Atlanta Radio Theatre Company - Atlanta Science Fiction Society

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Atlanta Radio Theatre Company – Atlanta Science Fiction Society
Date: March 19, 2026
Podcast Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Featured: Atlanta Radio Theatre Company (ARTC) – Live at the Sandy Springs Public Library (Nov 9, 2002)

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Episode Overview

This episode showcases the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company (ARTC) performing for the Atlanta Science Fiction Society. It features a vibrant celebration of classic radio drama, a look at the roots and evolution of science fiction in audio, and the staging of several comedic and dramatic science fiction stories in the spirit of the golden age of radio. The cast delivers live radio plays, spotlights classic sci-fi and horror tropes, and discusses the craft of audio drama—including the art of sound effects.

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Key Discussion Points & Performances

1. Introduction to Radio Theatre and Science Fiction Audio

• History Recap:
  • Radio drama’s origins in early 20th-century live performance
  • Early commercial radio’s focus: news and music, quickly expanding to drama and comedy
  • Classic horror anthologies like Lights Out and Inner Sanctum paved the way ([00:54])
• Golden Age Sci-Fi Rarity:
  • The Shadow, first just a narrator (Frank Reddick), before Orson Welles
  • Touchstone: The Mercury Theatre’s 1938 War of the Worlds broadcast and its infamy ([01:42])
  • Networks hesitated to repeat such experiments due to intense public reactions.
• Era Milestones:
  • 1950s: NBC’s Dimension X and X Minus One finally brought regular, prime-time science fiction, adapting authors like Heinlein and Bradbury ([02:11])

Quote:

"Theater of the mind... Some of the oldest surviving sound recordings are stage plays with sound effects added—what we would now call radio drama."
— Radio Drama Historian/Narrator ([00:54])

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2. Live Radio Drama: “Rory Rammer, Space Marshal—The Last Vampire” ([03:13]–[11:33])

A rollicking retro-style sci-fi adventure parody, evoking Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon.

• Premise:
  • Space Marshal Rory Rammer and sidekick Skip Sagan investigate a mysterious object from deep space, discovering an alien encased in “stasis shell.”
• Key Moments:
  • The alien, Kalilar Dolph, reveals his species feeds on blood, but when he tries to feed, he dies from a violent allergic reaction to human blood.
• Themes:
  • Playful take on classic “alien vampire” myths and lawman-in-space adventures.
• Character Banter:
  • Playful arguments over who saved the day and who was “making goo goo eyes at the bloodsucker from outer space.” ([10:55])

Memorable Quotes:

"We do not eat, but we feed on... We let our cattle eat and digest and then we feed on them. On the richness of their blood by the powder of our arms. Hold it right there."
— Kalilar Dolph, Alien Character ([08:25])

"I guessed he'd be allergic to the proteins in our blood. Violently allergic."
— Professor Feynman ([10:03])

"It's true what they say. Extinction is forever."
— Professor/Scientist ([11:25])

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3. The Art and Craft of Sound Effects ([11:49]–[14:07])

• Sound as Performance:
  • The Foley artist is "the character he portrays is the inanimate world of scenery and props."
• Creative Solutions:
  • Examples:
    • Cucumber for stabbing sounds
    • Celery for breaking bones
    • Watermelon for head trauma
    • Thunderball: "just a child's punch bag filled with BBs" ([13:45])
• **Themed around horror, but techniques apply across genres.

Quote:

"With a pair of shoes, we can tell the listener not only that someone is coming, but how he's coming—leisurely, furtively, or running for his life."
— Radio Drama Historian/Narrator ([12:19])

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4. Comic PI Interlude: “Philip Miaolo, P.I.” ([15:24]–[19:32])

• Spoof of Hardboiled Detective Stories:
  • Narrated from the perspective of a wisecracking housecat detective.
  • Sidekick: Pedro the hyperactive Chihuahua.
  • The “case” is getting into the kitchen for smoked salmon.

Quote:

"The kitchen door was latched. I didn't know what was on the other side. But it had to be good. Something I needed to find out about. When I need to find out about things I can't get my paws on, I go to my informant, Pedro the Chihuahua."
— Philip Miaolo/Narrator ([16:45])

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5. Atlanta Radio Theatre Company Origins and Milestones ([20:01]–[21:02])

• Founded in 1984: By William L. Brown & Patrick Stansberry.
• Mission: Non-profit dedicated to quality audio drama.
• DragonCon Partnership: Ongoing shows since 1987.
• Centauri Express Audio Magazine: Distributed on tape and CD.

