
Al Jolson - Colgate Program 43-01-12 Guest - Robert Benchley
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Al Jolson
Ladies, lend an ear to me. Ladies, listen here to me. Better complexions in just two weeks.
Bob Benchley
Palmolive brings you proof that speaks.
Palmolive Advertiser
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Bob Benchley
Because there may be new beauty for.
Carol Bruce
You as soon as you do so.
Bob Benchley
Start today. The Palm Olive Way.
Carol Bruce
Used to powder every day. Brush your teeth. The cold gateway.
Colgate Advertiser
Yes, sir. When you hear that jingle, you know. The makers of Colgate Toothpowder present Al Jolson. His guest, Robert Benchley and Carol Bruce park your Carcasson, Ray Block and his orchestra. And here's Al.
Al Jolson (singing)
You'll hear me calling you Neath your window Some sweet day you will hear me calling you Then you'll. No. I'm home to stay When I hear your cheery answer it will make my dreams come true.
Bob Benchley
Because I know that.
Al Jolson (singing)
You means I love you.
Bob Benchley
I love the girl I left behind.
Al Jolson (singing)
Me I know she waits for my.
Bob Benchley
Return.
Al Jolson (singing)
Soon in her arms you're gonna find me oh, how I'll hold her I Ronan told her yes because you need your window. Some sweet day if you hear me calling you Then you'll know I'm home to stay When I hear your cheery answer it will make my dreams come.
Bob Benchley
Tr Because I know that you means.
Carol Bruce
I love you.
Bob Benchley
Thank you, folks. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, you're swelling. Well, sir, I certainly had a tough time getting here tonight. Right here, this broadcast. I didn't think I'd be here. You know, Fred, I put my car away and honestly, in New York, you cannot get a taxicab for love nor money. It certainly took the gas rationing board and put the country back on its feet. Really, it did. You know something? I. Oh, no, it isn't that good. But anyway. Oh, this will kill you. Look, I couldn't even hire a horse. There's not a horse to be had. I tried five butcher shops. Honestly, I didn't.
Colgate Advertiser
Well, the government ban on pleasure driving sure has affected everybody, Al.
Bob Benchley
Everybody but the Russians. They're driving towards Rostov, and believe me, it's a pleasure. And you know, some Freddy. I heard. I heard. I don't know how true it is. I hope it is true that the snow is so deep in Russia Hitler has to jack up his generals to shoot Him? Really? I think so.
Colgate Advertiser
Well, I understand you put your car in storage, Al. You know the police are certainly enforcing that new ruling.
Bob Benchley
New ruling. You said it, Fred. Get this. A cop stopped a car on Fifth Avenue the other day and said to the man at the wheel, hey, haven't you heard about the ban on pleasure driving? And a fellow said, what? Pleasure driving? This is my mother in law alongside of me.
Colgate Advertiser
Say, Al, I suppose you had to fire your chauffeur.
Bob Benchley
No, no, I didn't fire my chauffeur. I still have my chauffeur. He's just got a little easier, that's all. You know what he does now? He carries me piggyback to the subway, puts a nickel in the slot and he's through for the day. Through for the day.
Colgate Advertiser
Well, I guess everybody will have to give up their car soon.
Bob Benchley
Everybody except my Uncle Gremlin Jol. He doesn't need much gas for his car.
Colgate Advertiser
Ah, doesn't the rubber shortage bother him either?
Bob Benchley
Nah. Instead of tires, my uncle uses four manhole covers dipped in bubble gum.
Carol Bruce
Hello, Al.
Bob Benchley
Well, Carol. Bruce. Shut my mouth.
Carol Bruce
Say, Al, I heard you gave your car up.
Bob Benchley
Yes, and I was glad to do it. But there's little things I miss now. For instance, I won't be able to go to Lake Placid for the winter sports. And you know how crazy I am about skiing, Carol.
Carol Bruce
Oh, you mean sheing, Al.
Bob Benchley
What?
Carol Bruce
You mean sheing she.
