Billie Burke Show 46-08-24 The Thousand Dollar Bill

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Billie Burke Show 46-08-24: The Thousand Dollar Bill

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Introduction: A Quiet Weekend Begins

The episode opens in the charming Little White House on Sunnyview Drive on a bright summer morning. Billy Burke and her companion, Daisy, are enjoying a leisurely breakfast, anticipating a peaceful weekend now that Billy's brother, Julius, is away on a business trip. Billy muses, “We don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to. While Julius is away, we can have a real vacation” (01:37).

Colonel Fitz’s Unexpected Visit

Their tranquility is soon interrupted by the arrival of Colonel Fitz, a friend of the family. Colonel Fitz requests Billy to keep a substantial sum of money for him: "$1,000 in cash" (03:45). Billy expresses her apprehension, remarking, “$1,000 all in that little piece of paper” (03:49), highlighting the enormity of the request.

The Dilemma: Trust and Responsibility

Billy and Daisy grapple with the responsibility of safeguarding such a large amount. Daisy voices her concerns, stating, “That’s too much money for one hunk of paper. What are we gonna do with it?” (05:20). To mitigate the risk, Billy devises a plan to have strangers hide the money, ensuring neither she nor Daisy knows its whereabouts.

Introducing Albert and Clarence: The Strangers from the Park

Billy takes to the park to find unsuspecting individuals willing to help. She approaches Albert and Clarence, two men struggling financially, and offers them a dollar each to hide the thousand-dollar bill. Billy explains her rationale: “Neither Daisy nor I want to know where the money is hidden. So we have to have someone outside the family hide it” (09:00). After some hesitation, Albert and Clarence agree, intrigued by the offer.

Securing the Hidden Fortune

Albert and Clarence accept the task, and Billy entrusts them with the money. She emphasizes her intention to remain uninvolved: “I don't want to know where you put it. That's why I brought you here.” (10:52). The two men hide the bill in a hat within the hall closet, believing it’s secure.

Colonel Fitz’s Return: A Twist of Fate

Unexpectedly, Colonel Fitz returns earlier than anticipated. He discovers the absence of the money and confronts Billy: “Do you mean, Billy Burke, that you brought two bums from the park and gave them my money?” (23:12). Billy reassures him of their honesty, but the situation quickly deteriorates when Albert and Clarence reveal they have hidden the money in plain sight, demanding a fee to disclose its location.

The Disappearance: A Costly Mistake

In the chaos that ensues, Daisy unknowingly removes the box of hats containing the hidden money to give to the ragman, resulting in the loss of the thousand-dollar bill. Colonel Fitz is devastated, exclaiming, “My thousand dollars is gone with it.” (27:45), leaving Billy and Daisy in a predicament as they realize the money is irretrievably lost.

Conclusion: Lessons in Trust and Caution

The episode concludes with Billy’s optimistic yet futile attempts to reassure Colonel Fitz. She declares, “I'll get the money back. I'll find it. I promise you I will.” (27:52), underscoring the themes of trust, responsibility, and the unforeseen consequences of well-intentioned decisions.

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Notable Quotes:

• Billy Burke (01:37): “We don’t have to do anything if we don’t want to. While Julius is away, we can have a real vacation.”

• Daisy (05:20): “That’s too much money for one hunk of paper. What are we gonna do with it?”

• Billy Burke (09:00): “Neither Daisy nor I want to know where the money is hidden. So we have to have someone outside the family hide it.”

• Billy Burke (10:52): “I don't want to know where you put it. That's why I brought you here.”

• Colonel Fitz (23:12): “Do you mean, Billy Burke, that you brought two bums from the park and gave them my money?”

• Billy Burke (27:52): “I'll get the money back. I'll find it. I promise you I will.”

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Conclusion

The Thousand Dollar Bill is a compelling narrative that weaves themes of trust, responsibility, and the unpredictability of human intentions. Through Billy Burke's well-meaning yet flawed decisions, listeners are reminded of the complexities inherent in safeguarding others' valuables and the importance of cautious judgment.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms Flyer today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com. ooh, fierce. This has been your Wayfarer style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Billy Burke]

Wayfair. Every style, Every home.

