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Safeway/Albertsons Announcer
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Narrator/Contact
Isn't there any dialogue this week?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Our story starts in London in the office of secret service chief, Mr. M. Come in. Kenneth Bond reporting. Oh, hello, Mr. M. Ah, 007.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Have you met Ms. Q?
Kenneth Bond (007)
No, but I just ran into W.C.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Hello, 007.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh please, you can call me O. Come here, Ms.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Oh7. I've never been kissed like that before.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes, I expect the rest of your life will be an anticlimax.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Honestly, Oosm. You seem to have got away with women.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Well, I haven't got away with many lately. You sent for me, sir?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Yes, Bond. Your last assignment. The case of the up pointed spike. You rather fell down on it, didn't you?
Kenneth Bond (007)
I'm sorry, sir.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Well, Bond, as it happens, I've got another assignment. Boyle, you most dangerous one yet. In fact, there's precious little chance of you coming out of it alive.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Well, Mr. M, can't you see by my face that I'm ready to go?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Yes, it has turned green.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Just tell me what I have to do, Sir.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Well, our agent 248 has mysteriously disappeared in Jamaica. So have the other 247. I want you to replace him. Find out what's going on there. Get a plane.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Mr. M. Yes.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
Look.
Narrator/Contact
Where?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Under the desk. Ten little blobs of blood and they're moving.
Narrator/Contact
What? Ten little.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Ms. Q, either put your shoes on or stop wiggling your toes. Now then, Bond, I want you on the next plane to Kingston, Jamaica.
Narrator/Contact
Kenneth Bond to Jamaica.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
Come.
Narrator/Contact
With Savile Row suit and shoulder holster gun, he found many mysteries that did perplex. But he found also plenty of time.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes, thank you very much. I arrived in Kingston and that night made my way to a dingy nightclub. Inside, groups of shifty looking men sat drinking and playing cards in the smoke filled atmosphere looked like a coffee break of the variety orchestra.
Narrator/Contact
A waiter.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Buttonhole me a table for once, sir.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Follow me.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Here we are.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Just by this hole in the carpet you can see the floor Show.
Kenneth Bond (007)
It's just starting now. Jolly nice, Harry.
Narrator/Contact
Excuse me. Are you Kenneth Barnes?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes. Who are you and what you want?
Narrator/Contact
Strange ways.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes, I'm sure you have, but who are you?
Narrator/Contact
Strange ways. That's my name. I'm your contact.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh, good. Sit down, have a drink.
Narrator/Contact
Just coffee for me. Bond, I'm onto something out here.
Kenneth Bond (007)
What's her name?
Narrator/Contact
No, no. Listen carefully. Just off the coast there's an island. It's called Crab Cay. There's some strange activity going on on the island. Some vast and sinister undertaking controlled by one man. A man who calls himself. Doctor.
Safeway/Albertsons Announcer
Yes?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
No.
Narrator/Contact
Yes. But, Bond, only I know his true identity. I and one other.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Who's that?
Narrator/Contact
Him and the terrible secret of Crab Cay Island. In the coffee. The coffee.
Kenneth Bond (007)
What is it?
Narrator/Contact
No sugar. That was close.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Strange ways. If there's something I ought to know, you must tell me.
Narrator/Contact
I will, Bond, I will. The secret of Crab Cay Island. I've been shot.
Kenneth Bond (007)
But how?
Narrator/Contact
The gun was fitted with a silencer.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh, thank goodness. I thought the sound effects plug had slipped up. Strangeways. Strange ways.
Narrator/Contact
Good, Bond, I'm going fast.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh, good. We don't want any of your long, drawn out, dying bits again. I paid for the drinks and left. I went back to my hotel and up to my room. I opened the door, and there, stretched out across the bed, was an eider.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
Down.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I undressed, got into my pajamas, and just as I was getting into bed, I saw her. She was standing by the window. Tall, slender, alluring.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
You must help me. They're after me.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I'm not surprised.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
No, no, no. You don't understand. I know too much.
