Baby Snooks 39-05-18 (x) Golf Tea

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Baby Snooks "Golf Tea" (Aired 1939-05-18)

Main Theme:
This classic Baby Snooks episode showcases the comedic chaos that ensues when Daddy (Hanley Stafford) attempts to make a timely golf appointment with his boss, only to be relentlessly—and hilariously—interrupted by his daughter, Snooks (Fanny Brice). The episode blends family humor, wordplay, and the generational misunderstandings that defined the Golden Age of Radio comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. A Chaotic Morning Routine

• Tired Daddy is awakened early by Snooks:

  • Snooks presents "coffee," which is actually water from the goldfish bowl, setting the comic tone.
    • Notable quote:
      • Snooks: “Make believe, Daddy. Make believe it’s coffee.” ([00:39])
      • Daddy: “I got it from the goldfish bowl.” ([01:00])
  • Daddy is frazzled as Snooks demands stories and invents reasons to keep him engaged.

• Failed attempts for peace:

  • Daddy tries to reason with Snooks, only to run into her playful obstinance, culminating in:
    • Daddy: “I’d just like to go one whole day without giving you a spanking.” ([01:17])

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2. Pre-Golf Shenanigans

• Snooks' playful logic derails Daddy:

  • She threatens, “If you don’t read me the funnies, your boss is gonna get mad.” ([01:56])
  • Daddy enlists Snooks to call a store to order a bathing suit for Mommy, but her memory mangles the message hilariously:
    • Snooks: “You want a large swimming hole with a pearl colored bell and two summons in it.” ([04:02])
    • Daddy exasperatedly gives up: “Ah, forget it. If she wants to swim, let her wear an apron.” ([04:13])

• Daddy discovers his golf clubs are missing:

  • Snooks admits to giving the clubs to the junk man for funny papers:
    • Snooks: “I gave them to the junk man yesterday.”
    • Daddy: “What for?”
    • Snooks: “For a stack of funny papers.” ([05:13-05:16])
  • Daddy's comic exasperation peaks here, setting up the trouble to come.

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3. At the Golf Course: Misunderstandings and Wordplay

• Renting clubs and missing the boss:

  • Daddy has to rent subpar clubs and discovers his boss left already:
    • Daddy: “Cost me $2 to rent these broken down clubs. Then I find the boss didn’t wait for me. I’ll probably get fired, too.” ([05:38])

• Snooks' literal interpretations:

  • She questions every aspect of golf, causing confusion:
    • Snooks: “Is that tea? Looks like dirt.” ([06:43])
    • Daddy explains the difference between “tee” and “tea,” and between “ground” and “ground” in a comically circular exchange:
      • Daddy: “Because one is a beverage and the other is ground.” ([06:54])
      • Snooks: “I thought coffee was ground.” ([06:56])

• Flag and hole confusion:

  • Snooks: “Then why don’t they fix it?” ([07:32])
  • Daddy tries to explain golf terms, but Snooks persists, missing the intent every time.

• Interruptions during Daddy's swing:

  • Daddy pleads for silence to hit the ball:
    • Daddy: “If you ask me one more question, I’ll jump in the bathtub and drown myself.” ([02:37])
    • Snooks jumps in: “Let me run the water, dad.” ([02:41])

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4. Snooks Steals the Show

• Snooks' golfing prowess:
  • Daddy, frustrated with his own performance, lets Snooks have a shot.
  • To everyone’s shock, she lands the ball four inches from the cup:
    • Daddy: “Well, I’ll be. What a shot. Dead to the pin.” ([11:39])
    • Snooks: “What do I have to do now, Daddy?” ([11:56])
  • When Daddy reveals the goal is to get the ball into the hole, Snooks shouts in frustration for not knowing sooner.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Opening comedic exchange:

  • Daddy: “Coffee? Looks like plain water to me.”
    • Snooks: “Make believe, Daddy. Make believe it’s coffee.” ([00:35-00:39])

• Snooks' logic about the bathing suit order:

  • Snooks: “You want a large swimming hole with a pearl colored bell and two summons in it.” ([04:02])

• Golf terminology confusion:

  • Snooks: “Is that tea? Looks like dirt.”
    • Daddy: “It is dirt.” ([06:43-06:47])
  • Snooks: “I thought coffee was ground.” ([06:56])
    • Daddy: “Coffee is ground, but this is a different tea and a different ground.” ([06:59])

