Blue Ribbon Town 1943.xx.xx Guest Jack Benny

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Blue Ribbon Town" (Guest: Jack Benny)

Episode Date: September 6, 2025
Original Airdate: 1943.xx.xx
Host: Groucho Marx (as host of Blue Ribbon Town)
Special Guest: Jack Benny

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Overview of the Episode

This episode of Blue Ribbon Town is a classic Golden Age radio comedy starring Groucho Marx, with special guest (and contemporary radio giant) Jack Benny. The show revolves around Benny’s much-anticipated visit to Blue Ribbon Town, Groucho’s fictional comedic community. The episode’s main theme is Benny’s quest for just “a little rest,” away from the demands of radio, only to find himself surrounded by eager townsfolk desperate to join his program or impress him. Interwoven are rapid-fire one-liners, gentle celebrity jabs, tongue-in-cheek sponsor plugs, and plenty of radio in-jokes.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Jack Benny's Visit and the Radio Satire (00:16 – 04:19)

• Groucho introduces the excitement in Blue Ribbon Town due to Jack Benny’s visit, which is meant to be a restful escape from radio work.

• Groucho and the townsfolk reminisce (with gentle self-deprecation) about showbiz, expense, and past dinners at Benny’s house, filled with trademark wit:

  • Groucho on Benny’s hospitality:
    “That was the first time I ever sat in a rocking chair with a meter on it.” (01:38)

• The recurring joke is that everyone must avoid discussing radio, since Benny has “Radiolitis” (radio-related exhaustion). Despite this, comical attempts to avoid the subject lead right back to radio every time.

2. Celebrity Banter & Classic Wordplay (02:10 – 04:43)

• The group riffs on other classic radio personalities, notably Phil Harris, with jokes about musical ignorance and malapropisms:

  • Groucho’s jab at Harris:
    “You should have heard what he told me when I asked him if he liked the songs of Rimsky Korsakov. He thought they were a great team. Who wanted to know which one did the lyrics, Rensky or Korsakov?” (02:17)

• Running “family” joke about everyone in Blue Ribbon Town professing their affection for each other—the comedy lies in the exaggerated sincerity.

3. An Attempt at Relaxation (06:36 – 09:30)

• Jack Benny finally arrives, and Groucho tries to keep everything restful, even offering a snack... but pours beer instead of cream on Benny’s Grape Nuts, leading to a classic sponsor gag:

  • Groucho: “You take care of your sponsor and I’ll take care of mine.” (09:25)

• Attempting to talk about “anything but radio,” Groucho and Benny deflect awkwardly:

  • “Well, I’d like to talk about anything you’d like to talk about, Groucho.”
  • “Well, that settles it. We’ll talk about women.” (10:24)

4. Nostalgia & Rivalry (10:24 – 12:05)

• Old vaudeville days are recalled, with teasing over an old flame—Lena Hackenburg—and Groucho’s alleged attempts to sabotage Benny by pretending he wore a girdle:
  • Groucho: “Every time I was out alone with her, you’d sneak up from behind and snap me.” (11:44)
  • The playful escalation perfectly highlights the pair’s on-air chemistry and rivalry.

5. Locals Seek Fame on Benny's Show (12:05 – 17:00)

• Townsfolk vie for Benny’s attention, hoping for a spot on his radio show. Bill Days sings for Benny, hoping to impress.

• Jack’s classic penny-pinching persona emerges during contract negotiations:

  • “Did you say you’d be willing to work for nothing? ... $40 a week? Who do you think you are, Lawrence Tibbett? Why, Dennis only gets 35.” (16:34)

• Groucho accuses Benny of “stealing” his talent in a mock outrage, drawing more comedy from the running theme of comedic jealousy and show business poaching.

6. Sponsorship & Commercials as Comedy (06:36, 17:00, 21:00, etc.)

• Sponsor pitches for Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, seamlessly woven into dialog:

  • Simon the Swami pseudo-poem:
    “During my leisure, I comfortably peer into crystal clear glasses of Blue Ribbon Beer...” (07:05)

• Groucho and Ken Niles even try to audition as sponsors and announcers for Benny, poking fun at the structure and conventions of radio advertising.

