Blondie 43-04-12 (185) Blondie's Trouble Arrives C.O.D.

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Blondie 43-04-12 (185) "Blondie's Trouble Arrives C.O.D."

Harold's Old Time Radio – September 30, 2025

Main Theme:
A classic comedic hijinks episode, this "Blondie" broadcast revolves around Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead’s misadventures after receiving a mysterious C.O.D. (Cash on Delivery) package—a bridge table intended for a neighbor. The couple’s attempts to return it spiral into absurdity, poking fun at bureaucracy, neighborly unhelpfulness, and the quirks of mid-century American life.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Breakdown

1. Setting the Stage: The Daily Bumstead Routine (00:02–01:55)

• Opening Narrative: Introduction by Ken Niles, setting the scene of a bright morning at the Bumstead household. Dagwood and Blondie plan some shopping once Alexander ("Baby Dumpling") leaves for school.
• Quote:

  "Well, it's a nice, bright morning, and today Blondie and Dagwood have planned to do a little shopping just as soon as they get Alexander off to school." — Announcer Ken Niles [00:32]

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2. The Package Arrives (01:55–04:40)

• Alexander’s Library Book: Alexander tries to weasel out of returning an overdue library book—since Christmas!
• The Mysterious C.O.D.: A delivery man presents Blondie and Dagwood with a large, misdelivered C.O.D. package for $3.98.
  • Delivery banter about slow deliveries and fumbling for change.
  • Comedic suspicion about a counterfeit 50-cent piece.
• Quote:

  "We need $2.48. I prefer it in real money." — Delivery Man [03:42]

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3. A Bridge Too Far: The Mix-Up Emerges (04:40–08:21)

• Discovering the Error:
  • Dagwood and Blondie realize the package is a complicated bridge table meant for "Mrs. J. Randolph Plush," not them.
  • They decide to deliver it themselves and recover their money from Mrs. Plush.
• Mrs. Plush’s Indifference:
  • Mrs. Plush, after a humorous explanation about cheating at bridge, refuses to pay, declaring she doesn't want it anymore as it doesn't match her décor—or her "cocktail toothpaste."
  • She tries to fob the table (and a counterfeit quarter) back onto the Bumsteads.
• Quote:

  "Surely you don't expect me to buy something I don't want to." — Mrs. Plush [07:23]

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4. Dealing with the Delivery Man’s Stonewall (08:21–11:29)

• Attempting a Return:
  • Dagwood and Blondie try to hand back the table and recoup their money from the delivery man.
  • The delivery man lists a ludicrous series of bureaucratic hoops: filling out multiple forms, providing references, showing a birth certificate and Social Security card, and finally, meeting with "Mr. Grapple"—all just to initiate a refund.
  • Satirical take on institutionalized inefficiency.
• Quote:

  "You accepted a COD which wasn't for you in the second place. So, you shouldn't have paid me for it in the third place or unwrapped it in the fourth place..." — Delivery Man [09:03]
  "All in all, I'd say you get your refund shortly after the duration. Provided that during the duration, we don't go into bankruptcy." — Delivery Man [10:50]

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5. The Bus Fiasco (11:29–16:14)

• Taking the Table on the Bus:
  • The crowded bus, made worse by the awkward bridge table, draws the ire of the conductor, leading to comedic chaos as the table’s legs accidentally spring open and jam into the bus.
  • A farcical scuffle to collapse the table ensues, with the conductor (eventually, somehow) demonstrating the correct method but refusing to explain.
• Quote:

  "Now, lady, don't turn those beautiful blue blinkers of yours on me and expect me to fall flat on my face." — Bus Conductor [13:50]

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6. Arriving at Ormandy's — More Red Tape (19:04–22:27)

• Reaching Customer Service:
  • At Ormandy’s Department Store, Dagwood and Blondie encounter the indifferent and self-important Mr. Periwinkle, who informs them that it's not his problem—they need the complaint window.
  • The man at the complaint window turns out to be the same fellow, who immediately announces it’s his lunch break and leaves.
• Quote:

