
Avalon Time - Napolean Bonapart Skelton
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A
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B
Weaf new york. A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please.
C
Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess that Avalon cost you
D
less, so why not always travel on with av.
B
Good evening, friends. This is Del King lifting the cellophane curtain on another half hour of Avalon time with Red Foley, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strong and his orchestra. And the only man in radio with patch pockets and pants to match, Red Skelton.
D
Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Listen, Dell, there's no patches in my pants. That's a shadow.
B
That's the first shadow I ever saw with a seam.
D
Good old Del King. Half man, half mustache. Hey, Scout. Yes, Mike? Are you a college boy, or did a horse step on your hat? Listen, Michael, you better be good or you won't go to heaven. I'd just as soon go where you're going. How do you know that's where I'm going? You own the place. Yes. What makes you think I own the place? At rehearsal, I heard the sponsor giving it to you. You don't bother me. Microphone. I just got back from Louisville where I paid a visit at the Kentucky Derby.
E
What?
D
I mean paid. But I really had a lot of fun down it. You should have seen me. I wore a high silk hat, white spats, a frocktail coat, and for a novelty, I wore shoes. I was with Mr. Avalon, our sponsor. He'd tell a joke and I'd laugh and I'd tell a joke and he'd tell a joke and I'd laugh. The sponsor really liked me, though. He really did. He invited me over to his private box, let me run errands all afternoon. I love horses, though. I have a horse called Dictator. He thinks he's a thoroughbred, but he's a big jackass. See, this horse of mine is really a lovely horse to ride, but he's so skinny. I ride him three miles and I'm knocking him for three weeks. But down at the race this year, they had some lovely horses. And do I pick them. I pick horses names out Of a hat. Plug hat. I picked one. One winner out of the whole race. That horse was so long, he came in first, second and third. The next race, I lost the money that I won. I had a hunch that that horse would lose when the horse I picked jumped over the fence, borrowed my newspaper and start reading the one ads to the jockey. That horse was so old that after the race, a milk wagon chasing for three blocks. But the next race, I really picked a lulu. That horse was slow. I should have known that horse was slow the minute the jockey came out dressed in a nightgown. Oh, and what a bad. What a bad loser that horse was. No, after the race, he walked over to the winner and he says, hey, you, we'll settle this out in the alley. But on the way home, I found out why they say racing is the sport of kings. Pop told mom how much he lost and she crowned it. Well, I think I've been trotting around the track long enough. So I'll send the track over to Red Foley from the Hair the same color. And he's got those funny old hills to smooth out. Take it over, fella. Weather's clear. Track's fast. There you.
F
I'm happy on the prairie all the day singing Le o le. And the funny old hills sing back to say Leo, Leo Leo Lem Far away. I love the foothills beyond the plain they love to echo my lonely pray I'm happy on the prairie all the day Singing La li o l.
D
Funny
F
old hill Sing back to say lady Old lady Old daily old dale
D
down
F
Far away
D
I got no gal I
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got no pal to keep me company Only got the funny old hills singing along with me But I'm happy and it's there I long to stay Singing. While the funny old hill sang back to sail. From far away from far away from far away.
D
That was Ferris Swell. I read Foley. And now for a point in economy, Del King for Avalon.
B
Ladies and gentlemen, when you make a purchase and find out later you could have bought the same identical quality for less money, well, you feel that you've been taken advantage of, don't you? Well, friends, don't let this happen to you. On your cigarette purchases, you can get highest quality in avalon cigarettes for 3 to 5 cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Why pay more? Why don't you give yourself a benefit of that savings? And I'm not just talking about pennies, because that difference on every pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a very short time. Yes, avalons cost you 3 to 5 cents less, but you'd never guess they cost you less. 100% union made from a matchless blend of choice Turkish and domestic tacos. They have a quality equal to or better than any cigarettes you've ever smoked, regardless of price, regardless of brand. You have so much to gain in Avalon. Highest quality, exceptional economy. They're certainly worth a trial. Why not try a pack tonight?
D
Sams the boys playing and the angels sing. And this is Red Skelton coming from Chicago.
C
A bag of wind from the Windy city.
D
Oh, hello, Ms. Stilwell. My goodness, I'm glad to see. Say, you look nice and I like your evening gown. It's kind of skimpy though.
C
Well, what's wrong with it? It's the latest thing late.
D
I'd say it hasn't even arrived yet.
B
I think Edna's gown looks pretty nice from what I can see.
D
And you can see plenty.
C
Well, listen to the Cinderella man talking.
B
The Cinderella Man? Does he have to be back someplace by 12 o'?
D
Clock?
C
No, but that full dress suit does.
D
Uh huh.
