Archie Andrews 48-09-04 The Big Dance

Summary

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Podcast Episode Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Archie Andrews 48-09-04 The Big Dance
Date: December 31, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Archie Andrews" plunges listeners into the everyday chaos of the Andrews household as Archie and his friends prepare for a big Saturday night dance. Classic comic misunderstandings, slapstick incidents, and the eternal struggle for a peaceful bath set the tone. The show delivers a humorous slice of 1940s Americana, highlighting the relatable mishaps of family life and teenage excitement, all held together by witty banter and the anticipation of “The Big Dance.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Archie's Big Night Plans (00:17–02:56)

• The episode opens with frantic preparations for the dance, with Jughead insisting, “Come out right away, Jughead. It’s a matter of life or death.” (00:18)
• Archie reveals he’s taking Veronica and Jughead is taking Betty, but they’re all going together.
• Mrs. Andrews is sewing and wondering who Archie’s taking to the dance, expressing classic motherly concern.

2. Bathroom Antics and Domestic Tangles (04:02–12:14)

• Fred Andrews only wants a bath, but confusion over bathroom timing derails his plans:
  • “What do you want me to wear, negligee and galoshes?” Fred jokes about his bathrobe. (04:02)
  • Archie jumps into the bath just as Fred is about to use it, leading to back-and-forth grumbling and slapstick, including Jughead scrubbing Archie’s back.
• A running theme emerges: Fred’s quest for a bath is continually thwarted by miscommunication and the kids’ comings and goings.
• Betty and Veronica call about dance logistics, both sending mixed messages about arrival times, further confusing Archie. Veronica: "I hate to be the first one there. I'd sort of like to make an entrance, wouldn't you?" (10:34)
• Fred grows increasingly frustrated, “Mary, do you know what happened while I was down here taking a message for Archie? Archie was upstairs taking a bath for me.” (08:29)

3. The Bathroom Plumbing Saga (12:14–18:32)

• Renovation attempts go south when a broken washer causes the pipes to “knock” loudly.
• Fred insists on handling the plumbing himself—“Any fool can put a new washer in a faucet. So I’m going to do it, by George, even if I have to rebuild the whole house.” (13:53)
• Classic confusion ensues in the cellar as Fred attempts to identify the correct valve, showing off the show's love for slapstick domestic disasters.

4. A Spirited Sponsor Segment (16:00–18:34)

• Bob Sherry, the show’s announcer, weaves a comedic and folksy advert for Swift’s Premium Franks into the narrative:
  • Mrs. Andrews: “That cellophane package makes them completely sanitary, doesn’t it?” (16:30)
  • “My mother told me about the wonderful product Swift makes before I was married. And her mother told her about them years ago. So we’re really a Swift family from way back.” – Mrs. Andrews (17:08)
• The segment, wrapped in character banter, perfectly captures 1940s radio’s blend of storytelling and advertisement.

5. Locked In — The Bathroom Escalation (19:29–23:56)

• The bathroom becomes the stage for more calamity:
  • The door handle falls off, trapping Archie inside.
  • Fred saws through the door to free him, only for Archie’s head to get stuck in the hole: “I’ll sure look silly wearing a door around my neck the rest of my life.” – Jughead (22:48)
  • Eventually, with much pushing and sideways maneuvering, they manage to get Archie out.
• Fred sighs, “All I want to do is take a bath, that’s all. Just a nice, quiet bath. Is that asking too much?” (25:07)

