Abbott & Costello 46-04-25 (133) The Sheriff of North Hollywood

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio - "Abbott & Costello 46-04-25 (133) The Sheriff of North Hollywood"

Release Date: July 31, 2025
Runtime: Approximately 24 minutes
Guests: Amy Arnell, Melonhead, Cactus Pete
Musical Performances: Karl Hoff and his Orchestra

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Introduction

In this entertaining episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello reprise their classic comedic chemistry in "The Sheriff of North Hollywood." Set in a quintessential Western backdrop, the duo navigates the humorous mishaps that ensue when Costello assumes the role of a rookie sheriff. The episode blends witty dialogue, slapstick humor, and musical interludes, showcasing the timeless appeal of Abbott and Costello's dynamic.

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Act 1: Lou Costello Becomes Sheriff

[01:01] Bud Abbott: Bud immediately questions Lou's sudden transformation into a sheriff, highlighting Costello's comedic inexperience.

[01:16] Lou Costello: "Have you heard of it? No, I just made sure I promised Hollywood." Costello humorously downplays his authority by misrepresenting his role.

The scene sets the stage for the ensuing chaos, with Costello's exaggerated declarations about enforcing the law juxtaposed against his evident lack of preparedness.

Notable Quote:

• Lou Costello [01:40]: "I'm gonna incarcerate every desperado. I'm gonna apprehend every brigand. And when I get them into the boss deal, I'm gonna give them 20 strokes with the boss tomato."

This quote underscores Costello's blend of bravado and absurdity, a hallmark of his comedic style.

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Act 2: The Duties of a Sheriff Explained

[03:31] Bud Abbott: Bud attempts to impart the responsibilities of a real sheriff to Costello through a mock scenario.

[05:20] Lou Costello: "Oh, Miss Huckleberry." Costello's attempts to embody the heroic sheriff archetype are continually undercut by his bumbling actions.

The interplay between Abbott's straight-man approach and Costello's comedic interruptions drives the humor, emphasizing the disparity between their characters.

Notable Quote:

• Bud Abbott [03:52]: "Suddenly the door opens, a man rushes in and says, I've struck gold. I've got a bonanza."

Abbott's narrative attempts contrast sharply with Costello's nonsensical responses, enhancing the comedic effect.

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Act 3: Musical Interlude and Further Antics

[14:17] Amy Arnell: The episode features a musical performance of "Story of a Teenager," adding a melodic break amidst the comedic turmoil.

[16:10] Bud Abbott: Following the song, Bud resumes the narrative, steering the plot back to the central conflict involving Mrs. Niles and the stolen cattle.

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Act 4: Confrontation with Cactus Pete

[18:32] Bud Abbott: The arrival of Cactus Pete, portrayed as the quintessential tough hombre, escalates the tension.

[18:53] Lou Costello: Engages in a comedic showdown with Pete, culminating in Pete outsmarting Costello by stealing his gun.

Notable Quote:

• Cactus Pete [22:06]: "I am Cactus Pete. The toughest hombre in this part."

Pete's portrayal serves as the perfect foil to Costello's ineptitude, heightening the comedic stakes.

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Act 5: The Climax and Resolution

[23:34] Bud Abbott: As the situation spirals, Bud attempts to salvage the scenario by explaining Costello's antics.

[23:24] Lou Costello: "Wait till he finds out that the gun ain't loaded." Costello's final gambit underscores the episode's blend of humor and absurdity.

The episode concludes with a chaotic yet humorous resolution, staying true to the Abbott and Costello legacy of entertaining mishaps.

Notable Quote:

• Bud Abbott [24:25]: "Good night, folks."

This closing line serves as a classic send-off, maintaining the light-hearted tone of the episode.

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Characters and Performances

• Bud Abbott: The straight-faced, authoritative figure attempting to manage Lou's antics. Abbott's delivery provides the necessary tension against which Costello's humor shines.

• Lou Costello: The well-meaning but bumbling sheriff whose comedic ineptitude drives much of the episode's humor. His timing and delivery are impeccable, ensuring laughs throughout.

