Amos & Andy 40-05-19 And The Winner Is

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Amos & Andy - "And The Winner Is" (Original Airdate: May 19, 1940)
Summary Date: January 19, 2026
Theme:
A comedic look at community politics, ambition, and self-interest surrounding a Harlem lodge’s fundraising beauty contest—culminating in a surprise outcome with a classic twist involving guest star Cecil B. DeMille.

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Episode Overview

This episode revolves around Amos, Andy, and their associates as they organize and attempt to rig a women's beauty contest for their Lodge, aiming to score both fundraising success and personal profit. Their plans become complicated by bribes, ego, and clashing interests—then thrown for a loop by the involvement of famed Hollywood director Cecil B. DeMille as the deciding judge. Ultimately, the episode uses wit, misdirection, and a classic punchline to skewer judging standards and backdoor deals.

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Key Discussion Points and Story Segments

1. The Fundraising Scheme

• The Lodge decides to hold a beauty contest to follow up on the recent financial success of their masquerade ball. ([00:49])
• Andy: “Yeah, Fred, we're gonna hold a big beauty contest with the Lodge in back of it.” ([01:19])
• Contest rules are comically exclusive and tailored to disqualify certain women, notably “Madame Queen and the Kingfish’s wife.”
  • Andy: “Rule one, you gotta be a woman. Rule two, you gotta be a woman with $2.” ([02:29])
  • Kingfish: “Well, you know, we gotta draw the line someplace.” ([02:58])

2. The Prize and Entry Shenanigans

• Prize: A "second-handed" silver cup from Honest Joe’s Pawn Shop, featuring leftover inscription “pocket billiard champion of Jersey City, 1912.” ([03:26])
• Contestants asked for entry fees and are judged (not-so-objectively) by Andy and Mr. Van Porter.

3. Bribery Attempts and Shady Deals

• The first bribery attempt: Mr. Washington tries to buy the win for his daughter Thelma, offering Kingfish and Andy $50 and $25, respectively.
  • Kingfish (mock outrage): "The thought of bribery is repulsive to me." ([04:17])
• The men rationalize: if Thelma wins “without bribery involved,” payment is a token of happiness, not a bribe.
• Kingfish (negotiating): “I was just wondering here that if your daughter was to win the contest without no bribery revolved, would you still be willing to hand out 50 bucks as kind of a token of your joy and happiness?” ([04:48])

4. Judging the Contestants: Superficial to Absurd

• Amos and Andy critique the pictures and joke about store-bought beauty.
  • Andy (re Bernice Fletcher): “She ain't got no long eyelashes like that ... You get them over at Barton's Drugstore.” ([06:24])
  • Thelma Washington’s unattractiveness is the running gag.
• Andy and Kingfish debate if anyone else's father would be willing to “feel joy and happiness” for a bribe, underscoring their openly biased standards. ([08:35])

5. More Bribery—This Time With Insurance

• Henry Van Porter gets his own offer: if contestant Henrietta Snow (daughter of Mr. Snow) wins, he is promised a lucrative insurance policy. ([09:54])
• Van Porter (flexibly ethical): “I might add that your daughter has a very good chance of winning the contest.” ([10:06])

6. The Deadlock and The Search for a “Fair” Judge

• Andy votes for Thelma (bribe), Van Porter for Henrietta (insurance sale), and neither will budge.
  • Kingfish: “Gentlemen, it looks like we is in a deadlock.” ([12:10])
• Amos suggests a third, impartial judge. The group speculates and amusingly, Kingfish volunteers himself (“It’s me.”), to which Van Porter objects. ([13:03])

