A (2:04)

A drink? My throat is getting dry.

C (2:07)

Oh, the carbonation's gone.

A (2:09)

I don't care.

C (2:09)

Well, if you really wanted. How many husbands have you had?

A (2:15)

Well, I really don't know. After a while, it's like watching television.

C (2:20)

I beg your pardon?

A (2:21)

Well, you can't remember how many times you've watched a certain show, now, can you?

C (2:25)

I'm not following you.

A (2:26)

Well, like I Love Lucy. Could you really count how many times you've watched I Love Lucy?

C (2:31)

I see what you mean. What are you looking at?

A (2:34)

What? Oh, I was just thinking.

C (2:36)

About what?

A (2:37)

Sid. He was a television producer. He was wonderful. He always would take me to the finest restaurants, the poshest nightclubs. Ah, Sid.

C (2:50)

Well, my little starlet. How does it feel to be Mrs. Sydney Glamour?

A (2:54)

Oh, I'm not a Sidney Scarlet. I can't even ask.

C (2:58)

Believe me, honey, these days that's a blessing.

A (3:01)

You know, you shouldn't have given that bellhop such a big tip. He'll be hurt if you don't match it when we leave. I will match it. Oh, a waterbed. I've never slept on a waterbed.

C (3:12)

Neither have I. We have so much to share together. Birth of babies.

A (3:16)

And the desert is such a pretty place. All those dead trees that have turned to rock.

C (3:21)

I know, baby. Hey, come here. I'd rather look at you.

A (3:25)

Oh, Sid. My, the desert's very dusty too.

C (3:33)

Yes, I am a little ripe. Maybe we should take a shower.

A (3:37)

Oh, Sid, we're married. I know, but really?

C (3:41)

Well, I don't want to rush you into anything. I'll go first. And when I come out, I'd like to see you in that outfit I bought for you.

A (3:49)

Outfit?

B (3:50)

Yeah, it was a surprise.

C (3:51)

It's in the big green box next to my suitcase. You go ahead and get into it and I'll be out clean as a daisy and ready for fun.

A (3:59)

Green box. Oh, there it is. Oh, it's heavy. Oh, and it rattled. I hope it was supposed to rattle. I'd hate to think I was breaking something before I got to wear it. Oh, that's silly. How could you break something you're supposed to wear? I just got the box open. Have you seen the suit? Well, don't be silly. I haven't even been in the bathroom yet. Silly. How would I know where this. That's the way motels do it. They give you just enough soap for a day's visit.

C (4:27)

Having trouble even working up a ladder?

A (4:30)

Oh my God. Sid, you don't really. You want me to wear this, do you?

C (4:38)

I can't hear you. I got soap in my.

A (4:40)

But all that leather. Those first.

C (4:42)

What?

A (4:42)

Those hooks. Ouch.

C (4:43)

Did you say something?

A (4:45)

And that whip. I'll get a nosebleed if I wear those high heels.

C (4:48)

Did you open the box?

A (4:50)

Wow. Well, I don't suppose it would hurt to try it on. I wonder if those are real whale bones in that corset. I can hardly breathe. But it's a laced up. I hope he likes the way I look. Sid, aren't you out of the shower yet? Sid, I'm ready. Oh, really? You're going to get all wrinkled if you stay in there. Sid? Sid? Oh, Sid. Oh. Oh, Sid.

C (5:31)

And that was the end of Sid.

A (5:33)

Yes, Poor Poor Sid.

C (5:35)

But why did you think my government would be interested?

A (5:39)

I was just reminiscing. The sheriff said he must have dropped one of the little bars of soap while lathering up, slipped on it, hit his head, blocked the drain and drowned.

C (5:48)

That's too bad.

A (5:49)

The hotel manager made me pay for the damage to the carpet.

C (5:52)

Damage?

A (5:53)

Yes. The high heels Sid had bought for me punched little holes into the carpet. And of course, the whole room was so choked when we opened the shower door and let out all that water.

C (6:03)

Very interesting. But I don't think that any of this will be of interest to my government.

A (6:07)

Well, I beg your pardon?

C (6:10)

Don't get huffy.

A (6:11)

A poor man died and you say that's not what you wanted to hear. Well, excuse me.

C (6:16)

It's just that that wasn't what I wanted to hear.

A (6:18)

What do you want to hear?

C (6:20)

I don't know.

A (6:21)

Expect me to tell you what you want to hear.

C (6:24)

When you say it, I know it.

A (6:27)

Are there any hamburgers left?