Kenneth Bond (007)
No wonder they're all after you. Especially in that swimming costume.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Oh, you like my Bicky?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Bicky?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
That short for bikini?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes, I was just thinking that myself. But why are you wearing it?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
I have been collecting seashells and I landed up on Crab Key.
Narrator/Contact
Crab Key?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
I thought that would interest you. You see.
Narrator/Contact
Don't move.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Stand.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
What is it?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Nothing. Nobody goes to sleep when we're on. Now, tell me, Tell me, how can I get to this mysterious island?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
I have a boat. Meet me in the morning and I will take you there. Would you be willing to come across?
Kenneth Bond (007)
It's funny. I was just going to ask you that.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
Please.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
I'd better go now.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
Must you go?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Well, I can't very well stay here. You're in your pajamas.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh, don't let that worry you. I can soon take him off.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
No, no, no, please, no, no. I'll go till the morning, then. Good night. Sleep well.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I went to bed and slept well, apart from a slight disturbance when a tarantula spider crawled onto my pillow. But I was ready for it. I'd seen the film. Next morning. Next morning I met the girl at the harbor and we rode across to Crab Cay Island. Well, we'll leave the boat here, I think. Come on.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Be careful, the island is heavily guarded.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
We might even.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Okay, stay right where you are.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Both of you.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
God, sir.
Kenneth Bond (007)
What a hideous creature. No nose and hair all over his face. I am standing with my back turned.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
You.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Okay?
Narrator/Contact
Okay.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Behind you.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
There's someone else.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Correct. All right, drop them. I beg your pardon? The guns. Throw them down. You made a very grave mistake in coming here.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
No one who has been here has ever gone back.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Run, Void I'll.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
You swines.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
Oh, my head.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Where am I? Small Roman. Look, the ceiling is coming down towards us.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
We're in a lift.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Where are you taking us?
Kenneth Bond (007)
To a city beneath the sea.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Oh, fantastic. Empire ruled over by the notorious Doctor.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes. There's something very strange going on. What's the foot? 12 inches. Thank you.
Narrator/Contact
Here we are.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
All right, Bond, you and the girl wait here.
Narrator/Contact
Doctor.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Will be along in a moment.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I wonder if.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Look, over there. That panel in the wall, it's opening.
Kenneth Bond (007)
There's somebody stepping out.
Narrator/Contact
Doc.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
It's him. Doctor.
Narrator/Contact
Yes.
Kenneth Bond (007)
So, at last, Doctor. Yes. We come face to face.
Narrator/Contact
Yeah. Good morning. It's lovely. Morning, isn't?
Kenneth Bond (007)
You are the infamous Doctor.
Narrator/Contact
Yeah, that's right.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yeah, well, I'd like a second opinion.
Narrator/Contact
No, don't be like that. You are very foolish to meddle in my affairs, Mr. Bond.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Well, tell me about your affairs.
Narrator/Contact
We're just good friends.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Just what are you doing on Crab Cay Island?
Narrator/Contact
I've conceived a fiendish, devilish plane. You see this red button? I've only got to press that and conquer the world. And then I will have power. Power, do you hear? Power. Power.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
Ah.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
No.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Stop messing about.
Narrator/Contact
Oh, yeah. That's ny line.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
You never get away with it.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
Oh, yes, I will.
Narrator/Contact
Just watch. Now, 1, 2, 3.
Kenneth Bond (007)
The lights.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
The lights.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Well done, Bond, and welcome back to London. So you stopped the destruction of the world and managed to escape?
Kenneth Bond (007)
Yes.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
And what became of Dr. Yes?
Kenneth Bond (007)
I strangled him. With my conservative club tie, you mean. Yes. He's never had it so good. Now, here are four secret agents ready to decode a song called Just In Time. It's The Fraser Hayes 4.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
It was my lucky day it was my very lucky day it was my most fortunate day Just in Time bop. I found you just in time to flop. Before you came My time was running low. Pop five.
