Atlanta Radio Theatre Company - Guerilla Radio Theatre

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio — Atlanta Radio Theatre Company: Guerilla Radio Theatre

Release Date: March 19, 2026
Host: Atlanta Radio Theatre Host
Live Performance Date: 2003 at Manuel’s Tavern, Atlanta
Episode Theme: A night of live, satirical “Guerrilla Radio Theatre” sketches produced in the tradition of vintage radio comedy—irreverent, smart, and subversive. Each short play pokes fun at modern bureaucracy, privacy, activism, and human nature, delivered in an old-school radio show format.

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Overview

This episode transports listeners to a 2003 live performance by the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company, featuring four separate comic sketches designed to provoke thought, laughter, and sometimes discomfort. The evening’s works capture the essence of “Guerrilla Radio Theatre”—bold satire on modern institutions and mindsets, brought to life by a talented ensemble.

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Key Segments & Summaries

1. Swatting the Books (00:27–07:18)

Written by Ron N. Butler

Main Points

• A suburban family is rudely awakened at 3 a.m. by an armed, paramilitary unit breaking down their door.
• It’s not law enforcement, but a special “Publication Repatriation Assault Team” from the Fulton County Library System—library employees dressed like SWAT officers, demanding the return of an overdue copy of "Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland."
• The officers cite “sovereign immunity” to explain their aggressive tactics and avoid responsibility for property damage.

Notable Quotes

• Library Enforcement Officer Agnes (02:52): “Actually, it's Fulton County Library System.”
• Library Enforcement Officer (03:14): “You can't get an increase in your budget unless you've got a paramilitary unit.”
• Library Enforcement Officer Agnes (05:06): “Look, I'm real sorry, mister. It's all I had.” (when apologizing for shooting a water pistol)

Memorable Moments

• The “shooting” incident turns out to be a water pistol (05:06), and the standoff is further defused when one officer is revealed to only be armed with a paintball gun (05:13).
• The sketch lampoons bureaucratic overreach as the librarians move on to harass another “overdue book offender” down the street (06:18).

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2. Nosy Net (07:30–11:27)

Written by Daniel Taylor

Main Points

• A “loan application” becomes a darkly comic invasion of privacy as the banker effortlessly accesses all the applicant’s personal data—including vacations, credit history, family disputes, and shopping habits—via a universal government database called “NosyNet.”
• The government-mandated interconnectedness of all private databases is presented as a fait accompli; personal privacy is completely compromised for administrative convenience.

Notable Quotes

• Library Enforcement Officer (09:07): “Your credit history is just a few keystrokes away now that our computer has accessed the National Online Secured Inquiry Network. NosyNet for short.”
• Library Enforcement Officer (10:08): “And here's where you took your wife to Lord and Taylor and charged almost $600... Oh, wait, no, here's your wife's signature on your Chevron credit card receipt... Guess you didn't take your wife to Orlando after all.”
• Atlanta Radio Theatre Host (11:31): “We're from the government. We're here to help.”

Memorable Moments

• The scene escalates as the banker’s knowledge borders on omniscience, exposing even family secrets via credit card signatures (10:08).

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3. In Human Rights (11:40–16:32)

Written by Ron N. Butler

Main Points

• A mock interview with Prof. Erasmus Tutwiler, a noted animal rights activist, is interrupted by a militant squad from P.E.T.A… but not People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals—instead, it’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus.
• The “asparagus activists” accuse Tutwiler of plant cruelty (bonsai trees, eating sunflower seeds) and even wearing plant corpses (clothes), piling on exaggerated charges.
• A new group appears—the Micro Rights Defense League—accusing Tutwiler of genocide against microorganisms (e.g., killing yogurt bacteria).
• The groups devolve into an absurd ideological squabble as Tutwiler escapes.

Notable Quotes

• SWAT Team Member / PETA Member (12:45): “P.E.T.A. People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus. You will pay for your crimes against the flora of the earth.”
• SWAT Team Member / PETA Member (13:32): “The third charge: Wearing the corpses of plants on your vile body!”
• Micro Rights Defense League Member (14:15): “We're the Micro Rights Defense League. And we're here to terminate Erasmus Tutwiler for his crimes against the microorganisms of this planet...”
• Jane Handley Page (16:08): “Guys, guys. Is it okay if the crew and I go now?”