• Amy Arnell: As the singing star, her musical performance adds depth and variety to the episode, providing a graceful counterbalance to the comedic dialogue.

• Melonhead & Cactus Pete: Secondary characters that enrich the narrative, offering additional comedic and dramatic elements.

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Musical Highlights

"Story of a Teenager" performed by Amy Arnell serves as a delightful interlude, reflecting the era's musical sensibilities and providing a respite from the comedic chaos. The song's themes of growing up and seeking independence mirror Costello's quest to embody a responsible sheriff, adding a layer of irony to the narrative.

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Humor and Themes

The episode masterfully intertwines physical comedy, witty banter, and situational humor. Themes of authority, responsibility, and the pitfalls of inexperience are explored through Costello's humorous misadventures as sheriff. The dynamic between Abbott's control and Costello's chaos underscores the timeless appeal of their partnership.

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Conclusion

"The Sheriff of North Hollywood" epitomizes the charm and humor of Abbott & Costello, blending classic comedic elements with engaging storytelling. Through a series of humorous missteps and memorable character interactions, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello deliver an episode that is both entertaining for longtime fans and accessible to new listeners seeking a taste of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Notable Quotes Recap:

• Lou Costello [01:40]: "I'm gonna incarcerate every desperado. I'm gonna apprehend every brigand. And when I get them into the boss deal, I'm gonna give them 20 strokes with the boss tomato."

• Cactus Pete [22:06]: "I am Cactus Pete. The toughest hombre in this part."

• Lou Costello [22:58]: "No, not at all. Here."

• Bud Abbott [24:25]: "Good night, folks."

These quotes encapsulate the essence of the characters and the episode's comedic flair.

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Tune in next week to Harold's Old Time Radio for more nostalgic adventures with your favorite radio stars, and relive the timeless humor of the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

[Bud Abbott]

C A M E L S the Abbott and Costello Program. Starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Brought to you by Camel. The cigarette of costlier properly aged tobaccos. The Abbott and Costello Program. With the music of Karl Hoff and his orchestra. Our singing star, Amy Arnell, and that chunky, chubby little cherub who when caught tying a handkerchief across his uncle Artie Stebbins nose because he heard him say he might have to blow in a.

[Lou Costello]

Hurry, calmly said, I'm a bad boy. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, what is this all about? Get ready. Come here. Hey, Lou. Oh, no. Now listen, what's the idea? Come here. Take it easy. Take it. Put that gun down.

[Lou Costello]

Okay.

[Bud Abbott]

What's the idea of coming in here with that 10 gallon hat and that cowboy outfit on?

[Lou Costello]

Have you heard of it? No, I just made sure I promised Hollywood. And look at that big gun. I got to go with the outfit. Okay, step aside, Abbott, and I'll show you how it shoots.

[Bud Abbott]

What kind of a gun is that?

[Lou Costello]

That's a horse pistol. I raised it from a coat.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come on. This is the most absurd thing I've ever heard of. You a sheriff?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. Me, a sheriff. Harriet, I'm gonna incarcerate every desperado. I'm gonna apprehend every brigand. And when I get them into the boss deal, I'm gonna give them 20 strokes with the boss tomato.

[Bud Abbott]

What did you say?

[Lou Costello]

Did I say something dirty?

[Bud Abbott]

Pastela, why do you always try to use big words?

[Lou Costello]

Because I'm educated. What do you think I am at J U R K?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, look, forget about it.

[Lou Costello]

I still.

[Bud Abbott]

I still can't understand why they ever made you the sheriff. You know, a sheriff has to be a brave man. Now, what have you ever done?

[Lou Costello]

What have I ever done? Yes. Well, one time I went out all by myself to capture 5,000 savage Indians. And then he went on the war path.

[Bud Abbott]

How many Indians?

[Lou Costello]

There was 1000 bloodthirsty Indians.

[Bud Abbott]

How many Indians?

[Lou Costello]

I was chasing 100 shrieking Holland Manchur.

[Bud Abbott]

How many?

[Lou Costello]

So I walked up to the old squad, bought a blanket. I bought a blanket in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, I thought so. Costello. What? A sheriff? Why, you haven't even got a horse.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I got a horse, Abbot. He's my pal. I eat with my horse. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse.