Narrator/Contact
I was lost.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
The losing dice were tossed. My bridges all were crossed. Nowhere to go now you're here and now I know just where I'm going. No more doubt down appear. I found my way and love came just in time. You found me just in time. You changed my lonely life that lovely day. It was my lucky day. It was my very lucky day. I've been hanging around boundless times. I've been waiting right for you. It was my lucky day. Got me down, I didn't know what to do then it happened just in time. I found you just in time. Before you came. My time was running low. I was lost the losing dice were tossed. My bridges all across Nowhere to go now you're here and now I know just where I'm going. No more doubt or fear. I found my way. Love came just in time. You found me just in time. You changed my lonely life that lovely day. You changed my life. How you changed my lonely life. You sure changed my lonely life.
Narrator/Contact
Lovely day.
The Fraser Hayes 4 / Singer
Just in time.
Kenneth Bond (007)
And so to the Kenneth Horn documentary feature, Hornarama.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
Yes.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Once again, Kenneth Horn and his team of investigators bring you a factual report on topics of immediate interest. And this week we present a close up on books. What the public is reading and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. Well, now, first of all, let's have a word with someone we've spoken to before in the past. Author of the sensational novel Return to Paddington Place, Ruby M. Chatterton. How do you do?
Narrator/Contact
Thank you. How do you do? Nice of you to ask.
Kenneth Bond (007)
It's a pleasure to have you here. Now then, we all know that you write a particular kind of romantic novel.
Narrator/Contact
Yes.
Kenneth Bond (007)
How would you describe them yourself?
Narrator/Contact
Filth. Filth. Unadulterated filth. That's what they are. That's the stuff that sells.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I see. Now, they made a film of Return to Paddington. Yes. Now, I believe that you've now written a follow up to that.
Narrator/Contact
Yes, that's right. Follow up. Yes, I have. As a matter of fact, I got the idea from the film version of the first book.
Kenneth Bond (007)
And what is your new book called?
Narrator/Contact
It's Carry On, Paddington Place.
Kenneth Bond (007)
And what's that about?
Narrator/Contact
More filth.
Kenneth Bond (007)
All right, then. Now, before you go, obviously Ruby. Ruby M. Chatterton is just a pen name, of course.
Narrator/Contact
Yes, that's just the name I write my books under.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Well, now, would you mind telling us your real name?
Narrator/Contact
Not at all. It's Gladys Cartwright.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Finally, we turn to our panel of experts in Hornarama who are waiting to discuss a random question on this week's topic. Top of the table in the trailing mike tartan rife Hobbitson.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Good evening and a special hello to the ein folk of my wealthy homeland.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Wealthy. Of course, you've heard of our Bunny Bunny Banks. Next, our recording idol. In fact, he hasn't done much for some time. Ricky.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Livid. Hello, Nat. And it's been a very good year for girls.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Is that your latest rec?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
No, no, it's a statement of fact. Well, you know, I mean, when you're someone like me, I mean, you get mobbed by the birds and that and they tear your buttons off and they try to grab a lock of your hair as a souvenir. Light.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Oh, so that's how it is.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Yeah, that's it. Yeah. You must have been a very popular singing star.
Kenneth Bond (007)
All right, now let's welcome once more the lady with the best flaky pastry in town, Fanny Haddock.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Hello again.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Now, lastly is someone who spends so much time at the Plough and then moves on to the Pig and whistle, Arthur Farrowfield.
Narrator/Contact
Well, I had a very exciting experience this week. I was strolling through the South Meadow when suddenly a young girl came rushing towards me on some well known farming vehicle.
Kenneth Bond (007)
The tractor.
Narrator/Contact
Well, I think I must have done
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
well.
