AFRS The Bob Hope Show 1945-12-18 - Christmas Show From San Francisco

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: AFRS The Bob Hope Show 1945-12-18 – Christmas Show from San Francisco

Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: December 17, 2025

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Overview

This special episode features a broadcast of "The Bob Hope Show" recorded by the Armed Forces Radio Service on December 18, 1945, from San Francisco. The Christmas-themed variety show captures Bob Hope and his ensemble performing comedy sketches, musical numbers, and light-hearted banter, all aimed at entertaining military personnel and civilian listeners alike. A special guest, Navy hero and film star Wayne Morris, joins Hope for interview segments and comedic routines, giving a festive and patriotic flair to the holiday broadcast.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. Bob Hope’s Opening Monologue & San Francisco Observations

[00:54 – 03:26]

• Bob Hope delivers a signature rapid-fire monologue filled with local San Francisco humor:
  • Jokes about the city's hills:
    “I love playing in San Francisco with all these hills. It's really wonderful when you lay an egg here, it rolls down and disappears into the bay.” (Bob Hope, 00:57)
  • Pokes fun at department store crowds near Christmas and his own shopping troubles.
  • Quips involving following a "cute little blonde" down Powell Street only to find out she's much taller.

2. Comedy Sketch: Holiday Shopping Hijinks

[03:05 – 03:26]

• Bob jokes about causing a crowd frenzy by shouting “nylons over here,” leading to chaos.

3. Musical Numbers and Comic Songs

[03:26 – 08:19]

• A playful “Bell Bottom Trousers” performance with naval references.
• Francis Langford sings “It Might as Well Be Spring,” capturing wistful holiday love and seasonal longing.

4. “Old-Time Courtship” Comedy Sketch

[08:19 – 14:25]

• Bob and Francis (playing “Francie”) enact a comedic courtship involving horse-drawn sleigh rides, old-fashioned proposals, and slapstick humor about earmuffs ("gotta have some place to carry my lunch") and engagement news.
• Memorable moment:
  “Yes, in Morse code. Well, here's Francie's house. Whoa, Dobb. Is Francie home, Ms. Langford?” (Bob Hope, 08:51)
• Classic vaudeville-styled back-and-forths and “itsy bitsy poopsy woopsy” endearments.
• Funny fake real estate transaction for a “honeymoon cottage” that ends up being the Oakland Ferry, rolling merrily into the bay.
  “Hey Francis, wait a minute. The house is moving. It's moving out into the bay.” (Bob Hope, 14:32)

5. “Let It Snow” Ensemble Performance

[14:36 – 16:45]

• Lighthearted musical interlude featuring classic Christmas song.

6. Wayne Morris Guest Appearance & Comedy Interview

[16:45 – 21:00]

• Wayne Morris introduced as a hometown hero, navy flying ace, and film star.
• Bob interviews Wayne, delving into his childhood near Betty Grable in Los Angeles, his naval service, and postwar Hollywood.
• Notable comedic exchange about military rank:
  • Bob: “Say, you were a lieutenant commander, weren't you, Wayne? Just what is that?”
  • Wayne: “Well, that's a rank about halfway between Nimitz and Popeye.” (Wayne Morris, 18:35)
  • Bob: “That's a sailor in San Francisco on a windy day…” (18:41)
• Light banter about film contracts, flying experience, and Warner Brothers.

7. Musical Performances & Comic Radio Sketch

[21:00 – 22:55]

• A rendition of “It’s Only a Paper Moon” sets a more sentimental tone.

8. Comedy Military Aircrew Skit

[24:13 – 28:12]

• Bob Hope and Wayne Morris perform a parody air battle:
  • Jokes about shooting down “seagulls,” getting the “bronze egg.”
  • Mock debrief with silly military awards ("Presidential citations arrived from Alabama… a toaster”).
  • Gags about “incendiary spitballs” and slapstick military mishaps.

