Abbott & Costello 47-05-08 (174) Night in Haunted House

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Abbott & Costello - "Night in a Haunted House" (May 8, 1947)
Released: October 29, 2025
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Cast: Bud Abbott & Lou Costello, Marilyn Maxwell, cameo characters

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Episode Overview

This classic Abbott & Costello episode, from the golden age of American radio (originally aired May 8, 1947), plunges the comedic duo into a spooky adventure: Costello is challenged to spend the night in a haunted house for a $1,000 reward. Filled with witty banter, slapstick miscommunication, trademark wordplay, and appearances from supporting characters (including Marilyn Maxwell), the episode parodies haunted house tropes—while gently roasting the sponsors (Camel Cigarettes) and lampooning cultural trends of post-war America.

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Key Discussion Points & Scene Breakdown

1. Opening Banter & Mother's Day Shenanigans

(00:44 - 03:54)

• Abbott scolds Costello for being late and job troubles.
• Costello’s lack of education leads to clever wordplay about his “ignoramus” status and a tongue-in-cheek recounting of childhood poverty:
  • "We were so poor, my mother used to send me out on the street to beg for a piece of whole wheat bread. Why whole wheat bread? We were poor, but we were proud." (02:21)
• Discussion turns to Mother’s Day presents, highlighting Costello’s humorous “rare coin collection” and failed attempts at generosity.
• Abbott introduces the haunted house challenge: $1,000 to anyone who can spend the night there.

2. Wordplay About Ghosts and Apparitions

(03:54 - 07:00)

• Classic Abbott and Costello misunderstandings about ghosts, “apparitions,” hallucinations, and pronunciation gags.
• Costello confuses “apparition” with “operation,” and riffing ensues about “Irene Dunn did a ghost picture,” leading to the legendary “Dunn did” routine:
  • "If Irene Dunn did it, I done saw it. You all listen to me. I'm talking about the star Irene Dunn…" (05:21)

3. Haunted House Proposition & Jitters

(07:00 - 11:55)

• The haunted house offer grows more real; Costello’s cowardice emerges, abetted by further puns and Abbott’s needling.
• Encounter with a real estate agent (Mr. Brown) confirms the job.
  • Classic peer pressure sequence:
    • Bud Abbott: "You're not a spineless jellyfish… You're not a sizzy..."
    • Lou Costello: "You wanna bet?" (11:39)

4. Bookstore Antics & Supporting Cast

(12:06 - 15:11)

• The duo heads to the bookstore to “read up” on ghosts, encountering Skinny, a bottle-of-bourbon ghost joke, and Marilyn Maxwell, who flirts with Costello.
• Bookstore humor: punning about “best rulers” (bestsellers), “Uncle to a Cuban Y,” and playful nonsense reminiscent of children’s stories.
• Marilyn Maxwell offers to join Costello but jokes about ghosts having their own "ghoul friends".

5. Arriving at the Haunted House

(15:11 - 16:38)

• Comic buildup as Costello is frightened by his own shadow and ghostly sounds.
• Marilyn Maxwell sings "Beware," adding atmosphere and charm.

6. Night in the Haunted House

(18:45 - 25:05)

• Promotional banter about Camel Cigarettes, integrating sponsor message with comedy.

• As midnight approaches, Costello panics at perceived supernatural events (e.g., the hands of a clock at midnight: "That must be Pacific ghost time." (19:59))

• Encounters various “ghosts”—including one just “cold at night in California”—and ultimately Mrs. Wet Wash, disguised as a ghost.

• The twist: Mrs. Wet Wash is searching for a hidden treasure map left by her late husband. The group decides to search together.

  • Notable moment:
    • Bud Abbott: "Why you... wasted, wet brained weasel. This is no treasure, this is a dancing lesson from Arthur Murray." (25:36)

7. Ghostly Revelations and Resolution

(23:23 - 25:36)

• Costello converses with an affable “kind ghost,” who died of shock after finally finding a house.
  • Ghost: "When I found out it was vacant, I dropped dead." (24:07)
• Ghosts, Mrs. Wet Wash, and the crew eventually uncover the map—but it was actually a dance lesson, not a treasure.