Memorable Moments

• The surreal debate over whether azaleas are “just bushes or victims” (15:41), and the activists’ petty macho showdown of insults (“tree hugger!” “germ kisser!” at 16:04).
• The satire brilliantly lampoons the fragmentation and extremism that can infuse activist spaces.

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4. The Shape of Things to Come (16:44–22:11)

Written by Daniel Taylor

Main Points

• The host, Jane Handley Page, interviews Dr. Nicholas Tesla about his cutting-edge “ergonomic response induction engine”—quickly outed as a high-tech “Orgasmatron.”
• The sketch lampoons both scientific obsessions and sexual gadgetry, as Tesla awkwardly pushes Jane to try the device for the show’s benefit.
• Jane’s flustered attempts to “test” the machine are met with comedic embarrassment, technical mishaps, and Tesla’s nerdy obliviousness.

Notable Quotes

• Jane Handley Page (17:50): “This is an orgasmatron.”
• Narrator/Dr. Tesla (17:56): “Crudely put, but correct.”
• Jane Handley Page (19:19): “Yes. Well, now what? Doctor, my eyes are up here.”
• Narrator/Dr. Tesla (21:27): “Fool me once, shame on you.”
• Jane Handley Page (21:29): “You have to let me try it again, Doctor.”

Memorable Moments

• The tension as Jane repeatedly asks to “try it again,” and Tesla grows increasingly befuddled (20:30–21:27), ending with Jane trying to commandeer the device for herself.

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Overall Tone and Style

• Satirical, irreverent, brisk: Each sketch blends farce and social commentary, using the heightened theatricality of old-time radio to lampoon modern life.
• Smart wordplay and escalating absurdities: Bureaucracy, activism, and technological society are taken to hilarious extremes.
• Self-aware: The cast pokes fun at their own medium and the format’s constraints (e.g., jokes about radio-only cues and costumes).

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Atlanta Radio Theatre Host Introduction: 00:27
• Swatting the Books: 02:03–07:18
• Nosy Net: 07:30–11:27
• In Human Rights: 11:40–16:32
• The Shape of Things to Come: 16:44–22:11

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Notable Quotes Table

| Time | Speaker | Quote | |----------|-----------------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:52 | Library Enforcement Officer Agnes | “Actually, it's Fulton County Library System.” | | 03:14 | Library Enforcement Officer | “You can't get an increase in your budget unless you've got a paramilitary unit.” | | 09:07 | Library Enforcement Officer | “...our computer has accessed the National Online Secured Inquiry Network. NosyNet.”| | 12:45 | SWAT Team Member / PETA Member | “People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus. You will pay for your crimes...” | | 17:50 | Jane Handley Page | “This is an orgasmatron.” | | 19:19 | Jane Handley Page | “Yes. Well, now what? Doctor, my eyes are up here.” |

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Final Thoughts

“Guerrilla Radio Theatre” is a prime example of Atlanta Radio Theatre Company’s signature blend: clever, rapid-fire comedy with a sharp satirical edge, grounded in the nostalgia and production style of classic radio. Each sketch stands on its own, but together, they form a night of unrelenting wit, political parody, and pure radio fun.

For More: Listeners are encouraged to visit artc.org to explore more from the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company.

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Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

Welcome to this week's podcast of the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company. For your listening enjoyment, we present four selections from Guerrilla Radio Theatre as presented live in 2003 at Manuel's Tavern in Atlanta and co sponsored by the Fellowship of Reason. Tonight's pieces are comic satire. If they offend you or make you think, then the writers will be gratified and would love to hear from you. Both writers may be contacted via our website at www.artc.org, which also carries studio quality CDs of our other works for sale. On Saturday, October 28th at 8:00pm and Sunday, October 29th at 2:30pm the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company will bring you a collection of original audio dramas with a focus on horror and dark fantasy. Into the Labyrinth preserves the time honored tradition of using the magic of radio to spark the imaginations of its listeners, this time with a slant towards the macabre. We will present a selection of short comic subjects with a Halloween theme, culminating with our feature horror presentation, Throne of Shadows by Thomas E. Fuller. This year's performance will be at Stage Door Players near Perimeter Mall in the North DeKalb Cultural Arts Center, 5339 Shambly Dunwoody Road, Dunwoody, Georgia, 30338. Our first program is swatting the books by ron n. Butler.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What the dickens is that?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Up and out? I. I think so. It's knocking on the front door.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

At this hour? It's. It's.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I said open up in there.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Three o' clock in the morning.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Okay, get the battering ram.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Oh, my God. They've broken down the front door. Burglars.

