Avalon Time - Marco Polo Skelton

Summary

Avalon Time - “Marco Polo Skelton”

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
**Featured: Red Skelton, Del King, Kurt Massey (subbing for Red Foley), Peter Grant, and others
Theme: Radio comedy-variety from the golden age, centerpiecing a satirical sketch on Marco Polo, along with comic banter, musical numbers, and classic cigarette ads.

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Episode Overview

This episode captures the comedic, whimsical, and lighthearted spirit of late-1930s radio variety. While championing Avalon Cigarettes (with sponsor banter woven throughout), the show delivers signature Red Skelton routines, a musical performance filling in for an ailing Red Foley, and a featured comedy sketch: "Marco Polo Skelton." Listeners experience a blend of slapstick, witty exchanges, and period humor, capped by musical interludes and a lively company cast.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Banter & Cigarette Jingles (00:04–01:14)

• The show dives in quickly with a satirical cigarette purchase routine, using jingles and tongue-in-cheek sponsor messaging.
• Hosts and Red Skelton riff off each other, blending humor and promotion.
• Notable quote:
  • "You never guess, but Avalon's cost you less." (A & B, 00:07, and recurring)

2. Red Skelton’s Standup: New York Adventures (00:45–04:43)

• Skelton returns from filming in New York and launches into a monologue filled with verbal slapstick and self-deprecating jokes about his appearance.
• Anecdotes cover subway crowds ("like a sardine can"), giving up his seat to a fainting lady, and short spring dresses (“like a barbed wire fence…”).
• Notable quote:
  • “I got one brother that's so ugly he's got a job standing in front of a drugstore to make people sick.” (D, 01:22)
  • “Dresses this year? Like a barbed wire fence. They protect the property, but they don't obstruct the view.” (D, 01:44)

3. Sponsor Play & Flirtatious Spring Banter (04:43–06:22)

• Extended sponsor comedy, linking the coming of spring to the urge for Avalons.
• Flirtatious, pun-filled exchanges between Red Skelton and Peter Grant keep the tone light.
  • “Feel that tremendous urge to travel on with Avalon.” (A, 05:08)
  • “I'll buy your flowers. I mean, give me a pack of Avalons, please.” (D, 05:29)

4. Musical Interlude: "Old Folks" (06:22–08:35)

• With regular singer Red Foley out sick, Kurt Massey steps in to perform scheduled songs.
• The sentimental tune “Old Folks” is performed, offering a gentle interlude.

5. Male Escort Service Comedy: Skelton at the Phones (08:35–14:48)

• Red Skelton attempts running a “male escort service,” resulting in a whirlwind of puns and misunderstandings.
• Characters jockey for date opportunities; running jokes about mustaches and “stylish stout” men abound.
• Noteworthy exchanges:
  • “If a man answers, we hang up.” (B, 08:35)
  • “I'm kind of afraid of that mustache, Del.” (D, 09:56)
  • “My grandfather had a mustache that was so long, one day he was twirling it and someone yelled contact and he took off.” (D, 10:26)
• Self-aware humor and skits play on gender roles, with Red poking fun at himself and his friends.

6. More Musical Numbers & Banter (15:46–18:26)

• Jeanette and others perform “Heaven Can Wait,” a romantic ballad fitting the spring motif.
• The host and performers continue tongue-in-cheek interactions, shifting smoothly back to sponsor content.

7. Sponsor Monologue & Cigarette Pitch (20:16–21:50)

• Extended advertisement for Avalon Cigarettes delivered in-character by show regulars.
• Emphasis on affordability and comparison with other brands.

8. The Big Comedy Sketch: "Marco Polo Skelton" (22:01–27:19)

• Satirical historical adventure: Red Skelton stars as Marco Polo (“Skelton”) visiting Kubla Khan’s palace.
• Puns, slapstick, and culture gags abound: mistaken translations, “colorblind Venetians,” and wordplay about harem sizes.
• Memorable Lines:
  • "Say, did this happen in Brooklyn? Was the kid light complected? ...Brown eyes? ...Curly white teeth?" — lampooning melodramatic lost-family clichés (D & A, 15:15–15:24)
  • “That was supposed to be 12 colored Venetian blinds.” (D, 24:31)
  • “I'd like to take you into my torture chamber and spring one of those trap doors to the lion's den.” (G, 25:46)
  • “I'm reading between the lines.” (D, 27:03)
• Cheeky tension as Skelton ‘escapes danger’ through comic wit.

