Beyond Our Ken - Im Not At All In Love

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Beyond Our Ken – I'm Not At All In Love

Podcast: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Date: March 12, 2026
Original Air: BBC, Golden Age Radio
Episode Title: "I'm Not At All In Love"

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Episode Overview

This episode showcases a classic broadcast of the beloved British radio comedy Beyond Our Ken. Built around witty observational humor, deadpan delivery, and a string of musical interludes, the show lampoons staples of British life—from shopping for wedding presents to absurd holiday destinations and parodies of literary culture. Kenneth Horne anchors the ensemble, supported by a vibrant cast including Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddick, Betty Marsden, Ron Moody, Patricia Lancaster, the Malcolm Mitchell Trio, and musical direction by Harry Rabinowitz. The tone alternates between playful, satirical, and, at moments, cheekily subversive.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Introductions and Running Gags (00:30–01:13)

• Introduction of cast via tongue-in-cheek banter:
  • The show opens with the cast ribbing the actor who announces “This is the BBC,” criticizing his lack of fire.
  • Meta-commentary on the “spirit of adventure” in radio introductions.

Notable Quote:

“Whatever happens during the next 30 minutes will be beyond our Kentucky. It’s certainly beyond me.”
— Announcer (00:52)

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2. Kenneth Horne’s Monologue & Social Satire (01:13–03:19)

• Horne delivers a whimsical recap of his week, integrating wordplay and social satire:
  • A vegetarian dinner serving disguised roast goose.
  • Fancy dress ball anecdotes with clever jab at relationships.
  • Entertainment lost with a fixed television.

Notable Quote:

“On Friday I spent a rather dull day at home because the television had been repaired.”
— Kenneth Horne (02:06)

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3. Department Store Escapades & Musical Number (03:19–07:41)

• Horne visits Fortnite & Peabody department store in search of a wedding present.

  • Satirical exchange regarding theft, oddities in stock, and the music department.
  • Patricia Lancaster appears, introducing the musical theme.

• Musical Highlight:

  • Patricia Lancaster performs “I’m Not At All In Love”—a playful, self-aware love song.

Quote:

“Well, if only there was an orchestra here, I’d sing it for you now. Would you?”
— Patricia Lancaster (04:57)

Musical Performance:

“I’m not at all in love, not at all in love, not I, not a bit, not a mite...”
— Patricia Lancaster (05:28–07:41)

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4. Shopping and Holiday Plans (07:41–12:14)

• The search for a wedding present continues, with comedic offers like a 365-piece dinner set and a musical beer tankard.
• Horne contemplates quirky holiday options at an in-house travel bureau:
  • Parody of continental tour packages, and the fictional resort “Shuddering Fair,” with increasingly absurd tourist attractions.

Notable Quotes:

“Three hundred and sixty-five pieces. What happens if it’s leap year?”
— Kenneth Horne (08:23)
“It’s more of a last resort.”
— Travel Agent on Shuddering Fair (11:34)

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5. Seaside Revue and Variety Performances (12:14–16:55)

• Comedic parody of municipal holiday entertainment:

  • Introduction of the “Sequin Ettes,” caricatured as a stranded pier concert party.
  • Rollicking musical numbers and character introductions, sending up typical variety show tropes.

• Song Parody: Introduction of performers and comic sketches on seaside entertainment (13:14–14:10).

• Sent-up ballad: “The May Tree” (14:10–16:00)

  • Silly, romantic lyrics about an oak and a may tree’s union.

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6. Kenneth Horne Decides on a Holiday (16:55–19:27)

• Horne humorously abandons the outlandish Shuddering Sands in favor of Bournemouth for “higher standards of entertainment.”
• Musical performance by the Malcolm Mitchell Trio:
  • “Blue Tail Fly” (“Jimmy Crack Corn”), bringing the variety-show feel to the fore (17:11–19:27).

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7. Horn-O-Rama Documentary: “What the Public Are Reading” (19:27–28:14)

a. Bookshop Satire (19:50–21:00)

• Horne visits a bookshop with suggestive “plain wrapper” titles and a cheeky owner.

Notable Quote:

“Which do you sell? Most of those in the plain wrappers, I see.”
— Kenneth Horne (20:23)

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b. Government Stationery Office Parody (21:07–22:16)

• Mock-earnest recommendations for dry technical publications (“Oxyacetylene Welding for Beginners”), delivering deadpan absurdity.

