Beyond Our Ken - I Am

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Beyond Our Ken – “I Am”
Date: March 12, 2026
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode features a classic broadcast of Beyond Our Ken, a British radio comedy from the Golden Age of Radio. The episode delivers a playful medley of witty sketches, musical interludes, and satirical reflections on British social life, particularly the world of art and culture. It’s a vivid snapshot of humor and style from an era before television, evoking nostalgia for times when families gathered around the radio.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter and Introduction (00:30–01:15)

• Kenneth Horne opens with the usual cheeky repartee with Pat Lancaster and Fitzroy Prim, poking fun at broadcasting conventions and the veracity of scripts.
• Self-aware acknowledgments of the show’s format and the cast’s real motivations (“But the money is good, isn't it?” – Kenneth Horne, 00:53), setting a playful, self-deprecating tone.

2. Kenneth Horne’s Week – Satirical Diary (01:16–03:39)

• Horne humorously recounts his unusual week, with deadpan delivery and clever wordplay.
  • Attends the Association of Misers and Skinflints Water Carnival—canceled because “none of the members was prepared to push the boat out.”
  • Visits to British tire manufacturers and an open-air Shakespeare production (in “gumboots and south-westers” if wet).
  • Talks with weather forecasters and barbers, laden with puns and classic British understatement.

Notable Quote:
"Apparently, every morning they send up a balloon which is attached a pail, or to give it its technical designation, a little bucket. And if it comes back with water in, they know it's been raining." — Kenneth Horne (02:53)

3. Barber Shop and Singing Lesson Sketch (03:39–05:22)

• Light comedy between Horne and Prim at the barbers, with gags about moles (“They come in from the river, you know, sir.”) and playful service offers, ending with Horne hurrying to a singing lesson.
• Pat Lancaster introduces the musical number in mock seriousness.

4. Musical Interlude: “I Am” from Espresso Bongo (05:23–07:53)

• Pat Lancaster performs “I Am,” a sincere, dramatically delivered love song, introducing a real touch of the musical theatre of the period.
• Background chorus and a taste of nostalgic performance highlight the era’s style.

Memorable Lyrics:
"Yesterday's life was an unpaid laundry bill... I think I am, I feel I am, in fact I'm almost sure I am in love..." — Chorus (05:30–07:53)

5. The Muswell Hill Soirée (09:24–16:18)

• Kenneth is invited to a cultural gathering featuring “verse reading, dramatic recipes and billiards.” The segment satirizes musical ‘societies’ and middle-class pretensions.
  • Horne’s comic misfit at the door and with the dog basket chair.
  • Social awkwardness at the crowded party, culminating in food mishaps (“Madam, you're eating my carnation.” – Horne, 13:12).
  • Introduction of eccentric guests and an officious constable praising Horne’s car interior but admonishing him for leaving the lights on.

Notable Interactions:
"You stab my hand with a sausage stick." — Pat Lancaster (13:04)
"I'm glad you liked it. What exactly do you do?" — Kenneth Horne to Sir Gerald, who claims poet status (13:53).

6. Folk Song and Seance Farce (18:24–20:28)

• Comic folk performance, blending traditional style with Monty Python-esque absurdism (“…if they wanted to leave the loo…”).
• Parodic seance scene, with the “spirit” revealed as the upstairs neighbor trying to sleep.

7. Horne’s Saxophone Solo and Comic Farewells (20:28–21:29)

• Horne prepares to entertain with his saxophone, but guests flee the scene in rapid succession, parodying lack of appreciation for modern music.

8. The Malcolm Mitchell Trio: “Lonesome Traveler” (21:29–24:01)

• Authentic musical moment by the renowned Malcolm Mitchell Trio, offering a swinging rendition of “Lonesome Traveler.”
• Serves as both entertainment and a homage to radio variety show traditions.

9. “Pornorama” Documentary Satire—A Close-Up on Art (24:01–30:52)

• Faux documentary segment lampooning the bewilderment often felt by art-goers and the pretensions of critics and artists.
• Humorous guided tour through art gallery masterpieces (“Mona’s the right name for her… Picture of misery…”).
• Witty take on the art world, with artists over-praising each other and jokes about paintings getting washed off the pavement.

