Abbott & Costello Sam Shovel 48-11-18 (243) Case Of The Russian Diplomat

Summary

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Abbott & Costello “Sam Shovel: Case Of The Russian Diplomat” (Original Air Date: Nov. 18, 1948; Aired on Harold’s Old Time Radio, Oct. 14, 2025)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Abbott and Costello Show revives the classic Golden Age of Radio comedy through a raucous blend of slapstick banter, rapid-fire jokes, and the recurring detective parody, “Sam Shovel.” Lou Costello and Bud Abbott, joined by secondary characters, lampoon everything from Hollywood glamour to family foibles, leading up to the zany “Case of the Russian Diplomat”—a spoof on hardboiled detective tales, filled with wordplay, wisecracks, and running gags.

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Key Moments & Discussion Points

1. Opening Banter & California Girl Gags

[00:45 – 04:27]

• Costello recounts playing football with a California girls’ team, which leads to a string of puns on player positions (“You ought to see those fullbacks”) and feigned romantic escapades.
• Abbott mocks Costello’s intelligence, calling him “ugly, fat, dumpy, ignorant,” to which Costello retorts, “Don’t go any further” ([02:06]).
• Several jokes play off misunderstandings and word twists, including a bit about playing “Parcheesi” (“First I would kiss her, then she would kiss me… who told her that was Parcheesi? I did.” [01:31]).

2. The Hospital & Family Antics

[03:40 – 07:24]

• Costello’s story about getting hit by a car leads through his odd hospital stay (“It took me three days to get myself out of the maternity ward” [04:04]).
• He describes elaborate hospital desserts (“California sundae... six maraschino cherries” [04:07]), and mocks psychiatric help (“Any guy who’d go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined” [04:55]).
• Uncle Mike’s obsession with radio contests and a disastrous beer slogan competition is relayed in Costello’s classic befuddled logic.

3. Hollywood vs. Patterson: Women, Contests, and Chickens

[07:24 – 08:05]

• Jokes about California women versus those from Costello’s hometown.
• “I won a citywide contest... for being the whitest guy in the city. They gave me a chicken. A Rhode Island purple—she lays 30 eggs a day.” Abbott corrects, “Rhode Island red?” “Abbott, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she’s purple” ([07:47]).

4. Norman the Nephew & Baseball Dreams

[08:26 – 09:08]

• Norman, dressed for baseball, declares, “I live baseball, I eat baseball... I dream of baseball.” Asked about girls, he replies, “And then back to baseball!” ([08:43]).
• Exchange about Costello’s “moron tie”—“A moron is an idiot.” “Yeah, and only an idiot would wear that tie” ([08:54]).

5. Secretary Viola Vaughn & Highbrow Wordplay

[09:29 – 12:54]

• Viola is introduced, subjected to Costello’s advances and more puns: “That’s a gorgeous dress you’re wearing... it curves here, it curves there—some of it don’t even stay on the road” ([09:43]).
• Birthdays and linguistic confusion: “Even if you don’t express your felicitations on my natal day…” Costello: “Good. Now that you understand it, explain it to me.” ([11:39 – 11:50]).
• Costello’s poem to Abbott’s wife, “Give back the wool to those poor sheep—on them, it looks…” ([12:08]).

6. Scientific Wisdom & Family History

[12:54 – 14:14]

• Costello’s take on science: “The sun is five billion miles from the Earth...light gets here in 30 seconds—it’s downhill all the way, Sam.” ([12:52])
• Family boasts, including his grandfather “Stonewall Costello” and brother Pat’s athletic failings.

7. Music Interlude: Virginia Maxey

[14:14 – 16:06]

• Virginia Maxey sings “Gotta Get Going,” with comic interruptions echoing the show’s running musical gags.

8. Lead-In To The Mystery Segment

[16:20 – 18:38]

• Preparations for the parody detective story, “Sam Shovel”—jokes about family, athletic ineptitude, and a running gag with nephew Norman who gets on Costello’s nerves: “If you don’t keep that nephew out of here, I’m gonna flatten him. I’ll hit him in the head so hard his shoes will have three tongues” ([18:06]).