Quote:

"We take advantage of advancing technology to integrate recorded sound effects in our live shows in ways that were unthinkable just a few years ago..."
— Radio Drama Historian/Narrator ([20:56])

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6. Skit: “Unresolved Mysteries Solved While You Wait” ([21:02]–[27:09])

• Parody of UFO Abduction Phenomena and Talk Radio
  • Hosts orchestrate perfect conditions for a UFO abduction, destroying all possible evidence in the area.
  • Abducted by aliens (“It’s a bird… it’s a plane… it’s a brilliant light in the sky…”)
  • Alien abduction played for laughs: clothes taken, telepathy jokes, genetic suitability examined—and finally, they’ll have their memories erased.
  • Running gag: names forgotten, joke about Monica Lewinsky ([26:37])

Quote:

"I think I remember a guy who wears one earring."
— Chrysa ([26:09])

"You know, I do seem to remember that you look cute naked, though."
— Daniel ([26:21])

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7. Radio Drama Today: The ARTC & The Big Boys ([27:09]–[27:18])

• Two Worlds:
  • Passion-driven groups like ARTC who love the medium
  • Larger, “big boy” programs, sometimes eschewing effects for pure storytelling

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8. Lovecraftian Parody: “News from Arkham, Massachusetts” ([28:32]–[37:33])

• Setting:
  • The fictitious town of Arkham, full of "eldritch" New England charm and cosmic horror.
• Plot:
  • Wilbur Whateley, aged nine, transforms into a tentacled horror at Miskatonic University.
  • Community takes this in stride, but gets excited when Harvard professors banish Yog Sothoth.
  • Sly humor about New England modesty, football woes, and the unflappable locals.
  • Dry and affectionate Lovecraft sendup—ending on a wry, hopeful note.

Quote:

"All the men are Eldritch, all the women are uncanny, and all the children are from dimensions outside the time and space that we know."
— Professor/Scientist ([36:17]–[37:33])

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9. Credits & Closing ([37:33]–[39:01])

• Acknowledgement of Writers & Cast:
  • Written by Ron N. Butler, Daniel Taylor, Daniel Kiernan, Brad Strickland.
  • Performers: David Benedict, Matt Staccato, Claire Kiernan, Daniel Kiernan, Jack Mayfield, Daniel Taylor, Karen Wilbanks.
  • Foley Artists: Daniel Taylor, Karen Wilbanks, Lily.
  • Sound Techs: David Carter, Bill Rich.
  • Music by Brad Weege.
  • Directed by William Allen Rich.
  • Hosts: Phil Carter, Joyce Lee.

Quote:

“We are the Atlanta Radio Theater Company.”
— Hosts ([38:48])

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• "Theater of the mind... Some of the oldest surviving sound recordings are stage plays with sound effects added."
  — Radio Drama Historian/Narrator ([00:54])

• Parody science fiction dialogue:

  "We do not eat, but we feed on... On the richness of their blood by the powder of our arms."
  — Alien Character ([08:25])

• Lovecraft spoof on small-town life:

  "All the men are Eldritch, all the women are uncanny, and all the children are from dimensions outside the time and space that we know."
  — Professor/Scientist ([36:17])

• SFX insight:

  “Celery is just wet and stringy enough for a nice organic sound.”
  — Radio Drama Historian/Narrator ([13:12])

• Comic banter:

  “I think I remember a guy who wears one earring.”
  — Chrysa ([26:09])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:38] Introduction / Welcome, history of science fiction in radio
• [03:13] “Rory Rammer, Space Marshal—The Last Vampire”
• [11:49] Sound Effects: Technique & Discussion
• [15:24] “Philip Miaolo, P.I.” hardboiled detective parody (cat PI)
• [20:01] History of ARTC, DragonCon, and expansion
• [21:02] “Unresolved Mysteries Solved While You Wait” – UFO abduction sketch
• [27:09] Modern radio drama: small companies vs “the big boys”
• [28:32] “The News from Arkham, Massachusetts” – Lovecraftian parody
• [37:33] Show Credits

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Overall Tone & Style

Playful, affectionate, and sharply witty, the episode celebrates and lampoons the traditions of radio drama and science fiction. The performances blend nostalgia with knowing, modern humor—never mocking the old forms, but always ready to revel in their peculiarities.

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Summary

This episode is a loving tribute to the golden age of radio drama, alive with “theater of the mind” sci-fi parodies, intergalactic lawmen, wisecracking cats, Lovecraftian horrors, and behind-the-scenes wisdom. With its expert performances and sly humor, the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company keeps the spirit of old-time radio alive for a new generation—reminding listeners why families used to crowd around the radio, leaving imaginations to supply the rest.

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For further listening:
ARTC productions are available on tape, CD, and at artc.org.
All material is copyright the creators and the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company.

