Benny Hill Time 1964-03-15 Series 1 Episode 4

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Benny Hill Time" Series 1, Episode 4 (March 15, 1964)

Introduction

"Benny Hill Time," hosted by Benny Hill, transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with a delightful blend of comedy, musical performances, and engaging skits. This episode, recorded on March 15, 1964, showcases Benny Hill's signature humor through a series of interconnected sketches featuring recurring characters such as Peter Vernon, Jan Waters, the Michael Samsingers, and the BBC Variety Orchestra conducted by Paul Fenelly.

---

Episode Overview

The episode is structured around various comedic sketches that satirize everyday situations, including audience research, art appreciation, domestic life, and the acting profession. Through witty dialogues and humorous misunderstandings, the characters navigate these scenarios, providing both entertainment and subtle social commentary.

---

Main Segments

1. Audience Research Department Sketch ([01:14] - [05:15])

   Peter Vernon introduces listeners to the BBC Audience Research Department, accompanied by his secretary, Ms. Goose. The sketch parodies formal audience surveys with exaggerated professionalism and absurd interactions.

   • Notable Quote:
     • Peter Vernon ([02:31]): "Out there listening to us is a fast and obscene audience. Most of them, sir, are broken down."
     • Mr. Scuttle ([02:40]): "Broken down?"

   The humor escalates as Peter Vernon and Mr. Scuttle engage in a nonsensical dialogue about listener demographics, highlighting the often illogical nature of bureaucratic processes.

2. Art Gallery Antics ([05:27] - [12:10])

   Transitioning to the appreciation of art, Benny Hill introduces a segment on London's art galleries. Peter Vernon and Mr. Scuttle hilariously critique various paintings, mistaking masterpieces for other genres and making nonsensical interpretations.

   • Notable Quote:
     • Peter Vernon ([06:11]): "That's a van Gogh."
     • Mr. Scuttle ([07:37]): "I think it's upside down."
     • Peter Vernon ([07:50]): "She's like a dev or something. Her dad's probably a millionaire or an oil tycoon."

   Their misinterpretations and exaggerated pretentiousness poke fun at the sometimes inaccessible world of fine art.

3. Domestic Life Comedy ([12:02] - [19:00])

   The focus shifts to domestic life with the introduction of "Man in a Dressing Gown," a parody of a domestic drama film. Peter Vernon portrays a beleaguered husband, Fred, who laments his overwhelming household responsibilities while his wife, Ms. Goose, yearns for social interactions outside the home.

   • Notable Quote:
     • Peter Vernon ([14:00]): "You don't care about me, do you? You don't care about me having to stay here and slave over a hot stove all day."
     • Ms. Goose ([16:29]): "Look, dear, I'll tell you what. Open that bottle of sherry and we'll have a quiet evening at home."

   This segment humorously explores marital tensions and the desire for personal time amidst household duties.

4. Acting Advice with Mrs. Emily Grimley ([17:07] - [19:33])

   Mr. Scuttle introduces Mrs. Emily Grimley, the head of the Grimley Academy of Dramatic Arts, who shares tongue-in-cheek advice for aspiring actors. Her tips blend genuine acting principles with comedic absurdities.

   • Notable Quote:
     • Mrs. Grimley ([18:34]): "Always know your lines."
     • Mrs. Grimley ([19:04]): "Never put things a different way. If the phrase is 'he was bent on seeing her,' then you must say 'he was bent on seeing her,' not 'the sight of her doubled him up.'"

   Her earnest yet flawed advice adds another layer of humor, highlighting the challenges of the acting profession.

5. Comedic Monologues and Musical Interludes ([19:33] - [21:03])

   The episode concludes with Benny Hill and his orchestra delivering comedic monologues intertwined with musical interludes. These segments continue to satirize everyday mishaps and human follies with rapid-fire humor.

   • Notable Quote:
     • Peter Vernon ([19:33]): "Drink, it is the curse of man. You've heard that said before."
     • Unknown ([20:06]): "Let's be Happy Friday."
     • Peter Vernon ([20:15]): "Poor old Uncle Charlie, he's 84 years old. Last week he went out in the rain and caught a nasty cold."

   The humor remains consistent, blending observational comedy with exaggerated scenarios.

---

Notable Quotes

1. On Audience Research:

   • Peter Vernon ([02:40]): "They are broken down into categories according to their likes and dislikes."

