Alan Young Show 441024 xxx Alan Buys A Water Heater {AFRS}_OTRRPG

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Alan Young Show 441024 – "Alan Buys A Water Heater"

Date: March 6, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

---

Episode Overview

This episode features a classic performance from "The Alan Young Show," a beloved radio program from 1944. The main thread of the episode follows Alan Young’s slapstick misadventures as he tries to replace his broken hot water heater. The show is rich with comedic banter, light-hearted social commentary, and witty one-liners, set against the backdrop of Alan's domestic life, interactions with friends, romantic foibles, and visits to local businesses. Along the way, the episode is punctuated by musical performance and a series of escalating comic complications.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Morning After the Dinner Party

(00:44–02:30)

• Setting: Ken Delmar (Kenny) visits Alan to recall the previous night's dinner party.
• Comedic Highlights:
  • Alan jokes about his "beefsteak surprise"—the surprise being there’s no beefsteak.
    • "What was the surprise?" – Kenny
    • "Didn't you notice? No beefsteak." – Alan (01:38)
  • Alan gripes about the high price of buttermilk and his "solution":
    • "I bought a pound of butter and I milked it myself." (02:10)
• Satirical Observations:
  Alan describes "ultra modern" dairies where cows listen to radio shows to encourage milk production, claiming they were "flooded with milk" because the cows were listening to Double or Nothing.

---

2. Alan’s Domestic Life and Football Memories

(02:27–03:17)

• Alan explains the party was to celebrate his high school football team’s victory.
• Jokes about his athletic prowess—his opponent was the "Beaverdale Bloomer Girls".
• Alan dashes off to take a bath, leaving Kenny waiting in the living room.

---

3. Carmelita the Cook

(03:17–05:47)

• Alan is called to the kitchen by Carmelita, his outlandish cook.

  • She misreads a cookbook, asking about how to "paste the chicken" (thinking it involves glue).
  • Shows Alan her reference letter signed by “Xavier Cugat”.

• Notable exchange:

  • "That's what I get for hiring a Swedish cook." – Alan, misidentifying the clearly Hispanic-accented Carmelita for comic effect (04:44).

• Alan heads to his bath; comic sequence of pretending his bath is a naval adventure.

---

4. The Broken Water Heater

(05:47–07:34)

• Carmelita informs Alan the water is cold because the “hot water heater is bust.”
• Alan resolves to buy a new one.

---

5. Diane Courtney and Musical Interlude

(07:34–10:20)

• Alan greets Diane Courtney, congratulating her on being chosen “Outstanding New Singer of 1944” by Song Hits magazine.
  • Diane performs "Just One of Those Things", providing a heartfelt and classy musical break.
  • Alan jokes about his own “honor” by Grapefruit Growers Weekly as "the most promising young squirt of 1944." (07:58)

---

6. Betty Arrives – Romantic and College Humor

(10:21–15:13)

• Alan flirts awkwardly with Betty, Diane’s sister, who is starting college.

  • Alan asks if Betty wants to see him jump over the fire hydrant (10:35).

• Light romantic banter, with Alan struggling to keep up with her sophistication and college aspirations.

• Alan tries to show he is a "man of the world," but to comedic futility:

  • "I told him I'm a man of the world."
    "He said he means this world." – Betty (13:25)

• Betty is courted by multiple, more conventionally attractive men. Alan is resigned; jokes mix with wistfulness.

• Betty professes her love for "Plato, Socrates, and Euripides," prompting Alan to ask:

  • "Don't you ever go out with American boys?" (14:48)

• Alan claims his father wanted him to go to Vassar "so I'd have all the advantages he didn’t have." Betty points out it's a girls’ college (15:11).

---

7. At Greenbracker’s Department Store

(15:21–19:04)

• Alan visits the grumpy Mr. Breenbacker in search of a new hot water heater.
  • Comic banter:
    • "My wife walks in her sleep... I dream that I’m a sailor and I follow her." – Breenbacker (17:10)
    • "What's wrong with sleeping like a log?" – Breenbacker
      "My father keeps throwing me into the fireplace." – Alan (17:20)
  • Various odd water heaters (including a "radio model").
  • Pricing confusion and installment/cash payment jokes.
• Alan is directed to the "Loophole Loan Company" for a loan to afford the heater.