8. Closing & Standout Punchlines

(26:04 - End)

• A final comedic sequence about dreaming of Hedy Lamarr and an outlandish explanation for waking up.
• Abbott and Costello sign off teasing next week’s adventure.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Costello: “I’d defy anybody to find out how dumb I am in five days.” (01:54)
• Abbott: “Doesn’t that make you an ignoramus?”
  Costello: “No, but it sure helped.” (02:16)
• Abbott: “A spook is a ghost.”
  Costello: “That ghost may spook to me, but I ain’t spoken to him.” (04:56)
• Irene Dunn Routine:
  Costello: “If Irene Dunn did it, I done saw it. You all listen to me. I’m talking about the star Irene Dunn…” (05:21)
• Real Estate Agent (re: haunted house):
  “Ah, yes. As the cow said to the farmer.” (11:13)
• Marilyn Maxwell (re: haunted house):
  “Well suppose while you’re sitting there in that haunted house an ugly old decrepit, hideous face should appear before you.”
  Costello: “Abbott’s got a date tonight.” (14:28)
• Costello (encountering a “ghost”):
  “If you’re a ghost… why your sheet? You’re wearing a blanket!”
  Ghost: “It gets cold at night in California.” (20:04)
• Abbott (examining the “treasure map”):
  “This is a dancing lesson from Arthur Murray.” (25:42)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Education & Mother's Day Comedy: 00:44 – 03:54
• Ghosts, Apparitions & Irene Dunn Routine: 03:54 – 07:00
• Haunted House Challenge Entrusted: 07:00 – 11:55
• Ghost Books & Marilyn Maxwell Bookstore Scene: 12:06 – 15:11
• Haunted House Arrival & Marilyn’s Song: 15:11 – 16:38
• In the Haunted House (Climax): 18:45 – 25:05
• Revelation, Treasure Map, & Arthur Murray Gag: 25:03 – 25:42

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Episode Tone and Style

• Classic rapid-fire banter, loaded with punning, malapropisms, gentle fourth-wall winks, and vaudeville slapstick.
• The language and tone: affectionate, farcical, family-friendly, and timelessly zany.

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For the Listener

If you haven’t tuned in, expect a quintessential “haunted house” comedy that lampoons both horror conventions and everyday logic. Abbott & Costello’s patter is as sharp as ever, mixing simple misunderstandings into elaborate, escalating comedic chaos—especially when words, ghosts, or reward money are thrown into the mix. This one’s a treat for fans of classic comedy, historic radio, or anyone needing a laugh with a little ghostly seasoning.

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Transcript

[Bud Abbott]

It's.

[Lou Costello]

That's right, folks. C for comedy, A for Abbott, M for Maxwell, E for Ennis, L for Lou Costello. Put them all together and they spell devil. Experience is the best, teachers. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. And draw up a chair for tonight's Camel show, starring Bud Abbott and Luke Carlo. Hey, Castella. Castella, come here. Come over here. Why are you late again? Well, how about I stop at the News and Show to get one of our records of our baseball routine? But there was a guy in there ahead of me and bought every one they had. Who was it? Leo Delosa. He wants to find out who's out first. All right, we'll tell him. All right. Well, I. Forget about it. How are you doing on that job I got you last week? Oh, forget that. What do you mean, job? Yeah, well, I worked there five days and the man fired me. Five days? Isn't that pretty short notice? George, I'd defy anybody to find out how dumb I am in five days.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, I'm a dop. And that's. I know, I know.