Transcript

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[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Welcome to another podcast from the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company. The following show was recorded live at the Sandy Springs Public Library on Saturday, November 9, 2002 at 2:00pm for the Atlanta Science Fiction Society, this is the

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

theater of the mind.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Some of the oldest surviving sound recordings are stage plays with sound effects added what we would now call radio drama. Commercial radio broadcasting began with news and pre recorded music, but quickly expanded to include live comedy, music and dramatic productions

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

in what we would call primetime. There was little real science fiction. There were horror anthologies like Arch Oblor's Lights out and Hyman Brown's Inner Sanctum. And of course, the Mysterious Shadow knew what evil lurked in the hearts of men. When Frank Reddick first portrayed the character, he was only the narrator of melodramatic crime stories. By the time the character became an active participant in the series, the part was being read by a young unknown named Orson Welles, of whom you may

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

have heard we can't discuss radio science fiction without mentioning the most famous or infamous SF broadcast of all time, the Mercury Theatre's 1938 adaptation of H.G. wells War of the Worlds, which I happened to hear on the radio when I was seven. But remember that it was just one in a series of literary adaptations, and the spectacular public response to it did not incline CBS to repeat the experiment.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Not until the early 50s did any network attempt to a regular primetime science fiction series. Even then, NBC did its best to kill it by moving it around from day to day, time slot to time slot. But X Minus one and its predecessor, Dimension X, proved that radio could still tell stories that television, still in its technological infancy, could not. Highlights include the Cold Equations, Robert A. Heinlein's the Green Hills of Earth, and numerous stories by Ray Bradbury, including There Will Come Soft Rains and Mars Is Heaven.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Through most of radio's history, science fiction meant weekday children's programming. Buck Rogers rocketed from the newspaper comics to the radio, followed by that mysterious aviator, Captain Midnight, and that brand new comic book feature, Superman.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Hey kids, it's time again for Rory Rammer, Space Marshall. Come away with us now to the far off future days of 1985 AD after men have landed on the moon, when space marshal Rory Rammer and his sidekick Skip Sagan guard the rule of law and the rights of the innocent

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

from the skies of Earth to the

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

orbit of the moon.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Today's episode, the Last Vampire. As we join Rory and Skip aboard the rocket ship Silver Star, the they are racing to intercept a strange intruder from the utmost depths of space.

[Professor Feynman]

Fourteen hundred kilometers in closing, Professor. We'll be up on it in a few minutes.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Shouldn't we be able to see something by now, Professor Feynman?

[Professor / Scientist]

You would think so. When I first spotted the object on Science Station Galileo's deep sky radar, I estimated it to be at least 100 meters across. Would you crank up the magnification on the televideoscope, Cadet Sagan?

[Professor Feynman]

She's turned up as far as she'll go, Professor.

[Professor / Scientist]

And yet all we can see is this tiny dot. Well, the only explanation is that the object must be almost perfectly reflective to radar waves as well as light. We'll know in a few minutes. But let me thank you again, Marshall, for letting us use Silver Star to investigate this fascinating phenomenon. Happy to, Professor.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Normally, we wouldn't use a space marshal ship this way, but when you told me that the object would plunge into the sun in less than 36 hours.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

And thank you for convincing Daddy I should be allowed to come along, Marshall.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Delighted, Chrysa.

[Professor / Scientist]

I lost a lot of arguments with my daughter, but I still don't understand how I lost.

[Professor Feynman]

Here we go, Professor. The picture's coming in clearer now. It's tumbling, but it looks like a man.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

A silver man with the broadest shoulders and the tiniest waist.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Uh, yeah. How tall is it, Skip?

[Professor Feynman]

A little under 2 meters. I think we can bring it aboard. Even with the arms sticking up like that. What do you know? The first object from outside the solar system, and it turns out to be somebody's park statue. Pull it your way, will you, Rory? This thing's hard to get a grip on. It's slick as glass.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

It is a statue honoring some alien race's great hero. It has to be a piece of art. No real creature has a physique like that. And the face, though, there's something a little cruel about it.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

I guess so, if you like that sort of thing, Professor. What's it made of?

[Professor / Scientist]

I suspect it's not a material object at all. This could very well be some sort of force field following the surface of an object.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

A statue?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Not a live creature.

[Professor / Scientist]

A man once living, perhaps, but there's no telling how old it is. Surely whatever was inside has long since crumbled into dust. Once the force field was formed, how could it be broken?

[Professor Feynman]

Gee, professor, what's this little button?

[Professor / Scientist]

What?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Where?

[Professor Feynman]

Right here, in the middle of his chest.

[Professor / Scientist]

Well, it might be some sort of activation device. On. Off. Switch. Possibly triggered by a radio signal. Or polarized.

[Professor Feynman]

Or maybe by pushing it like this.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Well, I don't think that's a good knock, Ishvard.