---

8. Kenny’s Drugstore Detour

(19:27–20:01)

• Alan stops for a malted milk at Kenny's Drugstore.
  • Wordplay: Kenny misunderstands Alan needs a “loan,” thinking he means “alone.”
• Short, rapid-fire gags before Alan heads to the loan company.

---

9. Loophole Loan Company Shenanigans

(23:17–28:04)

• Alan encounters a hostile and sarcastic Mr. Loophole at the loan company.
  • "Are you Mr. Loophole?"
    "Yes, what do you want, you flat-headed, fish-faced, imbecilic, repulsive, timid, moronic looking baboon?" (24:00)
• Alan’s attempts to qualify for a loan are met with absurd requirements:
  • Loophole measures his thumbs for "the thumb screw", and demands past addresses adding up to more years than Alan's age.
  • Security for the loan: Alan offers a medal for coming second in a potato race ("the potato came in first").
• Alan must undergo a mock "physical examination" to prove fitness for the loan company "chain gang".
• Memorable surreal exchange in the doctor’s office—Alan asked to sing louder and louder.
  • "Now sing something, please. The old oaken bucket. A little louder, please. The iron bound bucket..." (27:27)

---

10. Finale: Hot Water Heater Woes and Slapstick Resolution

(28:27–29:11)

• Alan returns home, having installed the electric heater.
• Carmelita warns Alan he "got the wires mixed up between the radio and the hot water pump."
• Absurd payoff: turning on the radio dispenses hot water, and turning on the faucet delivers a character instead of water.
  • "I just turned on the radio and hot water came out." – Carmelita (28:49)
  • "Let's see what comes out of the hot water faucet..."
    "How do you do? Has anyone seen my husband?" – A new character emerges from the faucet (29:05)
  • Carmelita and Alan close the episode with a final zinger and wave “good night.”

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Didn't you notice? No beefsteak." – Alan (01:38)
• "I bought a pound of butter and I milked it myself." – Alan (02:10)
• "That's what I get for hiring a Swedish cook." – Alan on Carmelita (04:44)
• "He wanted me to go to Vassar."
  "But Vassar is a girls' college." – Alan and Betty (15:11)
• "I tore my underwear." – Breenbacker, explaining why a long-handled brush didn’t work for bathing (16:45)
• "Yes, what do you want, you flat headed, fish faced, imbecilic, repulsive, timid, moronic looking baboon?" – Mr. Loophole (24:00)
• "Who came in first?"
  "The potato." – Alan, on the potato race (26:12)
• "I just turned on the radio and hot water came out." – Carmelita (28:49)
• "Let's see what comes out of the hot water faucet... How do you do? Has anyone seen my husband?" (29:05)

---

Tone and Style

The episode is suffused with the high-energy, zany wit characteristic of 1940s radio comedy. Alan Young's self-deprecating style, lightning-paced puns, and friendly banter create a warm, silly atmosphere, punctuated by quick character changes, broad cultural references, and vaudeville-style slapstick. Running gags are delivered with perfect timing, and interactions with supporting characters (particularly Carmelita, Breenbacker, and Loophole) play with social tropes and absurdist logic.

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:44 – Show introduction, Alan greets Kenny after dinner party
• 01:27 – Discussion of the "beefsteak surprise"
• 02:27 – Alan's football stories, bath plans
• 03:17 – Carmelita’s kitchen debacle
• 05:47 – Discovery: water heater is broken
• 07:34 – Diane Courtney congratulated, musical number
• 10:21 – Betty arrives, college and dating humor
• 15:21 – Alan at Greenbracker's Department Store
• 19:27 – Kenny's Drugstore
• 23:17 – Arrival at the Loophole Loan Company, comic loan application
• 28:27 – Home again: the hot water heater mix-up and comic ending

---

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This installment of The Alan Young Show offers a perfect snapshot of golden-age radio humor: innocent, fast-paced, and joyfully irreverent. Alan’s misadventures with a simple household chore spin out into zany encounters, classic one-liners, and affectionate lampoons of American domestic life—all with an undercurrent of gentle satire. The show’s blend of music, character comedy, and heartfelt banter offers not just laughs, but a window into the cultural mood of 1940s America.

