Atlanta Radio Theatre Company - Frontier Days

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Atlanta Radio Theatre Company – Frontier Days
Date: March 19, 2026
Host/Featured Group: Atlanta Radio Theatre Company (ARTC)

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Overview

This special episode showcases three live performances by the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company, originally staged at Stone Mountain Park's Frontier Days Festival in 2004. The theme—Georgia between the Revolutionary War and the Civil War—prompted the troupe, typically known for science fiction and fantasy, to create 11 new historically inspired audio plays. The episode highlights three dramatized selections:

1. A Sage Conversation by Augustus Baldwin Longstreet
2. A Feast at Sycamore Grove by Bill Arp (Charles Henry Smith)
3. The Triumph of Natural Justice by Ron N. Butler

Each offers a glimpse into Georgia’s past, bringing humor, local color, and a spirit of community to life through carefully adapted period tales.

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Key Segments and Insights

Introduction and Context

[00:37-01:45]

• Narrator welcomes listeners and sets the scene for the special Frontier Days show.
• ARTC was tasked with depicting Georgia’s history from post-Revolution to pre-Civil War.
• Writers rose to the challenge, crafting original scripts that blend history, satire, and folk wisdom.

Quote:
“Our writers are truly to be commended for rising to the occasion and providing us with material on such short notice.” — Narrator (01:32)

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Segment 1: A Sage Conversation

[01:45-10:31]

Background

• Centers on Augustus Baldwin Longstreet, Georgia humorist and author of Georgia Scenes.
• Portrays rural life and the peculiarities of local gossip and logic.

Dramatization Highlights

• Ned Brace & Jeremiah Long stop at a roadside home, where a conversation after supper turns to unusual marriages.
• Local matrons get wrapped up in a tall tale about “two men who got married and raised children,” leading to comically earnest attempts to untangle the story.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “The strangest match that I ever heard of was that of George Scott and David Snow, two most excellent men who became so much attached to each other that they actually got married.” — Townsperson (03:53)
• “In the name of sense, what did the man mean by saying they raised a fine passel of children?” — Townsperson (05:39)
• The punchline: the two men were both widowers, with children from previous marriages, stumping the ladies' logic until the next morning.
• “They were both widowers before they fell in love with each other and got married.” — Townsperson (10:09)

Takeaway

A witty send-up of rural storytelling—how rumors, misunderstandings, and tall tales create comic confusion in close-knit communities.

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Segment 2: A Feast at Sycamore Grove

[11:34-17:07]

Background

• Derived from Bill Arp’s “letters,” mixing nostalgia, frontier humor, and gentle social commentary.
• Reminiscent of community gatherings and life’s simple pleasures.

Dramatization Highlights

• Narrator recounts organizing a barbecue in a sycamore grove to please Mrs. Arp, inviting family and friends.
• Describes preparations, the barbecue and stew, and the various social rituals of the feast—from boasting hunters to the joys and quirks of married life.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “Cleanliness is a good thing, I know, and the Scriptures say it is next to Godliness. If that's so, then I know some old women who are might nigh sanctified already..." — Bill Arp (12:18)
• “The ribs are the best part of anything, I reckon. This is why a woman is so sweet. For she was made of a rib while man was made of dirt.” — Bill Arp (14:50)
• “Can't fool a married woman with yarns.” — Bill Arp (15:47)

Takeaway

A charming and affectionate portrait of rural Southern life, emphasizing the importance of community, tradition, and domestic humor.

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Segment 3: The Triumph of Natural Justice

[17:07-29:29]

Background

• Set during Georgia’s gold rush (pre-Civil War), in the rough, lawless town that would become Dahlonega.
• Explores the concept of “natural justice” in a setting without formal legal systems.