7. Interpersonal Antics & Flirtation (22:46 – 25:57)

• Faye flirts extravagantly with Jack, using exaggerated compliments. Groucho interjects with quips about “draft boards” and “snap judgments”—riffing on Benny’s reputation for vanity.

  • Faye: “I could tell it was you by your kind eyes, your strong, manly jaw, your big brawny arms rippling with muscles.” (22:59)
  • Groucho: “Would you mind saying that a little softer, please? ... my draft board is listening in.” (23:12)

• Groucho and Jack volley cutesy nicknames (“Fayzee-poo,” “Jacksy-poo”), satirizing Hollywood interactions.

8. Lessons in Loyalty (25:57 – End)

• As everyone seems eager to abandon Groucho for Benny, Groucho feigns deep hurt and melodramatic betrayal—a loving spoof of radio “family” loyalty.

  • “Without the loyalty, without the faith of those one holds dear, life becomes nothing but a hollow mockery...” (26:53)

• The episode winds down with Groucho reading a government message about income tax, maintaining the tradition of plugging public service announcements in comedy programs of the era.

9. Exit Banter & Closing Jokes (End)

• Groucho and Benny close with more meta-comedy about the forced cleverness of scripted “goodnight” lines—a wink at the corny wrap-ups of the period.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Groucho Marx (01:38):
  “That was the first time I ever sat in a rocking chair with a meter on it.”
• Groucho Marx on Phil Harris (02:17):
  “He thought they were a great team. Who wanted to know which one did the lyrics, Rensky or Korsakov?”
• Jack Benny (16:34):
  “$40 a week? Who do you think you are, Lawrence Tibbett? Why, Dennis only gets 35.”
• Groucho Marx on loyalty (26:53):
  “Without the loyalty, without the faith of those one holds dear, life becomes nothing but a hollow mockery...”
• Faye & Groucho Banter (22:59–23:16):
  “Your strong, manly jaw. Your big brawny arms rippling with muscles.”
  “Would you mind saying that a little softer, please? ... my draft board is listening in.”

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Notable Timestamps

• 00:16–01:29: Introduction and star-studded welcome for Jack Benny.
• 02:03–02:38: Phil Harris jokes and classical music wordplay.
• 06:36–09:25: Jack arrives, Groucho’s “Grape Nuts with beer” snack, rest-from-radio promise.
• 12:05–14:00: Bill Days serenades Jack Benny in hopes of being discovered.
• 16:34–17:00: The “work for nothing/$40 a week/Dennis Day” negotiation joke.
• 22:46–23:49: Flirtatious exchange between Faye and Jack, with Groucho’s interjections.
• 25:57–26:53: Groucho’s over-the-top lamentations on lost loyalty.
• Closing (28:00–End): Farewell, meta-commentary on script endings, public service bulletin.

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Tone and Style

The tone is relentlessly playful, balancing vaudeville-style slapstick, quick-witted wordplay, and knowing winks at radio conventions and sponsors. The friendly rivalry between Groucho Marx and Jack Benny is central, with their distinct comic personas bouncing off one another to delightful effect. The supporting cast adds energy with their earnest attempts to win Benny over, enhancing the running gag about the allure of “radio fame.”

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For Listeners, New and Old

This episode is a microcosm of Golden Age radio comedy—brisk, character-driven, and bristling with good-natured showbiz satire. It’s a treat for fans of Benny, Marx, and the era’s gentle mockery of stardom, with a perpetual stream of gags that remain witty to this day. If you love classic radio, this is a prime example of why families once tuned in together for laughter every night.

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Transcript

[Groucho Marx]

What do you think makes the perfect snack? Hmm, it's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient. Could you be more specific? When it's cravenient. Okay, like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just.

[Jack Benny]

A second at a.m. p.m.

[Groucho Marx]

I'm seeing a pattern here. Well, yeah, we're talking about what I crave, which is anything from AM PM what more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience AM PM Too much. Good stuff. Blue Ribbon Beer presents Blue Ribbon Town. Starring Groucho Marx. With a special guest, Jack Benny. With Jack Benny visiting us, there's plenty of excitement in Blue Ribbon Town tonight. Ready and eager to greet their famous guest. Our famous Ken Bill Days, Leo Gorcey. Robert R. Brewster and his Blue Ribbon Blenders. Yours truly, Ken Niles. And the leading citizen of Blue Ribbon Town, our happy host of hilarious hijinks, Groucho Marsh. Bay. Josh Bay. This is certainly a red letter day in Blue Ribbon Town with Jack Benny coming to visit us.