Quote:

“My favorite is… a real bestseller… the survey by the Commissioners of England Revenue on the incidence of monetary transference…”
— Clerk (21:37)

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c. Library and Author Skits (22:31–26:56)

• Reporter Cecil Snaith fails to interview a chief librarian, reinforcing the theme of literary inaccessibility.
• Sketch about an author’s emotional writing process, building up to the punchline—a children’s story about “Cuddly Bunny.”
• Horne profiles “Agatha Trist,” a sendup of Agatha Christie, who poisons the interviewer during tea.

Quote:

“For instance, your tea… Oh, it’s quite a new poison. My husband discovered it in India.”
— Agatha Trist (26:27)

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d. Literary Parody Finale: Talking Books (27:10–28:14)

• Satirical vision of the future: “talking books” replacing reading, with a Mahleresque reading of Shakespeare given a “beatnik” twist.

Quote:

“Man, dig that crazy reading!”
— Kenneth Horne (27:39)

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8. Tongue-in-Cheek Closing Credits (28:14–End)

• The cast is credited with a dry, mock-modesty.
• The writers are “blamed,” and a final pun rounds out the episode:

Closing Gag:

“Is it better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved at all?”
— Kenneth Horne (27:43)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Meta commentary and wordplay are everywhere, but the episode’s most memorable elements are its comic non sequiturs and musical parodies—particularly Patricia Lancaster’s “I’m Not At All In Love.”
• The running satirical jabs at British everyday life: departmental bureaucracy, seaside holidays, bookshops with “plain wrappers,” and the BBC’s traditions.
• Parodic sendup of Agatha Christie and literary seriousness, capped with darkly comic murder-by-tea.
• Concluding flourish sends up radio credits and the value of absurd entertainment.

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Important Timestamps

• 00:31 – Cast banter; introduction
• 01:13 – Kenneth Horne’s monologue
• 03:19 – Department store scene begins
• 05:28 – Musical number: “I’m Not At All In Love”
• 08:23 – 365-piece dinner set gag
• 11:34 – “Last resort” holiday pitch
• 12:14 – Sequin Ettes musical introduction
• 14:10 – “The May Tree” song
• 17:11 – Malcolm Mitchell Trio: “Blue Tail Fly”
• 19:27 – Horn-O-Rama: books
• 21:37 – Stationery office satire
• 26:27 – Agatha Trist poisons interviewer
• 27:10 – Talking books parody
• 28:14 – Closing credits and acknowledgements

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Conclusion

This episode of Beyond Our Ken offers a masterclass in British radio comedy, blending parodic sketches, lively musical numbers, and relentless wit. For those who haven’t heard it, the episode is a veritable time capsule—one where every punchline evokes mid-century British life and the irreverence of its comedians. Whether mocking seaside entertainment or the literary establishment, the episode keeps the laughs flowing, all under Kenneth Horne’s dry stewardship.

“Is it better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved at all?” (27:43) sums up the show’s deliciously silly spirit.

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Transcript

[A]

The sun's shining, birds are singing and all feels right in the world.

[B]

Until the season changes and suddenly you lose your motivation to get out of bed.

[C]

In fact, one in five people experience some form of depression, no matter the

[B]

season or time of year.

[A]

At the American Psychiatric association foundation, our vision is to build a mentally healthy nation for all. Because we want you to live your best life and be your best you all year round.

[B]

Please visit mentallyhealthynation.org to learn more.

[C]

This is the BBC. You.

[D]

Yeah, I believe you two have met.

[C]

Oh, here's a killer. You're the chap who says this is BBC. Yes, I am and I'm sick of it.

[A]

And that was evident from the way you said it.

[C]

I thought he did it rather well this week. No, I don't agree.

[A]

He lacked fire, seems to me.

[D]

Yes, I know.

[A]

Spirit of adventure. Now, the way I do it here,

[C]

you see, you want to know about the way you rogue me?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, whatever happens during the next 30 minutes will be beyond our Kentucky. It's certainly beyond me. Among those taking part are Dipsley Wydock, Humphrey Tinkerton Cox, Ecstasy Lamour, the Right Honorable Sid Dunmer, Orry Potterton, Dame Mary Hackforth Witchett, and of course, Mr. Kenneth Horne, who prefers to remain anonymous.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, Kenneth Horn. Hello and good evening. Now first of all, here is a special message for all our listeners with baggy trousers belt up. Well, now, tonight I was going to talk to you about the problems of litter, but the producer said it was

[C]

a lot of rubbish.

