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Abbott & Costello 48-02-04 (200) Lou Inherits the Largest Diamond in the World
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Abbott & Costello 48-02-04 (200) Lou Inherits the Largest Diamond in the World
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And Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu. Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save, we say. That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's 8:00'. Clock. God, fellow, we're on the air for PDQ gasoline here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go at the Abbott and Cockfellow Show. Yes, it's the new transcribed Abbott and Costello show with a new sing Susan Miller and Maddie Malnick Orchestra and yours truly, Michael Roy. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Evan and Luke Costello. All right, Castella, your light. Where have you been? Well, I stopped off for dinner at Ricker Bean's 35 Club Restaurant and got into a tricky argument with the waiter. He yelled and screamed at me in front of everybody. Well, when somebody yells at you like that, the thing to do is give him a soft answer. I did. I hit him in the face with a custard pie. I got so mad I fainted. You fainted? Yes, I fainted with my right and swung with my left. I gave him the 013. What happened to two? I got that. You should stay out of fight. You can fight. Yeah. No. When I hit the guy, he thought I had a lead pipe in my hand. What made him think that I had a lead pipe in my hand? You know how I used to do a little professional fighting around Patterson? Ace in the whole Costello. They used to call me the Y. Ace in the hole. I was always face down. What happened to your fighting career, Lou? I finally lost my crown at Joe Lewis. Your crown? Yeah, my crown. My bridge and tree are my good teeth. You figured to lose fighting Joe Lewis? Well, it was an accident, Abbott. In the first round, I thought I recognized somebody in the fourth row. Who was it? I looked again. It was me. That's just the beginning, folks. 27 odd minutes of Abbott and Costello still to come. But first, hear this. A gasoline bulk plant is a sort of halfway point where gas is stored for delivery to service stations. And it's a fine old tradition of the gas business that the motorist who runs out of gas near a PDQ bulk plant gets a gallon to see him on his way. Even though gasoline is not ordinarily retailed. There. Now, I tell you this because the other afternoon a 46 Buick sputtered and died near a PDQ bulk plant. And the boys put a spot of gas in the man's tank and said, oh, that's all right. And wished him on his way. Well, he was no more than gone when around the block and back again he came out of his car and pointing this way and that and shouting, hey, it doesn't ping. What kind of gas was that? PDQ gas, they said. Yeah, but my car always pings, he said. Now it doesn't. Now you're using pdq, they said. And so he drove away, happy as a lark and looking for a PDQ station. He made a great discovery. Moral if your car pings, just run out of gas in front of a PDQ station. Next on the program, the Abbott and Costello. Costello. Costello, come over here. Just look at you. Your pants cuffs are dragging you on the ground. What's the idea? Ah, it's the new style, Abbott. I listen to all my pants flourishes. Why? To compete with the new look. The new look? If the girls will let me look at their legs, I'm not gonna let them look at mine. What's the idea of wearing. What's the idea of wearing your best suit to work? My club is giving a big party tonight. We're going to have favors for all the girls. At 12 o' clock we're going to turn out all the lights. Aren't you going to have any favors for the men? What do you call turning out all the lights? I suppose you're taking that redhead that lives next door to you. We had a lover spat. She's had the girl with her. She's been married three times and had eight children. She has? Yes. If she keeps trying to make me jealous, I'm going to break our engagement. Who are you taking to the party? One of the Powers models, Abbott. You know the names that's got those funny names? Is it Candy Jones? No. Is it Chili Williams? No. Is it Choo Choo Johnson? No. I got it. Sour Cream Shapiro. Sour Cream Shapiro. Say, Costella. She's the most popular girl in this neck of the woods. But any girl at necks in the woods has got to be popular. Sour Cream Shapiro. It's our Cream Shapiro. Isn't that a peculiar name for a girl? Oh, no, that's just a professional name, Adam. What's her real name? Sour Cream Schwartz. She's a very fancy dresser addict. Sunday I took her riding and she wore a riding suit. Monday I took her hiking and she wore a hiking outfit. Tuesday I took her to a dinner party and she wore a dinner gown. I can hardly wait until Saturday night. Why? I'm taking her to a birthday party. Those models are pretty smart girls. Costella, you know, my wife Betty