7. Celebrity Intervention: Cecil B. DeMille as Guest Judge

• Amos proposes contacting DeMille through his wife Ruby’s friend, Amelia (DeMille’s cook). ([13:41])
• Comical DeMille office scene: DeMille is depicted as generous but disconnected; his staff gets no raises unless they can cook. ([15:43])
• DeMille, prodded by Amelia, agrees to judge.
  • DeMille (initial reluctance and comedic turn):
    • “Well, I appreciate the honor, but I’m just so busy...” ([16:42])
    • Amelia: “Why, it would be nice if you did it, Mr. DeMille.”
    • DeMille (immediately): “Oh, oh, oh, well, I’d be happy to.” ([16:50])
• Judging criteria become increasingly nonsensical: “5 points for beauty, 5 for personality, 25 for novelty, 50 for vigor, 75 for ruggedness.”
  • DeMille: “Is this going to be a beauty contest or something on the order of the Golden Gloves?” ([17:51])
  • Kingfish: “Any contest with a scoring system such as this could be won by either Hedy Lamar or Boris Karloff.” ([18:06])

8. The Final Vote

• On contest night, DeMille is courted for further bribes: “might be a five spot in it for you.” ([20:26])
• All parties await DeMille’s decision; Kingfish and Van Porter press their own favorites one last time.
• The twist:
  • Cecil B. DeMille (announcing):
    • "After judging carefully all the contestants ... I hereby award the title of Harlem's Beauty Queen to Miss Mildred Forrest." ([22:32])
    • All are shocked; she's considered “even worse looking than Thelma.” ([23:28])

9. The Comic Reveal

• Challenged on his surprising choice, DeMille confesses:
  • “...there’s one thing in this world which a person cherishes and wants to keep ... It was for such a reason that I voted for Mildred Forrest.”
  • “She happens to be the daughter of my cook.” ([24:35])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andy: “Yeah, after all, Fred, the time to milk a cow is when she got milk, you know.” ([01:40])
• Andy (on contest rules): “Rule one, you gotta be a woman. Rule two, you gotta be a woman with $2.” ([02:29])
• Kingfish: “The thought of bribery is repulsive to me.” ([04:17])
• Andy (on Thelma Washington): “I show pity to fella that marries her. With him, every night is going to be Halloween.” ([07:12])
• Kingfish (defending Thelma’s looks): “...take the Rocky Mountains. They got bumps on them, but they're beautiful just the same...”
  • Andy: “I know, but the Rocky Mountains ain't got ears like that.” ([09:03])
• DeMille (mocking contest criteria): “Any contest with a scoring system such as this could be won by either Hedy Lamar or Boris Karloff.” ([18:06])
• DeMille (ultimate reveal): “She happens to be the daughter of my cook.” ([24:35])

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Important Timestamps

• 01:19 — 02:51: Contest rules and purpose comically established
• 03:44 — 06:07: Bribery negotiations begin
• 08:35 — 10:04: Judges (Andy and Van Porter) debate and are influenced by their own “incentives”
• 13:41 — 16:47: Quest for a celebrity judge; DeMille approached and drawn in
• 17:19 — 19:11: Absurd scoring system explained; DeMille lampoons their scheme
• 22:32 — 23:19: DeMille declares the unexpected winner, causing shock
• 24:35: Final punchline: winner picked because she’s DeMille’s cook’s daughter

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Episode Tone and Style

The episode is a vintage radio comedy overflowing with witty banter, running gags, and pointed satire on human nature, bias in judging, and the motives underlying seemingly “fair” contests. Language and jokes reflect broad 1940s radio humor, with recurring ironic self-awareness and showbiz lampooning courtesy of DeMille.

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Summary For New Listeners:

Even without prior context, this episode stands as a sharply written farce about a rigged community contest and the unpredictable consequences when everyone tries to stack the odds in their own favor—only to be outmaneuvered by a guest star’s personal interest. The jokes, comic timing, and closing twist are classic radio-era treasures, and Cecil B. DeMille’s cameo adds Hollywood flair and an extra dash of meta-humor.

Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Amos]

Andy. Andy, come on, let's go.

[Andy]

Wait a minute. What's going on here?