[B]

So instead, let me tell you about some of the things that happened to me last week. On Monday I went to the annual holiday dinner of the Godalming Vegetarian and Nut Cutlet Society, where with a rather cunningly arranged system of subdued lighting, they were serving a main course of roast goose. Unfortunately, they left most of the feathers on my portion and the whole thing left me feeling a little down in the mouth. However, on Wednesday I attended the big fancy dress ball organized by the well known society hostess, Mrs. Alison Van Thromp. Everyone was there. Mr. Gerald Dunstan and his wife, Sir Henry Grunthorpe and his wife, Colonel Willoughby Blandings and somebody else's wife. I myself danced most of the evening with Miss Penelope Hacking Smith, a rather attractive debutante. Not a reluctant one either, because when I asked if I could take her home, she immediately agreed. So I took her home. Thursday her parents came round and asked for her back. Friday I spent a rather dull day at home because the television had been repaired. But on Saturday morning I decided to do a spot of shopping. I had to get a wedding present for a friend of mine, so I popped into our local department store, Fortnite and Peabody.

[C]

Good morning, sir. Can I be of some assistance?

[B]

Well, you see, my name is Kenneth Horn.

[C]

Oh, I don't think we can help you there.

[B]

No, no, no, no. You don't understand. I. I'm looking for a wedding person.

[C]

Oh, well, let's print it at sea. I'll show you around the store then.

[B]

Thank you very much. By the way, are you the manager?

[C]

Oh, no, sir. On the story ticket.

[D]

Oh, really?

[B]

How interesting. Do you find as much pilfering these days?

[C]

Oh, I should say so. Do you know, at our branch at Croydon last week, we lost 43 umbrellas, two plastic sausage cozies and a fluorescent cummerbund.

[B]

Really?

[E]

Good.

[C]

Worst case of theft was at our branch at East Grinstead.

[B]

Really? What was missing?

[C]

Our branch at East Grinstead. Okay, that's. That's what I call shoplifting, eh, dear? Well, there's our music and record department. A lot of people are giving records as gifts, you know.

[B]

Yes, that might be an idea, too. Man.

[C]

Dig that crazy beat.

[B]

These cats are the most crazy, man. Crazy. I'll take that one, Daddy.

[C]

Oh,

[B]

very, very unusual. What an extraordinary chap.

[C]

Oh, not really, sir. The bishop comes in here quite often. Well, now, sir, I'll leave you to browse around, sir. I'll just attend to this young lady.

[B]

Yes, I've got a better idea. You browse around and I'll attend to

[E]

the young lady and.

[B]

Good heavens, It's Patricia Lancaster. What are you doing here?

[F]

Well, I'm looking through some music for the show.

[A]

What do you think of this one, Ken?

[B]

Well, it's got a very pretty cover, but I'm afraid I don't know it.

[A]

Oh, well, if only there was an orchestra here, I'd sing it for you now. Would you?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Well, hold on a moment. Mr. Grimbold, do you happen to have such a thing as an orchestra on the premises?

[C]

Oh, funny you should ask me a thing like that. Yes, as a matter of fact, we have. It's our musical festival week. And we happen to have the entire BBC Revue Orchestra here. Forward, Mr. Rabinowitz, please.

[B]

Well, good heavens. This is an incredible coincidence. It really is. I'm afraid it's going to look as if the whole thing had been planned. Oh, well, never mind. Sing, Pat.

[F]

I'm not at all in love not at all in love not high, not a bit Not a mite Though I'll admit he's quite a hungry guy. But he's not my cup of tea. Not my cup of tea. Not tea, not an ounce, not a pinch. He's just an inch too shorter himself for me. Well, of course I'd notice that manly physique and that look in his eyes. And I'm sure he can cut most any man down to size. He must be as fierce as the tiger when he's mad. And I bet he cries like a little boy when he's sad. I'm not at all in love. Not at all in love, Not I. Not a strong, not a hand. I don't care if he's as strong as a lion or if he has the rest of you tying. You may be sold, but this God ain't buying. I'm not at all in love. Not a strong, not a head. I don't care if he's as strong as a lion or if he has the rest of you flying. I'm not at all him. I haven't fallen. I'm not at all in my.

[B]

Thank you, Pat. Jolly nice too.

[C]

Well, now, sir, we haven't solved our wedding present problem, have we? I've got it. Our china department over here, sir. I thought of the very thing. Just get it down for you there. It's this week's special offer. A charming contemporary dinner service comprising. Three hundred and sixty five pieces.