Notable Quotes:
"What a ghastly creature that was—the man who painted it." — Kenneth Horne on modern art (24:35)
"Well, Rodner, what do you think of it?" — Fitzroy Prim;
"Charles, I think it's superb." — Sir Gerald (27:08–27:17)

10. Parisian Café and Montmartre Sketches (29:16–30:52)

• Satirical vignettes about the “real” art world in Paris; jokes about sidewalk cafés, surrealist painters, missing noses, and bohemian lifestyles.

Memorable Dialogue:
"It is the noise, Monsieur. I’m terribly worried about the nose." — French Painter/Artist (29:54)

11. Witty Closing Reflections (31:16–32:00)

• Kenneth Horne closes with a dry, facetious life lesson (“If a man keeps 500 pounds under his pillow, is it enough to retire on?”).
• Roll call of cast and tongue-in-cheek credits, maintaining the show’s irreverent, fourth-wall-breaking style.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On scripts and pay:
  “But the money is good, isn't it? I mean that's why I feel I need repeats.”
  — Kenneth Horne (00:53)

• Barber's odd offer:
  “How about a little freight polish, sir?”
  — Fitzroy Prim (04:18)

• On Art:
  “I mean, looks like one terrible hotchpot of mythic colors. ...Imagine waking up one morning and finding that staring at you in the face.”
  — Fitzroy Prim (24:26)

• Self-effacing sign-off:
  “You have either been listening to or have just missed Beyond Our Ken? A sort of recorded radio show which gave employment to Kenneth Horne and also to…”
  — Kenneth Horne (31:16)

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Timeline of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | Notes | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------|---------------------------------------| | 00:30 | Opening Banter, Introduction | Quick-witted, sets tongue-in-cheek tone | | 01:16 | Horne’s Satirical Week Recap | Social satire, puns, mock news | | 03:39 | Barber & Singing Lesson | Absurdist humor, transition to music | | 05:22 | “I Am” Musical Interlude | Vocal performance, nostalgia | | 09:24 | Muswell Hill Soirée/Party Sketch | Farce, British satire | | 18:24 | Folk Song & Seance Parody | Musical comedy, Monty Python flavor | | 21:29 | The Malcolm Mitchell Trio: “Lonesome Traveler” | Real jazz/vocal performance | | 24:01 | “Pornorama” Documentary Satire on Art | Museum/gallery spoof, art world jokes | | 29:16 | Paris Bohemia & Montmartre Scenes | French painter/artist lampoon | | 31:16 | Comic Wrap-up, Credits | Meta-humor, fourth wall jokes |

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Overall Tone and Takeaways

• The episode is a lively carousel of classic British wit, absurdity, and gentle sendups of society’s cultural preoccupations.
• The style is self-aware, frequently breaking the fourth wall, and punctuated by memorable, clever exchanges.
• For those unfamiliar, this episode offers a humorous, affectionate window into the traditions of radio variety and sketch comedy, blending music, farce, and satire in rapid succession.

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Recommended for:
Fans of vintage British comedy, radio theatre, and anyone in search of quick-paced, clever laughs drawn from postwar humor and Golden Age sensibilities.

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Transcript

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[Kenneth Horne]

This is the BBC.

[Pat Lancaster]

Hello.

[Kenneth Horne]

God gracious, it's you again. Well, what is it this week?

[Pat Lancaster]

Well, you know, you know you say

[Fitzroy Prim]

this is a BBC.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yeah.

[Pat Lancaster]

How do you know it is?

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, it's written down on this script.

[Pat Lancaster]

No, you don't want to believe everything is in the script. A lot of lines. I mean you can't go on that.

[Fitzroy Prim]

I'm not a bit interested in the script.

[Pat Lancaster]

Neither am I really.

[Kenneth Horne]

But the money is good, isn't it? I mean that's why I feel I need repeats.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Do they reckon?