9. Light-Hearted Banter & Closing Song

[28:12 – 31:23]

• Francis Langford’s performance of “I Didn’t Know About You,” adding a romantic and reflective close.
• Bob’s signature outro:
  “Thanks for the memory. Okay. Thank you very much, Wayne Morris, for being with us tonight and all you people here. Thanks for the memory of a swell visit in one of America's favorite and one of our favorite cities. This is the armed forces radio service.” (Bob Hope, 31:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I went to four stores today and the only two things I could find was a pair of women's bloomers, size 58 and a jade tooth. After all, what can I do with a jade tooth?” (Bob Hope, 02:45)
• “When we got to the bottom, she was two feet taller than I was.” (Bob Hope, 01:36)
• “Well, they're too expensive. And besides, nobody was taking a bath anyway.” (Bob Hope, 10:07, on not buying a “real sleigh”)
• “I kissed [my bride] for three hours without stopping. … How come? Our mustaches froze together!” (Guest, 13:35)
• “That's a rank about halfway between Nimitz and Popeye.” (Wayne Morris, 18:35)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:54 – 03:26: Bob Hope’s San Francisco monologue
• 08:19 – 14:25: Comedy sketch – courtship, sleigh ride, and real estate shenanigans
• 14:36 – 16:45: Ensemble performance of “Let It Snow”
• 16:45 – 21:00: Wayne Morris interview and military humor
• 24:13 – 28:12: Aircrew comedy sketch with Bob Hope & Wayne Morris
• 28:12 – 31:23: Francis Langford’s closing song and Bob Hope’s farewell

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Final Thoughts

This vintage holiday episode is a prime example of American radio during its golden age: a seamless blend of patriotic humor, big band tunes, playful romance, and heartfelt nostalgia. Bob Hope’s wit, Francis Langford’s vocals, and Wayne Morris’s presence make it a festive, morale-boosting treat, both for wartime listeners in 1945 and fans of classic radio today.

Transcript

[A]

What do you think makes the perfect snack?

[B]

Hmm. It's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient.

[C]

Could you be more specific?

[B]

When it's cravinient.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Like a freshly baked cookie made with.

[A]

Real butter, available right down the street.

[B]

At a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a second at a.m. p.m.

[C]

I'm seeing a pattern here.

[A]

Well, yeah, we're talking about what I.

[B]

Crave, which is anything from AM pm What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience. AM PM Too much. Good stuff.

[C]

Bob Hope and his special guest, Wayne Morris. Thank you very much.

[A]

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob broadcasting from San Francisco. Hope. Well, here we are in the Golden Gate City. I love playing in San Francisco with all these hills. It's really wonderful when you lay an egg here, it rolls down and disappears into the bay. The dogs here in San Francisco don't have their tails clipped. They just wear them off going down the hill. I followed a cute little blonde down Powell today, but it didn't do any good. When we got to the bottom, she was two feet taller than I was. And Market street is really something. Big buildings on each side, six streetcars in the middle and the sidewalk on the other side. If you. The newspaper photographers were all down at the railroad station when I arrived, but I didn't like the pictures that came out in the papers. There's no use talking. I'll have to learn to climb down those Pullman steps frontwards. That's a joke you have to think about for a minute. I wish I thought about it a minute before I put it in. I went into a store here called o' Connor Moffat and it was so crowded. O' Connor was standing on Moffitt's shoulder, Okada was standing on Moffat's shoulders and they were both wearing the same suit. I won't say the store was jammed, but before I got through the revolving door, three of my ribs had been gift wrapped and our thing's scarce. I went to four stores today and the only two things I could find was a pair of women's bloomers, size 58 and a jade tooth. After all, what can I do with a jade tooth?

[C]

But it would have been a pleasant.

[A]

Day here if I hadn't gotten a bright idea. I wanted to get the women away from the tie counter, so I walked to another counter and hollered, nylon's over here. And the next thing I knew, they were flying my wife to my bedside.

[C]

It's a chicken. It's a crow. It's a buzzer. Run for your lives. It's Kelowna. Once there was a little girl who lives next to me and she loved a sailor boy I was only three Now I'm on a battleship in my sailor suit Just a great big sailor man but I'm guess the skill Bobby Browder Color Navy blue He loves a sailor and he loves her too I'm her pappy of the pooper deck Coat of navy blue she's my little anchor I'm her tanker now all the girlies pass me by but I don't care at all she's my little brother bar and I'm her little yarl the reason why I think that she is so sublime she thinks my mustache is too too divine Bell Wild Dog is full of lady blue she loves a sailor.