[Bud Abbott]

Why do you sleep with your horse?

[Lou Costello]

I have to. It's his blanket. Horses love me, Abbot.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

When I was a little boy, horses would come up and rub their necks against me. People used to say, look at the horse's neck, Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, talk sense, will you please?

[Lou Costello]

Does that sound how I read it?

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind.

[Lou Costello]

Listen, please.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, that's just the way it sounds.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Everett, there's my horse standing outside over there. Isn't he a beauty?

[Bud Abbott]

Beauty? Why that horse has only only three legs. He only has one leg in front.

[Lou Costello]

I know, but it's in the middle, ain't it?

[Bud Abbott]

Take that horse back to the man you bought it from.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, but Crosby will like it.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, Costello, you don't know the first thing. You don't know the duties of a sheriff. Listen, I'm going to paint you a picture of just what a real sheriff has to go through.

[Lou Costello]

Okay?

[Bud Abbott]

Now suppose you're sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating breakfast.

[Lou Costello]

What am I eating?

[Bud Abbott]

I. Oh, a bowl of oatmeal. What's the difference?

[Lou Costello]

And it ain't me.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I eat Wheaties.

[Bud Abbott]

Look, you're a man who is ready for anything.

[Lou Costello]

I'm ready for a bowl of Wheaties.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you forget the Wheaties?

[Lou Costello]

But my mother always lets me have Wheaties.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, forget your mother.

[Lou Costello]

First I can't have Wheaties and now he wants me to fake it. My mother.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, never mind that.

[Lou Costello]

My poor old wire haired.

[Bud Abbott]

What?

[Lou Costello]

My poor white haired mother.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, well, read it for me.

[Lou Costello]

I'm just only kidding, Mom. Yeah, she gave me my name. Louis M. Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

What does the M stand for?

[Lou Costello]

Mink. She wanted a fur coat that year.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you cut it out, please? I'm trying to tell you your duties of the sheriff. Now listen to me, will you please? All right, put those guns down. Will you listen to me, please? I'm in your duty. There you are sitting in the Red Dog Cafe eating your bowl of Wheaties.

[Lou Costello]

Can I have strawberries on my Wheaties?

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right, you can have strawberries.

[Lou Costello]

Thank you.

[Bud Abbott]

Suddenly the door opens. The door opens, a man rushes in and says, I've struck gold. I've got a bonanza.

[Lou Costello]

Cancel the strawberries.

[Bud Abbott]

What for?

[Lou Costello]

I'll have sliced bonanzas.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, will you stop? Suddenly another man dashes into the cafe.

[Lou Costello]

And yells, lady, lady, do you listen to me?

[Bud Abbott]

I'm trying to show you your duty. Now get with it.

[Lou Costello]

He's laughing at my sliced bananas.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind. Listen to me. Suddenly another man dashes into the cafe and yells, come quick, Sheriff, the Indians have captured Harriet. Huckleberry, you run to your horse and you say, old pal, we've got to rescue Harriet. Yeah, she puts her wet nose in your hand.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, Miss Huckleberry.

[Bud Abbott]

And now thou the horse. Now, with a leap, you land securely in the saddle. Your face is stern, your grip is sure, your clutch is firm.

[Lou Costello]

How's my transmission?

[Bud Abbott]

Okay. And when you cut it out quickly, you mount your horse and tear up the street.

[Lou Costello]

Tear up the street? What? I got a plow horse.

[Bud Abbott]

Will you quit interrupting? You ride out across the prairie. You ride for hours and hours on end.

[Lou Costello]

That sounds logical.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, yes.

[Lou Costello]

Hours and hours.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah. All right, all right, all right. You ride for days and days until the seat of your trousers is worn thin. Then there you are.

[Lou Costello]

I knew I'd come through.

[Bud Abbott]

Finally, you discover. You discover the Indians camp.

[Lou Costello]

So what?

[Bud Abbott]

The Indians discover you.

[Lou Costello]

So what?

