Billie Burke Show 46-07-27 xxx The Carnival Concession Stand

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Billie Burke Show 46-07-27 — "The Carnival Concession Stand"
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Air Date (Original): July 27, 1946
Podcast Release: November 17, 2025

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Overview

This episode takes listeners on a charming, comedic journey to the world of the Billie Burke Show, a classic Golden Age radio sitcom. Set in the idyllic “little white house on Sunnyview Drive,” the story centers on the upcoming Ladies Club Charity Carnival. Billie Burke, her brother Julius, and housekeeper Daisy tumble into a slapstick adventure as Billie ropes Julius into helping with the carnival’s most ridiculous concession: a "hit the head" booth.

The theme revolves around the interplay of dignity vs. humility, sibling antics, community spirit, and good old-fashioned slapstick, all peppered with the era’s sparkling wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Progression

1. Setting the Stage: Julius's Job Prospects

• [02:36–05:35]
  • Julius Burke is rushing out for a meeting at the Brooks Baby Buggy Bumper Company.
  • Daisy mentions Julius’ temper and doubts about his “dignified” character, impacting his job prospects.
  • Humorous legal jargon:

    “He can examine cross witnesses and tell when things are irreverent and immature. He graduated from law school with high honors. He has a degree of OPA.” (Billy Burke, 03:40)

  • Julius is aiming for “chairman of the board” but struggles to impress Mr. Van Brooks with his temperament.

2. The Carnival Opportunity

• [05:35–09:02]
  • Billie is asked to run a carnival booth and volunteers Julius to help, seeing this as a chance to impress the influential Mrs. Van Brooks.
  • Hilarity ensues as Julius realizes his role: standing with his “head through a hole in a piece of canvas” while people throw balls at him.
  • Julius objects, worried it will ruin his dignified image; Billie reassures him it’s “good clean fun” and a chance to make community contacts.

3. Arguments & Sibling Banter

• [09:02–14:53]
  • Julius is mortified by the booth’s “make a fool out of myself” aspect, while Billie points out that community goodwill is at stake.
  • Concern about old rivals (e.g., landlord Mr. Gibbons) getting a shot at Julius heightens his anxiety.
  • Disguising Julius is considered (“burnt cork on your face and a wig”) in hopes even Mr. Van Brooks won’t recognize him.

4. Practice Makes Imperfect

• [17:25–21:16]
  • At home, Billie and Daisy practice by throwing stale biscuits and cinnamon rolls at Julius’ head, reinforcing the episode’s slapstick roots.
  • Julius is deeply embarrassed but resigned.
  • The farcical scene is interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Van Brooks, catching Julius mid-practice.

5. Comedic Climax: The Real Carnival

• [22:43–26:42]
  • At the carnival, Julius, in costume, dreads being recognized.
  • Mr. Van Brooks insists on trying to hit Julius at the booth, revealing old sports prowess and competitive spirit.
  • The encounter turns into a comical rivalry:

    “You windbag. Van Brooks, you couldn't hit the side of a barn. If you were locked inside, you couldn’t pitch your way through a wet newspaper.” (Julius Burke, 25:47)

  • The crowd swells; the concession is a hit—literally and figuratively—as Mr. Van Brooks spends $25 trying to hit Julius.

6. Resolution & Reconciliation

• [26:52–29:07]
  • Back home, Julius nurses his bruised head but laments the spectacle he’s made, believing his job hopes are dashed.
  • Mr. Van Brooks visits, apologizes, and admits to being outsmarted by the clever act.
  • Impressed by Julius’ ability to “make money,” Van Brooks offers him the attorney job after all.