Dramatization Highlights

• A keg of whiskey is stolen; suspicions fall on a Yankee, Jeremiah Long, who’s subjected to “natural justice” by Judge Delmar T. Claghorn.
• The mock trial reveals misunderstandings and farcical local jurisprudence; the accused must stand atop the whiskey keg with a noose around his neck until sundown.
• The joke culminates with the whiskey found to be only water—Jeremiah Long has cleverly made off with the real spirits.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “I have established myself here at Micklethwaite’s Tavern as a magistrate of natural justice.” — Judge Delmar T. Claghorn (20:20)
• “Natural justice is the original and unblemished law by which mankind lived in Eden before the fall…” — Jeremiah Long (20:50)
• “A bald and unconvincing narrative lacking in verisimilitude indeed. Court will now pronounce sentence.” — Judge Delmar T. Claghorn (22:47)
• “You idiots. It's so smooth because it's spring water.” — Judge Delmar T. Claghorn (26:43)
• “It is only natural that the man of keenest mind and boldest heart walk away the winner. And here, and tonight, that man is Jeremiah Long.” — Jeremiah Long (27:55)

Takeaway

A sly, satirical rendering of justice on the frontier—where wit trumps formal law, and locals both lampoon and reinforce their own authority.

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Memorable Moments

• Comedic misunderstanding: The rural matrons’ inability to comprehend two men “raising children together” without suspecting a tale of female disguise or scandal.
• Barbecue scene: Evocative, affectionate evocation of a Georgia feast, complete with humorous reflections on married life, food, and neighborly tall tales.
• Water keg twist: Jeremiah Long’s outsmarting the locals by switching whiskey for water—culminating in the “victory” of natural cunning over legalistic bluster.

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Intro & Show Background: 00:37
• A Sage Conversation (begins): 03:03
• Revelation of the marriage misunderstanding: 10:09
• A Feast at Sycamore Grove (begins): 11:34
• Opening of The Triumph of Natural Justice: 17:07
• Natural Justice speech: 20:50
• Courtroom scene climax: 22:47
• Revelation of the water keg: 26:43
• Final comedic remarks and wrap-up: 28:34-29:34

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Conclusion

This episode is a delightful exploration of Georgia’s history through wit, storytelling, and live performance. The company’s embrace of historical humor, satire, and communal memory brings the past to life. Fans of old-time radio, Southern folklore, and classic American storytelling will find it richly entertaining and evocative of a vanished era—where cleverness, good food, and community were the stuff of adventure.

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Recommended for:
Listeners interested in classic American humor, historic dramatizations, or the spirit of old-time radio theatre.

Transcript

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel and I am inviting you to witness history as me and my How We Do It Gaming team take on Gilly the king and wallow. $267 million gaming in an epic Global Gaming League video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail] that's globalgamingleague.com everybody.

[Megan McCardell]

Games.

[Narrator]

Welcome again to the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company's podcast. This week we revisit our show at Stone Mountain park for their Frontier Days Festival, performed on the plantation grounds on May 1, 2004. When we were approached with the invitation to perform at the festival, we were very excited to get the opportunity. Then we found out the theme Georgia between the Revolutionary War and the Civil War, with our specialties lying in the realms of science fiction, fantasy and horror. Our selection of material that was suitable was a bit thin, but then we found ourselves seized by the pioneering spirit, if you'll pardon the pun, and we refused to allow a mere lack of programming to stop us from being a part of the event. 11 new audio scripts were conceptualized, written, rehearsed and rewritten over the course of three months, overlapping our other projects. Our writers are truly to be commended for rising to the occasion and providing us with material on such short notice. We begin with a short history, which bridges us into A Sage Conversation by Augustus Baldwin Longstreet Then A Feast at Sycamore Grove by Bill Arp

[Daniel Taylor]

after the Revolution was won, the movement west across Georgia continued, and after 50 more years, the state was beginning to look almost civilized. Instead of a society of hunters and lonely pioneer farmers, you could now find lawyers, lawyers, politicians, more lawyers, newspaper editors, and plantation owners scattered across the fields and hills of Georgia.

[Megan McCardell]

Could we rethink this?

[Daniel Taylor]

Too late. Much, much too late. Well, one such early notable was Augustus Baldwin Longstreet, lawyer and politician and newspaper

[Megan McCardell]

editor and judge and state legislator and president of Emory University. We're very proud of him. So proud we hardly ever mentioned that his parents were from New Jersey and

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

he was educated at Yale.