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Feature Segment: The Case of the Russian Diplomat (“Sam Shovel” Mystery)

[18:42 – 27:44]

A. Self-Referential Satire

• Opening spoof commercial for “Suwannee River Cold Cream (now with peanut butter!)” (“You can cream your face and have your lunch at the same time” [19:00]).

B. Private Detective Gags

• Sam Shovel’s world-weary monologue:
  • “The detective business has been lousy...How would it sound if people called me Sam Shovel Nickel?”
  • On a ransacked office: “They went over it with a fine tooth comb...the horsehair sofa had a part in it” ([19:54 – 20:24]).
• Running gags about Costello’s wordplay and literal humor, e.g., squeezing orange juice the “hard way.”

C. Deadpan Cop Banter

• Abbott as homicide cop, victim of Costello’s wisecracks:
  • “What’s that smell from your kitchenette?” “It’s my washing.”
  • “I’ve just been out on a wild goose chase.” “What were you chasing? A wild goose” ([22:27 – 22:49]).

D. Dramatic Confrontation

• Villain Lefty Lumphead arrives—Costello offers rapid-fire description: “When he was eight, he shot his father and mother, then asked the judge for mercy on grounds he was an orphan…” ([24:19]).
• Lefty threatens Sam Shovel: “I got one bullet in this gun. It’s for you. I’m gonna give you a break, Sam. I’ll put the bullet wherever you say.”
  • Costello, deadpan: “If it’s all the same to you, put it in Lieutenant Abbott” ([25:06]).
• More meta-references: Lefty claims he’s never caught robbing houses because he strikes “on Thursday nights when Abbott and Costello are on the air—nobody’s home” ([25:21 – 25:25]).
• Chaos ensues, culminating in Costello/Sam Shovel shooting Lefty; melodramatic pleas from Lefty’s moll: “He’s bleeding!...If he dies, who’s gonna love me and squeeze me and kiss me?” “Call the morgue” ([26:12 – 26:34]).

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Memorable Quotes & Classic Exchanges

• “Don’t go any further.” (Costello’s comic deflection, [02:06])
• “Any guy who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” (Costello, [04:55])
• “Abbott, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she’s purple.” (Costello, [07:57])
• “A moron is an idiot.” / “Yeah, and only an idiot would wear that tie.” (Norman and Costello, [09:00])
• “No, no, no, no. We’re not gonna start that.” (Costello, at the “Who’s on First” setup, [27:57])

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Credits & Closing Notes

[27:44 – End]

• Costello thanks the “team”—writers Eddie Foreman, Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway, Len Stern; bandleader Matty Melnick; producer Charles Vander.
• The show signs off with the classic warmth and self-mockery typical of Abbott & Costello.

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Conclusion

This episode is a fast-paced, joke-dense celebration of Abbott & Costello’s vaudeville roots and Golden Age radio. Packed with puns, miscommunications, and zany characters, it moves seamlessly from domestic foibles to their trademark detective parody “Sam Shovel.” Classic exchanges and absurd logic abound, ensuring both nostalgia and hearty laughs for fans new and old.

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Recommended Listening:

• “Who’s on First?” (for more classic Abbott & Costello wordplay)
• Other “Sam Shovel” detective spoofs

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, Abbott, what time is it?

[B]

It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood.

[A]

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.

[C]

Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Chuckles with a carload and music by Mattie Malnick. So hold on to your chairs. F. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[A]

All right.

[B]

All right, Costello, here I am. What are you so excited about?

[A]

Oh, I just play. I just finished playing my first game of football with the California girls team. You play football with girls?

[B]

Yeah, on a girls team.

[D]

Hmm.

[B]

I'll bet that's exciting.

[A]

Oh, well, the plane ain't so exciting, but all those huddles.

[B]

I never heard of girls playing football. Where do they get their players?

[A]

Oh, they pick the girls according to the shape. You know, quarterbacks, halfbacks. You ought to see those fullbacks. I'm going steady with the center.

[B]

Is she pretty?

[A]

Well, she's the next thing to Lauren Bacall.