[Announcer]

Listerine toothpaste, that quick acting. Grand tasting Denifris with the fresh Minty Tang presents the Billy Burke Show. And here she is, our smiling, bright morning star, our misleading lady, Ms. Billy Burke.

[Billy Burke]

Good morning, everybody. Good morning.

[Announcer]

Now, let's look in at the little white house on Sunnyview Drive. It's a bright summer morning, and in the kitchen, Ms. Burke and Daisy are having breakfast. Brother Julius left last night on a business trip, so Ms. Burke and Daisy have the house all to themselves. Surely this is going to be a quiet and uneventful weekend. Or is it?

[Billy Burke]

Let's peek into the kitchen. Oh, and just think, Daisy, we don't have to do anything if we don't want to. While Julius is away, we can have a real vacation. I feel just like a cat out of the bag.

[Daisy]

It's gonna be mighty quiet around here without Mr. Julius.

[Billy Burke]

Yes, but won't it be n for a change? I mean, nothing happening. It would be such a relief from that constant palladium. Goodness. How long has it been since we enjoyed a leisurely breakfast like this?

[Daisy]

Oh, not since Mr. Judas was in bed with the measles.

[Billy Burke]

That's right, Daisy.

[Daisy]

More milk, miss? Milk?

[Billy Burke]

Yes, please, Daisy. Oh, dear, someone at the door. Come in. Who is it?

[Colonel Fitz]

Colonel Fitz, Billy all Colonel Fitz.

[Billy Burke]

Well, come in, Fitzy. We are in the kitchen.

[Colonel Fitz]

Good morning, Billy. Good morning, Daisy.

[Daisy]

Good morning, Colonel.

[Billy Burke]

Won't you have a bite of breakfast, Colonel?

[Colonel Fitz]

How could I refuse a lady as lovely as you, Billy?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, waffle batter. You're just hungry. Oh, incidentally, we are having waffles. Would you like one? Of course you would. Daisy, will you bring a Colonel Fitz? A nice crispy one with cinnamon.

[Daisy]

Two just coming off assembly line.

[Colonel Fitz]

They smell delicious.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, and they are so tender, you can cut them with a knife.

[Colonel Fitz]

Light as a sunbeam.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, my, Fitzy, you use the nicest words. I wish I had your vocabulary. Julia says I don't know an adjective from a preposterous. Of course I do. Really delicious waffles. It melt in the mouth light as a Sunbeam. Oh, I have a perfect idea. Daisy and I could go into business. We could call ourselves the Sunbeam Waffle Bakers. All we need is a little shop and.

[Daisy]

And what about the Opa.

[Billy Burke]

Well, we could open a shop there, too. All we need is a.

[Colonel Fitz]

Excuse me, Billy. I very nearly forgot. I came over to ask you a favor.

[Billy Burke]

A favor?

[Colonel Fitz]

Yes, Yes, I have $1,000 here in cash.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, my.

[Colonel Fitz]

Will you keep it for me until tomorrow morning?

[Billy Burke]

Keep it for $1,000 in money? Cash? In the barrel house?

[Colonel Fitz]

Yes, yes, right here. $1,000 bill, see?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, goodness.

[Colonel Fitz]

I'm going out of town overnight and I must be back here in the morning to complete a business deal. I'd rather not carry $1,000 with me. I don't want to leave it in the house while I'm gone either. Would you mind if I left it here with you?

[Billy Burke]

$1,000 all in that little piece of paper. Oh, goodness, but I. Certainly, you may leave it here if. I mean, do you want to trust us with it?

[Colonel Fitz]

I'd trust you with anything, Billy. You know that.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, really? Well, that's awfully sweet of you, but, dear me, that's an awful lot of money, isn't it?

[Colonel Fitz]

You aren't afraid to have it in the house, are you, Billy?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, heavens know that little piece of paper can't hurt anyone.