[Daniel Taylor]

In 1835, he published a book, Georgia Scenes, Characters, Incidents, etc. In the first Half of the Republic, a collection of 20 stories about the people and society of the state at that time. And we've drawn on it very heavily for this show.

[Megan McCardell]

All of the stories are charming, many

[Daniel Taylor]

are timeless, and a few of them are distressingly, well, modern Case in point,

[Megan McCardell]

a Sage Conversation by Augustus Baldwin Longstreet. Adapted by Daniel Taylor.

[Jeremiah Long]

I was traveling with my old friend Ned Brace, when we stopped at the dusk of the evening at a house on the roadside for the night. Here we found three nice, tidy, aged matrons, the youngest of whom could not have been under 60. One of them, of course, was the lady of the house, whose husband, old as he was, had gone from home upon a land exploring expedition. She received us hospitably, had our horses well attended to, and soon prepared for us a comfortable supper. It was immediately after I had looked at my watch in token of my disposition to retire for the night, that the conversation turned upon marriages. Happy and unhappy, strange, unequal runaways, etc.

[Townsperson]

The strangest match that I ever heard of was that of George Scott and David Snow, Two most excellent men who became so much attached to each other that they actually got married.

The lackaday.

And was it really a fact?

Oh, yes, ma'.

[Daniel Taylor]

Am.

[Townsperson]

I knew them very well and often went to their house. And no people could have lived happier or managed better than they did. And they raised a lovely parcel of children. As fine a set as ever I saw. Except their youngest son, Billy. He was a little wild, but upon the whole, a right clever boy himself. You knew those two men, didn't you, there, Baldwin?

[Jeremiah Long]

Where did they live?

[Townsperson]

Why, they lived down there on Cedar Creek, close by Jacob Denman's. Their daughter Nancy married John Clark.

[Daniel Taylor]

You.

[Townsperson]

You knew him very well?

[Jeremiah Long]

Oh, yes, I knew John Clark very well. His wife was a most excellent woman.

[Townsperson]

Well, the boys were just as clever for boys as she was for girl. Except Bill. And I never heard anything very bad of him unless it was his laughing in church. That put me more out of conceit of him than anything I ever knew of him. Well, now, we must take an early start tomorrow, and I'm tired. Come, friend Balton. We're setting up. Too late for travelers.

[Jeremiah Long]

Probably right, though. Good night, ladies.

[Townsperson]

Good night to you and our thanks again for your hospitality, Mrs. Reed. Good night.

[Daniel Taylor]

Thank you.

[Townsperson]

Didn't that man say them was two men that got married to one another?

It seemed to me so.

[Daniel Taylor]

Why, to be sure he did. I know he said so, but he said what their names was.

[Townsperson]

Well, in the name of sense. What did the man mean by saying they raised a fine passel of children?

[Daniel Taylor]

Why, bless your heart, soul, honey. That's what I've been thinking about. It seems mighty curious to me somehow or other. I can't study it out no how.

[Townsperson]

The man must be joking.

[Daniel Taylor]

Certainly. No, he wasn't joking. For I looked at him and he was just as much in earnest as anybody I ever seed. And besides, I mean no Christian man would tell such a story in that solemn way. And didn't you hear that other man say he knew that their daughter Nancy.

[Townsperson]

But law missy. Ms. Reed, it can't be so. It doesn't stand to reason. Don't you know it don't?

[Daniel Taylor]

Well, I wouldn't think so. But it's hard for me somehow to dispit to dispute a Christian man's word.

[Townsperson]

I've been thinking the thing all over in my mind and I reckon. Now I don't say that it is so, for I don't know nothing at all about it. But I reckon that one of them men was a woman dressed in men's clothes. For I've often heard of women doing them things and falling their true love to the wars and being a waitin boy to em and all sich.

Well maybe it is somehow in that way. But law me twould have been obliged to been found out, don't you know it? Would only think how many children she had. Now it stands to reason that at some time or other it must have been found out.

[Daniel Taylor]

Well, I'm an old woman anyhow and I reckon the good man won't mind what an old woman says to him. So bless the Lord if I live to see the morning, I'll ask him about it.