[Kenneth Horne]

Ladies and gentlemen, whatever happens during the next 30 minutes will certainly be beyond our kept. Among those taking part are Bewilder Sutherland,

[Fitzroy Prim]

Fitzroy Prim, the honorable Amelia Working, Fitz

[Kenneth Horne]

Moulton, Harry Rabinowitz, Marvin has no real

[Pat Lancaster]

name,

[Kenneth Horne]

Mervyn Linseed RA, Lance Corporal Herbert Potts and of course Mr. Kenneth Horn who prefers to remain anonymous. Ladies and gentlemen, Kenneth H. Hello, Good evening. And first of all, here's a special message to all golfers. See ya. Well now tonight I was going to talk to you about the Colorado beetle problem. But since the Colorado beetle has no problems except with other Colorado beetles, let me instead tell you about some of the things that happened to me last week. On Monday I went down to Henley on Thames for the association of Misers and Skinflints Water carnival and regatta. Unfortunately it had to be cancelled because none of the members was prepared to push the boat out. And so I popped along to the British tire manufacturer's annual blow up. Left me feeling rather tired. However, on Tuesday I enjoyed an afternoon with Shakespeare at the new open air theatre in Tufnell park where they are doing Julius Caesar in traditional Roman dress if wet in gumboots and sou'. Westers. On Thursday I paid a visit to the air ministry route to meet some meteorologists, or as they are sometimes called, Lyles. I spoke to one prominent weather forecaster who's been forecasting prominent weather for many years and he told me exactly how it was done. Apparently, every morning they send up a balloon which is attached a pail, or to give it its technical designation, a little bucket. And if it comes back with water in, they know it's been raining Friday. Friday, I think, was my busiest day. In the morning, my first call was to my barbers for a short vac and. Oh, dear, you have let it go, sir. Anyway, he was in his usual jocular mood,

[Fitzroy Prim]

And then this actress turned to the producer and said, no, it's in the other room. You can use that one if you like. Of course, you'd have to clean it up a bit. Give it a shampoo, you might say.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, you might, if you were feeling a bit all color.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Oh, I say, sir, you got a mole on your neck.

[Kenneth Horne]

Have I really? Yes, you have.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Come on, shoot.

[Kenneth Horne]

Get up. Good.

[Fitzroy Prim]

They. They come in from the river, you know, sir. Oh, well, there we are, sir. That's what a brilliant tea time.

[Kenneth Horne]

No, thank you. A little spray, sir? Thank you.

[Fitzroy Prim]

How about a little freight polish, sir?

[Kenneth Horne]

No, I don't think so.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Anything else you wanted, sir? All right for Ray debates.

[Kenneth Horne]

Toothpaste, shaving cream? No, thank you. Good gracious, look at the time. I must fly wings, sir. I shall have to hurry. I'll be late for my singing lesson.

[Pat Lancaster]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Kenneth Horne]

That was splendid. Well, that's all we have time for this week. Because now I must prepare for my next pupil. I believe you know him. It's King His Horn.

[Fitzroy Prim]

I'll just hook this cotton bull in my ear.

[Kenneth Horne]

Morning, Professor. Oh, hello. There's Pat Lancaster. What on earth are you doing here, Pat? You certainly don't need singing lessons.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, well, can I? I just like to keep him trim.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, I'll give you the address of my bath.

[Fitzroy Prim]

By the way, what are you going

[Kenneth Horne]

to sing on the show this week?

[Pat Lancaster]

A song from Espresso Bongo is called I Am.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, go on, sing it for me now, cat.

[Pat Lancaster]

All right.

[Background Chorus/Extras]

Yesterday's life was an unpaid laundry bill Tattered billboard and yesterday's eye Pardon me. There are flowers on the window sill I could sing like a lark in high pie Bring up the curtain. I'm almost certain. I think I am I feel I am in fact I'm almost sure I am in love in love, in love at least it feels like love. I'm all at sea and then I hear your voice again and suddenly I am way up high I know at last that I, I am, I am. In love in love, in love at least it feels like love I'm all at peace and then I hear the voice again and as follow me my way up high I know at the sun, Sam.

[Kenneth Horne]

Jolly nice, Pat. See you on Tuesday. Goodbye. Well, professor, we better get on with my lesson. All right, Mr. Holmes, here is your cotton ball. Thank you.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

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[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, if you go down in the woods, you're sure of a.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Mr. Horn.

