Abbott & Costello 45-03-08 New Press Agent

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Abbott & Costello 45-03-08 New Press Agent"

---

Introduction

In the July 13, 2025 release of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio with the classic comedic duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. This episode, titled "Abbott & Costello 45-03-08 New Press Agent," showcases the timeless humor and impeccable timing that made Abbott and Costello household names. The episode features a blend of witty dialogue, memorable sketches, and delightful musical interludes, all meticulously recreated to evoke nostalgia for a bygone era of family entertainment.

---

Setting the Scene

The episode kicks off at [01:14] with Bud Abbott introducing the program alongside Lou Costello, accompanied by the lively rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra and the charming vocals of Connie Haynes. Abbott teases Costello with the promise of a surprise guest, setting the stage for the ensuing comedic antics.

Bud Abbott: "I've got a big surprise for you. Who do you think is coming over here tonight?" [01:14]

Lou Costello: "No. Pullet Goddard? Nope. Betty Graebert? Nope. Then I don't care."

---

The Introduction of Needle, the Press Agent

The heart of this episode revolves around Abbott's attempt to introduce a new press agent, Needle, to handle their public relations—a move that Costello vehemently resists.

Bud Abbott: "I've invited the greatest press agent in town to come here and handle your public relations." [02:30]

Lou Costello: "I'll handle my own relations? I couldn't turn poor old Aunt Minnie over to a stranger." [02:35]

Despite Costello's objections, the introduction of Needle leads to a humorous negotiation over salary and an outrageous press campaign plan proposed by Needle, showcasing the duo's trademark banter and comedic timing.

Needle: "Why, a man of my standing must receive a weekly stipend commensurate with my ability. Shall we say $500?" [04:10]

Lou Costello: "How can you afford the work so cheap?" [04:15]

This exchange highlights the exaggerated negotiations typical of Abbott and Costello's sketches, emphasizing Costello's reluctance and Abbott's over-the-top management style.

---

The Hectic Farming Campaign

Needle's plan to revamp Costello's public image involves an unrealistic and comically exhaustive farming schedule designed to star Costello in "action pictures." The skit humorously details an impossibly busy day filled with absurd tasks, each more ludicrous than the last.

Needle: "The first thing you do is you roll out of bed at 4 o'clock in the morning... chop a couple of pieces of firewood, feed the chickens, beg the goats, clean out the stables..." [04:50]

Lou Costello: "Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties?" [05:00]

Bud Abbott: "Certainly, my boy." [05:05]

This segment satirizes the often unrealistic demands placed on public figures and the lengths to which promoters will go to craft a public persona, all delivered with the classic Abbott and Costello humor.

---

Musical Interlude: Connie Haynes Sings

At [08:08], Connie Haynes performs "Accentuate the Positive," providing a delightful musical interlude that contrasts with the fast-paced comedy, offering listeners a moment of melodic respite.

Lou Costello: "Gather round me, everybody gather round me... [lyrics continue]" [08:08]

The song's upbeat tempo and positive message align perfectly with the show's comedic tone, enhancing the overall listening experience.

---

The Two Bedouins Play

One of the episode's highlights is the comedic play within the show, titled "The Two Bedouins or It's Time to Change the Sheets." This skit parodies exotic adventure tales and showcases Abbott and Costello's versatility as performers.

Bud Abbott: "As the scene opens, we see two footsore and weary Arabs trudging across the desert." [12:10]

Lou Costello: "I mean, I can't take another step. The sand is terrible." [13:00]

The play includes humorous misunderstandings, slapstick situations, and witty one-liners that play off cultural stereotypes of the time, all handled with the duo's signature charm.

Bud Abbott: "We escaped from the Sultan and saved the beautiful princess." [15:21]

Lou Costello: "That's it, Zingo, I'm ready for lunch." [15:29]

These lines encapsulate the playful dynamic between Abbott's straight-man role and Costello's bumbling character, delivering laughter through their impeccable timing and chemistry.

---

Final Acts and Wrap-Up

As the play concludes, Abbott and Costello return to their regular personas, seamlessly transitioning from skit to show conclusion.

Bud Abbott: "Well, Castello, you did a grand job of acting tonight." [21:37]

Lou Costello: "Thank you, Abbott, and remember, I was working under a handicap." [21:40]

The episode wraps up with Costello humorously referencing his "handicap," maintaining the light-hearted and self-deprecating humor that fans have come to love.