[Announcer]

It's the Amos and Andy Show.

[Amos]

Yes.

[Announcer]

Welcome to the Amos and Andy show with their guest Tonight, Cecil B. DeMille. Brought to you by the makers of Rins. The annual masquerade at the Lodge last week was such a success financially that the boys decided to follow it up with a beauty contest under the sponsorship of the Lodge. Amos, Andy, the Kingfish and Fred Gwindell are in Andy's office discussing it now.

[Andy]

Yeah, Fred, we gonna hold a big beauty contest with the Lodge in back of it.

[Kingfish]

Yeah. And as the contest manager, I can say that we going to make a lot of money on it, too. Well, now, that sound good.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

But ain't it a little soon after the masquerade?

[Kingfish]

Look at the masquerade. Last week we done took in $125. And that shows that the members has got a lot of money.

[Andy]

Yeah. After all, Fred, the time to milk a cow is when she got milk, you know.

[Amos]

You see, the way we going to work this beauty contest is to have the gals pay an entry fee of $2 and then send in photographs of themselves. Andy and Mr. Van Porter is going.

[Kingfish]

To be the judges.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's right. I already got a lot of the pictures here.

[Kingfish]

Say, Andy, how did they happen to.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Pick you for one of the judges?

[Andy]

Well, what's wrong with that? For 30 years, women's has been my specialty.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yeah, Fred, when we was using. Andy, we using skilled labor is.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

You got the rules of the contest worked out yet?

[Amos]

Andy, you said you was gonna work out a set of rules.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, I finished them up this morning.

[Kingfish]

Good.

[Andy]

Yeah, I got them right here. I'll read them to you.

[Kingfish]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Rules of beauty contest. Rule one, you gotta be a woman. Rule two, you gotta be a woman with $2.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yeah, that's the entry fee.

[Andy]

Yeah. Rule three, you gotta weigh less than 184 pounds and be under 38 years old.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Less than 184 under 38.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's to keep out Madam Queen and the Kingfisher's Wife.

[Kingfish]

Well, you know, we gotta draw the line someplace.

[Amos]

Has you fellas decided on a prize for the winner yet?

[Andy]

Oh, sure. We're gonna give her a beautiful silver loving cup with her name scribed on it.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, we got it over at Honest Joe's Pawn Shop. We got it second handed. It had a little scribing already on it there.

[Andy]

Yeah, but we was adding something to it and kind of fixing it up.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, how'd that work out? How's it gonna read again, Andy?

[Andy]

Yeah, I got it written down right here it is.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

Harlem Beauty Queen of 1944 and pocket billiard champion of Jersey City, 1912.

[Kingfish]

Oh, come in, Mr. Wilden, come in. What can I do for you?

[Mr. Washington]

Well, Kingfish, my daughter Thelma's entered in this beauty contest you're running here and I'd like to make sure she wins it.

[Kingfish]

Well, now, look, Mr. Washington, whoever's the most beautiful gal is gonna be the winner. That's all there is to it.

[Mr. Washington]

Well, I'll lay my cards on the table, Kingfish. Andy Brown's gonna be one of the judges, ain't he?

[Kingfish]

That's right.

[Mr. Washington]

You is a good friend of his. He could swing this whole contest. The Kingfish. If my daughter wins, I'll give$50.25 for you and 25 for Andy Brown.

[Kingfish]

Mr. Washington, if I'd understand that you was trying to bribe us, I want you to know here now that this contest is on the level and the thought of bribery is repulsive to me.

[Mr. Washington]

Well, if you ain't interested, I guess I'll be running along.

[Kingfish]

Well, now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't go. Come here. Wait just a minute, Joe. Now, just cause I is against bribery, ain't no reason we can't sit down and just kind of talk.

[Mr. Washington]

Well, what's there to talk about?

[Kingfish]

Well, I was just wondering here that if your daughter was to win the contest without no bribery revolved, would you still be willing to hand out 50 bucks as kind of a token of your joy and happiness?

