← Harold's Old Time Radio
Harold's Old Time Radio
Avalon Time - Night Watchman in the Bank
00:30:33
Avalon Time - Night Watchman in the Bank
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
Whether it's slots or live dealers, Spinquest.com has the fun and action you're looking for with Spinquest exclusives. Blackjack, roulette, baccarat, and even live dice. With craps and bubble craps, the games never stop so you don't have to. And right now, new users get $30 coin packs for just 10 bucks. Play now@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. Weaf New York, Eastern Daylight Saving Time begins at 2:00am tomorrow, so don't forget to turn your clocks. Meanwhile, A pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget change. You never guess, But Avalon cost you less, so why not always travel on with Avalon? Good evening, friends. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time with greetings from Red Foley, Jeanette, Bill Davis and the Avalon Orchestra. And the only man in radio who has ears like steam shovels. They pick up all the dirt, Red Skelton. Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Say, Dell, where do you get those corny introductions? Well, I don't know, Red. I guess it's the farmer in the dell. That's Del King, folks. He's a little tired. Last night he put his mustache up in tin curlers and didn't sleep a wink. Boy, what a mustache. Hey, Skill, careful you don't get arrested wearing that suit. Ah, hiya, microphone. What do you mean? Do you think I'll get arrested wearing this suit? You're dressed to kill. You like it, huh? Yeah, it fits your personality, plain and simple. Oh, microphone. Hey, have you been crying or did you wash your face? Hey, I've been swimming. Boy, was that water cold. But it didn't bother me. I went right in. I never did find out who pushed me. But whoever it was, they did a good job. I did a swan dive. It was so graceful that two seagulls asked me for my autograph. I stayed in the water for about 20 minutes. I'd have come out sooner, but there was some girls on the beach and I had a run in my bathing suit. Stockings. Not only that, I had big bags in the knees of my bathing suit. I stayed under. No kidding. I stayed under the water so long. I stayed under the water so long that two feasts swam by and offered me a worm. But the water was so cold that I finally had to come out when the folks saw my red hair blue bathing suit. I mean, wait, I loused that up. Didn't I. Wait a minute. I finally had to come out. They're all good if I can only find it. I was in the water so long the two swam by. I said that, didn't I? That's where I heard it when I came came out of the water and the folks on my red hair, white bathing suit and blue skin, they saluted me. I think it'd been just as well. I'd have went on either. But I wasn't the only one in swimming. Edna Stilwell was there. She didn't exactly have on a bathing suit. She borrowed my handkerchief and said a prayer. Del King went in swimming with that big mustache of his and got mating calls from a walrus. Bill Davis. Bill Davis. Oh, you'll have to quit, lady. We got another program coming on right in back of it. Oh, but we appreciate those laughs. Phil Davis was in swimming and he had on a leopard skin bathing suit. He looked like the Queen Mary in a sarong. He did a high dive in the water and got a nasty letter from the flood control committee. I love to lay around out on the beach and get that sunshine. In fact, I was so brown that three people came up and congratulated me on winning the roper fight. Well, I think I've been out here splashing around long enough, so I'll wait out and let Red Foley dive in with. We've come a long way together. Go on in, fella. The water's fin. We've come a long way together since we met on the old village green We've weathered all kinds of weather and to me you are still sweet 16 why care if our head turns to silver? We still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come a long way together can we say still have a long way to go. Why care if our hair turns to silver? We still have love to keep our hearts aglow We've come a long way together and we still have a long way to go. Ladies and gentlemen, if you saw a five dollar bill lying in the street, you wouldn't just pass it up, would you? No siree, you'd grab it up in a hurry. Well, friends, that's only a small part of the money you can save by switching to Avalon, the quality cigarette that costs 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. Yes, that consistent and repeated saving of 3 to 5 cents on every pack you smoke turns into many, many dollars in a surprisingly short time. And remember, it's money that you wouldn't otherwise have extra money to buy things you need and want. And now about the quality of Avalon cigarettes. We'll match them against any of the popular price brands on the market today because Avalon have an exclusive quality that can't be surpassed. They're 100% union made from a mild mellow blend of choice Turkish and domestic tobaccos. As fine a quality tobacco as ever went into a cigarette. That's why you'd never guess they cost you less. Never has a price so low but more high quality in a cigarette. Give Avalon's a trial tonight. Bob Strong said he got a big kick out of making this arrangement. And now it's all yours. From stars and your eyes. Friends, we forgot to mention