who left the cover off this manhole?" (28:00)

---

Memorable Quotes

• Lou Costello: "I was helping them launch a submarine… when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then what happened? Down we went, Abbott. 60ft in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk." (01:32–01:44)
• Bud Abbott: "The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town." (02:18)
• Dagwood: "Bonds and bombs will beat the axes, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead." (04:45)
• Lou Costello (to Dagwood): "Have you been inspected for termites?" (05:58)
• Alexander: "I ain't saying yes and I ain't saying no…" (10:52)
• Officer: "The red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross... what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians." (11:52)
• Lou Costello: "I can't even get across the street!" (13:11)
• Blondie: "I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air." (14:49)
• Lou Costello (as Prince): "Here I am, Princess. I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by greyhound… Oh, my dogs are tired." (21:41–21:52)
• Dagwood: "There's too much kissing going on here!" (24:47)
• Dagwood: "We're down here. Who left the cover off this manhole?" (28:00)

---

Notable Segments with Timestamps

• Naval base intro and submarine gags: [01:07–02:09]
• Waste paper drive announcement and paper jokes: [02:13–03:06]
• Dagwood and Costello banter ("Deadwood/Driftwood"): [05:24–06:08]
• The script is missing – the panic: [07:27–08:16]
• Walk/don’t walk police banter: [11:31–13:10]
• Resolution/launch into "Snow White": [14:14–15:23]
• The play, including on-air snafus: [21:14–25:39]
• The door-crashing bit and finale: [27:31–28:06]

---

Recurring Themes and Tones

• Wartime Patriotism: The waste paper drive underscores wartime resourcefulness and home-front efforts.
• Vaudeville & Slapstick: Rapid jokes, puns, running gags (door-crashing, Dagwood’s speed, Costello’s confusion).
• Meta-Humor: Characters frequently reference being on radio shows, scripts, and playing roles.

---

In Summary

This episode is a classic collision of two top comedy acts of the Golden Age of Radio. It’s packed with ad-libbed gags, winking crossovers, and a parade of vaudevillian routines. The exchange between Abbott & Costello and Blondie & Dagwood is fast-paced and playful. The frantic search for a lost script provides a clever premise, and the slapdash "Snow White" performance is a highlight. The comedic timing and affection between all the stars are on full display, making this a fun and nostalgic listen for fans of old-time radio comedy.

---

Transcript

[Blondie]

Take an AMEX card with you on your morning coffee run and earn cash back on a weekend trip. Earn miles. See if you pre qualify for an American Express card with no impact on your credit score. Learn [e-mail] check 4 offers. Your credit score may be impacted if you accept a card. Terms apply.

[Lou Costello]

B A M E L S the.

[Ken Niles]

Aved and Costello program brought to you by Camel Cigarette. That's first in the service. Camels stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra. The songs of Connie Haynes. The stars of the Monday night Blondie program. Penny Singleton and Arthur Lake. Tonight's guests of Bud Abbott and Lou Cost.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, there you are, Costello. Why are you late this time? Where have you been?

[Lou Costello]

Roy Abbott?

[Bud Abbott]

What time?

[Lou Costello]

I just got back from the naval base of San Diego and I got a message of great importance for all the sailors. From all the sailors to every woman and girl in disorientance.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, what is it? Shut up, Costella. What were you doing down at the naval base?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, what was I doing? I was helping them launch a submarine and they gave me the most important job on the boat.

[Bud Abbott]

Really? What was it?

[Lou Costello]

Well, when the sailors got the submarine ready to dive, I ran forward and held its nose. Then what happened? Then what happened? Down we went, Abbott. 60ft in the water. When we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk.

[Bud Abbott]

You took a walk in 60 foot of water?

[Dagwood]

And why not?

[Lou Costello]

I had my rubbers on.

[Bud Abbott]

You know, after all, we have to give those sailors. No, really. We have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I like sailors too, Abbott, but I'm really in love with a marine.