6. Resolution and a Twist Ending (26:24–29:00)

• At long last, Fred gets his bath—only to discover there’s no soap left in the house.
• The episode ends with Archie and Jughead returning from the dance. Jughead, who won the jitterbug contest with Veronica, confides, “Well, Veronica got some nice perfume, but all I got was some plain old bath soap.” (28:46)
• Fred’s anguished cry closes the show, a true sign of comic comeuppance.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On teenage priorities:
  • “The only time I can dance without bumping into everyone is when no one else is on the dance floor.” — Jughead (03:16)
• On household chaos:
  • “Now, I admit I don’t know what the dickens happened to those water pipes, but the fact remains, if you kids hadn’t been getting in my way all evening, I’d have had my bath an hour ago.” — Fred Andrews (25:19)
• On the consequences of slapstick household repairs:
  • “Well, I’ll just have to saw this door open now, that’s all!” — Fred, after the doorknob comes off (20:24)
  • “I am not interested in how it happened. Just unlock it!” — Fred, as the bathroom crisis escalates (20:09)
• On foiled plans:
  • “How do these things happen to me?” — Fred, alone and soapy, with no soap left (27:16)
• The ultimate ironic twist:
  • “Veronica got some nice perfume, but all I got was some plain old bath soap.” — Jughead, drawing groans from Fred (28:46)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:17–02:56: Archie and Jughead prep for the dance; mom’s curiosity about plans.
• 04:02–08:29: Bath time confusion; Fred’s interrupted relaxation; Archie & Jughead’s hijinks.
• 10:34–11:04: Veronica’s contradictory phone call (“make an entrance!”).
• 12:14–13:53: Plumbing woes escalate; Fred embarks on DIY repairs.
• 16:00–17:56: Sponsor/advert segment woven into home banter.
• 19:29–23:56: Archie gets trapped in the bathroom door; family rescue operation.
• 25:07–25:38: Fred’s breakdown about wanting a peaceful bath.
• 26:24–27:16: Fred’s hard-won bath — with no soap.
• 28:20–29:00: Jughead’s jitterbug prize and the comedic final twist.

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Tone and Style

The episode radiates the warm, winking tone of classic American radio comedies. Characters are quick-witted but lovable, family frustrations are played for laughs, and sponsor banter is folded seamlessly into the household’s rhythm. There’s an easy cheer and playful energy that typified “Golden Age” radio entertainment — a comforting, communal snapshot of postwar suburban America.

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This episode is a delightful example of how Archie Andrews spins minor domestic disruptions into major, laugh-out-loud adventures. Even if you missed listening, you can feel the charming bedlam — and empathize with anyone who’s ever just wanted a hot bath in peace!

Transcript

[Archie Andrews]

What do you want?

[Jughead Jones]

Come out right away, Jughead. It's a matter of life or death.

[Betty Cooper]

Relax.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Ay.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Yes, and you relax too, folks, if you can, because here he is again, the youngster millions of readers of Archie Comics know and love so well. And brought to you by Swift and Company, makers of Swift's Premium Pranks, Archie Andrews and all his gang. Tender beef, juicy pork known from the west coast to New York. Swift Premium Pranks, Swift Premium Franks in a new handy £1 pack. Yes, for your guarantee of protection. Swift's Premium Franks now come to you. Cellophane wrapped in handy 1 pound packages made right here in your own vicinity or in a nearby city. Swift's Premium Franks are wrapped in the new handy sanitary Flavor Saver pack and brought to you at the very peak of their tantalizing flavor with all their natural goodness sealed in that mouth watering flavor goodness of beef and pork blended together is wrapped in cellophane for your protection. So kids, tell your mom that you want Swift's Premium Franks. And mom, get some today. They're delicious. And you'll be glad to know that every delectable morsel of Swift's Premium Franks is extra nourishing, extra good. Ask for them today. Swift's Premium Franks in the sanitary £1 package. And now suppose you join me in a visit to the town where I live. Riverdale is its name and it's pretty much a typical American city. It's got two schools, one park, seven churches, a museum, a zoo and the Andrews family. Suppose we make the Andrews home. Our first stop. It's Saturday evening and we find Mrs. Andrews in the living room sewing as Archie Andrews enters.

[Jughead Jones]

I'll be down if we get you in a taxi, honey. Oh, hi, Ma.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Well, Archie, what are you so happy about?

[Archie Andrews]

Me?

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, I don't know, Mom. Guess maybe it's my big date tonight.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, you're going out?

[Jughead Jones]

Sure, mom, it's Saturday night. You know I'm going to the dance.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, who you taking, dear?

[Jughead Jones]

Well, I'm taking Veronica and Jug's taking Betty, but we're all going together.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, well, that's nice. You should have a lovely time.

[Jughead Jones]

Yeah, I think we will. Well, I better start dressing or I'll.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, now who can that be?

[Jughead Jones]

I'll get her, Mom.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, hi, dear.