[A]

And he loves her too.

[C]

And on a nice day when the weather's clear we take out our schooners and fill them full of beer I promise we. Then I put out to sea but come the fall she fought a yawl and took out after me. I fired a friendly salvo but she returned the blast right between the forward hatch and the mizzen mast. I was on the top deck as she came along Trying to get a native girl to sell me her sarong. I'll give you one guess what was my reward and all. Reward Bell Bottom trousers Polar Baby Boo. She loves a sailor and he loves it too. That was long ago. Now everything is fine. We have some little sailor lads As I remember nine. Years ago There will be baby blue when the squad is over. We'll save the ocean blue with all that in its skippers making up the crew. We'll sit up on the pooper deck enjoying peace of mind. They'll be trailing in our wake Their dinghies out behind. If I'm a goalie and a glance you mustn't blame it upon my stance, baby all those beats will fall apart. Here's Francis Langford right here. I'm as restless as a willow in a wind storm. I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a stream I'd say that I had spring feet fever But I know it isn't spring. I am starry eyed and vaguely discontented Like a nightingale without a song to sing oh, why should I have spring fever when it is an even spring I keep wishing on were somewhere else Walking down a strange new street Hearing words that I Have never heard from a boy I've yet to meet I'm as busy as a spider spinning daydream I'm as giddy as a boy baby on a swing I haven't seen a crocus or a rosebud Or a robin on the wing But I feel so gay in a melancholy way that it might as well be spring it might well be spring.

[A]

Well, here I am driving over to my girl's house. Maybe snowing. But it's always spring to me when I'm with Francie. Boy, I'm really living tonight, Francis. Kisses are intoxicating and I'm in a lost weekend mood. Funny that I go courting Francie in this sleigh. It's the same one in which pawed at Ma. He begged and begged her all winter to marry him and she had to wait until the spring thaw set in to answer. Then she couldn't say yes any. She was so cold her teeth just shattered. Yes in Morse code. Well, here's Francie's house. Whoa, Dobb. Is Francie home, Ms. Langford?

[C]

Yes, Robert. But I don't want you tracking up my carpet before you come in. Sit down and clean that snow out from between your toes. Hello, Robert.

[A]

Oh, hiya, Francie. How do you like my earmuffs?

[C]

They're nice, Robert, but aren't they a little large?

[A]

Well, I gotta have some place to carry my lunch. Well, let's go, Francie. Got the sleigh right outside.

[C]

Oh, wonderful. Goodbye, Mom. Going out for a ride with Robert. Goodbye, dear. Don't forget to take your hat pin. Oh, by the way, Mother, I think it's time you knew Robert Hope and I are engaged. You're engaged to Robert Hope?

[A]

That's your mother. She has to make a scene about everything.

[C]

Gee, it's still snowing. It must be getting deep.

[A]

Yeah, if it keeps up all night, I'll have to put a shorter string in my Yo.

[D]

Yo.

[A]

Well, here we are, Francie. How do you like my slave?

[C]

Well, it's all right, but why didn't you buy a real one?

[A]

Well, they're too expensive. And besides, nobody was taking a bath anyway. Say, it's a pretty big step up into the slave, Francy. There, give me your arm.

[D]

There you are.

[C]

All right, Robert, now you help me get in.

[A]

Okay, you all set? Come on, Dobin, get in.

[C]

Come on, now, get in. Robert, I know you have long eyelashes, but don't you think you ought to buy a whip?

[A]

Yeah, but this way my mascara dries. F.

[C]

Isn't it wonderful riding along like this. Robert. I wish we could sit a little closer together with nothing to keep us apart.

[A]

Yeah, it's too bad the horse's tail froze straight back like that.

[C]

Where are we going, Robert?