  "You see, I'm married to Mr. Ormandy's niece." — Mr. Periwinkle [20:54]

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7. Selling the Table—Or Not (22:32–26:41)

• Furniture Department:
  • Dagwood, desperate, tries to sell the bridge table to a man (store detective) browsing the showroom.
  • The man pretends to show interest, lets Dagwood "sell" him the table for $3.98, then promptly reveals himself as the store detective and threatens to arrest Dagwood for "selling store property."
• Quote:

  "You're under arrest for selling an article belonging to the store. Now, come along with me." — Store Detective [24:49]

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8. A Final Denial—and Resignation (26:41–28:41)

• No Refund, No Exchange:
  • The detective, after hearing the couple’s story, refuses a refund for the now "banged-up" table, revealing it was bought at a special sale: "No refunds or exchanges."
  • Joke about everyone facing this man who’s “married to Mr. Ormandy’s niece.”
  • Blondie and Dagwood return home, exhausted but resigned to keeping the ill-fated table.
  • Final gag: Dagwood tries to stand on the bridge table, in imitation of the advertising photo, and a mishap ensues.
• Quote:

  "In a few words, folks, from where you're standing, there's an eight ball directly in front of you. You gotta keep the table." — Store Detective [27:11]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Alexander’s Overdue Book

  "Oh, just since Christmas." — Alexander [01:29]

• Delivery Man's Sarcasm:

  "Just poke the bill in my pocket and drop the change in my hat." — Delivery Man [03:09]

• Mrs. Plush’s “Bridge Cheating”

  "That's because of the won... No, that would be cheating..." — Mrs. Plush [05:55–06:02]

• Red Tape Satire:

  "You also need two letters of reference. One from your bank and one from your draft ball... get the whole thing notarized..." — Delivery Man [10:16]

• Store Detective's Deadpan:

  "I'm the head of the store detectives." — Store Detective [24:44]

• Blondie’s Exasperation:

  "Oh, Dagwood, I've never been so glad to get home in all my life. I'm nearly ready to collapse." — Blondie [27:14]

• Final Gag:

  "I think I'll try it—hey, hey... this is all right... Holy smoke!" (Table collapses under Dagwood) — Dagwood [28:12–28:27]

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Timeline of Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 00:02 | Introduction and setting the scene | | 01:25 | Alexander and the overdue library book | | 02:00 | Delivery of the C.O.D. package | | 04:08 | Discovery of bridge table's intended recipient | | 05:17 | Mrs. Plush's explanation and refusal | | 08:28 | Confrontation with delivery man, red tape satire | | 11:57 | Trouble boarding the bus with the table | | 19:21 | Arrival at Ormandy's adjustment counter | | 22:32 | Attempt to return table at complaint window | | 23:11 | Dagwood tries to "sell" table to detective | | 24:44 | Dagwood's arrest by store detective | | 26:58 | No refund, no exchange—final resignation | | 27:35 | Home again; final bridge table gag | | 28:41 | Episode concludes |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Light, Zany, and Satirical: True to "Blondie," the tone is breezy and tongue-in-cheek. Characters speak in rapid-fire comic banter, with exaggerated bureaucratic and social obstacles.
• Classic Radio Comedy: Emphasizes slapstick (even in purely audio form), neighborly quirks, mischievous children, and daggers-tinged-with-sarcasm bureaucracy.

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Conclusion

This episode embodies the warm, madcap humor of "Blondie" during radio's golden age, with a simple premise amplified by a cascade of absurdities and red tape. Listeners are treated to witty repartee, familiar domestic foibles, and a good-natured skewering of both officialdom and neighborly "help."
For those seeking a dose of classic Americana comedy—or insight into the stylings of mid-century radio—this episode serves as a delightful time capsule.