[Bud Abbott]

You're in love with a marine?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Marine o'. Hara. No.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, talk sense, Costello. Between you and me, love is silly.

[Lou Costello]

Between you and me, love would be ridiculous.

[Dagwood]

You don't even appeal.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, never mind all of this. Listen, we've got important work to do. The government has started a national waste paper drive. And as mayor of Sherman Oaks, I mean to collect every scrap of paper in this town.

[Lou Costello]

Good. I gave all my paper, Abbott. I even ripped the paper off walls. Then I repapered the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano.

[Bud Abbott]

You covered the walls with the player piano rolls?

[Lou Costello]

That's what I did.

[Bud Abbott]

That's fine.

[Lou Costello]

Good.

[Dagwood]

Fine.

[Lou Costello]

Fine, nothing. Now every time I sneeze, the walls play Mersey Dotes.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, will you get down to business, please? This campaign is important. I Want you to do your part by going from door to door. Now, can you do it?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, that used to be my racket. One time I went from door to door selling mosquitoes.

[Bud Abbott]

No, that's idiotic. Who'd buy mosquitoes?

[Lou Costello]

Nobody.

[Bud Abbott]

Then why did you sell them?

[Lou Costello]

No competition.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, here's Ken Niles.

[Ken Niles]

Well, hello, fellows. How's the waste paper drive coming along, Mayor Rabbit?

[Bud Abbott]

Just fine. Ken Costello just promised to go all over town collecting scraps of paper from houses, scraps of paper from offices, scraps of paper from vacant lots.

[Ken Niles]

Well, you couldn't have picked a better man. He's scrap happy any.

[Dagwood]

You see, honey.

[Ken Niles]

Hello. You see what a sense of humor I have, Costello? One, two, three, and I jump all over you.

[Dagwood]

Four, five, six, and you get right off.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, let's not start an argument. Say, Ken, what did your wife say when I appointed her head of the paper drive committee?

[Ken Niles]

Oh, she was very happy, Bud. She says people will think she's the most fortunate girl.

[Lou Costello]

She'll be fortunate if people think she's a girl.

[Dagwood]

Oh, I heard that remark, you overstuffed lowboy. I said it for you to hear, Skinny Denny.

[Lou Costello]

And. Just a minute, Mrs. Niles. I ain't fat. Oh, no.

[Dagwood]

You look like 2 3rd of we the people.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, you should treat Mrs. Niles with respect. She has character. Look how high she carries her head.

[Lou Costello]

She's had her face lifted so many times, it's a wonder she can stay on the ground.

[Dagwood]

Oh, Costello.

[Blondie]

I know.

[Dagwood]

Never had my face lifted. Of course, I. I have used facelift lotion.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you have used facelift lotion?

[Connie Haynes]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I once used that same lotion on the horse.

[Announcer]

Did it?

[Bud Abbott]

Did it lift my horse's face?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know. We can't get him down off the chandelier.

[Bud Abbott]

Come in.

[Dagwood]

Bonds and bombs will beat the axes, so be sure to pay your income taxes. Save your old tin cans, your ironing lead, and give it all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead. Ha.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. It's Dagwood. Where's Blondie, Dagwood?

[Dagwood]

Oh, she's out in the car. Wait a minute. I'll call her.

[Blondie]

Blondie. Oh. Oh, I'm coming. Dag, would I. Oh. Oh, hello, Mr. Casper. Mayor Abbott. Dadwood and I are helping Mrs. Niles with the waste paper drive.

[Dagwood]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Oh. Well, the first thing you ought to throw in this. I fixed it up this afternoon at rehearsal too, didn't I? The same line, huh? Well, here we go again. Well, the first thing you want to throw in is the Paper that poem was written on.

[Dagwood]

I got it.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Dagwood, do you make up that poem yourself or did some other jerk help you?

[Dagwood]

Oh, no, I made it up myself. You had nothing to do with it.

[Lou Costello]

Just a minute. Deadwood. Deadwood. Driftwood.