Bob Benchley
I like that, too. Well, anyway, I'll never forget the first time I went skiing. I'll never forget. I'll never forget it. As I came down the ski slide and went gliding through the air, I felt like a goose on the loose. Really I did. Then I landed. Lady, will you cut that out, please? The second week you've done that. Then I've got to go over it again. Well, sir, I fell like a go the loose Then I. I landed head first a snow bank and I felt like a drip with a pip. That's the place to land. And now, pal Bruce will sing the big song of the day. Brazil.
Carol Bruce
Brazil the Brazil that we knew Where I wandered with you Lives in my imag where the songs are passionate and a smile has flash in it and a kiss has art in it for you put your heart in it and so I dream of old Brazil where hearts were entertaining June we stood beneath an amber moon Softly murmured Someday soon we kissed and clung together Then tomorrow was another day the morning found me miles away with still a million things to say.
Al Jolson
No.
Carol Bruce
When twilight dims the sky above recalling thrills of our Lord there's one thing I'm certain On return I will to old Brazil Brazil.
Colgate Advertiser
Thank you very much, Carol Bruce, that was lovely indeed. So, you know, folks, when your one and only love in life starts going out with somebody else, it's kind of too late to start worrying about whether or not your breath is always sweet. Now, that's something you've got to be sure about in advance. And that's why it's important to know now that in seven cases out of 10, Colgate tooth powder stops all unpleasing breath. Yes, stops it instantly. And that's a scientific fact. And it means now you can be sure of having a breath that's sweet and wholesome. Friends, it's so easy to protect yourself the Colgate Tooth Powder way. You simply brush your teeth night and morning. And before every date with Colgate Tooth Powder, feel how it bursts instantly into a lively, active, penetrating foam that swirls busily into those hard to get at places. Leaves your mouth feeling cool, clean and gloriously refreshed. And at the same time, the soft, safe polishing material in Colgate Tooth Powder reveals all the natural, attractive brilliance of your teeth. That's why I say, for a breath that's sweet and a smile that dazzles, get Colgate Tooth Powder, won't you, please? It's the tooth powder that cleans your breath as it cleans your teeth.
Bob Benchley
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, our guest is a man who's made laughter his business. He has done more to tickle the risibilities of a nation than any man I know. You've seen him in pictures, you've heard him on the radio and you've read his books. Colgate is proud to present Bob Benchley. Well, Bob, now you're on your mettle. Everybody knows. Everybody listening in knows that you're a humorist. Well, how about starting off with something funny? Go on. Let's hear you pull a few nifties. Come on.
Al Jolson
No, no, Al. With prices the way they are, you better lay your own eggs.
Bob Benchley
Molly Woolley without a beard. Well, anyway. Well, if you want to be funny, I know a joke about a chicken, but I won't pull it.
Al Jolson
You see, that's what I mean, Al. You know, there's also a ceiling on corn.
Bob Benchley
In that case, Look, I didn't mean to be funny. Let's drop the whole thing. Let's talk about your visit to New York. Bob, tell me some old. How are you enjoying it here?
Al Jolson
Well, it's a little too cold for me. Al?
Bob Benchley
Yeah?
Al Jolson
In fact, I woke up this morning drooling icicles.
Bob Benchley
Drooling icicles? Well, you see, you've been in California for a few years and maybe your blood probably is a little thin.
Al Jolson
Well, I'm glad of that. I hate fat.
Bob Benchley
Blood, hate fat. Well, I don't mind that. But anyway, if you think it's cold. Listen, you should have been here last week. It was so cold, the girls in the Star and got a review next door had to put on their red flannel beads. That's cold. And you know, get this. And you know that picture in my bedroom of Whistler's Mother sitting in a rocker?
Al Jolson
Yeah.
Bob Benchley
Well, last night she had her feet in a pan of hot water. Really? That's.
Al Jolson
Well, Al, all I know is I almost froze over at the shipyards this morning.
Bob Benchley
Yeah?
Al Jolson
I started to launch a ship and something happened to my arm.
Bob Benchley
Well, what was it, Bob? Frostbite or something.
Al Jolson
I don't know what it was, Al. I just couldn't get the bottle past my mouth. Boy, I wound up with a nasty headache. It's terr.