B
I thought that was a rented suit.
D
It is not. The man's. Let me wear it for nothing. All I have to do is press the button every two minutes and the shirt front lights up and says Ginsburg's credit score.
C
Well, the pants are awful droopy.
D
Why don't you buy a belt? Why should I support my pants? They never did anything. That's the phone. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Is this the Ripley program? No, it's not the Ripley program. Why? Well, I guess something is sensational. Two rats are fighting in my room. You got what you got. Did you hear me? Yeah, I heard you, but I lost my place in the script. What's so remarkable about two rats fighting in a room? They're wearing boxing gloves. Don't let that guy in Cincinnati. Who's at the door? Well, it ain't Mrs. O' Leary's cow. Achilles. Come in. See, I bet you've been hanging around the main part of Chicago all day. You got a big loop under each eye. Say, where have you been, hunky? Oh, I've been out gawking at everything. When I got home, I was too tired to even iron out a few things. Why don't you send your stuff to the laundry? Well, I don't think there's any laundries in Chicago, Mr. Skelton. Why? Well, I read something about the rain washes out Chicago socks
C
on your sightseeing tour. Did you see the rig Wrigley? Building Hercules?
D
Oh, Yes, I did, Ms. Stilwell, but you know, I think it's a fake. Why, I stood there three hours and it didn't wriggle an inch. What have you got? Oh, I'm a newspaper reporter. Yes, and they sent me down here to interview you. It'll be a good publicity. Oh, I. I don't care much about publicity. Well, then for heaven's sake, let go of my coattail.
C
Have you interviewed many people, Herky?
D
Oh, I'll say I have. Why, I just interviewed a big meat packer who's getting a divorce because his wife talks too much. And what a headline that'll make.
C
Meat packer can tongue.
D
Well, so long, Mr. Skelton. I'm out to get another scoop before somebody steals my shovel. Oh, good old Hurky. What a newspaper man. He probably faced the free press as valet service. On the house. Hi there, Skelton. Oh, hi there, Red Bully. Say, how do you find Chicago? Oh, that's easy. I just get off the train where the sign says vote for Kelly. Did you see me down at the station? There's a big delegation there to meet me. Hey, did they give you the key to the city?
C
No, they gave him a one way ticket to Vincennes.
D
They did not. One guy took my picture.
C
Yeah, and another guy took his fingerprint.
D
Yeah. Say, where will I find the Corn Exchange building? Is this it? Uh. Oh, there's a gag coming that ain't in here. What? Well, here I come, Mr. Bone. What makes you think this is a Corn Exchange building?
B
Well, I see two grain brokers out
D
in the audience vetting for this script. How about that? That guy fully's gone out and count himself a wrong. Who is it? Bernie Baker. Huh? Go ahead. Say, Skelton, are you going to stay in my room again tonight? Well, I was planning on it.
C
The five year plan if I ever heard one.
B
Hey, Skelton.
D
Yeah? What is it though?
B
You haven't met Bob Strong?
D
No, I've been looking him over though. He don't look so strong to me. Oh, no? Well, you ought to see him tear
B
through a telephone book with his bare hand.
C
Well, that's nothing. You ought to see Skelton tear through the Grand Central Station with his bare feet.
D
Well, bring him over here.
B
Okay, Red, but first I want to tip you off about him. He's quite the man about town. A devil with the ladies and all that sort of stuff. So be prepared.
D
Well, what do I look like, a country bumpkin? And don't yes me. Bob.
B
Bob Strong. Come on, over and meet Red Skelton.
D
Hi, Skelton. Hiya, Bob. Hey, what part of the comedy did I take over? Well, you can what? Finally come. Did you take over? What do you mean? Well, Fred Allen has Van Steven. Jack Benny has Phil Harris. Now you need my help. You're slipping, Slippin. I ain't been anywhere yet. Gee whiz. Well, I just thought I'd tip you off, Skelton. You're in Chicago now. Oh, put me wise, huh? You don't have to start stuff with me, brother. It ain't my first time to a big city.
C
Oh, no. Skelton got off the train, took one look at a skyscraper and yelled, tim.
D
Oh, by the way, Ms. Stilwell, I want you to meet Mr. Strong. Hello, Edna.
C
Hello, Bob.
D
Oh, you bet. Well, you don't have to be so formal. See you like to play games.
C
Oh, yes, I love them.
D
Funny you don't like to play games with me. Let your nickel. I can kiss you without touching you.
C
I'll bet you can't.
D
Bet your nickel you can kiss without touching. Ah, that's an old gag. She knows it. Everybody knows that gag. Sure, he's got a. Oh, what are you kicking me in the shins for? Gee, I just thought you knew it. And he looks tired. Been standing over a hot orchestra all day. And
C
who's playing this game anyway? Go ahead, Bob. Let's see you do it.