[E]

She is?

[A]

Yeah. She looks like Humphrey Bogart, but she loves to play games. Last night we played Parcheesi. Parcheesi? Yes. First I would kiss her, then she would kiss me, and then I would kiss her.

[B]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who told her that was Parcheesi?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Ain't I a stinker? Banisters. Instead of sitting home and playing silly games, why don't you take it to the movies?

[A]

Oh, I tried to. I bought 14 tickets, but we couldn't get in. Why not? Every time I bought a ticket from the cashier, some guy in a uniform.

[E]

At the door would tear him up.

[B]

Well, I don't know why a girl would bother you with you in the first place. You're ugly, fat, dumpy, ignorant.

[A]

Before you go any further, I want to say one thing. What's that? Don't go any further.

[B]

When it comes to idiots, Costello, you can go to the head of the class.

[A]

Thank you, Mr. Rabbit. And I sure worked hard enough to get there.

[B]

That's what I.

[F]

Hey, Abbot.

[A]

Hey, Abbot. Wait a minute.

[B]

Hey, wait a minute. Where have you been all week?

[A]

Lou, I don't know what I'm doing tonight.

[G]

I know.

[A]

Where.

[B]

Where have you been all week?

[A]

Monday, my girlfriend gave me a fancy pink silk union suit all trimmed with lace. I wore a toothie and got hit by a car. They took me to the hospital. I'll never wear that union shirt again. Why not? It took me three days and took myself out of the maternity War.

[B]

Did they treat you nice in the hospital?

[E]

Hmm?

[A]

Nice? They sure did. Every day. For dessert, I had a California sundae. It's two scoops of Tutti Frutti ice cream with pineapple, strawberry, apricots, prunes, pecans, chews, hair, nuts, whipped cream and six maraschino cherries. And they serve it all in the hospitals now.

[B]

Well, wait a minute. Why would any hospital want to serve concoctions like that?

[A]

Can you think of a better place to get sick?

[B]

Well, anyway, you had a good rest, Lou.

[A]

Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't sleep a wink in that hospital.

[B]

Well, how did you sleep, on your right side or your left side?

[A]

I sleep flat on my back.

[E]

There you are.

[A]

That's your trouble.

[B]

People who sleep on their back all the time get their back out of shape and all crooked.

[A]

You must sleep on your face while.

[B]

You'Re in the hospital. You should have consulted a psychiatrist, Lou.

[E]

A psychiatrist?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Any guy who would go to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

[B]

Estella, how did you ever become such a complete idiot?

[A]

I got friends in Washington, you know.

[H]

Abbott.

[A]

You know Abbott. They loved me in that hospital. One of the doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurse and she invited me to a party.

[B]

Well, now, that's very nice of her.

[A]

I thought so.

[B]

And now that you're out of the hospital, you should reciprocate.

[A]

Definitely. Because after all.

[D]

Huh?

[A]

Could I have that again?

[B]

Sure. I said reciprocate. Don't you always reciprocate after you've been invited to a party?

[A]

That all depends on what they serve.

[B]

No, no, no, Costello. Reciprocate means to return a favor. For instance, if a friend of mine got me a date with a beautiful blonde, I'd. I reciprocate. If he gets me a date with a gorgeous redhead, I reciprocate. Now, when somebody gets you a date with a beautiful girl, what do you do?

[A]

I do the same thing you do, only I don't lie about it.

[B]

Never mind that. What was in that big package that arrived for you this afternoon?

[A]

It's a new television set I bought for Uncle Mike. Oh, I gotta go right back home and hook it up.

[B]

Oh, what does your Uncle Mike want with a television set?

[A]

He wants to see what Dr. IQ does with that woman in the balcony.

[B]

You're Uncle Mike. All he does is listen to the radio. And now with a television set, he'll never get out of the house.

[A]

Oh, Uncle Mike does all right. He enters all the radio contests. Last week he was in a contest for a beer company. He had us send in 25 beer bottle caps and a slogan.

[B]

Well, did he write a good slogan?

[A]

After 25 bottles of beer? He couldn't even see the paper.