Bob Benchley
The champagne.
Al Jolson
I don't know what it was, Al. I just couldn't. They ran out of champagne, so they had to launch the ship with me.
Bob Benchley
Oh, I get it. For a moment, I didn't see anybody.
Al Jolson
I didn't take anybody. That was a break, wasn't it?
Bob Benchley
Well, Bob, listen, I know you haven't been in New York for quite a while. I'd like to show you around. Tell me something. Where are you staying?
Al Jolson
At the ywca.
Bob Benchley
Maybe you better show me around. It might surprise you, though, Bob, to know this. I'm an air warden at the Martha Washington Hotel.
Al Jolson
Really?
Bob Benchley
Yeah. And every day I go down and see my sirens.
Al Jolson
Well, I've been seeing a little bit of New York myself. Yeah, I went to a little nightclub last night and they had a balloon dancer there.
Bob Benchley
A balloon dancer? Did you have a good time?
Al Jolson
Oh, swell. The LA manager took away my bean shooter.
Parky
Oh, you.
Bob Benchley
I'm surprised at you by pulling a bean shooter on a balloon dancer. What would Ms. Tuttlesnapper, your old school teacher, say?
Al Jolson
Well, she was a balloon dancer.
Bob Benchley
Well, Bob, I couldn't take you to places like that. My uncle would object. You see, he's a member of the uplift society.
Al Jolson
Uplift society?
Bob Benchley
Yeah, he goes around kilting pinball machines. Now, there's a subject. It might sound like I'm kidding, but there's a subject you could really do a short on. How to be a successful pinball kilter. Or when the lights go on again all over the machine. You know, that new thing. You know, Bob, I've seen every one of your shorts. I wouldn't miss them. How to sleep, how to dress, how to eat. What's the next one about how to.
Al Jolson
Get a pound of coffee?
Bob Benchley
Now you're talking, brother. How do you get a pound of coffee?
Al Jolson
Well, I'm sorry, Al. I can't tell you. That's a civilian secret.
Bob Benchley
Well, when it comes to getting coffee. When it comes to getting coffee, I work as hard as LaGuardia does.
Al Jolson
What do you mean, Al?
Bob Benchley
Every day it's the same old grind. That's using the old scene. Yeah, that's using.
Al Jolson
Another one like that. And Sandman be chasing you.
Bob Benchley
What was that?
Al Jolson
That was another one like that. And Sanborn will be chasing you.
Bob Benchley
Chasing Sanborn.
Al Jolson
Sandbone chasing.
Bob Benchley
Okay, all right.
Colgate Advertiser
What do I have to do?
Bob Benchley
No, I hatch at the head and will it. Okay, I'll stop. Tell me something about. Are you making new shorts?
Al Jolson
Yes, Al. We're working on one now called how to Get Rid of Crumbs After Eating Crackers in Bed.
Bob Benchley
Well, how do you get rid of them?
Al Jolson
Oh, that's quite a problem. Alone. No matter how much you brush them, you'll always find a crumb turning up in the strangest places.
Parky
Hello, kids.
Bob Benchley
Park your carcass. Parkee.
Parky
Yeah?
Bob Benchley
I want you to meet a famous movie actor. A man who is known to the girls in Hollywood as a strong, silent type. Yeah, a sort of a Super Cooper.
Parky
Super Cooper, huh? To me, he looks more like a puny muni.
Bob Benchley
You don't understand, Parker. This is Robert Bentley, humorous author, actor, veconteur, a man about pound and a connoisseur of the arts.
Parky
Does he also do his own laundry? Say, you know, you're kept pretty busy, ain't you, Mr. Punchy?
Bob Benchley
Correct.
Al Jolson
Correction, Parky. My name is Benchley, not Punchy.
Parky
I see.
Al Jolson
He's always been Benchley. Where'd you get Punchy?
Parky
I was dropped in my head when I was a baby. That's how I happened to go into show business.
Bob Benchley
Parky, you've been on the stage all these years?
Al Jolson (singing)
Yeah.
Bob Benchley
Did you really start out as an actor? No.
Parky
As a little boy.
