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Abbott & Costello 45-04-05 Hiring Andrew Sisters
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Abbott & Costello 45-04-05 Hiring Andrew Sisters
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- [00:02]
A
Member week is here at Lowes. That means it's time for Mylo's Rewards members to save big with up to 40% off hundreds of items like appliances, tools, home essentials and more. Plus, get free Standard Shipping. Shop these exclusive member only savings now through October 15th. Not a rewards member. Join for free today. Free Standard Shipping not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Exclusions and more terms apply. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details@lowes.com Terms subject to change. C A M E O M the Avedon Costello program brought to you by Camel. The cigarette of costlier properly aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes, and that sawed off, stubby, overstuffed little statesman who when invited to San Francisco for the United Nations Security Conference, proudly said. Castella. Castella. Castella, calm yourself. Why are you so excited? Hey, Abbott, I think the war is over. Oh, that's silly. What makes you think the war is over? I just heard the lady next door talking back to her maid. Oh, well, never luck. Never mind that. Yes, look, never mind that though. Look, you know we've got to drive out to the eight to the Bar Ranch to see the Andrews Sisters about the coming shore next week. Yeah. Now, did you borrow Ken Niles car? Oh, yeah, I borrowed it just like you told me. Well, that's swell, but I had a terrible accident, Abbott. What do you mean? I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Ken Niles wife won't like it. Well, we can do that when we come back from the Andrew Sisters ranch. No, I gotta turn the car over now or Mrs. Niles is gonna be mad. I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles. Where is she? She's under the car. She? She's under the car? Is she in a coma? No, she's wearing her evening gown. Oh. Well then let's get Ken Niles to help us lift the car. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us. Fine. Where is he? He's under the car too. For goodness sake, how did this accident happen? I bumped into another car, Rabbit. Boy, that driver was mad at me. He said for two cents I'd punch you in the nose. And what happened? He ran up a bill of $8. You were silly to argue with the driver. Why didn't you call a policeman? I didn't have to. I hit one. You hit a policeman? I hit a policeman. You hit a policeman in uniform? Nope. I hit him in the nose. Oh, this is liable to spoil our whole trip to the Andrew Sisters ranch. Did the cop recognize you? Yep. Could he swear to you? Yep. And I swear right back at him I said, oh, you David Copperfield, you terrible of Two Cities, you Oliver Twist. What did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens. Ah, this is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten you out with that policeman. Where is he? He's under the car too. What are they all doing under the car? Have you looked for an apartment lately? Oh, oh, here comes Mr. And Mrs. Niles. Better be to Cutello. No you don't, you fat headed, flabby, car flipping fool. Do you realize you left me out there under the car holding up my rumble seat? Don't stand there like an idiot. What have you got to say? Good morning, Mrs. Niles. Don't good morning me. Good night, Mrs. Niles. That day went fast, didn't it? Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the backseat of her car? Well, isn't that where they always keep the crank? Well, Kenneth, you had it coming. Mrs. Nile. Oh, now, be nice to you. Say something. Well, all right, I. Just a minute now, you worm. Don't, please. Go ahead, go ahead. Bowl me out, kid. All right. You're supposed to. Don't. Don't you try to wiggle out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. I'm a mess. Niles, without looking at your suit, you're a mess. But look at the spots all over my suit. Well, throw away the suit and wear the spots. Oh, Costello, I've had enough. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages. Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt? Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice it. Oh, come, Kenneth. Hey, come on, Abbott, think fast. I gotta get out of here before they come back with the cop. Oh, you can cause more trouble. We were going to the H of the Bar ranch to ask the Andrew Sisters for to appear on our show next week and you wrecked the car we were going to use. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. Well, let's get another car. We'll have to. Well, where can we get one? Matt, you drive. Me drive? No, you drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it, I drive it. Drive what a u. Drive. Why should I drive when you want to drive? I'm going to drive. Look Costella, I'm Renting a U drive and I drive it. Oh, then we both drive. No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive. Although it's a you drive. When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. No, you mean you drive because I don't drive. Now you got it. Now I. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now, look at it. You go to a place and you're gonna rent a car. Yes. You are driving a car? Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. And you're positive that I am not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving the car? Yes. All right. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving. No, no, no. Look, I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car right now. Where are we going to get it? You drive company Now I drive Company I thought we were going alone. You don't understand. It hurts. You drive. Well, if it hurts, you drive. That is right. That's right. This is getting worse. Don't you see? The head of the company's hurts. That's too bad. What hurts him? Nothing hurts him. Look, every company has to have a head. Naturally. Now this company's heads hurts. Oh, well, let me take an aspirin. Listen, it hurts. You drive all over the country. Well, if it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive and get hurt? You don't get hurt. I'm not going to get hurt. You don't get hurt car. Nobody's going to hurt for me. That's right. You're not going to get hurt. Am I fools to get hurt? You're not going to get hurt. It's the hurt straight company. Oh, the hurts company. I still. I still. Look, Abbot, I. Am I mixed up? All right. It's very. It's very simple. Look at it. Thank you, boy. Look at it. Now, I don't want to hurt nobody. Will you listen to me, please? The man. The man's name is Flux Low. Please. Now, look, take it easy. The man's name is Hertz. He rents cars. U drive. It's the U drive all over the country. You drive all over the country? Yes. Not with that Opa, brother. What are you talking about? That's why I can't go. Opa. What do you mean, Opa? Only a puny a car. Get out of here Tonight, right now. Maybe A pal of yours, or the kid who used to live next door is parking his weary self in a nice muddy foxhole. Probably has been fighting for days. Never had a chance to take off his clothes. Not a bite of hot food and look at those lines in his face. Battle fatigue if ever you saw it. And the kid turns to you and says, give me a cigarette, will you, bud? Would you give it to him? And how you would your last cigarette if there was only one left in the pack. Well, that's virtually what you're doing by giving up the camels you want and can't get. These days when your dealer says, sorry, no camels today. An important reason is because Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guard wherever they go in their winning of the war, they have the first call on camels. A M E L F the service First Camel presents Will Osborne with arrangement of one of your favorites. My dreams are getting better all the time. Well, our two heroes, Abbott and Costello are driving their rented car over the desert to the Andrews Sisters ranch. We find them on the road, their motor merrily hammering away as they head for the ranch. Let's listen to these hammerheads. Well, Costello, no matter how you drive, the pedestrians always manage to get across the road somehow. Yeah, sneaky devils, ain't they? Yeah, I wish I was a truck driver. Why do you want to be a truck driver? Oh, they run into so many interesting people. Gosh, Telly, you're a dope. Hey. Huh? Hey, what's wrong? There's. There's something wrong. What's wrong here?
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What's wrong with this?
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What's the matter with this car? Our guest. Hello. Hello fellows. Have an accident? No, thanks, we just had one. Quiet, Costello. Say, mister, could you pull us to the nearest town? Nope, but my horse can. It's 10 miles to Palm Springs. I'll tow you there for $30. Here, just hook this rope on. Okay, here we go. I think the horse is. Horse. You know Costello, that guy is a gyp. Imagine charging, charging us $30 to pull us 10 miles. Don't worry, Evan, I'm getting even with him. How? I got our brakes on. Okay, Costello, here's the hotel. I'll ring for the clerk. Oh, clerk. Oh, jerk. Clerk. Oh, jerk. Clerk. Oh, jerk. A moment please. This is a very high class hotel and I'll have you understand I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration. Costello, will you act like a gentleman, please? Clerk, we'd like a room. All I have left is the bridal chamber. Do you want that Mr. Abbott, I do. Do you want it, Mr. Costello? I do. I now pronounce you room and bath. $5. Mr. Clark, just a minute. You don't understand. We were here on our way to the eight to the Bar Ranch, and our car broke down. We're going to see the Andrew Sisters. Ah, yes, the Andrew Sisters. Yes, they are so sweet. Every time I see them, I want to kiss them. My mind says no. My heart says yes. And what do you hear from your liver? Well, Mr. Costello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you to your suite. My what? You're sweet. You're sweet. You're cute, too. I like you. All right, all right. Come on. Clerk, what about our room? All right, Mr. Costello. It's on the 10th floor. Here's the key. 1006. Now get going. Okay, I'll see you later. Okay. All right, all right. I know you are. Now, listen, Clark, we want to get up early. We're going to the. Hey, wait a minute. 10th floor. 10th floor. Wait a minute. You sent Costello to the 10th floor? There's only one floor in this hotel. You haven't got a 10th floor. Good heavens, you're right. Oh, this is serious. Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no 10th floor. Come right down. Costello, speak to me. Are you. Are you all right? What can I do for you? Send a boy up for my bags. Hey, come on, Abba, let's get out of this place. I have never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? Yes, he humidity. Me. Humidity means damp. Well, let's get out of this damp hotel, you banana. Yeah. Look, you can't check out. You just checked in. Oh, it's the gypsy in me. Oh, shut up. You're going right to bed now. We've got to see the Andrew Sisters in the morning. Oh, here's our room. Come on. Oh, I wonder who that can be. Nobody knows we're in town. I'll take it.
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Go ahead.