• On missing the tee shot:

  • Snooks: “You missed it, Daddy.”
    • Daddy: “Ah, tough course. Well, I guess this rented driver’s no good. Oh, I wish I had a brassy.” ([08:47-08:50])

• Snooks accidentally outperforms Daddy:

  • Daddy: “Well, I’ll be. What a shot. Dead to the pin.” ([11:39])

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:25 – Daddy wakes up to Snooks’ “coffee"
• 01:00 – Snooks reveals coffee is from the goldfish bowl
• 01:46 – Explanation about Daddy’s boss
• 03:18 – Daddy gives Snooks the bathing suit order instructions
• 04:02 – Snooks garbles the order hilariously
• 05:13 – Snooks gave away Daddy’s clubs for funny papers
• 05:38 – Daddy rents clubs, worries about getting fired
• 06:43 – Tee vs. tea confusion
• 07:32 – “Fix the hole in the flag!”—classic Snooks logic
• 08:47 – Daddy’s missed shot and golf complaints
• 11:16 – Daddy lets Snooks take a shot; she gets it near the cup
• 11:56 – Frustrated, Daddy calls it a day: “Ah, come on. We're going home.”

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Tone and Atmosphere

The episode is rich with zany, fast-paced dialogue and classic parent-child banter. Snooks’ inquisitive nature and Daddy’s mounting frustration capture the heart of family sitcoms from the era, offering timeless slapstick and wordplay. The loving exasperation between the characters grounds the comedy in warmth, as Daddy’s best intentions are thwarted time and again by Snooks’ irrepressible curiosity.

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This episode is a delightful snapshot of 1930s radio humor, filled with timeless gags, linguistic misunderstandings, and the kind of familial chaos that’s as relatable now as it was then.

Transcript

[A]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks. Daddy, played by Hanley Stafford, has a golf appointment with his boss this morning, and he's promised to meet him on the golf course, rain or shine. As our scene opens, Daddy's alarm clock is calling insistently.

[B]

Okay, okay. Oh, boy, am I tired.

[C]

Hello, Daddy. Here, I made you some coffee.

[B]

Coffee? Looks like plain water to me.

[C]

Make believe, Daddy. Make believe it's coffee.

[B]

All right, It's. It's coffee.

[C]

Drink it.

[B]

Okay. Well, that's wonderful coffee, Snokes.

[C]

You like it? I'll make some more.

[B]

No. Don't go to any more trouble, Snooks.

[C]

It ain't no trouble, Daddy. I got it from the goldfish bowl.

[B]

What?

[C]

Ain't it good? Coffee.

[B]

Oh, what's the matter with you, Snooks? Is that all you could think of to give me for breakfast? Water from the goldfish bowl?

[C]

I was only playing house, Daddy.

[B]

That's no way to play. No child makes a father drink the water from a goldfish bowl.

[C]

I did.

[B]

I don't get smart. Snook's eyes just like to go for one whole day without giving you a spanking.

[C]

All right, Daddy.

[B]

I'll let you go back to bed.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because it's too early for you to be up.

[C]

Why are you up?

[B]

Well, I have a golf appointment and I've got to hurry.

[C]

Will you read me the funny?

[B]

No, I haven't got time.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because I'm going to play golf.

[C]

Who with, Daddy?

[B]

With my boss. And it's very important that I be there on time. He gets very mad if I'm late.

[C]

Who does?

[B]

My boss.

[C]

Who is he?

[B]

He's the man I work for. Get out of my way. I gotta hurry and wash.

[C]

If you don't read me the funnies.

[B]

No. Now go back to bed.

[C]

This.

[B]

Who sent you?

[C]

If you don't read me the funnies, your voice. Your voice is gonna get mad.

[B]

Why should my boss be mad?

[C]

Because he'll be late.

[B]

Snokes, who teaches you these wonderful tricks?

[C]

Nobody. I make em up.

[B]

Oh, you're looking for a spanking this morning.

[C]

Oh, we need a bunny.

[B]

I will not. If you waste another second of my time, I'll 10 you good. Now stay out of the bathroom till I get through.

[C]

What you gonna do, Daddy?

[B]

I'm gonna shave. I don't want you bothering me.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because I'm late already. I should have left 10 minutes ago.