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Transcript

[A]

It's the Frontline Theater today presenting erotic in comedy right out of your favorite comic strip, Chick Young's famous Blondie. And is our special guest, Jerry Wald and his orchestra. This is Ken Niles welcoming you once again to the Frontline Theater. Brought to you, men in the armed forces of the United nations, by the Special Service Division of the War Department. This is your theater and every performance in it is presented especially for you, the men fighting with the United nations on freedom's front line. It's a zany comedy today. The title, please. Not C O D. The leading characters. Well, you've laughed at them if you've read the comic pages anywhere from Seattle to Miami. Dagwood Bumstead, who spends his life inventing big sandwiches and knocking down mailman. Pretty patient Blondie and Baby Dumpling, who has grown into Alexander Bumstead. Well, it's a nice, bright morning, and today Blondie and Dagwood have planned to do a little shopping just as soon as they get Alexander off to school.

[B]

Say, Pop, do I have to take.

[C]

This book back to the library today?

[B]

Well, is it overdue?

[C]

Not much.

[B]

Hmm. About how much overdue is it? Oh, just since Christmas.

[C]

It's your own fault, Alexander. I reminded you several times to take that book back.

[B]

Yeah. Look, Alexander, you sneak back with it today. See? Excellent. And if they catch you, tell him to send your father a bill on the first.

[C]

Okay, Pop. Now hurry, dear. You'll be late for school. I'm going right now, Mommy. Goodbye. Bye.

[B]

Bye.

[C]

See you after school. Oh, dear. Someone's at the front door, Dagwood.

[B]

I'll get it, honey.

[D]

Good morning, sir.

[E]

Cod from Ormandy's Department Store. $398.

[B]

Whoa, blondie.

[E]

Oh, wait a minute. What am I saying? $3.98.

[C]

That's better.

[B]

It's a lot cheaper, too. What is it, Blondie? Huh?

[C]

I don't know. Mine. It's a big package. What do you suppose it could be?

[E]

Don't ask me, madam. I'm only supposed to deliver. It's against the rules to peak. I can tell you one thing, though. It doesn't rattle and it doesn't gurgle.

[C]

Well, I guess it's something I ordered a long time ago. Deliveries are pretty slow these days.

[E]

Very true, very true. But we digress. Let's get back to the financial end of this. 3.98, please.

[C]

Oh, yes, Dagwood, have you got your money with you, dear?

[D]

Let's see.

[B]

Well, I could give you a couple of dollars, I think, Blondie.

[C]

Well, I guess I've got the rest. Excuse me.

[B]

Uh. Oh.

[E]

Well, here comes a 10 minute wait. I've seen women rummage through their handbags before. Do you mind if I slouch against your door?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh. Oh, no, go right ahead.

[E]

Thanks.

[B]

Let's see. Here's a dollar bill and a dollar and change.

[E]

Just poke the bill in my pocket and drop the change in my hat.

[B]

Okay. There.

[C]

Well, now, here we are. Just a minute now and. Oh, Deadwood, here's that silver pin I've been looking all over for. Oh, y.

[E]

Take your time, lady. I've only got four or five hundred other packages to deliver. Hey, buster, where'd you get this 50 cent piece?

[C]

What?

[E]

See how it sounds? Did you make it yourself.

[B]

Blondie? You'd better find 50 cents more.

[E]

We need $2.48. I prefer it in real money.

[C]

Well, now, here. Here's $2 in bills and. Oh, my, my other lips. I wondered what had happened to it.

[E]

I could have told you if you'd asked me.

[C]

Well, now, here you. Here's the 48 cents.

[E]

Well, thank you. And here's your package.

[B]

Goodbye.

[C]

Goodbye. Well, Dagwood, let's see what it is.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Gee.

[B]

Gee, it looks like some kind of a bridge table.

[C]

It is a bridge table. And a complicated one, too. Yeah, Levers and springs and buttons and things. Well, I didn't order this.

[B]

You didn't?

[C]

No.

[B]

My. Where's the address slip?

[C]

Well, there it is, dear. Let's see.

[B]

It's a dress.

[C]

Mrs. J. Randolph Plush. Well, Dagwood, I think she lives about five or six blocks from here. It's not for us at all.

[B]

Oh, he smoking? Just a second. Hey, delivery man.

[C]

Hey, hey.

[D]

Hi, Mr.

[C]

Plush. Hey, wait a minute.

[B]

Oh, there he goes.

