Amos & Andy - Andy's New Wife

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Amos & Andy – Andy's New Wife"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Air Date: March 26, 2026
Episode: Amos & Andy – Andy's New Wife
Notable Guest: Charles Coburn

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Overview

In this classic radio sitcom episode, Amos & Andy, two of radio’s most famous comedic characters, navigate a web of mistaken identity and escalating complications. The central crisis revolves around Andy’s attempt to convince his visiting Uncle Edgar that he is a responsible, married man worthy of being included in the family will. Hilarity ensues as Andy, aided by his friend Kingfish, weaves an increasingly tangled web of lies—and hires an actress to play his "wife"—only for the ruse to backfire in ways no one expects.

This episode is significant as it marks Amos & Andy’s first broadcast in front of a live audience, expanding to a full half-hour format and featuring a special guest star, Charles Coburn.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Inheritance Dilemma (02:19–04:27)

• Andy’s Predicament: Andy shares with Kingfish and Henry Van Porter that his Uncle Edgar is coming to visit. Some months prior, Andy lied in a letter, claiming he was married and settled, in hopes of being re-added to his uncle’s will.
  • "About six months ago I discovered that this uncle of mine that's coming up here tomorrow done cut me out of his will." (02:39 – Andy)
• The Complication: Uncle Edgar is not only coming to verify Andy’s story in person, but also expects to meet Andy’s wife and stay at his supposed six-room apartment.

2. The Search for a Fake Wife & Apartment (04:27–08:16)

• “Whistling for a Wife”: Kingfish jokes about finding a wife in a hurry.
  • "When you was whistling for a wife on short notice, you can't be too particular... you gotta take the first moose that comes along." (04:53 – Kingfish)
• Borrowed Residence: They realize Amos’s apartment will be empty for the weekend, and Andy volunteers to house-sit, planning to use it as his own.
• Kingfish’s Intentions: Andy suspects Kingfish is only helping in anticipation of sharing in Andy’s potential inheritance.
  • "By any chance is you helping me cause you figured I might get some money from the will?" (07:44 – Andy)
  • "Oh, don't be silly, Andy... at the same time I know that if anything should happen to your dear uncle. Well, I just know that in time of grief you'll want to share your good fortune with your friends." (07:53 – Kingfish)

3. Uncle Edgar’s Arrival & The Web of Lies (09:05–13:08)

• Meeting Uncle Edgar: Andy and Kingfish greet the uncle, immediately encountering trouble when Uncle Edgar asks for Andy’s wife Lucy.
  • "But Andy, where is the little woman?" (09:25 – Uncle Edgar)
  • "Oh, my wife. Yeah. Well, Lucy done went over to Pennsylvania to see her mother." (09:37 – Andy)
• Suspicious Questions: Uncle Edgar notices children’s toys and a male’s photo inscribed to Amos' wife, which Andy awkwardly explains.
  • "Well, that's. That's my wife's first husband. Yeah." (11:48 – Andy)
• A Complication Escalates: Uncle Edgar announces he’ll stay for two weeks instead of a weekend, adding more pressure to Andy’s scheme.
  • "I think I'll change my plans and stay here a couple of weeks." (12:32 – Uncle Edgar)

4. The Doctor Plot – A Comedy of Errors (14:28–22:12)

• Seeking “Professional” Help: The friends hatch a plan to persuade Uncle Edgar that he needs to return home immediately. They decide to pay a doctor to tell Edgar the northern climate is bad for his health.
• Vet Mishap: They mistakenly enlist Dr. Charles Coburn, a veterinarian, who agrees (for a bribe) to convince Uncle Edgar he has "northernitis."
  • "The medical term is northernitis, Doctor." (20:10 – Dr. Coburn, jokingly playing along)
  • "Anytime within the next hour." (21:06 – Dr. Coburn, prescribing immediate departure)
  • The comedic misunderstanding about human vs. animal patients is a highlight here.
• Uncle Edgar’s Refusal: Even after the ruse, Uncle Edgar refuses to leave until he meets Andy’s wife.