that Skelton is also the only man in radio who doubles as night watchman. And Jack, forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love, and you could even win real cash prizes. New users. $30 coin packs are on sale for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. With its two juicy beef patties and three slices of melted cheese topped with tangy Big Arch sauce. The Big arch is what happens when you start making a McDonald's burger and never stop. The big arch. The most McDonald's McDonald's burger yet for a limited time. Senator for a bank. As we look in at the Hope and Trust Company, we find our vice president in charge of mops, busy with the banking business. Hello there. Is that you, JB this is Skelton at the Hope and Fuss Company. Now about that matter of foreign exchange. Make my order Danish pastry instead of French pastry. Well, okay, let's see. What was I doing here? Oh, yeah, I was going over these books with a dust rag or somebody said the door. Who's there? Who's there? You're going to tell me who's there? Am I going to have to run for my life? Oh, it's Ms. Stillwell. Well, it's about time you open the door. All ready for work. Come in. Take off your thing. Look, I'm a secretary, not a fan dancer. Here, let me take your coat. And what are you laughing at? Somebody dropped a pot of geraniums on your head and it stuck there. That's my new hat. Oh, well, we got to get some work done here. You take the second floor. And I do mean with a scrub brush. Scrubbing this is swell. Secretary to a night watchman and janitor. There's only one job worse than mine. What's that? Yours. Oh, yeah. Well, my uncle started out as a night watchman 30 years ago and he's been pretty lucky. Lucky? How? He's still got the job. Now hurry and clean up. The president of the bank just called up and said he was going to come down here. He's going to run down here tonight to set that lock on the vault. I wonder who that is. Can't be the president. No president could run that fast even for a third term. Well, who is that funny looking goon? I don't know. It must be the president. Hi oppressed. Stand where you are. Don't you move. Now wait a minute, Prez. Now put that gun away. We've never met before, but I'm your vice president in charge of liquid assets. I fill the. I fill the ink well. Oh, you're the vice president, huh? Yeah. I suppose the dame with the funny looking hat is Francis Poykins. Ms. Stilwell, meet the president of our bank. The bank? Oh, sure, sure. I'm the president of the bank. Well, he looks suspicious to me. How can you tell wearing a mask? Well, I suppose you want to fix the lock on the vault, eh? Pran the lock? What's wrong with it? Well, don't you remember? You just called up and said you forgot to set the time lock. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. And I bring me tools along too. Yeah, See, here's me blowtorch, jimmy and drilling stuff. Okay, Fred, if you need any help, let me know, will you? I sure will, chum. Yeah. Hey, he's a nice fellow, that guy. They say he's terrific with figures. I bet the only figures he ever saw were at Minsky. That's the first time I ever saw the president of a bank with a jimmy. Well, what's wrong with that? Even the President of the United States has a jimmy. Wait, I'll answer that phone then. Hello? Listen, I want to come down and deposit my cow. You want to deposit a cow? Yeah, I want to get the milk certified. Will you, Will you do that for me, pal? Okay, fella, it's in the B. Look, is that a policeman trying to get in here? I don't know. Hey, is that a policeman trying to get in? Well, it ain't Jesse James. Hercules. A policeman. Come on in. Ah, little boy, blue coat. Why are you out of breath, Herky? All those darn dead end kids chased me five blocks. What do you do to him, Herky? Nothing. They stole the pie and I wanted my cut. Not only that, those kids get my goat. Oh, they get your goat. Here it comes, folks. They get your goat, eh? You mean they steal your billy. I guess you have to be pretty brave to be a policeman. Brave? Why, I captured five desperate killers with my policeman's club. Weren't you scared? Oh, Goodness, no. There's 45 members in the club. I'll bet you. I'll bet you just go around looking for trouble, don't you? Oh, I'll say I do, Mr. Skelton. Why, a few minutes ago, a car passed me going 45 miles an hour and I said, hey, where do you think you're going? To a fire. And was I embarrassed. Why? Why, it was a fire truck. Well, I gotta go now and see if I can find out who shot that man they left hanging over the electric sign. You mean you're following a clue? No, I'm following Dick Tracy. Hey, Herky, you forgot your gun. Get a load of this gun. Say, I wonder how the Prez is making out with that time lock. Hey, how you doing there, Fred? Okay, chum. I'd be hitting the jackpot soon. Well, look out for that bottle of soda pop I got in there. I'm keeping it cool on frozen assets. Well, put that gun down. You'll scare him to death. Okay. Having trouble, Prince? Oh, I can't seem to get the door at this vault open. Well, I can open it. I wrote the combination down on a piece of paper. Say, chum, that swell. Where is it? In your pocket? No, I was afraid I'd lose it, so I put it in the vault. But don't worry, Prince. I think I remember the combination. Let's see now. I was trying to think there for a minute. Oh, yeah. Right, 