[B]

Three hundred and sixty five? What happens if it's leap year? Thank you. Rather an early leap year this year, wasn't it? But I don't think I'll take it. Say, what about this?

[C]

Oh, that's. Well, of course we do sell a lot, but not generally as wedding dresses.

[B]

I must say, you don't often see them with roses around them.

[C]

Well, that's true, sir. And of course this particular model is rather unique.

[E]

How do you mean?

[C]

Well, listen.

[B]

And charming. I think I'll take that.

[C]

Very good, sir. I'm sure your friends will be delighted with this novel. Musical beer tankard. Ten guineas, please, sir.

[B]

Ten guineas? Oh, yes.

[C]

Genuine. Dressed from China.

[B]

Why is it stamped a present from Bogner?

[C]

Oh, just a printer's error.

[B]

Oh, I see. Anyway, that reminds me, I haven't fixed my holidays yet.

[C]

Why not visit our Happy Holiday Travel Bureau? Just ask for Mr. Ratchet. I will.

[B]

Mr. Rattles.

[F]

Yes?

[B]

I'm thinking of going on holiday.

[D]

Not a splendid idea. Can we interest you on one of our special seven day lightning coach tours of the continent? Seven countries in seven days? Including a free film show on the last day. Show? Well, be it.

[B]

No, I don't think so. Thank you.

[D]

It doesn't appeal, sire. Very well. And how about Spain? Dark, mysterious, intriguing, romantic, Exotic. Pulsating. And dirt, chief?

[B]

No, I'm afraid not.

[D]

Never mind.

[B]

Well, look, Guy, that. That poster there, that looks an attractive place. I like the feeling of the. Of the hot sun beating down on the white stucco walls and that glorious stretch of golden sand sweeping down to a cobalt sea with the white sailed yachts dancing on the water.

[D]

Yeah, back.

[B]

I've gone off it.

[D]

Well, look, sir, let's approach this thing sensibly. There's a globe of the world over there. Why don't you just go over and sort yourself out and when you made up your mind, come back and I'll be happy to make this.

[B]

Good idea.

[D]

Some people. Two different worlds. Hello? Yes. Happy holiday. Travel beauty.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

August bank holiday, right?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Two second class day returns to Southend. Yes, thank you, sir. Barnett. Good day. Ah, sir, is that.

[B]

Yes? I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but have you got another globe? Well, no, I'm sorry, I just can't decide. Can't you possibly suggest where I should go?

[D]

I could, sir. We don't run trips there. Now look, how about Shuddering Fair?

[B]

Oh, is that a good resort?

[D]

It's more of a last resort. Here's their brochure. Read it for yourself. Good day.

[B]

Good day.

[C]

Shuddering Sands.

[B]

Well now, let's see what it says.

[C]

Hello there, holiday makers. So you decided on Shuddering Sands for a sunshine holiday. Here are some of the attractions which will make your holiday the one you'll never forget. The Candy Floss Works brass band will, as usual, attract many people to the beach. They'll be playing every day in the park. Music of a different nature is provided with the afternoon concerts of classical works in the tea gardens. A wit on the council has described this event as tea and symphony and

[B]

I hope he wasn't re elected.

[C]

One special feature this year is the human Birdman who takes off from the tower twice nightly and can be seen flying around the west coast, if windy the east coast. Finally, there is our concert party at the end of the pier. Yes, there they are again. Not only by popular demand, but also because they've been cut off by the tide since last year. Yes, your visit to Shuddering Sands is not complete without seeing the Sequin Ettes.

[B]

Oh no, I can't possibly read any more about Shuddering Sands. And as for the sequin nets, well, I haven't actually seen them. But can't you just imagine what their little show is like?

[C]

It decide to say hello and welcome to the show. It's time for introductions to be made. We'd like you all to know who are intimately so secret on brave. My name is Meredith Frinton. Entertaining you with puppetry and dancing and of course, a song or two.

[A]

And I'm Elsie Blossom. I'm known as Soubrette. I do a bit of everything and I'm not married yet.

[B]

I am, of course, the baritone. My name is Stanton Hope. You've probably all seen me doing ads for toilet. So you get a little luggier each day.

[F]

And I am the soprano of television fame.

[A]

No, don't look at your programs.

[F]

It's my art.

[A]

Remain.

[D]

I'm Freddy Fox, the comic. Some people say a star. If you like the jokes I tell, you'll find me in the bar.

[B]

We've entered this ourselves.

[C]

Now, that seems to be the lot.

[A]

Now, wait a minute, everyone. The someone we forgot.

