Abbott & Costello Sam Shovel 48-12-02 (245)Case Of The Curbstone Murder

Summary

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Abbott & Costello: "Sam Shovel – Case Of The Curbstone Murder"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: August 21, 2025
Original Airdate: December 2, 1948
Summary By: [Your Name]

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Episode Overview

This episode features the classic Abbott & Costello radio show, with its fast-paced banter, vaudeville-style jokes, and the notorious "Sam Shovel" detective skit—here titled "The Case Of The Curbstone Murder." Set in the postwar golden age of radio comedy, the program delivers a string of gags, quick-witted repartee, and a spoof of hardboiled detective stories, all while spotlighting its beloved recurring characters.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter & Physical Comedy (01:04–04:33)

• "Boxing Training": Costello tells Abbott about his attempt at boxing under the moniker "Butcher Boy Costello," ending with the punchline:

  "I gave my opponent a left to the heart, a right to the kidneys, a left to the chops and a right cross to the short ribs. And then he knocked me on my pot roast." (02:10, Costello)

• Playful Insults: Abbott and Costello exchange rapid insults about intelligence, physical appearance, and family, all delivered with comedic timing.

2. Life Mishaps & Family Gags (04:34–09:03)

• Quiz Show Disaster: Costello recounts a disastrous quiz show appearance, ending with:

  "I knew the answer all the time." (04:58, Costello)

• Job Woes: Costello jokes about attending bartender school for two years, only to discover he “can’t fix a television set.” (05:12, Costello)
• Family Oddities: Exaggerated stories about Uncle Mike and Aunt May, including a running joke about a set of false teeth and implausibly large families.

3. Romance and Relationships (06:24–14:22)

• On Marriage:

  "As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a three ring circus." (07:18, Costello)
  "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then suffering." (07:22, Costello)

• Dating Misadventures: Costello describes disastrous dates, gifts gone wrong, and confusion about women’s clothing sizes—“Large, larger, and here comes the right color." (08:49)
• Secretary Viola Vaughan Appears: A bantering segment with Viola involves wordplay, particularly about her "nightclub dress" (“No cover.” 11:10) and a string of double entendres.

4. Sight Gags & Animal Jokes (12:48–13:19)

• The Football Cat:

  "Yes, he's mine. He's a football cat. I call him first down." (12:57, Costello)
  "Every night he's got 10 yards to go." (13:02, Costello)

5. Backstage and Family Dynamics (13:44–15:38)

• Costello’s misguided attempts to impress Viola.
• Abbott’s family: Humorous barbs about his sister Olive and her “large south bend.” (09:55, Costello)

6. Music Break (15:38–18:17)

• Introduction of Hal Winters: A musical interlude sung by guest Hal Winters, briefly mentioned by Costello.

7. Traffic & Uncle Mike (18:17–19:21)

• Stories about Uncle Mike’s disastrous driving test and education, ending with:

  "Ten years ago, Uncle Mike was a garbage collector without an education. Then he went to night school... What is he now? A garbage collector with an education." (19:20–19:21, Costello)

8. The "Sam Shovel" Detective Skit

"The Case Of The Curbstone Murder or Gertie, Get Out Of The Gutter And Let The Water Go By" (19:28–28:42)

a. Noir Parody Setup (21:02–23:16)

• Sam Shovel, Costello’s detective alter-ego, narrates a hardboiled monologue full of pun-filled observations about office life, shaving, and chewing tobacco.
• Quote:

  "I see a piece of string around my finger. Suddenly I remember what it's for. It's to remind me to take the string off my finger." (21:16, Sam Shovel/Costello)

b. Lieutenant Abbott Joins (24:02–25:09)

• Abbott arrives with his "genuine cowhide briefcase"... "the cow is still hiding in it." (24:16–24:19)
• The police need Sam Shovel’s help with “Shirley the Shoplifter,” setting up an absurd case.

c. Hospital Scene (25:26–27:42)

• At the hospital to help “Shirley,” the skit veers off with puns about doctors and surgical procedures.
• Memorable Moment:

  "I never lost a single one of [my patients]." (25:54, Doctor)
  "You didn't?" (25:55, Sam Shovel)
  "No. I know where each one of them is buried." (25:55, Doctor)

• Sam Shovel prepares for “surgery”:

  "Anybody got a blowtorch? ... What are you doing to Shirley?... Watch Shirley. First I gotta open my satchel." (27:34–27:42)

d. Resolution (28:30–28:42)

• The bit closes with a joke about “digging up” jokes and a request to “bury it again.”