[Jughead Jones]

She was Jughead. Who'd you expect, coffee head.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Jughead?

[Jughead Jones]

I expected you, but not so soon. I'm not even dressed yet. Oh, hurry up. I want to get to the dance early. Why the rush? The only time I can dance without bumping into everyone is when no one else is on the dance.

[Fred Andrews]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Hello, Douglass.

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, hello, Mrs. Andrews. What you doing?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Just ironing some socks.

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, you are? Gee, I had a big hole in my sock when I was dressing tonight.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Is that so?

[Jughead Jones]

Yeah, but it's okay now.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Well, didn't you sew it yourself?

[Jughead Jones]

No, I decided not to wear any socks. Oh, fine, jug head.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

You mean you're going to the dance without any socks?

[Fred Andrews]

Sure.

[Jughead Jones]

These pants are too long anyway.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, for pity's sake.

[Jughead Jones]

Well listen, Jug, if we want to get there early, I better get started. Come on upstairs while I get fresh. Okay.

[Fred Andrews]

Hello, dear.

[Archie Andrews]

Hello, Fred. I want.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Fred, why are you wearing your bathrobe and slippers?

[Fred Andrews]

What do you want me to wear, negligee and galoshes?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Fred, never mind being funny and tell.

[Jughead Jones]

Me why you're in your bathrobe at 7:30.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Well, my dear, it so happens that.

[Fred Andrews]

Unless you have some violent objections, I am going to take a bath. A bath, Bob.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, but Fred, I thought we might go to a movie tonight, dear.

[Fred Andrews]

Tonight, dear, I'm just in the mood for a nice hot bath. Yes, sir, I'd like nothing better than to relax for about half an hour and just soap and soap. Ah, yes sir, that's my motto. Tonight soap and soap or soap and soap. Bet you can't say that three times fast.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

No, dear, I probably can't.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, go ahead, try it. Soap and soak. Soap and soap and soap and. You see, it can't be done.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Honestly Fred, won't you ever grow up? Now go on, take your bath, Mary.

[Fred Andrews]

That's exactly what I'm going to do right this minute. Now what? If that's going to be hot enough, let's try it. Sure is hot. Gosh. Better put some cold water on, Dude. Well, that ought to be about right. Now let's see. Oo, it's freezing. Minute ago was too hot and now it's too. Oh well, some more hot will do it. That should do it. Now we'll see. Ah, yes sir, just right. Yes siree, just exist. Is that the phone? That is the phone. Mary, are you getting that? Mary? Oh, fine. Now where'd she disappear to? Well, I suppose I'll have to answer it myself. I don't know why that phone always rings at the wrong time. Always. All right, all right, I'm coming. Hello?

[Betty Cooper]

Hello, Mr. Andrews, this is Betty.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, hello, Betty.

[Betty Cooper]

Is Archie there?

[Fred Andrews]

I don't think so, Betty. I haven't seen him since dinner.

[Betty Cooper]

Oh, well, I just wanted to Talk to him about the dance we're all going to tonight. Would you give him a message for me, Mr. Andrews?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, Betty, what is it? Well, would you tell him to try.

[Betty Cooper]

Real hard not to be late?

[Fred Andrews]

Not to be late.

[Betty Cooper]

Because somehow he always is late. Especially to dance.

[Fred Andrews]

Especially to dancers.

[Archie Andrews]

We always miss half the dance.

[Fred Andrews]

Always miss half the dance.

[Betty Cooper]

And this once I'd like to get there right at the start of the dance.

[Fred Andrews]

Start of the dance.

[Betty Cooper]

Can you remember all that, Mr. Andrews?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, Betty, but would it be all right with you if I just told Archie you want to get. Want him to get there on time?

[Betty Cooper]

Well, yes, I guess that's the same thing.

[Fred Andrews]

All right, I'll tell him.

[Betty Cooper]

Thanks a lot, Mr. Andrews.

[Fred Andrews]

Not at all, Betty. Bye. Bye. Thanks a lot. Oh, now you get here, Mary. Where were you when that phone was ringing?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

I was out in the kitchen and my hands were wet and I couldn't come to the phone.