[B]

Well, anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Costello. Just think, it fills the air with voices and personalities of all the gorgeous Hollywood stars. What are you doing?

[A]

Filling my lungs with Rita Hayworth.

[B]

Rita Hayworth is all right, but she's just like any other girl.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Well, take away her beautiful hair and her lovely complexion, what have you got?

[E]

I don't know, but you can send.

[A]

It over to my house in the morning.

[B]

You certainly love the California girls, don't you?

[A]

Ah, yeah. When I was back home in Patterson, New Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, mom, take me out west where men are men and the women.

[B]

Are women are what? That's all.

[A]

Take me out west where women are.

[B]

What makes you think the women in Hollywood go for you?

[A]

Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a pretty popular guy. Abbott. The day we moved to Los Angeles, I won a citywide contest.

[B]

A citywide contest? What for?

[A]

For being the whitest guy in the city. And they gave me a beautiful chicken as a prize. A Rhode island purple. She lays 30 eggs a day.

[B]

Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Now let's straighten this out. You mean a Rhode island red?

[A]

Abbott, when a chicken lays 30 eggs a day, she's purple.

[B]

Garcella, I've come. I've come to the conclusion that you're the most stupid man in the world. Even as a child you were stupid.

[A]

Oh, no, I wasn't. Back in Patterson, when I was only one year old, I proved that I was the smartest baby in town.

[B]

How'd you do it?

[A]

One day I was playing around the stove, I picked up a red hot coal. Nobody had to tell me to put it down.

[G]

Hey, Uncle Louie. Uncle Louie, pitch a couple to me, will ya?

[A]

That's Abbott's nephew, folks. Norman, what are you doing dressed up in a baseball uniform? The baseball scene is Nova.

[B]

Oh, let him alone, Costello. Norman likes baseball.

[G]

Yeah, yeah, I'm nuts about baseball. I play baseball all the time. I live baseball, I eat baseball. And when I go to sleep at night, I even dream of baseball.

[E]

Don't you ever dream about girls?

[D]

What?

[G]

And this might turn it back.

[A]

Get out of here.

[G]

Okay, but before I go, I'd like to tell you I sure like that moron tie you're wearing.

[A]

You mean maroon tie. A moron is an idiot.

[G]

Yeah, and only an idiot would wear that tie. I Don't like that guy Abbott.

[B]

Why?

[A]

All day long dreams about baseball. He ain't got no romance in his soul.

[B]

Oh, so what? You don't know anything about romance either.

[A]

You should have been with me last night. In a cozy living room sitting room, sitting on a love seat, all the lights out and it was pitch dark.

[B]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you have a girl with you?

[A]

What? Four? I'm not afraid of the dark.

[D]

Well, hello, boy.

[B]

Hey, look, Costello, it's our lovely new secretary, Viola Vaughn.

[A]

Chief. Viola, you look lovely tonight. That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing.

[D]

Oh, well, thank you. Do you think it brings out my curves?

[A]

Does it? Yes, it curves here and it curves there. And some of it don't even stay on the road.

[B]

Now talk sense, Castella. Viola, how do you like California compared to New York?

[D]

Well, it's wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only state that still has daylight saving time.

[A]

You know, that daylight saving time is kind of silly to me too. You really don't save anything with daylight saving time.

[B]

You don't?

[A]

No. Is just like sitting down. What you lose in the front, you gain in the back.

[B]

Never mind him, Viola. What do you hear from that uncle of yours in London?

[D]

Oh, I received a postcard from my uncle this morning. He's having a fine time. He spent the weekend boating on the English Channel.

[A]

Boating? My cousin Vincent swam across the English Channel underwater. Underwater?

[D]

Why, that's preposterous. Any man who did that would drown.

[E]

The funeral is Wednesday.

[A]

Gee, Viola, I'm glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little kiss?

[D]

Oh, you Hollywood men are so impetuous. The first night you meet a girl you want to kiss.

[A]

Well, I mean, a guy like me has to. They don't show up the second night.

[B]

Viola, I've noticed you've been rather cool. Towards you, Castella. You never put your arms around him enough.