---

Conclusion

"Abbott & Costello 45-03-08 New Press Agent" is a masterful recreation of the classic Abbott and Costello radio show, blending sharp wit, memorable characters, and engaging sketches. From the initial introduction of an overzealous press agent to the hilariously demanding farming campaign and the enchanting musical interlude, the episode captures the essence of the duo's enduring appeal. The inclusion of a playful play within the show further showcases their versatility and comedic prowess. For both longtime fans and newcomers, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into the golden age of radio comedy, ensuring that Abbott and Costello's legacy continues to entertain audiences for generations to come.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Bud Abbott: "I've got a big surprise for you. Who do you think is coming over here tonight?" [01:14]

• Lou Costello: "I'll handle my own relations? I couldn't turn poor old Aunt Minnie over to a stranger." [02:35]

• Needle: "Shall we say $500?" [04:10]

• Lou Costello: "Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties?" [05:00]

• Lou Costello: "I was working under a handicap." [21:40]

---

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the key moments, dialogues, and comedic elements of the "Abbott & Costello 45-03-08 New Press Agent" episode, providing both context and detailed insights for those who have yet to experience this classic radio entertainment.

Transcript

[Shopify Advertiser]

Starting a business can be overwhelming. You're juggling multiple roles. Designer, marketer, logistics manager. All while bringing your vision to life. But for millions of businesses, Shopify is the ultimate partner. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Build a stunning online store with Shopify's ready to use templates, boost content with AI powered product descriptions, page headlines and enhance photograph Marketing is easy with built in tools for email and social media campaigns. Plus, Shopify simplifies everything from inventory to shipping and returns. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com try go to shopify.com try shopify.com try.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello program. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes and that generous grubby little gob Costello. I've got a big surprise for you. Who do you think is coming over here tonight? Solana Turner? No. Pullet Goddard? Nope. Betty Graebert? Nope. Then I don't care. Oh, Costello, I'm surprised at you. All you think of is women. Don't you realize that here in Hollywood, pretty girls are a dime a dozen? A dime a dozen? Certainly. And I've been spending my money on jelly beans. And then sometimes I would buy scirocco. That's licorice spelled backwards. Talk sense, guys. Now look, I've invited the greatest press agent in town to come here and handle your public relations. Not so fast, Abbott. What do you mean? I'll handle my own relations? I couldn't turn poor old Aunt Minnie over to a stranger. You know, before I do that, I'd rather send it back to the kennel. No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about your relatives. I'm talking about public relations. Now, you're famous for your funny stories and this man will publicize your anecdotes. He wouldn't dare. He hasn't got the nerve. What do you mean? I don't mind being amateurized. I. Well. But when you're going to start with my antidotes. That's enough. Now wait a minute. Look, nobody is going to try to make me famous. At some point that will make you famous. I still still have my pride, you know. All right, listen, Costella. My amateur station's gone, but I. Pride. Listen, Costella, this man this man has great contacts with all the picture studios. He knows Cary Grant from RKO lot, Spencer Tracy from the MGM lot, Humphrey Bogot from the Warner lot. Does he know Cockeyed Louie? Where is he from the parking lot? Frank Sinatra. He can't knock that hard. Oh, listen me. He was here last week. Now that may be the publicity man. Come in.

[Lou Costello]

I beg your pardon. Which one of you is Mr. Costello?

[Bud Abbott]

I'm little Costello.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'm so glad I got here in time. I'm Mrs. Clutch, Mr. Costello. And my daughter's very sick. She's got the measles.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, that's too bad.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, and she listens to your program every week. And I come here to ask you a great favor.

[Bud Abbott]

What's that?

[Lou Costello]

Please don't go on tonight.

[Bud Abbott]

We want her to get well. How do you like that? She gets $40 for that one measly joke. Maybe that's Frank Sinatra. Although it's awful loud for an ox. That was last week. I gotta get him in. All right. Come in. Good evening, Mr. Abbott. Is this your partner, Mr. Cartello? That's him. I don't blame him. Certainly is. Now, wait a minute, Rabbit. Who is this guy? That's the publicity man. My name is Needle. But that's not the point. I understand you need a man to handle your business and up the pity. Could you give me that again, please? I say my name is Needle, but that's not the point. I understand that you need a man to handle you for business and your publicity. Well, I call. All right, I'll take the job. I certainly talked him into that one, didn't I? All right. Now let's discuss my salary. Why, a man of my standing must receive a weekly stipend commensurate with my ability. Shall we say $500? What? Thank you. I know you'd agree to that. Don't say nothing. Great plan for you, Costello. I have a campaign mapped out for you that will make you. Wait a minute, wait a minute. $500 a week. How can you afford the work so cheap? I do my own laundry. Well, now that you've signed the contract, we'll get busy with your publicity. Now, the first thing I'm going to do is get you a job on a farm so you can get some action pictures of you working on a farm. And what do I have? Very simple, Carcello. The first thing you do is you roll out of bed at 4 o' clock in the morning. Mil 20 or 30 cows fetch a few barrels of water from the well. Chop and a couple of pieces of firewood, feed the chickens, beg the goats, clean out the stables. And Zingo, you're ready for breakfast. Could I have an extra bowl of Wheaties? Certainly. Certainly, my boy. Now, right after breakfast, you overhaul the tractor, plow five or six acres, ground pick you a couple of hundred stacks of potatoes. Then you run over to the barn, pick a few tons of hay, then skip over to the orchard, pick 50, 50, 60 bushels of apples, crate them a pack of chipping. Then you spread the wagon load of fertilizer over the onion pack. And Zingo, you're ready for lunch. I'll just have a chocolate soda. I don't want to waste any time. Chocolate soda with chocolate. No straws. I'll gulp it down.

