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A
With VRBoCare, help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twist, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind.
B
A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please.
C
Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guess, but Avalon's cost you
A
less, so why not always Avalon with Avalon?
D
Good evening, friends. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley and the entire company. As you all know, Next Wednesday is March 15, the last day to pay your income tax. So cheering up the people at the crowded Internal Revenue offices, we find a man whose budget isn't the only thing that's unbalanced.
A
Red Skelton. Boy, what a crowd. No kidding. Everybody's down here at the Internal revenue office. Only 15. Only four more days till March 15th. That's cash Wednesday. Income tax returns. You know what income tax returns is? That's a nervous breakdown on paper.
B
Hello there, Skelton.
A
Hello there, microphone.
E
Hey, do you know that they have a red skull?
A
Yeah. How's it made?
B
Plenty of crust and full of applesauce.
A
Ah, you can't bother me. I'm the Good Samaritan. Tonight I'm down here to cheer these people up. Money, that's what got them worried. Filthy, dirty, old, ugly, gorgeous, beautiful, marvelous. Money. Money used to bother me, but no more. I'm just one from a million. I got the six odds. All I need's the one. A lot of people, when they pay their income tax, they get excited and they fly up in the air and they start to swear. But not me. I never swear. But wherever I stand, grass never grows again.
F
I don't know.
A
Income tax are getting higher every year. It's getting so now, when you walk into a Hotel around March 15, the clerk you ask for a room, he says she wanted for sleeping or jumping. Really a marvelous. Oh, hello, Mr. Skouson. Hello, doctor. Hey, Doc. Did you pay your income tax yet? Yes, and I'm so mad I could operate. But did I tell that collector off? Yeah. What'd you say? Shall I leave out the bad words? You better.
F
Yeah.
A
Oh, then my lips are sealed. Well, I'll see you later, Mr. Skelton. I have to rush over to the hospital. We've got a sail on operations and we're awfully busy over there. That doctor's a marvelous fellow. He's got a grand sense of humor, too. He keeps these patients in stitches. I'd like to heard what he told those tax collectors, though. Those Tax collectors really mean business this year. When they mark your returns paid in the back of the word paid, they stamp a question mark and a picture of Alcatraz. You know what Alcatraz is? That Sing Sing with a World's fair. I better start figuring out my own returns. Here, let's see. That's 495. Hello, Skelton. Hello. Well, Phil Davis, our musical blimp. Say, did you hear what happened to me? No, what happened, Phil? Well, that tax collector took one look at me and said, chubby, you gotta pay a corporation tax. Why, I guess I've lost my old figure. You didn't lose it, Phil. You just gained three new ones. Well, say, Red, what number would you like us to play? Well, how about playing a number? Sort of a warning to the income tax department. You can take all my money, but my heart belongs to Daddy. That's corn. And not even off of the cob yet. Hit it, Phil,
F
On the air.
A
No kidding, boy.
B
Hello, Skelton.
A
Oh, hello, Peter Grant. Hey, what's the matter with you?
B
All right, I'm. I'm downhearted.
A
What's the matter?
B
Sponsor told me I didn't have to make any more commercial announcements on Avalon cigarettes.
A
Oh, you're kidding.
B
Yeah. You see, the millions upon millions of people who have switched to Avalons are spreading the word around that Avalon's really are the outstanding cigarette value on the market today.
F
Yeah.
B
They're saying to all their friends, why pay more for cigarettes when you can get highest quality in AvalonS for 3 to 5 cents less than other popular priced brands?
A
Well, everybody knows that.
B
Can you imagine that, Red?
F
That.
B
That was one of my favorite lines.
A
Yeah. Oh, well, gee, buck up. Maybe the sponsor let you mention something about the tobacco that goes in Avalon.
B
No, we won't. Sponsor said that any smoker that tried Avalon's just once will immediately appreciate that smooth, mild blend of fine Turkish and domestic tobaccos. Yeah, Red, I can't even. Can't even mention that avalons are 100% union made.
