Avalon Time 39-04-29 (17) Night Watchman in the Bank

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Avalon Time 39-04-29 (17) Night Watchman in the Bank"

Release Date: July 17, 2025
Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
Description: Dive into the nostalgic era of radio with "Harold's Old Time Radio," showcasing beloved shows from the Golden Age of Radio. This episode, titled "Night Watchman in the Bank," blends classic humor, engaging skits, and delightful musical performances, capturing the essence of a bygone era when families gathered around the radio for entertainment.

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1. Welcome and Host Introduction

[01:06] Del King:
Del King opens the episode with a warm welcome to listeners, introducing the main cast: Red Foley, Jeanette, Phil Davis, and the Avalon Orchestra. He humorously describes Red Skelton as "the only man in radio who has ears like steam shovels," setting the tone for a night filled with laughter and entertainment.

2. Comedic Banter and Character Setup

[01:28] Red Skelton:
Red Skelton engages in playful banter with Del King, poking fun at the latter's "corny introductions" and highlighting his own exaggerated persona. Their exchange establishes Red Skelton's character as a quirky and humorous figure, essential for the ensuing skits.

Notable Quote:

• Red Skelton: "Boy, what a mustache." [01:42]

3. The Night Watchman Skit: Chaos at Hope and Trust Company

The heart of the episode revolves around a comedic skit featuring Red Skelton as the night watchman and janitor at the Hope and Trust Company bank. Phil Davis plays Phil Davis, the skeptical secretary, adding to the dynamic with his dry humor.

Key Plot Points:

• Red Skelton's Role: As the night watchman, Red is depicted dealing with bizarre situations, including misplaced mustaches and unexpected visitors.

• Introduction of the Fake President: A character claiming to be the bank president arrives with tools to fix a "time lock," leading to humorous confusion and miscommunication.

• Officer Herky's Entrance: Officer Herky, portrayed by Phil Davis, arrives, proclaiming his bravery in capturing "five desperate killers," only to reveal comical incompetence and misunderstandings.

• Double Trouble with J. Tepington Tin Box the Third: The skit escalates as another impostor claims to be the bank president, leading to a humorous confrontation where both share the same dubious credentials.

Notable Quotes:

• Red Skelton: "You like it, huh? Yeah, it fits your personality, plain and simple." [01:34]
• Phil Davis: "Well, he looks suspicious to me." [13:09]
• Officer Herky: "Why, I captured five desperate killers with my policeman's club." [14:43]

[16:12] Red Skelton:
The chaos culminates with Red attempting to open the vault using a forgotten combination, only to realize it's written on a piece of paper he stored in the vault itself, adding layers of irony and humor.

4. Musical Interlude: "Boots and Saddles"

Transitioning from the comedic skit, the Avalon Chorus delivers a stirring rendition of "Boots and Saddles," a classic Western tune that resonates with the show's nostalgic vibe.

Performance Highlights:

• [04:53] Avalon Chorus: Sings about enduring love and the passage of time, aligning with the show's theme of enduring through various escapades.
• [23:31] Avalon Chorus: Reprises "Boots and Saddles," infusing energy and maintaining listener engagement with their harmonious vocals.

Notable Quote:

• Avalon Chorus: "Let me ride that range once more, give me my boots and saddles." [23:31]

5. Advertising Integration: Avalon Cigarettes

Throughout the episode, Del King seamlessly incorporates advertisements for Avalon cigarettes, emphasizing their quality and affordability. These segments are cleverly woven into the narrative, ensuring they complement rather than disrupt the flow of the show.

Advertising Highlights:

• Early Mention: [06:56] Del King discusses the cost-saving benefits of switching to Avalon cigarettes, highlighting their superior quality and union-made assurance.

• Interactive Ad Skit: [21:34] Del King attempts to promote Avalon cigarettes on-air but is comically interrupted by Red Skelton's character suffering from "amnesia," leading to humorous exchanges that reinforce the brand message.