[C]

Yes, of course.

[B]

It's our producer, manager and star.

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, Headley Clango. Well, now, boys and girls, after that spot of fun, it's time to introduce you to our ballot. Stanton Hope.

[B]

And good evening. I've. I've chosen first to sing a very popular ballad of yesteryear. The matry.

[E]

The.

[B]

Thank you. In my garden grew as pretty as can be There were little pink blossoms in her hair but lonely and sad was she she pined for a nearby oak tree she never knew the bliss of being held in the oak tree's boughs or the thrill of an oak

[C]

tree's kiss

[B]

the winds of March came blowing and blew with such a force that the oak tree was nearly uprooted. But the May tree stood firm Avocado she sturdily held the oak tree her branches held him fast and when later I saw the oak and may I knew it was love as love. The two young trees are married now and I'd like you all to know. May flowers bloom from the old oak tree and the May tree bells mistletoe.

[C]

Well, all good things must come to an end. We do hope that if you liked our little show, you'll tell all your friends about it.

[D]

If you didn't keep your trap shut.

[C]

But seriously, though, don't forget a complete change of program on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And our next show is program number 35. So if you're ready, boys and girls, this is the Sequin at signing off. Oh, has it been a lovely evening? We hope. We had a lovely time. We tried to do our best with Sonic Dance and now we save our world in crime it's relegated for fleeting now the time has come for us to go we will not save our

[F]

smile

[C]

we'll be seeing you again Next to.

[B]

So I decided to go to Bournemouth. For one thing, the standard of entertainment is much higher. I mean, this year you can hear for example, our very own Malcolm Mitchell Trio, who are here now to play Blue Tail Flat.

[E]

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack on and I don't care My master's gonna win. When I was young I used to wait on my master and give him his and pass the bottle when he got dry and brush away the blue tail fly Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care My master's gone away. One day he ride around the the fly so numerous they did swore one chance to bite him in the thigh the devil take the blue tailed fly Jimmy Jack gone but I don't care Jimmy Jack gone but I don't care Jimmy crack on I don't care My master's gone away the pony run he jumped he bitch he threw my master in the ditch he died and the jury wondered why the verdict was the blue tail fly they lay him under a cinnamon tree his epitop is there

[D]

to see

[E]

Beneath this stone I'm forced to lie the victim of the blue tail fly Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care My master's gone away

[C]

the

[E]

victim of the blue tail fly.

[C]

Now we come to the special Kenneth

[B]

Horne documentary feature, Horn O Rama. Yes.

[C]

Each week at this time Kenneth Horne and his team of investigators will bring you a factual report on topics of immediate interest. And tonight we present a close up on books what the public are reading.

[B]

They ought to be ashamed of themselves. Well, to start our inquiry, I paid a visit to a little bookshop just off the Charing Cross Road. And pushing my way through a crowd of elderly gentlemen busy copying down phone numbers from the advertisements outside, I went in and spoke to the proprietor.

[D]

Good afternoon.

[B]

Good afternoon. Now, what sort of books do you sell here?

[D]

You are not a policeman, are you?

[B]

Certainly not.

[D]

Now, well, in that case they got all sorts of books. You know, fiction, adventure, travel, biography, all sorts.

[B]

Yes, but which do you sell? Most of those in the plain wrappers, I see it.

[D]

Mind you, last week I did sell 400 copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace.

[B]

Did you mind, Jo?

[D]

Yes, Cause I had to put a different cover on it, you know, Nice bit of stuff she wants too. Oh, you'll have to excuse me. Here's another customer.

[B]

My dear sir, this book you sold

[C]

me last week, the Bad Woman of

[B]

Tunbridge Wells, is absolutely disgusting. I've never read anything quite so sordid

[C]

in the whole of my life.

[B]

Have you got the sheet? Certainly, sir.

[D]

Here it is. Son of the Bad Woman in Tunbridge Wells.

[B]

So much for the bookshops. On the other hand, for the really discriminating reader, there is of course, the government stationery office.

[A]

Oh, hello. Of course, we've got something for everyone here who could fail to be absolutely fascinated by some of our recent publications. For instance, take Oxyacetylene Welding for Beginners. Oh, it's such fun. All you need is a cylinder of oxygen and a pair of sunglasses and you can play for hours.

[B]

Well, now, I've read that. It's too exciting.

[A]

Oh, yes, marvellous. But you know, my favorite is our latest, a real bestseller. Yes, it is. It's the survey by the Commissioners of England Revenue on the incidence of monetary transference within the allied companies of the heavy duty steel Wirespring and Blast Firms Corporation of Hemel Hempstead.