[Professor / Scientist]

I may as well be the one to say it. Welcome. I am Professor Erwin Feynman. And you are?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Kalilar Dolph, Master of the world. What? I was until this morning when my traitorous subordinates deposed me and encased me in the stasis shell.

[Professor Feynman]

Stasis shell?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

A force field that freezes the passage of time for whatever it is within it. I gather I was in stasis for a while. Likely the cowards kept me on a public display as a trophy.

[Professor / Scientist]

And then your subordinates shot you into space.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Into. I cannot make out your words. What do you mean?

[Professor Feynman]

Travel to other planets? Your people didn't do space travel, did they?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Why should we? The world held all we needed, Professor.

[Professor Feynman]

If he wasn't shot into space, that means he must have stood where he was until his planet crumbled away around him. Millions of years. Or billions.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Though perhaps we were mistaken if space held such exotic females as I see before me now.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Chrysophyme and. Your Majesty. Ow. It's not our custom to nip when we kiss a hand.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I always do.

[Professor Feynman]

Mr. Caliard, how is it that you can speak English?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

By reaching into your minds and drawing out your words.

[Professor / Scientist]

Excellent. Then you can tell us about your species. Your appearance is striking. Your arms and shoulders.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

We are powerful people, physically as well as mentally.

[Professor / Scientist]

Evolved from carnivores, I should think. Yet your abdomen is so slender it hardly seems capable of holding a meat eater's digestive organs.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Digestion?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

How crude.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Something none of my people have bothered with for eons.

[Professor Feynman]

Then how do you.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

We do not eat, but we feed on. We let our cattle eat and digest and then we feed on them. On the richness of their blood by the powder of our arms. Hold it right there. And our minds. Matorama, you will find you cannot move that hand that holds your primitive energy weapon any more than your companions Professor Daddy and Skip Sagan can move. But you, my dear little thing, may struggle as you wish like a dinner that puts up a fight.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Kaliwar, stop. If you want blood? Drink mine. Leave Chrissa alone.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

No, no.

[Professor Feynman]

Mine.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

All this is turning out to be a better day than it started out. As one world lost, another gained. A world of cattle who line up begging to be drained. Tell me, caf, why should I tap you first?

[Professor Feynman]

Because you just woke up and you need something light in the morning.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I grant your you, Mr. Criss. Stay right there. I'll be back for you. A strange alien taste, but hot and salty. Oh, yes, yes, this will nourish me for. Bleh, bleh, bleh.

[Professor / Scientist]

He appears to be dead, but of what?

[Professor Feynman]

Anaphylactic shock, I think. What allergies. After all, he's not a Venusian or a Martian. He's really alien from outside the solar system. I guessed he'd be allergic to the proteins in our blood. Violently allergic.

[Professor / Scientist]

Now why didn't I think of that? I should have thought of it. After all, I'm the scientist around here. I'm supposed to explain things.

[Professor Feynman]

Don't feel bad, professor. After all, you're a physicist. This was biology.

[Professor / Scientist]

And what are your qualifications as an extraterrestrial biologist?

[Professor Feynman]

Eh, well, I did get a first aid merit badge in the space Scouts.

[Professor / Scientist]

Merit badge.

[Professor Feynman]

And I have really bad allergies myself, so. First aid?

[Professor / Scientist]

What sort of academic qualification is that?

[Professor Feynman]

Now calm down, doc.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

So how come you didn't think of that, Marshall?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Look, I would have let him bite me instead of you. I asked him to bite me. It would have worked out just the same. My blood would have killed him just as fast as Skip's, maybe faster.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

But that was just macho posturing on your part. Skip was the one who figured it out.

[Professor / Scientist]

Hey.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Who was making goo goo eyes at the bloodsucker from outer space?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

What?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Who was leaning over as far as she could?

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

And that's all for today's episode of Rory Rammer, Space Marshall the Last Vampire. Tune in next time when we hear

[Professor / Scientist]

Professor Feynman say he was the last of his species and now their fire has gone out of the universe forever.

[Professor Feynman]

Oh, come on, Professor. It's not like he was the only alien you've ever seen. And this guy and his relatives make Venusians look like little angels. Good riddance.

[Professor / Scientist]

It's true what they say. Extinction is forever.

[Professor Feynman]

Yeah, well, you know what I say? Dodo's is good eatin'. That's what I say.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

That's next time on yeah.

[Professor / Scientist]

Yeah. From the skies of Earth to the

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

orbit of the moon.