Transcript

[A]

Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week. 16 ounce sweet strawberries are two for $5 member price. And don't miss the incredible deal on Signature select boneless skinless chicken breast value packs for $2.97 per pound limit. One plus medium avocados or mangoes are five for $5 member price. Fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit Safeway or albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save the Alan Young Show.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ken Delmar welcoming you to the Alan Young show. Featuring our singing star, Diane Courtney, the music of Peter Van Steeden, and starring Alan Young. Well, friends with. Just outside Alan Young's house. It's a beautiful house. The walls are covered with rambling roses. No paint, just roses. You know, Alan gave a dinner party last night. I wonder if he's finished washing the dishes.

[C]

Oh, hello, Kenny. Come on in.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Glad you dropped in, Kenny. Did you enjoy the dinner party I gave last night?

[B]

I certainly did, Alan. I'm sorry I had to leave so soon. How long did the party go on after I left?

[C]

Oh, it lasted for about an hour and a quartz. But I'm glad you liked the meal. What did you think of the main course? The beefsteak surprise?

[B]

Beefsteak surprise?

[D]

What was the surprise?

[C]

Didn't you notice? No beefsteak. And by the way, I'm not gonna invite Peter Van Steven to another dinner party at my house. The man simply has no table manners at all. If you remember, when I was eating, I kept my little finger extended.

[B]

Well, what's that supposed to indicate?

[C]

Elegance. It means a left turn into the spaghetti. That was quite a din. And very expensive, too. When I was out shopping at a dairy, they asked me 40 cents for a quart of buttermilk. But I outsmarted them.

[B]

What did you do?

[C]

I bought a pound of butter and I milked it myself. Incidentally, Kenny, you ought to see that dairy I go to. It's ultra modern. They put a radio in the stall with every cow to encourage production. When I got there, the place was flooded with milk. Why? The cows were listening to Double or Nothing.

[B]

Say, Alan, I meant to ask you, why did you give that dinner party?

[C]

Didn't you know? To celebrate the big victory of my high school football. I love football. I saw the Cornell Princeton game last year and I. I sat so far up in the grandstand, I had to use binoculars. Somehow or other, a penny got stuck on one of the lenses.

[B]

What happened?

[C]

All through the first half, I thought Abraham Lincoln was playing fullback.

[B]

Well, you kind of like football, don't you, Alan?

[C]

Oh, yes. I was the star halfback for the Tutwater High School team in their big game of the season.

[B]

Who did you play?

[C]

The Beaverdale Bloomer Girls. I'll never forget that game. Before the game, everybody said the Bloomer Girls had beat the pants off us. But if you happen to see the game, you know that we beat the. Well, we won. I'd love to tell you more, Kenny, but I left the water running for my bath. I gotta get upstairs. You can wait for me here in the living room if you want. Mr. Young.

[E]

Hey, Mr. Young. Come up here and do the kitchen.

[C]

That cook of mine, I wonder what she wants. What is it, Carmelita?

[E]

Mr. Young, perhaps you can lend me a hand, eh? I want you to help me paste this chicken.

[C]

Paste the chicken. See?

[E]

And look how the cookbook spells paste with a B.

[C]

Must be a mistake. Here's the glue. You know, Carmweeda. You're not doing a very good job of keeping this house in order, Mr. Young.

[E]

One more remark like this, and I go out and get for myself another job. Don't forget I have very good references from my last employer.

[C]

References? You never showed them to me.

[E]

Ah, I got the letter right here. Look, I read it to you. Carmelita Gomez is a very good cook and she keep my house clean. I can recommend her.

[C]

She is so efficient. Wait a second. Who signed that reference?

[E]

Xavier Cougar.

[C]

Put that letter away and get busy with the house. Here, I bought some furniture polish for you. Easy.

[E]

Good stuff.

[C]

Oh, it's wonderful. You just put some on the furniture and rub for three days. Then put a little more on and rub for four days, and before you know it, the week is gone. Now get busy around here. If anybody calls, I'll be taking a bath.

[E]

Mr. Young, you took a bath yesterday.

[C]

I take a bath every day.

[E]

Oh, you Americans are so superstitious. Los americanos de los Estados Unidos unocos en las cabeza.