A
Oh, you're kidding.
B
Gee, Red. Red, remember when I used to say,
A
the next time ask for Avalon cigarettes? Yeah, those were the days.
B
Boy, I can almost, almost hear that cash register then, Red. And remember how Mary Jane would say, don't forget to change too much for me, Red. I'll be seeing you.
A
Well, don't take it so hard, Grant. Man, remember the old saying, where there's a will, there's a way to plug Avalon. He's a marvelous salesman. Know that, Peter Grant? He could sell a pair of eyebrow tweezers to John L. Lewis.
F
Uh.
A
Oh, it's Red Foley. Let him through there, will you, folks? What do you say? It's a friend of mine, the singing star of Avalon time, Red Foley. Hiya, Foley.
F
Hiya.
G
How you going?
A
Pardon me, neighbor. I didn't mean to step on your foot there. Hey, Foley, maybe you can help me out. My income tax. I'm allowed 10% off, but I'm gonna take 20. Do you think it's all right?
B
Why, sure.
A
Take that 20 and the government will give you five more. All what for? Good behavior. Hey, how about singing your song, Red? Okay, I'll sing Rainbow Valley. Sing it, Red. Camucho gusto Meaning with much feel.
E
While we're there down in Rainbow Valley maybe we'll be pally maybe we'll fall in love there's stormy weather in your eyes and it's cloudy above. Get together, you and I Where there's sunshine and low. Skies are fair down in Rainbow Valley where sweet sue and Sally linger With Jim and Jo Rose is rare blooming Rainbow Valley There we'll dilly dally down where the lovers go it's only a swallow so peaceful and still Follow the swallow across yonder hill While we're there down in Rainbow Valley maybe we'll be pallid maybe we'll fall in love.
A
That's really a nice song tonight. That's really swell singing there, fella. I'm only stalling around. I'd better get to work on my income tax here. Let's see now. I've got four dependents. I'm allowed $400 for each one. At $1,600, I think I'll add one more to that and I'll put the one right in front of the four. That makes 14 dependents. Read all about it here. Man goes to penitentiary for cheating on income taxes. Maybe I better make that four dependents again.
C
Hello, fellow evader.
A
Oh, Miss Stilwell. What do you mean, evader? Why don't you give me the benefit of the doubt?
C
What doubt?
A
Yeah.
C
Say, why don't you laugh at rehearsal? Why don't you get a new suit? Boy, is that thing shiny. Here, hold still. I want to see how I look in your pants.
F
Yes,
A
I'd get a new suit if I could find a way to save some money on these taxes.
C
Yeah, my brother figured out a way to beat the income taxes.
F
Yeah?
A
How'd he work it out?
C
On a rock pile.
A
Yeah.
C
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, trying to cheat the government. And you're standing Right under the picture of George Washington, the man who never told a lie.
A
Yeah, he's also the man who never had to pay income taxes.
C
I'll tell you how you can save some money.
B
How?
C
Get married.
A
Are you kidding? Don't be silly. You couldn't keep a wife in the government on the money I make here. You're my secretary. You figure this thing out for me. Oh, hello, Professor. See, I'm glad to see you. Ah, you look great tonight. You're the first scarecrow I ever saw with false teeth. Oh, your toupee looks simply ravishing. There's a lovely part right in the middle. Thank you. I picked it up at my dear old father's toupee by mistake. Oh, then your part belongs to Daddy. What questions got you stumped this week, Professor? Well, what is an income tax? Income tax?
F
Yes.
A
That's a politician's idea of capital punishment. Thank you so much. Do you like Irish? Yes, I do. Lovely fellows, aren't they? Oh, great fellow, that professor. He's an old bachelor. He's got a head like a doorknob. Any woman can turn it. Same as Stillwell. How you come with that report of mine?
C
All right, but what's this deduction? A $300 fee bill for a horse.