used to be a model. She's got a face like a million dollars. Yes, sir. Long, green and wrinkled. But Stella, that's just your opinion. Some people think she's pretty and some people think she's homey. They're both right. She's pretty homely. How can you say that about my wife? Betty, she's gorgeous. She has long golden hair halfway down her back. Yes, it's too bad it didn't grow on her head. Well, anyway, my wife is smart. She has a trigger mind. Yeah, sure, she could screw it. She ought to give it back. The trigger. How can you stand out here and deliberately insult my wife? Believe me, Abbott, it's a pleasure. Not only that, but every time you meet her, you entrust her to her face. Every time I meet her, she still has the same face. Let me out, Costello. It's my wife, Betty. Oh, get out the net the barracuda are running tonight. Will you do Barracuda? I heard what you said about me. You pumped up picklefoot, pot bellied pygmy. Well, I'll break every bowl. Now, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Honey, take it easy. Cotzilla doesn't mean what he said. Said? Oh, then why was he insulting my beauty gel? I'll have you know that I'm famous for my gorgeous skin. I know, Mrs. Abbott. For years my sister has been trying to get skin like yours. Oh, well, now, really. Is that so? Is your sister a beautician? No, she makes alligator bag. Why so simple? Simple. A mighty little flirt. Just a minute, Har. I'll handle this. Cello. I am not going to stand here and listen to you insulting my wife. You hear me? Well, I'm just not going to stand for it. Well, what are you going to do about it? I'm going to sit down. Whose side are you on? Oh, I'm on your side. Honey, you know I love you. Don't I always treat you like a gentleman? Yes, it's about time that you treated me like a lady. I'll have you know that three men proposed to me before I married you. Philip, Roger and Grant. And when I married you, they were so unhappy that Philip took poison, Roger took gas and Grant took Richmond. God did it got devil. I want you to show Some respect for my wife. Can't you be more chivalrous, Fort? I'm always chivalrous. Yeah. Last night when I was walking Betty home, we came to a big, big mud puddle and I threw her coat down in the mud. Yes, and the next time you do it, take me out of the cold purse. That was my wife that said that. And I'm glad it wasn't me. Oh, buddy, you're so witty. Oh, honey, I'm not half as witty as you. Oh, I'm not half as witty as you. You. But I'm not half as witty as you, Billy. I'm not half as witty as you. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from a couple of half wits. Well, Bunny, I got to be going now. Why don't we have Cello for dinner tomorrow night? Oh, Mrs. Abbott, do you really want to have me for dinner tomorrow night? Why, of course, Cello. We will have dinner at 7. You get there at 4. Why so early? It will give me time to stuff you. Stick an apple in your mouth and slide down the store. That fella. I don't blame my wife for getting mad at you. You have one big mouth. What did you expect me to have? Two little ones? Your ignorance is amazing. What do you do to get so stupid? I can't tell you. Why, it's an old recipe that's been in our family for years. And you shouldn't call me out, Abbott. We should be pals like Damon and Pythia, Stanley and Livingston and the Russo brothers. Who are the Russo brothers? They're my tailors. And I promise to get them a plug tonight. Help. Help. Help. Oh, I'm in hot water. I'm always in hot water. They keep me in hot water until all my strength is gone. Who are you? Oh, just an old tea bag. That's Abbott's nephew, folks. If he had his life, kill him over again, he'd be a fool to do it. God, fellow, wait a minute now. First you insult my wife, now you pickle my nephew. I'm going to have to work on this show, Costello. You know, I was with Phil Spitali's band for three years. Phil Spitalloni had an all girl band. Now, how could you stay with them for three years? I kept my mouth shut. Why can't you be nice to Norman Costello? I'm nice to him. When he was sick in the hospital, I sent him flowers, didn't I? Yeah, Lily. Well, was it my fault that the operation was a success? Cable gram for Lou Costello. Cablegram for Luke Costello. I'm Luke Costello here. That'll be $4.95. Collect. $4.95. Here's $5. Keep the thing. Thank you. Don't mention it. I'd be ashamed to. I wonder who would be sending me a cable gram. Well, why don't you open it and find out? Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't I think of things like that? Oh. Hey, Abbott, it's from Africa. Listen to this. Dear Lou Costello, we, the people of darkest Africa, enjoy your radio programs very much. As you know, we have the largest diamond mines in the world here in Africa. And in your honor, we have named the biggest diamond in the world the Lou Costello Diamond. If you can arrange to come to Africa, we will be very happy to present this diamond to you. I'm William Ackerman, president of the American and African Diamond Syndicate. Hey, wait a minute. This is wonderful. Costello, we're right sick of it. You own the largest diamond in the world, the Concello diamond. I'll bet it's some rock. I'll bet it ain't as big as the rock that my aunt even got for her birthday. Did you get a big rock? Yes, and the warden says she'd better have it all broken up before her parole comes due. You know nothing about diamonds. Is that so? I gave Susan Miller a diamond for Christmas and it's as big as a saucer. Was it a real diamond? Well, she took it down and added a praise. The jeweler said that if she ever dropped it, she'd have seven years bad luck. I'll tell you what we'll do. We go to Africa, get the diamond. When we get back here, we'll sell it and you'll split the money with me. I'll split the money with you. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, all right. I've always got to give in. Then I'll split the money with you. Well, that's better. All right. Wait a minute. That's the same thing. Why should I split it with you? It's my diamond, ain't it? But, Lou, don't we always split everything? I guess you're right, Abbott. If I had two cigarettes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two pairs of shoes, I'd give you one. That's right. And if I had two blondes. Yes. Why don't you light that cigarette, put on those shoes and take a walk to yourself. Now, Castella, we're going to Athens. I hope you're not afraid of wild animals. Me? No, I'M not afraid of lions. I once went out and killed the lion with my club. You killed a lion with your club? Yes, of course. There's 200 members in my club. I don't believe you were ever in Africa. Oh, no. One time I was a big gay. I was. I was big game hunting in Africa with my brother in law. A wild alligator attacked my brother in law. I threw my trusty gun to my shoulder and fired. Did you get him? I never missed. See the stuff I'm wearing? Yeah. Genuine alligator. Nope. Genuine brother in law. Come on, Abbott. We're going to go to Africa and get that diamond. Before Abbott and Costello bring you more laughs, listen to 55 seconds of discourse on a different subject. Some time ago on this program, we publicly invited all oil companies to adopt PDQ's long standing practice of washing windshields. The response was instantaneous. We heard from quite a few of them. PDQ is happy indeed to have made this contribution to the industry. Right now, our engineers in charge of pioneering and leadership are about to claim are about to offer another breathtaking idea. Free air at all filling stations. Another traditional PDQ service which we predict will be widely copied. Meantime, of course, if you're driving around on flat tires, we suggest you stop in and have your neighborhood PDQ dealer inflate them. For here at the PDQ stations and nowhere else will you be able to fill up with mileage stretching quick performing PDQ gasoline. Don't be misled into thinking that just because they wash your windshield and check your tires in some other filling station that you are getting genuine PDQ gasoline. Look for the big long mileage on the speedometer and be sure you buy pdq. And now act two of the Abbott and Costello pantomime for pdq. I'm confessing that I love you only Susan Miller tells it better than I can as the singing star of the Abbott and Costello show joins with the Maddie Malnick orchestra of this perennial favorite. And Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu. Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Custom save. We save. That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Come to DSW for the shoes. Stay for the fun. Because let's be honest, if shoe shopping isn't fun, are you even doing it right? So go ahead Try something new. Try something different. Good different. Try something that feels like you. You know, the real you. And then definitely brag about it later. At dsw, you've got unlimited freedom to play. Find the shoes that get you at prices that get your budget at DSW stores or@dsw.com. let us surprise you. Listen. That I love you Tell me, do you love me too? I'm confessing that I need you Honest I do you every moment in your eyes I read such strange things but your lips deny their dream May your answer really changes Lady Blue I'm afraid someday you'll leave me Saying can't wait to be friends if you're there yet no, you breathe me all in life I can't see that I love you Bring the dreams of you in daily I'm confessing that I love you over again I'm afraid someday you leave me then can't we still be fam if you go and know you grieve me all in life all you depend Am I guessing that you love me? Dreaming dreams of you in vain I'm confessing that I love you yes, confessing that I love you I confessing that I love you over again well, Costello, you tell your mother we're leaving for Africa to get the Costello diamond. Yes, and my mother insists that I go on