Bob Benchley
Well, naturally. Naturally. Most of us do.
Parky
Not my little sister. You see, I began my career in a play which I wrote myself called Flotsam and Jetsam.
Al Jolson
Flotsam and Jetsam?
Bob Benchley
Yeah.
Al Jolson
Well, that's the stuff that lies around the beaches.
Parky
That was me for eight years.
Bob Benchley
Parky. Wait a minute. Lying around the beach is no good for you. That's how you put on all that weight.
Parky
No, no, it. Don't be my fault when I'm fat. You know, I used to have A sickness called 60 miles from Rochester.
Bob Benchley
Just a moment. A sickness called 60 miles from Rochester? Yeah.
Parky
Syracuse veins.
Al Jolson
What you need, Parky, is exercise. Really, that's what I do. Look at me. I'm as fit as a fiddle.
Parky
Yes, and you could use a few new strings, too.
Bob Benchley
Pocky, that's no way to talk to anybody who's trying to help you. You'd be a lot better off if you exercised. I would?
Al Jolson (singing)
Yeah.
Bob Benchley
That's what I do, too, now. Every day. Every day I take long walks along the waterfront.
Parky
Is that good?
Bob Benchley
Is that good? Good? It's perfect.
Al Jolson
Why, the waterfront is wonderful this time of year. What's more beautiful than the east river with snow or the Hudson river with ice?
Parky
Green river with ginger ale.
Bob Benchley
Well, we could use a little. I. I hope you don't mind Parky, Bob. You see, he. He doesn't really know what he's saying. Who don't?
Parky
I'm not as ignorant as I look, you know.
Bob Benchley
No.
Parky
For your information, last week I made $50 on information. Please.
Bob Benchley
How?
Parky
Stole the cash register.
Al Jolson
I think Pocky's rather amusing.
Bob Benchley
You know, in a gruesome way, you.
Al Jolson
Make an ideal companion. Pocky. Look, I'm taking a hunting trip next week.
Bob Benchley
Yeah?
Al Jolson
How'd you like to come along and shoot a buck?
Parky
You're faded.
Bob Benchley
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We did that a month ago.
Al Jolson
Listen, I was referring to wild game, Pocky.
Bob Benchley
Yeah.
Al Jolson
For instance, in my trophy room at home, I have a mounted moose, stuffed eagle and a mounted elder.
Parky
Did you ever bag a mason?
Bob Benchley
Well, don't be silly, Pocky. You couldn't. You couldn't have a mounted mace in your trophy room. Why not?
Parky
My cook has got a mounted policeman in the kitchen.
Bob Benchley
Don't mind this guy, Bob. He's nothing but a big G O.
Al Jolson
P E. You're right, Al. He's also a J E R K. Huh?
Parky
Listen, Benchley, I may be a D O P E and a J E R K, but on this program, I'm not just a guest. I got a steady job.
Bob Benchley
Well, Bob, now tell me, what is your final opinion of Parky?
Al Jolson
Well, I must invite him over to the house. Yeah, I want him to frighten my sister. She has hiccups.
Bob Benchley
Hey, Bob, by the way, I heard a lot about your new house. Can I come up to see it sometime?
Al Jolson
Anytime you say. Al. But remember, when you reach my house, be sure to go through the iron gate, not the wooden one.
Bob Benchley
The iron gate.
Al Jolson
Yeah. That's a little whim of mine. I don't. You see, the iron gate is for friends and the wooden gate is for strangers.
Bob Benchley
And what does your family use? What gate?
Al Jolson
Cold gate, naturally.
Bob Benchley
This is the place.