[Bud Abbott]

They start shooting arrows at you.

[Lou Costello]

So what?

[Bud Abbott]

Don't be a coward. Don't be a coward. The Indians will soon run out of ammunition. Their arrows. Their arrows are getting a little scanty. What was that?

[Lou Costello]

I got a little scanty in my panties.

[Bud Abbott]

After hours of fighting, you elude the Indians and reach Harriet Huckleberry. You sneak up and loosen the ties that bind her.

[Lou Costello]

I quit.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, you quit. Why?

[Lou Costello]

I don't know how to untie a girdle.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no. You untie the ropes. With a sigh of gratitude, she falls into your arms. She looks in your eyes and says, my hero. You have saved my life. From now on, I am your slave. Your very wish will be my command. Tell me, tell me, how can I save you? And what do you say?

[Lou Costello]

Bring me a bowl of Wheaties.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, nuts.

[Lou Costello]

Huh?

[Bud Abbott]

I said nuts.

[Lou Costello]

That's good too.

[Bud Abbott]

What's good?

[Lou Costello]

Wheaties with nuts.

[Bud Abbott]

For Camel fans everywhere. Carl Hoff and the orchestra play who's Sarina?

[Lou Costello]

Sam.

[Bud Abbott]

Pastel. You've been sheriff in this town for two weeks and you haven't done a thing to preserve law and order.

[Lou Costello]

Ah, yes, I have, Abbott. I just captured a dangerous character. There he is in that first cell. Let me out of here. I'll never do it again. I promise. I'll never do it again. I'll never do it again.

[Bud Abbott]

Who is he?

[Lou Costello]

He's the fellow that wrote Chick.

[Bud Abbott]

He's still singing. God, answer that phone.

[Lou Costello]

Sheriff's office. Sheriff Costello singing. Somebody put water in my gun. Do you catch bad men? Yes, I do. Well, catch one for me. I'm lonesome. Well, I got everything under control, Abbott. I think I'll sit back and smoke a Camel cigarette.

[Bud Abbott]

All right. Here's a match. I'll light it for you.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, I'm a sheriff. None of them sushy matches for me. I light my Camel with my Gun.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, you dope, you'll shoot your nose off.

[Lou Costello]

It's easy if you know how. Watch. Well, I'm tired of smelling anyhow.

[Bud Abbott]

Stop this silliness, Costello. Why don't you clean up this office? How can you stand all these flies in here?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I've got an agreement with the flies. They don't solve crimes and I don't walk on a ceiling.

[Bud Abbott]

Come in.

[Amy Arnell]

Hello, boy.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, hello, Miss Mucho.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Bessie. What can I do for you?

[Amy Arnell]

I just came over to congratulate you on being elected sheriff of North Holywood. My, you look so dashing in that 10 gallon heart. And that shiny barge.

[Bud Abbott]

Did you say S Barge?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, Abby, she's talking about the star I got pinned on my boost.

[Amy Arnell]

My, but you're a blog, little one. I bet you'll copy all the gamblers and dangerous bonders.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, I'm going after all the creep shooters and pick pookers and badminton players.

[Amy Arnell]

I wish you'd keep an eye on my bungalow. There's a nasty moor, there's a nasty moss who's been peeking into my boudoir through the window saws.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, a pooping tom, huh?

[Amy Arnell]

Well.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I'll take care of him. I'll take care of him, Ms. Monto.

[Amy Arnell]

I know you will. And a bra brick to moonlit Nick to you.

[Lou Costello]

And a big pile of brown bricks to you too.

[Bud Abbott]

Gee, she's a swell girl, Costello. Did you ever have a date with her?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, just once. Have it. But she ain't any fun.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

Well, we drove all the way down to the beach of Santa Monica to watch the moonlight rippling on the ocean waves. I was awfully disappointed. Why? All she wanted to do was Nick. Why do the writers make me read stuff like this? Sheriff Costello speaking.

[Cactus Pete]

Sheriff, my wife is very beautiful. She's 5 foot 2, she has big blue eyes and a gorgeous figure. Yes, what is it worth for you.

[Bud Abbott]

To follow her day and night?