[Professor / Scientist]

Rory Rammer, Space Marshall.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Characters in a play do things. They move, they walk, they open Doors, they answer telephones, they fight, they fall down the stairs, they shoot each other. All of these things make noise. If the sound isn't there, the drama isn't there, and these sounds have to happen on cue.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

The sound effects man is an actor, but the character he portrays is the inanimate world of scenery and props with which the voice talent interacts.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

With a pair of shoes, we can tell the listener not only that someone is coming, but how he's coming leisurely, furtively, or running for his life.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Doors are good for knocking on, for being locked, or for breaking down, as the story demands.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Since many of Artsy's most popular stories have been horror, we're often called upon to produce the sounds of various physical tortures and injuries. Our first stop is the produce section of the local grocery store. When Dr. Moreau coldly demonstrates that pain is such a little thing by driving a knife into his own leg. We're ready with a kitchen knife and a cucumber

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

when he breaks the puma's leg in order to reshape it. Well, that was more of a challenge. Carrots are too crisp, but celery is just wet and stringy enough for a nice organic sound.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

And later, when they beat the puma's head in, we used a blunt stick on a watermelon. The rind cracked satisfyingly on the first blow and the wet, soggy innards gave us a nice bat on following blows. But we'll spare you that now.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

The thunderball is the simplest effect we've ever done, and yet it's among the most effective. It's all well and good to have a thunderstorm on tape, but sometimes you need a nice big crack of thunder at just the right point in the dialogue. There are better ways to do it in the studio, but the thunderball travels well. It's just a child's punch bag filled with BBS

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

spill.

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[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

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social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

It was raining. It had been raining for a week. Business was slow. You didn't have to wonder why. I was staring out the office window when the help came in.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, poor Philip.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

That's me. Philip, Meowlo P.I. p. Investigator.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Does my poor feely really want to go outside?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

I hate it when she does that. It's so embarrassing for her. Not a chance, baby cakes. It's a cold, wet world out there.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Mama wants us to go out for a little while. Filly, Willy, you stay right there in the window and out of the kitchen.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Stay out of the kitchen, huh? Well, that leaves me no choice but to.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Ow. Ow. Ow.

[Professor / Scientist]

My ankles.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

All four of them. A 19 pound cat should watch what he jumps off of. No time for self pity right now. Later, sure, but right now. The kitchen called in a quavering, seductive voice.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Ow.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

That hurt too. But I meant to do that. The kitchen door was latched. I didn't know what was on the other side. But it had to be good. Something I needed to find out about. When I need to find out about things I can't get my paws on, I go to my informant, Pedro the Chihuahua.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Hey, Philip. Hey, Philip, what's happening? Que pasa, Philip?

[SpinQuest Announcer]

You tell me, amigo.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Kitchen door through the living room is locked. Bet you know what's going on though, don't you?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Party. Party. Party. Oh, tonight. Tonight.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Party. That was bad news. Lots of strange humans cluttering up my office. Maybe even human kittens with their grabby hands. Darn, why couldn't we cats be the ones to develop opposable thumbs?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Know something else? No. Something else.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Calm down, Pedro, before the floor needs mopping. So tell me, what do you know?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Dining room door. Dining room door.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

The other door into the kitchen. Yeah. What about the dining room door?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Not latched all the way. Not latched all.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Why, Pedro, what a smart dog you are to know that.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

You know what else? I bet if we both hit that door at a dead run, it would pop right open. And then we could find out what sort of yummy stuff is in there. Come on, Pedro. Come on, boy. We'll both run right at the door. One, two, three, go. Hey, way to go, Pedro. Good dog. Sorry I couldn't be there with you, but my old war wound acted out yeah, yeah.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

It's okay. It's okay.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Nothing on the floor. Maybe up on the counter. And there it was. The stuff that dreams are made of.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Smoked salmon.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Lovely, lovely locks. Pink gold. A whole platter of it. And all just for me.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

What about me?

[Professor / Scientist]

Oh, no.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Sure, pal. Hop on up here and get some. Jeez, if the help's pack, I gotta think fast. Need a plan. Hey, Pedro. Changed my mind. Here's some goodies for ya.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, thanks, Phil. Thanks, Phil. You're a great guy. You're a great guy.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Face. Eat your face off, pal. Excuse me, gotta go. Have to get back to the office.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Now. Where in the world. Pedro. Bad dog. Bad dog.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Back to the office. Put my feet up. All four of them. Wish it would quit raining so I could catch some rays. Wish Pedro would shut up. Wonder what's for dinner. Another case closed for Philip Miaolo. PI.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

The Atlanta Radio Theater Company was founded in 1984 by radio personality William L. Brown and actor director Patrick Stansberry. They incorporated Artsy as a non profit educational corporation dedicated to the production and distribution of quality audio drama.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

We began with a weekly hour on WGST and spent the mid-80s bouncing around from station to station.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