[C]

That's what I get for hiring a Swedish cook. Hey, that water is still running in the tub. I better get upstairs right away. Ah, I didn't overflow much. The only thing that's floating is the sink. Now for a nice hot bath. Let me get my clothes off. My jacket, my tie, my shirt. Darn it. Why do I use these safety pins? Doesn't that bathtub look inviting? Just like an ocean. I'll make believe I'm an Admiral in the navy. Now, this is my fleet. This washcloth is a battleship. This sponge is a destroyer. This scrubbing brush is an aircraft carrier. I'll open fire. Bang, bang, bang, bang. Some sneak loaded the soap. Now for my bath. Kind of cold. Carmelita. Carmelita. What's wrong with the hot water?

[F]

Cold.

[C]

Well, why isn't it hot?

[E]

Because the hot water heater is bust.

[C]

Oh, that hot water heater. I'll have to get a new one. Never get a hot bath in this house.

[B]

Alan, what are you mumbling about?

[C]

I get. Whoa. Hello, Kenny. I forgotten you were still here. My hot water heater's broken again. I got to go downtown and buy a new one. Want to come? Say, Kenny, look who's coming down the street. Diane Courtney. Hello, Diane.

[G]

Hello, Alan.

[C]

Say, Diane, I heard some wonderful news about you. The editorial staff of Song Hits magazine has chosen you as the outstanding new singer of 1944 because of your wonderful work you've done on radio records and your singing for the armed forces. That's a wonderful honor, you know.

[G]

Thank you, Alan. I'm really grateful to Song Hits magazine and its readers, and I'd like to thank them very much.

[C]

You know, Diane, I had an honor conferred on me by a magazine this week, too.

[F]

Really?

[G]

What was it?

[C]

Well, the editors of the Grapefruit Growers Weekly looked over the field of new comedians and they selected me as the most promising young squirt of 1944. By the way, Diane, have you learned any new songs lately?

[G]

Uh huh. But may I do an old favorite? Just One of those things?

[C]

Oh, swell, Diane.

[F]

It was just one of those things Just one of those crazy things One of those bells but now and then rings Just one of those things it was just one of those night Just one of those fabulous flights A trip to the moon on gosh for my wings Just one of those things if we thought a bit of the end of it when we started painting the town we'd have been aware that our love affair was too hot not to cool down so goodbye, dear and amen here's hoping we meet now and then it was great fun but it was just one of those things if we thought a bit of the end of it when we started painting the town we'd have been aware that our love affair was too hot not to cool down. It was great fun but it was just one of those things, dear Just one of those One of those wonderful things.

[C]

Gee, that was fine, Diane.

[G]

Well, thank you, Alan. Oh, here comes my sister, Betty. You remember Betty, don't You, Alan?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Hello, Betty.

[G]

Hello, Mr. Young. How are you?

[C]

Oh, that's okay. Betty.

[G]

Yes, Mr. Young?

[C]

Care to see me jump over this fire hydrant? Mm.

[G]

Allen, you sort of like my sister, don't you?

[C]

Well, you know what they say in French?

[G]

No, what?

[C]

They can say almost anything in French. Sure is nice to see you, Betty.

[G]

Thank you, Alan. Betty's very thrilled because today she's starting college. She's looking forward to meeting all the big college men, huh? Oh, yes, I've heard so much about them. Oh, they're all so suave and sophisticated, huh?

[C]

Dan, cigarettes.

[G]

No, Alan.

[C]

Betty, cigarettes.

[G]

No, Mr. Young.

[C]

I guess I'll have to bum one from somebody else. You made any good fudge lately, Betty?

[G]

Not lately. Ah, well, I've got some more shopping to do. I'll see you later, kids. Goodbye, Diane.

[C]

Goodbye, Diane.

[A]

Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week. 16 ounce sweet strawberries are two for $5 member price. And don't miss the incredible deal on signature select boneless skinless chicken breast value packs for $2.97 per pound limit. One plus medium avocados or mangoes are five for $5 member price. Fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit safewayoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.

[H]

If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place, from H VAC and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[C]

Your sister's swell, Betty. I don't meet many girls like her. No. No, I don't meet many girls like you either. No, I don't meet many girls. Betty, are you walking my way?

[G]

Yes, I am.