[A]

I made an appointment with a real estate agent to look at a cottage after we're married. Francie, just think, you can. You can spend your honeymoon there.

[C]

Me? Aren't you going to spend the honeymoon with me?

[A]

Well, shucks if you don't think I'd just be in the way.

[C]

Oh, Robert, won't it be wonderful when we're married, just you and I together? You helping me with the dishes, helping me with the cooking, helping me with the laundry.

[A]

Yeah, I'll say. I'll even help you deliver it.

[C]

Hey, Mrs. Sarah.

[B]

Look, I'm standing out front of AM.

[C]

PM right now and well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling. Even kind of cheesy. But I like it. Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell. Oatmeal the long use strange soggy break.

[B]

Up with bland breakfast and taste AM PM's bacon, egg and cheese biscuit made with cage free eggs, smoked bacon and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AM P M. Too much good stuff. With the American Express Platinum card I can unlock experiences like no other. Since I'm always booking my next trip. I love that I can earn points on travel. Plus I get a resi benefit so you know, I'm hit restaurants everyone's talking about and you can find out your welcome offer after you apply which could be as high as 175000 points for experiences like no other. There's nothing like platinum. Learn more at americanexpress.com Explore-Platinum terms apply.

[A]

Look Francie, there's the real estate man that's going to show us our little dream cottage.

[C]

Whoa. Boy, oh boy. Are you the newlyweds that came out to look at the house? That's right. Rob and I are going to settle down and in a year or two we may have a couple of little robbers.

[A]

Oh, well, in that case I better.

[C]

Show you a place with trees. So you two are going to get married, eh? Are we?

[A]

Tell them Francie, whose itsy bitsy poopsy woopsy is ooze.

[C]

Why I'm your itsy bitsy poopsy woopsy, Robert. And whose itsy bitsy poopsy woopsy are you?

[A]

Well, I'm your itsy bitsy poopsy whoopsie.

[C]

Marry a Crazy waysy or something. Hello. I was just married myself today. What a lovely, delightful bride. I kissed her for three hours without stopping.

[A]

You kissed her for three hours without stopping? How come our mustaches froze together? Well, what about our honeymoon cottage?

[C]

Well, let me show you around. Now, honey, if you buy one of our honeymoon cottages, I always guarantee the bride a lifetime of happiness.

[A]

Well, what about the groom? Let him get his own dates.

[C]

This little love nest is yours for 5,000. 5,000?

[A]

Okay, we'll take it. Well, there. That's my check. It's a bad pen. Come on, Fred.

[C]

What are you using, a nail? Check.

[A]

Make a check out on sandpaper.

[C]

Here's your. Here's my check.

[A]

Come on, Francis, let's go inside.

[C]

Well, so long, sucker. Hey.

[A]

Hey, Francis, wait a minute. The house is moving. It's moving out into the bay.

[C]

What? What kind of a place did you sell us? What tourist didn't recognize the Oakland Ferry? There's kenny. Oh, the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful and since we've no place to go Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow it doesn't show signs of stones and I brought some corn for Poppy the lights that turn way down low Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow when we finally kiss good good night How I'll hate going out in the storm but if you really hold me tight all the way home I'll be warm the fire is slowly dying and, my dear, we still goodbye but as long as you love me so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. When we finally kiss good night How I hate going out in the storm but if you really hold me tight all the way home of the Wall the virus slowly dying and, my dear, we're still goodbye but as long as you love me so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Wonderful. Thank you very much, truly.

[A]

And boys, ladies and gentlemen, tonight I want to welcome back a whole hometown boy who made good in the Big Fracas. One of California's contributions to the Eclipse of the nips. Screen star and naval flying hero, Lieutenant Commander Wayne Morris.

[C]

How about. Thank you very much.

[A]

You know, bring a plane with you.

[D]

Thanks very much. I am happy to be here in San Francisco. Very happy.

[A]

Very happy.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

You're a Los Angeles boy, aren't you?

[D]

Huh? Yes. I was born in Los Angeles, but for a while I came up here and lived in San Francisco. Really?

[A]

Were you a freelance agent or a member of the regular underground?

