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Abbott & Costello 44-06-06 Who's On First
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Abbott & Costello 44-06-06 Who's On First
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- [00:00]
Bud Abbott
How to have fun anytime, anywhere. Step 1 Go to chumbacasino.com chumbacasino.com Got it. Step 2 Collect your welcome bonus. Come to papa. Welcome bonus. Step 3 Play hundreds of casino style games for free. That's a lot of games, all for free. Step four, unleash your excitement. Chumba Casino has been delivering thrills for over a decade. So claim your free welcome bonus now and live the chumba life. Visit chimpacasino.com no purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply. And I think you're an imbecile. And I say you're an imbecile. Now just a minute, boys.
- [00:35]
Lou Costello
What's all the arguing?
- [00:36]
Bud Abbott
Now you see better, Snyles. It's just between us imbeciles. How do you expect to get along with people? How do you expect anyone to like you? Oh, I'm a baby boy. Well, you certainly are. Mrs. Niles will be here any second. And just watch what you say. Try to be decent for one. Okay, Abbot. Now stay quiet. Here she comes. Costello. I didn't say anything, Mrs. Niles. Now that's right. I didn't say anything. Costello isn't there to be so nice. Absolutely, Mrs. Niles. He's not going to insult you. He's going to be a good boy. Aren't you then? Yes, Mr. Rabbit. See that? Gee, Mrs. Niles, I sure am glad to see you and buy the prize. Can this be me talking? Did you ever collect the insurance for the accident you had? Well, I didn't have an accident. Don't tell me you were born with that face. No. What did I say? All right, Evan, I'm sorry. Go ahead, wash my mouth out with soap. I said a bad thing. I'm a cad. I'm even lower than a cad. I'm an old Chevrolet. Oh, you know, Costello, I had a dream last night. I dreamed they were holding a contest to see which comedian had the most empty space in his head. So? Well, One comedian had 2 square inches of space, another had 5 square inches and another had 10 square inches of empty space in his head. I'll bet you that. She might have to ask, sis. That's why they were holding the contest. You certainly told him all that time, darling. Oh, you're so refreshing. You're my little grapefruit. Oh, no, dear. You're my little grapefruit. Oh, but you're my little grapefruit. Oh, I insist, dear. You're my little grapefruit. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just. I just heard from a couple of old squirts. There you are. Now you've done it again, Coachello. Now the only way you can square things is to buy a farewell present or a gift for the entire cast. Abbott, don't talk so loud. That's what you like to do. I did that very thing this morning, Abbott. I bought farewell presents for everybody on the show. I got some dandy presents in a department store. Why are you talking so old? Quiet. I bought them in the basement. Stop whispering Costello. What kind of presents did you get? I got a big box of candy for the boys in a band. Yes, and Connie, Hans and Mr. And Mrs. Niles and everybody. Just look at it, Abbott. Isn't that fine looking candy? For heaven's sakes, I've never seen such big pieces of candy. What are they, chocolate covered bananas? You dummy. I should have known better than to trust you to buy presents for the cast. Now we're in a fine pickle. Where are we going to buy anything at this late hour? Oh, come in, come in. I haven't choked Andy. I always come in handy. Woo. Well look who it is. Costello, our old friend Kissel, the salesman. Who could be. Yes, well, well, how do you do Mr. Costello? I haven't seen you in a long distance. Please, you're just the man I'm looking at. And you're just the guy I'm looking at. Kitsu, you know you showed me an electric razor two weeks ago and it's no good. Oh pish posh. No machine. Oh pish posh. It's