[C]

Good. So am I. Gosh, Betty, you're the. You're the prettiest girl I ever saw.

[G]

Oh, you're kidding.

[C]

Yeah, she. I. I could just be putty in your hands. If you care for a handful of putty. You know, I was. I was gonna ask you for a date.

[G]

Well, okay, Mr. Young, I'll go out with you. I had a fight with my parents and I want to disgrace them.

[C]

What?

[G]

Oh, I didn't mean that, Mr. Young. But my dad doesn't like you. Well, he says that anyone I go out with has to be a man of the world.

[C]

Well, tell him I'm a man of the world.

[G]

I did. And he said he means this world. Oh, and another thing. Dad prefers a man. Oh, there's Eddie. Hello, Eddie. Oh, isn't that a lovely car he has, Mr. Young? A brand new at Cylinder Roadster. Oh, Mr. Young, Eddie's waving at you. Why don't you say something to him?

[C]

Well, okay. Hi, Eddie. Your father out of jail yet?

[G]

Mr. Young, that wasn't very nice. Eddie is a very fine boy and he's taking me to the country club dance tonight.

[C]

They got a nice dance at the Elks Club tonight. I'm going down if I can get milk. I hate to go to the Elks as a stag.

[F]

Pretty good, eh, Betty? Elk Stag.

[C]

You know, sort of a joke. Forget it.

[G]

Oh, there's Charlie. Oh, he has a convertible roadster too. Oh, Charlie's so much fun. He's effervescent and he just bubbles over.

[C]

So does 7 up and you get 2 cents back on the bottle. Diane said you were gonna go to college.

[G]

Oh, yes, I've been looking forward to it. Oh, I'm so much in love with Plato, Socrates and Euripides.

[C]

Don't you ever go out with American boys?

[G]

Mr. Young, you just don't understand. Whatever stopped you from going to college?

[C]

High school. Of course I could have gone to college. My father wanted me to have all the advantages he didn't have. He wanted me to go to Vassar.

[G]

But Vassar is a girls college.

[C]

He wanted me to have all the advantages he didn't have. Besides, I. Gee, look at the time. I gotta be getting along. I gotta buy a hot water heater for my house.

[G]

Where are you going to buy it?

[C]

You haven't lived around here very long, have you? Where do I buy anything? Greenbracker's Department Store, Mr. Brienbracker. Mr. Breenbacker.

[D]

Oh, you would have to walk in now.

[C]

Oh, were you doing something important?

[D]

I was in the back of the store wrapping up a package to send to my wife's brother overseas.

[C]

What are you sending him?

[D]

My wife? Now, did you come in here to buy something or did the girls on the block throw you out of their potsy game again?

[C]

Don't be silly, Mr. Beanbacker. I don't play potsy. I'm grown up. Why do you think I wear these long pants?

[D]

So the fellows can tell you from your sister. Now, what did you come in here for, buster Brown?

[C]

Well, Mr. Beanbacker, I'm here because I haven't had a hot bath for weeks.

[D]

I bet you don't get many dates, do you,

[C]

Mr. Greenbacker? What I mean is, my hot water heater's broken, so I had to take cold baths.

[D]

Well, tell me something, kid, and I hope I'm not being too personal, but who washes your back?

[C]

Nobody. I do it myself with a long handled scrubbing brush.

[D]

I tried that the last time I took a bath and it was no good.

[C]

Why not?

[D]

I tore my underwear.

[C]

Look, Mr. Breenbacker, do you have a hot water heater to sell me?

[D]

Sure I have. I have a gas heater, an electric heater, a cold heater and a radio model.

[C]

What's a radio model, Gabriel? Heater.

[D]

Nosy.

[C]

Mr. Breenbacker, why are you always so nasty to me? Is something bothering you?

[D]

I never get any rest at night. My wife walks in her sleep.

[C]

Why does that keep you from resting?

[D]

I dream that I'm a sailor and I follow her.

[C]

Isn't that strange? You're unhappy because you can't sleep. And my trouble is that I sleep like a log.

[D]

What's wrong with sleeping like a log?

[C]

My father keeps throwing me into the fireplace. I wish he wouldn't do it. I keep on making an ash of myself.