B (6:32)

Run up to a perfect stranger today and tell that person you love him or her, even though it's obvious no one else does. You'll feel better. This message of brotherly love from the Interstate Church of Peace and Wisdom,

C (6:54)

We

B (6:54)

return you to the adventures of Bertha and Carl. Yesterday, Eunice received the invitation to the gay wedding ceremony of her former psychiatrist, Gustav Wagner, and the hitman she had hired to do him in, Freddie Tucker. Freddie returned her life savings, enabling Eunice to find a new psychiatrist, Dr. Helen Highwater from the Rosebud reservation, who has just opened her practice in Midway City. As we join them, Helen says, of

A (7:18)

course you feel terrible. Your so called therapist was a charlatan, a fraud and a rotten human being who charged me $65 an hour. $65? And I thought finally I was attracting a man. A wonderful man. He could be so gentle. The rat. He was helping me feel better about myself. Bertha's been married so many times, $55 seems like a reasonable fee. And I've always felt there was, well, something wrong with me. I never even had a date. Maybe I should raise my fee. I know I shouldn't have done it. Well, Gustav made me so mad. That's why I went to New Orleans to find Freddy. I heard he was the best hitman in the country and his motorcycle gang was headed for the Mardi Gras. Would you mind if I raised my fee, Ms. Merriweather? Oh, that's all right. You're helping me so much good. Now, this friend, Bertha. I would say that all of your Problems come from her. How could you say that? Bertha is the sweetest human being. So trusting. She's my best friend. And she gets married every 20 minutes. From what you've told me. And. And you have never been able to hook a man. You should pardon the expression. Well, yes, I see that now. What do you think of Bertha? Oh, she's my girlfriend. I love her. Oh, not like Gustav loves Freddy, but I love her like a sister. I hear you say that, but what do you really feel? Really feel. Deep down in the gut, what do you feel about Bertha? I don't know. She's always trying to be happy. I can't hold that against her. But she. Yes? Well, she gets married so often. Marriage is sacred with her. It's like walking to the store. Go on. She's a good person. But she shouldn't get married so often. Well, maybe I'd have a chance with someone if she'd stay married for a while. No, I shouldn't say that. Why not? Well, she's my friend, but will heaven help me? Deep down, she is evil. She should be punished. Aha. Now we come to the real problem. Oh, how could I say such things? Bertha is such a sweet woman, so kind. And she has such terrible luck with her husband. You see, the problem isn't really with Bertha. It's how you view Bertha. Yes, how I view Bertha. Of course. Well, your hour is up. I'm glad to see you making so much progress with your problems. Thursday, same time, Ms. Merriweather. Thank you, Dr. Highwater. Oh, and I will have to raise my rates a bit. I hope you understand. Of course. Then I will see you next Thursday at 1:00'. Clock. Yes, doctor. High water. I understand. Now, the problem is not with Bertha. It's with me. I'm very bad.

B (10:07)

So, only half analyzed. Eunice comes to the conclusion that she is banned for feeling that Bertha should be punished. How will she deal with this new revelation?

A (10:16)

How?

B (10:16)

And what of Sybil Kirtley, who has gone to every home in Pratt Falls looking for Bertha so that she can wreak havoc on her while pretending to be a concerned friend?

C (10:35)

Brett F. Trier, Times intelligencer. An at home advertiser.

A (10:41)

Yes, I'd like to speak to the classified ad department.

C (10:44)

Go ahead.

A (10:45)

You're classified as in crime news, social

C (10:48)

notes, sports, obituaries, editorials, comic page, food section and. Dear Wanda.

A (10:55)

Are you the only one there? No.

C (10:57)

Jim does the real news typesetting and printing. You want to place a classified ad?

A (11:02)

Yes, in the personal.

C (11:04)

This isn't one of them. Sex ads, is it?

A (11:06)

Of course not. Darn. I wanted to read. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Bertha, formerly of Hope street, please contact her dear, worried friend Sybil Kirtley at the Pratt Falls Adult Motel on Frontage Road. Frontage? What?

C (11:22)

We call it Frontage.

A (11:24)

Oh. When will the ad appear?

C (11:26)

Well, it can go in the afternoon edition. How often do you want it to run?

A (11:30)

At least a week, maybe more. Fine.

C (11:33)

I'll ride my bicycle over there and collect. That'll be $6.50 for the week.

A (11:38)

That sounds reasonable.

C (11:39)

See you in about five minutes.

A (11:42)

Good. Now, anyone who can read will think that Sybil Curtly is Bertha's most loyal and concerned friend. And when Bertha appears and finds out how I've turned over a new leaf, when she least expects it, wham o. I'll wreak havoc on her.

B (12:04)

So Sybil is one step closer to her revenge on our Bertha. And what will become of Eunice with the new burden she bears? But most of all, what will become of the brave but naive woman from a small Midwestern community? Will Bertha be able to tell Carl what he and his government want to know? Will Carl be able to tell when Bertha has given him the correct information? Join us tomorrow when we'll hear Bertha recount.

A (12:26)

I told poor Hernando not to go into that jungle. I warned him.

B (12:32)

That's tomorrow. On the Adventures of Bertha and Carl. This is Farrington Edwards Collier speaking.

D (12:53)

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E (13:23)

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