D
Okay, here comes.
C
But you touched me.
D
That's right. Here's your nickel. Now, I knew you knew that, dad. Going around kissing everybody. You don't play game. I play the same game. I'll bet you I can kiss you without touching you.
C
Okay, put up the $100.
D
Oh, it's enough of this silly business. Play some music. Say, Janette, how about singing Heaven can wait, will you, honey?
G
Heaven can wait. This is paradise. Just being here with you and breathing the air we do. Heaven can wait. Darling, it's true. This is paradise. Gaze at all your charms. It's heavenly in your arms. Heaven can wait. You must be an angel on a physic from the sky. Now I look at heaven when I look into your eyes. Heaven can wait. This is paradise. Loving the way we do. Until I go there with you. Heaven can wait. You must be an angel on a visit from the sky. Now I look at heaven when I look in who you are. Heaven can wait. This is paradise. Loving the way we do. Until I go there with you. Heaven can wait.
E
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A
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D
That was Jeanette singing Heaven Can Wait. Next week, ladies and gentlemen, it. Yes, Red.
B
Pardon me just a minute, but here's where I take over for Avalon.
D
Hey, wait a minute, Dell. Why should the announcer be the only one to handle a commercial? Yeah, why don't you let me sing one?
C
Yeah, I've got a poem.
D
Wait a minute. We haven't got time for both. Tell you what I'll do. I'll toss the coin. The winner gets through what he wants.
B
Toss coin. Oh, wait a minute, Red. I. I noticed you're tossing a cent. You know, avalons cost 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands.
D
Stop horning in, Dale. You'll get a reading announcement. Wait a minute. There you are, mister. Well, you win. Home. Go ahead.
C
Okay, here Goes. Oh, Avalon cigarettes sure are peachy. I like Avalon and Donna Meeche.
D
Oh, they'll love this in Louisville.
C
Choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos, blended. I'll bet you think this poem is ended.
D
Yeah, I bet I know it has. Take over, Dells.
C
Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm not through. A smoke. So smooth, so mild and so fine oh, Avalon, Avalon, you are divine and 3 to 5 cents less. Oh, yes, you'd never guess they cost you less. So why don't all of us next time left ask for Avalon cigarettes.
D
Boy, you made. You made that last one rhyme the hard way, didn't you?
C
And don't forget, get your change.
D
That was very. Say, you know what? We should always have a rhyme on this program because rhyme rhymes with Avalon.
C
Yeah, like your hair is tawny and are you corny.
B
Now, if you two don't stop, I'll call me a cop. Oh, shucks, you got me doing it.
D
Wait, we can't keep this up. By all it's holy, I think I'll call upon Red Foley. Look, get us out of here, will you, Foley? We're high a kite. What are you going to say? Red skies in the night Sing it, boy.
F
Blue shadows are falling Peace at even time and I recall you when you were by my side Red skies in
D
the night
F
Are a shepherd's delight
D
Red
F
skies in the night Bring a vision of you alone By a stream where the meadows are green
G
All I do
F
is breathe when the long day is through.
D
While your sheep are straying, you keep calling her name
F
and my heart keeps saying we are come back again,
D
O
F
shepherds in love yet I'm lonely and
D
blue
F
skies in the night Bring a vision of you Bring a vision.
D
That was nice going there. Red Foley with Red Skies in the Night. And now for one of our Gaga sagas. Sagas? Gaga Sagas? Rather. One of Skelton's ancestors, Napoleon Bonaparte. Skelton. Say, Dell, you set the scene for Napoleon? Well, I'll round up the cast.
B
Okay, Red?
D
Okay, Bob.
B
Strong. Spring of 1814, Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba. After 10 long months, he returned to France, where once again he marched at the head of his triumphant legions. As the scene opens, we find Napoleon Skelton and his wife, the Empress Josephine. The time, the fateful day of June 18, 1815. The place, Waterloo.
C
Napoleon, you're driving me insane. You haven't spoken for an hour. Why do you keep standing there with your hand in your pocket?
D
Your coat. Sometimes it helps me relax, sometimes it helps me to think. But this time I've lost the button off my shorts. I loaned it to the general for a game of Tiddly Wings.
B
The Countess of Waleska to see Napoleon.
D
Say, that accent. You must be from South France. Josephine, there's something I must tell you. The countess is in love with me.
C
Why?
D
Well, maybe it's I, Jo. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's because I'm a big man.
C
Big? Well, you're so short. The seat of your pants leaves footprints.