a boat and send my baggage on another. Why, that's in case either one of the boats get down. She won't lose everything. Don't be thoughtful. All ocean going boats are safe. Oh, yeah? Well, my Uncle Mike was a boat builder and he built a banana boat. He sailed it halfway across the ocean and it sank. Why did it sink? You can't build a boat out of bananas. Well, this trip to Africa might be dangerous as that. I know what I'll do. I'll call up Johnny Tarzan Weissman to go with it. He ain't afraid of dangers. He fights crocodiles. He breaks snakes in half. He goes through earthquakes and floods. He ain't afraid of nothing. Well, go ahead and call him. Okay. Hello? Hello, Johnny Weissmuller? Oh, Johnny, this is Lucasello. I'd like you to go to Africa with me. Oh, well, goodbye. Well, what does Tarzan say? It's raining and this mother will let him out of the house. Well, we're going anyway. Did you say goodbye to all your friends? Oh, but Hetty Lamar, it's gonna be tough. It's gonna be real tough taking Hetty in my arms and kissing her goodbye. But you don't even know Hedy Lamar. That's what makes it so tough. You're a coward. Think of the glory of such a trip. You may even turn out to be a discoverer like Columbus. By taking a trip he found out that the the world was round. Lou, I'd rather be a discoverer like Secretary of State Marshal. He took a trip and found out that the world was flat busted. Shame on you. I thought you were a brave man. Well, you told me your Uncle Mike was a lion. Honor. He was once. Uncle Mike was once. Uncle Mike shot a five legged lion. Are you sure the lion had five legs? Sure. Four of his own and one of Uncle Mike's. Doctor, what is that can of powder you're carrying? That's my own invention. Dehydrated water. If we're going through the jungle where there's no water for miles, this will come in handy. Dehydrated water? Yes. How does it work? You just open the can, take a little of the powder. Yes. And mix it with water. Come on, Castella. We're going down to the docks and see if we can get a ship that'll take us to Africa. But you can claim your diamonds. That fell. There's an old sailor over there. Ask him if he knows of a boat that's going to Africa. Pardon me sir. You know the ship that sailing for Africa? There's one, that filthy barnacle crusted tub over there. Nicknamed by Captain Bill's order, the lowest, most fiendish master on the seven seas. She's the powerful boat in the ocean. What's the name of that boat? The good ship Lollipop. Come on Castella. We're going to talk to the captain of this ship. He'll let us work our way though. After I think. Hi there, Captain. Just cracking you two swabs. I'm talking to my face, mate. Go Mr. Quit Bronz. You disobeyed my orders. Huh? I said raised the anchor. And you claim you didn't hear me? You know what that means? Hand me the Cat O9 tail. Take that and that. And that being it's your birthday. One more for good luck. Crew. You heard what I said. It's the mate's birthday. Happy birthday to everyone. That's that now. Soda made overboard. Now you two sloth. What do you want, Captain? Did you see a little fat? I'll go by you just a minute ago. Oh, well, here I go now. Come back here. Captain Castell and I want to get to Africa. Can you use two seafaring men? Yeah, I could use a couple of able seamen. But my Second mate had an accident today. He was coming out of that galley and he split his skull on the main mast. Well, didn't he know the mast was there? No, he didn't even know I was gonna throw it at him. Marcelo, you're a good sailor. Yes, sir. Remember that terrific storm the Queen Mary was in last winter? Yeah. Well, everybody on that boat was sick except me. Why'd you get sick? I ain't never been on the Queen Mary. My boy, I've been sailing through storms for 20 years. Well, that's nothing that in all them 20 years I never been off this boat. That's nothing to sniff at. And in all them 20 years, I've never had this bailer suit off. IPad. I like you. You guys, I'm going to take you to Africa on my ship. Abbott, you'll be my first mate. Marcelo, you'll be my second mate. Both at the same time. First mate. Ain't you afraid of getting arrested for bigamy? Come on, we're coming off. Men have fellow. We've been at sea for six weeks. The captain has washed overboard. We've lost all our instruments. There's a storm coming up. What shall we do? Batten down the hatches. I did batten down the hatches. Batten them down again. We'll show those hatches. Please, we gotta bring this ship at the port. I'll get up on the bridge and call out the orders. You repeat them back to me. I'll repeat all the orders back to. You'll drive. Yes, sir. Reef the mainsail. Reef the mainsail. Close the scuppers. Close the scupper. Loop your poop deck. Loop your poop deck. Reef your mainsail. Close your scuppers. Lower your jib. Man your rifle. Tilt your rudder. Port your helm. Loop your poop deck. I see land. It's Africa. Boom. Straight