[Townsperson]

Now, just before me and my old man was married there was a gal named Nancy Mountcastle. She was a mighty likely gal. I knowed her mighty well. She dressed herself up in men's clothes and followed Jemmy Darden from Petan Kink and King and Queen clean up to Loudon.

And did he marry her?

Oh no, Jimmy didn't marry her. Pity he didn't, poor thing.

[Daniel Taylor]

Well, I know the gal on the Tar river done the same thing. She followed Moses Rusher way down somewhere in the south state.

[Townsperson]

And what did he do?

[Daniel Taylor]

Ah, Lord bless your soul, honey, I can't tell you what he did bad enough.

[Townsperson]

Well now it seems to me. I don't know much about it, but it seems to me men don't like to marry gals that take on that way. It looks like it puts him out of conceit of them.

I know one man that married a woman that followed him from Carolina to this state but she didn't dress herself in men's clothes. You both know him. You know Simpson's Simpson, Trotty's sister and Rachel's Son Ruben. Twas him and his wife.

Oh, I know them mighty well.

Yeah, well, it was his wife. She followed him out to this state.

Oh, I know them all mighty well. Her daughter Lucy was the littlest teeny bit of a thing when it was born I ever did see. But they tell me that when I was born. Now, I don't know anything about it myself, but the old folks used to tell me that when I was born they put me in a quart mug and Martin covered me up in it.

[Jeremiah Long]

The lack of Disney the next morning was when we rose from our beds. We found the good ladies sitting round the fire just as I left them, for they rose long before us. At least I hope they did not spend the entire night reconfirming the entire family tree in this end of the state in search of the improbable branch of which Ned Brace had told them. Mrs. Barney was just in the act of exclaiming.

[Townsperson]

Brother Smith married. Morning.

Morning to you, ladies.

[Daniel Taylor]

Good morning, gentlemen. And breakfast is ready whenever you want.

[Townsperson]

Well, I shouldn't wish to keep it waiting.

[Daniel Taylor]

Mr. Brace, didn't you say last night that. That them was two men that got married to one another?

[Townsperson]

Oh, yes, madam, yes.

[Daniel Taylor]

And didn't you say they raised a fine passel of children?

[Townsperson]

Oh, yes, ma'. Am. Except Billy, I said. You know that he. He was a little wild.

[Daniel Taylor]

Well, yeah. Yes, I know you said Billy wasn't as clever as the rest of them, but now we old women were talking about it last night after you went out and none of us could make out having. They could have had children. And I said, I reckon you wouldn't mind an old woman's chat. And therefore I would ask you how that could be. I suppose you won't mind telling an old woman how it was.

[Townsperson]

Oh, certainly not, madam. They were both widowers before they fell in love with each other and got married.

The Lackaday.

I wonder why none of us ever thought of that.

[Daniel Taylor]

And they had children before they got married?

[Townsperson]

Why yes, madam. They had none afterward that I ever heard of.

[Howie Mandel]

Hey, it's Howie Mandel. And I am inviting you to witness history as me and my How We Do It Gaming team take on Gilly the king and wallow. $267 million gaming in an epic global gaming league video game showdown. Four rounds, multiple games, one winner, plus a halftime performance by multi platinum artist Travy McCoy. Watch all the action and see who wins and advances to the championship match against Neo right [e-mail]. that's globalgamingleague.com everybody games.

[Megan McCardell]

Has the news been getting you down? I'm Megan McCardell and I'm here to help. I'm the host of a new show

[Jeremiah Long]

from Washington Post Opinion called Reasonably Optimistic,

[Daniel Taylor]

and it's an antidote to the pessimism

[Megan McCardell]

that's riddling America right now.

[Narrator]

Every Wednesday I'm going to talk to people who see a path forward. It does seem to me that there

[Jeremiah Long]

is some awakening of a desire to act together to solve problems where they are.

[Howie Mandel]

You know, I am a believer in America and it's worth fighting for.