A
That's me. I work like a horse. I may as well take the deduction,
B
Mr. Skelton. I believe.
A
That's a sure sign of early spring when things like you pop out of the ground.
G
This episode is brought to you by Spreaker, the platform responsible for a rapidly spreading condition known as podcast brain. Symptoms include buying microphones you don't need, explaining RSS feeds to confused relatives and saying things like, sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm editing audio. If this sounds familiar, you're probably already a podcaster. The good news is Spreaker makes the whole process simple. You record your show, upload it once, and Spreaker distributes it everywhere. People listen. Apple podcasts, Spotify, and about a dozen apps your cousin swears are the next big thing. Even better, Spreaker helps you monetize your show with ads, meaning your podcast might someday pay for, well, more microphones. Start your show today@spreaker.com spreaker because if you're going to talk to yourself for an hour, you might as well publish it.
B
I represent the law firm of Saggy, Saggy, Saggy and Droop.
A
Well, you're too far gone to be Saggy. You must be the Drew.
B
Here is my card. You care to turn it over? There's a snappy little tolum on the back.
A
I've seen you before. Down in front of the gate. He sell those postcards?
B
Yeah. Then I went in.
A
Yeah. Two concessions, eh?
F
Go ahead.
B
This is your secretary, I believe. You're a beautiful girl. You look like a million.
C
Yeah, and I'm just as hard to get too.
B
Mr. Skelton, I only have a minute to spare. I'm due over at the courthouse where I have a ten dollar case and two small Owens. My part of the firm specializes in income tax returns. Now, for Mr. Toe, a big rubber man from Akron, I saved $36,000. All he gave the government was $10.
C
He saved $36,000. Isn't he stretching things a bit?
A
He ain't holding any back.
B
Then there was Mr. Platt.
A
No, better call him Jackson. Jackson? Hey, that's the guy who's separates husbands from wives, isn't it?
C
A divorce lawyer?
A
No, he's a twin bed salesman.
B
Oh, yes, yes, I. I saved Mr. Platt $52,000 and all he gave the government was $10. Now, if I handle your account, the most you'll give the government will be $10.
A
Yeah, the least the government will give me is 10 years.
B
Well, now, you shouldn't be so skeptical. Remember the little poem, Opportunity knocks any day. An ambulance, a case. I'm on my way.
A
Big lawyer. That guy's so crooked he can give transfusions to corkscrews. Say, how's that income tax sheet, mister?
C
Well, I don't know. Maybe you better let the man at the window check it.
F
Okay.
A
Come on, go over here with me. Hey, Jackson, would you check this over for me? Yeah. Let's see. Well, if you want this thing to be legal, you gotta sign your name. What's this O for? You can't write. Sign an X. Did I put an O there? Oh, gee, that's my stage name. Come on, add this up for me, will you, fella? What do you mean add it up? Adding ain't my job. I'm just contact man between you and Morgan.
F
Pa. El.
A
How much they owe? Could you tell me that? George Washington didn't pay any income tax, so why should you? What's George Washington got to do with me? With all the dependents you've got listed. You're the new father of your country and you don' Know it.
D
Jeanette sings the song everyone is asking for. Deep Purple
F
when the a deep purple fall over sleepy garden wall and the stars begin to flicker in the sky. Through the midst of a memory few one surrender Back to me Breathing my name with a sigh in the steel of the night Once again I hold you tight Though you're gone, your love lives on when moon life. And as long as my heart will be Lover will always me here in my deep sa. Sam.
D
Swinging the hit tunes of long ago is still the order of the day. Here's Bob Strong's swingaroo arrangement of a 20 year old favorite, Alice Holiday.
B
Ladies and gentlemen, if a package of Avalon cigarettes could talk, it would say something like this. Boy, do I make friends easily. A smoker tries me just once and I'm his pal from then on. Yes sir, I've got that personality that wins friends and influences people. Yes folks, that winning personality of Avalon's is making friends with millions upon millions of smokers from coast to coast. And it's no wonder Avalons give you
D
more for your money.