[Fred Andrews]

All right. But it so happens I was about to take a bath and had to come all the way down here just because Betty wants Archie to be on time at some dance.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, is that all?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, that's all. And if the phone rings again, you answer it.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, dear, I will.

[Fred Andrews]

All right, fine. Things have to do. Everything around here I. I eat. Now, who locked this confounded door? Archie, are you in there?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, dad, I'm taking a bath.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, all right, but don't be too taking a bath in my tub. Archie. I was gonna take a bath.

[Jughead Jones]

Gee whiz, dad, I'm going out tonight and I gotta take a bath before I get dressed.

[Fred Andrews]

So you see a nice tub of hot water and you just.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Just jump right in.

[Fred Andrews]

You think that water grew there?

[Jughead Jones]

No, I thought mom got it ready for me.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, fine. Well, I guess now that you're in the tub, you're in the tub. But don't stay there all night, you hear?

[Archie Andrews]

Be right out, dad. Yeah, we'll be right out, Jughead.

[Fred Andrews]

What are you doing in there?

[Jughead Jones]

I'm scrubbing Ary's back.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, great.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Well, scrub a little faster and get out of there.

[Archie Andrews]

Okay.

[Fred Andrews]

Mary. Mary, do you know what happened while I was down here taking a message for Archie? Archie was upstairs taking a bath for me.

[Archie Andrews]

What?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, he did. Jumped right into the bathtub while my back was turned.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, for pity sake.

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, oh, for pity. Oh, hello, Mr. Andrews. Oh, Veronica, is that. No, he's upstairs in the. He's upstairs, Veronica.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, would you mind calling him to the phone?

[Fred Andrews]

Mine. I'd love it, Veronica. Absolutely love it.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Archie. Oh, Archie.

[Archie Andrews]

Calling me, dad?

[Betty Cooper]

Yes.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Archie, telephone.

[Archie Andrews]

He was. Okay, dad.

[Fred Andrews]

Just a minute, Veronica, you'll be right here.

[Archie Andrews]

Thank you.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, Mary, I guess that'll teach that boy to take a bath when no one's looking.

[Archie Andrews]

What?

[Fred Andrews]

Well, you know what I mean.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Yes, but you're just cutting off your nose despite your face. You know, now you'll only have to wait that much longer to take your bath.

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, but I never thought of that.

[Jughead Jones]

Thanks, dad.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Archie, what are you doing running around in that towel?

[Jughead Jones]

Gee whiz, Mom, I can't run around without it.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, don't be funny. Okay, dad, answer the phone.

[Jughead Jones]

Hi.

[Betty Cooper]

Hello. Hello, Archie. Hi, all Archie pennies. I'm anxious to see you later. Aren't you, dear?

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, either say something or get off that boat.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

She was.

[Jughead Jones]

Okay, dad. Okay. Hello, Veronica?

[Betty Cooper]

Yes.

[Jughead Jones]

Did you want to speak to me about anything special?

[Betty Cooper]

Well, yes, Archie, I wonder if we could get to the dance a little late.

[Jughead Jones]

Did you say late, Veronica?

[Archie Andrews]

Uh huh.

[Betty Cooper]

I hate to be the first one there. I'd sort of like to make an entrance, wouldn't you?

[Jughead Jones]

Well, I guess so.

[Betty Cooper]

All right then, I'll see you a little later. Bye now, Archie.

[Jughead Jones]

Bye now, Veronica.

[Betty Cooper]

Bye now.

[Fred Andrews]

Bye now.

[Archie Andrews]

Bye. Bye.

[Betty Cooper]

See that, Veronica?

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, I'll. Veronica, you get up there and finish that bath.

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, okay, dad. Okay. I'll be out before you can say Jack Robinson.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Archie, I don't want to say Jack.

[Fred Andrews]

Robinson and I want to take a bath. Mary, we're going to have to do something about that boy.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, now, Fred.

[Fred Andrews]

Never mind the now, Fred. I like to take a bath when I'm in the mood for taking a bath, and not just anytime. That boy knew I was waiting and yet he stood around on that phone giggling like he was laying an egg.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Yes, friend, but he'll be through in a minute.

[Fred Andrews]

Laying an egg?