[C]

Where you going?

[B]

To play golf.

[C]

Oh, wait.

[B]

I told you, in my boss.

[C]

Ok, Snooks.

[B]

If you ask me one more question, I'll jump in the bathtub and drown myself.

[C]

Let me run the water, dad.

[B]

And they think they got trouble in Europe. Get out of here. Let me shave.

[C]

I wanna watch.

[B]

Oh, snugs. How can you be so nasty to your poor old daddy? I work like a slave to see that you have everything and you won't let me have this. A little fun. What's so funny about it?

[C]

You sound like mommy.

[B]

Never mind that. Mommy's up in the country enjoying herself while I. Holy smoke. You want to do something for daddy snacks.

[C]

What's the matter, Daddy?

[B]

Listen, Mommy called last night and told me to order a bathing suit for her. I'll be on the golf course, so you call the store as soon as it opens. All right, now listen carefully. Order a bathing suit, large girl size, salmon color, fastened by one large pearl button with two little holes in it. Can you remember that?

[C]

Mm.

[B]

Have it charged to me. Just tell them who I am and it'll be all right. Now what are you going to say?

[C]

I want a large bathing suit for a girl, fashioned in it with a pearl salmon. Just tell me who I am and I'll be all right.

[B]

Not pearl, salmon. Button.

[C]

Uh huh.

[B]

Button, button, button, button.

[C]

Who's got the button? Let's play.

[B]

Daddy, I have no time to play. Will you order that suit?

[C]

What suit?

[B]

What did I just ask you to do?

[C]

You want a large swimming hole with a pearl colored bell and two summons in it. No, no. A little swimming su for a large chairman.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[C]

For a girl with no button.

[B]

Ah, forget it. If she wants to swim, let her wear an apron. I gotta finish shaving. Oh brother, I'll never make it.

[C]

My what, dad?

[B]

My appointment.

[C]

Where you going?

[B]

I told you 50 times. To play golf.

[C]

Who is my boss?

[B]

The man I work for.

[C]

Oh, I want to go with you.

[B]

Oh, you can't go with me.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because you drive me crazy on a golf course, then leave me to find no look out. I'm going to get my clubs and get out of here fast. Where are my clubs? Well, I know I left them in this closet.

[C]

I think I'll go to bed now.

[B]

Snopes. You. Wait a minute. Where are my golf clubs?

[C]

If I tell you, will you take me with you? No, and I don't know where they are. Go by.

[B]

Come here. All right, tell me where they are and I'll take you.

[C]

You promise, dad?

[B]

Yes, I promise. Where are my clubs?

[C]

I gave them to the junk man yesterday.

[B]

What for?

[C]

For a Stack of funny papers.

[B]

You little.

[A]

Don't leave folks, baby. Snooks and Daddy will be back later on in the program and you'll meet them on the golf course.

[B]

Cost me $2 to rent these broken down clubs. Then I find the boss didn't wait for me, I'll probably get fired, too. Come on, let's get out of here.

[C]

Aren't you gonna play golf, Daddy?

[B]

No. No use going out without. Wait a minute. I might as well play nine holes. I paid my green fees and rented the clubs. But I'll play only on one condition. Snooks, you must remain absolutely quiet when I go to hit the ball.

[C]

I promise, Daddy.

[B]

All right, let me get a ball out of the bag.

[C]

Here's one, Daddy.

[B]

Where'd you get that, Snooks?

[C]

I found it when we was walking over here.

[B]

Oh. Are you sure it was lost?

[C]

Mm. I seen a man looking for it.

[B]

Oh, well, I'll turn it in later. Now, stand back. I want to take a practice swing with this driver. Not bad, eh? How do you like my form, Snooks?

[C]

I think you're very pretty, Daddy.

[B]

All right, now I'm going to start. Now, don't get too close.

[C]

What you doing?

[B]

I'm putting the ball on the tea.

[C]

Is that tea? Looks like dirt.

[B]

It is dirt.

[C]

You said it was tea.

[B]

I know I did. But this tea isn't the same as the tea you drink.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because one is a beverage and the other is ground.

[C]

I thought coffee was ground.

[B]

Coffee is ground, but this is a different tea and a different ground. Does that answer your question?

[C]

I didn't ask you nothing.

[B]

Well, don't. Now keep quiet and let me hit the ball.