9. Final Musical Number: "Chapel in the Moonlight" (27:19–29:46)

• Kurt Massey and the Avalon Chorus deliver a lush, sentimental closing song.

10. Closing Comedy & Farewells (29:46–30:42)

• More cigarette wordplay, affectionate nods to “Avalon brothers,” and a final invitation to tune in next week.
• Skelton’s closing:
  • “I hope that my little quibs have brought a grin to your face.” (D, 30:30)
• Show credits roll out.

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Notable Quotes & Comic Moments

• On Avalon Cigarettes:

  • “You never guess, but Avalon's cost you less.” (multiple times throughout)
  • “That's why millions are changing to Avalons. The outstanding cigarette value on the market today.” (A, 05:45)

• On Skelton’s Look:

  • “I don't say I have to say funny things to make people laugh.” — “No, not with a face like yours.” (D & A, 01:14–01:16)

• On Adventure:

  • “Only three more miles. Then it's my turn to carry you.” (D, Marco Polo sketch, 22:55)
  • “I'm reading between the lines.” (D, 27:03; after dodging danger in Kubla Khan’s palace)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:04 – Cigarette Jingle & Show Start
• 00:45 – Red Skelton’s Standup & New York Anecdotes
• 04:43 – Spring Banter, Sponsor Comedy
• 06:22 – “Old Folks” Song by Kurt Massey
• 08:35 – Skelton’s Male Escort Service Sketch
• 15:46 – Romantic Ballad: “Heaven Can Wait”
• 20:16 – Sponsor Solo: Cigarette Monologue
• 22:01 – "Marco Polo Skelton" Feature Sketch
• 27:19 – Closing Musical Number: “Chapel in the Moonlight”
• 29:46 – Comic Wrap-Up & Goodnights

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Summary

This episode of Avalon Time delivers a fast-paced blend of Red Skelton’s patented slapstick, clever sponsor integration, and full-cast skits. Musical relief is provided by Kurt Massey, standing in for Red Foley, adding warmth and variety. The episode’s highlight—an irreverent spoof of Marco Polo’s adventures—demonstrates Skelton and company’s knack for twisting history into comedic gold, while affectionate group banter, running gags (mustaches, Avalons), and quick-tongued repartee make for a nostalgic and spirited listen.

Perfect for fans of golden-age radio, lovers of classic comedy, or anyone curious about America’s pre-TV entertainment era.

Transcript

[A]

A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please.

[B]

Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You never guess, but Avalon's cost you less.

[A]

Good evening, friends.

[C]

Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley and the entire company. But first tonight we want you to meet a man who's fit as a

[A]

fiddle, bow, legs and everything, Red Skelton.

[D]

Thank you very much. Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I feel great tonight. I just got back to New York City where I finished my third picture for Warner Brothers. Funny thing, every picture I make, they make me play the part of a synth.

[A]

That's the trouble with being a type.

[D]

Yeah. Hello there, microphone.

[A]

Well, Skelton, it's about time you spoke to me.

[D]

Well, I'm sorry, Mike. Gee, really, I don't know what to say.

[A]

Say something funny for a change.

[D]

I don't say I have to say funny things to make people laugh.

[A]

No, not with a face like yours.

[D]

Listen, I am the best looking one in my family. You can imagine what the rest of them look like. I got one brother that's so ugly he's got a job standing in front of a drugstore to make people s. I don't know why I'm telling you about my family. Microphone. I came out to tell the folks about my trip to New York. I really had a lot of fun, too. I took a ride on the subway. You know what a subway is? Has a sardine can on wheels. But the one I was on wasn't so crowded. I had a strap all to myself. There was a lady got on it and I got up to give her my seat. And just as I got up, I said, would you have my seat? And she fainted.