[Lou Costello]

That should teach you, you know. That should teach you the value of education. That should teach you the value of education. Education. Did you graduate from college? No. High school? No. Grade school? No. You're getting hot. Well, now, wait a minute. Doesn't that make you an ignoramus? No, but it sure helped. Anyhow, Abbott, my folks couldn't afford to send me to school. We were so poor, my mother used to send me out on the street to beg for a piece of whole wheat bread. Why whole wheat bread? We were poor, but we were proud. But I had a happy childhood, Abbott. You did? Every morning I'd take my father's hand and we'd walk to school together. And then at 4 o', clock, I'd call for him and take him home again. Pass out your money.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, man, what's going to school?

[Lou Costello]

I'd take him home. I know your mother. Your mother must have had a struggle with that family. But now you can make. You can make up to her. You can make up for everything. Remember that Sunday is Mother's Day. That's right, Abbott. Next Sunday is Mother's Day. Oh, then you do remember Mother's Day. Sure. My mother always sends me something. Why, you idiot. You're supposed to send your mother something now. Last year I sent my mother a check for a hundred dollars. By the way, that reminds me. I never did get that check back from the bank. No But I'll bet your mother did. Please. Here, here. No remarks like that, Castella. My checks are good. I have plenty of money. Why, it cost me $10,000 a year just to live. Habit. It ain't worth it. No, it's. What are you going to send your mother this year? I think I'll get her a brand new 1947 Cadillac. Where can you get a 1947 Cadillac? You can get all you want of them from the Cadillac Company. If you're a property owner. Well, no. But what kind of property do you have to own the Cadillac? You haven't got enough money to buy a new car?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, no.

[Lou Costello]

Then I'll put on my collection of rare coins. I got it right here. Look at it. Two quarters, three dimes and a nickel. Well, these are not rare coins. With me they are. Will you let me 10 to buy a mama nice present? No, I will not. You need money. I know where you can get a thousand dollars just for spending the night in a haunted house. Good. That's just the kind of job. What kind of house did you say that was? A haunted house. You see, the owner wants to sell it and he's willing to give $1,000 to the first man that would spend the night there is to break the cell, you know, the cell of the ghost. I ain't going to get mixed up with no ghost. What do you mean? When people stop walking and talking, I'm screwing them.

[Bud Abbott]

I am not.

[Lou Costello]

That dopey ghost is not real. When you see a ghost, you see an apparition, Abbott. When I had my apparition for athenitis, all I saw was a doctor and a beautiful Nistel. I'm not talking about an operation. I'm talking about an apparition. Apparition? Like in hallucination, Abbott. What in hallucination are you talking about.

[Bud Abbott]

Fellow?

[Lou Costello]

I'm talking about ghost habit. That ghost may spook to me, but I ain't spoken to him. I ain't holding no conversation with those strange ghost, you nit. But you can't speak to a ghost. No. You just said the ghost spook to me, you idiot. A spook is a ghost. You have nothing to be afraid of because. Because of the ghost is the house, you see, the house is only a room, boy. Well, what you say, and I really mean. What did you say? I said the ghost in the house is only a rumor. I wouldn't care if it was a little. This ghost is a rumor. A rumor is a tale. A mixture's tale that. Get it? I ain't going to no house. But it's a ghost with a fish's tail. No, I'm trying to explain to you. A ghost is. Now let's take for example, a ghost motion picture. Did you see the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did? Dun did? Yeah. What kind of talk is that? You mean Dun Dun? No, no, no. Look, Gar. Irene Dunn did a picture. A ghost picture. Did you see the picture that Irene Dunn did? Look at it. If Irene Dunn did it, I done saw it. You all listen to me. I'm talking about the star Irene done. Now, you know that gun does pictures. Gun doesn't. Well, shut my mouth. I didn't know that done doesn't. I thought that does doesn't. I'm talking about the ghost picture that Irene Dunn did. When I say that Irene Dunn did a picture, I don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture. I mean that Irene Dunn did a picture. And the picture that Dunn did is what Dunn's done. Oh, when you see that Irene done get a picture. You don't mean that Irene Dunn done a picture. You mean that Irene Dunn did a picture. And the picture that done did is what Dun done. Now you've got it.