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Notable Quotes

• On Boxing:
  “Butcher Boy Costello? ... Then he knocked me on my pot roast.” — Lou Costello (02:10)

• On Marriage:
  “Marriage is a three ring circus... First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then suffering.” — Lou Costello (07:18–07:22)

• About His Detective Work:
  “Some people think Lieutenant Abbott has a screw loose in his head. But I know different. I tightened that screw only yesterday...” — Sam Shovel (23:16)

• Surgeon’s Records:
  “I never lost a single one of [my patients]... No. I know where each one of them is buried.” — Doctor (25:55)

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Memorable Moments

• Costello’s “boxing” story and subsequent insults. (01:55–03:03)
• Absurdist jokes about family members with implausible accomplishments and characteristics.
• The “Sam Shovel” skit’s extended riff on detective stories, packed with puns and surreal humor.
• Viola Vaughan’s appearance, with wordplay and flirtatious banter. (10:58–14:22)
• Skit’s self-referential humor about their writing staff and producers. (28:42–28:53)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• Opening Banter: 01:04–04:33
• Family & Dating Jokes: 04:34–14:22
• Viola Vaughan Segment: 10:58–14:22
• "Sam Shovel" Segment (Detective Skit): 19:28–28:42

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Tone & Style

The language is packed with rapid-fire zingers, puns, and physical comedy, exemplifying Abbott & Costello's vaudevillian roots. The episode maintains a playful, exaggerated, family-friendly tone, with meta-humor about radio itself and sharp jabs at popular culture and current events—vintage 1940s.

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Summary

This episode offers a quintessential slice of Abbott & Costello's radio comedy—quick-witted exchanges, surreal scenarios, and the parody detective adventure "Sam Shovel." Combining everyday mishaps, absurdist banter, and sharp cultural references, the show provides a window into classic radio-era humor that still resonates with timeless silliness.

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Transcript

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[Lou Costello]

Hey, Abbott, what time is it?

[Bud Abbott]

It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood.

[Lou Costello]

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show.

[Announcer]

Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show. Produced, transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Chuckles with a Carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

All right, all right, all right.

[Lou Costello]

Quiet down. Quiet down.

[Bud Abbott]

Quiet down.

[Lou Costello]

Quiet. Quiet down.

[Bud Abbott]

What are you doing with those boxing gloves?

[Lou Costello]

I'm going after the Golden Gloves tournament. I've been training.

[Bud Abbott]

You a price fighter?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. I'm known as Butcher Boy Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Butcher Boy Costello?

[Lou Costello]

Yes. I gave my opponent a left to the heart, a right to the kidneys, a left to the chops and a right cross to the short ribs. And then he knocked me on my pot roast.

[Bud Abbott]

You don't even look like a fighter. Being strong is all in the mind, you know, Costello?

[Lou Costello]

It is?

[Bud Abbott]

Sure. You have to think strong. Think of Atlas and you'll have a shape like him. Think of Hercules and you'll have a shape like his.

[Lou Costello]

That method won't work with me, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I keep thinking of Rita Hayworth.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you think will happen to you if you got knocked around? And got punched drunk and goofy.

[Lou Costello]

I can always be a straight man like you.

[Bud Abbott]

Sure you can. How do you think you'd look with a cauliflower ear, a mushroom nose and a squashed face?

[Lou Costello]

I'd be the only guy in Hollywood with a built in home garden. Costelli, you're a moron. What's that?

[Bud Abbott]

You're a moron.

[Lou Costello]

That's enough, Abbott. One more word out of you and I'll fight.

[Bud Abbott]

Idiot.

[Lou Costello]

That ain't the word.

[Bud Abbott]

Costelli, you're in a class with a nimbecil.

[Lou Costello]

I know. Want me to help you out with your homework?

[Bud Abbott]

I'll get him out of hand.

[Lou Costello]

All right, all right.

[Bud Abbott]

What's the matter with you? You look terrible. I never saw you looking so bad. Lou, what happened to you?

[Lou Costello]

What happened? Yeah, you know what happened.