[Archie Andrews]

No, taking a bath.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, a minute's too long. You should be through.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Archie.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, sir.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Archie, are you out of that tub yet?

[Jughead Jones]

No, dad, I'm waiting for it to fill up.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Oh, all right. Fill up?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, the water was ice cold when I got back up here, so I.

[Jughead Jones]

Had to fill the tub all over again. Mary, you see what I remember your blood pressure.

[Fred Andrews]

Blood pressure? Mary, in a minute I won't need a hot bath. I'm boiling right now. Mary, if that boy isn't.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Well, it's about time.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

There, dear.

[Archie Andrews]

You see?

[Fred Andrews]

See what?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, never mind.

[Jughead Jones]

Just go take your bath.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, thank you, madame. Thank you. I'm so glad I have your permission. Just go take your bath, she says what does she think I've been trying to do all evening, play ping pong? Fine thing. Well, anyway, he's finally out of here now. Maybe I can take a nice. Oh, no, Mary.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

This water's ice cold.

[Archie Andrews]

It is. Or he must have used all the hot water.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, fine.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Well, what do I do now?

[Archie Andrews]

Just let it run.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

What?

[Archie Andrews]

Just let the water run. There'll be more hot water in a minute.

[Fred Andrews]

All right, let it run. See what's wrong with that water pipe. It was knocking.

[Jughead Jones]

I thought the house was falling in jug.

[Fred Andrews]

It wasn't the house, it was the water pipe. Knocking. What was that, Mary? For the third and last time, the water pipe was knocking.

[Archie Andrews]

Knocking?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, knocking. Evidently the washer is gone.

[Jughead Jones]

Washer?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, the rubber washer that keeps the faucet from leaking must be worn out.

[Jughead Jones]

Look, why do I have to explain.

[Fred Andrews]

How the whole house is built? This faucet needs a new washer, that's all.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, well, I guess you just have to forget about your bath.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

I'll call a plumber tomorrow.

[Fred Andrews]

Mary, I am not going to forget about my bath. Tomorrow is Sunday, and you can't get a plumber on Sunday. And I want a bath tonight. And any fool can put a new.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Washer in a faucet. So I'm going to do it, by.

[Fred Andrews]

George, even if I have to rebuild the whole house.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Burying.

[Archie Andrews]

Yes, Brad?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Is Archie up in the bathroom?

[Archie Andrews]

Yes. Where are you?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Down in the cellar. I think. I have the water shut off down here. Ask Archie to try it and see if it's off.

[Archie Andrews]

But, Red, won't those pipes start knocking again?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Mary, just do as I ask you.

[Archie Andrews]

All right, dear. Arty. Yes, Ma? Are you up in the bathroom? Yes, Mom. Well, try the hot water, dear, and see if it's all.

[Jughead Jones]

Won't those pipes start knocking again?

[Archie Andrews]

Archie, just do as I ask you. All right, Mom. All right. Here, Archie. Got it all. Save us. Fred. Fred, maybe you ought to forget about it.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Don't be silly. It's only a matter of my finding the right knob to turn down here. I think this one must be the one.

[Archie Andrews]

Which one? The one under the water. Under the boiler. Fred, how'd you ever get under the boiler?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Mary, Never mind how. They'll like me to try the water again.

[Archie Andrews]

All right, dear.

[Betty Cooper]

Oh, dear.

[Archie Andrews]

Come on.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Look at that, dear.

[Archie Andrews]

All right, all right, I'm coming.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, well, hello there, Mr. Sherry. How nice to see you. Won't you come in?

[Fred Andrews]

Thank you.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Well, Mrs. Andrews, I just dropped by to tell you the news.

[Archie Andrews]

News?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

What news?

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

The Big news?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

What big news?

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

You mean you haven't heard?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, no, I don't think I have.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

That's fine. Then I can be the first to tell you.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Tell me what?

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Well, gosh, I, I, I just don't know where to begin. But I just found out that Swift's Premium Franks. You know, those extra delicious franks that are all dinner quality meat?

[Fred Andrews]

Well, you can get them now in.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

A new handy £1 cellophane package.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Really, Mr. Sherry, or that's simply grand.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

It will be so convenient that way to buy them in a handy package.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, and that cellophane package makes them completely sanitary, doesn't it?