[Jack Benny]

Certainly is dill.

[Groucho Marx]

Say, Groucho, he never did tell us what your visit to Jack Benny last Sunday was like. I had a wonderful time and his rates weren't too high either. Mr. Marks, you don't really mean that Jack Benny charged you? I don't know, Bill, but that was the first time I ever sat in a rocking chair with a meter on it. But I must say, the dinner Jack prepared was very nice. He had a beautiful golden brown turkey on the table.

[Jack Benny]

Say, that was very generous of Jack.

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, it was a very unusual turkey too.

[Jack Benny]

What do you mean?

[Groucho Marx]

It was the first turkey I ever ate. Made out of grape nut.

[Jack Benny]

Was the stuffing good?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, it was, if you like more grape nut flakes.

[Jack Benny]

Well, did you meet Phil Harris? I think he's awfully cute.

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, he is cute and ignorant. You should have heard what he told me when I asked him if he liked the songs of Rimsky Korsakov.

[Jack Benny]

Why, what do you say?

[Groucho Marx]

He thought they were a great team. Who wanted to know which one did the lyrics, Rensky or Korsakov? And when I asked him about Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite, he wanted to know what hotel it was in. Everybody knows it's the Ambassador.

[Jack Benny]

Hey, Marcy.

[Groucho Marx]

Hey, Marcy. Is our extinguished guest here yet? Well, well, everybody's entitled to one mistake. And here's Mother Nature's Leo Gordon.

[Jack Benny]

Hey, Moxie.

[Groucho Marx]

I Just heard you talking about Phil Harris. You know, he's an old schoolmate of mine. Gee, I ain't seen Phil since we was in the fifth grade together. You ain't? No. Just think, two whole years have slipped by. Say, Marcy, did you enjoy yourself at Jack Benny's house last Sunday? Yes, I did, Garci, but I'm always glad to be back here in Blue Ribbon Town with my own happy little family.

[Jack Benny]

You're right, Graccho. We are one happy little family. I like you so much, Groucho.

[Groucho Marx]

And I like you, Faye. And I like you, too, Mr. Mark. And I like you. And Marcy, I like you. Likewise. And Dorothy, I like you lengthwise. But really, kids, I am fond of you. Ah, my happy little family. I feel like taking you all in my arms. You, Bill, and you, Gorcey, and you, Faye. Hey, Bill, why don't you and Gorcey get out and make more room for Faye? Jack Benny's main reason for coming up here is to get a complete vacation. He's mentally worn out from doing his radio show for so long. I can understand that. Jack Benny's certainly been on the air a long time, hasn't he? He certainly has. Why, Benny's been on the air so long, he can remember when John wasn't even married to his first wife.

[Jack Benny]

Well, what do you want us to do?

[Groucho Marx]

I don't want you to mention a single word about radio to Jack Benny or to do anything that will even remind him of radio. You see, Benny has Radiolitis.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, I get it.

[Groucho Marx]

You mean he's allergic, huh? Gorothy, I bet you don't even know what allergic means. Hey, certainly I do. Then he's allergic to radio like I'm allergic to jail. Allergic to jail? I don't quite see the connection. Well, every time I'm in jail, I break out. See you later, Marcy. Well, Fay, while Gorsey's breaking out of jail, why don't you break in to talk?

[Jack Benny]

I'm not the chance. I'll sing Suddenly it strings on the Paramount picture Lady in the dark.

[Groucho Marx]

Why.

[Jack Benny]

Is my heart dancing? Dancing? You look at me and suddenly it's free why do I keep sighing? Not dying Just shine I'm young and free and suddenly it's free High on a hill toe love is someone sit with me Happy falling no more being lonely Can I be lonely? You look at me and suddenly it's free on the hills, on my beloved no more things are we Can I feel? You look at me and suddenly.