[Jane Handley Page]

Freeze.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Hands up.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Don't move.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Assume the position. Please don't shoot. My wallet's on the dresser.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Screw your wallet. This is a bust.

[Jane Handley Page]

Police.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

The SWAT team?

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Not exactly.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Dea. There aren't any drugs in this house.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

There aren't?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

No, there aren't.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

No, we're not.

[Jane Handley Page]

Dea.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

FBI, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and. What is that last one?

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Firearms. No, we're not the batf. Jeez, just read our body armor.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It's kind of dark in here. It's fcls. Federal Criminal.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Actually, it's Fulton County Library System.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Librarians. Your librarians? I'll ask the questions. What is the library doing breaking down our door? In the middle of the night. And since when do librarians run around

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

in black body armor pointing guns at

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

people like it's a funding thing?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Funding?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Look, you can't get an increase in your budget unless you've got a paramilitary unit. I mean, first the FBI had the hostage rescue team, and Homeland Security is all over the place. Police departments have had SWAT teams for years.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

And look at the Immigration and Naturalization Service with the great job they did rescuing that little Cuban boy. You can bet they'll get an uptick in their budget next year.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Funding.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

And since Agnes and I were in enforcement anyway, we got to thinking.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Wait a minute. Enforcement at a library? Well, I keep the kids from pulling

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

up porn on the Internet, and I wake up the homeless guys at closing time and prod them outside. And let me tell you, phew. There was this one guy, Stanley. Anyway, we set up the publication Repatriation Assault Team. This is our first night out, and you're our first perps.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

But what exactly does the publication Repatriation Assault Team.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Just a second. Six weeks overdue. 1. A copy of ISBN 05254 906242. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Carol Lewis.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Oh, that's a great book. Especially the opium imaging. I can't blame you for.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I returned that book a month ago. That's what they all say. Can you prove it? Have you got a receipt?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

A receipt for a library? Fine. Who gets it?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Yes, I do. The librarian was this peculiar little girl with her hair in braids. She had studs in her lower lips. So I couldn't understand her very well, but she was very insistent that I take a receipt. Damn it, Melanie. Okay, well, where is it? Well, I guess it's still in my wallet in my purse.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Here, I'll get it.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Don't move.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Don't move.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Look, I'll just get her purse.

[Jane Handley Page]

Shut him. Shut.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Shut.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Oh, my God.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

You shot me.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Blood.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

There's blood everywhere. I'm wet with. This is water. Oh, God. You shot me with a water pistol, you moron.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Look, I'm real sorry, mister. It's all I had.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Stop right there. This is no water pistol. I'm holding.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Oh, what is it? A Super Soaker?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

A paintball gun?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Don't move a muscle, Winston.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It's just a.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Do you want to get paint out

[Library Enforcement Officer]

of my mother's goose down comforter?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Do what she says.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

This is ridiculous. I'm going to turn on the lights.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh, Winston.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

No, that's the one with the.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

With the short circuit. Oh, Winston.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

My heart. My Chest hurts.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

If he has a heart attack, I swear I'll sue Fulton county and you too, personally for every penny.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh, forget it, sister.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Sovereign immunity. What do you mean, sovereign immunity?

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

That means we're public servants, you know, just doing our job.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

And.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

And you can't sue us unless the government decides to let you that chance.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Calm down, hon. I'm feeling a little better. I think I'll be okay.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Yeah, well, let's just let it go this time. Tell you what, we'll just assume you've got that received.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Okay, so this was all just a little mistake in. We're square. Okay.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

What about our front door?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Sovereign immunity.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Sovereign immunity.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh, just a moment. Does a Henderson comma Ian live around here? 5:50 promenade.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

I am not going.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh, two doors down on the left. Thank you. You're welcome.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Wow.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

Eight weeks overdue. Hit the White Bart by Ayub Masad.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Are they gone?

[Jane Handley Page]

Finally.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh. Are you gonna be all right?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Hey, I think so. Wait a sec. Were they looking for Henderson down the street?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Yes.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Gun nut Henderson?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I've never called him that.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

The guy who won't buy Girl Scout cookies unless the Girl Scouts join the nra. Does he do.