[Mr. Washington]

Well, look, if my daughter wins a contest, I'll pay you $50.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, you wouldn't want to up your joy and happiness to 75, would you?

[Andy]

Dare?

[Mr. Washington]

No. $50 is my top.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, well, I just asked you, Dale. Tell me, what kind of looking gal is your daughter?

[Mr. Washington]

Has you ever seed my wife?

[Kingfish]

Oh, sure, yeah, seed her many times.

[Mr. Washington]

Well, they say the Thelma's the spitting.

[Kingfish]

Image of a mother Hmm, I see your problem there. Yeah, trying to bring in a long shot, huh?

[Mr. Washington]

Well, put any way you want, but Thelma's in this thing and her mother told me to see that she wins it.

[Kingfish]

Well, now, listen. Everybody got the same chance to win. And if Thelma wins it, it ain't gonna be because of the $50 we is getting. Cause bribery is out. Oh, by the way, how soon after the contest as we get.

[Andy]

I tell you, Amos, I'm getting dizzy looking at the pictures of all these gals in the contest. Tell me this, is they pretty or is I getting old?

[Amos]

Well, there's some pretty gals here. Now, look at this picture here. Now, there's a prettier gal as you ever want to see, Andy.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, Bernice Fletcher, huh? Now, there's something else. I happen to know that gal. And she ain't got no long eyelashes like that. There's the fake kind that you paste on. You get them over at Barton's Drugstore.

[Amos]

Yeah, well, she got nice long hair though, ain't she?

[Andy]

Oh, listen, she ain't got no long hair like that neither. You get that at Barton's Drugstore, too.

[Amos]

Well, she'll make her look pretty all right.

[Andy]

Yeah, but the only thing is, when it comes to voting, it's a question whether to vote for the gal or the drugstore.

[Amos]

Yeah, look at this next one here.

[Kingfish]

I don't think she gonna win.

[Andy]

Yeah, let's see who she is. Oh, yeah, that's George Washington's daughter, Thelma. Amos, I wonder if somebody sent this picture in as a joke.

[Amos]

Well, I guess every woman thinks she's pretty in her own mind and.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, she got a looking glass, ain't she? I show pity to fella that marries her. With him, every night is going to be Halloween.

[Amos]

Yeah, well, now, let's see what's next here.

[Kingfish]

Well, hello there, boys. How is it?

[Andy]

Hello, Kingfish.

[Amos]

Hiya, Kingfish.

[Kingfish]

Say, Amos, I don't like to be unpolite, but I'd like to talk to Andy conferential under his hat, if you don't mind this report.

[Amos]

Oh, that's all right. I gotta go anyway. Well, so long, fellas.

[Andy]

So long, son.

[Kingfish]

Goodbye, Amos.

[Andy]

What you want to see me about, Kingfisher?

[Kingfish]

Brother Andy? Look here, I just been approached by a man that's got a daughter in the contest. Now, he is willing to give me and you 25 a piece if his daughter win the contest. Now, he's.

[Andy]

Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. This contest is on the level. There ain't gonna be no bribery stuff.

[Kingfish]

What you talking about? Of course there ain't gonna be no bribery, Andy. We ain't supposed to be fluenced one way or the other by his money. But just in case his daughter do win, we gets it just as a token of his joy and happiness.

[Andy]

Oh, well, that's different. Say, what's her daughter's name anyway?

[Kingfish]

Thelma Washington.

[Andy]

Oh, her. Well, it looked like her papa's gonna save some money.

[Kingfish]

Is you got her picture there right here.

[Andy]

Here she is right here. See?

[Kingfish]

Uh, oh, the end of the trail.

[Andy]

Kingfish. Ain't there no other papas that might want to give a fifty dollar token of their joy and happiness?