[Groucho Marx]

Hey, Groucho, I'd like you to meet a man. There goes Niles again, bringing another pap Pappy. Poet. Who is it this time, Niles? Well, this is Simon the Swami. He's a crystal gazer and a very jovial person. A jovial crystal gazer, eh? Yes. How does he strike you? I don't know how he strikes me, but I'd sure like to strike him. You would? Why, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium. Silas, I'm Simon Swami. My marvelous crystal can tell you if Mama is packing a pistol and whether the step you are planning to take will land on a pillow or poison a snake. But these days I work, gazing carefully through our gun sights for errors I find very few. And during my leisure, I comfortably peer into crystal clear glasses of Blue Ribbon Beer. Yes, all over America, when people sit down for an hour or two of comfortable leisure, they always seem to call for a glass of mellow, delicious Pabst Blue ribbon beer. Since 1844, we've brewed and sold some of the world's finest beers. And today, Pabst Blue Ribbon is the finest of all Paps. Juno is full flavor, blended from 33 fine brews. And there's a whole century of brewing skill and knowledge in every delicious drop. Order it with confidence, serve it with pride, for no matter where you go, there is no finer beer, no finer blend than fast Blue Ribbon. Well, I'm glad the kids all left. I want Jack Bannon to feel like he's really going to get arresting. Radio. Oh, there's Benny now, pulling out in the taxi cab. I'll open the door for him. But, driver, 35 cents can't be over seven miles from here to the station. Well, all right. Oh, hello, Groucho. Well, if it isn't Jack Benny, the last of the Waukegan. Come on, Jack. Come into my house, relax and make yourself comfortable. Thanks. You're welcome. And, Jack, I want you to know that I told everybody in town that you're here for arrest and that they're not to mention anything about radio you. Thanks again, Groucho. I appreciate that. You know, Groucho, to me you're just a friend. I never regarded you as a radio comedian. Don't look now, Jack, but you just lost a friend. Well, now that you're here, you may as well start relaxing. Just sit back in that easy chair there and I'll get you a little snack I prepared over there on the table. Oh, good. I could eat a little something. Here you are, A bowl of your favorite Grape nut flakes. Well, gee, thanks, Groucho. Wait a minute. You're supposed to pour cream over them, not tap Blue Ribbon beer. You take care of your sponsor and I'll take care of mine. Hey, Groucho, this is 12. It's the first time in years I've been able to have two minutes to myself without someone talking shop. Jack, the word radio isn't ever going to be mentioned around here. Say, how about the music? I'll turn on the yes. Why'd you like to listen to the vacuum cleaner? Maybe I can pick up Stardust. No, I'd rather just sit here and take it easy and talk about other things. Things? Then you know what suits me. Well, what would you like to talk about, Groucho? Oh, anything you'd like to talk about, Jack. Well, I'd like to talk about anything you'd like to talk about, Groucho. Well, that settles it. We'll talk about women. Say, how are you and Gladys Abisco? Are you still that way about each other, Gladys? No, we've. Shall we say fifth? Pardon me, I didn't mean to serve her. Well, that's too bad, Jack. Oh, by the way, Gladys was a waitress, wasn't she? Yeah. Guys, I'm really broken up about it. You really liked her, eh, Jack? Yeah, I loved her. She was cute. Used to get a lot of tips, too. Well, that is true love. Oh, well, that's enough about women. Say, there's a great trout stream near here, Jack. How about you and me doing a little fishing? No, no, I just want to relax. No fishing. No fishing. All right then, let's talk about women again. Say, Jack, remember that little dance that we both went for when we were in vaudeville? What was her name again? Oh, you mean Lena Hackenburg? Yeah, Little Lena. Remember Little Lena Hackinb? I also remember that nasty trick you played just because she liked me better than you. What do you mean? Well, Lena always went for athletic men, and what she admired most about me was my flat, trim waistline. So you try to convince her that I wore a girdle. It's not true. I never said you wore a girdle. No, you never said it. But every time I was out alone with her, you'd sneak up from behind and snap me. Well, enough for reminiscent. How about going for a little walk and really seeing Blue Ribbon Town? Oh, no, Groucho, I just want to sit here and relax. No walking, no walking. Well, back to women again. Hey, by the way, Jack, I have a picture of you and Lena Hackenbush. Upstairs. That was taken 20 years ago. Gosh, Groucho, 20 years ago. Would you get it for me? Gladly, Jack. Say, is that the one where Lena's running her fingers through my hair? That's the one. Gee, I'd love to see Lena again. And I bet you'd love to see hair again. Get the picture and be right back. Well, Mr. Benny. Mr. Benny? Yes, young man? Mr. Benny, I'm Bill Days, one of Mr. Marks's happy blue Ribbon Town family. Glad to know you, kid. What's on your mind? I sing. Well, that's nice. When Groucho comes down, you can sing for him. But I don't want to sing for Groucho. I want to sing for you, Mr. Benny. Sing for me? What for? Well, gosh, after you hear me, I know you're gonna want me on your program. Look, kid, I came here to Forget radio. Didn't Mr. Marks tell you not to bother me? Yes, but, gee, I couldn't help it. Being on your show gives a person so much prestige. Look, kid, I. You really think it dance? Yes, I do. Gosh, Mr. Benny, you're just about the best there is in your field. Am I? Would you mind saying that a little louder, Bud? Louder. Why, Fred Allen doesn't hear as good as he used to. Yes, Mr. Benny. You know. Yes, Mr. Benny, you're absolutely tough. The greatest there has ever been. You just don't realize it. Oh, I do too. Well, go ahead, kid, sing. I don't mind. Go on. Smart kid. Got good taste, too. This kid really has. I used to be bewildered.