[Jane Handley Page]

Does he do that?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I think we need to call the police right now. In fact, I think we'd better call 911.

[Jane Handley Page]

Oops.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

On second thought, I guess there's no great big hurry.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Yes, dear, anything you say.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

Our second program is Nosy Net by Daniel Taylor.

[Plant Shop Owner]

Certified plant Genius. Here, most people see a busy plant shop, but I see a perfectly balanced ecosystem thanks to Genius from Global Payments Inventory. Tracked payments, seamless reviews in one place. Absolutely genius. From sold out crowds worldwide to running this shop, genius grows with you.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Your Monstera's potted healthy roots.

[Plant Shop Owner]

Strong growth just like this shop. Big league reliability for your business. That's genius.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big Wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment. Anyway, give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for

[Library Enforcement Officer]

3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

See full [e-mail] welcome to a new era in banking.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Thanks for coming in to apply for a loan. Have you finished filling out the form?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Is this all of it?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Of course, just my Name and National Identification Number. That's right.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

My what?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I'm sorry, I mean your Social Security number.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Of course.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I see. That's.

[Library Enforcement Officer Agnes]

That's all.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

That's all.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

No. How long in my present house?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Not necessary.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

How many credit cards do I have?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I'll have that in a moment.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Your credit history is just a few keystrokes away now that our computer has accessed the National Online Secured Inquiry Network.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Nosynet for short. The federal government requires all privately owned databases over a certain capacity to provide an Internet gateway through which licensed agencies can access their data. Only for appropriately sanctioned purposes, of course.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Of course.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

And one of those a appropriate purposes is verification of credit history. Ah, here we are. The report's finished. Now, let's see. Here's your house payment. Oh, you missed an opportunity to refinance six months ago. That would have saved you $1,000 a year in interest.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Really?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Yes, but don't worry, that's not an automatic rejection anymore. Sometimes it's to our favor if you don't pay that much attention to your financial options.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

What?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Oh, never mind. Oh my. That was an expensive vacation in Orlando last year, wasn't it?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

No, no, that was work related. It was a seminar.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Really? But you charged two, three day passes to Disney World on your Visa. And here's where you took your wife to Lord and Taylor and charged almost $600 of ladies clothes, that is. Oh, wait, no, no, wait a minute. Here's your wife's signature on your Chevron credit card receipt. She bought gasoline at the service station across the street from your son's dentist. That happened about the same time. I guess you didn't take your wife to Orlando after all.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

No, I didn't.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I see. But then who was the other person at dinner?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

At dinner? You went to a different night spot every night. Polynesian on Tuesday, French on Wednesday and the Shakespearean theme restaurant on Thursday. A very expensive dinner for two every time.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Well.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

And then you got back to your hotel room and ordered a bottle of champagne from room service and two breakfasts the next morning.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Well, I suppose it really doesn't matter, does it? I mean, this isn't really relevant to a loan application, is it?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Not really.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Of course not. Just as it isn't relevant that when your wife signs her own charges she buys size 11 dresses and she could never wear the size 7 wardrobe you bought in Orlando.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I suppose not.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Now let's discuss my fee first.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

District of Columbia Federal Bank. Don't worry.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

We're from the government. We're here to help.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

Our third program is in human rights by ron and butler.

[Jane Handley Page]

Good afternoon. This is Jane Handley Page, for I am. You are. He is. A journal of alternative views and opinions. We're in the UC Irvine office of Professor Erasmus Tutwiler, prominent animal rights activist. Thank you for talking with us today, Professor.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

A pleasure, Ms. Henley. Page.

[Jane Handley Page]

Could you explain a bit about your philosophy for our audience, Professor?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Happy to. We in the animal rights movement believe that our fellow creatures are as entitled to the basic rights to life, health and security as any human. Our philosophy recognizes the underlying unity of.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Erasmus Tutwiler, I arrest you in the name of the PETA Direct Action Strike Group and of the life forms you have slaughtered.