[Dagwood]

No, no, no, no. My name's Dagwood.

[Lou Costello]

Have you been inspected for termites?

[Blondie]

Oh, now, Mr. Costello, don't you and Dagwood have a fight when there are so many important things to be done?

[Dagwood]

Yeah, and we want every bit of waste paper you've got in this house. Some men I know are even giving up their college diplomas. Have you got a college diploma? Huh?

[Blondie]

No.

[Dagwood]

Have you got a high school diploma?

[Connie Haynes]

Hey, Nay.

[Dagwood]

Then have you got a grammar school diploma?

[Lou Costello]

No, but you're getting warm.

[Blondie]

Oh, never mind the diplomas, Dagwood. Have you got the waste paper ready? Mayor Abbott?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, Blondie. It's all collected. Costello, carry that old burlap sack out to the truck.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. You know, you always fool me, Mrs. Niles. I mean, the way you fold yourself over.

[Blondie]

Thanks for your help, everybody. Now, Dagwood, you gather up those loose papers and hurry. We've got lots of stops to make.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, well, you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie. Thank you. And you keep up the good work, Dagwood.

[Blondie]

Oh, don't worry, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood will work his head to the bottom bone for you. Well, come on, Dagwood.

[Dagwood]

Hurry up. Yeah, well, I, I, I got to get going. Now. Hold the door open for me, blondie.

[Blondie]

All right, stand back, Mr. Costello. He moves very fast.

[Dagwood]

Come on.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Come here.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Are, aren't they, Aren't they nice people? Low, low. All kidding aside, aren't they nice people? Costello, why don't you answer me?

[Dagwood]

Wait till I stop spinning.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, come on, Costello. We've got to get down to the studio for our broadcast. By the way, where is our script for tonight?

[Lou Costello]

I got it right here and. Hey, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Abbott, what's the matter?

[Dagwood]

The script is gone.

[Bud Abbott]

Why, it was right here a minute ago. Hey, do you suppose they took it with the waste paper?

[Lou Costello]

That's it, Abbott. They took it. We got to catch that Dag Dog wood bed spread or whatever the name is.

[Dagwood]

Out of my way, Evan. I move very fast. Here I come.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, you're supposed to open the door.

[Dagwood]

Now he tells me.

[Ken Niles]

West of the Ivory coast and the Gold coast is the independent African nation of Liberia, now host to United States army and Navy men, to Americans stationed in Liberia, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world. Go Camel Cigarettes. By the million, by the ton for Camels are first with men in all the services, according to actual sales records. Whether Camel cigarettes go to West Africa or to you they stay fresh, cool, smoking and slow burning. Because Camels are packed to go around the world. Yes, you can be sure Camel cigarettes are fresh. Sure too, that they have more flavor the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. Freshness and more flavor are two reasons why more people want Camels today both at home and overseas. If your store is sold out, remember Camel cigarettes are worth asking for again.

[Lou Costello]

C A M E L S Camel.

[Ken Niles]

Cigarettes, Camel standard of cost beer tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. And now back to Abbott and Costello who are still searching for their missing radio scri.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Costello, we've got to find our radio script.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, are you sure this is Dagwood's home?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly. And are they classy? Look, they've got their names painted in gold on the mailbox.

[Lou Costello]

That's nothing.

[Bud Abbott]

You should see my house.

[Lou Costello]

I got the Costello coat of arms painted on the front door.

[Bud Abbott]

What's the Costello coat of arms?

[Lou Costello]

Two sheriffs jumping up and down on the second mortgage.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, go ahead, knock on the door. Oh, it's Blondie's little boy, Alexander. Hello, Alexander.

[Blondie]

Oh, how do you do, gentlemen? Come right in.

[Dagwood]

Pull up a chair and sit down. Thank you, Alexander.

[Lou Costello]

We're Abbott and Costello.

[Blondie]

Oh, well, in that case, I'd better open the window.