[Bud Abbott]

What?

[Lou Costello]

I don't get a chance to do nothing on the show.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, stop.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I went to that quiz show, Truth or Coincidences. They asked me a question. When I didn't give them the answer, they hit me over the head with a crowbar and ripped my clothes off and hit me in the face with a pie and squirt of dirty water all over me.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, that's terrible.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but the joke was on them.

[Bud Abbott]

It was?

[Sam Shovel]

Mm.

[Lou Costello]

I knew the answer all the time.

[Bud Abbott]

You should quit hanging around quiz shows trying to win something for nothing. You ought to get yourself a job.

[Sam Shovel]

And go to work.

[Lou Costello]

I tried to. I studied to be a bartender. I went to the bartender school for two years and I still can't get a job.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I can't fix a television set.

[Bud Abbott]

I thought so. You're just stupid. Your whole family is stupid.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, how can you say that? My Uncle Mike is a very brilliant man. He invented the cotton gin, the telephone and the steamboat.

[Bud Abbott]

What about Whitney, Bell and Fulton?

[Lou Costello]

Leave the Andrew Sisses out of this.

[Bud Abbott]

What is your Uncle Mike doing now, Lou?

[Lou Costello]

He's part time lifeguard at the Del Mar Hotel swimming pool.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't even swim.

[Lou Costello]

That's why he's only working part time. He had a lot of trouble with Aunt May last week. He did? Yeah. He got her a new set of false teeth and he told her not to take them out. He begged her not to take him out. He pleaded with her not to take him out, but she did.

[Bud Abbott]

What happened?

[Lou Costello]

Her head collapsed.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, your Aunt May is quite a woman, though she. She raised quite a family.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, yes. Three years ago at the Patterson Fair, she won first prize for having the most little boys in one family. She had 15 little boys.

[Bud Abbott]

What was first prize?

[Lou Costello]

A little boy.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind that. Whatever happened to your Aunt May's younger sister?

[Lou Costello]

Well, she graduated from high school this year and she's so excited, she's going to Harvard.

[Bud Abbott]

Harvard? Harvard is a boys school.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, that's why she's so excited.

[Bud Abbott]

She's going to Harvard. That's ridiculous. None of your family ever went to college.

[Lou Costello]

Is that so? I'm taking a night course right now at ucla.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, no, I'm glad to hear it.

[Lou Costello]

In other words, that's Euclid.

[Bud Abbott]

Euclid. Well, disregarding ucla, I'm glad to hear it. Lou, how are you making out?

[Lou Costello]

Not so good. Monday night, the teacher asked each pupil to bring something that would show what they want to be when they. They get out of school.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, now it sounds interesting.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah. One guy wanted to be a policeman, so he brought a button off a policeman's uniform. One girl wanted to be a nurse, so she brought a button off a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted to be a fireman, so he brought a button off a fireman's uniform.

[Bud Abbott]

What did you bring?

[Lou Costello]

Nothing.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

I wanted to be married. How you going to get a button off of that?

[Bud Abbott]

You want to be married? You don't know the first thing about marriage. You don't even know what it takes to make a marriage.

[Lou Costello]

I do. So it only takes two people to make a marriage?

[Bud Abbott]

Well, that's right.

[Lou Costello]

A single girl and an anxious mother. As far as I'm concerned, marriage is.

[Sam Shovel]

A three ring circus.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean, a three ring circus?

[Lou Costello]

Well, first the engagement ring.

[Bud Abbott]

Yes.

[Lou Costello]

Then the wedding ring and then suffering.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, stop. Are you still going with that striptease dancer at the very last show?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure. Every night I bring her three roses.

[Bud Abbott]

Does she wear them?

[Lou Costello]

Has to. It's her custom.

[Bud Abbott]

What about that new girl that moved in the apartment next to you?

[Lou Costello]

Well, I tell you, Abbott, I had a date with her and she's a bachelor girl.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, what makes you think she's a bachelor girl?

[Lou Costello]

She looks more like a bachelor than she does a girl.

[Bud Abbott]

How old a girl is she, Lou.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, asking a girl's age is like buying a used car. What do you mean? Well, you know, the speedometer has been set back, but you don't know.

[Bud Abbott]

Where did you take her on the date?