[Kingfish]

Now, wait a minute. Let's not be hasty about this. You know, there's different types of beauty.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, she is definitely a different, different type, all right. There. Look at the bumps on her nose.

[Kingfish]

Well, now, look, Andy, like I say, there's different types of beauty. After all, take the Rocky Mountains. They got bumps on them, but they're beautiful just the same, you know?

[Andy]

I know, but the Rocky Mountains ain't got ears like that.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, it is pretty big, ain't it? But on the other hand, Andy, look at them eyes there. Oh, yeah, they got the same look in them that a papa had when he say he gonna give us $25 a piece if she won't.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, when you get right down to it, she is the most beautiful gal I done ever seen.

[Kingfish]

You know, I tell you what to do. And being that Henry Van Porter is the other judge, why don't you send all these pictures over to him? Then we'll drop over to see him a little later in the afternoon.

[Andy]

Yeah, we gotta make sure that when Henry sees the picture of Thelma, he don't make the same mistake that we made when we first looked at it.

[Mr. Washington]

Well, Henry, do you understand the proposition?

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes, Mr.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Snow.

[Henry Van Porter]

In other words, if your daughter Henrietta wins the beauty contest, you will take out a $10,000 life insurance policy with me.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

That's right.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Henry Van Porter]

What? I think I understand, and I might add that your daughter has a very good chance of winning the contest.

[Mr. Washington]

Okay, we'll see how it goes.

[Henry Van Porter]

By the way, Mr. Snow, when will you take out this policy?

[Mr. Washington]

The day after the contest.

[Henry Van Porter]

I get it. Goodbye, Mr.

[Kingfish]

Snow.

[Henry Van Porter]

Hmm. Henrietta Snow. Let me look through this stack of pictures here.

[Andy]

Come in. Hi, Henry. Hi.

[Kingfish]

Well, hello there, Henry. How are you?

[Henry Van Porter]

Hello, boys. Sit down. I'm glad you dropped in. There's something that just come up that.

[Andy]

I want to speak to you about. Yeah, something we want to speak to you about, too.

[Kingfish]

You know, Henry, about this contest, there's a lot of different ways to judge beauty.

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes, I agree with that.

[Kingfish]

Tell me, Henry, has you ever seen the Rocky Mountains?

[Henry Van Porter]

Well, I see pictures of them.

[Andy]

Yeah. And even more beautiful if they had ears. You got them pictures I sent up here, didn't you, Henry?

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes, and so far, the most beautiful girl in the contest is unquestionably Henrietta Snow.

[Kingfish]

Now, wait a minute. What does he look like?

[Henry Van Porter]

Well, I. Let me look through these pictures here. We'll soon find out.

[Andy]

Yeah. Well, when you come to the picture of Thelma Washington, haul that out, too. Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's Thelma Washington's picture right there.

[Kingfish]

Yeah. Now, as you look at this picture of Thelma, Henry, just kind of look at a little of a face at a time. In other words, I don't want you to sour yourself on it before you sort of get the hang of it.

[Andy]

You see what I'm saying? Here it is right here, Henry.

[Henry Van Porter]

Oh, my goodness. Is you gentlemen serious?

[Kingfish]

I told you to look at it slow, Henry, and not bite off more than you could choose.

[Andy]

Yeah, Henry, this gal's beauty is a different kind of beauty.

[Henry Van Porter]

Well, as a judge in this contest, I can tell you right now that I will Never vote for Ms. Washington. Up till now, it looks like Ms. Snow is obviously the winner.

[Kingfish]

Henry, now, don't jump to no conclusions.

[Andy]

My vote is going to Thelma Washington.

[Kingfish]

Gentlemen, it looks like we is in a deadlock.

[Announcer]

Well, no amount of argument has succeeded in breaking the deadlock between the two judges of the beauty contest, Andy and Henry Van Porter. With the big affair at which the winner will be announced only two days off. The situation is a bit confused, Andy. Amos, the Kingfish and Henry Van Porter are in the office discussing it.