[Lou Costello]

Boy, you're a cute kid, ain't you, kid? I must invite you over to the house to play with some of my older. It has to come out one way or another. Must come over and play with my old razor blade.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, Costello, that's not nice. Look, Alexander, we're looking for your mother and father. They've got our radio script. Do you know where they are?

[Blondie]

I ain't saying yes and I ain't saying no.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what are you saying?

[Blondie]

I ain't saying.

[Lou Costello]

He ain't saying. How old are you, Alexander?

[Blondie]

Nine.

[Lou Costello]

You're gonna reach 10 the hard way.

[Bud Abbott]

Say, Pastello, look out the window. There's Dagwood and Blondie going into that house across the street. Come on, we've gotta get that radio script.

[Lou Costello]

Yes.

[Dagwood]

Step aside, Alexander. I move pretty fast.

[Lou Costello]

Out of the way, Alexander.

[Bud Abbott]

He's coming through.

[Lou Costello]

I don't know how that Dagwood does it.

[Dagwood]

He gets through every time.

[Bud Abbott]

Hurry up, Costello. We've got to get across the street while our light.

[Lou Costello]

Okay.

[Dagwood]

Yeah, wait for the. Hey, you, fat boy, get Back there in the curb.

[Lou Costello]

But officer, look. Don't but me. What do you think the traffic lights are for? Well, the red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street. Oh, the red light is, is it? Then tell me, what's the green light for? That's the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, a wise guy.

[Lou Costello]

Well, don't try to cross the street again until you get the green light and I blow me whistle twice or I'll give you a ticket for jaywalking. Estella, will you please hurry over here? Now, go ahead.

[Dagwood]

Oh, so there you are, young man.

[Lou Costello]

Look, lady, don't stop me now. I got the green light.

[Dagwood]

I got the green light.

[Lou Costello]

You don't even know me.

[Dagwood]

Yes, I do. Why, you're Mr. Squawky from Milwaukee. Lady, look, I gotta get my radio.

[Lou Costello]

Strip across the street.

[Dagwood]

Of course, Mr. Squawky had a mustache and was bald headed. But honestly, you could pass for brothers. And you're like.

[Blondie]

Only he was a streetcar conductor.

[Dagwood]

The wrong streetcar conductor. Lady, you're off your trolley.

[Lou Costello]

Now, will you let me get across the street?

[Dagwood]

Hey, you.

[Lou Costello]

So you're crossing against the red light again. Again?

[Dagwood]

I'd like to get over once.

[Lou Costello]

Estella, will you hurry up over here? All right, now, go ahead. Pardon me, young man, but I'm from the recruiting office. How would you like to join the Navy? How would I like to join the Navy? Yes, I'd like to join Abbott. Ah, but the Navy's a great place for you.

[Ken Niles]

Think of it.

[Bud Abbott]

You can cross the ocean.

[Lou Costello]

Cross the ocean?

[Dagwood]

I can't even get across the street. Fuck.

[Lou Costello]

I'll see you later.

[Dagwood]

Hey, Abbott, I'm coming. Aha, so it's you again. Aha, so it's you again. Oh, it's you again. I love you.

[Bud Abbott]

It's you.

[Dagwood]

It's. This is the third time you've crossed the street against the red light.

[Lou Costello]

Now come with me. I'm taking you to the police station. Where's the police station?

[Dagwood]

Across the street. Good, I finally made it.

[Lou Costello]

Now listen.

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, officer. We're Abbott and Costello. Our radio script is lost and we only have a few minutes to get on the air.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, so you're Abbott and Costello, eh? I never miss your program. You don't? No, I don't hear it, so I don't miss it. Now get along with you. Go pedal your corn. Yeah, but I'm gonna take a sock.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, quiet. Look, there's Bonnie and Dagwood coming out of that building.

[Dagwood]

Oh, Blondie.

[Connie Haynes]

Hey.

[Lou Costello]

Imposter.

[Blondie]

What's the trouble, Mayor Abbott?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Blondy, when you took that waste paper basket out of here, the house, you know. You must have taken our radio script too. We're due on the air any second. Maybe our papers are on that truck.