[Colonel Fitz]

Thank you so much. I'll feel a lot better knowing it's in safe hands.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes, naturally.

[Colonel Fitz]

And thank you for the waffle. I have to hurry downtown now. I'll see you first thing in the morning, Billy. Goodbye.

[Billy Burke]

Goodbye.

[Daisy]

Bye, Ms. Billy, is that a real thousand dollar bill?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, yes. Colonel Fitz left it here for us to take care of until tomorrow morning. Oh, look. Isn't it pretty? Here, Daisy, hold it.

[Daisy]

Not me. I don't want to touch it.

[Billy Burke]

Gracious, it won't bite.

[Daisy]

I know, but that's too much money for one hunk of paper. What are we gonna do with it?

[Billy Burke]

Well, just keep it for Colonel Fitz. We're just storing it for him like a charge account at the bank.

[Daisy]

You know, all day today and all night tonight.

[Billy Burke]

Mm.

[Daisy]

Ms. Billy, I don't like being on the same roof with that much money.

[Billy Burke]

But I don't understand, Daisy. No one knows we have it except us.

[Daisy]

That's what I mean. You and I are the only ones except Colonel Fitz who knows it's here. So if anything happens, we gonna be in trouble.

[Billy Burke]

I hadn't thought of it that way. Daisy. I know what we're going to do. I have the solution Right. In a nutshell. We'll take this thousand dollar bill and hide it. We'll hide it so nobody can find it.

[Daisy]

That's a good idea. But who's gonna hide it?

[Billy Burke]

Well, you hide it, then I won't know where it is.

[Daisy]

Yeah, but I'll know, and I don't want to. You hide it.

[Billy Burke]

Me, hide? But if I hide it, then I'll know. Goodness, I'm in such a state now. I don't trust anybody. Not even me?

[Daisy]

Well, one of us has got to know where it is if we go hide it.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, dear, how can we Wait. I know. Oh, gracious. It's so simple, Daisy.

[Daisy]

Well, what you gonna do?

[Billy Burke]

Why, the perfectly natural thing. I'll go out and get a perfect stranger to come in and hide it. And then neither of us will know where it is and won't have to worry about it.

[Daisy]

How was that again?

[Billy Burke]

Well, it's all solved. Daisy, you stay right here and guard the money. I'm going out and get a stranger. I'm going to get the strangest stranger I can find.

[Albert]

Here, pigeon. Here, pigeon, pigeon.

[Clarence]

You know, Albert, this is why I dislike sitting in the park. You spent our last five cents for those peanuts. Now you feed them to the pigeons. And we haven't eaten since yesterday.

[Albert]

It was my 5 cents. I earned it. Who picked up the man's hat for him? I did. Clarence, you spend your income and I'll spend mine.

[Clarence]

I'd have an income if it weren't for you. The lady who was sitting here on the bench laid her purse right beside me. I'm certain it contained at least $10.

[Albert]

Yes, you would have been caught taking it and the police would have thrown us in jail again. The trouble with you, Clarence, is you have no business sense. I swear you've forgotten everything that we learned at Harvard.

[Clarence]

I'm sorry, old man. Lend me your hairpin, will you? I think I see a good cigar.

[Albert]

I'll be so glad when you can afford a hairpin of your own. You're always borrowing mine.

[Clarence]

Oh, really? You've forgotten who found that piece of inner tube yesterday to put over the holes in our shoes. Who cut it in half and gave you the biggest piece?

[Colonel Fitz]

Yes.

[Albert]

Yes, that was really decent of you, Clarence. I had forgotten. What do you say we stroll down to the bakery and smell the cinnamon rolls?

[Billy Burke]

You.

[Clarence]

You have your dates mixed. Albert, this is the afternoon we sit in the ventilator at the Bijou Theater. They're showing an excellent picture.

[Albert]

Well, let's get along then, gentlemen.

[Billy Burke]

Wait.

[Albert]

Hold On, Clarence. We're being paged.

[Clarence]

Laney. She looks rather prosperous.