    “Any man who can outsmart me, I want for a friend. What do you say, Julius?” (Van Brooks, 28:37)
    “You certainly have a head for making money.” (Billy Burke, 29:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Classic Billie to Julius wisdom:

  “You’re so funny. No, no. He gives the company legal advice. You know, like ipso facto and e pluribus unum.” (Billy Burke, 03:59)

• On the job opportunity:

  “You see how perfectly it's going to work out. Julius will help me at the concession this afternoon. That will please Mrs. Van Brooks. Then Mr. Van Brooks will give Julius the job. You see, the gears of fate are just gnashing perfectly.” (Billy Burke, 06:53)

• On the carnival booth:

  “Standing with one's head through a hole while people throw little balls at you is perfectly legitimate occupation. Good clean fun. And think of the contacts you'll make.” (Billy Burke, 09:15)

• Disguising Julius:

  “We’re going to put burnt cork on your face and a wig. And then if Mr. Van Brooks appears, you simply shout, ‘mammy, Mammy.’” (Billy Burke, 14:41)

• Sibling affection and exasperation:

  “Little sister? My affection is exceeded only by my desire to open your little head and see what's inside of it.” (Julius Burke, 19:53)

• Slapstick peak:

  “Me, Julius Burke, attorney, dodging stale cinnamon rolls.” (Julius Burke, 20:39)

• Hilarious concession pitch at the carnival:

  “Step right this way and try your skill. Hit the Dodger and win a pair of nylons. Three balls for 25 cents, five for a dime.” (Billy Burke, 23:19)

• Defining moment of Julius’ dignity:

  “I never thought that I'd wind up with my face covered with soot and my head stuck through a hole in a carnival tent. Well, I'm a defeated man. I feel low enough to cry.” (Julius Burke, 23:50)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:30] – Launch of the main plot: Julius’ career dilemma and carnival announcement.
• [05:35] – Billie volunteers Julius for the carnival booth, setting up the core gag.
• [09:02] – Julius learns exactly how humiliating the task will be.
• [17:25] – Slapstick rehearsal scene with Billie and Daisy practicing their throws on Julius.
• [21:16] – Mr. Van Brooks catches Julius mid-practice.
• [23:19–26:42] – Carnival climax: Mr. Van Brooks vs. Julius at the booth.
• [28:02–29:07] – Reconciliation and job offer; episode’s resolution.

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Tone & Style

The episode is delivered in a light, upbeat, and wise-cracking 1940s radio comedy style, blending physical slapstick with sparkling sibling repartee, gentle satire of social aspiration, and small-town community flavor. Performances are animated yet affectionate, poking fun at human foibles with warmth.

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Final Thoughts

This episode encapsulates the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio—heart, humor, and hijinks. Listeners are treated to quick-witted banter, gentle life lessons, and a comedic plot that rewards humility, cleverness, and family ties. Even through humiliation, Julius comes out on top, teaching us that sometimes a little laughter and willingness to play the clown is the best way to win people over—and land the job of your dreams.

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Transcript

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[Julius Burke]

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[Billy Burke]

Good morning, everybody. Good morning.

[Narrator]

As we join our friends in the little white house on Sunnyview drive, we find Ms. Burke and her housekeeper Daisy in the living room. It's a warm summer morning, the beginning of a beautiful day, and Daisy is.

[Julius Burke]

Just saying, why'd your brother Julius go in such a hurry this morning? Ms. Billy lady took out of the house like a cyclone.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, brother Julius had an appointment with Mr. Brooks Van Brooks at the Brooks Baby Buggy Bumper Company. Mr. Brooks Van Brooks Van Brooks, yes.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, I've heard of him. He's a pretty big man, ain't he?

[Billy Burke]

Well, I'd say he weighs about 160 pounds? Daisy, I wouldn't know.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, no, ma'. Am. I mean, he's got a pretty important job in the Baby Buggy Bumper Company.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes, I'm certain he has. I believe he has charge of the lumber department. Julia says he's the chairman of the board. Of course, he didn't say which board Mr. Van Brooks was chairman of.

[Julius Burke]

I figured Mr. Julius had something cooking the way he gobbled up his breakfast and rain.

[Billy Burke]

I'll tell you a secret, Daisy. Julius went to law school, you know, and.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, you mean Mr. Julius is a lawyer?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, certainly. He can examine cross witnesses and tell when things are irreverent and immature. He graduated from law school with high honors. He has a degree of OPA. Oh, thank you.

[Julius Burke]

What? If Mr. Julius is a lawyer, what's he gonna do in a factory? Oh, he gonna make lawsuit.