[Bud Abbott]

Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[Lou Costello]

Experience is the best teacher. Give him a little more play, Mrs. You said won't be long now. He's getting tired.

[Bud Abbott]

Me too. This deep sea ticket is exercise.

[Lou Costello]

Mrs. Dorothy Allen News said. Holder of the international Women's all Tackle record for Cobia. Had to learn just like everybody else. It took experience to become a champion. As Mrs. Newsad said, experience is the.

[Bud Abbott]

Best teacher in D.C. fishing. Best teacher with cigarettes too. After all the different brands I smoked during the war shortage. I really appreciate Camels.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, experience is the best teacher. Experience during that war shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. People tried one brand after the other on their t zones that p the taste and te the throat as they smoked whatever cigarettes they could get. Results. Today more people smoke Camels than ever before. Experience is the best pie. Try a Camel. And while you light up a Camel here skinny Ennis with Mansell a small cafe man I rendezvous the violins were war and so are you man Jerry. And as the night sun my kiss began Star your love al Just like wonder no heart ever yearned the way that man does for you. And yet I know today someday you say goodbye violence. Your lovely eyes seem to sparkle Just like Wanda. No. How ever younger was it Manda before you and yet I know too well someday you gave you d violin was right. Well, Pastella, have you been thinking about taking that job in the home house? That thousand dollars would buy your mother a nice present some other day. Yes, habit. I've been thinking of the ghost all day. Even want to see the ghost picture that Irene Dun did. There's an old guy in that picture to take beautiful girls into the haunted house and they're never seen again. That old man must be a fiend. May be a fiend, but he ain't no dope. Right. Well, I continue here. Oh, yes, yes. You should have seen what went on in the house. In the first scene there's a gunshot and a body. Murder. Murder. And the second scene is a gunshot and another body. Murder. Murder. And the 13 is a beautiful blonde sweater girl. Murder. Murder. Well, never mind that. Hey, is the office of the real estate broker who's offering that reward to the man who will spend the night in the haunted house. Don't tell her. You're going to earn that money and you can spend a thousand dollars to your mother. Yeah, my mother could use that money to help one of our relatives get short of a nervous breakdown. Who's the relative with the nervous breakdown? That's right. Spend the night in that haunted house. We're going in there and get you that job.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you?

[Lou Costello]

My friend Costello wants to spend the night in your haunted house and earn that thousand dollars.

[Bud Abbott]

Ah, yes. As the cow said to the farmer.

[Lou Costello]

With the big hand. Boy, what a jerk. Now tell me, tell me, Costello, have.

[Bud Abbott]

You ever had any experience with ghosts?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure. One time I saw a whole flock of ghosts sitting around a campfire. What were they doing? Telling people stories.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, good.

[Lou Costello]

Well then, Carcella, you'll take the job. Not me. I ain't spending the night in the Hornet house car. You're not afraid of ghost. You're not a spineless jellyfish. You're not a sizzy. You're not a cringing yellow power. You Want to bet, Mr. Brown, Carcella will take the job. Oh, goody, goody, goody cartel.

[Bud Abbott]

The job is yours. Here's the address of the haunted house.

[Lou Costello]

And as Gideona said to Marilyn Maxwell, here's the key.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I'll see you tomorrow morning, I hope.

[Lou Costello]

Well, come on, Castella, let's go across the street to that bookstore and I'll buy you a book on how to handle ghosts. Look out. Look out for that car.

[Bud Abbott]

Look out.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what do you know? He stopped for it much for your ethernet. Hi fellas. Skinny Castella's going to spend the night in the haunted house.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh yeah?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. You know, our house used to be haunted. It was haunted by the ghost of a bottle of bourbon. Oh, you're not skinny. How could a bottle of bourbon. Bottle of bourbon can't die. Oh no, that was there the night my father killed it. Abbott, if that skinny ever becomes a ghost he will need a sheet. An empty tea bag would cover him. Remind him. Let's go into the books are. Pardon me? That lady over there where the ghost books are, I saw her. Pardon me miss, could you tell me where.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbit and Mr. Toello. You fought little one you.