[Jane Handley Page]

Hands up my. That's a very big gun you have.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Thank you, PETA, but I'm on the board.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Not that. PETA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus. You will pay for your crimes against the flora of the earth.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Crimes? What crimes?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

The first charge is tree torture. Do you deny that you have mutilated and stunted the growth of trees for your sadistic amusement?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I do. Bonsai in the evenings.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

You are condemned out of your own mouth. Do you deny that you have stolen and eaten the ungerminated young of plants? The evidence of your crime is right in front of you.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Evidence? What evidence? All that's on my desk is a

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

sack of sunflower seeds, and it makes me sick. By Goddess Tutwiler, what depraved feast will you stoop to next?

[Jane Handley Page]

Eggs?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

And the third charge? Wearing the corpses of plants on your vile body?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It's from Banana Republic. They never told me.

[Jane Handley Page]

Is that why you're all dressed in those polyester disco outfits?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

No excuses. Tutwiler, I find you guilty of malicious herbicide. Prepare to atone for your crimes against flora by becoming fertilizer. One, two.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Arrest Ms. Tutweiler. I arrest you in the name of the. Hey. Who are you?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

The PETA Direct Action Strike Group.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Peter. Hey, come on. Tutweiler's on your board. Geez, did he miss paying his dues or what?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Not that, Peter. People for the Ethical Treatment of Asparagus.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Asparagus.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Now, who the hell are you?

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

We're the Micro Rights Defense League. And we're here to terminate Erasmus Tutwala for his crimes against the microorganisms of this planet and his false consciousness as a phony, booze worrying animal rights activist.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Well, you can't have him. We were here first.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Doesn't count.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Does.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Doesn't.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Does.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Doesn't.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Does,

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

sir.

[Jane Handley Page]

Doesn't what does your group want Professor Tutwiler for?

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Well, first, for the criminal exploitation and mega murder of microorganisms. He was observed committing the crime earlier today at lunch at the faculty lounge.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What are you talking about? All I had for lunch was a cup of yogurt.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

See? See? He boast of his crimes. Second, charge this.

[Jane Handley Page]

Ow.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Look at my arm.

[Commercial Narrator]

See?

[Library Enforcement Officer]

See?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

See what? That's just my smallpox vaccination.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Just a smallpox vaccination?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

You're gonna want one soon.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Smallpox is only the most endangered viral species on Earth, existing only as two, three tiny, pitiful, imprisoned colonies. Where once great tides of smallpox virus flourished within the bodies of Earth's mammals. Hey, come back here. Hey, guys with a window. Shoot him. Shoot him.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

I can't. The coward is hiding behind those azaleas.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

So what? Shoot em.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

But they're azaleas.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

They're just bushes. Waste em.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Just bushes. Right, Right. Some respect for lifekind you have. We would have had Tutwiler usefully fertilizing the daisies by now if your lot hadn't come fusting in. Damn. There he goes. This is all your fault.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Hey, I'm not the one who let him get through the window.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Why don't you go gross some herpes? Germ kisser.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Tree hugger. Ooh.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Go play with your puss collection.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Petty bourgeois mackerel.

[Jane Handley Page]

Guys, guys. We wouldn't want to interrupt your ideological discussion, but is it okay if the crew and I go now?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Yes.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

Get out of here.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Just a minute. Is that a cotton blouse you're wearing?

[Jane Handley Page]

This is Jane Handley Page, concluding another installment of I Am.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

You Are.

[Jane Handley Page]

He Is. We'll be back next week with another show.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Hey, and let's talk about the mouthwash I sell on your breath, shall we?

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

You can use.

[Jane Handley Page]

Or at least. At least I hope we will.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

Our final program is the Shape of Things to Come by Daniel Taylor.

[Jane Handley Page]

Good evening and welcome to the Shape of Things to Come where the future Is Today. I'm your host, Jane Handley Page. And joining us today is Dr. Nicholas Tesla.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Good evening.

[Jane Handley Page]

Who is here to demonstrate his newest invention. So, Dr. Tesla, what does it do?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I'm so glad you asked. There are twin electromagnetic coils in the base and apex of the cylinder. They produce what I call a magnetoharmonic aura that passes through the human body like an ocean wave through water.

[Jane Handley Page]

I see. So what does it do?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It stimulates certain portions of the occupant's tactile awareness center and simultaneously sets up a localized oscillating Wave directly in the pleasure center of the brain. I don't know how much more plainly I can say it.

[Jane Handley Page]

Nor I. So what does it do?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I call it the ergonomic response induction engine.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Organomic.

[Jane Handley Page]

This is an orgasmatron.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Crudely put, but correct.