[Billy Burke]

Lawsuit? Make law? Oh, they. Not really, Daisy. I can't stand it. You're so funny. No, no. He gives the company legal advice. You know, like ipso facto and e pluribus unum.

[Julius Burke]

That will be Mr. Julius Job, huh?

[Billy Burke]

Well, Julius is hoping it will. He's been talking to Mr. Van Brooks about it for weeks.

[Julius Burke]

What's holding things up?

[Billy Burke]

Holding? Holding things up? Oh, holding things up. Oh, you mean. Why hasn't Mr. Van Brooks hired him already? Well, it seems that Mr. Van Brooks is not quite convinced that Julius can control his temper. He has a terrible temper, as you know, Daisy.

[Julius Burke]

You telling me?

[Billy Burke]

And Mr. Van Brooks is still a little doubtful if Julius is dignified enough for the position. So now Julius is trying his best to convince Mr. Van Brooks that he has a nice temper and that he's very dignified.

[Julius Burke]

That ain't gonna be easy.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, no, that's true. Julius is easily aroused. He'll FL off the handles at the drop of a pan. But he's trying to do better, dear. I hope he gets that job at the Baby Buggy Bumper Company. It will mean so much to him. I get it, Daisy. Hello. Hello. I beg Your pardon? Oh, Mrs. Van Brook.

[Julius Burke]

Oh.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes, this afternoon. Goodness, I'd almost forgotten. Will I? Of course. Yes, yes, I see. A man to help. Well, I'm sure my brother Julius will be glad to help. Oh, that's Perfectly all right, Mrs. Vanbrugh. See you this afternoon. Bye. Bye. Good gracious, Aisy, I'd completely forgotten what day this was.

[Julius Burke]

Well, what day is it? Not counting Saturday.

[Billy Burke]

Why, today is the Ladies Club Charity carnival. That was Mrs. Van Brooks and she wants me to take charge of one of the concessions Isn't it exciting? Just imagine me standing in front of my concession shouting, right this way. See the lion and the tigers. See the man eating giraffe and the talking elephant land alive.

[Julius Burke]

Ms. Billy, you ain't gonna have them things in your concession?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, silly. No, of course not. I just say that to make the people buy tickets. Oh, remember the words of that famous circumstance. What is his name? Boatman or something?

[Julius Burke]

Barnum.

[Billy Burke]

Barnum Barman. Oh, really? Barman? Well, Mr. Barnum said people love to be fooled. It was also Mr. Barman who said, there's someone born every minute. So, Daisy, if it's true that people love to be fooled, who am I to deny them a little happiness?

[Julius Burke]

Okay, I ain't going to argue. Well, this Mrs. Van Brooks, is she the Mrs. Van Brooks?

[Billy Burke]

The Mrs. Oh, naturally she must be. Mrs. Van Brooks is the president of the Saturday Evening ladies Club. And Mr. Van Brooks is chairman of the boards at the Brooks Baby Buggy Bumper Company. You know, you see how perfectly it's going to work out. Julius will help me at the concession this afternoon. That will please Mrs. Van Brooks. Then Mr. Van Brooks will give Julius the job. You see, the gears of fate are just gnashing perfectly.

[Julius Burke]

Well, maybe it's going to be all right. Sounds pretty good. Hello, Billy.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julius, I'm so glad you're home.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, yeah? Why?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, I have some perfectly delightful news to tell you. But first, how did you get along with Mr. Van Brooks this morning? Were you dignified? Did you control your temper?

[Julius Burke]

Of course I controlled my temper. Well, I'm glad you think I'm a child. I'd like to know where people get the idea that I have a bad temper. The next person that says I have a bad temper, I'm going to bust right square in the nose.

[Billy Burke]

Now, you see, There you go losing that temper again. Shame on you, Julius.

[Julius Burke]

Who's losing his temper? I can talk, can't I, Julius? I do all right. I did, but I'm getting control of it. I think I made a pretty good impression on old BVD this morning.

[Billy Burke]

BVD? BBB oh, Mr. Brooks. Van Brooks all, of course. Oh, well, I'm so glad for your sake, Julius. Were you very dignified?

[Julius Burke]

Sure, I was. Dignified? Dignified as a deacon.