[Kenneth Horne]

Why must you persist with this thinking? Isn't there already enough trouble in the world? I'll have you know I'm quite highly regarded in musical and artistic circles. In fact, this very evening I've been invited to a little soiree. There'll be verse reading, a spot of music, and afterwards they're serving food and drink. It's a sort of soiree with a binge on top. Oh, dear, I'm sorry about that. Come on. Now, where did I put that invitation? Ah, Here it is.

[Pat Lancaster]

Mrs. Olga Cremon requests the pleasure of Mr. Kenneth Home's company at a meeting of the Muswell Hill Cosmopolitan Society of Musical Appreciation. Verse reading, dramatic recipes and billiards

[Background Chorus/Extras]

threat 3a.

[Pat Lancaster]

Carl, you mention the 7Ps please bring a bottle. It gets rather chilly at this time of year.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, I must say, I'm looking forward to an evening of music and culture. Sounds as if it might be rather unusual. Ah, here we are, Curlew Mansions. I'll just ring the doorbel

[Pat Lancaster]

it,

[Sir Gerald]

Sir.

[Kenneth Horne]

Misses alger, come on.

[Sir Gerald]

No, I'm the bun.

[Kenneth Horne]

No, I mean. I mean, does Mrs. Olga come on live here next door? Oh, it must be here, then.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, Mr. Kenneth Horne, how nice of you to come. Just leave your shooting stick and plastic knack in the hall if you can find room. Well, you see, it's terribly crowded with all this furniture. As a matter of fact, my friends call me the hostess with the mostest in the hall. Well, now. Now everyone's in there. Oh, I wonder if you'd mind taking this tray of cocktail snacks in for me.

[Kenneth Horne]

Certainly. I'd be delighted. I say, everyone, grub up. Oh, terrible.

[Sir Gerald]

I don't know who you are, sir, but think it's a positive disgrace to burst in like that in the middle of the exquisite leg of Ms. Hocflix and her ensemble. We must at all cost preserve the refined and dignified atmosphere of this elect gathering. You come charging in here with a tray of food,

[Background Chorus/Extras]

hand up the entropy.

[Pat Lancaster]

You stab my hand with a sausage stick.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Now I'm. What you doing with that fool?

[Pat Lancaster]

Don't.

[Fitzroy Prim]

You do love a dirt.

[Pat Lancaster]

Here, leave some for me. Oh, this tastes a bit peculiar.

[Kenneth Horne]

Madam, you're eating my carnation.

[Pat Lancaster]

Well, I'm glad to see you haven't wasted anything. Oh, who's for this last sausage roll?

[Kenneth Horne]

Delicious. Lovely.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, I'm glad you two are getting to know each other. Incidentally, Mr. Horn, this is Mr. Humphrey Boreham. Siphon.

[Sir Gerald]

How do you know your territory? At your radio show last week, I must say I found it dull, insipid, inordinately unfunny and completely lacking in good taste.

[Kenneth Horne]

I'm glad you liked it. What exactly do you do?

[Sir Gerald]

I, sir, am a poet. Yes, I specialize in poems on London. Much of my work has been written about the town.

[Kenneth Horne]

About time they watch some of it off.

[Pat Lancaster]

Quiet, everyone.

[Background Chorus/Extras]

Quiet. Quiet.

[Pat Lancaster]

Now we're going to be entertained by Miss Marjorie Hockflich herself with a delightful cello solo.

[Kenneth Horne]

Music. Excuse me, miss. Would you care to dance?

[Pat Lancaster]

Well, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I can't. Not while I'm playing the cello. Mr. Horn. Mr. Horn, why don't you sit down?

[Kenneth Horne]

What a good idea. I can't see anywhere to sit.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, yes, yes, there is. Look. Look here behind you. This contemporary wicker work chair. It's the latest thing, you know.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, yes. Oh, you know, I thought it was a dog basket. How silly of me. Well, I just.