[B]

Fascinating.

[A]

Oh, it is. It's one long merry rope, you know. And it's written by the same team that gave you Glass Blowing for the Overrated.

[B]

Yes, but now, what are the public reading? Well, the only reliable source is the public library. And our reporter, Cecil Snaith is waiting for us now outside one of London's leading libraries.

[C]

But I'm standing here now, just outside the main entrance of this very great centre of learning here. Books can be obtained on any subject you care to mention. It has, in fact, the most comprehensive collection of books to be found anywhere in the world. In a few moments, I'm going inside to talk to the chief librarian, Ms. Parkinson, who has been in charge here for a great many years and is acknowledged to be one of the foremost experts on literature. Where better then to find out exactly about reading and the habits of the public? I'm going inside. Now, there is Ms. Parkinson now, at the far end of the shelves. Ms. Parkinson, I wonder if you could. Oh. With that, we return you to the studio.

[B]

Thank you, sir. One of our most brilliant commentators. And now let's turn from the people who read to the people who write, the authors. Well, being an author isn't always easy. Often it takes months of tedious preparation and ceaseless hard work to produce the finished novel. But what a wonderful Feeling of achievement when that moment is finally reached. And no wonder that the author wishes to share his moment of triumph with a close friend.

[C]

Thank goodness it's finished at last. Come in. Oh, Rodney, how good of you to come.

[D]

I wouldn't have missed this naming for anything. Charles.

[E]

Per.

[D]

You finally finished?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, Rodney, I can't tell you how glad I am it's all over.

[D]

Was it beastly?

[C]

No idea. The agony I went through with this one. Plot wouldn't come right. Characterizations eluded me. There were days when I just could not write a word. But now, at last it's done.

[D]

Read it to me, Charles.

[B]

Very well,

[C]

cuddly bunny. Pop his little pink nose out of the weather pillow. Good morning, world, he said.

[B]

Turning now to crime, we immediately think of that celebrated authoress, Agatha Trist, who, with some 450 books, 27 plays and three or four films to her credit, is undoubtedly a unique phenomenon in the literary world. Unique perhaps because Agatha Triss herself is a rather genteel middle aged lady of simple tastes who lives in the seclusion of a quiet house in the country. The other day one of our reporters went down to take tea with Ms. Tris.

[A]

Thank you, Jason, that will be all.

[D]

Very good, madam.

[A]

Now, now, Mr. Martin, how many loves for you?

[C]

Two, please.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Now, Ms. Trist, how did you first become interested in the subject of crime?

[A]

Well, you see, it's such a fascinating subject. I don't think anyone can fail to be interested in the play of human emotions involved in crime and its solution. You see, I look upon each of my little tables as a challenge to be met.

[C]

Well, you certainly succeeded. I suppose it is really quite difficult to be constantly thinking of new situations and methods of murder.

[A]

Well, well, of course I am experimenting all the time. For instance, your tea.

[B]

I beg your pardon?

[A]

Oh, it's quite a new poison. My husband is discovered it in India.

[C]

What?

[B]

You.

[C]

You mean that.

[D]

You blame madam?

[A]

Yes. Jenkins, put this gentleman in the gun room with the other.

[D]

Very good, madam.

[A]

Oh, oh, and Jenkins.

[D]

Yes, madam?

[A]

Show in the book critic from the Radio Times.

[B]

So much for the books of today. But one of the future. Well, the trend is towards talking books. The putting on record of the classics of literature. Soon perhaps we will no longer read our favorite books, but settle down in the evenings and listen to them on gramophone records.

[C]

Do not muse at me, my most worthy friend. I have a strange infirmity which is nothing to those that know me. Come, love and health to all.

[B]

Man, dig that crazy reading.

[C]

This cat is the most go man

[B]

go, Well, there you are. This is Kenneth Horne saying goodbye for now and leaving you with this thought. Is it better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved at all? You might have been listening to or

[C]

have just missed Beyond Our Ken, a sort of recorded radio show which gave employment to Kenneth Horne and also to Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddock, Betty Marsden, Ron Moody, Patricia Langley Orchestra, the Malcolm Mitchell Trio and the BBC Review Orchestra, conducted by Harry Rabinowitz. The script, believe it or not, was written and letters of complaint should be sent to Eric Merriman and Barry Took. However, the onus must inevitably fall on our producer, Jake Sprague.