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Hello? Yes, this is Lucastello. No, no, I'm sorry. I'd like to, but I just can't. No, now, I won't tell you. Who was that boulevard? They wanted to know what time it was. Ah, you're crazy. Now get to bed. Come on, hurry up. Okay, now we've got to get up early, you understand? Yeah, yeah, to get to the ranch. What's this? Pardon me, boys. I'm the chambermaid. I. I heard you two clowns had checked in. I thought you might like to hear a funny story. How about it, Abbott? This chambermaid might have something we could use. A good joke. We haven't had one on three pages. All right, go ahead. Well, did you ever hear the story about the double band? Nope. I just made it. Oh, this kid is gonna lay an eight. Oh, how dare you. I've never been so humiliated in my life. Now you see at it. She said the same thing. Humidity. She thinks it's a damp hotel, too. Oh, dampness has nothing to do with it. She said humiliate. Conjugated from the Latin humilius. Humiliate. Humilium. I humiliate. She humiliates. They humiliate. Now, do you understand? Yes, sir. Everybody in the joint is damp. Say, miss, if you're so smart, maybe you could tell me something. Our car broke down and we gotta get to the end of Sister's ranch. Now, how can we get there? On a jackass. Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you better get on to yourself. Hmm. What do you want to say? That's a very funny joke if you ask me, and I'll ask me. I think it's a funny joke. I think I'll try that one on Abbott. Hey, Abbott. Yes? Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then hop on my back. Okay. Out of 50 pounds of seawater comes one single precious ounce of magnesium. That miracle metal for airplanes. Sort of a parallel to the job of getting the precious tobacco for Campbell cigarettes. You see, oceans of leaf tobacco are produced in the United States each year. About a billion and a half pounds. But only a fraction of this enormous production is good enough for Camels. Then those choicer, costlier tobaccos are properly aged and blended in the time honored Camel way. Why, Camels just wouldn't be Camels if they were made of green, insufficiently cured tobaccos. So ask for Camels when you buy cigarettes. Their full, rich flavor and cool mildness make them worth asking for every time. Camels. War or peace, Camels are still Camels. Lovely Connie Hayne sings for her Camel fans one of the most popular songs of the the day. I'm beginning to see the light.
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I never cared much for moonlit sky I never winked back at fireflies but now that the stars are in your eyes I'm beginning to see the light I never went in for afterglow a candlelight on the mistletoe but now when you turn the lamp down low I'm beginning to see the light. You scrambled to the park shadow boxing in the dark then you came and caused a spark as a whole on fire now I never made Love by lanterns shine I never saw rainbows in my wine but now that your lips are burning mine I'm beginning to see the light Used to ramble through the park Shadow boxing in the dark Then you came and caused a spot that the ball's on fire now I never made love by lavender and shine I never saw rainbows in my wine but now that your lips are burning mine I'm beginning yes, I'm beginning to see the light.
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Well, come on, Costello. Costello, come here. We've got to check out of this hotel and find the Andrews Sisters ranch. Gee, Abbott, I hate to leave this lovely hotel room. I know, but I can't get it into my suitcase. What do you mean? My suitcase is full of towels. Costello, I'm surprised at you. Stealing towels from a hotel. What could be smaller wash rags? No. Come in. Ah, pardon this unwarranted intrusion, gentlemen, but I'm looking for Abbott and Costello. Oh, that's happened over there. And I'm Costello. You? No, no, it couldn't be. I'm sure, sir, I'm sure that Lou Costello does not look like a sawed off, pot bellied, imbecilic, flea bitten bum. Oh, yeah? You want a bet? What did I say? Just a minute, neighbor. Who are you anyway? Oh, pardon me, my name is Melon Head. I'm sorry? Well, with that. With that head you should be sorry. Put your hat on, please. It's bluff me. The head. Thank you. Look at that scalp, Abbott. His forehead goes all the way back to Santa Monica. Just a minute, Costello. I resent your remarks. I have plenty of hair. I mean on your head and foot in your shirt. Costello. Costello, before you insult him, please, before you install him, let's find out what he wants. Go ahead, Find out what he wants. Well, go ahead. All right, Melonhead, tell us what you want so I can insult you again. Gentlemen, I'm a theatrical agent specializing in television. Here's my card. Hey, there's nothing on the card. Well, television isn't here yet. Now, let's get down to business, Costello. Let's get down to business. I understand you boys are here to engage the Andrews Sisters to appear on your radio show. That's right. Now, Mr. Costello, if I could save you a lot of money. Look, if you found $14,987.50 in your pocket, what would you think? I think I had on somebody else's pants. Oh, no, no, no. Now, gentlemen, my proposition is very simple. The Andrews Sisters would cost you $15,000. But I happen to represent the Original Andrews Brother. The Andrews Brothers. Who are they? A great act, and the Andrews Brothers. The Andrews Brothers will only cost you $12 and 50 cents. Do you know what that means? Yes, that means they must be loused. Shut up, Costello. Mr. Melonhead, how can you afford to sell the Andrews Brothers so cheap? Oh, I was caught by the price ceiling, you see. Think of it, boys. The Andrews. The three Andrews brothers for $12. That's less than $5 a brother. Where can you buy brothers cheaper than that? I can buy the Smith Brothers for a nickel. Castella, stop. Stop. He got more hair as a beard than you got on your head. Yeah, all right. Did you stop quibbling with Mr. Melonhead? Well, I mean, he quibbled on me first. Well, so why? I mean, after all, I don't go around quibbling on anybody unless they quibble on me. All right. Well, forget about it. I got a good mind to let him have it some more. I'll quibble them with both barrels. Now, never mind the quibbling. I guarantee I can quibble feather than he can. All right, we don't want them all quibbling. Quiet. Might as well stop right here. We ain't getting no place. Mr. Mellonhead. Yeah? When can we hear the Andrews Brothers? When you can hear them right now. All right. Come in, boys, and sing for Abbott and Costello. Hit it. We are the Andrews Brothers and we are known as ministers could make much more money if we were only. Well, Costello, what do you think of the three Andrews Brothers? Well, they could be worse. How could they be worse? There could be four of them. Now, wait a minute, Costello. Let's not pass judgment until we hear the boys sing something else.