5. Hiring a Fake Wife (22:12–24:45)

• The Actress “Lucy”: Andy hires a theatrical actress to pose as his wife, paying her $3.
  • "Yes, I supposed to play the part of a man's wife. And you gonna pay me $3 for it." (22:27 – Lucy)
• Uncle Edgar is Suspicious: When introduced, Edgar catches inconsistencies in their stories about how long they’ve been married, and notes the actress refers to Andy as "Mr. Brown," which seems oddly formal.
  • "After being married six months, you don't make your wife call you Mr. Brown, do you?" (23:37 – Uncle Edgar)
• Amos Returns Home Early: Amos unexpectedly returns, nearly exposing Andy’s deception further.

6. Resolution: The Truth & A Final Twist (25:11–27:42)

• Confession Time: Andy, persuaded by Amos, decides to come clean.
  • "Well, Uncle Edgar, I'm going to confess something to you. This ain't my apartment. And Lucy ain't my wife. The only reason that I done told you all this was so I could stay in your will." (26:10 – Andy)
• The Ultimate Irony: Uncle Edgar reveals he discovered the truth early on, spent the day with Lucy, and intends to marry the actress himself.
  • "You speaking of my future wife?... We getting mad right away and leaving on the first train for Georgie." (26:34 and 26:41 – Uncle Edgar)
• Memorable Tag: Andy, still worried about the $3 fee, wonders who owes Lucy the money now that she's marrying his uncle.
  • "Now that Lucy's going to be my aunt instead of my wife. Does I have to pay her the $3 or does you pay her?" (27:15 – Andy)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Desperate Measures:
  Kingfish: "When you was whistling for a wife on short notice, you can't be too particular. Like when you go up to the north woods hunting for moose..." (04:53)

• On Inheritance Motives:
  Andy: "By any chance is you helping me cause you figured I might get some money from the will?" (07:44)

• Doctor Misunderstanding:
  Dr. Coburn: “A dog is a dog. And if I can help him, I'll be very happy to do so.” (17:19)

• Ruse Backfires:
  Uncle Edgar: “You speaking of my future wife?” (26:34)

• Finest Punchline:
  Andy: “Now that loose is going to be my aunt instead of my wife. Does I have to pay her the $3 or does you pay her?” (27:15)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:19] – Introduction of the inheritance problem to Kingfish.
• [04:27] – Kingfish’s plan for acquiring an apartment and wife.
• [09:05] – Uncle Edgar arrives; lies begin to pile up.
• [14:28] – The scheme to get a doctor’s help.
• [17:33] – The veterinarian mix-up.
• [20:10] – “Northernitis” diagnosis.
• [22:27] – Introduction of actress “Lucy”.
• [23:37] – Uncle Edgar’s suspicions about the marriage.
• [25:11] – Andy’s confession and the story’s unraveling.
• [26:41] – Uncle Edgar announces he’s marrying Lucy.
• [27:15] – Andy’s final quip about payment.

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Tone & Language

The tone throughout is classic radio situational comedy—bouncy, fast-paced, and full of snappy, character-driven humor. The dialogue is loaded with punchlines and playful banter, especially in the exchanges between Andy, Kingfish, and Uncle Edgar. The farcical escalation and wordplay add to the energy.

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Final Thoughts

This episode demonstrates why Amos & Andy was a staple of radio’s Golden Age: a farcical setup, fast-talking characters, escalating shenanigans, and a punchline twist. Special guest Charles Coburn adds an extra layer of fun with his wry delivery as the veterinarian mistakenly caught in the mix. The show also serves as a time capsule, with its unique language, period sensibilities, and structure.

Recommended for fans of classic radio-comedy and anyone interested in the roots of American comedic storytelling.

Transcript

[Uncle Edgar]

Get that Amex gold cart ready.

[Andy]

I'm way too tired to cook tonight.

[Amex Gold Card Promoter]

You read my mind. With the gold cart, we can get up to $120 a year in statement credits. Are you feeling the Cheesecake Factory? Five guys. Either of those sound good?

[Uncle Edgar]

Yes.