[Amos]

Now, you know, I've been thinking the thing over, fellas, and really I think the only way to solve the thing is to get a third judge to pick the winner.

[Kingfish]

Amos, that ain't a bad idea. Now, in thinking of people that would make a good judge, I got somebody that people believe in. That sound is the Rock of Gibraltar A man that's full of integrity A man that's fair and square from the word go who is it? Who is it? It's me.

[Henry Van Porter]

Knock on your life, Kingfish. I will not stand for.

[Amos]

Well, I had a thought about who the third judge could be. You might think it's kind of reaching for the moon, but there's a chance.

[Andy]

Well, what Is that Amos?

[Amos]

Well, it just so happened that Ruby's got a friend by the name of Amelia that cooks for Mr. Cecil B. DeMille, the big Hollywood moving picture director. And he happens to be in New.

[Kingfish]

York for a while.

[Andy]

Oh, yeah, I was here to him.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, didn't he direct that big picture Reap Gone with the Wild Wind and all that stuff?

[Amos]

Anyway, his cook is coming up to our house tonight and I was thinking that we might speak to her and see if she would ask Mr. DeMille if he would be kind enough to be one of our judges.

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes, the name DeMille in connection with our beauty contest would certainly lend class. Yeah, and I'm sure it would help the ticket sale, which ain't been too promising.

[Kingfish]

Tell you what you do, Amos. That's a good idea. Have your wife's friend amelia speak to Mr. DeMille and see if she can arrange an appointment for me and Andy. We'll go up to see him and explain the whole thing to him. Say tomorrow morning at 11 o' clock in the morning.

[Hardwick]

Oh, good morning, Mr. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Good morning, Hardric.

[Hardwick]

By the way, Mr. DeMille, I've been over the mail. There's nothing of any importance.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Now, that's fortunate, because I've got a script to read.

[Hardwick]

Oh, I did get a telephone call from Gary Cooper. He wants to know the release dates on his picture, the story of Dr. Wassell.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

I'll tell Gary it'll be early in June. And Hardwick, call off all appointments for today.

[Hardwick]

Yes, Mr. DeMille. Oh, there's just one appointment.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Hardwick, please, I don't want to be interrupted today.

[Hardwick]

It's just that the cook wants to see you.

[Kingfish]

The cook?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Good Lord, why have you kept her waiting? Is she complaining or anything?

[Hardwick]

Apparently not. She didn't say what it was.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, give her a raise anyway.

[Hardwick]

But Mr. DeMille, that's the third raise you've given her this week.

[Andy]

Yes.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Do you think it's enough?

[Hardwick]

Yes, I rather think so. You know, Mr. DeMille, I haven't gotten a raise in over a year.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Can you cook?

[Hardwick]

I'll bring her in. Oh, Amelia, Mr. DeMille will see you now.

[Amelia]

Right in. This way, gentlemen. Mr. DeMille, these are the gentlemen I spoke to you about at breakfast this morning.

[Andy]

Huh?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I had forgotten for a moment.

[Amelia]

This is Mr. George Kingfish Stevens. And this is Mr. Brown.

[Andy]

Hello, Mr. DeMille.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yes, how is you? Just in from Hollywood, huh?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Oh, I've been here for a little while.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Kingfish]

Tell me, how is everything back in the Cinnamon City?

[Andy]

Yes, Orchards. To your last picture and all that stuff.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, thank you. Thank you. I understand you boys are running a beauty contest and you want me to be one of the judges.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yeah.

[Andy]

So that's right.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, I appreciate the honor, but I'm just so busy that I don't think I'll quite have time for it.

[Amelia]

Why, it would be nice if you'd do it, Mr. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, well, I'd be happy to.

[Amelia]

Well, now, as long as that's settled, I'll get back to the kitchen and you gentlemen can talk everything over.

[Kingfish]

Thank you very much, Amelia.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Now, just. Just what is it that's expected of me in this contest?

