Blue Ribbon Town 44-01-29 (x) Groucho's Getting Married to Barbara Jo Allen

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Blue Ribbon Town 44-01-29 (x) – Groucho's Getting Married to Barbara Jo Allen

Release Date: May 11, 2025

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Introduction

Blue Ribbon Town transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved characters and humorous scenarios. In this episode, Groucho Marx finds himself navigating the comedic turmoil of impending marriage to Barbara Jo Allen’s character, Vera Vague. Hosted by Ken Niles, the show blends witty banter, playful misunderstandings, and classic radio humor.

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Announcement of Marriage

The episode opens with Groucho Marx casually announcing his decision to get married, setting the stage for ensuing comedic mishaps.

• Groucho Marx [01:49]: “Ken, I'm going to get married.”
• Ken Niles [01:53]: “Oh, but, Groucho, isn't this rather sudden?”

Groucho humorously justifies his decision not out of a desire for companionship but craving for a competent cook to manage his household.

• Groucho Marx [01:58]: “No, I'm just hungry.”

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Reactions from Friends and Family

Groucho’s friends and acquaintances react with a mix of surprise, concern, and skepticism regarding his sudden matrimonial plans.

• Bill Day [02:43]: “Mr. Marks, are you sure you've given this enough serious thought?”
• Fay McKenzie [03:33]: “I always approve of a man getting married. That's something I endorse.”

The conversation reveals Groucho’s unconventional reasoning behind marriage, emphasizing practicality over romance.

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Vera Vague's Arrival

Vera Vague makes her entrance as Groucho’s prospective bride, leading to a comedic clash of expectations and realities.

• Vera Vague [10:13]: “Hello, Groucho. Here I am, your little fiance, Vera V.”
• Groucho Marx [10:33]: “VeraVeg. I should remember you. I never forget a face.”

The misunderstanding over the matrimonial agency catalog adds to the humor, highlighting Groucho’s reluctance and Vera’s persistent affection.

• Groucho Marx [04:07]: “I haven't met her yet, but I have a picture of her.”
• Vera Vague [04:20]: “Here, you must remember this is my birthday.”

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Conflict and the Marxist Curse

Groucho introduces a fabricated "Marxist curse" as his reason to avoid the marriage, escalating the comedic tension.

• Groucho Marx [16:36]: “There's a curse on the men of the Marx family. The Marxist curse.”
• Vera Vague [16:45]: “They do.”

This humorous superstition serves as Groucho’s ploy to escape the impending nuptials, leading to further misunderstandings and family friction.

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Climactic Confrontation

The episode reaches its peak during a chaotic family dinner where Groucho attempts to flee his responsibilities, only to confront the consequences of his actions.

• Groucho Marx [20:35]: “Because there was no doubt. I was positive I was marrying the wrong woman.”
• Vera Vague [22:41]: “It's no use trying to stop me.”

The interplay between Groucho’s attempts to evade marriage and Vera’s unwavering determination culminates in a humorous yet heartfelt resolution.

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Conclusion and Resolution

The episode wraps up with Groucho’s final attempt to escape, only to be thwarted by his own comedic flaws and Vera’s persistent love.

• Vera Vague [24:00]: “I'm digging a pit in front of the YMCA.”
• Groucho Marx [24:07]: “Well, Vera, let's stop this wedding march palaver and listen to Bill Day sing a real song of romance.”

The story concludes with the characters preparing for their upcoming war bond tour, blending personal conflict with broader wartime themes.

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Notable Quotes

• Groucho Marx [02:04]: “Can you think of another way of getting a cook? Ah, marriage.”
• Groucho Marx [09:29]: “Eddie can save coupons that way.”
• Vera Vague [15:46]: “That's not fair. You're only naming women.”
• Groucho Marx [23:14]: “This is my one chance to see what's on the other side of the hill.”
• Vera Vague [23:43]: “I should say so. I wouldn't mind if you'd just stolen a few million dollars from the bank.”

These quotes encapsulate the episode’s blend of humor, irony, and the classic Groucho Marx wit that drives the narrative forward.

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Insights and Themes

The episode satirizes the institution of marriage, societal expectations, and personal responsibility through Groucho’s exaggerated persona. It also reflects the era's humor, focusing on wordplay, misunderstandings, and character-driven comedy. The introduction of quirky characters like Vera Vague and the exaggerated concept of the "Marxist curse" add layers of humor and social commentary, making the episode both entertaining and thought-provoking for listeners.