[Amex Gold Card Promoter]

Which one? Both pay with the gold card to receive up to $10 a month in statement credits at participating partners uncover more ways to reward [e-mail] Explore Gold enrollment required terms apply.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The makers of the new Rinseau bring you the Amos and Andy show with their guest tonight, Mr. Charles Coburn. There's plenty of excitement around tonight because radio history is being made. The new Rinso presents the new Amos and Andy show. Yes, everything brand new. New in the fact that Amos and Andy are doing for the first time a half hour show. New in that Amos and Andy are playing before an audience, also for the first time. And new in that each week there will be a famous guest tonight, Mr. Charles Coburn, whom you have seen in the more the Merrier and Heaven Can Wait. And there's plenty of news about Rinseau too. Try it yourself. I'm sure you'll agree it's absolutely tops. That it's soapy rich suds get out more dirt. That in short, it's the ideal soap for wash day, for dishes and for all the soap and water jobs around the house. Yes, try Rinsoe. I know you'll join the vast army of women who whistle while they wash. And now the new soapy rich Rinsoe presents the new Amos and Andy. Well, there's an old saying that no news is good news. That must be true because Andy got news and it's bad. The news is in the form of a letter which Andy is discussing with the kingfish and Henry Van Porter in his office.

[Kingfish]

Now.

[Andy]

Boy, is I really in a mess here.

[Kingfish]

Brother Andy, he acts like he's bad off.

[Andy]

Well, to tell you the truth, Andy, I can't see what is such bad news about a relative coming to visit you from the south.

[Kingfish]

Listen, Henry, a relative is bad news no matter what direction it come from.

[Andy]

Listen here, fellows, I ain't told you this, but here's the jam I was in. About six months ago I discovered that this uncle of mine that's coming up here tomorrow done cut me out of his will.

[Kingfish]

Oh, I didn't know that. Now there's a serious thing.

[Andy]

Yeah, and I found out that the reason he done cut me out is cause he thinks I is undisresponsible. You see, boys, My uncle always wanted me to get married and settle down. Well, tell me this Andy. What has all this got to do with the letter you received from him? Well, I always been kind of superstitious about being left out of will. So about six months ago I done writ my uncle Edgar. Told him I got married, settled down and I was living in a nice six room apartment.

[Kingfish]

Oh, I beginning to get it now.

[Andy]

So he's gonna arrive in New York tomorrow morning on the nine o' clock train. But the main reason he coming up here is to see some New York doctor specialist about his health. And he gonna stay here till Monday. Mm.

[Kingfish]

Tell me this Andy. After you done rich uncle that you got married and settled down, do you know if he put you back in the wilderness?

[Andy]

Oh, sho. He slapped me right back in there.

[Kingfish]

You mean on the regular dotted line and ink not just out in the margin of pencil.

[Andy]

Listen, you are right in the middle of the thing between them whereases and wherefores and all that stuff.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, that's the players to be. If you can worm your way in there, there's the players on.

[Andy]

Well, Andy, it looks like you've got a lot to lose all right. Yeah, but I ain't told you the biggest headache though. My uncle say in the letter that he is planning on staying with me in my six room apartment. And then he say that that'll give him a chance to become acquainted with my dear little wife.

[Kingfish]

When is your uncle coming up here?

[Andy]

Saturday. Why that's tomorrow.

[Kingfish]

Wait a minute, Andy, you could be married by tomorrow.

[Andy]

Yeah, I could be. Wait a minute. Yeah. How was I going to meet a gal that quick?

[Kingfish]

Oh, just stand on the corner and keep whistling.

[Andy]

Now just a minute my friends. That sounds a bit hasty. After all, the type of girl that Andy might get from a whistle might not be the type he'd want for the mother of his children.

[Kingfish]

Now look here, Henry. When you was whistling for a wife on short notice, you can't be too particular. Like when you go up to the north woods hunting for moose and you give up with the moose call, you can't be fussy. You gotta take the first moose that comes along.

[Andy]

Yeah, kingfish. But you gotta be a little more particular about a wife. After all, if you don't like a moose, you can shoot it. Anyhow, even if I did get a wife, where was I gonna get a six room partner?

[Kingfish]

Yeah, you in the pickleman already and I don't know. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I did hit me in the head.

[Andy]

Yeah, just went in this ear here.

[Kingfish]

Look at Emil and his family is going away for the weekend. They won't be back till Monday night.

[Uncle Edgar]

You hill partner.

[Andy]

Yes, but what about the wife that Andy's supposed to have?

[Kingfish]

Well, just tell your uncle that she out of town visiting kinfolks.

[Andy]

That sounds good but. Well, Amos, let me do that.

[Kingfish]

Well now look here, don't tell him what you're doing. Just tell him that you will stay in the apartment over the weekend as sort of a caretaker.