[D]

As a matter of fact, I do come from Los Angeles. Bob. In fact, I lived right next door to Betty Grable until I was 10 years old and my folks moved away.

[A]

Why'd they do that?

[C]

That?

[D]

Well, my wisdom teeth were coming in a little bit too fast.

[A]

Well, Wayne, that's life for you. You live next door to a girl like Betty Grable and you get old enough to appreciate it and some other guy horns in.

[D]

Yes, it's too bad it wasn't you. You could have gave. Given him some competition.

[A]

Well, it's great for opening my fan mail. Anyway.

[D]

I've been looking around the town. San Francisco has really changed a lot lately, hasn't it?

[A]

Yeah, the civilians are walking on the sidewalks again. Say, you were a lieutenant commander, weren't you, Wayne? Just what is that?

[D]

Well, that's a rank about halfway between Nimitz and Popeyes.

[C]

Popeye?

[A]

That's a sailor in San Francisco on a windy day. But, Wayne, I understand.

[C]

Come along, we'll have fun.

[A]

Wayne, I understand you had three planes shot out from under you. Say, did you ever get the feeling you weren't coming back?

[D]

Never, Bob. I always knew I'd come back. I had to come back.

[A]

Well, what made you so sure?

[D]

Warner Brothers had it in my contract.

[A]

Well, it's nice to have it. Who's that? That's like a mic. Fixing a mic.

[C]

Isn't that something?

[A]

Kim? Enie Ennis came up and adjusted the mic. What, are you picking up a little side money?

[C]

TID.

[A]

Juniors are pretty strong up here, you know.

[D]

What?

[A]

What do you want, staff? Okay, let's move on. This got a nasty look from the producer. Where are we here? Oh, yes, there. Well, you said Warner Brothers had it to my contract. Then I say.

[C]

Wouldn't it be great.

[A]

If we had 45 minutes, huh? Well, it was nice to have it down in black and white. That was supposed to be a laugh until Bones came up there. You know, Wayne, by the way, my brother was shot down three times.

[D]

How'd that happen, Bob?

[A]

Well, the latter was short, but the wall was tall and the warden was looking.

[C]

David.

[A]

Now that you're out, Wayne, I suppose you're going back to Warner Brothers?

[D]

Naturally, but my lovemaking is a little rusty. Say, have you seen their new star, Lauren Bacall?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice sort of rust remover, isn't she? But you do all right, Wayne, I noticed these waves in the audience really go for you.

[C]

Oh, no, Bob.

[D]

It's just that I knew a lot of these girls, met them overseas. Really?

[A]

Well, I'd like to get a date tonight with a gorgeous girl.

[C]

Got memories, huh?

[A]

Look, I'd like to get a date tonight with a gorgeous girl. You think you could fix me up?

[D]

No, not enough.

[C]

It's only paper moon sailing over cardboard sea but it wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me yes, it's only a canvas guy hanging over a muslin tree but it wouldn't be make believe if you believed in me without your love it's a honky tongue parade without your love It's a melody play and a penny I'll say it's a fun and Bailey world Just as phony as it can be but it wouldn't be make believe if you believe in me. Sam. Without your love it's a talkie talk for rain without your love it the melody play and the finiacade it's the Barnum and Bailey world Just as bold as it can be.

[B]

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[A]

Well, I think I'll call the pilot on the intercom. Gunner to pilot. Gunner to pilot.

[C]

Here's your party deposit. 10 cents, please.

[A]

Boy, they really found jobs for those waves, didn't they?

[C]

Hey, hey, Lieutenant.

[A]

Target at 4:00'.

[D]

Clock.

[A]

Oh, boy, I got him in my sights.

[C]

Take that. Ha ha.

[D]

Wingdom.

[C]

Take this. And this. And this. I got him. I got him. I got him.

[D]

Ah, that's nice work. Hope that's the third seagull you've downed today.

[A]

Yeah, one more and I get the bronze egg.

[D]

There's our carrier down there. I'm going to Land. All set, Hope. Here we go in for a landing.

[A]

Well, I think it had been better if we let both wheels down.