Colgate Advertiser
Thanks very much for the plug, Bob Benchley. You know, friend, seriously, no matter how attractive a person may look, they're not attractive to be with unless their breath is sweet. Isn't that right? That's why it's important for all of us to know that in seven cases out of ten, Colgate Tooth Powder stops oral, unpleasing breath instantly. And that's a scientific fact, friends. Scientific proof that you can make sure of having a breath that's sweet simply by brushing your teeth the easy Colgate Tooth Powder way. That's all there is to it. Just brush your teeth night and morning and before every date. And feel how Colgate Tooth Powder bursts into a lively, active, penetrating foam. Feel it swirl busily into those hard to get at places leaving your whole mouth feeling refreshed and cool and clean. Yes. Notice, too, how the soft, safe polishing material in Colgate Tooth Powder reveals all the natural, attractive sparkle of your teeth. Then you'll know why. I say, for a breath that's sweet and a smile that dazzles, get Colgate Tooth Powder, the tooth powder that cleans your breath as it cleans your teeth. And one more thing, friends. These, you know, of course, are war times. So if your dealer happens to be temporarily out of Colgate Tooth Powder, just remember that the Colgate people are working night and day to keep him supplied. And his order will be filled just as soon as possible.
Carol Bruce
Use Toothpowder every day. Brush your teeth the Colgate way.
Al Jolson
This is Bob Benchley again, ladies and gentlemen. In my time, I've seen quite a few pictures. Most of them I've forgotten. But there's one that I'll always remember. That was the picture in which Al Jolson sang a song that will always live in the hearts of young and old alike. And when Mr. Jolson asked me to appear on this program tonight I made him promise me that he'd sing that song. I'm sure you've all guessed the title by now, Sonny Boy.
Bob Benchley
Thank you, Bob, for that swell introduction about that little so. And I hope when you're leaving tomorrow for California and make that picture with Fred Astaire, I hope and trust it'll be a big hit.
Al Jolson (singing)
Climb up on my knee. Sunny boy.
Bob Benchley
Though you're only three.
Al Jolson (singing)
Sonny boy. You've no way of knowing. There's no way of showing what you mean to me. Sonny boy won. There are gray sk. Mind the gray sky you make and blue. Sunny boy. Friend may forsake me. Let them all forsaken me. I still have you sonny bo.
Bob Benchley
Sent from heaven.
Al Jolson (singing)
And I know your word. You've made a heaven for me right here.
Carol Bruce
O Lord.
Al Jolson (singing)
When I'm in you won't stray dear. For I love you so. Sunny boy. When there are gray skies. I don't mind. I don't mind.
Bob Benchley
Gray skies.
Al Jolson (singing)
You may come blue sonny born friends.
Bob Benchley
Friends may forsake me.
Al Jolson (singing)
Let em. Let em all.
Bob Benchley
Let em all forsake me.
Al Jolson (singing)
I still have you sonny bull.
Bob Benchley
You're you are sent from heaven.
Al Jolson (singing)
And I know your worth. You've made a heaven for me. And the angels. They grew lonely. Took you because they were lonely.
Bob Benchley
Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Next week, folks, in addition to our regular cast, we bring you one of America's unsung heroes, A boy who just returned from Guadalcanal. Private First Class Dana Babcock. A parachutist in United States Marine Corps. Private Babcock was in the first boat to storm the beach at Gawutu and the Solomons. And next Tuesday we bring you private Babcock and 20 of his marine buddies. I hope you'll all be listening next Tuesday. Now good night to you all and thank you.
Colgate Advertiser
Don't forget, friends, It's a day next week with Al Jolson, his guest, Private Dana Babcock. And our regular cast presented by Colgate. Tooth Powder. The tooth powder that cleans your breath as it cleans your teeth. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Title: Al Jolson - Colgate Program 43-01-12 Guest - Robert Benchley
Release Date: July 1, 2025
Introduction
In this charming episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are treated to a delightful blend of humor, music, and engaging conversations featuring the legendary Al Jolson and his esteemed guest, Robert Benchley. Broadcasted on July 1, 2025, the episode captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio, transporting the audience back to a time when families gathered around the radio for entertainment.
Opening Musical Performance
The episode opens with Al Jolson captivating the audience with his heartfelt rendition of "Sonny Boy," setting a warm and nostalgic tone for the evening.
Al Jolson (00:02 - 02:35):
“Ladies, lend an ear to me. Ladies, listen here to me...”
Jolson's performance is heartfelt and engaging, drawing listeners into the intimate atmosphere of the show.