[C]

Oh, well, never mind, Dagwood. On our way to the bus, we can stop at Mrs. Plush's and deliver the table and collect from her knock.

[B]

Again, backward. Okay. Nothing today. Thank you.

[C]

Goodbye. Well, that was a short conversation.

[B]

That wasn't a conversation. That was a synopsis. Now, see here, my good man.

[C]

Just a minute. Mrs. Plash, didn't you order a bridge table sent cod from Ormondy's department store?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Are you the delivery girl?

[C]

No, no, it was delivered to us by mistake.

[B]

Yeah, we brought it along for you on our way to the bus. Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

[C]

Well, goodbye.

[B]

Goodbye. Well, wait a minute. That's $3.98, cash. Oh. Oh, well, you see, I gave a bridge party for my club yesterday and I needed this table then. But Everything went off beautifully without it. I won the first prize myself, of course. I always do.

[D]

That's because of the won.

[B]

My partner and I have invented that marked card, Stinky. Oh, no. Oh, no. That would be cheating.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

You see, when I pick up my hand and look at them, if they're not good, I say, partner, I believe I have 14 cards. That's a signal to my partner. Now, if she has a good hand, she says, count your cards again. But if she has a bad hand, too, she says, I only have 12 cards. And we both throw our hands into the middle of the table and call it a miss. Deal.

[C]

Clever, isn't you? Must have had a nice, friendly bridge game.

[B]

Does anyone ever get crippled? Oh, no, no, not yet.

[C]

Now, about this bridge table.

[B]

Yes, $3.98, please. Oh, yes, the bridge table. The bridge table. It was so cute of you to bring it over. But I don't want it anymore. Well, you see, it's the wrong color. It wouldn't match my cocktail toothpaste. Yeah, I guess so.

[C]

Well, if you'll just give us the money we gave the delivery man for it, we'll leave the table with you and you can send it back. Oh, but I don't want it.

[B]

Oh, but neither do we. Well, I was going to send it back after the party anyway.

[C]

Oh, but we paid for it.

[B]

Oh, how tragic. Oh, I'm so sorry for you. You have my sympathy. We'd rather have you $3.98. My dear man, surely you don't expect me to buy something I don't want to.

[D]

You.

[B]

Besides, it's one of those complicated tables where you press a button and the legs fly out. No, I'll let you keep it.

[C]

Mrs.

[D]

Plush.

[C]

We don't want it.

[B]

I don't blame you, dear. But you can always use an extra bridge table. I always say.

[C]

Well, this is rather embarrassing.

[B]

I'm not embarrassed. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness.

[C]

Goodbye.

[B]

Hey, wait a minute. You can't do this to us. It's not fair, Blondie. She's taking advantage of our sweet disposition.

[C]

The idea.

[B]

I'd like to get my hands around her neck. Oh, hello again. Well, here you are. Here's a quarter for your trouble. Oh, thank you. What does she think I am, a bellboy?

[C]

Don't take it, Dagwood. Just leave it on the step.

[B]

Okay, I'll eat that quartered. Hey, it's counterfeit. I might have known it.

[C]

Oh, Dagwood, look. There's the delivery man across the. Let's give the Table back to him quick.

[B]

Oh, it is. Hey, come on.

[C]

Hey, delivery man. Hey, delivery man. Hey, wait a minute. Don't go away.

[B]

Hello, folks.

[A]

Well, well.

[E]

So it was a bridge table.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Now, if we can only dig up a fourth somewhere.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Now, you delivered this to us by mistake. It was supposed to go to Mrs. J. Randolph's. Plush, she's the lady. I mean, she's the woman in that house right there.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Here.

[B]

Now, you just give us our money back and you can deliver it to Mrs. Plush.

[E]

Sorry, folks, but the matter is entirely out of my hands now.

[C]

Oh, but it's really very simple.

[E]

Not anymore it isn't.

[C]

Well, what's so difficult about it?

[E]

Well, in the first place, you accepted a COD which wasn't for you in the second place. So you shouldn't have paid me for it in the third place or unwrapped it in the fourth place. And besides, in the fifth place, I'm not allowed to return money in the first place.