[Lou Costello]

Will you take $200 from my new car? How do you like that Abbott? He hung up on me.

[Bud Abbott]

Hoot, man. Laddies. Ah, well, well, it's Scotty Brown. I've come here to ask the assistance of Sheriff Costello to stop a vicious rumor.

[Lou Costello]

Why, what's the trouble, Scotty?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, yesterday morning the word got around that my little son Angus had swallowed a 50 cent piece. And now 500 of my scotch friends are all trying to adopt him. See what you can do about it, laddie. I'm in a hurry to get home. What's your hurry? Well, I'VE got to get my wife's teeth home to her.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you've been to the dentist?

[Bud Abbott]

No, laddie, I always take her teeth when I leave the house so she can't eat between meals. Well, good day. Well, never mind him, Costello. Hey, look, a big limousine just pull up in front. It must be somebody important. Now fix yourself up here. Put on your 10 gallon hat then. Wait a minute. Where's your badge?

[Lou Costello]

I had it here a minute ago, Abbott. Let me see my badge. My badge, where is it? What did I do with my badge, Abbott? Now I gotta sit down a minute and see where I put it. I found that. I found it.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, please, please let me die with my boots on.

[Lou Costello]

I must die with my boots on.

[Bud Abbott]

I've gotta die with my boots on.

Why, I got a big hole in my sock.

[Lou Costello]

Is that the important person that got out of the limousine?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, it was a woman. Wait a minute now. This must be her now. Come in. Oh, hello, Mrs. Niles.

[Lou Costello]

Help.

[Amy Arnell]

Someone must save me from a cruel fate worse than death. My life is in peril. Danger lurks around every corner.

[Lou Costello]

Help me. Help me. Won't somebody.

[Bud Abbott]

Costella, Something's wrong with Mrs. Niles. I don't like the way she's acting.

[Lou Costello]

Neither do I. She's getting a lot of laugh.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, calm yourself, Mrs. Niles. What's the trouble?

[Amy Arnell]

Kenneth and I have a little ranch out near Cucamonga and the cattle rustlers have stolen most of my cows and I expect them around any minute to pinch my calf.

[Lou Costello]

Don't be silly. Who'd want to pinch your skinny calf? You think you're so smart, Costello.

[Amy Arnell]

Kenneth thinks my legs are pretty.

[Lou Costello]

Well, many a fish has been caught on bent pins.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, remember you are the sheriff.

[Amy Arnell]

Oh, I'll never get any help from Costello.

[Lou Costello]

What?

[Amy Arnell]

A sheriff?

[Lou Costello]

You don't even carry a gun. Oh, yes, I do, Mrs. Niles. I got a big.45 right here in my back pocket. Here, I'll pull it out and show it ya. Oh, well, my shorts had a hole in them anyway. Costello, what are you going to do about those cattle ruts?

[Bud Abbott]

Yes, Costello, we've got to get out to Mrs. Nile's ranch right away. Come on, let's get on our horses and be on our way.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, let's go. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Abbott. Wait a minute. Whoa. I can't ride this horse. It's so skinny. The ribs are. Excuse me, the ribs are sticking in my leg.

[Amy Arnell]

Oh, you fool.

[Lou Costello]

Get off my.

[Bud Abbott]

And here's Campbell's Lovely Amy Arnell with the song Story of a Teenager.

[Amy Arnell]

I'm a big girl now. I want to be treated like a big girl now. I'm tired of wearing bobby socks like kiddies do. I'm tired of going to dances in a flat heeled shoe. I want the boys to look at me and yell woo.

[Lou Costello]

Woo.

[Amy Arnell]

I'm a big girl now. I want to stay out late. I want to be treated like a grown up day. I'm tired of wearing pigtails and my pinafore lace. I want to be a dolly with a pin up face. I'm tired of holding hands I want a real embrace. I'm a big girl now. I'm a big girl now. I want to be daring like a big girl now. I'm tired of being babied like a kid of three. I'm tired of having chaperones who follow me. I wanna have some secrets in my diary. I'm a big girl now. I'm a big girl now.