[Dagwood]

Oh, no.

[Blondie]

That load was sent out on the train hours ago. Oh, see what you did, Dagwood? Now, what are Rabbit and Costello going to do on the air tonight?

[Dagwood]

Oh, gee, Blondie. And maybe I can help them out, huh? My whole family was good at making jokes.

[Lou Costello]

They certainly did all right with you.

[Blondie]

Oh, just a minute, boys. I've got a great idea. I've got something here in my purse. It's a school play that little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air. I'm sure Alexander would give you the right.

[Lou Costello]

I'd like to give Alexander the right. And a couple of good lefts. All right.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, Costello. This might be just what we need.

[Dagwood]

Oh, sure, it's a dandy play all about Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

[Lou Costello]

And I know just the part I'm gonna play.

[Dagwood]

Yeah, so do I. Come on, dopey.

[Ken Niles]

Here's little Connie Haynes to sing the novel the Eurythmic Hit a Kitty Free.

[Connie Haynes]

Take it easy Take it easy don't you know it's more romantic When a dance is slow? Take it easy Take it easy what's the good of feeling high when all the lights are low? Take it easy Take it easy We've got lots of time ahead of us the night is young Take it easy Take it easy Take it easy don't you know this music should be swayed instead of swung? Take your time Take your time Dance it with ease Take your time Take your time Slow, if you please It's a moment tender now the cell is careful maybe you'd surrender but you move too fast Take it easy Take it easy Yes, I know I'm not supposed to make a rumba jump Take it easy take it easy if I don't feel that our romance will hit a bump Take it easy take it easy Yes, I know it's time for romance when the music we Take it easy Take Take it easy I should really try to make my heart control my speed Take your time Take your time Dance it with ease Dance it with ease Take your time Take your time Blow it you please Slow as you please Take your time Take your time I've been talking about taking one time But I've changed my mind Changed my mind and baby don't want to take my time.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, come on, Costello, let's get in the studio. We're due on the air in a few seconds. Where's Dagwood and Blondie?

[Blondie]

Oh, here we are, Mr. Abbott. And I have the script of Snow White right with me. Now, if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part. First, I will play the part of the Princess Snow White.

[Dagwood]

Oh, goody, goody. And I will be the handsome prince. Huh?

[Lou Costello]

Now, wait a minute, Thork Wood. I play the leading parts around here.

[Dagwood]

I'm a real actor.

[Lou Costello]

I was born in a theater and it cost my father 25 cents extra.

[Bud Abbott]

You were born.

[Lou Costello]

You were born in the theater and.

[Bud Abbott]

It cost your father 25 cents extra for what?

[Lou Costello]

The stork dropped me in a load sheet. The stork that brought you should have.

[Dagwood]

Been arrested for smuggling dope. Hey, hey, hey. That's a good one, Mrs. Niles.

[Blondie]

Stagwood, you keep out of there. I think Mr. Costello is right, Mrs. Niles. This is his program and he should have the leading part.

[Dagwood]

Oh, what does Costello know about acting? Now, me, I am part of the theater.

[Lou Costello]

Your lower lip looks like the second balcony.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, plea. Yeah, Costello. You know that Mrs. Niles was a dramatic actress.

[Dagwood]

That's right, Mr. Abbott, I. Why, it's been only five years since I left the New York Times stage to poke my nose into Hollywood.

[Lou Costello]

You didn't have to leave New York for that.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, please, will you cut that out and let Blondie assign the parts for the play?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah.

[Dagwood]

Now, now, Blondie, please give me a good part. With Abbott and Costello's audience, I'll be able to reach 30 million people.

[Lou Costello]

It's a good thing they can't reach you.

[Blondie]

Oh, don't mind Dagwood, Mr. Costello. He's always wanted an acting career.

[Dagwood]

Yeah, that's right, fellas. Every time I get near you real actors, I get the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.

[Lou Costello]

The smell of the Watts in your who?