[B]

Yeah, but don't you think.

[E]

Besides, Mrs. Plush would probably send it back anyway. And I'd have to explain how it happened that one item was sent back by two different people.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but don't you think a.

[E]

Thing like this would be a snap for a sloppy delivery company? But with us, it would take weeks. We're too efficient.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, now, now, wait a minute. You could return the table for us without giving us our money back, now, couldn't you?

[E]

Well, yes, I could.

[B]

It's fine. Take it.

[E]

First you have to fill out three blanks. A, our COD form, B, our application for a refund, and C, our wrong delivery blank, all in triplicate. That is, if you can get a priority on carbon paper.

[C]

You mean we'd have to fill out all those? That's ridiculous.

[E]

Oh, no, not yet. The ridiculous part comes later. You also have to show your birth certificate, Social Security card.

[C]

I haven't got a Social Security card.

[E]

We'll wait while you get one. You also need two letters of reference. One from your bank and one from your draft ball. Now, both letters have to be enthusiastic. Then you get the whole thing notarized and send it in. It takes about three hours for these preliminaries.

[B]

Preliminaries? Is there any more?

[E]

Oh, sure. Then our Mr. Grapple comes to see you in two or three weeks.

[B]

Yeah. What does Mr. Grapple do, huh?

[E]

He's not very helpful.

[C]

Oh, he isn't, eh?

[B]

No.

[E]

He's got more forms for you to fill out.

[B]

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised.

[E]

All in All I'd say you get your refund shortly after the duration. Provided that during the duration we don't go into bankruptcy.

[C]

I think that's an awful way to run a business.

[E]

Ain't it, though?

[B]

This is an outrage. Come on, give me that bridge table back.

[E]

Yes, sir.

[F]

Here you are.

[B]

There.

[C]

Well, I shouldn't think that anyone would ever send anything back if you have to go through all that red tape.

[E]

That's what the company figures. We discourage refunds. Any more questions?

[B]

No, no, we've heard enough.

[E]

Thank you. I'm glad to have been of service to you.

[C]

You've been very helpful.

[E]

Thank you. Oh, and the same to you.

[D]

Goodbye.

[C]

Well, I guess we'll just have to get on the bus and take it back to Ormond Ease ourselves.

[B]

Yeah, but how are we going to sneak this big table on the bus?

[D]

All right, now, step back to the rear of the booth, please. Step back to the rear. Come on now, folks, you thinking I'm yelling me head off just to wear up me tongue? Step back to the rear of the bush police.

[C]

Wouldn't you know the bus would be crowded?

[B]

Yeah, but we're the ones who are crowding it. Oh, this bridge table is sort of awkward, Blondie. I wish I could hide it in my pocket or something.

[C]

Well, we can't help it, dear.

[E]

No.

[D]

Now, folksies, I. I'm awfully sorry there ain't any seats. And I want to apologize on behalf of I and the Bush company. But if you don't move back, I'm going to lose my temperance for your years. Uh.

[C]

Oh, Dagwood.

[B]

Yeah, this doesn't look so good for us, blondie.

[D]

Well, why ain't anybody moving? Oh, dear, are you deep? Do I have to strain mitant some more? Yeah, okay, okay, I'll just stop the bush. Well, I hope I didn't injure no one permanent. Now, now, let's see who's responsible for our little difficulty here.

[B]

Uh. Oh, here he comes.

[D]

One side now. Come on, one side, please. Let me through now. Let me through, folks. I'm going to find out who's doing this to me bush.

[C]

Well, well, well, now, hello.

[D]

Ah, so you're a little bottlenecker. What do you got to say?

[B]

This is a nice bus.

[C]

Good morning, Mr. Conductor.

[D]

Just. Just a bridge table, eh?

[B]

Yeah, a little bridge table.

[D]

Oh, now imagine a little thing like that causing any congestion.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You see, we had to take it downtown and we were sure you wouldn't mind if we.

[D]

Now, lady, don't turn those beautiful blue blinkers of yours on me and expect me to fall flat on my face.