[Lou Costello]

I'm fast.

[Bud Abbott]

Fine, fine. Now, right after lunch, you get out your shovel. You dig a drainage ditch around the barn, repair all the fences, clean the paddles, churn the butter, thresh the wheat, spray the potatoes, prune the. Prune the trees, trim the hedges, weed the cabbage patch, fill all the land and bed down the cows, curry the horses. And Zingo, you're ready for supper. All I do is eat. Now, right after supper, you hitch up the buggy. You take the farmer's daughter for a romantic ride in the moonlight. Now she's gorgeous. Captivating redhead. A little white skin and ruby lips. You drive down the lane, you hold your hand in yours. Suddenly stop. She moves up closer to you, put your arm around her waist. Lift her ruby lift up to yours. And then you know what to do. Zingo, I'm ready for lunch. Well, you see, Costello, this is the man you need. Hey, A, where have you been? Where. Where were you when I was working on that farm? I mean, I've never been through so many Zingoes in my life. Now, now, Castellamus, the Needle is an honest man. He is Needle. Look me in the eye. Yes, sir. You wouldn't stick me, would you? Of course not, Costello. I'm here to build up your program. Now last week you had Frank Sinatra as your guest. Who have you got on your show this week? Abbott and me. Brother, you're in trouble. Everyone does that happen again next week I'll bring us to have a great universal six establish. It's a Rambe, as you guess. Good night, gentlemen. Did you ever see such a breeze in your life? Hey, isn't that wonderful, Costello? Turan Bey is going to visit us next Thursday. Is that what he said? That's what he said. Didn't you Hear him? No. You'll be here next Thursday. Oh, he'll be here next Thursday. Yeah. Turin Bey guy cooks some turkey, don't he? That's right. Well, in that case, I'll have to talk Turkey to him. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Now quiet, Costello. Turin Bey is not a Turkey. He's a Turkish gentleman and he speaks English. He's a linguist. He's familiar with many tongues. He's familiar with lots of tongues. That's right. He's a linguist. He didn't know linguists. He's a delicate person. No, no, no, no. Tongues are languages. Tongues are languages. That's right. Well, so long, Havoc. Where are you going? I'm going to get a language sandwich on rye bread with mustard. Lovely. Connie Haynes sings Accentuate the positive.

[Lou Costello]

Gather round me, everybody gather round me While I preach some. Feel a sermon coming on me. The topic will be sin and that's what I'm against in. If you wanna hear my story then settle back and just sit tight.

[Bud Abbott]

While.

[Lou Costello]

I start reviewing the attitude of doing right. You gotta act positive feelings money. It's a negative lesson to be affirmative. Don't mess with Mr. In between. You've gotta spread joy up to the maximum. Bring blue down to the minimum. I see the pandemonium libel to walk upon the sea. To illustrate my last remark. Yona and the whale Noah in the ar. What did they do Just when everything looked so dark, man. They said we better accent you at the positive. Em. My next a negative Lat on to be affirmative. Don't mess with Mr. In between. You've got to accentuate the positive. Eat the negative Lat on to the affirmative. Don't mess with Mr. In between. No, don't mess with.

[Bud Abbott]

Abbott. Right. You had no business letting that guy Needle invite Seren Bey over here next week. Why? I don't know nothing about Turkish actors. Well, what do you have to know? The only Turk I know is he's a Turkish civilian. A Turkish civilian. What's his name? Hassan. Been drafted. But Costella, surely you seem. No, surely you've seen Torrenbay on the screen. And his lovely leading lady, the Princess Ben Ali. Princess Ben Ali? Yes, his leading lady. Yes, I know a brother bowling alle. Hey, what was that?

[Lou Costello]

I am the Princess Ben Alley, Taran Bey's leading lady.

[Bud Abbott]

Leading lady? Get a load of that puss. He must lead her around by the nose. Quiet, Costello, quiet. She may be a. She may be a member of his harem. With that kisser she must be the harum Scarum. My Master, we made a picture called Lost in a Hill. I know, I know. Never mind that. Well, we lost all right.

[Lou Costello]

My master, Sahib Turande, has instructed me to prepare you gentlemen for his visit. I have written a play of the Far east which had put you in the mood to receive the master. Come, let us enter my tent so.