[D]

Well, I was sort of waiting until.

[E]

Till you know me.

[A]

A little longer.

[D]

No, till my arms get a little longer.

[B]

By the way, isn't today your birthday, Viola?

[D]

Yes, it is.

[A]

I'm 18. Think of it. You're sweet 18 and I'm sweet 24.

[B]

Well, what about me?

[A]

Yeah, but you're a sour 65.

[B]

Never mind that. You're a cheapskate, Costello. It's Viola's birthday and you didn't get her a present.

[D]

Oh, that's all right, Costello. Even if you don't express your felicitations on my natal day with a tangible token of Remembrance. I want you to know that I understand.

[A]

Good. Now that you understand it, explain it to me.

[B]

Viola. Costello's very forgetful about birthdays. Last week was my wife's birthday and they didn't send her a present either.

[A]

No, I didn't get your wife a present. But don't forget, I wrote her a poem.

[D]

You wrote Abbott's wife a poem?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

How does it go?

[A]

To Ms. Betty Abbott, your clothes are really awfully cheap. And speaking of your sweater, give back the wool to those poor sheep on them it looks.

[D]

That's a terrible poem, Costello.

[A]

Abbott's got a terrible wife.

[B]

Now, listen. You'll have to forgive Costello, Viola. He is ignorant and he's uneducated.

[A]

Just a minute, Abbott. That's true. What do you mean? Because I went to school and I studied science. For instance, I know that the sun is 5 billion miles from the Earth. And the light from the sun comes down to the Earth in exactly 30 seconds.

[D]

Isn't that wonderful, Costello?

[A]

What's wonderful about it? It's downhill all the way. Sam.

[F]

Ram.

[A]

Before we go back to work tonight let's hear from our blonde cutie pie. Little, little Bitsy Virginia maxi.

[F]

La gusta, la gusta, la gusta Cuenta La gusta, la gusta la gusta la gusta La gusta, la gusta Gotta get going where we go and what are we to do? We're on our way to somewhere the three of us and you what do we see there? Who will be there? What'll be the big surprise? There may be caballeros with dark and flashing eyes we're on our way we're on our way Pack up your pack Pack up your pack and if we stay and if we stay we won't come back how can we go? We haven't got a dime but we're going and we're going to have a happy time now someone said they just came back from somewhere A friend of mine that I don't even know he said there's lots of fun if we can get there if that's the case that's the place the place we want to go we gotta get going where we going? What are we gonna do? We're on our way to somewhere the three of us and you what'll we see there? Who will be there? What'll be the big surprise? There may be caballero with dark and flashing eyes I'll take a train.

[A]

You take the train.

[F]

You take a boat.

[A]

We'll take the boat.

[F]

I'll ride a plane.

[A]

You take the plane.

[F]

You take the girl. But we don't care. We'll either walk or climb but we're going and we're gonna have a happy time we're going, we're going we're gonna have a happ.

[B]

Time all right, Costello, come out here. What's that you have in your hand?

[A]

It's a picture of my grandfather, General Stonewall Costello. What a hero. Abbott. He fought in the Spanish American War. Every time he went off the battle, all the girls in Patterson would line up to kiss him goodbye.

[B]

Wait a minute. Every time he went to battle, all the girls in Patterson kissed him goodbye?

[A]

Yes, the war ended in 1898, but they couldn't get grandpa to stop fighting till 1935.

[B]

He must have been some fighter.

[A]

Yeah, she taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I remember my first fight. In the third round, my manager threw the towel in and I won.

[B]

Wait a minute. How could you win if your manager threw in the towel?

[A]

He threw it over my opponent's eyes, you dummy.

[B]

You're no fighter. You're not an athlete. There's not an athlete in your whole family.

[A]

Oh, yes, there is. My brother Pat is a famous athlete. Just last week he pitched a no hit game.

[B]

Well, lots of guys have pitched no.

[A]

Hit games in football.

[B]

Costello, you and your brother Pat are the dopiest guys in the world.

[A]

Yes. There ain't nobody at dopier than him and me.