[Lou Costello]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, salt man, shut off the ra. Ooh, that cheap help.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, never mind, Costello. We've got to find out where the Niles ranch is. Let's stop in this old mining shack.

[Lou Costello]

Welcome to the home of Termite, you hermit.

[Bud Abbott]

Why do they call you Termite?

[Lou Costello]

I'm a little bugged. Sit down a minute. I'm busy counting my gold. I got bottles and bottles of gold.

[Bud Abbott]

You've got bottles of golden bottles? Yeah. Oh, yes, yes.

[Lou Costello]

You always find gold in quartz.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, Termite. I don't see any gold.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I've got it in my pockets. I got pockets full of gold. You want to hear it tinkle?

[Bud Abbott]

Listen, I. I didn't hear anything.

[Lou Costello]

I'll do it for you again. Did you hear it, tinkle?

[Bud Abbott]

No, I didn't.

[Lou Costello]

How quiet the gold is tonight. How quiet this whole thing is. Look, Termite. We're looking for Mrs. Niles Cattle Ranch. Oh, the Niles ranch. Well, little fat boy, it's right over yonder where I'm pointing my finger. It's over that black hill. I don't see any black hill. There it is. You see the tip of my finger? Black hill's right there. That isn't a black hill. You need a manicure.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, come on, Costello, we gotta get to the Niles ranch right away. Let's jump on our horses.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, Giddy up, horses. Come on, giddy up, horses. Giddyip. Come on, get sound man. Wake up.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, wait a minute, Wait a minute. We're supposed to be riding horses.

[Lou Costello]

All right, so we can ride the old plugs in the engine.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, here we are at the Niles ranch. Look who's coming out the gate. It's Melonhead.

[Melonhead]

Ah, Sheriff Melonhead to you. Sheriff Costello, this is my county and I've got a shiny badge to prove it.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, and you've got a shiny head to match it.

[Melonhead]

Wait a minute, are you trying to tell these people that I'm bald?

[Lou Costello]

I've seen more hair on Bands Johnson's lapel.

[Melonhead]

Listen Costello, I'm the law around here and if you don't keep your nose out of my business, there'll be trouble.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute, Melonhead. You're talking a six gun Costello.

[Melonhead]

Six gun Costello? How come you're only wearing two guns?

[Lou Costello]

Six guns makes my pants fall down.

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute, melonhead. Mrs. Niles asked us to come out here and catch the cattle rustlers.

[Melonhead]

Well, there's a thousand dollars reward for the capture them cattle rustlers and I'm aiming to get the reward.

[Lou Costello]

I'll tell you what I'll do, Melon head.

[Melonhead]

Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

See which one of us is the better man.

[Melonhead]

Okay, that suits me.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello, he shot off your right ear. He shot off your left ear. Costello, why don't you shoot back?

[Lou Costello]

I can't see why not, My ears.

[Bud Abbott]

Were holding my head up.

[Melonhead]

All right Costello, now I'll give you a chance to shoot at me.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, here I go.

[Melonhead]

I caught that bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for breakfast. I caught the second bullet between my teeth. I eat bullets for lunch. Will somebody bring me a bowl of soup for supper?

[Bud Abbott]

Come on Costello, let's go to the ranch house and see Mrs. Niles.

[Amy Arnell]

Oh, thank heaven you're here. I hope you catch those awful cattle Russes.

[Lou Costello]

I know their leader. It's Cactus Pete.

[Bud Abbott]

Cactus Pete? Cactus Pete? Why he's a big powerful brute of a man. He has big rippling muscles of steel. Why Mrs. Niles, his arms are so powerful he could crush the breath out of a person.

[Lou Costello]

Oh well, I get the hat on. I'll go with you.

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, you stay here, Mrs. Niles. We'll bring back Cactus Pete dead or alive. Let's jump on our horses.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. The sound man is on the wrong track again.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey Castella, it's a tough looking cow town we're coming into.

[Lou Costello]

Hey Abbott, here's the Yellow Dog Saloon. Let's go in and see if anybody's seen Cactus Peter. All right everybody, come on in for a drink. No, no, no, not you horses, just you've had enough already.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Castella, we have a duty to perform. Hey, grab that man and fire that shot. Hurry up.