[Jack Benny]

Now I.

[Groucho Marx]

Know.

[Jack Benny]

Why I go walking round In a wonderful glow There's a lock Hill Here am I Riding high on a hill Far away from the usual road With a world of my own at.

[Groucho Marx]

My.

[Jack Benny]

All because it was heavenly sweet.

[Groucho Marx]

And of that ever dreamed in my wildest dream.

[Jack Benny]

That I fought quite so wholeheartedly.

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[Groucho Marx]

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[Groucho Marx]

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[Groucho Marx]

Crack up to be.

[Jack Benny]

Now I know.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, do I get to be on your show, Mr. Benny? Well, gosh, kid, I don't know. You're a tenor. What's wrong with that? Don't you always have tenors? Kenny Baker, Dennis Day? Yes, I never fail to have trouble with him about money. And then, kid, with tenors, you always have mother trouble. Tenors just seem to have mothers. I can't imagine why. But, gee, don't you think having a mother is pretty true of most people? Yes, yes, I suppose so. But with tenors, somehow it's worse. Tenors have mothers who look like fathers. Besides, I already have a contract with Dennis Day and extremely fine tenor. So you can see, nothing, absolutely nothing could make me change my mind. But for such an opportunity, Mr. Benny, I'd. I'd even be willing to work for nothing. Please, kid, I'm not. Huh? I wonder if Dennis mother would slug me if I broke his contract. Did you say you'd be willing to work for nothing? Well, practically, I'd be willing to accept $40 a week. $40 a week? Who do you think you are, Lawrence Tibbett? Why, Dennis only gets 35. Now he thinks he gets 186,000. On the other hand, if you'd be willing to work for. Hold on there, Benny. A fine thing a get to my house trying to steal my tenor. There's nothing lower than a man who'd steal a tenner. Unless it's a man who'd steal a base. I wouldn't have said that, Benny, except that the baseball season's just about to start and have to give me that line about not talking shop. But, Groucho, I didn't approach him. He approached me. That's right, Mr. Marks. I'm sorry, but I couldn't realize. I couldn't resist the opportunity to get on his show. Do you realize that being with Jack Benny automatically means being a great success? Oh, I don't know. Well, it's true. Name one person on Jack Benny's show who hasn't become a famous man. All right, Mary Livingston. Now run along and let's not hear any more of this. Well, well, Jack Benny, I'm certainly glad to see you. Glad to see you, keniles. Yes, indeed, Mr. Benny. I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time. Yes, sir. You need an announcer like me on your show. You too, Niles. Oh, quiet, Groucho. I'm talking to a radio star. You know, Jack, Don Wilson's not laughing like he used to. That booming quality, that wonderful chuckle, those real honest to goodness guffaws. He just doesn't have it anymore. He doesn't? No. Now, just try me out. I'll throw you a feed line for an old joke. Any old joke. The way he throws himself at the man, it's degrading. Let's see. Oh, yeah. Dave. Jack, who's that lady I saw you with last night? Oh, well, all right. That was no lady, Ken. That was my wife. Isn't that wonderful? It's marvelous, isn't it? Isn't it revolting? Well, what do you say, Mr. Benny? Am I better than Don Wilson? Well, I don't know. Wilson is fatter than you. He has more to laugh with. Well, I admit Don Wilson's a lot fatter than I am. But name one thing he can do that I can't do. Well, Wilson can take a shower without getting his feet wet. Niles, you don't want to really leave me, do you? I thought we were one big happy family here. Yeah, but this is Jack Benny. The Jack Benny. So I'm Groucho Marx. The Groucho Marx. So what? That's what I say. So what? I know how you