[Pat Lancaster]

You're right. You're right. It is the dog basket. Oh, come along, Pinky. Pinky, dear. Pinky, Let go of the gentleman's leg. Pinky. Oh, dear. You see, he's a playful little fellow. Oh, yeah. Come along, Pinky Poo. Time for walkie poo. Come along now. Come along. You go.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Good evening, madam. Are you the owner of car number 309 GMC?

[Pat Lancaster]

No, no, I. I expected one of my gifts. Oh, do come in. Quiet, everyone.

[Fitzroy Prim]

I'm looking for the owner of car number 309 GMC.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, that's my announcer.

[Fitzroy Prim]

The coupe's out.

[Pat Lancaster]

Yes.

[Fitzroy Prim]

With the coffee and cream bodywork.

[Kenneth Horne]

That's right.

[Fitzroy Prim]

And the dusty pink seat covers.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Simplest heaven.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Wherever did you get them? I just adore that coosa posted observing credit picture.

[Kenneth Horne]

Do you really think so? Oh, yes.

[Fitzroy Prim]

But if I may venture to criticize, there's just one little thing wrong.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, really? What's that?

[Fitzroy Prim]

You forgot to leave the lights on.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Constable.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Well, I hope it won't happen again because the lights may cut it here for it to America, given the whole thing a sort of open glass.

[Pat Lancaster]

Everything all right, Constable?

[Fitzroy Prim]

Thank you, madam.

[Malcolm Mitchell]

I'll just get.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, don't go, don't go. Stay and join in the fun.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, may I?

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, of course. Make yourself at home. You'll find the punch bowl over there.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, thank God.

[Fitzroy Prim]

It's a bit nippy at first, but it's lovely once you're in.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Safeway and Albertsons have made saving easier than ever with great savings on family favorites this week at Safeway and Albertsons. USDA choice beef, boneless, tri tip, whole or flank and style ribs bone in are $6.99 per pound member price and asparagus are $1.99 per pound member price plus 16 ounce strawberries. Six ounce Raspber berries or blackberries are 197 each. Limit three member price with digital coupon. Hurry in. These deals won't last. Visit Safeway or albertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.

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[Pat Lancaster]

And now, friends, we've got a big surprise for you. Ultimately, Croft will sing some of his folk song.

[Kenneth Horne]

Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

[French Painter/Artist]

Here are just a few of the many old English folk songs that I have collected from such eminent authorities as Alan Lomax, Cecil Sharp and Benny Hill. And I'd like you all to join in on the fol. Lol.

[Kenneth Horne]

Lars.

[French Painter/Artist]

Right, here we go. Said Adam to Eve in the garden of old Tis like a taste of heaven. The fun begins at half past eight and leaves off at 11 with a fall and a lol and a la

[Kenneth Horne]

la la and a hay down merry

[Sir Gerald]

loun

[French Painter/Artist]

the cotton mill workers were oppressed Their lives were filled with gloom for they had to raise their hands on high if they wanted to leave the loo With a fall and a lull

[Kenneth Horne]

and a laugh La la and a hey down, Mary.

[Pat Lancaster]

Shh. Shh. Quiet, everybody, please. It is again. Quick, quick now, everybody round the table. Is there anybody there? Yes,

[Sir Gerald]

who are you? Be com. Ste.

[Pat Lancaster]

Have you a message? What is it then?

[Sir Gerald]

Built up. I'm trying to get to sleep up here. I'm on night working.

[Pat Lancaster]

How can you do it? It's the man upstairs. He's always complaining. Oh, never mind, never mind. On with the party.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, I think it's high time I contributed something to this evening's entertainment. I happen to have brought my tenor saxophone with me, and I'd like to play it for you now. First, may I give you a night on the the Bear Mountain by Subulka.

[Sir Gerald]

Well, good night, Mrs. Creorn. I think I'd be going now.

[Pat Lancaster]

Sorry to rush off. I've just remembered I've left the kettle on. Good night, mustache.

[Kenneth Horne]

Now.

[French Painter/Artist]

Great fun.

[Kenneth Horne]

See you again soon.

[Pat Lancaster]

Good night.

[Fitzroy Prim]

It's been wonderful. Punch was absolutely

[Kenneth Horne]

night.

[Pat Lancaster]

Good night.