[Jeremiah Long]

Join me Wednesdays on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Daniel Taylor]

We're going to cheat on the Frontier Days format just a little here because Bill Arp, Charles Henry Smith was his real name, did not write the first of his Bill Arp letters until April of 1861, but after he got started, he kept on writing, including a column for the Atlanta constitution ran for 25 years until the summer of 1903 when he died.

[Megan McCardell]

We slowed him up. Sir, if you travel out I20 west of Atlanta, halfway to Alabama, you'll cross over Bill Arp Road. If you already recognize the man that road is named for, you've probably already heard the piece we'll read today. If you do not know him, I envy you your first hearing of it. This is a feast in a sycamore grove By Bill Arp Adapted by Ron N. Butler I was peeling some nice soft peaches for dinner just to save Mrs. Arp the trouble and get an approving smile, when suddenly she came up behind me and said, william, are your hands right clean? I held them up for her to look at. Well, if they weren't at first, I reckon they are now. Folks get more particular about such things as they get older. It takes more water and soap and whitewash and sweeping and scouring than it used to. I used to can knock the ashes out of my pipe on the piazza floor and get a little dirt from my shoes on the banisters and leave some dirty water in the pan at the back door. But I am gradually quitting these little things for the sake of being calm and serene in my declining years. Cleanliness is a good thing, I know, and the Scriptures say it is next to Godliness. If that's so, then I know some old women who are might nigh sanctified already, but somehow I like a little clean dirt scattered around just to enjoy the contrast when we do clean up. I don't think a man can enjoy a clean shirt until he gets One dirty. Likewise, folks lose the savor of eating the same kind of victuals every day and in the same room, keeping off the same flies, kicking off the same cat from under the table. So the other day I took a notion to change the program. Mrs. Arp had told me many a time that she had never eaten any barbecued meat since she was a child. And she thought then that it was the best meat she ever did eat. So I got an old timer who said he used to barbecue meat way back when Mr. Polk run agin Mr. Clay and paid him to do us a barbecue. I cleaned up the ground and trimmed the trees in a beautiful little sycamore grove down by the branch. And I had a pit dug and we sacrificed a fat lamb and a fat pig and hung them up overnight. And we hauled in a load of bark and stove wood and the old fellow had a big bed of coals going by daylight and put the meat on. And after breakfast we built a table and some plank seats and put up a swing for the children and swung a hammock and put everything in shape for the company. Of course I invited Mrs. Arp first and foremost, then the kindred and friends who are our welcome guests. The girls fixed up the vinegar and pepper and butter to baste the meat with while it was cooking. And they made an old fashioned Brunswick stew. For my part, I roasted a lot of green corn in the shuck under the hot ashes at one end of the pit. And when everything was in a weaving way, about 12 o', clock, I blowed the horn for the company. About a score of them came down and were delighted with the prospect and the place, especially the children. Mrs. Arp organized herself as a toasting committee of one and in due time pronounced it all very good and ready for business. Gallant gentlemen carved the fragrant carcasses and prepared the meat for distribution. The meats came on in due time and everybody got a sweet and juicy rib. The ribs are the best part of anything. I reckon. This is why a woman is so sweet. For she was made of a rib while man was made of dirt. The stew was declared splendid. I noticed that the married women all flavoured it with hot onion sauce. It always seemed strange to me how soon after marriage a woman begins to love onions. After this course was over, the girl surprised us all with lemon pies and cakes and frozen sherbet. And after that we all rested and played cards and had music on the banjo and sang songs. The men told some big yarns, which the young ladies believed and the old ones didn't. Can't fool a married woman with yarns. One of our party told about hunting deer up in the Kahuta Mountains and how he rode up a cliff so steep that when he got most of the top, he reached out and pulled the top burrs from a pine tree whose roots were at the mountain's base. Another one told about killing 19 wild turkeys with one shot. This was way out in Indian Nation, where the turkeys grow so big, he said, that they broke down the trees. I was just about to wade in when I noticed Mrs. Arp was perusing me so modestly I refrained and postponed the telling of my adventures for a more convenient season. It's not prudent for an old man to tell the heroic exploits of his youth if his wife lived in the same settlement and knows his raisin. So I never do brag much when Mrs. Arp is about. We had a splendid afternoon and wounded up with melons from the spring and then adjourned back to the house, feeling all the better for this little episode in our daily life.