In the summer of 1987, we began a long and rewarding association with DragonCon, which has become, as you all know, the largest science fiction, fantasy and horror convention in the country. Also in 1987, Artsy introduced the Centauri Express Audio magazine, releasing our productions on audiotape and now on CDs as well,

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

some of which we have for you all to peruse, which we hope you will do. As our catalog has grown, so is our profile. Until now, Artsy is among the premier audio theater companies in the country.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

We take advantage of advancing technology to integrate recorded sound effects in our live shows in ways that were unthinkable just

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

a few years ago thanks to advanced technology. And now we have Unresolved mysteries solved. While you wait. Art Bell, Whitley Strieber, Leo Sprinkle. These and other distinguished radio talk show host wacko horror fiction writers and amateur amateur hypnotherapists contend by the hundreds of thousands, even millions of Americans have been kidnapped by UFOs, subjected to weird medical experiments and genetic experiments and returned to earth with their memories erased. Now, what is really going on? Unresolved Mysteries will find out the truth about UFO abductions tonight.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Good evening, this is Daniel Kiernan and Claire Whitworth Kiernan for Unresolved Mysteries Solved While you Wait. Tonight we're in a field outside Olothe Kansas waiting to be kidnapped by a ufo.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

And how, you may ask, do we know we'll be kidnapped by a ufo?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Simple.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

For the past two weeks, our Unresolved Mysteries team has been systematically destroying every camera, camcorder and radar transmitter within a radius of 150 miles from this very field.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

To cap it off, 45 minutes ago, we faked a spill of nerve gas from a tanker truck on I70 outside of Lawrence, Kansas, 25 miles upwind of our location. So 95% of the inhabitants of eastern Kansas are cowering in their storm cellars, breathing through wet towels. What it all adds up to, what

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

all this adds up to is that there is just about no possibility of any photos, videotapes, radar sightings or eyewitness testimony to back up our story if we are abducted. Perfect conditions for the appearances of UFOs.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

So all we have to do is wait and look up in the sky.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

It's a bird.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

It's a plane.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

It's a brilliant light in the sky. And it's coming closer. Closer. Now I can see that. It's a huge glowing sphere. Still closer. And now it's hovering just right over us.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Two to beam up, Scotty.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Wow.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

So this is what the inside of an alien starship looks like. How would you describe it, Claire?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Hmm, not unlike being inside a pearlescent lava lamp. Kind of tacky really.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Well, not everything looks like a lava lamp.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

No, I used to have some plastic chairs like those. Sold them at a garage sale for five bucks. They were so 70s.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Doubtless those just look like plastic chairs. You know, I bet they're really the products of advanced technology so far beyond anything.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

You know, I think those are my chairs. One of them had a bent leg just like them. Hey.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Hey, what happened to our clothes?

[Professor / Scientist]

Hey, give us back our clothes.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Yeah, it's cold in here.

[Professor / Scientist]

Whoa.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Yeah, I can tell you're cold.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Will you be a gentleman for once in your life and turn your back?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

No time for that now. Hey, one of the crew just floated into the compartment. How would you describe her?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Why should I bother? Everybody knows what they look like. Four feet tall, gray skinned, big bald skull, snake eyes. Hey, you little. Twerk. Give me back my clothes.

[Professor / Scientist]

Ah, fun.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

And what is that supposed to mean?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I can hear his voice on my head. He's communicating with me by telepathy.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

With you? Why not with me?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Well, probably they needed a superior intellect who could turn in on their brain waves and oh, well, he says no, that I'm just practically gullible.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Ah, these Little guys are smarter than they look. Now what?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Turn my head and cough.

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Right.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

Mom.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, God. It's the physical exam.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

What now the other side.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Why don't you stick that thing, fella?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

He says that we're not genetically suitable. We don't have any interesting defects like diabetes or the belief that we're going to win the lottery.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, fine. I don't want to have his baby anyway.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

But they would like to talk to us about term life insurance.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

I want my clothes.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

He says that we'll get him back, but first they're going to erase our memories.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

All of it?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

No, just the last few minutes.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Oh, that. You can have that. Would you like my senior prom, too? I've been trying to forget that for years.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Oh, by my watch, we've been standing here for most of an hour. And Hello. And no UFOs yet.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Excuse me.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I guess we'll just have to give it up to lost cause and.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Do I know you?

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

No.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I was about to ask you the same thing.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

I think I remember a guy who wears one earring.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

I have an earring.

[Professor Feynman]

Ow.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Yeah. Left ear. Well, it's pretty grungy. Looking more like a tag than an earring.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Hey, you got one, too.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Ow. You're right. Are you sure you don't remember my name?

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Sorry, no. You know, I do seem to remember that you look cute naked, though. Ow.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

I think that's just about enough out of you, fella. I may not remember my name, but I don't put up with that sort of stuff in the workplace.