[Billy Burke]

Excuse me for buttering in. My name is Billy Burke. Would you gentlemen do me a favor?

[Albert]

Well, that all depends, madam.

[Clarence]

We were on our way to the theater.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, well, I'll pay you. I'll immerse you for your time. I'll give you each a dollar.

[Albert]

A dollar?

[Clarence]

What do you like this steal, I mean, what do you wish us to do?

[Billy Burke]

It's nothing at all. It will only take you a moment. I have a thousand dollar bill at my house and I'd like you to hide it for me.

[Clarence]

Hide? A thousand dollar bill?

[Billy Burke]

Yes, you know, like the game we used to play when we were children. Hide and Bo Peep.

[Albert]

Madam, are you intoxicated?

[Billy Burke]

Intoxicated? No. I'm an American. You. You see, neither Daisy or I want to know where the money is hidden. So we have to have someone outside the family hide it. Do I make myself clear?

[Albert]

Excuse us for a moment. Come here, Clarence.

[Clarence]

A thousand dollars. She wants us to hide it. Do you think she's all there?

[Albert]

I doubt it. But a dollar's a dollar, Albert.

[Clarence]

A thousand dollars.

[Albert]

Shall we try it?

[Clarence]

It looks like a gilt edged investment. What can we lose?

[Albert]

Ms. Byrd?

[Billy Burke]

Yes.

[Albert]

We have decided to accept the offer. I'm Albert and this is Clarence. You may consider us at your service.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, thank you. You're both very kind. Just come with me.

[Clarence]

There's one thing you aren't going to ask us for references?

[Billy Burke]

References? Oh, heavens, no. I can see that you are both honest men. If I say so myself, I'm a good judge of caricature.

[Announcer]

Well, Ms. Burke is taking no chances with a thousand dollar bill which Colonel Fitz left in her care. To be sure that neither Daisy nor she will know where it is. Ms. Burke has invited two strangers whom she found in the park to come to her house and hide the money. Daisy's out in the backyard hanging up clothes. And Ms. Burke is in the front room with the strangers, Albert and Clarence.

[Billy Burke]

Now, here is a thousand dollar bill. All you gentlemen have to do is to hide it somewhere in the house. Isn't that easy?

[Albert]

$1,000. Pretty, isn't it?

[Clarence]

Let me hold it. Albert. Hmm? Is that a phony?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, phony. No, no, no. The picture on it is of George Washington or Lincoln or somebody. I don't just know who. Now, you boys hu a nice place to hide it. And here is a dollar for each of you. One for you, Albert, and one for you, Clarence. Isn't this an easy way to make Money.

[Clarence]

Yes, it certainly is. It certainly is.

[Albert]

Uh, Clarence, I'll hold. A thousand dollars. Now, Ms. Burke, where do you suggest that we hide it?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, well, that's entirely up to you. I don't want to know where you put it. That's why I brought you here.

[Clarence]

Don't be stupid, Albert. You heard what Ms. Burke said. She wants us to hide it. Yes, Albert, the lady knows what she's doing. Why should she want to know where we put the thousand dollars? She has worries enough.

[Billy Burke]

That's right, Mr. Clarence. Hit the button right on the nail. You see, Daisy and I don't want to be responsible for all that money by knowing where it is. So I'll go out in the backyard where I can't peek, and you boys find a nice hiding place where the money will be absolutely safe.

[Colonel Fitz]

But.

[Albert]

But what if.

[Billy Burke]

No, no, no. I've paid you your dollars. You will have to put it away all by yourselves. Hurry now, hide, hide, hide.

[Clarence]

I'm going out with Stacy where she really went. Albert, we're wealthy men. Let's go.

[Albert]

Where?

[Clarence]

Where? Out, old man. Out to the ritz Waldorf. By 6:00 this evening, I intend to be having breakfast in bed.

[Albert]

We could live well, Clarence.

[Clarence]

Like kings. Albert, come along.

[Albert]

No, Vicanto, I can't do it. She trusted us.