Narrator/Contact
You know, I was incredible to you,
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
when you come to think about it.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
I mean, what happened was you, she
Narrator/Contact
come up, she chased me all over the place. And when she caught me, I'm happy
Kenneth Bond (007)
to say, thank you, Arthur. That's our team of experts. And so to this week's question, which comes from Trent. Miles. Miles. Miles. I know that name. Now, which part of the country are you from? Nowhere in particular. I'm miles from anywhere. My question is this. Does the team agree that reading is the best, best form of relaxation? And if so, what do they like to read? Furthermore, do they think the standard of literature today is comparable with that of the truly classic literature of yesteryear? And if so, do they think, why
Narrator/Contact
don't you shove a bookmark in your cake? Well, all that history.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry. All right, now write Hobbitson. Well, I don't know, really.
Narrator/Contact
Well, then why don't you belt up as well?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Yes, there's nothing, nothing I like better
Kenneth Bond (007)
than to get my teeth into a really good book.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
And if anyone should happen to come across a copy of Peyton Place with teeth in, they're mine.
Kenneth Bond (007)
All right, now let's hear from you, Ricky? Livid.
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Yeah. I have read a book.
Kenneth Bond (007)
What was that?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
Well, I think it was a blue one, but I mean, once you've read one, you've read them all, ain't you? Of course, I have read other things like autograph books and a telephone directory. Some good numbers in that.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Now, what do you enjoy most about a good new book?
Mr. M / Authority Figure
I like the rapping.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Now then, Fanny Haddish.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Well, of course, after a good meal, a book always goes down well. Preferably a digest, of course.
Narrator/Contact
Look now, I think she's laying an egg.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Yes, indeed, my darlings. Reading improves the mind. Good educational books. Mind you, I'm not adverse to a few thrills.
Narrator/Contact
No chance. It'd be a fine thing.
Ms. Q / Female Lead
Oh, my God. Fellow field buttered parsnips to you too. As a matter of fact, I just read a most marvelous mystery book full of red herrings and it kept me guessing from start to finish.
Kenneth Bond (007)
What was it called?
Ms. Q / Female Lead
The Railway Timetable.
Kenneth Bond (007)
All right. Now then, Arthur Fallowfield.
Narrator/Contact
Well, I think the answer lies in the soil. Go down to earth books. I mean, books that really say what they mean. None of this flarey romantic muck like. Darling, there is a magical moment awaiting us. I mean, what utter twaddle. No. I mean, no, no, people don't talk like that. They say, now look here, why don't you.
Kenneth Bond (007)
I mean, I'm all for it. Say yes. Dare we ask you your favorite book?
Narrator/Contact
Well, I'm quite partial to a good who Done It? I suppose my favorite of all time is Forever Amber.
Kenneth Bond (007)
Well, that's. That's not a who Done It?
Narrator/Contact
You're right there. It's more of a case who Didn't Do It?
Kenneth Bond (007)
And that's all from us this week. This is Kenneth Horne saying goodbye for now and leaving you with this thought from a listener in Clacton on Sea. If you went into your garden and found the grass missing, would you look forlorn? Cherry.
Safeway/Albertsons Announcer
Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week at Safeway and Albertsons. USDA choice beef, boneless, tri tip, whole or flank and style. Ribs bone in are $6.99 per pound member price and asparagus are $1.99 per pound member price plus 16 ounce strawberries. Six ounce raspberries or blackberries are 197 each. Limit three member price with digital coupon. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit Safeway or albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.
Fanny Haddock / University Maintenance Announcer
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Date: March 12, 2026
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
This episode revisits the golden era of radio comedy with an airing of "Beyond Our Ken" – specifically, the James Bond parody episode titled "Dr Yes." Packed with British wit, wordplay, and continually breaking the fourth wall, the episode takes listeners on a wild spy spoof adventure featuring Kenneth Horne and the classic ensemble. In addition to the “Dr Yes” sketch, the show transitions into its Hornarama documentary segment, a panel show parody exploring books and the public’s reading habits.
Bond and the woman sneak onto Crab Cay, only to be captured and taken via lift to an underwater city.
Introduction of the Villain:
Dr. Yes’s Evil Plan:
Bond Thwarts Dr. Yes:
Feel free to revisit these classic sketches to appreciate the rapid-fire jokes, playful meta-humor, and the improvisational spirit of a bygone radio era.