[D]

Isn't he corny, kid? No wonder you can sleep. No wonder you can sleep, kid. You don't have a wife like my Emily to nag you. Take my advice, kid. Don't ever get married.

[C]

Why not?

[D]

Between you and me, love is silly.

[C]

Between you and me, it would be ridiculous. Now, can I. Can I see the hot water heater?

[D]

Here's one right over here. This is a gas heater.

[C]

Let me see if it works. I'll turn on the gas. The gas is coming through all right. I think I'll light a match.

[D]

Don't light a match. Too much gas has escaped. It'll explode.

[C]

I can't explode. I'll just light a match to see if the heater works.

[D]

Don't light that match. The explosion will knock you flat on your face.

[C]

There's no danger at all. Light this match and then it will.

[D]

I'm glad, Mr. Breenbach.

[C]

Maybe I better buy an electric hot water heater. That one near the showcase looks like a good one. The tag on it says, guaranteed for two years and gives hot water in 30 seconds.

[D]

That's a misprint. It's guaranteed for 30 seconds and gives hot water in two years. The price is $95, cash.

[C]

I haven't Got the cash? I'll pay you in installments.

[D]

I sell for cash only. If you haven't got the money now, you can borrow it across the street at the Loophole Loan Company.

[C]

I never borrowed any money from a loan company. But I'll do it this once because I need the heater badly.

[D]

You'll be very happy with this heater. I've got one myself. Last night I came home after a hard day's work, got all set to take a nice hot bath, but I couldn't.

[C]

Why not? Didn't the heater work?

[D]

Yeah, it worked.

[C]

Was the water supply cut off?

[D]

No, there was plenty of water.

[C]

Then why couldn't you take your bath?

[D]

Cause the sink was full of dishes.

[C]

Oh. Good day, mister. Good day, Mr. Young. See, I'm kind of nervous about going into that loan company. I better stop in here at Kenny's Drugstore for a bracing malted milk. Hiya, Kenny.

[B]

Hiya, Alan.

[C]

Okay, I guess. What's cooking?

[B]

Nothing. It always smells this way around here. I got millions of them. Oh, great. What's worrying you, Alan?

[C]

I gotta get a loan.

[B]

All right, I take the hint. I'll leave.

[C]

No, no, no, Kenny. No, no. Alone. You know the stuff you get in banks.

[B]

You mean you're going to a bank because you want to be alone?

[A]

Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week. 16 ounce sweet strawberries are two for $5 member price. And don't miss the incredible deal on Signature select boneless skinless chicken breast value packs for 2.97 per pound limit. One plus medium avocados or mangoes are five for $5 member price. Fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit Safeway or albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save. I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business.

[H]

Three employees and two work trucks.

[A]

Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most.

[C]

They sure are.

[A]

With step by step help on all his insurance needs. All for shockingly low rates.

[H]

Shockingly low, huh?

[A]

Just a little bit of electrician humor. Do you get it?

[B]

I got it.

[A]

You know, it feels like we have a real connection.

[D]

Alright, I'll stop.

[B]

Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico,

[C]

Sam. Well, this is the place Mr. Breenbacker sent me to. The Friendly, Courteous Loophole Loan Company. How do you do? Are you Mr. Loophole?

[B]

Yes, what do you want? You flat headed, fish faced, imbecilic, repulsive, timid, moronic looking baboon?

[C]

Timid? I came in here to borrow some money.

[B]

Oh, you did, did you? What do you think we loan money to any stupid looking character? You loophole. Loan company. What do you want? Oh, hello, Mr. Frisbee. You borrowed $900 from us six years ago and I was kind of hoping that you might be able to make a payment soon. No, huh? Well, I hope you're not angry at me for mentioning the loan, Mr. Frisbee. You're not? Oh, thank you, Mr. Frisbee. Goodbye.

[C]

Who is Mr. Frisbee?

[B]

The head of my draft board. Now, you say you want to borrow some money?

[C]

Yes. I understand you do business in a very friendly, courteous way.

[B]

Oh, sure we do. See that branding iron over there in the corner? Haven't used that on one of our customers for weeks. So you want to borrow some money? Well, first I want to measure your thumbs.

[C]

Why measure my thumbs?

[B]

I want to make sure they fit our thumb screw. Uh, how much would you want to borrow?

[C]

$95.