[Lou Costello]

I got him. I got him. Listen, you, what's the idea of shooting that singer? He was singing Ireland Must be Heaven. Course, your mother came from there.

[Bud Abbott]

What did he say, Costello?

[Lou Costello]

He said cement mixer.

[Bud Abbott]

Pote, Potay la castello. Here comes the hostess.

[Amy Arnell]

Welcome. Welcome to the Yellow Dog Saloon, senores.

[Lou Costello]

I am Rosita.

[Amy Arnell]

Muchacho. Muy cavallero.

[Lou Costello]

Come on over here and kiss your poor old father. Aha.

[Amy Arnell]

You like me, senor? No. Oh, everybody tell me that I have more curls than the Lincoln Highway.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, and those detours ain't bad either.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. I thought we came here to pinch the cattle rush list.

[Lou Costello]

You pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like.

[Bud Abbott]

Run for your lives.

[Lou Costello]

Everybody catch the.

[Bud Abbott]

Pete just rolled in the channel.

[Amy Arnell]

Cactus Pete? Oh, he is my. My boyfriend. If he finds me with you, he will kill me. I'm going to hide behind this door.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Abbott, the time has come. This is it. This is it. You wait here.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, good for you, Castella. For a minute I thought you were a coward. So you're going after Cactus Pete?

[Lou Costello]

Hey, no. I'm going behind a door with Rosita.

[Bud Abbott]

Stand where you are, everybody.

[Cactus Pete]

I am Cactus Pete. The toughest hombre in this part.

[Bud Abbott]

Costelli hit that cuspidor from 25ft.

[Lou Costello]

You think that's good? Watch this.

[Cactus Pete]

You make fun of me, eh, hombre? Watch this.

[Lou Costello]

I knew he couldn't top that one of mine. Sneaking a floater on me.

[Bud Abbott]

Quick, Priscilla, pull your gun on him. Quick.

[Lou Costello]

All right, get him up, Cactus Feet. Come on. I'm Sheriff Costello and I'm arresting you for stealing Mrs. Nile's cattle.

[Cactus Pete]

You are very quick on the draw, senor.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I have draw. Yeah.

[Cactus Pete]

It is a pleasure to have such a beautiful gun pointed at my heart. All my life I have wanted a pearl handle revolver. That is a beauty, senor. Do you mind if I look at it?

[Lou Costello]

No, not at all. Here.

[Cactus Pete]

Thank you. You little fat fool. I've got your gun.

[Bud Abbott]

Now stick him up.

[Cactus Pete]

Give me your money, your watches, your rings. Thank you, senor, and adios to you. You little stupid. Sheriff.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello. Costella, why are you laughing? He stole all our money. He stole our jewelry. Even stole your gun.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, Abbott, but the joke is on him.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

Wait till he finds out that the gun ain't loaded.

[Bud Abbott]

Now you're about to with the final word.

Well, Castella, you acted pretty stupid with that cattle rustler tonight. I thought you said you knew how to handle a garden. Oh, that was just for the program, Abbott. I'm really an expert with firearms.

[Lou Costello]

In fact, to prove it to you.

[Bud Abbott]

If that gentleman sitting down there in a front row will step up on.

[Lou Costello]

A stage, I'll shoot an apple off the top of his head. No, no. Anything but that. It's murder. He'll kill us all. Let's go. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You. Come here. Why do you always pick on me? Because you're always trying to show off. I'll bet you don't know the first thing about chasing cattle rustlers. I'll bet you're scared to death of a bull. Oh, no, I'm not. One time I was standing face to face with a charging bull. There he was, breathing fire, snorting and pawing the ground. Everybody was scared to death. But with one little word, I stopped that ferocious bull in its tracks. You stopped that bull in its tracks with one word? Mm. What was it?

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folks.

[Lou Costello]

Good night. Everybody in Patterson.

[Bud Abbott]

Be sure to tune in next week for another great Costello show, brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try Camels in your tzone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a T C A.

[Lou Costello]

M E L S.