[Andy]

Come on, Kingfish, let me and you go over to see Amos. So you're going away for the weekend, Amos? Sure hope you have a nice time.

[Amos]

Yeah, well, thank you very much.

[Kingfish]

Tell me Amos, who is you leaving in charge of department?

[Amos]

Well, I ain't figuring on having nobody here.

[Kingfish]

How about burglars?

[Amos]

Yeah, well I went away before and I just locked the place and nothing was stole.

[Kingfish]

Oh, maybe the burglars didn't get around to you yet.

[Andy]

Yeah, I guess they shorthanded just like everybody else.

[Amos]

But you see fellas.

[Kingfish]

Emil, look here, these burglars work a thing in Alphabet order. Now you just lucky cause your name is Jones. They ain't got down to you yet. Andy, is you here where the burglars is down to now?

[Andy]

Oh yeah, I heard they was just finishing the letter before J. Whatever that is.

[Kingfish]

Seems to me I hear that too. They was working on the oars. I remember that.

[Amos]

Tell you the truth fellas, it might not be a bad idea somebody stay in department while we is away. But I just wouldn't know who to get.

[Andy]

Well, Amos, I is your pal and I'll help you out.

[Kingfish]

Would you do it, Ander?

[Andy]

Yeah, I'll do it.

[Amos]

Oh, gee, that's nice of you. And we is going to leave at 9:00 tomorrow morning. So you can come in anytime after 9.

[Andy]

Okay, as a deal, I'll check in right after 9:00'.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Clock.

[Andy]

So long. Be sure and get out on time.

[Kingfish]

Too long, Emil.

[Amos]

So long fellas. I'll be back Monday night. See you then.

[Kingfish]

Well, Andy, this is a great break for us. All right.

[Andy]

Wait a minute. There you go with that us stuff. Kingfish, by any chance is you helping me cause you figured I might get some money from the will?

[Kingfish]

Oh, don't be silly, Andy. Never entered my mind. Cause at the same time I know that if anything should happen to your dear uncle. Well, I just know that in time of grief you'll want to share your good fortune with your friends.

[Uncle Edgar]

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[Liberty Mutual Insurance Spokesperson]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Liberty Mutual Insurance Partner]

Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Insurance Spokesperson]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Liberty Mutual Insurance Partner]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways.

[Liberty Mutual Insurance Spokesperson]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[Liberty Mutual Insurance Partner]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Andy]

Well, Uncle Edgar, your train was right on time. And it sure is nice to see you.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, we sure glad to see you, Uncle Edgar. You don't mind if I call you Uncle Edgar too, do you? And been telling me so much about you, I kind of feel like I was a close relation to yours.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, that. That's very fine.

[Kingfish]

Tell me, Uncle Edgar, how are things down south? You know, the cotton crop, wills and all that stuff?

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, everything's fine. Certainly wasn't nice you boys to come down, meet me at the train here. But Andy, where is the little woman?

[Andy]

Who?

[Uncle Edgar]

The little woman. Your wife.

[Andy]

Oh. Oh, my wife. Yeah. Well, Lucy done went over to Pennsylvania to see her mother.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, that's exactly where she went. You see, Uncle Edgar, when you was that little woman, Annie didn't know who you meant. Cause Lucy as big as a horse.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, I'm certainly anxious to meet her. She's gonna be back before I leave, ain't she?

[Andy]

Well, I hope so, Uncle Edgar.

[Uncle Edgar]

But do you think we better get out this station here?

[Kingfish]

Yeah, you're right. I got a boy right here, Uncle Edgar. Take care of your suitcases. Hey, Lightning, come over here.

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, I can handle the suitcases all right.

[Amos]

Did you want me?

[Kingfish]

Now, these are the suitcases. Deliver them to the apartment like I told you, Lightning.

[Andy]

And by the way, Lightning, this is my Uncle Edgar. This is Lightning.

[Uncle Edgar]

Young man, I'm glad to meet you.

[Amos]

Pleased to meet you, Uncle Edgar.

[Kingfish]

Are you the man that got the will, ain't you?

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, what's that again?

[Kingfish]

Get on with them bags. Don't worry, Uncle Edgar. Everything get away from here. Lightning, what is.

[Andy]

Well, Uncle Edgar, how do you feel after taking a shower and changing your clothes?