Notable Quote:

• Del King: "Give Avalon's a trial tonight. Bob Strong said he got a big kick out of making this arrangement." [06:56]

6. Continued Comedic Interactions and Resolution

As the night progresses, the skit reaches its climax with Red Skelton's character facing off against multiple impostors, only to have Officer Herky intervene with an unexpected twist—revealing that the supposed threats were mere misunderstandings involving a water pistol.

Notable Quotes:

• Red Skelton: "I knew it was a water gun. The reason I was so scared is because it wasn't loaded." [18:56]
• Officer Herky: "A policeman. Come on in." [14:08]

7. Additional Musical Segments: "The Path of True Love"

Jeanette delivers a poignant performance of "The Path of True Love," a melancholic song that contrasts the earlier humor with emotional depth, showcasing the show's versatility in blending comedy and music.

Performance Highlights:

• Emotional Lyrics: The song delves into themes of lost love and the end of masquerades, adding a reflective moment amidst the lively skits.

• [19:15] Del King: Introduces the musical interlude, providing a smooth transition from the comedic elements to the heartfelt performance.

Notable Quote:

• Jeanette: "I'm afraid the masquerade is over. And so is love." [19:52]

8. Closing Interactions and Teasers for Future Content

In the final segments, Del King attempts another promotional spot for Avalon cigarettes but is humorously interrupted by Red Skelton, who feigns forgetfulness and skepticism about the product, thereby reinforcing brand recognition through comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Del King: "When you buy Avalon, you get a cigarette 100% union made." [21:59]
• Red Skelton: "I don't remember your name, but your phrase is familiar." [22:02]

The episode concludes with a teaser for future content, including a potential historical skit about Napoleon Bonaparte and collaborative sketch ideas between Red Skelton and Phil Davis, leaving listeners anticipating upcoming episodes.

Notable Quote:

• Red Skelton: "And Phil Davis suggests writing a sketch, indicating future collaborations." [26:15]

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Conclusion

"Avalon Time 39-04-29 (17) Night Watchman in the Bank" masterfully blends humor, music, and advertising to create an engaging and nostalgic radio experience. Through memorable characters, witty dialogues, and heartfelt musical performances, the episode captures the charm of the Golden Age of Radio, offering both entertainment and a touch of sentimentality for its listeners.

Highlighted Interviews and Performances:

• Red Skelton as the comical night watchman.
• Phil Davis embodying the skeptical secretary and Officer Herky.
• Jeanette delivering emotional musical performances.
• Avalon Chorus enhancing the show's musical landscape.

Future Episodes: Teasers suggest more comedic sketches and potential historical narratives, promising continued entertainment and variety for the audience.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Red Skelton: "Boy, what a mustache." [01:42]
• Red Skelton: "How can you tell wearing a mask?" [12:36]
• Officer Herky: "I captured five desperate killers with my policeman's club." [14:43]
• Del King: "Give Avalon's a trial tonight." [06:56]
• Jeanette: "I'm afraid the masquerade is over. And so is love." [19:52]
• Red Skelton: "I knew it was a water gun." [18:56]

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the "Night Watchman in the Bank" episode, highlighting its key moments, humor, and musical interludes, ensuring that both regular listeners and newcomers can appreciate the richness and charm of this old-time radio show.

Transcript

[Target Commercial]

When it comes to back to school shopping at Target, we believe the best choice is all of the above. From first day butterflies to last day high fives and everything in between at prices that will definitely make your day. For all of the above, it's back to school at Target.

[Del King]

WEAF New York, Eastern Daylight Saving Time begins at 2:00am tomorrow, so don't forget to turn your clocks.

[Red Skelton]

Meanwhile.

[Del King]

A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please.

[Phil Davis]

Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget, change. You never guess, but Avalon cost you less.

[Del King]

Good evening, friends. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley, Jeanette, Phil Davis and the Avalon Orchestra. And the only man in radio who has ears like steam shovels. They pick up all the dirt, Red Skelton.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Say, Dell, where do you get those corny introductions?