2. On Art Misinterpretations:

   • Mr. Scuttle ([07:37]): "I think it's upside down."
   • Peter Vernon ([07:50]): "She's like a dev or something."

3. On Domestic Life:

   • Peter Vernon ([14:00]): "You don't care about me, do you?"
   • Ms. Goose ([16:29]): "Open that bottle of sherry and we'll have a quiet evening at home."

4. On Acting Advice:

   • Mrs. Grimley ([19:04]): "Never put things a different way."

---

Conclusion

This episode of "Benny Hill Time" masterfully blends satire, character-driven humor, and musical elements to create an engaging and entertaining listening experience. Through its clever sketches and memorable dialogues, the show offers a humorous reflection on societal norms, the arts, and domestic life, staying true to the charm of the Golden Age of Radio.

For listeners who appreciate classic radio comedy, episodic storytelling, and Benny Hill's unique brand of humor, this episode stands as a quintessential example of mid-20th-century entertainment.

Transcript

[Ryan]

Hello, it is Ryan. And I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbaccasino.com I looked over the person sitting next to me and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino's home to hundreds of casino style games. And you can play for free anytime, anywhere, even at 30,000ft. So sign up [e-mail] to claim your free welcome [e-mail] and live the Chumba life.

[Unknown]

No purchase necessary. BTW.

It'S many of time. Many of.

[Benny Hill]

Yes, it's Benny Hill time. With Peter Vernon, Jan Waters, the Michael Samsingers and the BBC Variety Orchestra, conduct by Paul Fenelly. It's also time for the lad himself, Benny Hill.

[Peter Vernon]

I'm sure that not many people realize the hard work that goes into finding out just what kind of shows you, the listeners, enjoy. So earlier this week, Peter Vernon went along to the BBC Audience Research Department to find out just how this is. Just a minute, just a minute.

[Ms. Goose]

Wipe the lipstick off your face, will you?

[Peter Vernon]

Wipe it off. I can't see it.

[Ms. Goose]

There, that's better.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, get off me lap then.

[Ms. Goose]

Right, don't get nasty.

[Peter Vernon]

I'm not getting nasty. Hurry up, comb your hair. You look like a sheepdog. Come in.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Ah, Mr. Scuttle.

[Peter Vernon]

That is right, sir. And this is my girl, my secretary.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Hello. So this is where you find out what people like.

[Peter Vernon]

That is so, sir.

[Ms. Goose]

I know what he likes.

[Peter Vernon]

Thank you, Ms. Goose ends. That will be all. You may leave us now.

[Ms. Goose]

All right then.

[Peter Vernon]

Don't forget your shoes. And put them on outside now, Mr.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Scuttle.

[Peter Vernon]

You must forgive her, sir. She's had a very hard day.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yes, of course. Well now, Mr. Scuttle, radio caters to millions of people every week. And to ascertain the size and taste of this vast unseen audience must be a major problem. How do you go about it?

[Peter Vernon]

Well, sir, as you have just said, out there listening to us is a fast and obscene audience. Most of them, sir, are broken down.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Broken down?

[Peter Vernon]

They are broken down into categories. You see, sir, we break them down to categories according to their likes and dislikes.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, you go and ask them.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, not necessarily, sir. I mean, you see, to a certain extent we work on assumptions.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Assumptions? Yeah.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, so we assume that women like women's hour at workers, like workers playtime. But chambermaids like chamber music. Certainly it drives me properly, sir, but there's no account of the fake.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, now, how many listeners would you say there are in this country?

[Peter Vernon]

We estimate that there are 59 million listeners in Great Britain.

[Mr. Scuttle]

But the entire population's only 50 million.

[Peter Vernon]

Some listen more than others.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I see. I suppose you used highly skilled investigators for this job.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, yes. But they must be able to interview people anywhere at any time. So they must really be able to talk to them. Mountain Manta in their own language, you see.

[Mr. Scuttle]

So they're expected to interview them in.

[Peter Vernon]

The vernacular, if that is where they are. They may have to shout, but they will get through.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, now, I see. There's a very impressive looking graph behind you on the wall. What exactly does it show?

[Peter Vernon]

That, sir? That graph shows the number of listeners we interviewed last week.

[Mr. Scuttle]

There seems to be a very sharp rise around Thursday. How do you explain that?