[C]

Oh, I wasn't doing anything of the kind.

[B]

Well, look, Mr. Conductor, it isn't a very big bridge table. We're just going to Ormandy's department store.

[D]

Ah, not on this. But you're not. No, siree. Now, you pick up this bridge table and get off. And don't give me no arguments.

[C]

Get off.

[B]

Wait a minute. I want our money back.

[D]

Oh, you do, do you?

[B]

On second thought, I wouldn't think of accepting it.

[C]

Come on, dad.

[D]

Come on, come on, come on. Keep going. Keep going. We're hot Enough traffic.

[B]

Holy smoke.

[D]

Now. Now what's happened?

[B]

Yeah, I must have pressed the button that makes the legs fly out.

[D]

Well, I can play back in again.

[B]

I don't think I know how to do it.

[D]

Oh, glory to.

[B]

If I didn't just find the little thing. Oh, excuse me, ladies. Blondie, do you know how to do this?

[C]

I haven't the faintest idea.

[D]

Dad, look here. Look here. Half of the table is in my seat.

[G]

Progressive knows we all crave validation.

[B]

Girl, you are not 37.

[A]

I would have guessed 27.

[C]

You guys are too sweet.

[B]

Sure. Dewy skin.

[D]

Terrific.

[B]

Is something wrong, Ned? Why would you ask? Just because Today marks my 10th anniversary without a car accident or even a speeding ticket. But somehow tonight's all about your skin care.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

With snapshot from Progressive, you can get a personalized rate based on how you drive. And that's all the validation you need. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliate snapshot not available in California from all agents. Surcharge possible for unseat driving, and one.

[D]

Of the legs is through the steering wheel.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Now I can't drive the bush. Can you get that thing out of the way? Here, here, let me at that.

[C]

Careful, Mike.

[D]

Stop.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

Hey. Stop that. We've got to return that table.

[D]

Who cares about that?

[B]

Ah. There.

[D]

Now I done it. Little legs folded up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Say, how did you do that?

[E]

I ain't telling.

[D]

Now get off of this bus.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[D]

And here's your table.

[C]

Be careful now. I will. Come on.

[D]

Come on, honey. You idiot.

[B]

It's not my fault.

[D]

I can't help the things I. On my foot.

[C]

Stop.

[D]

Hong. Now you. You get out of this bush and walk. Almondy. Goodbye.

[C]

Oh, Dewood.

[B]

Oh, blinding.

[A]

The curtain falls on the first act of Please not cod. The Frontline theater edition of one of your favorite comic strips, Blondie. During intermission, one of America's eight bands, Jerry Wald and his orchestra, play a special Frontline Theater arrangement of I'm coming, Virginia.

[C]

It's Sari Walsh.

[A]

And now, the second act of today's comedy. Please, not cod. A Blondie story, especially for you. Well, it's somewhat later, and Blondie and Dagwood, a bit footsore and weary, have finally arrived at Ormandy's department store with a bridge table. They are just approaching the adjustment counter.

[C]

Mr. Periwinkle. Mr. Periwinkle. Well, here it is right here, Dagworth.

[B]

Oh, boy, and what a relief it'll be to get this table off my hands. It's suddenly gotten a lot heavier, Blondie.

[C]

I guess that man over there is the one we talked to.

[B]

Where?

[C]

The man polishing his nails on his lapel. See him?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'll see if I can get his attention here. Ahem.

[C]

Language. He's pretending he doesn't see us.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He'S watching us out of the corner of his eye.

[A]

Hey, were you coughing for me?

[C]

May we disturb you a moment?

[A]

Apparently, yes.

[B]

Well, we would like to return this bridge table. Mm.

[A]

All through using it, eh?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, no, we haven't used it at all. It was the cod sent to us by mistake. We'd like our money back.

[B]

Yeah. $3.98. Just count it right out in my hand. Thank.

[C]

Ah, there.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Well, aren't you going to do anything about it?

[A]

I'm trying to decide.

[D]

Lovely day.

[C]

Are we disturbing your sleep?