[E]

When she came through to.

[D]

She thanked me and I fainted. Then went over to Radio City, over to the RCA building. Over Radio City to see that big building there and what elevators they've got elevators that take you 60 stories in three seconds. Sure does. Rockefeller Center. Went over to Fifth Avenue and saw the latest spring styles. Oh, boy, are the dresses short this year. Dresses this year? Like a barbed wire fence. They protect the property, but they don't obstruct the view. Went down the railroad station. I walked up to the information desk and I said, have you got a fast train out here for Cincinnati? He says, no moment. We got a fast train out here for Washington D.C. i said, who wants to go to Washington? He says, thomas Dewey. Could be. Play it, Phil. Could be.

[A]

Oh, the flowers that bloom them in the spring oh, hello, Skeleton.

[D]

Hiya, Peter Grant. What this trouble are business, huh?

[A]

It's spring, Red.

[D]

Beautiful spring. I get it. Go ahead and spring it.

[A]

Yes, Red, in the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of Avalon.

[D]

Cigarette?

[A]

Very good, Red.

[D]

I see you too, feel the call of spring.

[A]

Feel that tremendous urge to travel on with Avalon.

[D]

Let them laugh. Let them laugh. Let him laugh.

[A]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[D]

Well, if I know you, Peter, you'll put some more right back in again.

[A]

Right you are, Red. Avalons are extra smooth, delightfully mild, thoroughly enjoyable.

[D]

Okay, okay, little girl. I'll buy your flowers. I mean, give me a pack of Avalons, please.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[B]

At the moment, Mitchell Skelton, don't forget your change. You never guess. But Avalon's cost you less.

[A]

Yes, 3 to 5 cents less than other popular priced brands.

[D]

Keep punching there, Peter.

[A]

That's why millions are changing to Avalon's. The outstanding cigarette value on the market today. Well, be seeing you, Rat.

[D]

I know. A little later on in the program.

[E]

Oh, the flowers are blooming the spring.

[D]

Old Peter Grant, an old foal guy with springing.

[A]

He's hard, huh?

[C]

Yes, friends, that. That's the yodel theme that usually introduces the singing star of Avalon Time, Red Foley. But we're sorry to say that Red's not with us tonight. He's on the sick list. But we expect him back with us next week. And tonight, Kurt Matthey not only takes Red's place, but sings the very songs originally scheduled. Kurt, a mighty fine audience would like to hear you sing.

[A]

Old folk,

[F]

Everyone know him as old folks. Like the seasons he'll come and he'll go. Just as free as a bird and as good as his word. That's why everybody loves him so. Always leaving his spoon in his coffee. Puts his napkin up under his tins. And that yellow cob pipe, it's so mellow it's ripe. You needn't be ashamed of him. In the evening after supper, what story he would tell. How he held his speech at Gettysburg for Lincoln that day. I know that one so well. Don't quite understand about old folks. Did he fight for the blue or the gray? For he's so diplomatic and so democratic, we always let him have his will.

[B]

Hello, this is the Skeleton Mail Escort Service. If a man answers, we hang up. You want a force for bridge, I know just the dummy. I'll send Mr. Skelton right over.

[D]

Listen, I may be dumb, but I don't chase water wagons three blocks to tell a man his wagon was leaking. Miss Stilwell, how did the mail escort market open today?

[B]

Tall, dark and handsome preferred. Not common, short, slow and sloppy.

[D]

How about that? Me running a one man male escort service all for myself. And to think my friends used to call me Stinky. What's on the books for tonight?

[B]

Let's see. I have calls from five different ladies.

[D]

Five? I don't think we can handle it.

[B]

Well, hire more escorts. You can't run a male escort service and take all the dates yourself.

[D]

Oh, no? Well, you don't hear any of the women complaining, do you?

[C]

Or do you?

[D]

I'll take this. Hello? This is the wrong number.

[A]

Hiya, folks.

[D]

Is what happened there? Oh, the mustache is here again.

[C]

Say, what's this male escort service business? Sounds kind of tricky.