[Bud Abbott]

You may study your part. Abbot, she's been living in the tent so long, she's flat happy. Well, nevertheless, we're going to do as she says. We can't offend Turan Bay. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, through the courtesy of Turin Bay, we now present a soggy, sagging saga of the Sahara, starring Abbott and Costello and the Princess Ben Alley, entitled the Two Bedouins or It's time to Change the Sheets. As the scene opens, we see two footsore and weary Arabs trudging across the desert. Abbot, I can't take. I mean, I can't. I can't take. How do you like that? English? I can't take another step. The sand is terrible. What are you complaining about? I've got a hole in the side of my shoe and the sand keeps pouring in. Why don't you cut a hole on the other side and let it run out? Be quiet, Costello. Hey, look, here comes a man staggering towards us. Sand, sand, sand, sand everywhere. Sand all around me. And I forgot my bucket. Hey, who are you? Oh, just an old air raid warden. We should have saved him for a blackout. Now we should have saved him for a blackout. I hide it. Somebody's all right. Try it. No place for two blackouts. We must hurry, Costello. The lovely Princess Banali is being held captive by the wicked sultan at El Bay. That at El Bay has certainly gone to pot. Quiet. We're approaching the Sultan's tent. Help.

[Lou Costello]

Help. Save me. Save me, Castello.

[Bud Abbott]

That's the voice of the princess. It's coming from this tent. Hello in there. Hello in there, Princes. It's me, your friend, the Riff.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Rip. What do you hear from the raft?

[Bud Abbott]

Things are pretty rough with the raft, Riff. Rough? Try it. Hey, it's dark in this. It's dark in this tent. Princess, I can hardly see. There she is, Abbot. Boy, she sure has gotten skinny. You're looking at the tent poles, stupid.

[Lou Costello]

I mean, I'm the one over here with a turban on my head.

[Bud Abbott]

My, but that's a pretty turban.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, it was designed by Diana.

[Bud Abbott]

How do you like that? The new Diana turban. Come, Princess, we will help you escape from the swiftest. Hey, wait a minute. Someone's coming. Listen. The world will always welcome lovers as time goes by I love. Who is that? That's Humphrey Bogart. He's still walking back from Casablanca.

[Lou Costello]

Please, please, please, you must get me out of here. The Sultan is going to sell me as a slave.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't worry, Princess, we'll help you escape.

[Lou Costello]

But it's 500 miles across the desert.

[Bud Abbott]

Do you have a car? No. Do you have a jeep?

[Lou Costello]

No. Well, do you have horses?

[Bud Abbott]

No, but I got a wagon. But who's going to pull the wagon, my little Pekingese dog? Why, how can a little Pekingese dog.

[Lou Costello]

Pull the three of us in a big wagon?

[Bud Abbott]

We got whips. Somebody's coming. Hey, it's the Sultan. At Fay Eli Bay. So I catch a red handed trying to steal the speed of a princess. Oh, a double feature. Hey, Abbott, when I give the ignal say I'll stay the Ike sleigh. You get it? Pull out the lights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Come on, Costello, I've got the Sultan's horses. Let's go. Okay. Hey, Abbott, don't look now, but my horse's head is missing. Yeah, dummy, turn around in your saddle. Horses, stop. I got those things trained. No. We did it, Costello. We escaped from the Sultan and saved the beautiful princess. Now, this is the last scene. You gently lift the princess from her horse. You caress her slowly lift her veil. Then what do you do? Zingo, I'm ready for lunch. Freddie R and the orchestra play an old favorite. I get a kick out of.

[Lou Costello]

Each time I cling to your chest. I hear music divine. Hold me, my daughter, smiling and say that you'll always be mine the joy of something new. My arms are folding, you never knew this thrill before. Whoever thought I'd be holding you close to me? It's you I adore. Dearest one, if you should leave me each little dream would kill Deep wing in my life would be blue. Love me forever and make all my dreams come true. This joy is something new. My, my arms and folding, you never knew this thrill before. Whoever thought I'd be holding you close to me Whispering, you I adore. Dearest one, if you should leave me each little dream would take wing in my life Would be that the m would show Love me forever and me all my dream.

[Bud Abbott]

And now here are Bud Abbott and Luke Costello with the final work. Thanks, Ken. Well, Castello, you did a grand job of acting tonight. And your two little daughters, Patty and Carol. And our listeners are going to be mighty proud of you, Lou. Thank you, Abbott and remember, I was working under a handicap. A handicap? Yes. I have no talent. Hello.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Mr. Costello? This is Mrs.

[Bud Abbott]

Clutch. Hey, Abbott. Clutch just slipped in again.

[Lou Costello]

Do you remember me? The lady whose daughter has the measles?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Well, we just listened to your show.

[Bud Abbott]

Is your daughter any better?

[Lou Costello]

No. Now I've got the measles.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folks. Good night, everybody.