[B]

Well, now, that's incorrect. You just say there's nobody dopier than he and I.

[A]

Okay, there's nobody a dopier than him and you.

[B]

Well, never mind that. How is Pat getting along with his new girl?

[A]

Oh, well, for a while he had it pretty tough. Every time Pat went over to see her, her brother would throw him out of the house. Last week her brother went away to college and things are different.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Now her father throws him out of the house.

[B]

Is Pat working?

[A]

Oh, yes. He's got a job at a milk company and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls one of the wagons. What do you want, Norman?

[G]

Are you gonna do another one of them Sam Shovel Misery programs tonight?

[A]

Look, Norman, look at the script. That's mystery.

[G]

I listen to the show, brother.

[B]

It's misery.

[A]

Abbott, if you don't keep that nephew out of here, I'm gonna flatten him. I'll hit him in the head so hard that his shoes will have three tongues.

[E]

I'll lay off here.

[B]

Leave him alone. Maybe he doesn't like your Sam Shovel program.

[A]

Well, Everyone else does. Now here's a letter I got from one of my fans this morning. Listen to this, Diolu Costello, I listened to your Sam Shovel Detective program last week. You were so funny I left my head off. I'm coming to the studio to see you tonight, Ms. Costello. There's a man out here to see you. What does he look like? How can I tell? His head is off.

[B]

Well, enough of this nonsense, Costello. What does your Sam Shovel Detective story about tonight?

[A]

It's one of my greatest cases. Habit. I call it the Case of the Russian Diplomat who took the 6pm boat back to Russia.

[E]

Or Red Sails in a Sunset.

[B]

Well, it sounds interesting. Let's get on with the case.

[A]

Had enough?

[H]

And now, the makers of Suwannee River Cold Cream bring you the Adventures of Sam Shovel, Private Detective. But first, a word about our product. Swanee River Cold Cream is the only cold cream that contains peanut butter. Ah, what a time saving device this is, ladies. Now you can cream your face and have your lunch at the same time. And friends, remember, we can sell Suwannee River Cold Cream cheaper than any other brand because we've done away with costly containers. We use no tubes, no boxes, no jars. Just walk into your drugstore, ask for Suwannee River Cold Cream and hold out your hand.

[A]

And now for the Further Adventures of.

[H]

Sam Shovels, Private Detective.

[E]

Yeah, I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel, Private Detective. The detective business has been lousy lately. I ain't got a nickel to my name. I guess it's just as well. How would it sound if people called me Sam Shovel? Nickel. Last night somebody ransacked my office. They went over it with a fine tooth comb. I know they went over it with a fine tooth comb because this morning when I came in, the horsehair sofa had a part in it. I'm so mad I can see Red.

[A]

Hi, Sam.

[E]

Hi, Red. In the office across the court I see the beautiful stenographer combing her hair. She just combed out her bangs. I'm a little thirsty. I think I'll have some orange juice. I squeeze my orange juice the hard way. The hard way. I place the orange in my mouth, stick my head in the doorway and slowly close the door. On my way to the office, I found a woman's handbag. I wonder what's in it. I decide to empty the contents on my desk. That takes care of the change purse. I wonder what's in the bag. I look at my appointment book. I see that tonight I have a date with a gorgeous peach. I think I'll break it and make a date with a girl. I look out the window in the garage across the street. The mechanic is working on a car.

[A]

On your mark, get set, go.

[E]

No matter what car comes in, he always races the motor. Coming up the street, I see my pal, Lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad. What a cop. Whenever the police department makes a raid, Lt. Abbott is a spearhead. Not that he's so brave, but he's the only cop in the department with a head like a spear. Abbott is a quiet cop. Every Sunday he sits home and listens to the radio. He's trying to win the jackpot on Stop the Music. He's trying to win it the hard way. The hard way. He has no telephone. It's a chilly day and I've got a fire going in the kitchenette of my little office. There's a kettle boiling on the stove.

[B]

Hello, Sam Shovel. What's that smell coming from your kitchenette?

[E]

It's my washing.

[B]

I thought it smelled too good to be your cooking. I'm mighty tired, Sam.