[Billy Burke]

Good. Good for you. Well, you're practically assured of the position with the factory.

[Julius Burke]

What do you mean?

[Billy Burke]

Well, Mrs. Van Brooks is president of our Ladies Club. And we are having a charity carnival this afternoon. I am going to have charge of a concession. And I told Mrs. Van Brooks that you'd be glad to help me. You see the connection?

[Julius Burke]

Yes. Not bad. Not a bad idea. In fact, for you, Billy, it's phenomenal.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julius, you flatterer.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, that ought to put me in pretty solid with bvb. Yep. What do I have to do?

[Billy Burke]

Well, that's the nice part of it. You don't really have to do anything at all. You just stand.

[Julius Burke]

Just stand?

[Billy Burke]

Yes, just stand with your head through a hole in a piece of canvas.

[Julius Burke]

My head through. My head through a hole?

[Billy Burke]

We have sort of a tent. It's open in front, and I have a little counter there. And in the back of the tent there's a. And all you have to do is put your head through the hole while people throw little balls at you. Simple?

[Julius Burke]

Simple. Do you mean that you told Mrs. Van Brooks that I was going to do that?

[Billy Burke]

Well, I told her you were going to help me. You mean you don't want to?

[Julius Burke]

Great boiling bulrushes. I'm supposed to be a clown now. An idiot.

[Billy Burke]

No, no, Judith, you're not a clown at all. Or an idiot. Standing with one's head through a hole while people throw little balls at you is perfectly legitimate occupation. Good clean fun. And think of the contacts you'll make.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, that's what I am thinking about, and I won't do it. Here I've been knocking myself out trying to prove to old man Van Brooks that I'm dignified. I just about had him convinced. And now you want me to go to his wife's charity doings and make a fool out of myself.

[Narrator]

No.

[Julius Burke]

You call up Mrs. Van Brooks and you tell her I refuse. Absolutely refuse.

[Billy Burke]

All right. But I think you're cutting off your own nose to spite my face. Mrs. Van Brooks said her husband would be very pleased to know you were willing to cooperate with our club. I don't know how Mr. Van Brooks will feel about it either if you back out now.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, you're probably right. Well, what am I going to do?

[Billy Burke]

Simply come out to the carnival this afternoon, help me at the concession. Have fun. Join in the sport.

[Julius Burke]

Join in the sport? Fine sport. Letting a lot of people throw balls in my head. Why, they. They'll kill me.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julia, don't be ridiculous. They don't hit you with the ball.

[Julius Burke]

No. Why not?

[Billy Burke]

Why, you dodge skillfully. Left, right, up, down. That's what makes the game so fascinating. That's why the people pay their money. They try to hit you, but each time you dodge, you can just imagine how exciting it will be.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, I can imagine.

[Billy Burke]

Aha.

[Julius Burke]

What if I don't happen to dodge just right? Then what?

[Billy Burke]

Then the man gets a pair of nylons.

[Julius Burke]

No, I'm talking about me. My head. What happens to my head?

[Billy Burke]

Nothing. Nothing at all. You just get a gentle little tap with the ball. It's absolutely harmless, Julius. You can't possibly be hurt.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, I can't be hurt?

[Billy Burke]

No.

[Julius Burke]

Well, that's some consolation. What kind of balls are they going to use?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, just little regular sized baseballs.

[Julius Burke]

Little regular sized base. Great Scott. Billy Burke, those things are heavy. Think what that will do to my head if those baseballs hit me.

[Billy Burke]

Don't be selfish, Julius. Think what it will do to the baseballs.

[Julius Burke]

Of all the people in the world. All the people in the world. Why? Why did I have to get you for a sister?

[Billy Burke]

I don't know, Julius. I guess you were just lucky.

[Julius Burke]

Listen, Billy, can you imagine how I'm going to look out there with my head stuck through that hole?

[Billy Burke]

I think you would be handsome. Well, Julius, we might even paint some palm trees on the canvas, you know, and make it look like a jungle. And then you pretend you're a gorilla man peering through the trees. Would you like that?

[Julius Burke]

No, I wouldn't like that.

[Billy Burke]

You wouldn't?