[Lou Costello]

Well, well miss, what are you doing here in the bookstore?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, I just dropped into booze. Among the best rulers.

[Lou Costello]

Best rulers? Oh Abbott, you know what best schoolers are? That's like Rover Oor and how groom was my bully.

[Bud Abbott]

By any chance have you read uncle to a cubin Y.

[Lou Costello]

Prefer but I prefer the three little k who lost their mutton.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, I must be strling along. As we say in Chinese, old saki pull a kata sua in an old.

[Lou Costello]

Pot full of cottage cheese. And you too. Come on, come on, let's look for the ghost folks. Hey, hey, there's. There's Marilyn. Ah, lovely Maryland. Oldsmobile. Marilyn Oldsmobile? You mean Marilyn Maxwell Abbott? Did you ever see a Max with a tattoo like that?

[Bud Abbott]

Hello, Mr. Abbott. Hello, Lewis. Darling.

[Lou Costello]

Marilyn, darling, every time I see you my heart goes pitta patty. Knock, knock. What's the knock for? My engine always knocks when it's warming up. Maryland Castella is going to make a thousand dollars by spending the night in a haunted house.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh Louis, aren't you afraid?

[Lou Costello]

Afraid of what?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, well suppose while you're sitting there in that haunted house an ugly old decrepit, hideous face should appear before you.

[Lou Costello]

That's one thing I don't have to worry about. Abbott's got a date tonight. Come on Costello, we've got to get that ghost book. Come on.

[Bud Abbott]

Lewis, you remember the last time we met in this bookstore when the clerk wasn't looking? You. You kissed me.

[Lou Costello]

Shame on you, Costello, making love to Marilyn in a public bookstore. Where did you kiss him? Between the novels and the natural history.

[Bud Abbott]

Lewis. Lewis, would you like for me to come and sit with you tonight in that haunted house?

[Lou Costello]

Couldn't let you do that, darling. Suppose a ghost should come up and put his arms around you?

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, a ghost wouldn't do that. Every ghost has his own ghoul friend. Goodbye now.

[Lou Costello]

Well, come on Castell, it's getting dark. We've got to get over to that haunted house. Well, Castell, here's the haunted house. Brother. What a spooky looking joint. What's the matter? There's a big black thing following me. You don't.

[Bud Abbott]

That's your shadow. Yeah.

[Lou Costello]

Then why ain't it doing what I'm doing? Never mind that. Open the door habit. It starts in here. I ain't gonna stay in this house. Oh, don't be silly, Castella. There's nothing you'll be scared about. Careful Costello, don't step on that cat's tail. Okay.

[Bud Abbott]

Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

Who said that? I told you not to step on that cat's tail. I don't see any cat. There is no cat, just the tail. Camel presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, producers of the Technicolor picture the yearly for Camel fans everywhere, Marilyn.

[Bud Abbott]

Sings Beware you're getting to be. Take care my heart this is a bit to see. Don't listen to the l of his lovely laughter or you will cry ever after My heart violence in the night when you loaded with dynamite and you can never finish a dream you weren't meant to start. Beware and my heart violins in the night when you is near Loaded with dynamite you can never finish a dream you weren't meant to star Beware, care my home.

[Lou Costello]

Consider your T zone at T for taste and teeth with throat your true proving ground for any cigarette with your taste like the rich full flavor of choice, preferably blended tobaccos. Then try a Camel. Would your throat welcome cool mild smoking? Then try a Camel. Yes. See if Camels don't suit your T zone to a TE. When three leading independent research organizations asked 113,597 doctors this question. What cigarettes are you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was Camel. Yes, according to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. Well, come on, just. Ellis, it's almost 12 o' clock tonight. If you want to get that thousand dollars, you better get inside that haunted house and stay there until morning. Have it. There must be something awful wrong with that house. Why, it's been vacant two years. Not even a veteran has tried to rent it. Hey, habit. Look. What's the matter? I see two hands in front of me. Now they're coming together. What is it? 12 o'? Clock?