[Kenneth Horne]

Extraordinary thing. Everybody seems to have gone suddenly. Oh, wait a minute. There's one person left. Obviously, he's the only real music lover in the whole crowd. I say, sir, I do hope you enjoyed my little offering. Hey, hey.

[Pat Lancaster]

What did you say?

[Kenneth Horne]

I can't hear a word to say.

[Sir Gerald]

And speak up on you, lamb.

[Fitzroy Prim]

I'm a little bit hard of hearing.

[Kenneth Horne]

Speak up, young. So there you are. If that's a musical circle, then I'm glad I'm a square. But not too much of a square to enjoy the music of the Malcolm Mitchell Trio as they play the lonesome traveler Traveling, traveling I've been a traveling on on.

[Malcolm Mitchell]

I am a lonely lonesome traveler I am a weary and a lonesome traveler I am a weary and a lonesome traveler I'm going to travel it all I travel here and then I traveled yonder well, I traveled here and then I traveled yonder well, I crumbled and then I traveled yonder well, I've been a traveling all I traveled cold and then I traveled hungry well, I traveled cold and then I traveled hungry well, I traveled cold and then I traveled hungry well, I've been a traveling all Traveled in the mountain Traveled down in the valley well, I traveled in the mountain Travel down in the valley well, I traveled in the mountain Traveled down in the valley well, I'm gonna travel

[Kenneth Horne]

it

[Malcolm Mitchell]

traveled with the rich and traveled with the poor well, I traveled with the rich and traveled with the poor well, I traveled with the rich and traveled with the poor well, I'm gonna travel at all One of these days I'm gonna stop all my traveling One of these days I'm gonna stop all my traveling One of these days I'm gonna stop all my traveling I've been traveling all keep on traveling all my road to freedom Gonna keep on traveling on the road to freedom Gonna keep on traveling on the road to freedom Gonna keep right on trav.

[Kenneth Horne]

And now we come to the special Kenneth Horne documentary feature Pornorama. Yes. Each week at this time, Kenneth Horne and his team of investigators will bring you a factual report on topics of immediate interest. And tonight we present a close up on art. Do we really understand it?

[Fitzroy Prim]

Well, it is picture quite beyond me. I. I just don't know what it's supposed to be at all. I mean, looks like one terrible hotch pot of mythic colors. Oh dear, oh dear. Imagine waking up one morning and finding that staring at you in the face.

[Kenneth Horne]

What a ghastly creature that was the man who painted it. Yes, art is a confusing subject. But even if we can't understand it, there's no stopping our thirst for knowledge. Just go along to any of our leading art galleries and see for yourself the eager throng of true heart lovers.

[Sir Gerald]

And over here we have a selection of old masters.

[Kenneth Horne]

Quite superb. Magnificent.

[Sir Gerald]

Look at this one here. Isn't that exquisite? The Mona Lisa.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Magnificent Mona Lisa.

[Pat Lancaster]

Mona's the right name for her.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Look at her.

[French Painter/Artist]

Ey.

[Pat Lancaster]

Oh, look at her. Picture of misery.

[Fitzroy Prim]

That's what you look like when I come home late at night.

[Sir Gerald]

Of course, this is only a reproduction. The original is in the louvre, this

[Fitzroy Prim]

place 40 of yours, mate. Well, I mean to say. I mean they appreciate that sort of thing in Paris.

[Sir Gerald]

This one here is a Renoir.

[Pat Lancaster]

Is it? Looks like a woman in a feather hat to me.

[Sir Gerald]

Renoir was the artist. He specialized in these gaily dressed Parisian women.

[Fitzroy Prim]

He's a bit of a lady money. This one's much more cup of tea. Very lifelike I must say. Two lovers snogging on a park bench.

[Sir Gerald]

You are looking out of the window.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Oh, dozy me.

[Sir Gerald]

That brings us to the end of our conducted tour.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Thank you so much, it's been delightful.

[Sir Gerald]

Of course it is usual and it is customary to work.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Oh, oh, oh yes, yes. Sorry.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh, there you are.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Many thanks, Charlotte.

[Sir Gerald]

Thank you, sir. I haven't seen one of these little silver throuppity bits since before the war.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Yes, well, I've enjoyed going round with you too and I'd like you to accept this.