[Peter Vernon]

That is my secretary, Ms. Goosem, sir. You see, she was making up the grass down here, you see, and sort of running her pencil along the wall whilst bending down and walking backwards at the same time. When, sir, I accidentally and inadvertently bumped into her, sir. And that, sir, accounts for that sharp rise around 30. No.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I see. Yes, of course. Well, now, while I'm here, I thought I might make a few inquiries about the Benny Hill Show. Who, sir? Benny Hill.

[Peter Vernon]

Benny. Is he religious?

[Mr. Scuttle]

I don't know much about his private life.

[Peter Vernon]

No, I mean, sir, is he religious? Talk, sir. So what section does he come onto? Schools, women's programs, factual programs.

[Mr. Scuttle]

He's a comedian. He's very funny.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, fiction, sir, yes. Don't say anything down here, sir. Wait a minute, sir. Is he the one who does the folk song, sir? Yes. He's the armist of Love Mare.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Peter Vernon]

He does like different voices, doesn't he?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yes.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, I know him, sir. He's rotten.

[Mr. Scuttle]

You don't like him?

[Peter Vernon]

I certainly do not, sir. He's bombastic, he's pompous, he's infantile, vulgar. And he's thoroughly unpleasant as well. Besides that, he's fat.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Really, you can't say much. I mean, you're quite plump.

[Peter Vernon]

Kindly leave this office at once.

[Mr. Scuttle]

But why?

[Peter Vernon]

I can't stand people being personal. Go on, get out of it.

[Unknown]

Go on.

[Benny Hill]

Some of the finest art galleries in the world are to be found in London. And how pleasant it is to pass an hour or two wandering through them quietly contemplating some of their lovely paintings.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Array. When you said we was going to the pictures, I thought you meant we was going to the Regal, not coming here to an art gallery.

[Peter Vernon]

Just a minute, Lofty. Don't Talk for a bit. I want to drink in the pure beauty of this lovely painting with its psychological overtones and centrifugal force in it. It has, I feel, a deep significance.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, what is it?

[Peter Vernon]

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? It's a van Gogh.

[Ms. Goose]

Ah.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Who painted it?

[Peter Vernon]

Van Gogh? Ain't you ever heard of van Gogh, Nosy? Oh, he was a famous Dutch painter at a flamenco school. He was like, very highly strung and sensitive. Rather like what I am, you know. And he had this birdie fancy. He went off with some other blokes. But you know what he done?

[Mr. Scuttle]

No.

[Peter Vernon]

He cut off his ear and sent it to her.

[Mr. Scuttle]

What he do that for? I don't know.

[Peter Vernon]

Perhaps he wanted to hear from her. They're very temperamental, painters are.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Where do you know so much about it then?

[Peter Vernon]

Through when I was the window cleaner.

[Mr. Scuttle]

What's that got to do with it?

[Peter Vernon]

I used to do a painter's window.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Ah, here. Eh?

[Peter Vernon]

Yeah.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Did this painter, like, use models?

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, yeah.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Did you see any of them?

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, yeah.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Did you fancy any of them?

[Peter Vernon]

The girls? I did not. The wet fish.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Here, Harry, did you ever see any of these girls in the altogether?

[Peter Vernon]

Yeah, four of them.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Four of them Starkers.

[Peter Vernon]

No, in the altogether. They was together in the all. Wait.

[Mr. Scuttle]

In the. See him See? Ah, of course.

[Peter Vernon]

I seen him paint one bird like that starfish, you know.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Did you?

[Peter Vernon]

Yeah. That was the day I twisted my ankle. How the ladder broke. Well, there was three of us on it at the time. Oh, look, Lofty. Ain't that painting fascinating? That's got hidden depths, that has.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I think it's upside down.

[Peter Vernon]

No, it's a Picasso. It always look like that. It says here he painted that during his Blue period.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yeah, you can see you weren't happy when he done it. Now that one's better.

[Peter Vernon]

What one?

[Mr. Scuttle]

That girl there sitting in the snow.

[Peter Vernon]

She looks cheeky, don't she?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yeah.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, Daddy. Let's have a look here, Bobby. Chilly.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Harry. I still wish we could have gone down the Regal.

[Peter Vernon]

You want to meet a decent class of girl, you won't find them there. I mean, if you want a mix with deads and some, you gotta go where they coagulate, ain't ya? And places of culture and refinement, like museums and art galleries and all that rubbish. I mean, that's where you'll find a Mayfair bird.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yeah, I suppose you're right, Aaron. Of course I'm right.