[Dagwood]

Oh, oh, the smell of the grease paint in me nostrils.

[Bud Abbott]

Dagwood, the word is nostrils, not nostrils.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what's the difference? Nostrils. Nostrils. He's got the smell.

[Blondie]

Dagwood just doesn't know what to do about it.

[Lou Costello]

The smell?

[Dagwood]

No, my career.

[Blondie]

Dagwood, why don't you recite one of your poems for Mr. Costello? You know, like you do on our Monday night show. He might like to hear it.

[Lou Costello]

You want a bit?

[Bud Abbott]

Now, come on, Costello, give him a chance. Go ahead, Dagwood.

[Dagwood]

Go ahead, huh? Well, thank you, Mr. Abbott. You're a kind man. You remind me of my father.

[Blondie]

But, Dagwood, Mr. Abbott only has one head. Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

What am I laughing at? Why don't I think of a joke like that?

[Bud Abbott]

Go ahead, Dagwood. Recite your poem.

[Dagwood]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Bud Abbott]

Huh?

[Lou Costello]

Very well.

[Dagwood]

Now, this is called the Raven. The Raven. As I sat rocking, gently rocking rocking on my chamber floor Came a knocking, gently knocking, knocking at my chamber door Quote, the Raven nevermore. Say, how'd you like that, huh?

[Lou Costello]

Don't look now, but the Raven just laid an egg.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, let's go on with the play. Ken, Niles, will you please set the scene?

[Ken Niles]

Okay, bud. Ladies and gentlemen, we now present the Waste Paper Players starring Abbott and Costello and Dagwood and Blondie. We present tonight an episode from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs entitled the Seven Dwarfs Sat on the Wagon or the Surrey with the Shrimps On Top. As the scene opens, the princess is calling to her prince.

[Blondie]

Oh, Prince. Oh, Prince. Here, Prince.

[Dagwood]

Come, Prince.

[Lou Costello]

Here, Prince.

[Blondie]

Come, come, come here, Prince.

[Lou Costello]

Here I am, Princess. I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by greyhound.

[Blondie]

What's this?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, my dogs are tired. Ah, my lovely princess, let me smother you with kisses.

[Dagwood]

Oh.

[Blondie]

Oh, Prince.

[Dagwood]

Hey, hey, hey, Blondie. Hey, hey, what's going on here? He's kissing you.

[Blondie]

Oh, Dagwood, this is just a play.

[Dagwood]

Yeah, but he isn't playing.

[Bud Abbott]

Dagwood, you're not supposed to talk. Now, you represent the forest. You play the part of a tree.

[Dagwood]

What part?

[Lou Costello]

The set.

[Dagwood]

Hey, now, wait a minute. You're a three.

[Lou Costello]

Now. Never mind.

[Dagwood]

And I'm French.

[Lou Costello]

All right, never mind.

[Bud Abbott]

Here, just a minute. Now, Castella, please. Never mind that. Costella, go on with the play.

[Lou Costello]

Come on.

[Bud Abbott]

Go on with the play, Lou.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, now we go on with a play. Now, let me see, my lovely princess. Please let me smother you with kisses.

[Dagwood]

Yeah. Wait a minute. You just did that kissing scene.

[Lou Costello]

Mr. Costello, listen, isn't that Deadwood? A little too young for you, Blondie.

[Blondie]

Dagwood, in this play, Mr. Costello is my brave old knight.

[Dagwood]

I thought knights were big, tall fellows. This is spring, and the knights are getting shorter.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, will you please read your next line?

[Lou Costello]

Okay. My fair princess, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?

[Blondie]

My dead mother is so cruel to me. She makes me do all the drudgery. All day long it's wash and scrub and wash and scrub and a night. She makes me sleep in the broom closet.

[Lou Costello]

What do you hear from the mop?

[Dagwood]

Oh.

[Blondie]

Oh, woe with me. All I do is work, work, work.

[Dagwood]

I worked my fingers to the bone.

[Blondie]

And what have I got to show.