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Sanitary? With that cellophane wrapping. You know that Swift's Premium Franks are extra fresh, wholesome and flavorful no matter where or when you buy them, ma'.

[Fred Andrews]

Am. What was that?

[Archie Andrews]

What'd you say?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

I didn't say anything.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, excuse me.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

As I was saying, besides being convenient and sanitary, the new cellophane package assures you that Swift's Premium Franks reach you at the very peak of their flavored goodness. Juicy pork and tender beef blended together in one delightful frank.

[Fred Andrews]

My land.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

What'll they think of next? Well, I'm sure glad you told me about Swift Premium Frank, Mr. Sherry. You know, my mother told me about the wonderful product Swift makes before I was married. And her mother told her about them years ago. So we're really a Swift family from way back.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Oh, Mrs. Andrews, what a real pleasure it is to talk to you.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, Sherry.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

And you know, Mrs. Andrews, to make sure that Swift's Premium Francs reach you as fresh as fresh can be. Swift makes them close to where they're sold. Makes them in the vicinity or in a nearby city.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, Mr. Sherry, I'm certainly glad you.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Took all the trouble to come down here and tell me these things.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, no trouble at all.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

And I do hope I haven't taken up too much of your time. But when I heard about the new flavor saver pack, I rushed right over here because I knew you'd be interested.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Well, I'm certainly glad you did. In fact, I think I'll go down and get some Swiss Premium Franks right now.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Well, Mrs. Andrews, I'll drive you down.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

All right, just as soon as I get my things. Let's see now. Here's my curry.

[Archie Andrews]

Cheese.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

I'm sure Mr. Andrews will be wild about those franks.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Yes, I. Mr. Andrews. Oh, dear, I forgot.

[Archie Andrews]

He's under the boiler.

[Fred Andrews]

Under the what?

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

I can't explain just now, but I'll just have to drive down myself later. But thank you so much for dropping by.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

It was a pleasure, Mrs. Andrews.

[Fred Andrews]

Goodbye.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Goodbye, Mr. Sherry.

[Archie Andrews]

Fred, what are you shouting about? Well, Fred, I don't know.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

You don't know? What have you been doing up there? Taking a gallop home.

[Archie Andrews]

Fred, don't be sarcastic. Archie. Yes, ma'. Am. Is the water off up there?

[Fred Andrews]

Sure.

[Jughead Jones]

It's been off for 10 minutes.

[Archie Andrews]

Fred, the water's off now. What do you want me to do?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Not a thing, Mary, not a thing. Just come pull me out from under this boiler.

[Archie Andrews]

Red, I still say you ought to.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Let a plumber do the job.

[Fred Andrews]

Mary, let's not go through that again. Now that we have the water shut off, it won't take two seconds. Besides, I really need a bath after crawling around down in that basement.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Well, you should let him do it.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, jeez. Oh, hello, jughead. What are you doing up here?

[Jughead Jones]

Waiting for Art.

[Fred Andrews]

Where is he?

[Jughead Jones]

In the bathroom.

[Fred Andrews]

In the bathroom? Archie, are you in there?

[Jughead Jones]

Sure, dad.

[Archie Andrews]

Don't you want me in here?

[Fred Andrews]

No, not anymore. Now, unlock this door so I can get at that faucet.

[Jughead Jones]

Unlock it? But I never locked it.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, you must have. This door is locked, see?

[Jughead Jones]

Gee whiz, how could that happen?

[Fred Andrews]

I am not interested in how it happened. Just unlock it.

[Jughead Jones]

But, dad, the lock part isn't turn.

[Archie Andrews]

It's the door knob.

[Fred Andrews]

The knob.

[Archie Andrews]

Yeah, it fell off.

[Fred Andrews]

Fell off?

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, no, Fred, is that serious?

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, no, dear, not at all. I'll just have to saw this door open now, that's all. My. Oh, what a job.

[Archie Andrews]

Gee whit. Dad.

[Jughead Jones]

What are you stopping for?

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, I just stopped to catch my breath for a minute. Now, be patient. I'm almost through here, see?

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Can you hurry?