27. Right, 27. Left, 42. Left, 42. Right 19. Right, 19. Left. Oh, I'd die if somebody gets bingo before. What a dopey president that guy is. Mr. Skelton, I believe. Well, the phantom of Bank Night. I always knew you belonged in a vault. And this is your pretty little secretary. My, but you look lovely. You have lips like petals. If you say bicycle petals, I'll clip you. Hey, what are you doing here anyway? Me? I'm president of this bank, J. Teppington Tin Box the Third. The third? You mean there's two other guys look like you laugh. You ain't the president of this bank. Oh, but I am. See the gray hairs in my toupee? Yeah. What's the idea of gray hairs in your Toupee so the board of directors will think I worry. Say, if you're the president of the bank, who's that guy over there working on the timeline? Well, I could be bulldog drumming, but I'm Benny the Bum. Benny the Bum, remember me? Steve the Snicker. Stevie, what are you doing here? Well, as a matter of fact, I'm president of this bank. Yeah? Well, as a matter of fact, I'm robbing the joint. Well, how interesting. As a matter of fact, I'm absconding with the fun. You wouldn't dare. Yes, I would. And as a matter of fact, I'm splitting with Benny the Bum. As a matter of fact, Mr. Skelton, you can help yourself too. It's just some old stuff we were going to send back to the mint. Bye. Hey, Mr. Skelton, the best thing you can do is stop these guys. What's second best? I mean, stick em up you guys. And if these are ever you move, I'll die. Look, here comes Herky. Officer Herky. Go tell a policeman to call me a cop. Oh, here I come. Oh, goodness. Now hold up. Here I go. Come here. Put the handcuffs on them, Herky. Don't stand there shaking like me. There. There you are, you r2. Oh, Mr. Skelton, thank heavens that's over. Do you know what you held them up with? A water pistol. I knew it was a water gun. The reason I was so scared is because it wasn't loaded. Jeannette says the path of true love never runs smooth. Here's what happens when the masquerade is over. Your eyes don't shine like they used to shine. And the thrill is gone when your lips meet mine. I'm afraid the masquerade is over. And so is love. And so is love. Love. Your words don't mean what they used to mean. They were once inspired. Now that just routine I'm afraid the masquerade is so good. And so is love. And so is love. Forget everything you had planned for this weekend because you are sitting on your couch and winning from the comfort of your own home. I'm here with spinquest where you can play hundreds of slot games, all the table games you love, and you could even win real cash Prizes. New users 30 coin packs are on sale for 10@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino voidware prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. I've got good news and bad news. Here's the bad news. Most protein bars are Packed with sugar and unpronounceable ingredients. The good news? There's a better option. I'm Will and I created IQ Bar Plant Protein Bars to empower doers like you with clean, delicious, low sugar, brain and body fuel. IQ bars are packed with 12 grams of protein, brain nutrients like magnesium and Lion's Mane. And Zero Weird Stuff. And right now, you can get 20% off all IQ Bar products, plus free shipping. Try our delicious IQ Bar Sampler Pack with seven plant protein bars, four hydration mixes and four enhanced coffee sticks. Clean ingredients, amazing taste and you'll love how you feel. Refuel smarter, hydrate harder, caffeinate larger with IQ Bar, go to eatiqbar.com and enter code BAR20. To get 20% off all IQ Bar products, plus free shipping. Again, go to eatiqbar.Com and enter code BAR20. I guess I'll have to play Pagliacci and get myself a clown's disguise. And learn to laugh like Pagliachi with season in my eyes. You look the same, you're a lot the same but my heart, my heart says no, no, you're not the same. I'm afraid the masquerade is always and so is love. And so is love. Hello there, skeleton. Yeah, who are you? Oh, don't be silly. I'm Del King. I never heard of you. Listen here, don't give me that stuff. I'm Del King. And this is the spot where I tell about Avalons. Avalon's. Avalons. Avalons. The quality cigarettes that cost 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. I don't remember your name, but your phrase is familiar. Listen, you must have a case of amnesia. You're nuts. I never touch the stuff you have. Amnesia. Amnesia. The forgetting sickness. Yeah. Now try and remember. Now here is where I say friends, when you buy Avalon's, you get a cigarette 100% union made. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Blended from the world's finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos to give you an extra smooth, delightfully mild, thoroughly enjoyable smoke. Oh, sure. Now, do you remember? Remember What? Avalon. They're 3 to 5 cents less than other popular price brands. But you'd never guess they cost you less. I knew that would get you. That shows that you're recovering. From what? Your forgetting sickness. Your amnesia. Who's got magnesia? Magnesia? Oh, I can't be bothered. Now remember, friends, the next time ask for Avalon cigarettes. And don't forget your chain. Okay, what'd I buy? Oh, wait a minute. My money. Somebody's taking my dough. Where's my Money, come back here. What am I? Where am I at? Oh. Oh, hi, Adele. Let's make a commercial. Oh, some other time. Hey, Dale. Come on back here. Mr. Avalon, he's only kidding. Hey, Dell, Mr. Avalon wants you. Come here. I'm not interested. Hey, you better come. Somebody stop him there. Come on, Dale. You got to make an announcement about Avalon's cigarette. Dell, I got an option. Coming up. Take me back to my boo and saddle. Let me see that general storm Let me ride that range once once more Give me my boots and saddles Let me ramble along the prair. Open stairs on old barrettes with my buddies Slim and tense Give me my boots and saddles Got a hankering to be with a banjo on my knee Strummin a pretty western, too There's a gal in Cherokee and she's waiting there for me Waiting beneath the Jesus moon so take me back to my boots and saddles. Let me greet his place and more on the ranch where I was born Give me my boots and sadd. That was Red Foley and the Avalon Chorus with their stirring interpretation of Boots and Saddle. Say, Skelton, have you got a saga for this week? Yes, sir, boy, we got a fifth, Napoleon Bonaparte. Skelton. Oh, swell. What's it all about? Well, the time's April 18, 1815, and the place is Waterloo. Now, Napoleon Skelton is lying on the battlefield and he's very sick. You know, he lost a big battle. And Lady Lou, better known as the Countess of Waleska, is standing right beside Napoleon. And the Lady Lou says, do you want anything, Napoleon? And Napoleon says, yes. Water, Lou. Waiter, let's save it for next week. Yeah. What do we do this week? Well, that's where I come in. I've written a little sketch. Yeah, a sketch? Yes, it's a cross between a skit and a sketch, so I call it a sketch. Oh, for a minute I thought there was something wrong with your English. You'll like my sketch. Now, the scheme takes place. The scheme? Yes, the scheme takes place in the Ozarks. You know, in a skits. You have skins. Now, the skiing is in the Ozark mountains. Mountains? I like mountains better than mountains, don't you? Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, mountains make a much better scheme for a sketch. Don't you think so, Dell? Oh, slow. I blink. So you can't do a play. It hadn't been rehearsed. Well, the listeners have never heard a play that hasn't been rehearsed, so we'll let them know how they sound before they are rehearsed. Okay? So here's your part, okay? You set the scene, will you, Del? All right, Red. Now, what are we gonna use for music? I'll fix it. Okay, Phil, play some mountain music. And an octave faster than that last number you played. This ain't gonna help Mike Crosley any. The time. The hottest day in August. The place Warm Mattress, Arkansas. That's just above Hot Springs. Now, wait a minute. Is this in the south of the Corn Belt where we at? As the scene opens, we find Ida May talking to Cicero, her boyfriend, who's been married before and is considered the laziest man in the mountains. Ain't love a wonderful thing? Yeah. When you got married the first time, did you feel something cold running up and down your back? Nope. Her pappy held the gun pretty steady. Wait a minute. You can't do things like that on the radio. What are you talking about? Well, did you love her? Yes. I love the ground she stood on. Till I found out there was a mortgage on the place. Man, it sure is warm, isn't it? Would you mind taking that there handkerchief of yours and wipe the perspiration from my brow? You're the laziest man I ever saw. I ain't lazy. I'm just curbing my energy. Well, you better. Why, you're so skinny, if you had a little fuzz on you, they could use you for a stovepipe cleaner. Sure is hot standing here in the sun, ain't it? Say aye to me. You see that nice shady spot over there under that tree? Huh? I'd give anything in the world if I was sitting. Well, getting late, ain't it? Yep. Ain't you getting hungry? Yep. Well, ain't you gonna go home? Nope. Why? I'm standing in a bear trap. Oh, wait a minute. Get me out of here. Well, friends, remember the next time when you ask for Avalon cigarettes, don't forget your chains. We hope you've enjoyed tonight's show and we cordially invite you to be with us next Saturday evening when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. If your community does not observe Daylight Saving Time, please tune in one hour earlier and listen to Red Skelton Tuesday night at 10:30 Eastern Daylight Time when he appears as guest on the Doghouse Program, a new program that we think you like. Del King speaking. Good night, everybody. Avalon Time originated from the studios of the Nation Station and reach you through the National Broadcasting Company, Weaf New York, 9pm Bu L O B A Boulevard watch time. Whether it's slots or lie dealers. Spinquest.com has the fun and action you're looking for with Spin Quest exclusives Blackjack, roulette, baccarat, and even live dice with craps and bubble craps. The games never stop so you don't have to, and right now, new users get $30 coin packs for just 10 bucks. Play now@Spinquest.com SpinQuest is a free to play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details. If you work in University maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner, offering the products you need all in one place, from H Vac and plumbing supplies to lighting and more, and all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock so your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.