[Peter Vernon]

And what sort of a wife are you gonna find amongst that? Like you knock about with I mean, look, you got no job, no prospects. Your mum supports you by taking in washing.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, she ain't strong enough to do heavy work.

[Peter Vernon]

I know, but here it is, isn't it? I mean, you gotta let them know that you're an illegible bachelor. It's time we find you a mate.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I got a mate, Harry. I got you.

[Peter Vernon]

No, I mean a girl mate, mate.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, what about her, then? Who? That one over there by that big picture. Yeah, that big painting by the door.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, yeah, very nice. Got a lovely frame and all.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I'm talking about the girl.

[Peter Vernon]

So am I. Yeah, I suspect she's like a dev or something. Her dad's probably a millionaire or an oil tycoon, something like that.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I should think she's got a very nice manner.

[Peter Vernon]

Yeah, probably a townhouse and all. Look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll nip across and I'll chatter up a bit, culture wise, that is. And when I give you the nod, you come over and start with a posh chap, like I showed you.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yeah, all right.

[Peter Vernon]

Here we go. It's a lovely painting, isn't it?

[Ms. Goose]

Quite. Quite lovely.

[Peter Vernon]

Seems to be trying to say something.

[Ms. Goose]

Indeed it does. Now, I'm sure I don't know what.

[Peter Vernon]

What a deep and searching commentary on our social and economical emotions it is. To be sure.

[Ms. Goose]

You know it very well.

[Peter Vernon]

Better than life itself.

[Ms. Goose]

I sometimes think I adore Monet, don't you?

[Peter Vernon]

But it's not everything though, is it.

[Ms. Goose]

This painting? I regard it as somehow sort of. Well, to me, essential.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, yeah, Very necessary these paintings are. You know, I wonder if I might get my colleague over here who's the great fishinado of the arts.

[Ms. Goose]

You see the gentleman over there with the beard looking at the Van Dyke?

[Peter Vernon]

No, the one next to him picking his teeth. Lofty. Just a minute.

[Ms. Goose]

Yeah?

[Peter Vernon]

This is the gentleman I was telling you about. Pablo Augustus Vernon.

[Unknown]

How do you do?

[Peter Vernon]

His grandfather was a famous artist, wasn't he? Your grandfather was a poker? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's very sad.

[Ms. Goose]

Why? What happened?

[Peter Vernon]

Well, he was painting a dome of St. Paul's and he stepped back to admire his work. But my colleague here has inherited his artistic temperament. Ain't you, Lofty?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yeah.

[Peter Vernon]

Tell her about when you seen them pictures in Paris. You know, one thing out here?

[Mr. Scuttle]

What?

[Peter Vernon]

The pictures you liked in Paris.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, yeah. Well, this bloke come up to me, you see, and he said, want to buy some postcards? And I said, well, let's see them.

[Peter Vernon]

Yeah, yeah. None of them no, no. Oh, you're misconstruing what I was saying.

[Unknown]

No, look, when he was in Paris.

[Peter Vernon]

You went to the Louvre, didn't you?

[Unknown]

Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. With family. Cannolis and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up.

[Mr. Scuttle]

In the family business?

[Unknown]

Introducing the God [e-mail] Test your luck in the shadowy world of the Godfather slot. Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather [e-mail] Welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Time.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, what painting was it you liked in there?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, the Mona Lysol. Oh, and the Laughing Cavalier Owl. Botulous Lautrec.

[Ms. Goose]

Ah, Lautrec. What an old master he was.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, when you paint like that, you're in Tucklerby, aren't you? You know, of course, I'm more at a modern school myself.

[Ms. Goose]

Oh, well, there's a buffet over there.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, good. I could do with some at sea.

[Peter Vernon]

He's got a grand sense of humor, hasn't he? Well, I can see you two have a lot in common, so I'll leave you to yourselves. I don't want to play Gooseberry.

[Ms. Goose]

Very well.

[Peter Vernon]

Then you'll see to it that your chauffeur gets him home all right? Won't?

[Ms. Goose]

Well, I go everywhere by bus.

[Peter Vernon]

You mean your dad ain't wealthy?

[Ms. Goose]

No, he's on the dole.

[Peter Vernon]

And your mum?

[Ms. Goose]

She takes in washing.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, where did you learn to speak posh like that?

[Ms. Goose]

Well, at an LCC night school.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, come on, Lofty.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Why, where are we going?