[D]

Jiggers. Jiggers. Here comes a skipper.

[A]

Attention, men. Who was flying that plane? I said it was flying that plane.

[C]

Speak up.

[A]

Don't stand there pointing at each other.

[D]

I was flying at Commander Ennis.

[C]

Oh, you again, huh?

[A]

Every time you land, you crack up a plane. What makes you do that?

[D]

I used to run a parking lot on Powell street.

[C]

Sir. And none of you left, Lieutenant. None of you left, Ensign, Seaman, the village.

[D]

Are you finished, sir?

[C]

No, I'm not finished. Ah, just as I thought.

[A]

Fake ones with the lace on them.

[D]

I'll get them back to you in the morning, sir. I would like to make my flight report now, sir. At 16:20 o' clock we encountered a flight of seven zeros. Tail gunner Hope shot all of them down in flames. Excellent, Hope.

[A]

I'm proud of you all. They were easy, sir. Especially the first four when I still had ammunition. You shot down three zeros in flames after you were out of ammunition? Yes, sir. Used incendiary spitballs. Incendiary spitballs? Yes, sir. The only tough thing about it is now I'll have to wait until I get back to the States to finish forever.

[D]

Amber.

[A]

Gentlemen, in view of your achievements, I have these medals. Presidential citations. These presidential citations arrived from Alabama only this morning.

[D]

From Alabama?

[A]

Yes, Alabama, gentlemen.

[D]

A toaster.

[C]

Jefferson Davis.

[A]

All right, men, dismiss.

[C]

All right, men, come and get it, you Spam Spaniel.

[A]

Salon. Are you the chef?

[C]

Well, I don't always sift flour through my mustache. Before you eat, how about a drink?

[D]

A drink?

[C]

Yes. I'll mix up one of my specialties.

[A]

A Knob Hill cocktail. A Knob Hill cocktail. Is it strong?

[C]

Strong. One drink and your knob goes over the hill.

[A]

Hey, now I've got a surprise for you men. When you eat your plum pudding, one of the portions will have a beautiful 10 carat diamond ring in it.

[D]

Gee, I hope I'm the lucky guy.

[A]

Wait a minute. The cook made the pudding and he'll take the portion with the ring for himself.

[C]

Oh, nonsense, Hope.

[A]

I'm an honest man.

[C]

I wouldn't stoop to such low tactics.

[A]

Just for a little old 10 cannon diamond ring. Well, let's start eating and see who the lucky man is.

[C]

Quite a bit of flu going around, isn't it? I ran around with my own little crowd. The usual laughs, love, open but loud and in the world. And I. I didn't know about you. Chasing after the ring on the merry poor hour. Just taking my time where it could be found and yet what else could I do? I didn't know about you, Darling I know I had a lo. Every day in your arms I know for one my life living Had a good time every time I went out Romance was a thing I But how could I know? I'm all I didn't know about you, Darling now I know I have the lord, Baby Had a good time every time I went out Romance was a thing I How could I know about love? I didn't know about you.

[A]

Oh, thanks for the memory. Okay. Thank you very much, Wayne Morris, for being with us tonight and all you people here. Thanks for the memory of a swell visit in one of America's favorite and one of our favorite cities. This is the armed forces radio service.

[C]

Sam.

[B]

Want to make a difference in your community, but not sure how? Go to GoFundMe.com right now and start a GoFundMe. Seriously. Your next fundraiser doesn't have to start in a school parking lot or a church basement. You can start a GoFundMe today in just minutes. Fundraise for yourself a friend or family member or an organization. All that matters is that you care about them. GoFundMe is the trusted place to fundraise for what you care about. With no pressure to hit your fundraising goal, but tons of tools to help you reach it, you can confidently start fundraising right now. Whether it's creative, local or critical, your cause matters. And there's a reason why. GoFundMe is backed by millions and chosen by fundraisers everywhere. It works and it matters. GoFundMe helps you make a real difference. Start your GoFundMe today at GoFundMe.com that's GoFundMe.com G-O F-U-N-M E.com this is a commercial message brought to you by GoFundMe.