[D]

No, it's not. Women call up and usually want a date in a hurry. And we usually send mates.

[C]

Well, Red, you might put me down on the list.

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

I'm kind of afraid of that mustache, Del.

[C]

Oh, now, wait a minute. I don't see why there's something romantic about about a mustache. Yeah, just think of the good old days when America was Fuller Brush men.

[D]

Hello, Corn. What do you hear from the cop?

[C]

Nothing, Nothing. But I'm all ears.

[D]

Ah, shuck. That ain't in here either. Oh, you better not let that mustache grow too long. My grandfather had a mustache that was so long, one day he was twirling it and someone yelled contact and he took off.

[C]

Okay, but listen, it's indecent for men to go around with their upper lips in the nude. Well, I'll see you later, Rhett.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

You know, Del King's good looking. Maybe we should give his mustache a try.

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

Mustache is pretty ticklish. Business. Oh, hello, Mr. Skel, sir. Oh, hello. How are you, Hercules? There's nothing today, Hercules. Call around later.

[B]

Well, my goodness, did I do something

[D]

wrong the last time out?

[B]

If anybody's got any complaining to do, it's me. That girl just danced me to Smither Beans. Why, when I got home I was so tired I had to wash the dishes in bed.

[F]

Oh, aren't you the one.

[B]

Well, if there's no dates, I'll be seeing you.

[D]

I feel just like Mahatma Gandhi.

[B]

Just another day wasted away.

[D]

Great fellow, that Hercules. Hiya, Skelton. Well, Phil, Phil Davis. Hiya, men.

[B]

Hiya, Phil.

[D]

Hello, Ms. Stilwell. Phil, have a deploy. Boy meets girl. Say, Skelton, I'd prefer it if you would refer to me as a stylish stout. Anyway, I'm starting to reduce. Yeah, and believe me, it's time to reduce When a fella's girl says the three's a crowd.

[B]

Say, Phil, would you like me to put your name down on the date list?

[D]

Boy, I sure would. Hey, maybe we got something here. A one man double date. Say, can you dance? Why, yeah, I can rumble.

[C]

I mean rumba.

[D]

I bet you're a wiz at the tangle too. Well, I'll keep you in mind, Phil. Okay. Skinny pants.

[B]

Feels nice, isn't he?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Swell fellow. A good musician too. Did you hear his new song? I surround you dear.

[B]

Hello. This is a scout and male escort service. What? You want something well groomed in tail. Do you want Red Skelton or a horse?

[D]

That's a good one. What'd she say?

[B]

A horse.

[D]

A horse. I don't get it. Maybe you're right, Ms. Stilwell. Maybe we should get some other men. What kind do you prefer? The conceited or the other kind?

[B]

What other kind

[A]

of Mr. Skelton, I believe.

[D]

Ho ho, ho, ho ho. Careful of that dirty laugh, fellow. We have a mixed crowd here.

[F]

I'm out to have some fun.

[A]

I am ex Admiral Burlap.

[D]

Ex Admiral Burlap.

[F]

Yes.

[G]

Yes.

[D]

What'd they do, sack you? Yes.

[B]

Are you really an admiral?

[F]

Yes, indeed.

[A]

Here's a picture of me in action.

[B]

But you're standing in back of everybody.

[D]

He's probably a rear admiral. Boy, look at that funny looking hat you're wearing.

[A]

Yes, but look at those medals on my chest.

[D]

What'd you get those medals for? For wearing that hat.

[A]

I got most of those medals for helping Dewey take Manila.

[D]

Yeah? What'd you do when Dewey took Manila?

[A]

I took strawberries. Now I'd like for you to supply me with an escort. Some a killer diller who can put me here quick to flip.

[D]

We got a jitterbug in here.

[A]

Now your secretary, she's a cute little number. You think you could like a guy like me?

[B]

Sure, if he wasn't too much like you.

[A]

Very good. But now I'd like for you to take me where the younger crowd hangs out. I'm looking for my son.

[D]

Oh, you are?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

25 years ago when I joined up, my wife ran away with my little son. Since that time I've saved a half million dollars for the little fellow and I must find him.