[Sir Gerald]

Ah, thank you, sir.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Not at all. I say, it must be pretty awful for you to have to cope with people like that.

[Sir Gerald]

It's not every day we are honored by a visit from Sir Gerald and Lady Kelly.

[Kenneth Horne]

Well, now we turn to the artists themselves. For whenever artists meet you can be sure of a lively and stimulating conversation on us. Let us now listen to two such artists as they discuss their work.

[Fitzroy Prim]

Well, Rodner, what do you think of it?

[Sir Gerald]

Charles, I think it's superb.

[Fitzroy Prim]

You do read it?

[Kenneth Horne]

Such death and perception.

[Sir Gerald]

You've managed to catch the full inner significance of your subject. I particularly like the delicate undertones, the powerful impasto, the effusion of neorealism with the impressionist feeling.

[Fitzroy Prim]

I'm terribly glad you like it.

[Pat Lancaster]

Like it? My dear Char, I think it's quite

[Fitzroy Prim]

the best thing you've ever done. And I do sincerely hope it doesn't

[Kenneth Horne]

rain get washed off the pavement. Now we're going to have a look at another aspect of this fascinating subject and one that rather appeals to me. Artists, models. Not a word to Bessie about that. Yes, sir. We mustn't forget the debt the painter owes to those hard working girls who spend many long hours. Well, how shall I put it, sir? Sitting pretty. Oh dear. Wash it. Awful statement. I like her pavement. Anyway, let's. Let's take a quick peep inside a studio in Chelsea. Or a bigger one. Yes, the world of art has many facets. But of course to get the real atmosphere of that bohemian life on which the true artist thrives, one has to go to Paris. So I went. Ah, how nice it is to be in Paris again. I'LL just sit down here at the sidewalk cafe and have a glass of wine. Shocking service here, waiter. Oh, how silly of me, Garon. I say you.

[Fitzroy Prim]

You and me, Monsieur?

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes. I've been sitting out here at this table for ages. You call this a sidewalk cafe?

[Fitzroy Prim]

Certainly not, monsieur. This is our furniture. We have been evicted.

[Kenneth Horne]

Oh. Oh, bad luck. It must be a French prime minister. Ah, here we are. More marked. The artist Cotter. The home of surrealist painting.

[French Painter/Artist]

A word in your eye.

[Kenneth Horne]

Ah, modern painter.

[French Painter/Artist]

Oui, Monsieur. Please take a look at my latest painting. I'm most unhappy about it.

[Kenneth Horne]

What's this with the trouble?

[French Painter/Artist]

It is the noise, Monsieur. I'm terribly worried about the nose.

[Kenneth Horne]

Why don't you just change it?

[Pat Lancaster]

Change it? I cannot find it.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, this is the more March of today. A rather different one from the montmartre of the 90s. Is gay, vital and outrageous. I can see it all now.

[Pat Lancaster]

Hello, Marie. I haven't seen you for some time and I have been out of town posing for Renoir. And now there is a real gentleman. Different from that van Gogh. He is a peasant. Ah, but it is nice to see you again. Is it? And you know something? This is my first visit to the Mulan roof. How do you like it? It is marvelous. It is okay and exciting and. Oh, what is that under the table? Don't worry, cherie. It is only to lose. Lotrecord.

[Kenneth Horne]

Yes, Paris was and still is the Mecca of arts. And a real art lover can always find something to interest him wherever he looks.

[Pat Lancaster]

You know, postcards.

[Kenneth Horne]

This is Kenneth Horn saying goodbye for now. I'm leaving you with this thought. If a man keeps 500 pounds under his pillow, is it enough to retire on? Could. You have either been listening to or have just missed Beyond Our Ken? A sort of recorded radio show which gave employment to Kenneth Horne and also to Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddock, Betty Marsden, Ron Moody, Patricia Lancaster, the Malcolm Mitchell Trio and the BBC Review Orchestra, conducted by Heather. The script, believe it or not, was written and letters Complaint should be sent to Eric Merriman and Barry Took. However, the owners must inevitably fall on our producer, Jake Spratt.

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