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, I feel a lot better, Andy.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, Sit down there in that stuffed over chair and take it easy, Uncle Edgar.

[Uncle Edgar]

Say, Andy, you and Your wife is the only ones that live in this apartment here, ain't you?

[Andy]

Yes, Uncle Edgar. This is our own little love nest. Just the two of us, me and her.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, what is all them toys there in the closet of my room?

[Andy]

What toys?

[Uncle Edgar]

You mean you don't know what toys is back there?

[Andy]

Well. Well, you see, I played with so many toys, I didn't know which ones you meant.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, there's some dolls back there too.

[Andy]

Oh, don't be silly, Uncle Edgar. I ain't played with dolls for over a year.

[Uncle Edgar]

Say, Andy, who is the picture of this man here on the table?

[Andy]

Which picture?

[Uncle Edgar]

You mean the only picture that's there?

[Andy]

Oh. Oh, that one.

[Kingfish]

Don't look at me. It's Bennett, Uncle Edgar.

[Uncle Edgar]

I see. It's inscribed on there. To my loving wife, from Amos.

[Andy]

Oh, that. Oh, yeah. Well, that's. That's my wife's first husband. Yeah.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, what in the world do you have to have his picture around here?

[Andy]

Well, I tell you, Uncle Edgar, it keeps reminding my wife of him and makes her appreciate me more.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, that's right, Uncle Edgar. That's certainly right. You know, Uncle Edgar, there's nothing like holding a first husband over a wife's head. Oh.

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, by the way, Andy, you know, I want to see one of these New York doctors. You might ask around of your friends and see if they know a good one.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah, but you take it easy, Uncle Edgar, and enjoy yourself for the weekend here.

[Uncle Edgar]

I'm gonna tell you, Andy, you sure got a nice place here. And I was just thinking, I don't have to break my neck to get back home. You fellas has been so nice to me. I think I'll change my plans and stay here a couple of weeks.

[Andy]

A couple of weeks?

[Uncle Edgar]

Yeah, I know that would make you happy.

[Kingfish]

What's the matter, boys? You have made us so happy that we are speechless.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, folks, remember I said this would be a new kind of show for Amos and Andy. And I hope you're having as good a time as the folks here are having. Now, I mentioned a little earlier that millions of women these days are whistling while they wash. And the notes they're whistling are. That stands for Rinso White. Three little notes that have been making Wash Day history. Yes, Rinso has taken the drudgery out of Wash Day. Those soapy, rich suds have made it possible for women to turn out a dazzling white, bright wash without hard scrubbing or boiling simply by soaking clothes clean. A few quick finger rubs on badly soiled places and clothes Are ready to rinse. Yes, new rinse o gets out more dirt. And women are whistling while they wash dishes too in Rinso suds. It makes the job so speedy. And that goes for washing floors, windows, tiles and so forth. So tomorrow get Rinso, then you'll whistle and you'll see how much easier life can be. Now back to Amos and Andy and their guest tonight, Charles Coburn. Well, Uncle Edgar certainly threw a monkey wrench in the machinery when he announced that he had decided to stay two weeks. Andy and the kingfish are plenty worried.

[Andy]

King fish, we is really in a mess now. Amos coming home Monday and Uncle Eddie say he gonna be here for two weeks.

[Kingfish]

Andy, listen, I got an idea. Look here. When your uncle wakes up from the nap he's taking, we'll take him up the doctor's row. You know, that's where the alley lawyer

[Andy]

has got his offer. Oh, yeah?

[Kingfish]

Yeah. I think up around there we'll find a doctor that will see eye to eye with us.

[Andy]

Yeah, but we want to get a big doctor with a good reputation to examine my uncle.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, well, we'll get a good one all right. But I think that for a small extra charge we can get a doctor to tell Uncle Edgar that this climate up north here is bad for his health and that he has got to get right back down south now. At once.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, how is we gonna work it?

[Kingfish]

We'll leave Uncle Edgar out in the waiting room at the doctor's office and we'll go in the doctor's private office and talk to him first.

[Andy]

Oh, I think I see what you're doing.

[Lucy]

Hello, is this Dr. Charles Copen, the veterinarian?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

That's right. I'm the veterinarian.