[D]

A half a million dollars? Say, did this happen in Brooklyn? Yes. Was the kid light complected?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Brown eyes? Yes. Curly white teeth? Yes.

[E]

Red hair?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Jeanette is here to echo love's latest declaration.

[A]

When it's spring. Heaven can wait.

[E]

Heaven can wait? This is paradise. Just being here with you and breathing the air you do. Heaven can wail, Darling, it's true this is paradise. Gazing at all your charms. It's heavenly in your arms. Heaven can wail? You must be an angel on a visit from the sky. Now I look at heaven when I look into your eyes. Heaven can wait? This is paradise. Loving the way we do. Until I go there with you? Heaven can. This is paradise. Loving the way we do. Until I go there with you. Heaven can wait.

[C]

Want some seafood, Mama?

[E]

Yes, boys and girls there, it's.

[C]

By the way, friends, Hold Tight was introduced on Avalon Time by the Andrew Sisters.

[A]

All right, Peter Grant, Ladies and gentlemen. I've been telling you for many weeks now that Avalon cigarettes are the outstanding cigarette value on the market. Yes, I've been saying it. And millions of you people have been proving it for me every day by your repeated purchases. Millions of smokers buy Avalons in preference to all other brands because the found Avalons give them more for their money. Why don't you switch to Avalons and get more for your money? Get finest quality cigarettes for 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. You positively have everything to gain. Make no mistake about that, because Avalons are highest quality. In fact, you could want no finer quality cigarette. Regardless of price, regardless of brand. They're 100% union made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos obtainable and give you a thoroughly enjoyable, smooth, mild smoke. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. What more could you possibly demand in a cigarette? Superior quality tobaccos. A super fine blend at a real savings. The next time, ask for Avalon and save the different.

[D]

Say, Mr. Skelton, why, it's warm in here tonight. A lot of humility, isn't it?

[B]

Mr. Skelton?

[D]

Yes?

[B]

Would you take me to the family theater tonight to see that picture, Marco Polo?

[D]

Nah, I don't want to see that picture. They make a picture of one of my ancestors and they won't even give me a part in it.

[B]

Now don't tell me that Marco Polo, Marco Polo.

[D]

Skelton was one of my ancestors.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

How come you know so much about skeletons? Ancestors.

[C]

Red gives me five bucks to agree with him. So again, I'll set the scene so Red can tell the story.

[D]

Okay, Del.

[C]

Okay, Red.

[D]

Where they get that music?

[C]

The year 1278, during the Dynasty of the great Kuba the Khan. The place outside the walls of the city of Shangtu, China. As the scene opens, we find Marco Polo Skelton, the adventurer and his secretary approaching the palace of Kubalikan.

[B]

Marco Polo. I'm so tired. Can't I rest for a few minutes?

[E]

No.

[D]

Only three more miles. Then it's my turn to carry you.

[B]

Well, I'm not going to carry you any farther.

[D]

Hey, what's the idea of dropping me?

[B]

I didn't drop you. I threw you. It was strictly occidental.

[D]

Oh, yeah? Well, you're fired. You go back to Venice.

[B]

Oh, no, you can't fire me. Your father sent me along to see that you don't fall in love with one of those pretty little Chinese girls.

[D]

Oh, yeah? Well, can I help it if the girls vamp me?

[B]

Yeah, well, I've heard you give them the old oil too.

[A]

So what?

[D]

A little oil for the vamps of China.

[B]

How about the one you were so crazy about last week?

[D]

You mean little Yum Yum? Oh, I gave her up.

[B]

Are you sure?

[D]

Yep. I left her sitting on her pagoda. Well, here's Kubla Khan Palace.

[E]

Beep.

[D]

Ring that doorbell.

[E]

Beep.

[D]

Gee, I hope they're home.

[E]

Beep.

[B]

What's this peep business?

[D]

Something I had for lunch.

[E]

Beep.

[B]

Well, what was it?

[D]

I had some bird nest soup. Forgot to take the birds out.

[E]

Beep.

[D]

Ah, greetings to the great Kubla Khan.