B
Give you finest quality cigarettes for 3 to 5 cents less than other popular priced brands. And friends, make no mistake about it. Avalons are highest quality, 100% union made from the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos the world affords. With all the high quality you demand in any cigarette, you'd never guess they cost you less. The next time you need cigarettes, forget their price habit. Give your thrifty judgment a chance. Ask for Avalon cigarettes.
C
Well, Mr. Skelton, now that you've got your income tax trouble straightened out, what are you frowning about? Oh, you've got so many wrinkles in your forager. Looks like a seven layer case.
A
Well, I think the head got in there and he got a big laugh. All right, I'm worried. All of us skeletons start worrying around March I the 15th. With this generation it was income taxes. But it all started with Julius Caesar Skelton. On March 15th in 4044 B.C. that he died with what was known as a well known death. In those days he was assassinated.
D
Hey, Red, you know I know all about Julius Caesar Skelton. And you know me being an old historian like I am. Shall I do the honors and set the scene?
F
Okay, dad. Okay.
B
What music.
D
The time. March 15, 44 B.C. the place Julius Caesar Skelton's private chambers in the house of the Roman Senate. It's a great day for Caesar Skelton. For this day he expects to be crowned emperor. And as the scene opens, we find him with his secretary, Octavius Dillwell.
F
Oh, what a beautiful day.
C
Hey Caesar, bring us here.
A
Show them in. I mean, it is a beautiful thing. Open up the window so I can throw out my chest.
F
What?
C
Chat every time you take your cap. Every time you take your cape off, it looks like the unveiling of a broom.
A
Ah, don't bother me today. I'm a nervous man. Senate sure is taking their time today.
C
Yeah. Do you think they'll pass any of your bills?
A
What do you mean, pass any of the bills? Well, last night at dinner, they wouldn't even pass the potatoes. But there's one there I'm counting on. They've got to put through the NRA nra?
G
Yeah.
A
No Roman assassination, see? I wonder if they pass more of my bills if I'd have conquered more of Gaul.
C
I don't know. You got plenty of gall now.
A
Say, maybe Senate's already going home. I'll peek in here and see if they're still in session. Yep, they're still in session.
C
Oh, here comes your wife, Calpurnia.
A
Ah, come in. Come in, Calpurnia. So, alone with your secretary again, eh, Caesar? Is it okay with you if I do? I mean. Oh, by the way, dear, you were talking in your sleep last night. Do you begrudge me those few words, Caesar? I wouldn't get too close to those senators today. I had a dream last night. Oh, another one, huh? She's always dreaming, Octavia. A couple of nights ago, she dreamt I was a horse. When I woke up, she'd stuffed half the straw mattress down my throat. What was it this time? California? I dreamt you were a pigeon soaring through the air, and all the senators are throwing spears at you.
C
When suddenly you fell dead at my feet.
F
Uh. Oh.
A
Now I'm a dead pigeon. Well, take care of yourself, dear.
C
I'll be going now.
G
So can you. Me?
F
Goodbye.
A
Oh, I'm busy. Kiss Octavia. I'll get it from her later. Say, is there any mail, Octavia?
C
Yes, There's a letter from Cashes.
A
Oh.
C
He says he owes you $10, but he only sent nine.
A
That's okay. 10% off for cashes.
C
By the way, your friend Pompeii hasn't shown up yet.
A
I don't think he's going to be here. I had a duel with him last week, and I think I killed him.
C
You think you killed him? Well, what makes you think that?
A
I don't know. Three days after the duel, they buried him. Think of it. Today Senate may make me emperor. And as I walk out on the streets, people will shout, hail, Imperator. Hail Imperator. How do you know? I got some stooges planted. That's gonna be a great day. Hail, Imperato. Hail, Interrupter. I mean, oh, Brutus Foley.
F
Hiya, Brutus.
A
Hiya, Sees.
F
Hi ya.
C
Hiya, brutes.