feel, son. Sometimes I even try to forget I'm Jack Benny. Yes, but it's such a thrill when he remembers. Mr. Benny. There must be a joke in here for me sometime. You want me to help you? Look, Jack. Mr. Benny, you haven't given me a chance. You haven't heard me do a commercial. Just listen, Niles, will you get out of here and let Benny and me go back to where we. What we were discussing? Oh, women. Well, why you're on the subject of beautiful women, Grouch, I defy to make a commercial out of that one. Now, don't be too sure. Did you ever stop to think that a beautiful woman is a perfect blend of lovely attributes? Her smile, her grace, her lovely face and so forth. There he goes with that magic word, blend. Aye, that is a magic word, Groucho. Especially when it comes to beer. You see, skillful blending of a number of different brews brings a smoothness and Mellowness to beer that you just can't get any other way. Pabst, you know, is full flavor, blended from no fewer than 33 fine brews. That's why a glass of of Pabst is like an old friend. Its welcoming flavor is always the same, always delightful. Remember, there's a century of brewing skill in every delicious drop of Pabst blue ribbon. A 100 year tradition of hospitality in every sparkling glass. So order it with confidence, serve it with pride. For no matter where you go, there is no finer beer, no finer blend than packed Blue Ribbon. Well, There it is, Mr. Benny. Think it over. I'll be waiting for your answer. Toodle doo. Shall we dance? Fine happy family I've got. That's the second trader who wants to decide me. Isn't a fine rest I'm having away from radio. I have to come back for that line, you know.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, Gratio.

[Groucho Marx]

Hello, Faye. I'd like to.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, you don't have to introduce him. Anybody'd know. This is Jack Benny.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, I guess I am rather easy to recognize.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, yes, I've seen you in pictures. And I could tell it was you by your kind eyes.

[Groucho Marx]

Your.

[Jack Benny]

Your strong, manly jaw. Your big brawny arms rippling with muscles.

[Groucho Marx]

I would. Would. Would you mind saying that a little softer, please?

[Jack Benny]

Softer?

[Groucho Marx]

Why, my draft board is listening in.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, Mr. Danny, you do have such a nice physique. Such a trim, fit waistline.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, I grouse, your marsh, you snapped me again. There's never a shortage of rubber around, Benny. You know, you're quite attractive, Ms. McKenzie.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, thanks. But don't call me Ms. McKenzie. You can call me St.

[Groucho Marx]

I can? Well, then you can call me Jacksy Poo. And you can call me when my stomach returns to Norma. You know, three months. You know, Paisy, now that I've met you, I'm going to hate leaving Blue Ribbon Town. Too bad you don't live in Hollywood. We could see more of each other.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Jackie Pooh, I'd love to live in Hollywood if I thought I could find a job there.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, Fazee Pooh, I'm a rather important man in Hollywood. I could probably line up some sort of a position for you.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, Pooh, how wonderful of you. I know I'll be very happy. Happy working on your show.

[Groucho Marx]

Pooh. Was that Pooh or pew? P o, o. P o, o. Well, Ms. Mackenzie, I did not offer you a job on my show. I came here to forget my show.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, but Jackie fool, how can you forget your show? A great Comedian like you. Why, as far as I'm concerned, you're the grand old man of radio.