[Lucy]

This is Mrs. Stanley Watson. I called up to find out how my cocker spaniel was coming along.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

He's doing nicely, Mrs. Watson. His front paw is still a little sore, but we ought to have have him out of here in a few days.

[Lucy]

Oh, thank you very much, doctor. Goodbye.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Come in.

[Andy]

Excuse us, but is you Dr. Charles Coburn?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

That's right.

[Kingfish]

Good.

[Andy]

Yeah. Well, we seed your name on the door outside and we're looking for a doctor.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Tell me, do you have the patient with you?

[Andy]

He's out in the waiting room. Yes, we want to talk to you first.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Is he chained up?

[Kingfish]

Chained up? Oh, no, he ain't dangerous.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Well, why don't you bring him in the office here?

[Andy]

Well, that's what we want to tell you. You see, Doctor, we don't want him to hear what we Gonna tell you.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

You don't want him to hear. That's pretty good. I've heard some of them are very clever. But I've never heard of one that could understand medical terms.

[Kingfish]

Well, the truth is he ain't been feeling well lately. And he asked us to take him

[Andy]

to a doctor, you see.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Before we go any further, gentlemen, are you sure that you are feeling all right?

[Andy]

Oh, sure. Yes, sir. We feel all right.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Well, tell me exactly what's wrong with the patient. I'm a busy man.

[Kingfish]

Well, Doctor, to tell you the truth, we don't know exactly what's wrong with him.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Well, the only thing to do then is to strap him here on this table. And I'll give him a thorough examination.

[Andy]

Strap him? I don't think he gonna like that.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Oh, that's all right. We'll put a muzzle on him.

[Kingfish]

Now, wait a minute. We can go just so far with him, you know.

[Andy]

Yeah, yeah. We can't make him mad. Cause he's worth a lot of money.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Now, listen to me. A dog is a dog. And if I can help him, I'll be very happy to do so.

[Andy]

Excuse me for protruding, Doctor, but my right ear been giving me a little trouble here lately. Did you say dog?

[Kingfish]

Is you a dog, Doctor, by any chance?

[Andy]

Certainly. What do you think? Well, I didn't know what to think when you say you're gonna put a muzzle on my uncle.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Oh, your uncle is out there.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

I see. You thought I was a regular MD No, I take care of dogs, cats, horses, all kinds of animals. I've got a little hospital out here in the back.

[Kingfish]

Oh, well, now, Doctor, as long as we are here, maybe you could help us out anyhow.

[Andy]

Yes, yes. What we'd like you do to. To do in your professional capacity. Well, taint exactly wrong. Tastes like the right kind.

[Kingfish]

In between and being in between. We willing to pay you extra for it.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Gentlemen, if you think that I, as a respected member of the medical profession, would do even one small thing to jeopardize my fine reputation and standing in this community, if you think that I would stoop to a thing of this kind. If you think that I would do anything contrary to my standards in exchange for what amounts to little more than a bribe, then you've come to the right place.

[Andy]

Yeah, man, that's great. That's great.

[Kingfish]

Great.

[Andy]

Now, look at here. Here's what we want you to do.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

We.

[Andy]

We. We want you to convince my uncle that this northern climate is bad for him. And even one more day of it might Be fatal. And he has got to go right back down south. Yeah.

[Kingfish]

So we don't care what you tell him. We just want to make sure that he leaves town by tonight.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

It's as good as done, my friends. But in our haste, let us not forget the cash. $10.

[Andy]

Oh, yes, it is.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

You might put it in that drawer right there. I don't touch money like that.

[Andy]

Okay, Doc. Okay. I'll have my uncle come right in.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, get him. Wait a minute.

[Andy]

Hide them dog biscuits over there on the table. Okay. Uncle Edgar, come on in. The doctor's ready for you. This is the famous specialist that I done told you about.

[Uncle Edgar]

How do you do, Doctor?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

How do you do? If you sit right down here. Open your mouth. Mm. Now, tell me, how have you been feeling?

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, frankly, this afternoon I've been feeling pretty well.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

That's a bad symptom. Yes, that's the trouble with your particular ailment. You always feel better first.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, what is it that's wrong with me, Doctor?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Well, the medical term is northernitis, Doctor.

[Andy]

No, anything but that.

[Kingfish]

Yes, I'm sorry to hear that, Doctor.