[Bud Abbott]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Lou Costello]

That must be Pacific ghost time. Hey, I'm getting out of here. There's a guy I Want to see outside? Oh, me? See you later. I Come back here, you sissy. Look over there Rabbit. There's a ghost in the corner. I think. A lady ghost. What makes you think it's a lady ghost? It's wearing a low cut teeth. I'm getting out of here now. Dam on you, you coward. Only a baby would be afraid of a ghost. Abbott, please pass me the pebbleum. Hello boys. I'm a ghost. Wait a minute. If you're a ghost. What Your sheep. You're wearing a blanket. It gets cold at night in California. What's the matter with you?

[Bud Abbott]

Just one of those spooks coming up the stairs now.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, wait a minute. You're right. But don't. Don't worry. I know. I know how to break the spell of the ghost. You must pull the sheet off that thing. Now I'll sneak around in the back of it and you pull the sheet off. Oh no you don't. Oh, all right then you pull the sheet off and I'll sneak around in the back. That's better. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Wait. Castilla, grab a cedar off the ghost. Hello. It's Mrs. Wetwide. Abbott. Put the seat back on.

[Bud Abbott]

Why Mr. Abbott, what are you doing in this haunted house with that horrible Halloween pumpkin? Oh, pardon me. It's Costello.

[Lou Costello]

I wish you hadn't said that, Mrs. Whitworth. Only today I was telling Amber what sparkling white teeth you have.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, did you notice him when I smiled?

[Lou Costello]

No, I passed your house this morning. There were hanging on a clothesline. Quiet. Listen, Whipwash. What are you doing in this haunted house masquerading as a ghost?

[Bud Abbott]

Boys, I'm going to take you into my confidence. I'm going to reveal a secret that nobody else knows.

[Lou Costello]

Maybe she's going to tell us her right age. Quiet. What is it, Mrs. L. Well Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you sure you can keep a secret?

[Lou Costello]

Sadly, I saw that new picture last night and I wouldn't even tell anybody why George Hapley was late.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll tell you. You see, this house isn't really haunted. It's just me playing the part of a monster face ghost.

[Lou Costello]

That's the best piece of casting we've had on this show all season. You shut up, Costello. This is Wet Wash. Why do you haunt this house?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, because I don't want to buy it. My late husband, Herman Wet Wash once owned this house and he hit a treasure map somewhere in this room. Now if you boys will help me find that map, we can dig up the treasure and Split it and we'll each get a third.

[Lou Costello]

Okay. But remember, Abbott, I want my full. Sir, 20% will help Mrs. Whitworth. We can each take turns holding the house until the map is found. Castella, you take the first eight hour shift. Good. I'll. I'll. Wait a minute. Why should I take the first eight hour shift? All right.

[Bud Abbott]

So, Mr. Abbott, you take the first. This. And Castella, you can come next door to my house. And you go into the parlor and.

[Lou Costello]

M. Well, you talked me into it.

[Bud Abbott]

You coming with me?

[Lou Costello]

No, I'm taking the first ship. Well, I've been sitting here by myself in the dark for hours. But the darkness doesn't frighten me. Being alone doesn't frighten me. All this silence doesn't frightened me. That frightens me. That must be Abbot coming. He must have heard me.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, Abbott.

[Lou Costello]

I'm in here. See, Abbott, you all dress up like a ghost.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did you learn to walk on.

[Lou Costello]

The ceiling like that?

[Bud Abbott]

Look at Abbott. He's walking on the ceiling.

[Lou Costello]

He's walking on a ceiling.

[Bud Abbott]

That ain't Abbot. That's yourself. Get me out of here. Don't be frightened. Don't be frightened, little fat man. I'm a kind goat. I never hurt anybody. I can't help. But if I'm a ghost.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you seem all right. Tell me, how did you become a ghost?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, up until three weeks ago, I was a man just like you. And I had no place to live. I looked and looked and looked for a house. And finally I located this house. And when I found out it was vacant, I dropped dead.