[Clarence]

Albert, where is your business sense? A thousand dollars. Gad man, we can go to the Bijou Theater and sit in the loge.

[Albert]

No, no. I wouldn't feel right about it.

[Clarence]

You mean you intend to hide that money and leave it here?

[Albert]

I'm torn with temptation, but it's so easy, Albert.

[Clarence]

She'll never know we took it. We simply hid it well, that's all.

[Albert]

I don't think we should do it.

[Clarence]

I say we should. We're partners, aren't we?

[Albert]

I don't like it.

[Clarence]

Well, I do. It's a chance of a lifetime. She'll never know the difference.

[Albert]

But this is not the kind of a deal we can work that way, Clarence.

[Billy Burke]

After all, I brought them home with me and they're in the house now, hiding the money. You see, Daisy, there's always a way to do everything. If one just thinks about it long enough.

[Daisy]

I don't know. Somehow this idea don't sound right. Two strange men prowling around the house with all that cabbage.

[Billy Burke]

What cabbage?

[Daisy]

The money. Carl Fitz's money. And what I see of them men through the window. They don't look too good.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Daisy, they are fine men, both of them. Simply because their toes were sticking out of their shoes and they had patches on their trousers. Is no reason to distrust them. They're probably artists or musicians. Really. There are diamonds in the roughneck.

[Daisy]

Maybe so, but I still got a feeling there's something wrong with this idea. I don't know what it is, but it's something.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, you're just imagining things, Daisy. You. You got out of bed this morning on the wrong side of the road. I wonder if. Do you suppose Albert and Clarence have finished hiding? Albert? Clarence. Oh, Ollie. Ollie. Ollie. Olsen. Fray.

[Daisy]

Don't hear nothing.

[Billy Burke]

Well, they're probably. No. They've hidden the money. That's it. Let's go in and see. Oh, boy. Boy.

[Daisy]

Nobody in the house.

[Billy Burke]

Bless their heart. They've done it. Just. They did just what I asked them to do. They've hidden the thousand dollars and gone on their way. Just like the knight who folded his Arab and disappeared into the tent. My, I feel so much better. No more worrying about that. Oh, that horrid old thousand dollars.

[Daisy]

Yeah.

[Stiles MacKenzie]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Stiles Macken helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Billy Burke]

Wayfair. Every style, every home.

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[Daisy]

Only worry is now is where is it?

[Billy Burke]

That's the lovely part of it, Daisy. We don't know. Now if burglars come tonight and say, where is that money? We can say we don't know and we'll be telling the truth. I'm very proud of me let's see.

[Daisy]

If the burglars say, where's that money?

[Billy Burke]

We say, we don't know.

[Daisy]

And when Colonel Fitz come back and says, where's that money?

[Billy Burke]

We say, oh, good heavens. Oh, what do we say?

[Daisy]

I knew there was something going to go wrong, and this is it.

[Billy Burke]

Now. Now, wait, Daisy. I had this all planned out. Let me think, and we'll be telling the truth. I'm very proud of me.

[Daisy]

Let's see. If the burglars say, where's that money?

[Billy Burke]

We say, we don't know.

[Daisy]

And when Colonel Fitz come back and says, where's that money?

[Billy Burke]

We say, oh, good heavens. Oh, what do we say?

[Daisy]

I knew there was something going to go wrong, and this is it.

[Billy Burke]

Now. Now, wait, Daisy. I had this all planned out. Let me think. What were we going to do when Colonel Fitz came back?

[Daisy]

Ms. Billy, don't use that collective plural pronoun we. I don't want no stock in this company.

[Billy Burke]

Gracious, Daisy, when I planned all this, do you suppose I overlooked something?

[Daisy]

I would say there's just a possible certainty.

[Billy Burke]

Well, we're not going to be frightened. We've got to look at this problem in the cold light of doom.

[Daisy]

Yes.

[Billy Burke]

The money is hidden somewhere in the house. So when Colonel Fitz comes back, we'll simply hunt for it and find it there. Wasn't that easy, was it? Certainly. After all, there are only so many rooms in the house. And only so many places to hide anything.