[Peter Vernon]

Down the Palais, perhaps. One of the birds down there is one of the pools.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, Barry, I like this.

[Benny Hill]

Once again, it's time for Benny go Round. And here to introduce it is Peter Vague.

[Mr. Scuttle]

A rather unusual film now on release which has collected many awards for its stars and director is man in a Dressing Gown. It tells the story of a domestic experiment in which the wife goes out to work while the husband stays at home and does the housework. A situation which leads to various complications. Here is a short extract from the film which stars Jan Sims and Derp Hill.

[Peter Vernon]

I don't know why I bother. I don't really look at my hands. I'll never be spoiled as my face saying she got me a washing up machine is really.

[Unknown]

Hello, dear. I'm who.

[Peter Vernon]

Not more dishes, no less.

[Ms. Goose]

Oh, dear, you Are getting tender.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, I can't help it. You startled me. Besides, your legs.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I had to stop late at the office.

[Peter Vernon]

Humph.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, I couldn't help it.

[Peter Vernon]

Couldn't help it, I'm sure. You don't care about me, do you? You don't care about me having to stay here and slave over a hot stove all day while you gallivant about enjoying yourself. It's all right for you, isn't it? You can get out and meet people. You don't have to stop at home all day with all the housework and the kids. The washing up, piling up and the kids housing.

[Mr. Scuttle]

You don't care about me, do you?

[Ms. Goose]

Fred, Is there something wrong? Are you all right?

[Peter Vernon]

I'm perfectly all right, thank you.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, what's the stuff of it?

[Peter Vernon]

I don't know. The label's come off the tin.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, it's time it was ready.

[Peter Vernon]

Look, I'm getting as fast as I can. I've only got one pair of hands, you know.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, I mustn't be late because I promise I go down to the social club.

[Peter Vernon]

Oh, so it's often social club, is it? But what about me?

[Ms. Goose]

Well, I keep asking you to come down there with me. Why don't you come?

[Peter Vernon]

Well, how can I go? I've got nothing to wear.

[Ms. Goose]

But what about that blue suit I bought you?

[Peter Vernon]

I wore it last time we went out. I can't keep wearing the same old suit.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, what about your brown suit?

[Peter Vernon]

I got no shoes to go with it. I suppose Harry Williams will be there again.

[Ms. Goose]

I don't know what you mean.

[Unknown]

Oh, no.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Hello, Rena.

[Ms. Goose]

Hello, Mr. Williams. What on earth are you doing here?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, I thought we'd arrange.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, come in. We're in rather a mess. My husband was just queuing up.

[Unknown]

Oh, no, I wasn't.

[Ms. Goose]

Oh, this is Harry Williams, dear. This is my husband.

[Mr. Scuttle]

How do you do? I'm sorry to burst in on you like this.

[Peter Vernon]

I should think you are.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, I. I didn't know you'd be so busy.

[Peter Vernon]

I suppose you hoped I'd be out.

[Ms. Goose]

What do you mean?

[Peter Vernon]

You know very well what I mean. Who said what? I heard Me. I know what's been going on. I'm not blind, you know.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I don't know what you're talking.

[Peter Vernon]

Would you?

[Ms. Goose]

I'm terribly sorry. I must apologize.

[Mr. Scuttle]

That's right.

[Peter Vernon]

You apologize for me. I know I look a sight. I know I look a mess, but let me tell you, I used to be smart. Yes, smart and slim. I know I've lost my figure. But I've had three kids, you know.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, I. I only popped in to ask if your wife wanted a ride in my new car.

[Peter Vernon]

Then I suppose you better go off with him then.

[Ms. Goose]

But, Fred, you're making a big mistake.

[Peter Vernon]

Not half as big a mistake as your make if you go with him in that car of his.

[Mr. Scuttle]

But my wife's with it. She's waiting in the car. You can come and see for yourself.

[Peter Vernon]

In that case, you better not keep them waiting.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Are you coming, Enid?

[Ms. Goose]

No, I'll see you both down there.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, very well, then. Good night, Mr. Brown.

[Peter Vernon]

I'm sorry.

[Ms. Goose]

What's got into you, Fred?

[Peter Vernon]

I don't know. I'm overwrought and listless. I keep getting them hot flushes. I've had a terrible day.

[Ms. Goose]

Well, in that case, I won't go.

[Peter Vernon]

You can go if you want to. No.