[Julius Burke]

I think the whole idea is the most ridiculous thing ever perpetrated on a human being.

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[Julius Burke]

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[Billy Burke]

Oh, Judy, you sound just like a lawyer. That's such a nice word, isn't perpetuated? I've tried to use it several times, but it always comes out perpetuated, but I don't know what it means. Anyway, so I haven't really lost anything, have I?

[Julius Burke]

Billy, I'm trying to control my temper. I'm trying hard, but there's a limit to a man's endurance. Now tell me, tell me, in words of one syllable, who is going to be at this carnival this afternoon?

[Billy Burke]

In words of one syllable, who is going to be? Nobody. Just people.

[Julius Burke]

I know, I know. What people? Who are the people?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, there'll be lots of people. Probably Mr. And Mrs. Lambert. You know Mr. Lambert? You've met him once or twice. He's the paymaster of the Pea Pickers Union. And then there'll be Mr. And Mrs. Nestbom. Mr. Nussbaum is in cutlery and stew pans at Bigelow's Hardware Store. You've seen him. And then there'll be Mrs. Gibbons and Mr. Gibbons, our landlord.

[Julius Burke]

Gibbons? You mean that crook that low down?

[Billy Burke]

Mr. Julius, we must forgive and forget. After all, you beat Mr. Gibbons in the sailboat race.

[Julius Burke]

That's just the trouble. He's waiting for a chance to get even. And if he sees me with my head through that hole and and baseballs, he'll hammer my brains out.

[Billy Burke]

Not if you dodge skillfully, Julius. And just think of the money he'll be spending trying, you know. Oh, I really believe our concession is going to show a handsome profit. Julius. There must be lots of other people who are mad at you.

[Julius Burke]

Yeah, hundreds of them.

[Billy Burke]

Well, we should invite them. You know, we could take in thousands of dollars.

[Julius Burke]

What a time you pick to get me into a mess like this. I'm shooting at the biggest job in my whole career. I'm trying to. And now this. What if Dan Brooks shows up there? If he sees me out there making a fool of myself, I'm cooked.

[Billy Burke]

Now, Julius, you're jumping and contusions. Remember the old saying, don't cross your bridges till your bread is butter. I'm sure Mr. Van Brooks won't be at the carnival this afternoon. And if he should come, he'll surely never recognize you.

[Julius Burke]

Won't recognize me?

[Billy Burke]

Well, of course not. We're going to put burnt cork on your face and a wig. And then if Mr. Van Brooks appears, you simply shout, mammy, Mammy.

[Julius Burke]

And who is he supposed to think that I am?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julius, the man all the bobby socks are raving about. That man. Van, Van Van Jolson. You know.

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[Billy Burke]

Oh, quick, Julius, come here. I have a beautiful idea.

[Julius Burke]

Whatever it is, the answer is no, no, no. I've had enough of your ideas for one day.

[Billy Burke]

Don', Unreasonable, Julius. We have to be out of the carnival in less than an hour, and you've got to practice.

[Julius Burke]

Practice What?

[Billy Burke]

Why? Dodging the baseballs. You don't want them to hit you on the head. And furthermore, every time they hit you, we have to give someone a pair of nylons. And we only have those 12 pairs that Mrs. Brooks won on that wonderful Listerine toothpaste contest.

[Julius Burke]

You know, all I ask is that Van Brooks doesn't find out about it. I don't care what else happens.

[Billy Burke]

Don't you even care if we make money? Don't you care if our concession is a succession?

[Julius Burke]

No. And what's more, it's not our concession. I'm in it only because I was trapped, snared, betrayed behind my back. If I could get out of this mess any way at all, you wouldn't see me for dust.

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[Julius Burke]

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[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julia, what's the matter? I have a feeling that you are not happy.

[Julius Burke]

Not happy?

[Billy Burke]

Listen, Billy, I. I only told Mrs. Van Brooks you'd help at the carnival because I thought it would help you.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, yes, I know.

[Billy Burke]

I know. I'm sorry, Julius. I don't know why I do such awful things.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, now, wait a minute, Billy. Wait a minute. It's not that awful.

[Billy Burke]

It is. I made you unhappy.