[Andy]

Well, sir, you see, you would be one of the three judges, Mr. DeMille.

[Kingfish]

Yeah. You see, we are going to work the thing on a point system in judging the different gals pictures.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, that's certainly a fair enough way.

[Kingfish]

Yeah. So now we start off by giving five points for beauty. And then we gives five points for personality in the face. Yeah, I see. Then we give 25 points for the novelty of the face.

[Andy]

You see.

[Kingfish]

You know, if it's out of the general run, if it's different. And then we give 50 points for vigor and 75 points for ruggedness.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Perhaps I. Perhaps I misunderstand. Is this going to be a beauty contest or something on the order of the Golden Gloves?

[Andy]

Oh, no, this gonna be a beauty contest, all right. It's just that we is approaching the thing from a new angle.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, it's certainly broad in its scope. Any contest with a scoring system such as this could be won by either Hedy Lamar or Boris Karloff.

[Kingfish]

Yeah. Well, now, here's the pictures of the gals that's going to be in the contest up to now, Mr. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Thank you. I'd like to look at them.

[Andy]

You wear glasses, don't you, Mr. DeMille? You want me to get them for you?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

No, I don't think I need them.

[Kingfish]

Now, this picture on top here is the gal that we favors. This is Ms. Thelma Washington.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Oh, yes. Perhaps I'd better have my glasses. You know, eyes play funny tricks sometimes when you don't have your glasses on.

[Andy]

Well, yeah. Here you is. Here's your glasses, Mr. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Thank you. Now, let me look at this picture again. No, it wasn't my eyes.

[Kingfish]

Yes. I wouldn't use no snap judgment on thelma Weissen here, Mr. DeMille. Beauty all depends on how you look at it.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, let me look at some of these other pictures you have here. Say, this one's very attractive. What's her name?

[Kingfish]

Henrietta Snow. Oh, matter of fact, that's the gal that the other judge, Mr. Van Porter, is kind of leaning to.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, with only five points for beauty, she may be severely handicapped. She seems to lack the novelty and ruggedness of Thelma Washington. Yeah, she certainly is pretty, though.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, she fairly pretty, all right, but in sort of an out of date way. You see. Now, look at them dimples there. Why, Dimples went out with buttoned shoes.

[Andy]

Yeah, that's right, they did.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, as I understand it, Mr. Van Porter believes that a beautiful girl ought to be beautiful.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, a crazy man.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Mr. Brown, on the other hand, seems to favor the type of face that requires a lot of explaining.

[Kingfish]

Well, anyway, that's the whole situation, Mr. DeMille. It looks like Henry Van Porter is going to vote for Ms. Snow. And Mr. Brown here is in Thelma Washington's corner. Now, use your own conscience, but kind of use these two votes to guide it. And then the night after tomorrow, you gets up on the platform at the Lodge hall and your vote is the one that counts. You announces the winner from the platform.

[Andy]

Oh, yes, sir. And your cook, Amelia, will show you where the Lodge hall is.

[Kingfish]

Yes. No. By the way, Mr. DeMille, I think you ought to know that Thelma Washington's papa is a very generous man. And if his daughter should win, there might be a five spot in it for you.

[Amos]

Well, it was sure nice of you to come up to our lodge, Mr. DeMille, and meet our committee and do this for us.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Oh, that's all right. I'm very happy to do it.

[Amos]

Yes. Sure was lucky that we know Amelia so she could ask you about it.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, there's very little I wouldn't do for Amelia. Oh, Hardwick.

[Hardwick]

Yes, Mr. DeMille?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Remind me to give Amelia another raise when we get home.

[Kingfish]

Well, there is, Mr. DeMille. It won't be long now. Matter of fact, they're going out on the stairs now and start to make your introduction speech. Then you gets up there and announces who the winner is.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

And I present the cup.