[A]

No, no, no, no. I'm not paying any attention to you. Really.

[C]

I don't see how you hold your job here.

[A]

You see, I'm married to Mr. Ormandy's niece.

[B]

Please give us the 398 and you can go back to sleep. Thank you.

[A]

Well, it all sounds very complicated.

[E]

Really.

[B]

If you don't give us a little action, I'm going to raise the loudest holler you ever heard.

[A]

About how loud is that?

[B]

About how loud? You want to hear me holler? You do, huh?

[C]

Help.

[B]

I'm being robbed in harmony.

[C]

Help.

[B]

I'm being robbed.

[E]

Wait, wait, wait.

[D]

Not too loud, please.

[C]

Now, will you take care of it?

[B]

Yeah, I'm all ready to let it go again.

[A]

No, no, no, Please, please don't yell like that. I won't be able to take another nap this afternoon.

[C]

Do we get our money back?

[A]

Well, fortunately for me, madam, you've come to the wrong place. You should be at the complaint window.

[C]

Oh, where's that?

[A]

Oh, the next window right there.

[B]

Okay, thanks very much.

[A]

Not at all, not at all.

[C]

Oh, yes, there it is. Dagw.

[B]

Wait. I'll put the table Down. Is anyone back of the window?

[C]

Not yet, dear, but I think someone's coming.

[B]

So it's you again.

[A]

May I help you, son?

[C]

Now, see here, we've had enough of this fooling around. You know what our problem is and what we want.

[A]

Well, that was when I was at the adjustment window. Now, this is the complaint department. Believe me, it's entirely different.

[B]

Stand back, Blondie. I'm going to yell again.

[A]

One minute, please. What time is it?

[C]

One o'. Clock.

[A]

Oh, sorry. This is my lunchtime. I'll have to be running along now.

[D]

Goodbye.

[C]

Oh, Dagwood, I'm so exhausted.

[B]

Yeah, I never thought we'd find the furniture department. Yeah, and it's kind of a nice place to sit down, isn't it, Dagwood? Huh? Look. What?

[C]

There's a man walking over to the card table. That man with the derby hat and the big feet.

[B]

Hey, Blondie, if he gets interested in it, I'm going to sell it to him. Then we can get our money back.

[C]

He doesn't look like a man who plays bridge. He looks more like a pinochle player.

[B]

Yeah, well, I'll see what I can do.

[C]

All right, dear. And if this doesn't work, I'm in favor of giving the card table away.

[B]

Yeah, well, never mind, honey. You just watch me. Good afternoon, sir.

[F]

Hello, Bud.

[B]

Are you interested in this marvelous little bridge table?

[F]

Yeah, I'm interested in it.

[B]

Oh, boy. No sales resistance. That's fine. It's a very wonderful table. You see, when you want the legs to come out, you just press a button.

[F]

Now, what button is that?

[B]

Oh, well, the little button right here.

[C]

It's.

[B]

Well, right here someplace.

[F]

And when you want them to fold.

[B]

Up again, well, you just unpress the button. This is a very fine table. It's so strong you can stand on it. See the picture of the man standing on it here. Would you like to stand on it?

[F]

No, thanks.

[B]

No, I guess not. Well, it's now selling at the very low price of 398. I'll make it 350 for a fast sale. It's a steal.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Robbery.

[F]

Well, I'll take it for $3.98. You got two cents?

[B]

Oh, sure. I'm always willing to put in my two cents.

[A]

You look it.

[F]

Now, here's four.

[A]

One dollar bill.

[B]

Okay. Your table. Well, so long.

[A]

Hey.

[F]

Hey, wait a minute. No sales slip?

[B]

Oh, no. No sales slip. You don't want anyone, do you?

[F]

I don't, huh?

[B]

Oh, it's so unnecessary. Just take it home. It's yours. Now, Shall I wrap it up or would you like to eat it here? I mean, would you like to play a few little hands on it?

[F]

One moment, Snorky. I'm not a customer. I'm the head of the store. Detectives.

[B]

I wondered why you had such big feet. Whoa, you are. Well, I'll see you later.