[Narrator]

And finally we will proceed on to the triumph of natural justice. By Ron N. Butler.

[Megan McCardell]

The first gold rush in the United States wasn't in California. No, it was right here in Georgia. 20 years earlier, 1829. Small problem. The gold country wasn't in the state of Georgia back then. That land was the Cherokee nation, home to 17,000 Indians with a treaty with the United States that gave them title so long as the streams flowed and the forests grew.

[Daniel Taylor]

Sadly, having that piece of paper did the Cherokee no good. They were forced off and the gold hunters flowed in and filled to bursting. A land with few roads, fewer towns and no law except what they made for themselves.

[Megan McCardell]

Well, you know, folks in those days made their own soap, too. And it was pretty funny looking, too. Here is 1830. A place is called Headquarters. It wouldn't be called Dahlonega yet for a few years. And you might as well call it a town. It has a bar.

[Daniel Taylor]

Well, the Triumph of Natural justice by Ron N. Butler.

[Townsperson]

Where's the judge? Mr. Micklethwaite, there's been a robbery. I mean a burglary. I mean, somebody stole something.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Judge is in the back room.

[Jeremiah Long]

I'm back here, son. Now what's the matter?

[Townsperson]

They stole it. Whiskey. A whole keg of whiskey.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

What?

[Townsperson]

Mr. Hovis done brought it up from Gainesville in a wagon of supplies. Got into town after dark last night and went straight to bed. And when he woke up to unload the truck this morning, it Was going.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

That's my whiskey. I ordered it. All that lazy good for nothing left it sittin out or anything.

[Jeremiah Long]

Now calm down, Horace. If he'd tried to unload the wagon in the dark, like as not, he would have dropped your keg.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Well, maybe so indeed.

[Jeremiah Long]

Now Jimmy, have the townsfolk apprehended the malefactor? What? Is the perpetrator in custody? In where did they catch the man what stole the whiskey?

[Townsperson]

Oh no. But there's a whole mob of folks searching out in the woods and going through miners tents and.

[Jeremiah Long]

Sounds like they caught someone.

[Narrator]

Let me go. I haven't done anything.

[Jeremiah Long]

Put him down, boys.

[Narrator]

Thank you, sir. You must be the sheriff of this town.

[Jeremiah Long]

Indeed, sir. Headquarters has no sheriff. A sheriff presupposes a county. And our fair city to be sits in no county. This is the Cherokee Nation until such time as President Jackson gets the redskins moved out.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Not a minute too soon.

[Townsperson]

You tell him, Judge.

[Narrator]

Judge.

[Jeremiah Long]

Judge Delmar T. Claghorn, esquire, at your service.

[Narrator]

But judge, if we're in no county and no state, then what court are you a judge of?

[Jeremiah Long]

Indeed, mister. I say Mr. Long.

[Narrator]

Jeremiah Long of New York in the United States.

[Jeremiah Long]

Delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr. Long. Much as you may find the circumstances regrettable. Indeed, you have put your finger on the vital point. I have headquarters, haven't no sheriff, nor a mayor, nor a cognizant judiciary. But being in need of some mechanism of justice, I have established myself here at Micklethwaite's Tavern as a magistrate of natural justice.

[Narrator]

Natural justice? Never heard of such.

[Jeremiah Long]

Ah, but natural justice is the original and unblemished law by which mankind lived in Eden before the fall. It partakes of neither dusty books nor tedious precedent, but of that yearning for fairness that springs in every human breast. As the French sage Jean Jacques Rousseau said, obedience to a law which we prescribe to ourselves is true liberty indeed.

[Narrator]

I'm not sure, your honor, that I see the difference between natural justice and mob rule.

[Jeremiah Long]

The judgment of the mob is a path that is always open to you. What say ya boys?

[Townsperson]

Hang him with a teeth.

[Narrator]

I believe I will throw myself on the mercies of the court of natural justice, your honor.