[Lou Costello]

Well, we went to a soda fountain and had one of those fancy dishes. You know, ice cream and bananas.

[Bud Abbott]

Split.

[Lou Costello]

No, I paid the whole check.

[Bud Abbott]

I. Well, she doesn't sound like. She doesn't sound like the kind of girl for you, Costello, tell me, do you still. Do you still date that cute little blonde from Pomona?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, sure. I had a date to go horseback riding with her last night. You did? Yes. We rode along through the moonlight. It was beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling my horse. My horse was nuzzling her horse.

[Bud Abbott]

Must have been fun.

[Lou Costello]

It was for the horses. My girl didn't show up. I guess she saw it me because I bought her mother a girdle and her mother got mad too.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, what size does her mother wear? Small, medium or large?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, no, no. Women's girdles don't come in those sizes, Abbott.

[Bud Abbott]

They don't?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, no, no.

[Bud Abbott]

What sizes do they come in?

[Lou Costello]

Large, larger and here comes the right color. I'm not going in there. No? I'll show you.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello, Uncle Bud.

[Lou Costello]

Hello, Uncle Louie. It's Sabbath's nephew. Folks, I left orders with the doorman not to let you win. Now, how did you get past him? I held your script under his nose and then stepped over his body. There must be a way to keep this guy out of here. Now I've got it. I'll hypnotize him.

[Sam Shovel]

Come over here, Norman.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, now, wait a minute, Costello. What are you gonna do to him?

[Lou Costello]

I'm gonna hypnotize him and put him asleep. Look me straight in the eye, Norman. Okay, you're going to sleep. Abba dabba. Sleep. Abba dabba. Sleep. Abadaba. Sleep. I think it's working, Uncle Louie. It is? Yeah. My abba dabba is asleep.

[Bud Abbott]

Now, you lay off, Norman. He's my sister Olive's boy. And Olive's a very lovely person and a big woman in this.

[Lou Costello]

I noticed that your sister Olive is built like the state of Indiana.

[Bud Abbott]

Just what do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

She has a large south bend.

[Bud Abbott]

My sister Olive is a leader of society. Before she moved to Hollywood, she was the rage of Kansas City.

[Lou Costello]

Your sister Olive would throw any city into a rage. She came to the right place when she came to Hollywood. She's a typical Hollywood girl.

[Sam Shovel]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

A Hollywood girl at 30 has wrinkles. At 35, she has gray hair. And at 40 she becomes a blonde.

[Sam Shovel]

And starts all over again.

[Bud Abbott]

Say what you want about my sister, but she's a very well educated woman.

[Lou Costello]

She's a college graduate.

[Bud Abbott]

And she has a sheepskin.

[Lou Costello]

I noticed that. She ought to try using Jurgen's lotion.

[Bud Abbott]

You know, you have no business ridiculing my family. Now, last week you were picking on my wife. My wife comes from one of the finest families in California. She's a Tracy.

[Lou Costello]

Any relation to Dick Tracy?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly not. Certainly not. Dick Tracy's a character in a comic book.

[Lou Costello]

Your wife is no oil painting.

[Viola Vaughan]

Hello, boys.

[Lou Costello]

Hey, look.

[Bud Abbott]

Costello is our secretary. Viola Vaughan.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Viola, Viola, Viola. You certainly look lovely tonight. What is that you're wearing?

[Viola Vaughan]

Oh, do you like it? This is my nightclub dress.

[Bud Abbott]

Nightclub dress?

[Lou Costello]

Don't you get it, Abbott? No cover.

[Announcer]

No cover.

[Bud Abbott]

Oh, you look gorgeous tonight. You and I would make a lovely pair. We'd be just like a couple of lovebirds.

[Viola Vaughan]

Would we?

[Bud Abbott]

I'll show you. First I put one wing around you like this. Then I put my other wing around you, like this. Then I put. Then I beak up close to your beak. Then I coo softly.

[Viola Vaughan]

What do I do?

[Sam Shovel]

Don't stand there, Viola. Drop a worm in his mouth.

[Bud Abbott]

Cut it out. I'm serious about her and you're not. Why, Viola, I'd bring you the moon on a silver platter.

[Viola Vaughan]

Ah, that's wonderful, Abbott. How about you, Costello? Would you bring me the moon on a silver platter?

[Sam Shovel]

Would I look like a waiter?