no good. Well, by you impress my little man. That was not an electric razor. That's a riveting machine. A riveting machine. Yes, yes. No wonder every time I shaved it hammers my whiskers in and I have to bite them off with my teeth. Never mind that Costello. Look, have you got anything to tell us today? Mr. Ketchel, have I got anything to say? Yes, Borgy boy, now you're talking my language, if that's possible. Why I've got here. He's lost, he's lost. No, no, no, no. Today I mean the mansion business. Of course I'm in the mansion business. The mansion business? Yes, anything you mention. I got it. I got a beautiful line of musical instruments. I got trombone, saxophones, a violin, a trump. Wait a minute. Have you got a bike? Yes, and a couple of teeth. No, you don't understand. A fife is a long skinny things. Yes, yes, that's my saying. We don't want no musical instruments. What else have you got in your sample case? Wait a minute. Have you got a potato clock? A potato clock? Doesn't you talk a peculiar angle? Don't be silly. What? What in heaven's name is a potato clock? Well, you wind it up when you go to bed and it gets you up. Potato CL kiss you app with David Claude. I don't like her. Oh, excuse me. My line. Come on. Come, come, kizzle. Open that sample case and get out those presents. Now just a second. Just don't push me. What am I, a baby carrot? Look Mr. Kittle, we have no time for foolishness. What have you got to sell us? Duncan? What have I got to tell you? Why, in this little satchel I got gold rings, o rings, earrings, hair rings, cufflinks, snug rings, golf links and bobolinks, sport shoots, Wade shoots torches and wolfie juice clock, socks, fox and smock, must dimensions, jack suits, swimsuits, blue suits and uniforms, hot coats, sports coats, overcoats and anticoats sports size suitcase, home size of L size quirts, shirts, assorted nurse and a cheerleader.
- [06:19]
Lou Costello
Good news spreads fast. And it's good news that the Star Theater featuring singer Gordon McCrae, songstress Evelyn Knight and Victor Young's orchestra is on the air every Wednesday night over most of these same ABC stations. And what a combination of tip top talent that means a lilting 30 minutes of melody. Gordon McCrae is a man who has a special way with a song and he'll be singing the most popular songs of the day. Evelyn Knight, the last with a delicate air, also has a special way with a song, especially with a folk ballad. But that's not all. Victor Young's orchestra, the Jeff Alexander Chorus are also on hand each Wednesday night to add to the entertainment. So for a gale of time plan to join us when the Star theater featuring Gordon McRae, Evelyn Knight, Victor Young's orchestra, the Jeff Alexander Chorus is heard every Wednesday night and that means tonight over most of these same ABC stations.
- [07:13]
Bud Abbott
Suppose you walk into a baseball park. What teams are playing? I don't know. Then what are you doing in the baseball park? Ah, you got me in there. Now get me out here. What is the first thing you buy when you enter a baseball park? A hot dog. A hot dog without mustard. Oh no. Mustard goes with a hot dog. That was mine. Mustard was. Goes with a hot dog. I don't care what the mustard goes with. I'm not going to eat it. I don't like it. I mean after all. Just a minute. I Don't get excited. The mustard and the hot dog go together. Let them go together. I don't want to spoil any romance. Who's talking about a romance? I mean, after all, if I don't like mustard, I don't have to eat a few. Or anybody else. All right, I didn't know. What do you think you are, big man? If you come and eat mustard, I got to eat mustard. Well, let's forget about it. I got my likes and. All right, we'll forget about it. I'm not going to eat mustard for you. I mean, after all, mustard burns my tongue, and I'm not gonna burn my tongue for you on Oprah.
- [07:57]
Lou Costello
Don't eat it.