[Del King]

Well, I don't know, Red. I guess it's the farmer in the dell.

[Red Skelton]

That's Del King, folks. He's a little tired. Last night he put his mustache up in tin curlers and didn't sleep a wink. Boy, what a mustache. Hey, Skelton, careful you don't get arrested wearing that suit. Ah, hiya, microphone. What do you mean? Do you think I'll get arrested wearing this suit? Well, you're dressed to kill. You like it, huh? Yeah, it fits your personality, plain and simple. Oh, my. Hey, have you been crying or did you wash your face? I've been swimming. Boy, was that water cold. But it didn't bother me. I went right in. I never did find out who pushed me. But whoever it was, they did a good job. I did a swan dive. It was so graceful that two seagulls asked me for my autograph. I stayed in the water for about 20 minutes. I'd have come out sooner, but there was some girls on the beach and I had a run in my bathing suit stocking. Not only that, I had big bags in the knees of my bathing suit. I stayed under smoking. I stayed under the water so long. I stayed under the water so long. The two fish swam by and offered me a worm. But the water was so cold and I finally had to come out. When the folks saw my red hair, blue bathing suit. I mean, wait, I loused that up, didn't I? Wait a minute. I finally had to come out. They're all good if I can only find it. I was in the water so long that two swam by. I said that, didn't I? That's where I heard it when I came out. Of the water and the folks on my red hair, white bathing suit and blue skin. They saluted me. I think it'd been just as well. I'd have went on either. But I wasn't the only one in swimming. Edna Stillwell was there. She didn't exactly have on a bathing suit. She borrowed my handkerchief and said a prayer. Del King went in swimming with that big mustache of his and got mating calls from a walrus. Phil Davis.

[Jeanette]

Phil Davis.

[Avalon Chorus]

Oh.

[Red Skelton]

You'Ll have to quit, lady. We got another program coming on right in back of us. Oh, but we appreciate those laughs. Phil Davis was in swimming and he had on a leopard skin bathing suit. He looked like the Queen Mary in a sarong. He did a high dive in the water and got a nasty letter from the flood control committee. I love to lay around out on the beach and get that sunshine. In fact, I was so brown that three people came up and congratulated me on winning the roper fight. Well, I think I've been out here splashing around long enough, so I'll wait out and let Red Foley dive in with. We've come a long way together. Come on in, fella, the water's fine.

[Avalon Chorus]

We've come a long way.

[Jeanette]

Together.

[Avalon Chorus]

Since we met on the old village grid We've weathered all kinds of weather and to me you are still sweet 16 why care if our hair turns to silver? We still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come come a long way.

[Jeanette]

Together.

[Avalon Chorus]

And we still have a long way to go why care if our hair turns to silver? We still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come a long way way together and we still have a long way to go.

[Del King]

Ladies and gentlemen, if you saw a five dollar bill lying in the street, you wouldn't just pass it up, would you? No siree, you'd grab it up in a hurry. Well, friends, that's only a small part of the money you can save by switching to Avalon's. The quality cigarette that costs 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. Yes, that consistent and repeated saving of 3 to 5 cents on every pack you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a surprisingly short time. And remember, it's money that you wouldn't otherwise have extra money to buy things you need and want. And now about the quality of Avalon cigarettes. We'll match them against any of the popular priced brands on the market today because Avalon have an exclusive quality that can't be surpassed. They're 100% union made from a mild Mellow blend of choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos. As fine a quality tobacco as ever went into a cigarette. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. Never has a price so low but more high quality in a cigarette. Give Avalon's a trial tonight. Bob Strong said he got a big kick out of making this arrangement. And now it's all yours from Stars in the odds. Friends, we forgot to mention that Red Skelton is also the only man in radio who doubles as night watchman and janitor for a bank. As we look in at the Hope and Trust Company, we find our vice president in charge of mops busy with the banking business.