[Ms. Goose]

Look, dear, I'll tell you what. Open that bottle of sherry and we'll have a quiet evening at home. Just the two of us. Just you and me sitting comfortably together by the fire like this.

[Peter Vernon]

Darling, there's just a few things missing, aren't there?

[Ms. Goose]

Are there, dear? What?

[Peter Vernon]

The pipe and slippers.

[Ms. Goose]

Oh, of course, the pipe and slippers. I quite forgot all about them.

[Peter Vernon]

Well, hang on, love. I'll go and get them for.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, will the reconciliation last? To find out, see IOU's latest release, man in a Dressing Gown. Well, now, many of the current British film stars owe much of their success to the lady I have here with me now. She runs the Grimley Academy of Dramatic Arts. And she is, of course, Mrs. Emily Grimley.

[Unknown]

Oh, no.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Mrs. Grimley, before starting this acting school, you were an actress yourself, weren't you?

[Unknown]

Yes, indeed, indeed. I've been on tour, you know, and I've played some quite important parts too.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Oh, you mean you've actually played Leeds?

[Unknown]

Oh, yes.

[Peter Vernon]

Manchester.

[Unknown]

All over.

[Mr. Scuttle]

I suppose we've had a lot of interesting experiences.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yes.

[Unknown]

I remember the night I took over from Phoebe Cringe in East Lynn. She left the show and shortly afterwards had twins, a boy and a girl.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Anything else?

[Unknown]

No, just a boy and a girl.

[Mr. Scuttle]

No, no, I meant did anything else interesting happen to you in the plane?

[Unknown]

Oh, good heavens, yes. I remember one night my performance so moved a man in the audience that he actually tried to commit suicide.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, I never. That must have been a frightening experience.

[Unknown]

It was. The bullet missed me by two inches.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Tell me, what advice would you give to young people entering the acting profession today?

[Unknown]

Well, I would suggest and heaven knows I'm not usually suggestive, but I would suggest enunciate clearly and give distinctly.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Ah, how wise.

[Unknown]

I always used to perform on the stage as if there were no one in the audience except one little man sitting right at the back of the gallery. And it always worked.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Why was that?

[Unknown]

Because as a rule there was no one in the audience.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Any other advice, Mrs.

[Unknown]

Grim?

[Mr. Scuttle]

Yes.

[Peter Vernon]

Always know your lines.

[Unknown]

They have been written by a professional writer, a man who knows his job. So say them exactly as they were written.

[Peter Vernon]

Never paraphrasing paraphrase.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Would you like to tell the listeners what you mean by that?

[Unknown]

Well, never put things a different way. I mean, if the phrase is he was bent on seeing her, then you must say he was bent on seeing her, not the sight of her doubled him up.

[Mr. Scuttle]

Well, thank you and goodbye, Mrs. Grimley. Latest release from the DDT studios is Father War Tights. It tells the story of the music hall right from its start up to its finish. And here's one of the numbers that help to finish it.

[Benny Hill]

Now.

[Peter Vernon]

Drink, it is the curse of man. You've heard that said before.

[Unknown]

It's drink that makes you get annoyed.

[Peter Vernon]

With your old mother in law. You throw the teapot at her and you ruin when it blitz. It's drink that makes you throw it and it's drink that makes you miss. Now friends, please shed a little tear for our poor sister may. She thinks that she's the chicken and she tackles all the day. Please go to a psychiatrist, sir. Poor old father begs but mum says let the girl alone. You know we need the egg.

[Unknown]

Say let's begin now.

[Peter Vernon]

Poor old Uncle Charlie, he's 84 years old. Last week he went out in the rain and caught a nasty cold. We rubbed his back with whiskey to try and cure his cough. And now he's gone and broken his neck trying to lick it off.

[Unknown]

Let's be, let's be Happy Friday.

[Benny Hill]

That was Benny Hill Time with the BB Variety Orchestra conducted by Paul Bennelly, the Michael Sam Singers, Peter Vernon and Jan Waters. Benny Hill Time was written by Benny Hill and produced by John.

[Ryan]

Hello, it is Ryan. And I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com. i looked over the person sitting next to me and you know what they were doing? They were also playing Chumba Casino. Coincidence? I think not. Everybody's loving having fun with it. Chumba Casino's home to hundreds of casino style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere. Air even at 30, 000ft. So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome [e-mail] and live the chumba life.

[Unknown]

No purpose necessary. BTW, terms and conditions 18 +.