[Jane Handley Page]

A virtual sex chamber.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Don't be condescending. A lot of science nerds can't get dates. You know, it's surprisingly simple. Anybody could have built this thing. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a few thousand of them scattered around the country in home workshops and such. I'm just the first person to tear myself away from it long enough to reach the patent office.

[Jane Handley Page]

You mean it actually works?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

I'm here to tell you that it does, yes.

[Jane Handley Page]

And you're expecting me to try it?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Well, your program's exposure would help me secure funding.

[Jane Handley Page]

Well, what about this spandex body stocking you insisted I wear?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

The matrix suit is saturated with locator sensors that will help the onboard computer find you.

[Jane Handley Page]

Can I keep the robe on over it?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It's best if you don't. At least for the first session.

[Jane Handley Page]

If you insist.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

I'm glad.

[Jane Handley Page]

This is radio.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

After that, the computer's built its map and it doesn't matter what you. What you.

[Jane Handley Page]

It's very snug, isn't it?

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

What?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Oh, I mean. Well, the computer needs the most precise locator response in order to map your. Your. I mean, the suit stretches to fit every part of your. Oh, God.

[Jane Handley Page]

Yes. Well, now what? Doctor, My eyes are up here.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What? Oh, sorry. Well, we use the keypad to set the duration of your session. I think that three seconds will do.

[Jane Handley Page]

Three seconds?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Best not to overdo on your first time. In you go. Watch your step. Ah, there you are. Ready?

[Jane Handley Page]

Well, as much as I will ever be, I suppose.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Splendid. I'll close the door then. And there. And done. Now. Now, how was that, Miss Henley? Paige.

[Library Enforcement Officer]

It stopped.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

How do you feel?

[Jane Handley Page]

I. How do I feel? Is this thing soundproofed?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What? Yes.

[Jane Handley Page]

Oh, good. So can I try it again?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Again? Why?

[Jane Handley Page]

Why? Why? It didn't work. I mean, it didn't work. Yes, that's it.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

It didn't work.

[Jane Handley Page]

Could we just try it again?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

It didn't work. That's funny. It worked this morning. Let me just check the calibration on this thing.

[Jane Handley Page]

Can we please just try it again?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Well, I don't see why not.

[Jane Handley Page]

Maybe for a little more time.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

More time? Oh, why not? Maybe it needs to warm up. I'll set it for five seconds at 10.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

Five.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Ready?

[Jane Handley Page]

Oh, yes.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Hang on there. And now. How was that, Miss Henley? Paige.

[Jane Handley Page]

I'm sorry. It's a very moving experience, isn't it?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

So it worked this time?

[Jane Handley Page]

This time? Oh, yes, this time. Perhaps I should try it again, just to be sure.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Fool me once, shame on you.

[Jane Handley Page]

You have to let me try it again, Doctor.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

This is the same thing that happened with the volunteers. Try a cold shower.

[Jane Handley Page]

You can't just leave after.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

You're getting irrational, Ms. Hanley. Paige. Besides, I have an appointment with Katie Couric in 30 minutes. And I'm really looking forward to that.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

Katie Couric.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Wait. What are you doing? Get away from those controls.

[Jane Handley Page]

You can't have it. It's mine, I tell you. Mine.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

Wait. Come out of there this instant.

[Micro Rights Defense League Member]

Come out. What?

[Narrator/Various Characters]

What are you. Jane, Stop this crazy thing.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

This has been guerrilla radio theater. A pastiche by the Atlanta Radio Theater Company. We would like to thank our hosts and sponsors, the Fellowship of Reason and Manuel's Tavern.

[SWAT Team Member / PETA Member]

It.

[Atlanta Radio Theatre Host]

And we are your hosts, Terry Sanders and Alton Leonard. Thank you for listening. For further information on the Atlanta Radio Theater Company, please Visit our website, www.artc.org which carries studio quality CDs of our other works for sale. The Atlanta Radio Theater Company is a nonprofit 501c3 organization which is supported entirely through sales of RCDs, donations from listeners like you, and ticket sales to our live performances. I am your host, Hal Wideman and we are the Atlanta Radio Theater Company. And remember, there is adventure in sound.

[Narrator/Various Characters]

All material is copyright by its creators or the Atlanta radio theater company.

[Jane Handley Page]

Artc.org

[Commercial Narrator]

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