[Julius Burke]

No, you haven't.

[Billy Burke]

You don't want to help at the carnival. You don't want to stick your head through the hole in the canvas and have people throw baseballs at you.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, I do. I mean, I do. Don't cry. I want to help with the carnival. I love to have people throw baseballs at me. Really?

[Billy Burke]

You do? Oh, Julius, you're very sweet. It was just a misunderstanding, wasn't it?

[Julius Burke]

Yes.

[Billy Burke]

I guess I love my big brother. You love your little sister.

[Julius Burke]

Little sister? My affection is exceeded only by my desire to open your little head and see what's inside of it.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julius, you can say the loveliest things, but we must get down to business.

[Julius Burke]

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

[Billy Burke]

I'm going to hang this blanket up here in the archway. I've cut a hole in the middle of it. That's for you to put your head through.

[Julius Burke]

Yeah, but why?

[Billy Burke]

Well, we're going to practice, Julius. Daisy and I are going to throw things at you, and you're going to dodge just the way you do at the carnival.

[Julius Burke]

What are you going to throw?

[Billy Burke]

Well, I couldn't find any baseballs, but Daisy has some stale biscuits and some old cinnamon rolls. All right, now put your head through the hole. That's it.

[Julius Burke]

If anybody sees me doing this, I'll never live it down me, Julius Burke, attorney, dodging stale cinnamon rolls.

[Billy Burke]

We haven't got any fresh ones. I'm sorry. Now you'll be happy you did. All right, Eddie. Come on, come on. Bring the sickle.

[Julius Burke]

I got him, Miss Billy.

[Billy Burke]

Good. Now, Julius, when we throw you great howling catfish.

[Julius Burke]

Somebody's at the door. Let me get out of this blanket. Get me out of here. Billy.

[Billy Burke]

Julius, don't struggle. Nobody's going to see you. I see who it is.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, murder.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, dear. Oh, how do? You, too.

[Julius Burke]

How do you do? I'm Brooks.

[Narrator]

Van Brooks.

[Julius Burke]

He's Mr. Julius Burke here. Brooks.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes, he is Mr. Brooks. Van Brooks. But you see, Where?

[Julius Burke]

Thank you very much. I won't stay but a moment. I just wanted to. Well, Mr. Burke. Hello, B.B.B. well, what in heaven's name are you doing with your head through that blank? All this? Why, you.

[Billy Burke]

Julius is practicing, Mr. Van Brooks. You see, he's.

[Julius Burke]

Yes, I was just showing my sister one of the. One of the ancient Hindu tortures. Saw it on one of my trips through India. Torture? Yes, they call it sacrifice in a blanket. Very painful. Yes. Yes, I can imagine. Well, I'm in a hurry, Julius. Just step in to see if you'd like to play a round of golf with me this afternoon and talk about that position with our company. Sure, BBB I'll certainly be glad to.

[Billy Burke]

Julius, have you forgotten?

[Julius Burke]

What?

[Billy Burke]

Well, Julius is terribly sorry, Mr. BVB but he promised to help out at the charity carnival this afternoon.

[Julius Burke]

But, Billy.

[Billy Burke]

That's right.

[Julius Burke]

I'm glad you reminded me, Ms. Burke. My wife's in on that affair and I told her I'd show up. Well, I guess we'll have to play golf some other time, Julia. Some other time. Well, I'll have to get back home. See you at the carnival, Julia. Goodbye. Goodbye, BBB you'll see me at the carnival, Billy Burke. Why? Why did you have to tell him I was going to be there? Of all the dim brained, short sighted, thoughtless, dumb heads. My chance, my big chance, gone. Gone right out the window.

[Billy Burke]

Which window?

[Julius Burke]

Now I am sunk. He'll see me out there making a jackass out of myself and Bluey. He'll never let me into his office again. He won't even speak to me again.

[Billy Burke]

Julius, that. Not the proper attitude.

[Julius Burke]

Not the proper attitude?