[Daisy]

So many is right. You remember the time you hid Mr. Julius box of cigars when he was gonna stop smoking?

[Billy Burke]

Mm. Well, where did I hide that box?

[Daisy]

That's just what I mean. There was a box, and you hid it yourself, and we ain't found it yet. Well, now, how are we gonna find a little hunk of paper that somebody else hid?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, Daisy, sometimes you very depressing. Yes, and I know, but we're not. We're not going to be upset. The money is somewhere in the house. And if we begin to look for it right now, we'll surely find it before Colonel Fitz comes back. After all, he won't be here until tomorrow morning. Gracious. We have all evening. All night. Why, in that time we could find a needle in a hot foot.

[Daisy]

Or where did you hide Mr. Junius cigar box?

[Billy Burke]

When did I hide it? Last May. But that's different. Money is always easier to find than anything else. Oh, goodness. Let's not just stand here. Let's be up and doing. Let's look. Where do you suppose they put it?

[Daisy]

I don't know.

[Billy Burke]

Well, suppose your name was Clarence and Albert. Where would you put a thousand dollar bill?

[Daisy]

In my pocket.

[Billy Burke]

Daisy, you're no help at all. Goodness, help me. Try to sing. Concentrate.

[Daisy]

Well, I don't know where to start, Miss Billy, why don't you concentrate? Use that mental telepathy stuff.

[Billy Burke]

Well, that's an idea. I'll close my eyes and make my mind a blank. A total blank. Then the first thing that comes into my head will be the place where they hid the money. Now I'm going to concentrate. Hush, Daisy.

[Daisy]

See anything?

[Billy Burke]

No. No, it doesn't work. All I can see is a shrimp salad. Well, we'll simply have to start looking. Do you suppose they put it under the rug?

[Daisy]

Ain't nothing there.

[Billy Burke]

No, just a. Just a couple of Robert pins. Look behind the pillow on the sofa. Anything there?

[Daisy]

Two pennies and a gum wrapper. We ain't never gonna find that bill.

[Billy Burke]

Daisy, you mustn't accentuate the negative. We have to find it. There are no ifs or andrews about it. I wonder if they did hide it in the close oh cla Closet. You suppose I could have put it there?

[Daisy]

You see anything?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, goodness, no. No. Oh, here's this box of old hats of mine that was supposed to go out for the ragman today. Will you take it out, please, Daisy? Oh, good heavens. Who's that? Peek through the window, Daisy.

[Daisy]

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Billy. I'm getting this box of hats out and back to the ragman.

[Billy Burke]

Yes, but who's at the door?

[Daisy]

Colonel Fitz. Goodbye, Colonel. Talent.

[Billy Burke]

Ho. Oh, Daisy. Daisy, dear. She always goes away someplace. Oh, dear. Oh. Oh, hello, Fitzy. How nice to see you.

[Colonel Fitz]

Hello, my pretty girl. My plans changed at the last minute. Luckily, I don't have to leave town tonight.

[Billy Burke]

You don't?

[Colonel Fitz]

No. I received a wire from the chap on this business deal. He's coming through here this evening, so we'll settle the matter right here. Aren't you glad I'm not going?

[Billy Burke]

What? Oh, yes. Glad you're not, of course. Yes. I'm devastated.

[Colonel Fitz]

You look worried, Billy girl. Well, you see, I'm glad it turned out this way. I've been thinking about that thousand dollars you and Daisy loan here in the house. Oh, too much money. Dangerous. Should have thought about that in the beginning. Well, aren't you going to invite me in?

[Billy Burke]

Invite you in? Oh, yes, I suppose so. That is, yes. Do. Do. Come in. Come in.

[Colonel Fitz]

There you go. I shouldn't have taken advantage of your kindness, Billy, asking you to keep that money. I'll take it now. You won't have to worry about it.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, do you. Do you think you should carry it with you? After all, there are so many hold uppers, you know.