[Lou Costello]

For it, bony fingers? Hark, hark.

[Bud Abbott]

Princess, look. The queen, your wicked stepmother, approaches.

[Blondie]

But how did she get across the moat?

[Lou Costello]

She must have caught the guard with his bridges down.

[Bud Abbott]

Here comes the queen now.

[Lou Costello]

The Queen? She looks more like the three of clubs.

[Dagwood]

Good morning, my little princess. I have brought you a nice red apple. Hey, hey, hey, hey, blondie. Don't eat that apple. It's poison.

[Blondie]

How do you know?

[Dagwood]

I'm reading on the next page.

[Lou Costello]

Ha, ha, ha.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello. Don't let the princess eat the apple. You must save her.

[Lou Costello]

Here, Snow White, give me that apple.

[Announcer]

I'll make the ugly queen eat it herself.

[Lou Costello]

Open your mouth, Queen.

[Dagwood]

Oh, you silly baboon. This is me over here. You're feeding the apple to my horse.

[Lou Costello]

The teeth fooled me.

[Blondie]

Oh, my brave prince. You have saved me from the poison apple. How can I ever repay you?

[Lou Costello]

Come into my arms and let me smother you with kisses.

[Dagwood]

He hey, wait a minute. There's too much kissing going on here. Hey, Blondie.

[Connie Haynes]

Hey.

[Dagwood]

I don't like. I'm sunk, brother. Hey, Bobby, I don't like this plague. Come on. I do.

[Blondie]

Oh, go on home, Dagwood. I'll see you next Monday night.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Dagwood]

Come on, let's go home, Blondie. I'm getting hungry.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, what a spot for the poison apple. Here, Deadwood, open your mouth and I'll toss you the apple.

[Dagwood]

Oh, boy.

[Lou Costello]

Brother, he was really hungry. Only three seeds hit the ground.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, will you stick to the play?

[Lou Costello]

Pardon me, everybody. Pardon me.

[Bud Abbott]

I'm the NBC usher in this studio. Hold the door open, Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Stand back everybody. They move very fast.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, what was that?

[Lou Costello]

What do you think? It was the audience. Oh, get out of here.

[Ken Niles]

Evan and Costello will be back in just a moment.

[Announcer]

Thanks. To the Yanks of the week. Tonight we salute 2nd Lt. Paul M. Kerner of Pontiac, Illinois, who led 22Americans in four of our tanks against a German held town on the casino front. After smashing a German self propelled gun and a tank, Lt. Kerner and his men attacked fortified houses taking 30 prisoners, then sending some men back with the prisoners. The young lieutenant and 10 other men using tanks and bazookas took the town, capturing about 50 more German prisoners, including a whole battalion staff. In honor of you and your men, Lieutenant Paul M. Koerner, the makers of Camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Ken Niles]

Each of the four Camel radio shows honors a Yank of the week sends 300,000 Camel cigarettes overseas a total of More than a million camels sent free each week in this country. The traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than 3 1/2 million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week. A short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello with our guests Alan Hale and Sally Eilert. And now, here's Abbott and Costello with the final word.

[Bud Abbott]

Thanks, Ken. Well, Blondie and Dagwood, thanks very much for being with us tonight.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Dagwood, I listen to your program every Monday night and I'd like to know how you get through those doors without crashing.

[Blondie]

Oh, there's Nothing to it, Mr. Costello. Dagwood, take his hand and show him.

[Dagwood]

Okay, here we go. Hold the door open, Blondie. We're moving fast.

[Bud Abbott]

Gee, they made it. I don't see them.

[Lou Costello]

Dagwood.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, where are you?

[Dagwood]

We're down here. Who left the COVID off this manhole?

[Lou Costello]

Good night, folks.

[Bud Abbott]

We're going to tune in next week.

[Ken Niles]

For another great Avenue Costello show with a special guest, Allen Hale and the Sally Islands. And remember, get Camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, get Camels for more flavor. This is Ken Ny wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.