[Uncle Edgar]

Now, doctor, just what is this northernitis?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Well, you come to me as a patient, and I guess it's my duty to tell you the truth. Northernitis is a condition that is brought on by an atmospheric change, a change of pressure that crushes the cells of the nervous system naturally.

[Kingfish]

Yeah,

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

that's what makes you feel like you do now.

[Uncle Edgar]

But I feel very good now.

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Oh, that's nothing that will go away.

[Andy]

Well, tell us this, Doctor. What is the cure for this night?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

Your uncle must go back down South. Of course, there's no real hurry about it. Nothing to get alarmed about, Doctor, but

[Uncle Edgar]

when do you think I should leave for the South?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

No, there's no tremendous rush about it. Anytime within the next hour.

[Andy]

Yeah, well, we better leave right away, Uncle Edgar, before you start foaming at the mouth.

[Kingfish]

Come on.

[Andy]

We go right down to depot and get your ticket.

[Uncle Edgar]

Do you mean to say that.

[Andy]

Yeah. Come on, Uncle Edgar, let's get out of here.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, we ain't got no time to waste. Well, so long, Doctor.

[Uncle Edgar]

What was that?

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

That's one of my patients.

[Uncle Edgar]

I mean, one of your patients

[Dr. Charles Coburn (Veterinarian)]

got a nasty cough, hasn't he? Goodbye, boy.

[Andy]

Well, Uncle Edgar, you as done got the best medical advice you could have got in the whole city.

[Kingfish]

Oh, there ain't no two ways about it.

[Andy]

He's a great doctor.

[Uncle Edgar]

Yeah, he seemed to be a very good doctor.

[Kingfish]

And I'm going to take his advice

[Uncle Edgar]

and return to the South. But there's one thing, Andy.

[Andy]

What's that?

[Uncle Edgar]

I made up my mind not to leave town here until I've met your dear little wife.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Kingfish]

Now, did the theatrical agency tell you exactly what you were supposed to do?

[Lucy]

Yes, I supposed to play the part of a man's wife. And you gonna pay me $3 for it.

[Andy]

Right? You is gonna play that. You as my wife, Lucy. Now, the main thing is to try to do as little talking as you can so you ain't gonna get yourself caught in no booby trap.

[Lucy]

Yes.

[Kingfish]

Yeah, I think we is all set now, Andy.

[Andy]

Okay, Uncle Edgar, Lucy is back.

[Kingfish]

Now, remember everything we told you, Lucy.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, well, well. So this is Lucy.

[Lucy]

Yes, sir. Lucy, I was married to this gentleman here.

[Uncle Edgar]

Yes, I know. Yeah, I know that. But tell me this, Lucy. How long has you been married?

[Lucy]

Well, we've been married exactly one year.

[Uncle Edgar]

Wait a minute. It seems to me you said something to me, Andy, about being married six months.

[Lucy]

I thought it was about a year.

[Andy]

Well, you see, Uncle Edgar, the time passes fast for me and slow for her. Well, Uncle Edgar, you done seen Lucy now. Guess we better shoot right down to depot, huh?

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, I haven't had a chance to get acquainted with Lucy yet.

[Lucy]

That's right. Don't rush us, Mr. Brown.

[Uncle Edgar]

Mr. Brown. And after being married six months, you don't make your wife call you Mr. Brown, do you?

[Andy]

Well, I tell you, Uncle Edgar, till I've been married a year, I demands respect.

[Kingfish]

Oh, yeah, you gotta keep these women in the place all right.

[Andy]

Yeah, I'll tell you, Uncle Edgar.

[Kingfish]

Oh.

[Amos]

Oh, well, how is you, Diana? Say, what is going on here?

[Andy]

Amos, you ain't supposed to be back here till tomorrow.

[Amos]

Yeah, well, I got a chance to ride down with some people and I thought I'd do it. I'd like to meet your friends here, Hind.

[Kingfish]

Go ahead, Amos, introduce him. Mess him up there.

[Andy]

Yeah, but. Yeah, well, now, my name was. This is my Uncle Edgar here.

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, how do you do?

[Amos]

Yeah, pleased to meet you. My name is Jones.

[Andy]

Yeah, and now this is. Well, that's my Uncle Edgar right there. Uncle Edgar.

[Amos]

I ain't met that girl yet. Aunt.

[Lucy]

My name is Lucy. I's the wife of this gentleman here. I think his name is Andy.