[Colonel Fitz]

Oh, I'd take it right home, just across the street. Well, go give it a thought. I wouldn't let anything happen to that thousand dollars.

[Billy Burke]

No.

[Colonel Fitz]

That's why I left it here with you. I knew it would be safe.

[Billy Burke]

Yes.

[Colonel Fitz]

You see, I trust you, Billy.

[Billy Burke]

Yes.

[Colonel Fitz]

I'd trust you with anything I have. How does that make you feel?

[Billy Burke]

You. You have no idea.

[Colonel Fitz]

Well, I won't keep you, Billy. Just give me the money and I'll go along.

[Billy Burke]

Yes, well, you see, I am.

[Colonel Fitz]

Nothing's happened.

[Billy Burke]

Happened? Well. Well, yes and no.

[Colonel Fitz]

Yes and no.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, all the thousand dollars is all right. It's perfectly safe.

[Colonel Fitz]

Oh, give me a bad turn there for a moment.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, did I? Yes, yes, the money is safe. It's in the house somewhere.

[Colonel Fitz]

Somewhere? Where?

[Billy Burke]

Well, I'm not quite sure yet.

[Colonel Fitz]

Billy, you haven't lost my thousand dollars?

[Billy Burke]

Oh, no, no, no. It's here. We just have to find it. It'll be sort of fun, like looking for Easter eggs.

[Colonel Fitz]

Then you have lost it. But where? How did you do it?

[Billy Burke]

I didn't do it. You see. Well, Daisy and I didn't trust ourselves. We didn't want to know where it was. So I went out and got Clarence and Albert and they hid it for me.

[Colonel Fitz]

Clarence and Albert? Who are they?

[Billy Burke]

They're men, obviously.

[Colonel Fitz]

Well, but who are they? Where are they?

[Billy Burke]

I don't know. We didn't get very well acquainted. I found them in the park and they hid the money and went away.

[Colonel Fitz]

Do you mean, Billy Burke, that you brought two. Two bums from the park and gave them my money?

[Billy Burke]

They weren't bums. They were very nice and so eager to help me.

[Colonel Fitz]

Oh, a thousand dollars. Where are they?

[Billy Burke]

I don't know. We didn't get very well acquainted. I found them in the park and they hid the money and went away.

[Colonel Fitz]

Do you mean, Billy Burke, that you brought two. Two bums from the park and gave them my money?

[Billy Burke]

They weren't bums. They were very nice and so eager to help me.

[Colonel Fitz]

Oh, a thousand dollars.

[Billy Burke]

Gone. It isn't gone. They hid it here in the house. They told me they would.

[Colonel Fitz]

And you believed them? You threw my thousand dollars right out the window.

[Billy Burke]

Well, how can you say that? I wouldn't throw anything out of the window. Heavens. You don't think Clarence and Albert stole it?

[Clarence]

Think?

[Colonel Fitz]

I know.

[Billy Burke]

But if they were going to steal it, they would have Told me they. They didn't, Fitzie. I'm sure they didn't.

[Colonel Fitz]

I'll bet you $100 they did. A hundred dollars?

[Billy Burke]

Well, they'd feel badly if they heard you say that, Fitzie. Really they would. They're sweet boys, both of them. I'll just bet you a hundred dollars they didn't steal it. All we have to do is look through the house wheel. We'll find it. I know we will.

[Colonel Fitz]

Then let's start looking. Where shall we begin?

[Billy Burke]

Well, we'll start at the attic and go right down to the cellar. We'll search every nook and rooney.

[Clarence]

Step back in the shadows, old man. Now, you admit we made a mistake leaving that money. And you've agreed we'll enter the house and retrieve it. Stealthily, of course.

[Albert]

You're a reckless businessman, Albert. I'm not entirely certain that stealing the money is a good financial risk.

[Clarence]

Come, come, Albert, we must plunge.

[Albert]

No, no, I have a better plan. And based on sound business practice. If they haven't found the thousand dollar bill, I see a way in which we may turn a neat profit honestly.

[Clarence]

But not a thousand dollars.