[A]

Marco Polo Skelton, I believe. And Ms. Stilwell. Well, well, well, my dear. You look like an old flower.

[B]

Yeah, you look a little wildered yourself.

[D]

Say, how was that last shipment of goods I sent Khan? Everything satisfactory?

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, the shipment was all right, except for the 12 colorblind Venetians.

[D]

Oh, well, that was a slight air in the stock room. That was supposed to be 12 colored venetian blinds.

[A]

No wonder they objected when I hung them at the windows.

[D]

Hey, who threw that hatchet? Gang Green setting in, I did.

[G]

Did you like my little joke?

[D]

Yeah, she was very funny. You threw that hatchet. I thought I'd splay.

[A]

Well, I'll leave you folks with my honorable executioner Akmar. I must tell my favorite sons that you're here.

[B]

Which are your favorite sons?

[A]

Khan Awu, Abu Aslu, AGU and afu.

[D]

Hurry up, Khan.

[G]

Hey, Stillwell, I'd like to marry you and make you the favorite wife in my harem.

[B]

Do you have a harem like Kubla Khan?

[F]

Oh, dear, no.

[G]

Khan has 200 wives. I only have 75.

[D]

Oh, you're practically a bachelor.

[G]

Say, Polo Skelton, you make me sick.

[D]

You don't give me an appetite look

[G]

me straight in the eye and say that.

[D]

I can't look you straight in the eye.

[G]

Why not?

[D]

You got slants in your gland.

[G]

I'd like to take you over to my torture chamber and spring one of those trap doors to the lion's den.

[D]

Oh, you would, huh?

[G]

I'd do it too, if you weren't such a friend of the great Khan.

[D]

Yeah?

[G]

Remember what Confucius said? Why, someday the worm will turn so what?

[D]

He looks the both same on both ends.

[B]

Who's this Confucius?

[G]

He's the honorable one who gave us US Proverbs. Guess what of his books?

[D]

See, I'd like to read that sometime. You would?

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Well, step over into my torture chamber. The light's much better there.

[D]

Yeah, but.

[E]

But no, I don't think I ought

[D]

to read it today. Come on.

[E]

Come on.

[F]

Why not?

[E]

Come on.

[G]

I'll keep my trap. Sh.

[D]

All right, but I don't know. I don't think I should be going in here to read this book.

[E]

Oh, the trap door.

[G]

There he goes, and good riddance to him. Why, that's the strangest sight I've ever seen. The lions are standing on both sides of him while he reads the book.

[B]

Are you all right? Marco Polo Skelton.

[D]

Yeah, I'm okay. As long as I got these books. These animals won't bother me. I'm reading between the lines.

[C]

When the composer is Billy Hill, when the singers are Kurt Massey and the Avalon Chorus, the result is a musical treat. It's the chapel in the moonlight.

[F]

There's a little old church that's covered with moss Where I held your hand tenderly I often go there to gaze at the cross and dream that you come back to me How I'd love to to hear the O In the chapel in the moonlight While we're strolling down the aisle where roses entwine

[A]

How

[F]

I'd love to hear you in the chapel in the moonlight Let the love of light in your eyes Forever will shine. Till the roses

[A]

till the organ 10. If you never come I'll still be there Till the moon I turn to

[F]

daw How I love to hear the choir in the chapel in the moonlight as they sing oh, promise me forever be mine.

[A]

Remember, friends, when you ask ask for Avalon. Cigarette?

[B]

Don't forget your change.

[A]

Yes. Avalon Cigarettes, dear friends, Cost several cents less than others. You too can save this difference like all of us Avalon brothers each pack is wrapped in cellophane each pack is union made no wonder folks from coast to coast say Avalon See the parade so why not always revolong with Avalon.

[C]

Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalon's cost only $0.10 plus City or state tax.

[A]

Program.

[D]

And I hope that my little quibs have brought a grin to your face. And if you'd like to bring a smile to your face this week, try an Avalon. This is Red Felton saying good night for Red Poland.

[C]

Be with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time originated in the studios of the Nation station. And has reached you through the National Broadcasting Company.