[Red Skelton]

Hello there. Is that you, JB this is Skelton at the Hope and Trust Company. Now about that matter of foreign exchange. Make my order Danish pastry instead of French pastry. Well, okay, let's see. What was I doing here? Oh, yeah, I was going over these books with a dust rag or somebody said door. Who's there? Who's there? You're gonna tell me who's there. Am I gonna have to run for my life? Oh, it's Ms. Stillwell.

[Phil Davis]

Well, it's about time you open the door.

[Red Skelton]

All ready for work. Come in. Take off your thing.

[Phil Davis]

Look, I'm a secretary, not a fan dancer.

[Red Skelton]

Here, let me take your coat and.

[Phil Davis]

What are you laughing at?

[Red Skelton]

Somebody dropped a pot of geraniums on your head and it's stuck there.

[Phil Davis]

That's my new hat.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, well, we got to get some work done here. You take the second floor and I do mean with a scrub brush.

[Phil Davis]

Scrubbing. This is swell. Secretary to a night watchman and janitor. There's only one job worse than mine.

[Red Skelton]

What's that?

[Phil Davis]

Yours.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, yeah. Well, my uncle started out as a night watchman 30 years ago and he's been pretty lucky.

[Phil Davis]

Lucky?

[Red Skelton]

How? He's still got the job. Now hurry and clean up. The president of the bank just called up and said he was going to come down here. He's going to run down here tonight to set that lock on the vault. I wonder who that is. Can't be the president. No president could run that fast, even for a third term.

[Phil Davis]

Well, who is that funny looking goon?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know. It must be the president. Hi, oppressor.

[President of the Bank]

Stand where you are. Don't you move.

[Red Skelton]

Now wait a minute, Prez. Now put that gun away. We've never met before, but I'm your vice president in charge of liquid assets. I fill the. I fill the ink well.

[President of the Bank]

Oh, you're the vice president Huh? I suppose the dame with the funny looking hat is Francis Poykins.

[Red Skelton]

Ms. Stilwell, meet the president of our bank.

[President of the Bank]

The bank?

[Avalon Chorus]

Oh, sure, sure.

[President of the Bank]

I'm the president of the bank.

[Phil Davis]

Well, he looks suspicious to me.

[Red Skelton]

How can you tell wearing a mask? Well, I suppose you want to fix the lock on the vault, eh, Pran?

[President of the Bank]

Fix the lock? What's wrong with it?

[Red Skelton]

Well, don't you remember you just called up and said you forgot to set the time lock. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

[President of the Bank]

And I bring me tools along, too. Yeah, See, here's me blowtorch jimmy and drilling stuff.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, Fred, if you need any help, let me know, will you?

[President of the Bank]

I sure will, chum.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, he's a nice fellow, that guy. They say he's terrific with figures.

[Phil Davis]

I bet the only figures he ever saw were at Minsky's. That's the first time I ever saw the president of a bank with a jimmy.

[Red Skelton]

Well, what's wrong with that? Even the president of the United States has a jimmy. Wait, I'll answer that phone. Hello?

[Officer Herky]

Listen, I want to come down and deposit my cow.

[Red Skelton]

You want to deposit a cow?

[Officer Herky]

Yeah, I want to get the milk certified.

[Red Skelton]

Will you.

[Officer Herky]

Will you do that for me, pal?

[Red Skelton]

Okay, fella. It's in the B.

[Phil Davis]

Look, is that a policeman trying to get in here?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know. Hey, is that a policeman trying to get in?

[Officer Herky]

Well, it ain't Jesse James.

[Del King]

Hercules.

[Red Skelton]

A policeman. Come on in.

[Phil Davis]

Ah, Little boy, blue coat. Why are you out of breath, Herky?

[Officer Herky]

All those darn dead end kids chased me five blocks.

[Red Skelton]

What'd you do to them, Ernie?

[Officer Herky]

Nothing. They stole the pie and I wanted my cut. Not only that, those kids get my goat.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, they get your goat. Here it comes, folks. They get your goat, eh? You mean they steal your billy?

[Phil Davis]

I guess you have to be pretty brave to be a policeman.