[Professor Feynman]

Ow.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Hey, that's it. I remember my name.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

Now what is it?

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

Monica Lewinsky.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

No, it doesn't sound right. I think the top of your head would be flatter. Anyway, this is Daniel something or other.

[Chrysa / Monica Lewinsky / Pedro the Chihuahua]

And Monica Lewinsky.

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

And that's all this week for the X Files. No. Maybe it's Roswell. Whatever. Until next week, good night.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

There are two kinds of groups currently practicing radio drama. Most of them are like artsy small companies performing for the pure love of the medium.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

And then there are the big boys. Like that guy up in Minnesota you hear every Saturday night. He sometimes works with no sound effects at all. Only one leisurely voice.

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[Professor Feynman]

Really?

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[Professor / Scientist]

Well, it's been a quiet week in Arkham, Massachusetts, my hometown up there north of Boston, where the hills rise wild. It started off looking like kind of a wet week. We had heavy rain Sunday afternoon and Monday, the kind of rain we get where it comes down like pitchforks. And the old New England bachelor farmers sat around in the Hot Box Cafe drinking black coffee, wondering why it couldn't have rained like this maybe four or five months ago when they could have used it. It's too late now, the crops are all in and all the rain does for those old guys is to make the them cranky, crankier. Sure would have been nice if it had rained like this back in May, they say. Would have had some good crops then, you betcha. Now they've had a good crop, just about the best anyone in these parts can recall. But if you're a New England bachelor farmer and you don't complain about the weather, your friends start planning your funeral. There's a man who's given up his interest in life. We did have a little bit of excitement that began early in the week. Monday night or Tuesday night. I think it was Tuesday. It was raining hard on Monday and by Tuesday it had cleared up. Well, now that I think about it, it seems like it was. Yeah, I'm certain It was about 11 o' clock Tuesday night when the Whateley boy, Wilbur, turned into a tentacled horror from beyond of the stars in the Alice K. Peavey Memorial Reading Room of the Miskatonic University Library. He's always been a big boy for his age, but he was nine his last birthday and at that time stood nine feet, half an inch in his bare feet. But we didn't remember him having a dozen tentacles sprouting out of his midriff before, or having eyes all over his chest and the back the way he did, or being covered in shaggy black fur from the waist down. Though knowing my people, we are a modest people, it's not so surprising that we didn't know over in the gym at Miskatonic, the guys locker room is the only college locker room I've ever seen that has individual shower stalls with locking doors for each player. It's an extravagance, but we're shy people. We do not care to witness anything about each other that we do not choose to show off in public. A little extravagance is acceptable in the name of modesty. Anyway, Wilbur changed from being a tall, husky boy to being a horror from beyond all known planes of time and space. But that wasn't what got the town stirred up, because of course, we know the Whateleys. We always suspected something like this was going to happen one day. I think the first person to learn what had happened to Wilbur might have been Lyle Peabody, the coach of the Miskatonic Mystics football team. He was out taking a long, lonely walk on Tuesday night to avoid his loving wife, Clarice. Coach Peabody's team, the Miskatonic Mystics, they've had a rough fall. So far they've been. They're better now than they were last year at this time. So far this season they're over five and last year they were over seven. That's because the first week in September, a meteorite hit the football field and blasted out a 30 foot deep sinkhole on the 50 yard line. And until they filled that in, they had to cancel a couple of games. Anyway, Lyle, Coach Peabody was facing another losing season and he wanted to go out for a walk and clear his head because he was afraid his wife, Clarice, was going to say something sympathetic and he wasn't sure he could take it. He'd been married to clarice for about 22 years now and he knows her pretty well. So he knows that when Clarice serves up a New England boiled dinner on a Tuesday evening, she's about to commiserate with him on the football season. Lyle can't take that because Clarice is just so dumb about some things. She'll say, well, why don't you call Coach Rasmussen and ask him to have his team take it easy on the boys next Saturday? He's your friend. He'll do it. Dumb. But Lyle knows by now that the worst mistake he can make is to correct his wife. So he goes for long, lonely walks instead. And while he was passing the library on his walk, about 10 of 11 on Tuesday night, he heard Ramses, Professor Armitage's dog, barking and growling and sounding as if he were having some kind of dog fit in the library. Professor Armitage is the head librarian and he keeps Ramses in the library as a watchdog. He says, really it's because Ramses has a habit of sticking his head under the covers after midnight and investigating whatever he finds there. And that is a healthy dog with a very cold nose. Anyway, Professor Armitage and Lyle and some of the other faculty went rushing in. And there lying on the floor was Wilbur Whateley, 9ft 9 years old, 9ft tall, was 12 or 13 tentacles coming out of his middle, and Ramses had killed him. And looking down at the body with all its tentacles, Lyell thought, oh, dear God. Why, why, why did you take this boy? We need a wide receiver who has some chance of catching a long pass. It isn't fair. Just, just, just isn't fair. Now, you know, in some places, if a nine year old boy went through a metamorphosis like that in the middle of the reading room, we might shake people up. But in my town we can handle that, because of course, we know the Whaley's. I think it might cause a stir if it happened in Boston or Providence, maybe even in certain neighborhoods of New York City. But it's just the kind of thing my town takes in stride. So Wilbur's transformation didn't cause much of an uproar. No, the reason people in my town were excited is that the next day, that's Wednesday, Professor Armitage from the university called in some friends of his from Harvard, and they came into town with some alchemical equipment and mysterious powders and chemicals. And up on top of Signal Hill, they banished the great old one, Yog Sothoth, to the outer darkness. And of course, that did get the town all excited, because up here we don't get tourists from Boston all that often. Mavis in the Hotbox Cafe said it seemed sort of like Christmas. I guess for her, in a way it did. But then you can just look at Mavis and you know that she's been waiting for some kind of package for a long time now. She tried her best to tug at a ribbon. She served one of those Boston visitors her coffee. Mavis coffee has been known to make a dying man revive and ask for a second cup. And she put a slice of her Boston cream pie in front of him. But that fellow had just seen Yog Sothoth manifest on Signal Hill, and he didn't have much appetite for anything. He just looked at the pie and then he pushed it away. Finally, he and the other men from Boston got in their car and they drove off. And Mavis stood in the door of the Hotbox Cafe. And watched him drive away. And she thought, what's the matter with me? Am I too ugly that some man will look at me twice? No man will look at me twice. Am I just trying too hard? But then she thought of Lavinie Whateley, Wilbur's mother. Lavinie had been an albino, the product of about nine or 10 generations of Whateley inbreeding. She wasn't right in the head. She laughed at strange things, and her little pink eyes didn't focus right, and her. Her nose was about eight times too big for her face, and she didn't have any chin at all. And you know, thinking about Lavini made Mavis feel a little bit better. After all, Lavinia Whateley finally landed herself a Fellow. Of course, he was an Eldritch being from the spaces beyond the stars, but