[Bud Abbott]

The moon on a silver platter is a poetic expression, like they use in songs.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, you know, I wrote a song about the moon. A very beautiful thing too.

[Viola Vaughan]

What's the name of it?

[Lou Costello]

I call it Carolina Moon. What are you doing over Glendale?

[Bud Abbott]

Stop, Costello, you know nothing about writing songs.

[Lou Costello]

Oh, I not only write songs, I sing them. Why, when I was in kindergarten, every morning I would get up in front of the class to sing Rockabye Baby all the way through.

[Viola Vaughan]

Why, that was marvelous.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, there was nothing to it. I was 21 years old at the time.

[Bud Abbott]

You know any other songs, Costello?

[Lou Costello]

Oh, every night I lay in bed and I sing an Irish lullaby. Territorial.

[Viola Vaughan]

Did that put you to sleep, Costello?

[Bud Abbott]

Certainly.

[Lou Costello]

You don't think I'd stay awake and listen to that howling, do you?

[Viola Vaughan]

Well, I saw you last night, Costello. I saw you. You had a cat on a leash. That certainly is a funny looking cat. Is he yours?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, he's mine. He's a football cat. I call him first down.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you name the Cat? First down?

[Lou Costello]

Every night he's got 10 yards to go.

[Viola Vaughan]

Well, instead of being out walking a cat on a leash, a boy your age ought to be out with a girl.

[Lou Costello]

Well, I like cats better. They're smarter than girls anyway.

[Bud Abbott]

What makes you say that? Cats are smarter than girls.

[Lou Costello]

Well, Abbot, no matter how a girl tries, she can't wash her face with her tongue.

[Bud Abbott]

Pay no attention to them. Viola, why don't you come over and see the preview our. Of our new picture, Viola, huh? I do some love scenes in the picture and I. I want you to see my. My fade out kiss.

[Lou Costello]

You mean she'll see your faded out kisser. Anyway, Viola has got a date with me.

[Viola Vaughan]

Well, I don't think I'm gonna keep it, Costello.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Viola Vaughan]

Well, last Sunday he took me riding and he insisted I wear a riding habit.

[Lou Costello]

Naturally.

[Viola Vaughan]

Monday he took me hiking and he insisted I wear a hiking suit.

[Lou Costello]

Naturally.

[Viola Vaughan]

Tuesday he took me to dinner and he insisted I wear a dinner gown.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, why are you breaking the day tonight?

[Viola Vaughan]

Tonight he wants to take me to a birthday party.

[Lou Costello]

Well, that did it. It's been a lot of fun and it's been a beautiful evening up to now. Mabel.

[Viola Vaughan]

Mabel. My name is Viola.

[Lou Costello]

Well, whatever your name is, it's certainly been fun.

[Bud Abbott]

Get him out of.

[Lou Costello]

Ladies and gentlemen, Abbott and I heard a young singer in New York several weeks ago and we liked him very much and we brought him back to Hollywood to join our show. And here he is, and we hope you like him too. Hal Winters.

[Shirley's Father]

Foreign.

[Lou Costello]

This when you're.

[Bud Abbott]

Something's got to be done about the parking conditions around this studio tonight. I couldn't see a parking space in front of the studio, in back of the studio or even across the street from the studio.

[Sam Shovel]

Could be worse.

[Bud Abbott]

What do you mean?

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, but suppose you had a car.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, well, never mind that. Did your Uncle Mike drive you down here tonight?

[Lou Costello]

No, my Uncle Mike just took his California driver's test today. You should have seen him. He got in the car with the inspector, backed into a truck, bumped into a streetcar and then he crashed into a stone wall.

[Bud Abbott]

Did he pass?

[Lou Costello]

We won't know till next Wednesday.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Lou Costello]

That's the day the inspector gets out of the hospital.

[Bud Abbott]

Did your Uncle Mike go to see his favorite program, what's Doing Ladies?

[Lou Costello]

Yes, and there was a line in front of that studio two blocks long.

[Bud Abbott]

Never mind that. How did he like. What's doin ladies?

[Sam Shovel]

I don't know. By the time he got in, they were through doing.

[Bud Abbott]

I don't. You know, your Uncle Mike is an ignoramus. He ought to get himself an education.