[Red Skelton]

Brave?

[Officer Herky]

Why, I captured five desperate killers with my policeman's club.

[Phil Davis]

Weren't you scared?

[Officer Herky]

Oh, Goodness, no. There's 45 members in the club.

[Red Skelton]

I'll bet you. I'll bet you just go around looking for trouble, don't you?

[Officer Herky]

Oh, I'll say I do, Mr. Skelton. Why, a few minutes ago, a car passed me going 45 miles an hour and I said, hey, where do you think you're going? To a fire. And was I embarrassed.

[Red Skelton]

Why?

[Officer Herky]

Why, it was a fire truck. Well, I gotta go now and see if I can find out who shot that man they left hanging over the electric sign.

[Red Skelton]

You mean you're following a clue?

[Officer Herky]

No, I'm following Dick Tracy.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, Herky, you forgot your gun. Get a load of this. Say, I wonder how the Prez is making out with that time lock. Hey, how you doing there, Prez?

[President of the Bank]

Okay, chum. I'd be hitting the jackpot soon.

[Red Skelton]

Well, look out for that bottle of soda pop I got in there. I'm keeping it cool on frozen assets.

[Phil Davis]

Well, put that gun down. You'll scare him to death.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. Having trouble, Pres?

[President of the Bank]

Oh, I can't seem to get the door at this vault open.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I can open it. I wrote the combination down on a piece of paper.

[President of the Bank]

Say, chum. Dad. Swell. Where is it? In your pocket?

[Red Skelton]

No, I was afraid I'd lose it, so I put it in the vault. But don't worry, friends. I think I remember the combination. Let's see now. I was trying to think there for a minute. Oh, yeah. Right, 27.

[Phil Davis]

Right 27.

[Red Skelton]

Left 42.

[Phil Davis]

Left 42.

[Red Skelton]

Right 19.

[Phil Davis]

Right, 19.

[Red Skelton]

Left.

[President of the Bank]

Oh, I'd die if somebody gets bingo before.

[Red Skelton]

What a dopey president that guy is.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

Mr. Skelton, I believe.

[Red Skelton]

Well, the phantom of bank night. I always knew you belonged in a vault.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

And this is your pretty little secretary. My, but you look lovely. You have lips like petals.

[Phil Davis]

If you say bicycle petals, I'll clip you.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, what are you doing here anyway?

[Avalon Chorus]

Me?

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

I'm president of this bank. J. Tepington Tin Box the Third.

[Red Skelton]

The third? You mean there's two other guys? Look like you laugh. You ain't the president of this bank.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

Oh, but I am. See the gray hairs in my toupee?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, what's the idea of gray hairs in your toupee?

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

So the board of directors will think I worry.

[Red Skelton]

Say, if you're the president of the bank, who's that guy over there working on the timeline?

[President of the Bank]

Well, I could be bulldog drumming. But I'm Benny the Bum.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

Benny the Bum, Remember me? Steve the Snicker.

[President of the Bank]

Stevie, what are you doing here?

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm president of this bank.

[Avalon Chorus]

Yeah?

[President of the Bank]

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm robbing the joint.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

Well, how interesting. As a matter of fact, I'm absconding with the fun.

[Red Skelton]

You wouldn't dare.

[Avalon Chorus]

Yes, I would.

[J. Tepington Tin Box the Third]

And as a matter of fact, I'm splitting with Benny the Bum. As a matter of fact, Mr. Skelton, you can help yourself too. It's just some old stuff we were going to send back to the mint.

[Red Skelton]

Bye.

[Phil Davis]

Hey, Mr. Skelton, the best thing you can do is stop these guys.

[Red Skelton]

What's second best? I mean, stick em up, you guys. And if either of you move, I'll die.

[Phil Davis]

Look, here comes Herky.

[Red Skelton]

Officer Herky. Go tell a policeman to call me a cop.

[Officer Herky]

Oh, here I come. Oh, goodness.