- [07:57]
Bud Abbott
It's a free country. I know that. If you want to eat mustard, you eat it. All right. Well, don't shout. There's no law for you guys. Oh, no, no, I know that. I know that mustard makes me sick. All right, who do you think you want to tell me I gotta eat something that I don't want to eat? I'm a married man. I got a wife and two children. I understand that. If I eat mustard, I get sick. I can't work. What happens to my kids? A minute. They wind up in the or. You're a fine guy. Sending my kids to an office. Don't get excited. What do my kids ever do to you? All right, you got to put them away in the office. Adam, get my kids out of the or. Wait a minute. What started all this nonsense? Mustard. Mustard. Wait a minute. Just a minute. You just don't. Mustard. I like Worcestershires. Here, George. You like that? Worcestershire shares. Worcestershire Share. Sh. You can't even share. Yeah, but you don't like mustard. I love Worcestershire. Look, suppose you walk out on the bridge and you jump off. I'm not jumping off any bridge. What are you doing on the bridge? You see things I don't like, and it's bridges and mustard. And if you want to burn me up, brother, all you got to do is stick me in the middle of a fridge with a handful of mustard. Wait a minute. Just a minute. You don't like mustard? Give me a reason. What are you, some big shot or something? Too big a guy to like mustard? I don't care for that stuff. I'm not saying that. You know where mustard comes from? You know where mustard comes from? I know. They don't scrape it off a mustard plant. No, no, no. They manufacture mustard. Do you know they spend millions of dollars every year to put up factories just to manufacture mustard? Do you know, those factories employ thousands and thousands of men just to manufacture mustard. And you. Just because you don't like mustard, what do you want them to do? Close those factories down and put all those people out of work? Now just. Do you mean to stand there and tell me that those thousands of people and make them one little jar are mustard just for me? No, no, wait. Let me. If they are, you can tell them not to make any more because I'm not going to eat. All right. Well, that's good. Yeah. If I eat that little jar of mustard that those thousands of people are making for me in a mustard factory, what happens to the poor people working in a wicker charge? Here, wait a minute. Just a. Let's close one factory at a time. Take all the people I put out of work in a mustard factory and put them back to work on that bridge and build it up again. Now, wait a minute. Look, answer one question, will you, please? Just one teeny weeny question. Ask me something with a little sense to it. Will you answer it? Yeah, all right, all right. Say you walk into a restaurant. You walk into a restaurant. The way the place is, on one side of the table a big juicy steak and one side a platter of beans. Now, which one would you eat? I ate the steak. You eat the steak. You know where that steak comes from? A cow. A cow. I hope Y you know what that cow gives? No. That cow gives milk. No, she don't. You got to take it away.
- [10:48]
Lou Costello
There may be a housing shortage, but tonight there may not be for some contestants on Go for the House. This is the exciting show heard every Wednesday night over most ABC stations, on which contestants can win a beautiful new honeymoon house built on a suburban lot right in their own hometown. Each Wednesday night, MC John Reed King calls seven couples to the ABC microphone. These couples each select a room of honeymoon house to furnish and are given seven questions to answer. As they answer each question correctly, a prize of some home furnishing goes into the house. After the third question, they can take their prizes or Go for the house. But to win the house, they must answer the special seventh question. Listeners also have an opportunity to win Honeymoon House. For complete details, don't miss Go for the House on the air tonight and every Wednesday night over most of these very same ABC stations. And now back to ABC's Abbott and Costello Show.
- [11:45]
Bud Abbott
Where are you going? Well, as you know, I have a baseball team. By the way, Costello, why don't you come along and play on the team? You mean it? Sure, why not? That's a good idea, Abbott, but I don't think I know any of the players. I mean, after all, you see some of these guys on the team. I'd like to know. Well, if I'm going to join your team. Here we go. Well, I'll introduce. Well, I'd like to know. What's this here? I'll introduce the boys to you. Suppose it's bad? You tell me who's playing on your team. You know, strangers may seem to give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names. You know, like Dizzy Dean and Daffy Dean. Who are you? Goofy. Goofy, eh? Well, now, let's see. We have on the bags we have who's on first, what's on second. I don't know. Who's on third. That's what I want to find out. I say who's on first, what's on second? I don't know. Who's on third. Are you the fellow that knows all the players? I certainly. Well, then, who's on first? Yes. I mean the fellow's name. Who? The guy on first. Who? The first bass player. Who? The guy playing first. Who is on first? Now, what are you asking me for? I'm not asking. I'm telling you. Who is on first? I'm asking you who's on first. That's the man's name. That's whose name? Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me. Who? The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who is on first. Have you got a contract with a first baseman? Absolutely. Who signed the contract? Well, naturally, it's no good unless he signs it. It's no good unless who signs it? No. So who signed it? Absolutely. When you pay off the first basement every month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it. Why not the man? The man's entitled to it. Who is? Yes. So who gets. Absolutely. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Whose wife? Yes. All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base. Oh, no, wait a minute. Don't twitch him. Don't switch him around. Juan is on second base. I'm asking you who's on second. Who is on first? I don't know. He's on third. Now, we're not talking. Let's get this thing straight. How did I get a third base? You mentioned his name. If I mentioned a third bas name, who did I say is playing third? No. Who's playing first? Never mind first. I don't know. What's the guy's name on third? Now, what's on second. I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on first? I don't know. He's on third. Here I go. Well, I can't take. Will you please stay on third base and don't go off. What is it you want? Third base. Now, why do you insist on putting who on third base? Now, who am I putting over there? Yes, but we don't want him there. What's the guy's name belongs on third. What belongs on second? I'm not asking you who's up second? Who's on first? I don't know. Third base. You got a outfield? Oh, yes, yes. The left fielder's name. Why?