[Lou Costello]

That's a sad story. That's really a sad story. But my Uncle Mike became a ghost under very similar circumstances.

[Bud Abbott]

He did?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. He spent three years tunneling his way out of San Quentin and came up in the gas chamber.

[Bud Abbott]

That's bad too. But I want you to do me a favor. There's a very ugly woman that keeps running through this house every night, and I'm afraid of her.

[Lou Costello]

None of us speech will speak to her. You mean none of you folks will speak to her.

[Bud Abbott]

Don't tell me how to do a routine.

[Lou Costello]

I used to do jokes with a. You have to pay. How much money?

[Bud Abbott]

Seven bones a week.

[Lou Costello]

Must have been red skeletons. Seven bones a week.

[Bud Abbott]

Who is that woman that comes here every night?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, that's Mrs. Whitlor. She's looking for the treasure map her late husband hid in this room. Oh, that old thing?

[Bud Abbott]

It's over there behind the third loose brick in the fireplace.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, thanks. Get the Map and I'll take you right away. Third loose brick. Here it is, here it is.

[Bud Abbott]

Hey, rabbit. Mr. Wigwart, I found the map. I found the map.

[Lou Costello]

Wait a minute. Here we are. Here we are. Go.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, look, Ms. Rabbit, he found the map. Oh, golla, this is wonderful. I'll call the man and tell him that he can sell the house right away. Now you boys meet me in the garden and we'll dig up the treasure and spl.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, Costello, are you sure you're reading that map right? He's dug up his whole garden and he found no treasure.

[Bud Abbott]

Let me see that map.

[Lou Costello]

Here it is. Do it for yourself. It says take two steps forward, two steps to the right and three steps back.

[Bud Abbott]

Let me see that place. Two steps forward, two steps to the right and three steps back. Why you wh. Wasted, wet brained weasel. This is no strange. This is a dancing lesson from Arthur Murray. Oh, I ruined. What am I going to do now?

[Lou Costello]

Shall we dance? Oh, get him out of it. Will be back in just a moment. For Camel cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels are sent to service men's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Cheyenne, Wyoming, U. S. Army Valley, Ford General Hospital, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, U. S. Naval Hospital, Chelsea, Massachusetts, U.S. marine Hospital, Fort San, uh, Mexico and Veterans Hospital, Murphy's Borough, Tennessee. Camel broadcast throughout the United States three times a week. I rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Well, Costello, I hope you weren't too frightened when I left you in that haunted house. Oh, no, Abbott, I was afraid I sat in a Niecy chair and fell asleep. I dreamt that heavy Lamar had her arms around me and just as she was going to kiss me, I woke myself up. Why did you do that? I was playing hard for J. Oh. Good night, F. Good night. Listen to evidence. Iela again next Thursday night when Abbot and Costello When ABBA takes Costello to an occupational expert for an adoptability test. Now there's a couple of my class words. Occupational adaptability should be lots of fun when the boys tackle them next week. So if you're adoptable, for more laughs, just occupational receipt by the radio next Thursday, Pipes packed with Prince Albert really have pa. Prince Albert has pipe appeal two ways. A mellow aroma that appeals to the ladies and a rich full flavor with will appeal to you. Prince Albert is specially treated to endure again tongue bite Prince touch of smoke slow and cool for a pipe appeal be sure to smoke Prince Albert the tobacco specially made for smoking pleasure. Saturday night is quite a night in radio. You know the night of Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry on NBC. If you're not a regular listener already, you will be when you hear Red Foley sing your favorite American folk songs. When you laugh with Minnie Pearl and Rod Brassio. Remember the time and station Saturday night on NBC. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Avenue Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a camera. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. Thank you. Now for the Eddie Scatter Show. This is NBC, the national broadcast.