[Jeremiah Long]

A wise decision indeed. Now what evidence does the people present?

[Townsperson]

Here's a keg, judge.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Hey, watch it with my whiskey. And that is my whiskey. That's Mr. Daniels Mark on the side.

[Jeremiah Long]

And where was it found?

[Megan McCardell]

In the Yankees tent under his cuff.

[Townsperson]

There were blankets wrapped around it, but

[Narrator]

we found it anyhow.

[Jeremiah Long]

Very incriminating, Mr. Long, very incriminating. Indeed. What have you to say for yourself?

[Narrator]

I've never seen that keg before in my life.

[Jeremiah Long]

Any idea how it might have come to rest under your bunk in your tent?

[Narrator]

None at all.

[Jeremiah Long]

Am I to infer that you contend some unknown person secreted a keg full of prime spirits under your bunk and wrapped it with your bedclothes during the night, all without your knowledge?

[Narrator]

Infer what you want. It is the truth, and I'm innocent.

[Daniel Taylor]

Hmm.

[Jeremiah Long]

A bald and unconvincing narrative lacking in verisimilitude, indeed. Court will now pronounce sentence.

[Townsperson]

What?

[Jeremiah Long]

Grab him, boy. Jeremiah Long, late of New York, this court sentences you to be taken outside to yonder oak tree, a noose placed around your neck and your hands tied behind you.

[Townsperson]

You'll dance before you die yet.

[Jeremiah Long]

Stand upon the property. You stole your mallets, Mr. Long, there to stand if you can, until sundown, and you still be standing. To be cut down and banished from the township of headquarters forever.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

And that's exactly what they did. Placed a keg of whiskey on a stump and Jeremiah Long atop the keg with a noose around his neck. And there he stood, teetering this way and that as the sun rose to noon and passed until it was sinking in the west.

[Narrator]

Dang you, Claghorn. Cut me down, or you'll have the blood of an innocent man on your hands.

[Jeremiah Long]

The court has found you guilty, sir. But true to the merciful dictates of natural justice, you yet have a chance to win your freedom. My strength is as the strength of tin cause. My heart is pure.

[Narrator]

That's not jurisprudence, you old fraud.

[Jeremiah Long]

It's Tennyson as may be.

[Narrator]

I'll see the sun go down. Don't you ever doubt it. It's just. There's something you should know.

[Townsperson]

What would that be, Yankee man?

[Narrator]

It's my feet they're burning.

[Jeremiah Long]

I shouldn't wonder.

[Townsperson]

You've been dancing on them all day. You're the battle of the ball.

[Narrator]

Go ahead and laugh, but this keg has gotten hot standing in the sun. I think the alcohol spirit's biling off. That's what's burning my feet.

[Townsperson]

But if that's so, the whiskey is

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

getting weaker by the minute. Claghorn.

[Jeremiah Long]

Jeremiah Long, lady of New York, the court of natural justice in the township of headquarters finds that you have fulfilled the punishment meted out to you and are therefore free to, provided you do not darken this polity with your presence again. Cut him down, boys.

[Townsperson]

I got him.

Knock.

[Narrator]

I'm free to go.

[Jeremiah Long]

Indeed, you Are that keg isn't leaking, is it, boys?

[Narrator]

Then I'll take my leave, sir, of you and of headquarters. And you may all go to the devil.

[Townsperson]

That's a Knucklesville road.

[Daniel Taylor]

You're that problem there.

[Townsperson]

Oh, let me speed you along with the rock, sir. Don't come back here, Yankee.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

I congratulate you, Judge, on the recovery of my whiskey and on reading our town of a thief.

[Jeremiah Long]

Thank you, sir. Thank you. The only question before the court is this. Was your property recovered without damage?

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

I'm sure it was. A keg seems sound.

[Jeremiah Long]

But there is only one way to be sure. By test. Additionally, there is the matter of a becoming and civic minded gratitude for the exertions of the court and its officers.

[Townsperson]

Officers of the court. Oh, man.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Well, I guess I can see my way clear to one drink. Jimmy, bring four tankards. Small ones.