[Archie Andrews]

Dad, Doug and I got saved.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, I am hurrying. Now, just before. Quiet.

[Jughead Jones]

I didn't intend to spend Saturday night waiting outside a bathroom.

[Fred Andrews]

Doug, you'll be quiet, too.

[Archie Andrews]

You're f. To be through in a minute.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie. Yeah, just a few more strokes. There, that does it.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Thank goodness.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, see if you can knock that piece out.

[Jughead Jones]

What piece?

[Fred Andrews]

The piece of wood around the door knob that I just sawed.

[Jughead Jones]

Oh, okay.

[Archie Andrews]

Dad, look out.

[Fred Andrews]

There.

[Archie Andrews]

There, I did it.

[Fred Andrews]

Good boy.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Hello, everybody.

[Fred Andrews]

Hello. Now get your head out of that hole and open the door.

[Jughead Jones]

Boy, I bet not many houses have a hole in the bathroom door.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, just get your head out of that hole.

[Jughead Jones]

Okay, I'll. That's funny.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, hurry up.

[Jughead Jones]

She was dead. Don't you think I would if I could?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, Archie, I know you. If you could. Archie, what do you mean?

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, dear.

[Jughead Jones]

His head is stuck in there. And how.

[Fred Andrews]

How can it be stuck? He got it in, didn't he?

[Jughead Jones]

Yeah, but it sure won't come out. She wins.

[Fred Andrews]

Now listen, Archie, if it went in, it's got to come out. Archie, hold still a minute.

[Archie Andrews]

Hey, what are you doing?

[Fred Andrews]

The only way to get him out. Dad, quit it.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Hey, don't do that.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, I guess that won't work. Now, let's see. There must be some way to do this.

[Jughead Jones]

Maybe you should take the hinges off.

[Fred Andrews]

I can't. They're inside.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, Archie, can't you open that door?

[Jughead Jones]

No, mom, it opens out and my shoulders are jammed against the wall.

[Fred Andrews]

There must be some way.

[Jughead Jones]

There better be some way. I'll sure look silly wearing a door around my neck the rest of my life.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Especially a bathroom dog.

[Jughead Jones]

I knew it.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Looks good, Doug.

[Fred Andrews]

Be quiet, Fred.

[Archie Andrews]

Never mind, Jughead, get Archie out. I think he's turning blue.

[Fred Andrews]

Mary, don't get hysterical. He is not turning blue.

[Jughead Jones]

No, just a little green jug.

[Fred Andrews]

Keep quiet.

[Archie Andrews]

Well, fan, do something, Mary. I am.

[Fred Andrews]

Now, just be patient for a moment. Look, Archie, I have a plan. You must be. Put your head in sideways. The hole is w. That way.

[Jughead Jones]

Gee, maybe I did.

[Fred Andrews]

Well, then try to take it out that way. Go on. Turn your head sideways.

[Archie Andrews]

Okay.

[Fred Andrews]

Turn it more.

[Archie Andrews]

Okay.

[Fred Andrews]

Turn it more.

[Archie Andrews]

Okay.

[Jughead Jones]

If he turns it anymore, he won't know if he's coming or going.

[Archie Andrews]

Just cry.

[Fred Andrews]

Keep crying, Archie. Here, I. I'll help you.

[Archie Andrews]

Ouch.

[Jughead Jones]

Not so hard, dad.

[Archie Andrews]

Friends are ringing his neck.

[Fred Andrews]

The best prod of the evening. Come on, Archie, turn.

[Archie Andrews]

Okay, I'm front.

[Jughead Jones]

Hey, I'm out.

[Fred Andrews]

Archie, I think.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, dear. Jughead, please go see who that is.

[Jughead Jones]

Okay, Mrs. Hand.

[Fred Andrews]

Now, Archie, look out so I can get to that faucet and put that washer in.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, Fred, why don't you give up that idea?

[Jughead Jones]

Give up?

[Fred Andrews]

Now, Mary, don't be silly. The worst is over. All I have to do is turn this faucet on and.

[Jughead Jones]

Gee whiz.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, dear.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, for Pete's sake, Archie. I thought you said the water was turned off.

[Jughead Jones]

Gee, it was off that.