[Kingfish]

Yes. By the way, one thing. Pardon me. You know Mr. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Yeah, I know. I know Thelma Washington.

[Kingfish]

Yes. Don't forget about the fire spot. Well, I'll get on out on the stage now and start introducing you.

[Amos]

Oh, boy, that sure is a lot of excitement around here tonight, Mr. Mill.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Yes. Yeah, this is a big night for everybody.

[Henry Van Porter]

Oh, Mr. DeMille, I've been looking all over for you.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

How are you, Mr. Van Porter?

[Henry Van Porter]

Pardon me, Amos. Mr. DeMille, there's just one thing. I'm in the insurance business.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Yes, yes, I know, I know. Henrietta Snow.

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes, yes, and remember that.

[Mr. Washington]

Excuse me, Mr. DeMille, would you please come out on the platform now?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Yes, coming out.

[Amos]

Well, good luck to you, Mr. DeMille.

[Kingfish]

And so it gives me great pleasure and pride to welcome our extinguished guest, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Mr. DeMille, as final judge in the contest, will announce the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Thank you. Thank you. I know you're not here to listen to any speeches. You all want to know who is the winner of this contest, so I'll get right to the point. After judging carefully all the contestants, I found it very difficult to make a decision. Because there are so many whose beauty certainly entitles them to a prize. However, I'm only allowed to choose one. Therefore, I hereby award the title of Harlem's Beauty Queen to Miss Mildred Forrest.

[Kingfish]

Well, how in the world could he have picked her?

[Henry Van Porter]

Gentlemen, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

[Kingfish]

Oh, wait a minute. Here come Mr. DeMille now. I think he's through signing them order giraffes over there.

[Andy]

Yeah, I can't understand it, Kingfish. Mildred Forrest. She's even worse looking than Thelma.

[Henry Van Porter]

Henrietta Snow ought have been the winner.

[Kingfish]

Oh, what you talking about, Henry? Thelma Washington oughta got the thing.

[Andy]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mr. DeMille. Excuse me, sir. Can we see you over here, please, sir?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

What is it, boys?

[Kingfish]

Mr. Mill, we are shocked by your decision. That's what we is.

[Henry Van Porter]

Yes. I don't understand it at all.

[Andy]

Tell me this. How did you happen to pick Mildred Forest? Mr. Deville?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

It's this way, boys. You other two judges had your reasons for picking Henrietta Snow and thelma Washington. You, Mr. VanPorter, I know that selling insurance is uppermost in your mind. And you, Mr. Brown. I guess the almighty dollar is every bit as important to you. Well, I had a reason for voting the way I did. You know, there's one thing in this world which a person cherishes and wants to keep. A thing which today we value even more than money. And which we'll do anything to protect. It was for such a reason that I voted for Mildred Forrest.

[Kingfish]

Yeah?

[Andy]

Well, what is the reason, Mr. DeMille?

[Cecil B. DeMille]

He happens to be the daughter of my cook.

[Announcer]

Be sure to tune in next Friday night at this same time for another half hour of fun with Amos and Andy. When Andy has to hide from a 6 foot 4 sailor for 30 days. Our thanks to Cecil B. DeMille for appearing with us tonight. His latest production, the Paramount Picture, the story of Dr. Wassell. Will have its Hollywood premiere early in June. And here's a tip. Listen for Betty Grable, Dick Powell and Carmen Miranda. A great combination all together. In next Monday night's Lux Radio Theatre presentation. Springtime in the Rockies. With Cecil B. DeMille, of course. That's Lux Radio Theatre. Next Monday night. See your local paper for time and station. This is Harlow Wilcox. And before I say good night, just one more thing. This is no time to relax about saving fats. Now, they're more urgently needed than ever. For the precious sulfur drugs that will save lives. For ammunition that will bring us to victory sooner. Every drop, no matter how dark, is needed. You'll get paid. And you'll get two red points for every pound you turn in. Thank you and good night.