[E]

So are your jokes.

[B]

I'm really tired. I just been out on a wild goose chase.

[E]

What were you chasing? A wild goose. Lieutenant Abbott used to be a comedian. Tried to make a living. He tried to make a living with his monkey shines. He had to give it up. There's no money in shining monkeys. Lieutenant Abbott, I've got bad news for you. Your cook was picked up this morning for passing a bad check.

[B]

Whose check was it?

[E]

Yours.

[B]

That's not funny, Sam Shovel. You wanted a friend of mine, I'd punch you in the nose.

[E]

I knew Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing. He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. But that don't worry him. After all, how often do you get stuck in a paper bag?

[B]

Wait a minute. Cut the small town talk, Sam. Lefty Lumphead is in town and he's gunning for you.

[E]

I know that, Lieutenant. I've already notified the police. They've thrown a net over the city. I'll call headquarters and see how they're making out. Hello, Chief. Yes, this is Sam Shovel. Have you got that net out for Lefty Lumphead?

[C]

Yes.

[E]

How's the net working? Did you catch Lefty yet?

[H]

No, the net's working fine already.

[B]

We've caught three butterflies. Sam, this is really serious. Lefty Lumphead is a killer. He's out to get you. He may be on his way here now. And I know you're afraid of him.

[E]

Me? Afraid of Lefty Lumphead? Pish, tush. I'd like to see the day I'd be afraid of him?

[H]

Hello, Sam.

[E]

This is the day before me stood the toughest killer on the coast. When he was eight years old, he shot his father and mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. What a tough month. He's got cauliflower ears. Never was a fighter. It's just that his ears was made out of cauliflower. I noticed Lt. Abbott's hand reached for his holster. Abbott's gun barked.

[H]

Okay, coppers, I got you covered. Sam Shovel, I got one bullet in this gun. It's for you. I'm gonna give you a break, Sam. I'll put that bullet wherever you say.

[E]

If it's all the same to you, put it in Lieutenant Abbott.

[B]

You're pretty clever, lieutenant. You're one of the smartest burglars in the business. But there's something I want to ask you.

[H]

Huh?

[B]

How is it you. You've never been caught robbing a house? It's easy.

[H]

It's easy. I only rob houses on Thursday nights.

[B]

Why did you pick Thursday nights?

[H]

Because Abbott and Castillo were on the air Thursday nights. And brother, when they're on the air, nobody stays home.

[E]

Lefty, that's a lie. Abbott and Costello are on right now. Now, I'll prove it's a lie by checking with the police department. Hello, Police department? Can you tell me.

[A]

We ain't got time to talk to you now.

[E]

Why?

[B]

Every house in town is being robbed.

[E]

I had taken all I could stand from that killer. Quick as a flash, I pulled my gun.

[B]

Sam, Lefty is seriously wounded. Your bullet went through his shoulder.

[E]

Call the hospital.

[D]

What have you done? What have you done? Sam Shovel. You shot my boyfriend.

[E]

Lefty's girl. The most gorgeous moll in the underworld. She's beautiful.

[D]

Look, he's bleeding.

[E]

Call the hospital.

[D]

He's the only boyfriend I've got and he's liable to die.

[E]

Call the hospital.

[D]

If he dies, who's gonna love me and squeeze me and kiss me?

[E]

Call the morg.

[F]

Sam.

[B]

Well, Costello, I gotta give you credit. You're in there pitching tonight.

[A]

Yes, and I'd like to give a little credit to our team. Abbott, everybody knows I'm always pitching. And Abbott, you're always catching. But we got other players on the team.

[B]

Oh, sure. What's on second?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna start that. I just wanted to say that our riding staff is headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway and Len Stern.

[B]

That's right. And Matty Melnick leads the band.

[A]

And all this nonsense is put together by our producer, Charles Vander. And we'd love to have you all with us again next Thursday night.

[B]

Thanks to them for working and thanks to you for listening. Hope you'll be back next Thursday night. Good night, folks.

[A]

Good night. Good night to everybody in Patterson.

[G]

Good night.

[C]

Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.