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Do you.
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Do you boys know Apple Blossom Time? Do they? Of course they. Boy. Go ahead, hit it. Sing a medley. I'll be with you in Apple Blossom Time. Sounds more like Apple Cider Time. I'll be with you and change your name to mine. They'll have to change more than their names if they want to get on this program. Here, Roy. So we have a barrel, boy. Roll it up, boy. Roll off the old bar. And a boy rolling on, boy. Rolling around. Boy, I wondered what happened to that guy. I mean, that's not funny. That guy not only rolled out the barrel, he emptied it. Well, Abbott and Costello. Didn't I tell you the Andrews Brothers were out of this world? They ain't out far enough. Let's not quibble, Costello. Look, where can you find a better bargain than these three wonderful singers? Think of it. Three brothers for $12.50. Now, why, you cost that much for three goats. Yeah, but look at the difference. Nothing doing. Nothing doing, Melonhead. Your prices are too high. Too high, Costello. Before I'll sell the Andrews Brothers for less than $12.50, I'll drown myself. Okay, you asked for more of that salsa bottle. Now get him out. Avenue Costello will be back for Camel cigarettes in just a moment.
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Thanks to the angst of the week Tonight we salute Lieutenant John Battenfield Mitchell of Brentwood, Pennsylvania engineer with the 9th Armored Division who risked his life to disconnect wiring from the explosives which would have blown up the Remagen Bridge over the rhine in just 10 more minutes. His action made possible the tank dashed to the Rhine's eastern bank. In your honor, Lieutenant Mitchell. The makers of Camels are sending to our fighters overseas 500,000 Camel cigarettes.
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Each of the two Camel radio shows honors the Yank of the week by sending free 500,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million Camels sent free each week. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are fighting and in cooperation with a Good neighbor policy also to Central and South America. Listen Monday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abbott and Costello who will have as their guests the famous Andrews Sisters.
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It's only human that these terrific blasts of good news from Europe should deafen us for the moment to the importance of our war with Japan. Let's not deceive ourselves. Japan is still strong in spite of the powerful blows we've been striking. Japan still has millions of fighting men standing in our way. Japan still clings to a fanaticism we can hardly comprehend. So stay on your job. Keep on buying more and more war bonds. Let your servicemen overseas know that they're not fighting alone. That you too are fighting a war.
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And now, here are Bud Abbott and Lou Costello the with the Final Word. Well, Costello, what have you planned to do next week with the Andrew Sisters? I'm going to show them up, Abbott. I am going to sing. Well, that should be of interest to music lovers all over the world. Have you chosen a song? Yes, Abbott. I'm singing that popular ballad entitled who Spilled the Beer on a Stove Or Foam on the Range. Good night, folks. Good night. Yes, folks, be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, Camels are worth asking for every time. See for yourself how Camel's mildness coolness and flavor. Click with well, the fishing season's come around again, and here's a wish I'm making for you. May all your bites be confined to your line, and may there be none from your pipe to plague your tongue. And you won't get that bite you don't want if you load up your pet pipe with Prince Albert smoking tobacco. Because Prince Albert gives you all that rich, full bodied, real he man tobacco flavor without any tongue bites. Why? Because it gets a special no buy treatment that makes it as gentle to your tongue as these April breezes on your brow. Also, Prince Albert is crimp cut for perfect packing, easy drawing, even burning. And What a bargain. Mr. Just about 50 pipefuls per package. More men smoke Prince Albert than any other pipe tobacco in the world, and one pipeful will tell you why.