A
Come on into the Senate, Caesar, we got a surprise for you. Well, your boys. You wanna give me a reception?
D
Well, we're gonna make a stab at it.
F
Yeah, I don't know.
A
I don't think I ought to go in there.
E
Ah, come on.
A
Come on in now. The boys have got something worked out that'll kill you.
F
I don't know.
A
I think I better stay out of there. Something tells me the boys is going to give me a Mickey Finnegan. Hey, Octavia.
C
Yes, Mark Anthony?
B
I want you to hear this speech I've written for tomorrow. Boy, have I really got a terrific opening. Listen, friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears.
A
I come to bury Pete and. Oh, hello, Caesar. I didn't see you there. Well, you'll hear it tomorrow. See you later.
F
I don't know.
A
There's something awful phony going on around here. That guy looked right at me when he said he was gonna bury something.
C
Oh, go on in there. If you really wanna know what it's all about, I'll tell you. It's only the senators. They're waiting for you with big knives.
A
Oh, well, that's this, huh?
C
Go ahead. What are you worrying about? The knives are dull.
F
Well, that's.
A
Oh, d. Are you afraid?
F
What?
A
Me, Big Caesar? Afraid of those little sawed off shrimps in there? I hope they tell you I am.
F
But they.
A
But they wouldn't kill me. They'd have the people to answer to. Ah, come on, let's go in. Oh, take it easy.
F
Shut down.
A
Wait a minute, boy. Break it up, please. What do you think I am, a pin cushion?
C
Brutus Foley, you and the rest of the senators, you'll have to the people to answer for this.
E
Oh, no, we won't.
A
They'll never blame us because today we changed Caesar's name from Julius to William.
C
Oh, so you think they won't hold you responsible just because you changed his name to William?
A
That's right, Octavia. The people will think nothing of it when they learn Senate has just killed a bill.
D
Here's a beautiful new melody inspired by the magic beauty of red skies in the night. Red Foley and the Avalon Chorus Sing it for us.
E
Blue shadows are falling here at eventide and I am recalling when you were by my side Red skies in the
F
night
E
Are a shepherd's delight Red skies in the night Bring a vision of vision of you alone by a stream where the meadows are green All I do is dream when the long day is through? While your sheep are strange? You keep calling her name? And my heart keeps saying? Sweetheart? Come back again? Oh, shepherds in love? Yet I'm lonely And blue? Red skies in the night? Bring a vision? Oh, you.
A
Say, Foley, are you all. Are you all cleared up on your income tax?
F
Yep.
A
I paid it with a smile. I tried to do that once, but they wanted money. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody.
D
Next Saturday evening, at the same time, when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. My Heart Belongs to Daddy is From. Leave it to Me. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time originated in the studios of the nature station and has reached you through the National Broadcasting Company.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Avalon Time - Income Tax Problems
Date: March 17, 2026
This episode of "Avalon Time" places listeners in the frantic days ahead of the March 15th income tax deadline. Through zany skits, musical numbers, and rapid-fire jokes, Red Skelton and the Avalon cast poke fun at the woes of paying taxes, government bureaucracy, and comedic attempts to outsmart the taxman. The program delivers a blend of then-topical humor, vaudeville banter, and nostalgia for the Golden Age of Radio.
[00:43–02:28]
[02:29–05:35]
[05:35–07:15]
[07:22–09:57]
[09:57–12:14]
[13:24–15:12]
[16:22–18:51]
[21:57–27:39]
[27:57–30:18]
[30:18–30:34]
“Avalon Time – Income Tax Problems” captures both the anxiety and absurdity of tax season, viewed through the lens of 1940s radio humor. The episode’s blend of sharp gags, clever parodies, lively music, and affectionate nods to historic events keeps the mood light even as everyone scrambles to beat the tax deadline. Red Skelton’s comic timing and the ensemble’s playful chemistry make it a classic sampling of Golden Age radio at its silliest and most relatable.