[C]

All right. Naughty.

[B]

What is it?

[C]

Where you gonna hit it to?

[B]

You see that flag way down there?

[C]

Is today a holiday?

[B]

No, today's not a holiday.

[C]

Then why have they got all the flags here?

[B]

Those flags indicate the position of the green.

[C]

What green?

[B]

Where the hole is. Wherever you see a flag, there's a hole.

[C]

Then why don't they fix it?

[B]

Fix what?

[C]

The hole in the flag.

[B]

The flag hasn't got a hole in it. The green has a hole in it. Why? So I can crawl in and pull it over my head. I'll stop that yelling. Now move back a little and don't make a sound. You just watch the ball when I hit it.

[C]

All right, Daddy.

[B]

Now head down. Right hand over. Bring the club back slowly, Daddy.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

What is it now?

[C]

Why don't you hit the ball?

[B]

That's what I'm trying To do.

[C]

Then why are you putting the stick around your neck?

[B]

Oh, leave me alone. How will I ever shoot a par, huh? I'm trying to shoot a par.

[C]

Whose par you gonna shoot, Daddy?

[B]

Nobody's par. I said par, not par. The object of the game is to shoot par.

[C]

Why don't you shoot, Ma? Daddy?

[B]

Don't give me ideas now. Just let me drive off this first tee. People are all staring at us. All right, now, don't make a sound now. Here I go. Knees bent, left shoulder down, eye on the ball.

[C]

You missed it, Daddy.

[B]

Ah, tough course. Well, I guess this rented driver's no good. Oh, I wish I had a brassy.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Well, this cheap outfit only has five stakes. I usually carry 10.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because I need them. Agan has about 20. Alex Morrison has 24, Charlie Lacey has 26.

[C]

And all of us, I'm 31. Except February, we got 28. Hang on tomorrow, Daddy.

[B]

Yeah, you're very smart. Now, keep quiet for two minutes and let me hit this ball. Stand back, eye on the ball, firm grip, right hand over. Come back slowly. Well, go ahead and talk if you're going to.

[C]

I ain't gonna talk, Daddy.

[B]

Okay, act slowly, Daddy. Oh, why did you do that?

[C]

I want to hit the ball.

[B]

Wait till we get off this first tea and then I'll let you hit it. Now keep quiet. I'm going to cloud it. Away to go, Snooks.

[C]

I didn't see it right under your foot.

[B]

Guess I'm a little off my game. I never played so badly before.

[C]

Have you ever played before, Daddy? Yes, I played before, Daddy.

[B]

Come on, let's walk down the fairway a little. These people watching me make me nervous.

[C]

Think you gonna hit the ball, Daddy?

[B]

Yes, as soon as we get a little close to the hole. Come on. Walk fast, Snooks. All right, I'm gonna drop the ball right here. I'll drop it over my shoulder so I won't be cheating. Now, this is about a four iron shot. Head down, find the ball, sway the head. Oh, stop that. Just turn around for one second. That's it. Now.

[C]

Did you hear it, Daddy?

[B]

And how? Carried over 60 yards, straight as an arrow. Except it's a little out of bounds.

[C]

Is that good?

[B]

Not bad. Now, come on. I don't want to lose that ball.

[C]

Let me hit it, dad.

[B]

In a minute. I think the ball went out right about here.

[C]

Here's the ball, Daddy. I found it.

[B]

Oh, what a bad lie. Why, nobody but a professional could make this shot to the green.

[C]

Let me do it. Daddy.

[B]

All right, go ahead, you little smart alec. I bet you won't even move the ball an inch. Take this club.

[C]

Which way shall I hit it?

[B]

Well, you see that flag? Aim for that. Now just keep your head down and your eye on the ball.

[C]

And don't. Don't tell me, don't tell me. I want to hit it myself.

[B]

Al. Go ahead.

[C]

Stand back. Stand back.

[B]

Well, I'll be. What a shot. Dead to the pin.

[C]

No good.

[B]

Why, it's a miracle. Come on, let's see how close it is.

[C]

All right, by snooks.

[B]

Look at that ball. Four inches from the cup.

[C]

What do I have to do now, Daddy?

[B]

Make it go in that little hole. What are you yelling about?

[C]

Why didn't you tell me when we were back there?

[B]

Ah, come on. We're going home.