- [14:04]
Lou Costello
I don't know.
- [14:04]
Bud Abbott
I just thought I'd ask you. I just thought I'd tell you. All right, but tell me who's playing left field? Who is playing field? I don't know. What's the left fielder's name? What's on second? I'm not asking you who's on second. Who is on first? I don't know. Third. Bash, is that Field's name? Why, he caught. Oh, he's center field. You know may as well as I do. Look, you got a pitcher on a team. Now, wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher? The pitcher's name tomorrow. You don't want to tell me today? I'm telling you, man. Then go ahead. Tomorrow. What time? What time what? What time tomorrow? You going to tell me who's pitching? Now, listen, who is not pitching? Take your arm. You say who's on first? Go ahead, have a draw. I want to know what's the pitcher's name, what's on second. I don't know. Three base. You want a catcher? Oh, absolutely. The catcher's name today. Today. And tomorrow's pitching. Now you've got it. All we got is a couple of days on the team. I can't help that. I'm a catch it too. I know that. I'll get behind a play, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's pitching on my team. And the heavy hitter gets up. Yeah. Tomorrow throws the ball. The guy that puts the ball when he busts the ball. Me being a good catcher, I throw the guy out of first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Now, that's the first thing you said, right? I don't even know what I'm talking about. Well, that's all you have to do is to throw the ball at first base. Yes. Now who's got it? Naturally, if I Throw the ball at first base. Somebody's got to catch it. Now, who caught it? Naturally. Who caught it? Naturally. Who? Naturally. Naturally, yes. So I pick up the ball and I throw it to naturally. No, no, no. You throw the ball to first base. Then who gets it? Naturally. That's right. Now it's up. So I bring up the ball and I throw it the. Naturally, you don't. I throw it the hole. Naturally. That's what I'm saying. You're not saying it that way. I said I throw the ball to. Naturally, you don't. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. Well, say that. That's what I'm saying. I throw the ball to who? Naturally. Ask me. You throw the ball to who? Naturally. Same as you. I throw the ball of first piece. Then who gets it? Naturally. Who has it? Naturally. He better have it. Now, that's that. Now, I throw the ball and naturally whoever it is drops the ball. So the guy runs a second. Who picks up the ball close to. What? What close to. I don't know. I don't know. Throws back to tomorrow triple play. Yes. Another guy gets up. It's a long fly ball to be caused. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn. What was that? I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our short. All right. What's all the excitement? Oh, I'm now Baby boy. Oh. Good night, folks. Good night.
- [18:00]
Lou Costello
When someone with a secret microphone comes in contact with an unsuspecting individual with human reactions, the result is Candid Microphone, a Thursday night program that's rapidly capturing the interest of ABC listeners everywhere. Candid Microphone is a program that tests people's honest reactions in various situations. What they say or do is secretly recorded by a man with a concealed mic. For instance, he may ask a strange girl in the park for a date, and when she answers him, she answers candidly, not knowing she's being recorded or the man with the mic may record the conversation of a man in a restaurant who suddenly finds he's left his wallet in the proverbial suit and can't pay his check. But whatever is secretly recorded does not go on the air until the man with the mic has received the full permission of the person or persons recorded. Don't miss Candid Microphone tomorrow night over most of these same ABC stations.
- [18:52]
Bud Abbott
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