Humorous Banter Between Hosts
Following the musical interlude, Robert Benchley takes center stage, engaging in playful banter with Al Jolson. Their chemistry is palpable, offering a seamless blend of humor and camaraderie.
Robert Benchley (02:55 - 04:36):
“Well, sir, I certainly had a tough time getting here tonight...”
Benchley's jokes about the challenges of transportation resonate with the audience, reflecting the era's societal nuances.
Notable Quote:
“In New York, you cannot get a taxicab for love nor money.” (03:31)
Benchley's wit shines as he humorously laments the scarcity of taxis, a nod to wartime rationing.
Discussion on Wartime Restrictions
Benchley and Jolson delve into the impact of wartime regulations on daily life, particularly focusing on the ban on pleasure driving. Their discussion highlights the universal challenges faced during this period, making the conversation relatable and informative.
Robert Benchley (04:00 - 04:38):
“New ruling. You said it, Fred. Get this. A cop stopped a car on Fifth Avenue...”
Benchley humorously narrates an encounter with law enforcement, illustrating the pervasive nature of wartime restrictions.
Al Jolson (04:36):
“Nah. Instead of tires, my uncle uses four manhole covers dipped in bubble gum.” (04:36)
Jolson's inventive response adds a layer of absurdity, enhancing the comedic atmosphere.
Introduction of Carol Bruce and Parky
The episode seamlessly introduces Carol Bruce, a recurring character, and Parky, adding depth to the show's dynamic. Their interactions with Jolson and Benchley infuse additional humor and variety into the program.
Carol Bruce (04:46 - 05:50):
Engages in witty exchanges about personal anecdotes, including Jolson's skiing mishaps.
Parky (13:32 - 16:26):
Introduced as a humorous character, Parky's playful dialogues with Benchley and Jolson provide a lighthearted break from the main discussion.
Humorous Stories and Jokes
A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the comedic storytelling prowess of Benchley and Jolson. Their humorous exchanges touch upon everyday scenarios exaggerated for comedic effect, showcasing their impeccable timing and delivery.
Robert Benchley (05:07 - 07:23):
“I tried five butcher shops. Honestly, I didn't...”
Benchley's exaggerated frustrations highlight the absurdities of wartime shortages.
Al Jolson (10:44 - 16:26):
Shares humorous anecdotes about cold weather experiences and the challenges of launching ships, blending slapstick humor with clever wordplay.
Musical Interludes by Carol Bruce
Carol Bruce graces the episode with her melodic performances, offering a musical interlude that complements the show's comedic elements. Her rendition of "Brazil" is particularly noteworthy for its emotional depth and vocal prowess.
Carol Bruce (05:50 - 07:17):
“Brazil, the Brazil that we knew, where I wandered with you...”
Her performance adds a touch of elegance and nostalgia, balancing the program's comedic tone.
Final Musical Performance and Closing Remarks
As the episode nears its conclusion, Al Jolson delivers another stirring performance of "Sonny Boy," leaving the audience with a lingering sense of warmth and appreciation for timeless classics.
Al Jolson (19:45 - 23:12):
“Climb up on my knee, Sonny boy...”
Jolson's heartfelt rendition serves as a perfect closure, reinforcing the show's nostalgic theme.
Robert Benchley (22:14 - 23:49):
Wraps up the episode with a teaser for the next broadcast, featuring Private First Class Dana Babcock, ensuring listeners remain engaged and eager for future episodes.
Conclusion
This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully blends humor, music, and engaging conversations, encapsulating the charm of the Golden Age of Radio. Al Jolson and Robert Benchley's effortless interplay, complemented by Carol Bruce's musical talents, create a memorable listening experience that resonates with both nostalgic audiences and new listeners alike.
Notable Quote to Remember:
“For a breath that's sweet and a smile that dazzles, get Colgate Tooth Powder.” (Throughout Advertisements)
The seamless integration of product endorsements during the era adds authenticity to the broadcast, reflecting the multifaceted nature of radio shows of the time.
Looking Forward
Listeners are left eagerly anticipating the next episode, which promises to feature an inspiring segment with Private Dana Babcock and his Marine buddies, continuing the tradition of mixing entertainment with timely content.
End of Summary