[Groucho Marx]

Don't. Don't gray hair fool you? I'm just breaking it in for a silver fox. Ray, I'm really not old. It's just that I began my career so young. 30 years ago. I was just a knee pants. Yes, and he looked awfully funny. A grown man of 25 running around a knee pant. Running around a knee Pantsy poo. Excuse me while I answer the phone. Jack. Excuse me while I answer the phone. That never happens on my show. Everything happens on our show. Hello? No. Goodbye. Who was that? Groucho. The wrong number. That's never happened on any other show before either.

[Jack Benny]

Hiya, Marc.

[Groucho Marx]

Hiya, Mr. B. Say, I've been listening to your programs lots of times and I think it's great. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed, Mr. G, but I don't care to discuss. There is one thing wrong. Howsoever, that guy Phil Harris detracts from the refinement and culture of the program. You really think so? You ain't a participle of a dog. And believe me, the lack of culture is a terrible case that should be visited on no man. You're absolutely right, Gorsy poo. Now please stop visiting me. Not only is Phil Harris ignorant, but he also has a terrible vocal bearing. The guy knows nothing about nothing, especially grammar. Not only can't he conjugate conjugation, but he can even subjunct subjunction. Boy, what a soliloquy. See, what you should do, Benny, is get someone to take Harris's place. Someone who's got class, refinement and education, you know, to worry me. That's more than I had on the whole. Well, I'll catch you. Thanks for listening to you, Gork. See, Phil Harris sounds like Anthony Eden. Well, I know my speech ain't so hot, but my writing is very audible. Sleep on that, Benny. I'll see you later. Some happy family I've got, Jack. Everybody has tried to leave me for your radio show. Yes, in fact, Rochester's was the only job that nobody wanted. Yeah, some happy family, all right. What loyalty? They don't even know the meaning of the word loyalty. Faith, semper fidelis is discouraging. Oh, come, come, Groucho. Chin up. Carry on. No, Jack. Without the loyalty, without the faith of those one holds dear, life becomes nothing but a hollow mockery, a sham, a mere existence. Hardly worth continuing. I wouldn't try so hard, Groucho. Too late. For the Academy Award, he jested scars that never felt a wound. Oh, I know you're hurt, Groucho. But after all, you're a good friend, Jack. But don't try to soften the blow. I'm disappointed in my so called friend. Wanted to leave me to go with your show. It hurts, Jack. It hurts here. Now it hurts there too. There, there, Groucho. Don't take it so hard. I can't help it, Jack. There's only one thing left for me to do now. What's that, Mr. Betty? How about you all letting me take Rodgers's place? Hey, Mr. Benny, if you want to hear how I deliver an important message on the show, just grab an earful of this. Neighbors income taxes are vital to the support of our government. Right now I'd like to let everybody in on a message I have here from Uncle Sam. He considers the prompt filing of income tax return so important this year that he's asking everybody to find out what they owe him just as soon as possible. Don't wait until the March 15 deadline. Find out where you stand. You may owe more or less than you think. Get straightened out early. If you haven't received forms, write the office of your local Collector of Internal Revenue immediately for forms and information. You can find out his address at your nearest bank or post office. If you need help with filing your returns, you can get it free of charge at the same office. But ask for it in time to avoid the rush. Remember, file early. It's more important this year than ever before. Well, Groucho, it's time for me to leave. I want to thank you for your hospitality. It was nice having you, Jack. Thanks for coming down. You must visit me again sometime. I'll be glad. By the way, who's your guest next week? Everett. Everett Horton. He's having trouble with his income tax and he wants me to help him figure it out. Groucho, I didn't know you were good at that sort of thing. Do you really know how to fill out those income tax forms? Oh, yes. In fact, I helped Darcy Lamour with her income tax last year and you know how well her form is filled out. Well, good night, Groucho. Now wait a minute, fellas. Get this very clever line they gave me to end the program with. Oh, this will be a scream. Wait till you hear this. Good night, Groucho. I'll be listening next week. I suppose. I suppose you think mine is any better, huh? Listen to the one they gave me. So long, Jack Benny. Thanks again. Good night, neighbor. Remember, if you want the real lowdown on how to laugh off your income tax, don't forget to listen to Groucho Mark telling Edward Everett Horson all about him next Saturday. All the rest of our regulars will be on hand, so join in the fun and come on down. This program is directed by Dick Mack and is brought to you by the Fast Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Continental Illinois. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.