[Billy Burke]

No. You're just imagining a lot of horrible things. You've got to look on the bright side. You've got to be an optometrist. Now, we'll just go out to the carnival. We won't worry. Why, with all the people out there, Mr. Van Brooks will never see you. Goodness, it'll be just like finding a needle in a hayride. All right, ladies and gentlemen, step right this way and try your skill. Hit the Dodger and win a pair of nylons. Three balls for 25 cents, five for a dime. Hit the man on the head and you'll get a pair of nylons.

[Julius Burke]

Take it easy, Billy. Not so loud. Somebody's liable to hear you.

[Billy Burke]

I want them to hear me, Julius. All the other concessions are making money hand over foot and we haven't had a single customer.

[Julius Burke]

That's fine. Let's keep it that way.

[Billy Burke]

Julius, you look so. That's why no one tries to hit you. Can't you look fierce? Can't you look mean?

[Julius Burke]

No, no. I never thought that I'd wind up with my face covered with soot and my head stuck through a hole in a carnival tent. Well, I'm a defeated man. I feel low enough to cry.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, you mustn't do that, Julius. Your mascara will run.

[Julius Burke]

Billy, for heaven's sake, do something. Here comes Van Brooks. Close up the place. Tell him you're out of business.

[Billy Burke]

I can't do there. Quick, Julius, look. Look like somebody else. Well, I don't know anybody. Just anybody.

[Julius Burke]

I can't think of anybody.

[Billy Burke]

Well, it's too late now. Oh, how. Good afternoon, Mr. Van Brooks. How are you? Lovely morning, isn't it?

[Julius Burke]

How do you do, miss? Work looks as if the carnival's a big success.

[Billy Burke]

Yes, things are just humming and buzzing. Have you ridden on that Merry Go Round yet over there, Mr. Van Brooks, it's a lot of fun.

[Julius Burke]

Well, I'm a little too old for that sort of thing. I thought I'd try my luck at least. Your baseball throwing, though.

[Billy Burke]

Well, I don't think you'd enjoy it very much. It really isn't any fun at all. In fact, it's very dangerous.

[Julius Burke]

Dangerous?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes, indeed. The last man who came in threw his arm right out of the socket. Out of the joint or something. It just flew out.

[Julius Burke]

I can assure you I won't throw my arm out of the joint. I was a professional pitcher once, you know, in baseball. Oh, Would have like to see if I can still use the old arm and throw a ball? Yes, same a fellow with his head through the hole. That dodger. Isn't that. Why, it's Julius. Well, hello, Julius. Hello, dear. Oh, BVB yes, it's me. I couldn't help it, but I can explain. No need to explain it all. Let's see. Ms. Burke give me five balls. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

[Billy Burke]

Not. Not too hard, Mr. Van Brooks. Julius is a little rustic.

[Julius Burke]

Well, I'll knock the rust off him in a hurry. Here, doc, this one.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Mr. Van Brooks, you hit him right on the head. Please be careful. You'll get him a skull fraction.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, so you want to get tough about it, huh, Van Brooks? All right, go ahead, you big stuffed shirt. Try to hit me again. Go ahead. I dare you. Think I can do you? Well, get out of the way of this one.

[Billy Burke]

How goody. You missed.

[Julius Burke]

Hooray. You windbag. Van Brooks, you couldn't hit the side of a barn. If you were locked inside, you couldn't pitch your way through a wet newspaper. Oh, is that so? Here. Here's $10, Ms. Brooks. Stack up those balls. I'll show em who's a windbag.

[Billy Burke]

Good grace, $10. And there's a crowd gathering now. Be careful, Mr. Van Brooks.

[Julius Burke]

I'll hit that head of Hislin Rings like a Chinese dog.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, please.

[Julius Burke]

Gotcha that time. Give me room. I'm in the groove. Oh, you were lucky, that's all. You can't do it again. You're a bum, Van Brooks. You're a great big bum. A bum. Am I wise? You wait. A bum. A bum. Oh, my head.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, poor Julius. Your head is covered with bumps. Looks just like a sack full of apples.

[Julius Burke]

Be careful, Billy. You're killing me.

[Billy Burke]

I'm only rubbing some liniment on it. Oh, poor Julius. I'm so terribly sorry. It's all my fault.

[Julius Burke]

That awful Mr. Brooks, he's still a bum.