[Lou Costello]

Yes, he's got one. Abbott. Why, ten years ago, Uncle Mike was a garbage collector without an education. Then he went to night school and he graduated. And what a difference that made in him.

[Bud Abbott]

What is he now?

[Lou Costello]

A garbage collector with an education.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, never mind him, Costello. What is your Sam Sheville detective story for tonight?

[Lou Costello]

It's a fascinating case habit. I call it the Case of the.

[Sam Shovel]

Curbstone Murder or Gertie, get out of the gutter and let the water go by.

[Bud Abbott]

Sounds intriguing. Let's get on with the case.

[Lou Costello]

Yeah, let's do that.

[Doctor]

And now, the makers of Smudge Pot cigarettes present the further adventures of Sam Shovel, private detective. But first, a word about our product, Smudge Pot Cigarettes. Smudge Pots are the only cigarettes that contain no nicotine, no harmful tars, no tobacco. These cigarettes are made only from the finest domestic and Turkish towels. And remember our slogan. Smudge Pots are the only cigarettes that can. Our slogan is pucker While you puff.

[Bud Abbott]

Go to your cigar store.

[Doctor]

Tonight, they will give you a package of Smudge Pots for nothing. The package has no sharp edges. Take them home and throw them in your dresser. What a cigarette. So free, so easy on the drawers. And now to the adventures of Sam Shovel, private detective.

[Sam Shovel]

Yes. Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, private detective. I'm sitting in my little office, looking at my new office safe. This time I got a real office safe. When I go home at night, I lock my office. In it.

[Lou Costello]

I see a piece of.

[Sam Shovel]

String around my finger. Suddenly I remember what it's for. It's to remind me to take the string off my finger. I reach in my pocket for my tobacco. There's a big hole in my pocket. That's the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I always choose a hole in my pocket.

[Lou Costello]

This detective racket is plenty tough.

[Sam Shovel]

You got to work in all kinds of weather. Just listen to that wind howling outside.

[Bud Abbott]

I'll give you that if you'll give me this.

[Lou Costello]

I'll give you this if you give me that.

[Sam Shovel]

It's a trade win. It was such a nice night as this that I was called to solve the famous farmyard murder. A fiendish farmer had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa. What a tough case. It was like finding a noodle in a haystack. I decided to shave. I lather my face. The razor hums through my whiskers.

[Viola Vaughan]

St. Louis woman with all her diamond rings.

[Sam Shovel]

I always use Gillette blues blades. I decide to dial up a little in case a client should come in. I put on my swallow tail coat. I take it off. Seems silly for a man my age to wear a coat made of swallow tail. I notice the headline in the morning paper. The country is in a strange position. On the next page it says, eggs are going up. Chickens must be in a strange position too. Suddenly, the phone rings. Hello? Yes, this is Sam Shevel, the detective. Somebody that wants me to handle the case? Yes. No, no, I can't work that cheap. No, no. You know my prize?

[Lou Costello]

What's that?

[Sam Shovel]

5,000.

[Lou Costello]

Okay, I'll take the case.

[Sam Shovel]

Right, 5,000. But remember, all Tootsie Rolls, no jelly beans. I thought of my friend lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide squad. I might get him to help me on this case. Some people think Lt. Abbott has a screw loose in his head. But I know different. I tightened that screw in his head only yesterday. One thing I will say for lieutenant Abbott. He knows his onions. He can walk in any vegetable store and say, that's an onion.

[Lou Costello]

But he's a real cop.

[Sam Shovel]

Abbott don't know the meaning of the word intimidation. That's only one of a million words. He don't know the mean.

[Bud Abbott]

Hello, Sam.

[Lou Costello]

Shovel.

[Sam Shovel]

It's my pal, lieutenant Abbott of the homicide squad.

[Bud Abbott]

Sam, I'd like to leave my new cowhide briefcase in your office.

[Sam Shovel]

That's a pretty briefcase, Lieutenant.

[Bud Abbott]

Yeah, it's genuine cowhide. Open it.

[Lou Costello]

Move.

[Bud Abbott]

The cow is still hiding in it.

[Sam Shovel]

There's a picture of your wife in it, too. She looks kind of different in this picture.

[Bud Abbott]

It's her hair. She's wearing a page boy. Don't she look nice?

[Sam Shovel]

It's hard to tell. The page boy's feet are hanging down over her face.