[F]

No, no, you don't. You're not a clerk here. And you're under arrest for selling an article belonging to the store. Now, come along with me.

[B]

Let go of me.

[F]

Come on with me, jailbird.

[C]

And that's how it all happened, Mr. Detective.

[B]

Yeah, we'll swear it on a stack of sale slips.

[F]

Well, sounds plausible.

[B]

Thank you.

[F]

As any good alibi should.

[C]

It's not an alibi. The man in the complaint department paid no attention to us.

[F]

He doesn't have to. He's married to Mr. Ormandy's niece.

[C]

She certainly got gypped.

[F]

Well, you still haven't proved that you own this bridge table.

[B]

Well, we can prove it to me.

[F]

This is just an open and shut case.

[B]

And so is the bridge table. Only we haven't found out how to shut it.

[F]

Well, I guess I'll have to make the arrest.

[C]

Now, you just listen to me. I don't want to lose my temper, but we've had just about enough of this. If you want to throw us in jail for this, you just go right ahead and see how much trouble you and the store get into. There are plenty of people who've had complaints and ran into the man who married Mr. Ormandy's niece. I wouldn't be surprised if they all marched on Normandy's store and tore the whole place. If you want to make yourself look pretty silly, you just go right ahead and throw.

[D]

Go ahead.

[C]

We're not worried, are we, Edwin?

[B]

I always tremble a little like this.

[C]

Well.

[F]

Well, now, Mrs. Bumstead, we don't want to cause any trouble.

[C]

I'd like to. I'm tired and I'm mad.

[B]

Now, can we take this table back?

[F]

By the way, first you better give me my $4 back. Here are your two pennies.

[B]

Well, couldn't you just get the money back yourself on the table?

[F]

Oh, no, no, I need those bills. They're marked, you see, I've written right on them.

[E]

Here, Mark, money.

[B]

Oh, here.

[F]

Besides, I can' return things in this store myself, but I may be able to in another six months if all goes well.

[C]

Oh, what do you mean?

[F]

Well, I'm carrying on a romance with another of Mr. Ormandy's nieces. Now that I have my $4. It's my sad duty to tell you we won't take the table back.

[C]

You. You are, after all this trouble.

[F]

Well, in the first place, it's in rather bad condition now, you see, it's scratched and scarred and banged around. In the second place, this was sold at a special sale. No refunds or exchanges. In a few words, folks, from where you're standing, there's an eight ball directly.

[E]

In front of you. You gotta keep the table.

[C]

Oh, Degworth, take me home. Oh, Dagwood, I've never been so glad to get home in all my life. I'm nearly ready to collapse.

[B]

Yeah, one more step and I'll come all unglued.

[C]

Well, I suppose we can always. Another bridge table.

[B]

Yeah. I'm glad. This is a good one, though. I've. I found out how it works now. Blondie and the other bridge tables, like it at Ormandy's. Had tags on them saying a man could stand on it. It's a good, strong table.

[C]

That's good.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You just press the button and see.

[C]

I. Hmm.

[B]

You know, I wonder if you could stand on it.

[C]

I don't know. I'll be happy just as long as it's strong enough to hold the weight of two decks of cards and four plates of sandwiches.

[B]

Which reminds me.

[C]

All right, dear. I'll see what's out in the kitchen.

[B]

Make my sandwich at least a foot high, Blondie. I've had a strenuous time.

[C]

All right, Daddy. Yeah.

[B]

Some table. I wonder if it would hold my weight. I'm not very heavy. I think I'll try it. Hey. Hey. This is all right. I look like the fella in the picture. It's a little shaky, but I can stand right up on it. Holy smoke.

[C]

Help. Fly.

[A]

Well, that's the end of today's Frontline Theater play. Please, not COD the radio edition of one of your favorite comic strips, Chick Young's Famous Blondie. We'll be back soon with more plays and many of the top stars of Broadway and Hollywood. So keep on listening, won't you? Frontline Theater is presented for you men of the Armed Forces of the United nations by the Special Service Division of the War Department of the United States of America.