[B]

I see. Well, give me a list of all your past addresses.

[C]

Well, I lived at 264 Applegate Road for 14 years. Then I lived at 371 South Avenue for 15 years. Then I moved back to Applegate Road and lived there for 22 years.

[B]

Just a second. You're only about 25. How could you be living in this town over 51 years?

[C]

I forced myself.

[B]

I see. Well, tell me something. What do you do for a living?

[C]

I'm a radio comedian.

[B]

Oh, a radio comedian. One of those wise guys who do jokes about loan companies. Heard one of them the other night who said he had to leave his mother in the loan company dungeon of security on a loan.

[C]

I never did a joke like that. That was Eddie Kander.

[B]

Well, the next time you see him, tell him to call for his mother. Now, we come to another thing. If we lend you the money, what are you gonna put up for security?

[C]

Well, how about that medal I won at PS95 for coming in second in the Potato race?

[B]

Who came in first?

[C]

The potato.

[B]

Well, now look, Mr. Young, when we hand out money, we've got to be sure we're gonna get it back. Step inside for your physical examination.

[C]

Physical examination? What for?

[B]

Suppose you don't pay back the money? Well, we want to make sure you're strong enough to work on our chain gang. Now, just step into the next room and the doctor will take care of you.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You're. You're not nervous, are you?

[C]

Oh, no, I'm not nervous. Just breaking in these goose pimples for a goose. Where's the doctor? Here I am. Step right in here, please. How do you do, doctor? Now, young man, relax. I am Dr. Finwangel. Who are you? Dr. Finwangle. Oh, glad to meet you, Dr. Finwangle. I've been bothered with a pain in my stomach. No, no, just. I'm Alan Young. You're Dr. Finwangle. Really? How long have you been suffering from it? Suffering from what?

[D]

Finwangle.

[C]

Very serious disease. You can't borrow any money if you have Finwangel. Look, look, I need that money very badly. So examine me quick. Quack. All right, now stick out your tongue. Further. Further.

[B]

Further.

[C]

Now put your tongue back in your mouth. Well, what's. What's next, doctor? Now, let me listen to your heart. I will. I will listen to your heart. I will put this stethoscope on your chest. And now sing something, please. The old oaken bucket. A little louder, please. The iron bound bucket. A little louder. The moss covered bucket. That's it.

[F]

That hangs by the well.

[C]

Well, that's fine. Do you know Besame Bujo? Oh, let me out of here. I'll get my money and buy meself that hot water.

[B]

Here.

[E]

Mr. Young, before you go in there to take your bath, I have to talk to you.

[C]

Calm. Look, I'm tired. I want to take a bath. I've been running around all day getting an electric hot water heater. First I went to Breenbacker's apartment store, then to the loan company. Now I spent the last three hours connecting up the electric wires down in the basement.

[E]

Yes, but you got the wires mixed up between the radio and the hot water pump.

[C]

I did?

[F]

Sure.

[E]

I just turned on the radio and hot water come out.

[C]

Hot water came out of the radio. My goodness. Let's see what comes out of the hot water faucet when I turn it on. Stand back. I'll turn the faucet on. Look, something's coming out.

[G]

How do you do? Has anyone seen my husband?

[C]

Carmelita, say hello to John's other wife.

[E]

Good night.

[C]

Lovers of hot water heaters. Sa. It.

[B]

This is the armed forces radio service.

[F]

Sam,

[A]

Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever. With great savings on family favorites this week. 16 ounce sweet strawberries are two for $5 member price. And don't miss the incredible deal on Signature Select. Boneless skinless chicken breast value packs for $2.97 cents per pound limit one plus medium avocados or mangoes are five for $5. Member price. Fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit safewayoralbertsons.deals and ways to save.

[G]

Access to affordable credit helps me pay my employees, but I don't really need it.

[C]

Inflation is killing me, but who cares?

[A]

Big retailers are making record profits. That's why we support the Durbin Marshall credit card bill.

[G]

See banks and credit unions help small businesses make payroll.

[C]

This bill would cut the vital resources

[A]

they need while increasing megastore profits. They deserve it, don't they?

[B]

Tell Congress.

[C]

Stop the Durbin Marshall money grab for corporate megastores paid for by the Electronic Payments Coalition.