ahead. Okay, Abbott, you grab the slope. I'll take the other end. Now I'll try this one. Now I'll try the other end. Now I'll try this one. Now I'll try the other one. Now I'll try this. Now I'll try this. Wait a minute. Now I'll try this. Fellow, what are you doing? I'm trying to make 20 knots an hour, fella. We're on the African coast. I can hear the signal drums of the natives. Abbott, I know the message they're sending. What is it? Gentlemen, go on the shore and see if we can locate the Costello diamond. Look, Castello, there's a Yang chief. Ask him if he knows the way to the Costello diamond. Chief. Yuvangi me. Costello. You know where we find Costello diamond? Chief. You bangy? Why don't you answer me? I can't. You're standing on my lower lip. Abbott. We still wasn't off the beach. Didn't I? Chief? You baggy. Chief. You look like a guide. Maybe you could help us. Yeah. I was a good guy five years ago when Frank Buck came here. He went a thousand miles into the jungle. Last year Buck was here and he only went 40 miles. What does that prove? That a buck don't go as far as he used chief baggage. Costello was summoned to Africa to be presented with the Costello diamond. You know how we can find it? Yes. Get through that jungle in the diamond compound. But first I have to get the permission of the natives for you to pass through. I'll send a message on this drum. What message did you send? Yeah. I said. Abbot and Costello request permission to enter your territory to be presented with the Costello diamond. Listen. Here come the answer. What did they say? Yes. Here. Just follow that path through the jungle. Come on, Costello. And be careful. This jungle is full of wild animals. Habit. Habit. Big monkey following us. I think he picked up your scent. What makes you think he picked up my scent? He's holding his nose. Look. Costello. Here's the head man of the village. He's coming to greet us. Yeah. Welcome to Africa. Abbott and Costello. Hey. How did you know our name? Are you kidding? I played the part of the upanish chief on the last page. Well. Well. Shut my mind. My good man. We've come thousands. I didn't see you all. My good man. We've come thousands of miles to the star, you all. To the star, you all. I'm from the southern part of Italy. We've come thousands of miles to get the Costello diamond. Could you tell us where it is? It's yours. Right up there where all them you bandies are playing baseball. You mean that's the Costello diamond? You. It's the biggest baseball diamond in Africa. You know all the players, don't you? Oh, sure. But the players in Africa have funny names. Now, Boo's on second and Woo's on first. Down. Down, down, down. Out of here. Jump in the seat. I can't get away from this place fast enough. We'll drive straight to Cape Town and take the first boat back to cap California. Come on. All right, you two guys. Pull over there. I'm going to give you a ticket. You're a Hollywood cop and we're 8,000 miles away in the middle of the African jungle. You can't give us a ticket? Oh, yeah. You're still inside the Los Angeles city limit. Get out of here. And that's not all. The boys will be back in just a minute after a few wise words from this fellow. Thank you, Mr. Chairman. At this time, ladies and gentlemen, before we continue with the entertainment I have several announcements to make. On Thursday, that's tomorrow. Thursday you'll get together with your neighborhood PDQ dealer and fill up with gas. Now, we're expecting a big turnout, so let's all be there. Friday, that's just day after tomorrow. That's a good day to have your PDQ dealer change your oil. All motorists are invited and there'll be plenty of free air and water for everybody. Now, some dealers report they haven't received PDQ credit card applications from all of you. Like to have you take care of that right away. It's important. Forms are available at all PDQ service stations. The PDQ Performance Committee reports the elimination of a great many pings. And I know you'll all join me in saying great work, fellas. Great work. Now I'll turn the meeting back to Chairman Charlie of the entertainment committee. You ready, Bud and Lou? Okay, thank you. And now, here are Abbott and Costello with the final words. Well, Costello, we certainly went on a fool's errand tonight. Africa. Yes, Alex, but I'm going back there someday with the greatest hunter in the world. Frank Sawbuck. Don't you mean. Don't you mean Frank Buck? Nope. Sawbuck. He's 10 times better than Buck. Good night, folks. This is ABC, the American Broadcasting Company. It's 8:30 at KECA and KECAFM and Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want you to feel it. Cue the emu music. Limu. Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save. We save. That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings variant by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates excludes Massachusetts. 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