[Albert]

Clarence, Money isn't everything. Live and let live. Besides, I still have 35 cents from my original.

[Clarence]

Why brag? Remember, Albert, you can't take it with you. What's your plan?

[Albert]

Come with me. We'll announce ourselves at the door.

[Billy Burke]

Oh. Oh, how do you do? Oh, it's Albert. Oh, Colonel.

[Daisy]

Fitz, look.

[Billy Burke]

They've returned. Clarence and Albert.

[Colonel Fitz]

See here. Are you the two ragamuffins who stole my money?

[Albert]

I beg your pardon? I resent the inference, sir.

[Billy Burke]

Yes. You see, Fitzie, they are gentlemen, both of them.

[Colonel Fitz]

Answer one question. Did you or did you not hide a thousand dollar bill in this house?

[Albert]

The answer, sir, is we did. Have you found it?

[Colonel Fitz]

No.

[Billy Burke]

You see, I told you. I told you. Oh, you lose your bet, Fitzy. Clarence and Albert are men of high calico. But Albert, where. Where did you hide it?

[Albert]

Oh, I. I regret, Ms. Burke, that I must ask a price for that information. It's business, you know.

[Billy Burke]

Business. Oh, yes. $100.

[Clarence]

I refuse, I refuse.

[Albert]

My business partner is a little hot headed. We accept the offer, Ms. Burke. Oh, we place the thousand dollar bill in the lining of a lady's hat. A red one. In a box of hats in the hall closet.

[Colonel Fitz]

I wouldn't have believed.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, they're honest men. As honest as the day is done. Pay the boy my hundred dollars, Fitzie, please.

[Colonel Fitz]

Why, it's robbery. Hundred dollars. Here.

[Albert]

Thank you. And thank you, Ms. Burke, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, thank you.

[Albert]

Now, if you'll excuse us, we must run along. We're late for the theater. Cheerio.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, cheerio, Albert and Clarence. Cheerio.

[Clarence]

Tramps.

[Colonel Fitz]

Bum.

[Billy Burke]

Now, now, now, Fitzy. It all turned out just as I told you it would.

[Colonel Fitz]

Where's the closet? Let's find that hat.

[Billy Burke]

The hat? Oh, the hat. Oh, Daisy.

[Daisy]

Yes'm. Daisy, did you.

[Billy Burke]

Did you take the box out?

[Daisy]

Yes'm.

[Billy Burke]

Did the ragman pick it up?

[Daisy]

Yassam.

[Colonel Fitz]

Billy, don't tell me that box of hats is gone.

[Billy Burke]

Gracious. Isn't that the silliest thing to have happened?

[Colonel Fitz]

Silly, my thousand dollars is gone with it.

[Billy Burke]

Don't fluster yourself, Fitzy. I'll get the money back. I'll find it. I promise you I will.

[Colonel Fitz]

But the hats have gone to the ragman.

[Billy Burke]

It doesn't make any difference. We'll find it.

[Colonel Fitz]

You'll never find it. In this town, one hat's just like another. A hap sahap.

[Billy Burke]

Oh, not my hat, Switzy. I'll find the one with the money in it and we'll recognize it immediate. Why, when I wore it, they said it looked like the atomic bomb over bikini. Goodbye, Mr. Bella. Goodbye, everybody. Till next Saturday. And remember to always look for the silver lining and try to find the sunny side of life.

[Announcer]

The Billy Burke show is directed by Dave Titus. Today's story was written by Paul West. Part of Daisy is played by Lillian Randolph. Today, Albert and Clarence were George Neese and Ken Christie. Music is under the direction of Carl Bonowitz. Tune in again next Saturday when the makers of Listerine Toothpaste again present the Billy Burke show for the best in Saturday Listening. Don't miss. Let's pretend the Billy Burke show and Armstrong's Theater of Today.

[Colonel Fitz]

This is Colonel Fitz speaking, or if.

[Announcer]

You prefer, your announcer, Marvin Miller. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Stiles MacKenzie]

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[Billy Burke]

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