[Alien Character / Daniel Kiernan]

still,

[Professor / Scientist]

Lavinia Waitley found herself a Fellow. Just then, Lyle Peabody came into the Hot Box for lunch, still looking pretty downcast. It was an awful thing, wasn't it? Mavis asked him. Well, yes, it certainly was. One good wide receiver. And who knows, The Mystics might even get on the scoreboard next game. But Lyle didn't say that. He just sighed and said, yep, we're taste people. We keep our troubles to ourselves. Mavis smiled at him and brought out a big cup of coffee and gave him the piece of pie the man from Boston couldn't face. Told him it was on the house. Cheer up, she said. It could be worse. She was feeling better. She was feeling that if Lavinia Whateley could get herself a Fellow, well, there's hope for us all. And that's the way I feel, too. There's hope for us all. Christmas will get here in time. It could be worse. That's the news from Arkham, Massachusetts, where all the men are Eldritch, all the women are uncanny, and all the children are from dimensions outside the time and space that we know.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Oh, thank you very much. Our time is now gone, and we barely scratched the surface of the medium. That's audio theater. If you'd like to hear more, try our tapes and CDs, which are for sale after the meeting.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

In addition to comedy, we have classic cars such as Thomas E. Fuller's the Passion of Frankenstein.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

And from the Dean's List, you can listen to Robert A. Heinlein's the man who Traveled in Elephants and lots more. Today's shows were written by Ron N. Butler, Daniel Taylor and Daniel Kiernan, and Brad Strickland, our cast included. Oh, that's me. That's you. I'm reading your line. Sorry, dear. Our cast included David Benedict, Matt Staccato,

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Claire Kiernan, Daniel Kiernan, Jack Mayfield. Jack has left already.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Daniel Taylor and Karen Wilbanks.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

The Foley artists were Daniel Taylor, Karen Wilbanks and Lily.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

The sound techs were David Carter and Bill Rich.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

Music was composed and performed by Brad Weege.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

The show was directed by William Allen Rich.

[SpinQuest Legal Disclaimer / Narrator]

And we are your hosts, Phil Carter and Joyce Lee. And we are the Atlanta Radio Theater Company.

[Professor / Scientist]

Good day.

[Narrator / Philip Miaolo]

You've been listening to a show performed for the Atlanta Science Fiction Society by the Atlanta Radio Theater Company. All material is copyright by its creators or the Atlanta radio theatre company.

[Radio Drama Historian / Narrator]

Artc.org.

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