[Red Skelton]

Now, hold up.

[Officer Herky]

Here I go.

[Red Skelton]

Come here. Put the handcuffs on them, Herky. Don't stand there shaking like me. There.

[Officer Herky]

There you are, you r2. Oh, Mr. Skelton, thank heavens that's over.

[Red Skelton]

Do you know what you held them up with?

[Officer Herky]

A water pistol.

[Red Skelton]

I knew it was a water gun. The reason I was so scared is because it wasn't loaded.

[Del King]

Jeannette says the path of true love never runs smooth. Here's what happens when the masquerade is over.

[Jeanette]

Your eyes don't shine like they used to shine. And the thrill is gone. When your lips meet mine. I'm afraid the masquerade is over. And so is love. And so is love.

[Red Skelton]

Love.

[Jeanette]

Your words don't mean what they used to mean. They were once inspired. Now that just routine. I'm afraid the masquerade is so good. And so is love. And so is love. I guess I'll have to play Pagliacci and get myself a clown's disguise and learn to laugh like Pagliacci with tears in my eyes. You look the same, you're a lot the same. But my heart, my heart says no, no, you're not the same. I'm afraid the masquerade is. And so is love. And so is love.

[Del King]

Hello there, Skeleton.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, who are you?

[Del King]

Oh, don't be silly. I'm Del King.

[Red Skelton]

I never heard of him.

[Del King]

Listen here, don't give me that stuff. I'm Dell King, and this is a spot where I tell about Avalons.

[Red Skelton]

Avalon.

[Del King]

Avalons. Avalons. The quality cigarettes that cost 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands.

[Red Skelton]

I don't remember your name, but your phrase is familiar.

[Del King]

Listen, you must have a case of amnesia.

[Red Skelton]

You're nuts. I never touch the stuff.

[Del King]

You have. Amnesia. Amnesia. The forgetting sickness.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Del King]

Now try and remember. Now, here is where I say, friends, when you buy Avalon, you get a cigarette 100% union made.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Del King]

Blended from the world's finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos to give you an extra smooth, delightfully mild, thoroughly enjoyable smoke.

[Avalon Chorus]

Oh, sure.

[Del King]

Now, do you remember?

[Red Skelton]

Remember What? Avalon.

[Del King]

They're 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. But you'd never guess they cost you less. I knew that would get you. That shows that you're recovering from what you're forgetting sickness. Your amnesia.

[Red Skelton]

Who's got magnesia? Magnesia?

[Del King]

Oh, I can't be bothered. Now, remember, friends, the next time Ask for Avalon cigarettes.

[Phil Davis]

And don't forget your chain.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. What'd I buy? Oh, wait a minute. My money. Somebody's taking my dough. Where's my money? Come back here. Wait a minute. Where am I at? Oh. Oh. Hi, Adele. Let's make a commercial call.

[Del King]

Some other time.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, Dell, come on back here. Mr. Avalon, he's only kidding. Hey, Dell, Mr. Avalon wants you. Come here. I'm not interested. Hey, you better come. Somebody stop him there. Come on, Dale. You got to make an announcement about Avalon. Cigarette, Dale? I got an option. Coming up soon.

[Avalon Chorus]

Take me back to my boots and saddle Let me see that general storm Let me ride that range once more Give me my bo and saddles Let me ramble along the prairie Open stairs.

[Red Skelton]

On o bar.

[Avalon Chorus]

With my buddies Slim and tense Give me my boots and saddles Got a hankering to be with a banjo on my knees Coming up. Pretty Western, too. There's a gal in Cherokee and she's waiting there for me Wadding beneath the tensile moon so take me back to my boots and saddles Let me greet his place and more on the ranch where I was born Give me my boots and sadd.

[Del King]

That was Red Foley and the Avalon Chorus with their stirring interpretation of Boots and Saddle. Say, Skelton, have you got a saga for this week?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, sir, boy, we got a pip. Napoleon Bonaparte.

[Officer Herky]

Skelton.