[Betty Cooper]

Archie, are you sure?

[Jughead Jones]

Part of it. But the pipes didn't knock that time.

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, I know they didn't. You didn't knock. Oh, good grief.

[Archie Andrews]

Did not, Fred, you mean. And you started all this fuss for no reason?

[Fred Andrews]

Hello, Veronica. Just wait a moment.

[Jughead Jones]

Hello, Veronica, everybody.

[Fred Andrews]

Betty, would you please wait? I did all I could for it.

[Archie Andrews]

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

[Fred Andrews]

That's better. Now listen to me, all of you. Nonsense has gone far enough. Do you hear? Far enough?

[Betty Cooper]

Yes, Mr. Andrews.

[Jughead Jones]

Yes, dear. Yes, dad.

[Fred Andrews]

Now, all I want to do is take a bath, that's all. Just a nice, quiet bath. Is that asking too much?

[Jughead Jones]

No, Mr. Andrews.

[Betty Cooper]

No, dear.

[Jughead Jones]

No, dad.

[Fred Andrews]

All right. Now, I admit I don't know what the dickens happened to those water pipes, but the fact remains, if you kids hadn't been getting in my way all evening, I'd have had my bath an hour ago.

[Jughead Jones]

Yes, Mr. Randy. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Dad.

[Fred Andrews]

So if you kids are going to a dance, for Pete's sake, go ahead and I'll get my bath.

[Jughead Jones]

Okay, dad. Okay. Come on, kids, let's get out of here.

[Fred Andrews]

Go ahead. Goodbye. Well, that's settled.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

And thank goodness it is.

[Archie Andrews]

I don't want to hear any more about a bath.

[Fred Andrews]

Don't worry, you won't. Oh, me. Quite a night. Quite a night. I don't suppose anything else can happen. Ah, just feel that water just right. Well, that ought to be enough water. Fine. Now, just take this bathrobe off there and step in a little warmth.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Oh.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, There we are. Oh, that's fine. Fine. That's what the doctor ordered. Now all I need is. All fine. Mary.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Oh, Mary, bring me a piece of soap, please. No, there isn't. Auntie must have used the last of it.

[Archie Andrews]

Oh, dear, that's terrible.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Mary, all I want is a piece of soap.

[Archie Andrews]

In the house. You'll don't have to forget your back.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Forget my.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, how do these things happen to me?

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

Yes, it never rains, but it pours at the Andrews house. But we'll see how the storm ended in just a moment. Meanwhile, Tender beef, juicy pork, known from the west coast to New York. Swift premium franks. Swift premium franks. And now back to the Andrews. Mr. And Mrs. Andrews have just gotten to sleep.

[Fred Andrews]

Oh, no.

[Archie Andrews]

Archie.

[Jughead Jones]

Nephew, did I wake you?

[Fred Andrews]

Yes, Archie, you certainly did. Oh, Geon.

[Jughead Jones]

Sorry. I. I didn't think you'd be asleep.

[Red (possibly a friend or handyman)]

Well, we're not.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Now, you have a nice time at the dance here?

[Jughead Jones]

Well, sort of. Mom, Veronica and I won the jitterbug contest.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Oh, that's nice.

[Jughead Jones]

But you'd think that dance committee would spend some money on prizes.

[Mrs. Andrews (Mary Andrews)]

Fine.

[Archie Andrews]

What'd you get?

[Jughead Jones]

Well, Veronica got some nice perfume, but all I got was some plain old bath soap.

[Fred Andrews]

What? Oh, no.

[Bob Sherry (Announcer)]

You've been listening to another chapter of the Adventures of Archie Andrews, written by Carl Zampell and based on the copyrighted feature appearing in Archie Comics Magazine. Archie is played by Bob Hastings, Jughead by Harlan Stone. Mom and dad Andrews are played by Alice Jorman and Arthur you, Brian, Veronica and Betty by Gloria Mann and Rosemary Rice. This program was produced and Directed by Kenneth McGregor. Listen again next Saturday when Swift and company, makers of Swift Premium Franks, bring you more of the Merry adventures of Archie Andrews. This is Bob Sherry wishing you a very pleasant weekend along.