D
Josephine, you forget my rank.
C
I could never forget your rank.
D
Sacre bleu. Well, I tell the candle counters.
A
Nappy.
D
Nappy. Listen, you call me Nappy again and Nappy Slappy to Happy. Show the countess up.
C
Just bring her in. I'll show her up.
D
Slap her.
C
Napoleon, as your empress, I'm asking you not to see that woman again. And as your wife, I'm telling you.
D
Oh, if I could ought to sack Ramp love.
C
Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu. Can't you say anything but sacre bleu?
D
Sacre purple. I was much happier in Elba after the war. I think I'll leave France, from what I hear.
C
I know you will.
D
I wonder why the English don't attack. General Valjean, bring me my war maps. I must plan an attack. Here are your war maps, Laia.
B
The word fire.
D
That's a misprint. Now, we'll. We'll attack from the right, and we'll open fire in the center. We can't fail. That's the way Caesar won his battle.
C
Cocky cat.
D
I am not Napoleon. Have you any plan to combat the fact that the English don't fire till they see the whites of the enemy's eyes? Well, let me see. I got it. Have our men to fight blindfolded. Ah, you are truly a genius, Napoleon. La belle France. La belle France. La belle France. But maybe I am slipping. I said, you're full of bell. Duke of Wellington approaches by himself. Nappy. Yes.
C
I wonder what the Duke of Wellington wants.
D
I don't know. He probably wants the truce. The whole truce. Nothing but the truce. Here he comes. Well, well, well, Wellington. Cheerio, Napoleon. Oh, I say, don't bother to get up, old tomato. What do you mean, don't bother to get up? I'. Don't be misled just because I'm short. Precious things come in small packages.
C
Yeah, so does poison.
D
Yeah. I say, as commander of the British forces, old boy, I'm asking you to chuck it all. Give it up, you know, go back to your knitting. What?
C
Will you have some Tea, Monsieur le Duc? Oh, thank you.
D
You. Will you have tea with lemon? Well, I'll drink with anybody. Yeah. Now. Now, about this forthcoming battle. Or be. You know, it's an impossible task. Run, go and all that. There's no chance for you. Got you cornered. What?
C
Wait.
D
You asking me or telling me? What kind of talk is that? Anyway, here's the tea and crumpets. Want me for anything else? Else? Nappy. You called me Nappy the last time. Grab that guy. Stand him up against the wall.
C
Let him alone, Napoleon. He meant no harm.
D
I know what I'm doing to this rat. Ready? Aim your flight. Why, the little chap's a veritable beast. What? Oh, now, look here, Napoleon. Suppose we put a coup d'? Etat? You wouldn't dare. What's a coup d'? Etat? Well, you ought to know. You're French. Well, can I help her if I'm Edna? Coup d'. Etat. Now, see here, old plum pudding. We've got you surrounded and outnumbered. Now, why any more needless fighting? All we demand is that you leave France forever. Well, I guess you're right. But where will I go to leave my Joseph? Leave my friends? Where shall I go? As far as I'm concerned, you can go to Helena. I'll see you in El. First,
B
We hope you've enjoyed tonight's show. And we cordially invite you to be with us next Saturday evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time comes to you from our Chicago studios.
D
This is the National Broadcasting Company.
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: March 17, 2026
Main Theme:
An episode from the classic radio comedy "Avalon Time," starring Red Skelton, featuring vaudevillian humor, musical interludes, sponsor spots, and a comedic Napoleon Bonaparte sketch. The show is a throwback to the golden age of radio, mixing lighthearted banter, songs, and parody history.
Setup:
Key Gags & Moments:
Red Skelton:
“That’s the first shadow I ever saw with a seam.” ([01:49])
Red Skelton:
“He thinks he’s a thoroughbred, but he’s a big jackass.” ([02:50])
Edna Stilwell:
“It’s the latest thing–late.” ([10:56])
Edna Stilwell:
“Yeah, like your hair is tawny and are you corny.” ([23:05])
Red Skelton as Napoleon:
“Don’t be misled just because I’m short. Precious things come in small packages.”
Edna as Josephine: “Yeah, so does poison.” ([29:33])
Napoleon’s battle plan:
“Have our men to fight blindfolded.” ([28:32])
This episode of "Avalon Time" demonstrates why radio variety shows held families rapt before television's arrival. It’s an energetic blend of music, comedy, and historic parody, brought to life by the legendary Red Skelton and his ensemble. The ‘Napoleon Bonaparte’ sketch is the comedic centerpiece, full of quickfire gags and wordplay that still land nearly a century later. For fans of radio history, classic comedy, or Red Skelton’s trademark charm, this episode is a delightful listening experience.