[Amos]

Why, Andy, you didn't tell me.

[Andy]

Yeah, no, Amos, I know it, but. But look here, there's something I do want to tell you right now. Come on, Amos. You too, Kingfish. Let's go out someplace so we can talk. Uncle Edgar, you stay here and this will give you a chance to get better acquainted with Luc. So, Amos, that's the whole story in a nutshell.

[Kingfish]

Yes, Amos. The only reason that Ann had done it was so that his uncle would keep him in his will.

[Amos]

That's some story you got there, all right. You certainly can't get yourself messed up and.

[Andy]

Yeah, what is I gonna do?

[Amos]

Amos, there's only one thing you can do.

[Kingfish]

Tell your uncle the truth.

[Amos]

I think he'll appreciate it. And appreciate you being honest with him. Cause he bound to find out sooner or later.

[Andy]

Yeah, you're right. Oh, me boys, I goin out and take a walk in the park so I can get up my nerves. Come on, Kingfish, let's go in. I'm gonna tell him the truth.

[Kingfish]

Okay, open the door.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, Andy Kingfish, you finally got back. Where have you been all day?

[Andy]

Where's Lucy?

[Uncle Edgar]

Oh, she's in the kitchen.

[Kingfish]

Well, in the kitchen.

[Andy]

Uncle Edgar, there comes a time in a man's life when he got to do something that he don't like to do. But I got to do it.

[Uncle Edgar]

Well, what is it, Andy?

[Andy]

Well, Uncle Edgar, I'm going to confess something to you. This ain't my apartment. And Lucy and my wife. The only reason that I done told you all this was so I could stay in your will. But I wouldn't blame you now if you throw me out.

[Uncle Edgar]

I understand, Andy, but I ain't going

[Kingfish]

to cause you no more trouble.

[Andy]

Uncle Edgar, where's that sappy little theatrical actress supposed to be? My wife. I'll pay her the $3 and chase her out here right away so at least she ain't gonna be bothered with her.

[Uncle Edgar]

Andy, please. You speaking of my future wife?

[Andy]

Your future what?

[Uncle Edgar]

My future wife. I found out right after you left this morning that she was only playing the part of your wife. We spent all day getting acquainted. She's a fine cook and a good looking girl. We getting mad right away and leaving on the first train for Georgie.

[Kingfish]

Well, congratulations and all that stuff, Uncle Edgar. I'll be glad to go to the depot with you and see you off. You know, carry the grips for you, carry your will. Anything you want me to carry.

[Andy]

Yeah, congratulations, Uncle Edgar. But say, there's just one thing that I'd like to clear up before you leave.

[Uncle Edgar]

What's that?

[Andy]

Well, now that loose is going to be my aunt instead of my wife. Does I have to pay her the $3 or does you pay her?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen, Amos and Andy would like to say a few words to their listeners.

[Andy]

Hello folks. Hello everybody.

[Amos]

Well, we hope you enjoyed Our first show. As you know, this is the beginning of our new half hour series and

[Andy]

we want to thank Mr. Charles Coburn for his kindness in working with us tonight.

[Amos]

We wouldn't feel right to let this first show pass without saying a word about our sponsors, makers of the new Renzo.

[Andy]

Of course, we have heard of Renzo and its splendid reputation. And not long ago we asked for permission to visit the plant and see Renso being made.

[Amos]

We saw it being made with our own eyes and that is why we are so enthusiastic about the product we advertise. In thinking back over our trip through the Renso plant, it seems that we went through dozens of laboratories. And believe us, the reason for the high quality of Renso is no accident. We can truthfully tell you great care is taken to give Rentso the top quality which it has. And we earnestly feel that you too will recognize this and be glad you are using this wonderful product.

[Andy]

You folks were nice to listen to us tonight and we're looking forward to being back with you next Friday night at the same time. Thank you again.

[Amos]

And don't forget folks, when you think of Amos and Andy, think of Renso. Thank you and good night.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yes, be with us again next Friday night at this same hour when the makers of the new Rinso again present the Amos and Andy show and when Amos and Andy's guest will be the talented pianist Jose Eterbe. This is Harlow Wilcox bidding you good night for all.

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[Liberty Mutual Insurance Partner]

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[Liberty Mutual Insurance Spokesperson]

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