[Townsperson]

Here they are, Mr. Mablethwaite.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Drink up, gentlemen, with my thanks.

[Jeremiah Long]

A moment before you partake. Gentlemen of the jury, a toast to the triumph of natural justice.

[Townsperson]

Natural justice.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Amen.

[Townsperson]

Yeah. National justice. That's a mighty smooth whiskey.

[Megan McCardell]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeremiah Long]

I hadn't twitched once.

[Townsperson]

It trifle wheat though.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

You idiots. It's so smooth because it's spring water.

[Townsperson]

Water, Dude.

[Jeremiah Long]

Jesus.

[Townsperson]

He's right.

[Jeremiah Long]

I'm passion. Only now does the full deviousness this malefactor scheme stand revealed.

[Howie Mandel]

What?

[Jeremiah Long]

He must have sneaked the whiskey barrel off the teamsters wagon in the night and filled it with water.

[Townsperson]

That's as obvious as a red nose on your face.

[Daniel Taylor]

But where'd the whiskey go?

[Jeremiah Long]

Into another unmarked keg. Or possibly into a brace of pottery jugs. It's a matter of little consequence.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

It is a matter of considerable consequence to me.

[Jeremiah Long]

Thinking that the teamster would sleep late, he assumed he had plenty of time to replace the keg in the wagonette. Sun up with no one the wiser. But he was wrong.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

So he was wrong. But where's my whiskey?

[Daniel Taylor]

Hmm?

[Jeremiah Long]

If he didn't hide his jugs too far from the road, I'd say bout halfway to Knucklesville by now.

[Townsperson]

And devil if we can find him in the dark. Half moon tonight won't rise for hours.

[Jeremiah Long]

And thus do the marvelous workings of natural justice turn all about once more.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

I don't see any justice in my being cozened out of a keg of whiskey and that I paid for.

[Jeremiah Long]

No, my friend. It is only natural that the man of keenest mind and boldest heart walk away the winner. And here, and tonight, that man is Jeremiah Long. I salute you, sir, in absentia.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Well, you're going to have to toast him in spring water, for there's no more spirits in the town. Your man of destiny got away with the last none, Not a drop. Furthermore, I intend to put my lost keg on your account. If you hadn't kept blathering about natural justice all the livelong day, we might have found out in time that my keg contained only water.

[Jeremiah Long]

Why, that's hardly fair.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Just maybe natural is the word you're looking for.

[Jeremiah Long]

I shall take my business elsewhere. See. If I don't, then you will have

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

to take it to Ducklesville, or possibly as far as Gainesville, for there are no other public houses in headquarters.

[Jeremiah Long]

Then I shall.

[Townsperson]

Ah, I shall complain to the sheriff.

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

We do not have one of those either. Come the morning, however, I believe I will form a citizens committee to elect one. I may even run for the office myself. How about it, boys? Horace Micklethwaite for Sheriff. Free beer for my supporters

[Townsperson]

three times, Horace.

[Jeremiah Long]

Isn't that somewhat along the lines of bribery?

[Judge Delmar T. Claghorn]

Seems only natural to me.

[Jeremiah Long]

Indeed,

[Narrator]

You've been listening to selections from our Frontier Days show at Stone Mountain Park. Featured in the cast were the voices of Joyce Lee, Daniel Taylor, Ron N. Butler, Colin Butler, Phil Carter, Jeffrey M. Brown, Alton Leonard, Jack Mayfield, Terry Sanders, Trudy Leonard and Kelly Swilley. Music by Alton Leonard and Jeffrey M. Brown Foley sound effects designed by Lilly, performed by John Campbell, Karen Wilbanks and Sarah Taylor. Sound engineering was by David Carter. The show was produced and directed by William Allen Rich we hope you're enjoying the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company's podcast. If so, you can write to [e-mail] or just tell your friends about us. You can find out more about us, including how to support our new Old Time radio by purchasing CDs of our studio productions at www.artc.org. and remember, there is adventure in sound. All material is copyright by its creators or the Atlanta Radio Theater Company.

[Daniel Taylor]

Artc.org

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