[Billy Burke]

Yes, he's a bum. You shouldn't have called him such bad names, though, Julius. You made him so awfully mad. Why, he was positively infatuated.

[Julius Burke]

Yeah, I know, but he made me plenty mad too. I lost my cheek. But it's too late now. I've lost my job.

[Billy Burke]

Wasn't fair. There was no reason for him to get mad just because you did.

[Julius Burke]

No.

[Billy Burke]

Goodness, he must have spent $25 throwing balls at you.

[Julius Burke]

$25? The way my head feels, it was more like a hundred. Oh, what a day.

[Billy Burke]

An ill wind that blows. No early bird. Mr. Van Brooks attracted a crowd, and we did more business than any other concession. That's a courtable. Oh, dear, someone's at the door. I'm coming. Oh, Mr. Van Brooks.

[Julius Burke]

I came over to apologize. I'm sorry, Julia. You're still a bug.

[Billy Burke]

Julius. Julius. Forgive and forget. Let bygones be. Has been.

[Julius Burke]

I acted pretty mean this afternoon. I lost my temper. I was a big fool. When I got home and discovered how much money I'd spent throwing those balls, I suddenly realized that you had outsmarted me.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, but you just didn't do it on purpose. Mr. Van Brookse just momentarily flew off the handlebars, you know.

[Julius Burke]

Oh, no, he didn't.

[Narrator]

No, he didn't.

[Julius Burke]

It was very plain to me that you were simply putting on an act. Julius, you didn't lose your temper at all, did you? No. Well, what do you call it? No trick of show business. Make him mad. My wife showed me the report on the carnival. Your concession topped everything else.

[Narrator]

Good business, my boy.

[Julius Burke]

Any man who can outsmart me, I want for a friend. What do you say, Julius? Well, okay, BBB I thought you'd realize that I was only kidding. You're a good man. Good enough to be the attorney for the Brooks Baby Buggy Bumper Company as of tomorrow morning. Tomorrow? Well, fine. But these bumps on my head.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Julius, I'm so proud of you. And don't worry about the bumps. Out at the carnival, you proved one thing.

[Julius Burke]

Yeah? What's that?

[Billy Burke]

You certainly have a head for making money.

[Narrator]

Calling all women who like pretty clothes.

[Julius Burke]

Calling all women who have a yen for nylon stockings.

[Narrator]

Try your lady luck at winning lovely nylons of note by whole proof in the Listerine Toothpaste Contest. If you haven't already made a note of the three simple rules for the contest, take them down now. The rules are. 1. Complete the following sentence in 25 words or less. I like Listerine toothpaste because. 2. Write or print your entry together with your name, address and stocking size. Be sure to also include your leg length, short, medium or long. 3. Enclose the side or facsimile of the side of a Listerine toothpaste box. But this is important. The side you enclose must be the one that carries the Good Housekeeping seal. Mail your entry to Listerine Contest Post Office Box 491 Times Square, N.Y. 18, New York Independent judges will award prizes for originality, interest and sincerity. Duplicate prizes in case of ties. The judge's decision will be final and no entries will be returned. All entries and ideas submitted become the property of Lambert Pharmacal Company. The contest is open to all except employees of Lambert Pharmacal Co. And associated companies. Why not get in this easy contest today? Mail your entry with your name, address, stocking size and length and the side of a Listerine toothpaste box carrying the Good Housekeeping seal to Listerine Contest Post office box 491, Times Square, New York. 18, New York.

[Billy Burke]

Goodbye, Mr. Miller. Goodbye, everybody. Till next Saturday. And remember to always look for those delicate. And try to find the sunny side of life.

[Narrator]

The Billy Burke show is produced by Axel Gruenberg. Today's story was written by Paul West. A part of Daisy is played by Lillian Randolph. And Earl Ross is our Julius. Music is under the direction of Carl Bonowitz. Tune in again next Saturday when the makers of Listerine Toothpaste again present the Billy Burke show for the best in Saturday Listening. Don't miss let's Pretend the Billy Burke show and Armstrong's Theater of today. Your announcer is Marvin Miller. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Julius Burke]

Foreign.

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[Julius Burke]

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