[Bud Abbott]

Enough of this nonsense, Ham. The cops caught an old friend of yours last night. Shirley the shoplifter.

[Sam Shovel]

Beautiful Shirley the shoplifter. I once trailed her through a department store. Through the shoe department, through the jewelry department, the furniture department. Then I caught her in men's underwear.

[Bud Abbott]

This is serious, Sam. Shirley is in the prison hospital. She's unconscious. She keeps moaning. Perry.

[Lou Costello]

Perry.

[Bud Abbott]

Perry.

[Sam Shovel]

You must be in the state of Como.

[Bud Abbott]

Sam, if you want to see Shirley alive, we better get over to the hospital at once. Let's go.

[Sam Shovel]

We arrived at the hospital. We were walking down the corridor. I was reading the signs on the door. Dr. Kildare, surgery back in 10 minutes. Dr. Nichols, surgery, back in 15 minutes. Dr. Condon, perjury back in 20 years.

[Bud Abbott]

Ma', am, here comes the doctor that's.

[Sam Shovel]

Taking care of she.

[Bud Abbott]

Shirley the shoplifter.

[Sam Shovel]

He looks like a phony to me.

[Bud Abbott]

I heard that, young man, I'll have.

[Doctor]

You know that I've operated on over 300 patients and I never lost a.

[Bud Abbott]

Single one of them.

[Sam Shovel]

You didn't?

[Doctor]

No. I know where each one of them is buried.

[Sam Shovel]

Doctor, can we go in and see Shirley now?

[Doctor]

Yes, but don't stay too long, please. The patient must not have too much excitement.

[Bud Abbott]

Why not?

[Doctor]

How do I know all the radio doctors say that. My goodness. Aren't you Sam Shovel, the detective?

[Sam Shovel]

That's me, man.

[Doctor]

From the looks of you, you need medical attention. Shovel. If you'll come here tomorrow between 2 and 4 or between 6 and 8. Remember, between 2 and 4 or 6 and 8, I'll examine your head.

[Sam Shovel]

Why can't I come between 4 and 6?

[Doctor]

That's when they're examining my head.

[Bud Abbott]

Come on, Sam. Shovel. Here's Shirley's room.

[Shirley's Father]

Oh, poor Shirley. My poor Shirley.

[Bud Abbott]

Sir, who are you and what are you doing here?

[Shirley's Father]

I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next room. She's got appendicitis. None of the doctors will operate on her. I'm afraid she'll die.

[Sam Shovel]

Cheer up, friend. I will operate on Shirley.

[Shirley's Father]

You. I thought you were a detective.

[Sam Shovel]

Before I became a detective, I was known as young Dr. Shovel.

[Bud Abbott]

Are you sure you can do it, Sam?

[Sam Shovel]

Am I sure I can do it? Certainly. I'll skin out to the car and get my satchel of surgical instruments.

[Bud Abbott]

Thank goodness he's got his satchel. She's right in there, Sam.

[Sam Shovel]

Here I go. Does anybody got a hammer?

[Bud Abbott]

Here's a hammer.

[Sam Shovel]

Thanks. Anybody got a chisel?

[Bud Abbott]

Here's a chisel.

[Sam Shovel]

Anybody got a blowtorch?

[Bud Abbott]

Wait a minute. Hammer. Chisel. Blowtorch. What are you doing to Shirley?

[Sam Shovel]

Watch Shirley. First I gotta open my satchel.

[Lou Costello]

Sam.

[Bud Abbott]

Well, Costello with Sam Shovel. You were really digging them up tonight. Get it?

[Lou Costello]

Shovel.

[Bud Abbott]

Digging them up. It's a joke, son. I dug up a joke.

[Sam Shovel]

Yes, and you'd better bury it again.

[Lou Costello]

Abbott, let's leave the jokes to our writers. You mean we got writers? Oh, he's only kidding, folks. He knows our writing staff. We're headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway and Len Stern.

[Bud Abbott]

And I know that our producer is Charles Vander.

[Lou Costello]

That's pretty good for Abbott, folks, when you consider Vander' been on the show two years.

[Bud Abbott]

Good night, folk.

[Lou Costello]

Good night to everybody. Good night, everybody.

[Announcer]

Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbot and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.

[Lou Costello]

Sam.