[Del King]

Oh, swell. What's it all about?

[Red Skelton]

Well, the time's April 18, 1815, and the place is Waterloo. Now, Napoleon Skelton is lying on the battlefield and he's very sick. You know, he's lost a big battle. And Lady Lou, better known as the Countess of Waleska, is standing right beside Napoleon. And the Lady Lou says, do you want anything, Napoleon? And Napoleon says, yes, water, Lou.

[Phil Davis]

Better, let's save it for next week.

[Red Skelton]

What do we do this way?

[Phil Davis]

Well, that's where I come in. I've written a little skitch.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, a sketch.

[Phil Davis]

Yes, it's a cross between a skit and a sketch, so I call it a sketch.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, for a minute I thought there was something wrong with your English.

[Phil Davis]

You'll like my sketch. Now, the skein takes place.

[Red Skelton]

The skein?

[Phil Davis]

Yes, the skein takes place in the Ozarks, you know, in a sketch. You have skeins. Now, the skein is in the Ozark mountains.

[Red Skelton]

Mountains?

[Phil Davis]

I like mountains better than mountains, don't you?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, mountains make a much better scheme for a sketch. Don't you think so, Del?

[Del King]

Oh, slur. I blink so.

[Red Skelton]

You can't do A play that hadn't been rehearsed.

[Phil Davis]

Well, the listeners have never heard a play that hasn't been rehearsed. So we'll let them know how they sound before they are rehearsed. Okay, so here's your part.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, you set the scene, will you, Del?

[Del King]

All right, Red. Now, what are we going to use for music?

[Phil Davis]

I'll fix it. Okay, Phil, play some mountain music. And an octave faster than that last number you played.

[Red Skelton]

This ain't going to help my Crossley any.

[Del King]

The time. The hottest day in August. The place Warm Mattress, Arkansas. That's just above Hot Springs.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Wait a minute. Is this in the south or the Corn Belt? Where we at?

[Del King]

As the scene opens, we find Ida May talking to Cicero, her boyfriend, who's been married before and is considered the laziest man in the mountains.

[Phil Davis]

Ain't love a wonderful thing?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Phil Davis]

When you got married the first time, did you feel something cold running up and down your back?

[Red Skelton]

Nope. Her pappy held the gun pretty steady. Wait a minute. You can't do things like that on the radio. What are doing you talking about?

[Phil Davis]

Well, did you love her?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, I love the ground she stood on. Till I found out there was a mortgage on the place. Man, it sure is warm in it. Would you mind taking that there handkerchief of yours and wipe the perspiration from my brow?

[Phil Davis]

You're the laziest man I ever saw.

[Red Skelton]

I ain't lazy. I'm just curbing my energy.

[Phil Davis]

Well, you better. Why, you're so skinny. If you had little fuzz on you, they could use you for a stove pipe cleaner.

[Red Skelton]

Sure is hot standing here in the sun, ain't it? Say hi to me. You see that nice shady spot over there under that tree?

[Phil Davis]

Huh?

[Red Skelton]

I'd give anything in the world if I was sitting there.

[Phil Davis]

Well, getting late, ain't it?

[Red Skelton]

Yep.

[Phil Davis]

Ain't you getting hungry?

[Red Skelton]

Yep.

[Phil Davis]

Well, ain't you gonna go home?

[Red Skelton]

Nope. Why? I'm standing in a bear trap. Oh, wait a minute. Get me out of here.

[Del King]

Well, friends, remember the next time when you ask for Avalon Cigarettes, don't forget your chain. We hope you've enjoyed tonight's show and we court, should invite you to be with us next Saturday evening when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. If your community does not observe Daylight Saving Time, please tune in one hour earlier and listen to Red Skelton Tuesday night at 10:30 Eastern Daylight Time when he appears as guest on the Doghouse Program, a new program that we think you like. Dell King speaking. Good night, everybody's station and reach you through the National Broadcasting Company, Weaf, New York, 9:00pm B U L O B A Boulevard Watch time.