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Conclusion

Blue Ribbon Town 44-01-29 (x) offers a delightful mix of classic radio humor, engaging character interactions, and timeless comedic scenarios. Groucho Marx's misadventures in navigating the complexities of marriage, combined with the supporting cast's humorous responses, create an episode that is both entertaining and emblematic of Old Time Radio's charm.

Listeners who appreciate witty dialogues, nostalgic settings, and character-driven humor will find this episode particularly enjoyable. The seamless integration of humor with situational comedy ensures that even those unfamiliar with the original broadcast can appreciate the timeless antics of Groucho Marx and his companions.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Nicole Fire helping you make those rooms flyer. Today's style tip when it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com Ooh, fierce. This has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Vera Vague]

Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Ken Niles]

Blue Ribbon Beer presents Blue Ribbon Town, starring Groucho Marx. With his special guest, the peppy pothole pepsidan gal, Vera Vay.

[Groucho Marx]

Come on down at the Ribbon House where you drown your daily.

[Ken Niles]

With chap Happy Vera Bay coming to visit us, we're all looking forward to a good time in Blue Ribbon Town tonight. Extending a welcome hand are Fay McKenzie, Leo Gorcey, Bill Dave, Robert R. Brewster and his Blue Ribbon Blenders. Yours truly, Ken Niles. And here, standing over a hot stove, cooking up last Groucho Martin. Well, Groucho, I see the cook situation isn't clearing up at your house.

[Groucho Marx]

Now Nyles is getting even worse. It's impossible to hire a good cook nowadays. Why, the one that stormed out this morning used to drive a bus. She gave me plenty of trouble.

[Ken Niles]

A woman bus driver, huh?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes. Last night we had turkey, and every time I started to carve the wing, she kept yelling, please keep moving. There's plenty of room in the back.

[Ken Niles]

Well, Groucho, it is awfully hard for a man to run a house by himself.

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, I've thought about that, Niles, and I've come to a great decision.

[Ken Niles]

What's that, Groucho?

[Groucho Marx]

Ken, I'm going to get married.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, but, Groucho, isn't this rather sudden?

[Groucho Marx]

I can't help it. I can't go on any longer with this empty feeling.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, I see. You're hungry for companionship.

[Groucho Marx]

No, I'm just hungry.

[Ken Niles]

Groucho, would you marry a woman just because she was a good cook?

[Groucho Marx]

Can you think of another way of getting a cook? Ah, marriage. When I think of what marriage is going to mean to me, I come home after a hard day's work at the pool room and look into my wife's clear chicken consomme, smell the fragrance of a roast beef. And after dinner in the living room, I hold tenderly in my lap a lemon meringue pie. Takes a lot of crass to say that.

[Ken Niles]

And I suppose after you're married a while, you'll hear the patter of little pig's Feet.

[Groucho Marx]

Watch yourself, Niles. You're speaking of the pig I love. Hello, Mr. Marks.

[Bill Day]

Hello, Ken.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, hello, Bill. Satan, did you hear the news? Groucho's getting married.

[Bill Day]

Getting married? Mr. Marks, are you sure you've given this enough serious thought? You know, a man doesn't get married every day.

[Groucho Marx]

He doesn't? John, apparently you don't read the Hollywood newspapers.

[Bill Day]

But, Mr. Marks, do you realize what a solemn step you're taking?

[Groucho Marx]

Why?

[Bill Day]

Do you know that according to vital statistics, in 1921, in the state of Kansas alone, 78% of the people who voted in the gubernatorial election had been married to the same person for an average of 7 1/3 years? And those are statistics.

[Groucho Marx]

What does that got to do with my marriage?

[Bill Day]

Nothing. But isn't it educational? I love statistics. I'm crazy about figures.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, you men are all alike.

[Fay McKenzie]

Hello, fellas.

[Bill Day]

Hello, Fay. Say, did you hear about Mr. Marks? He's getting married, Groucho.

[Fay McKenzie]

Getting married? Oh, I think it's wonderful. I always approve of a man getting married. That's something I endorse.

[Groucho Marx]

You do? Well, just sign on the back of my neck. Or neck on the back of my sign. Anyhow, fai, we have all two way jokes in take it or leave it.

[Ken Niles]

I suppose you know, Faye, Groucho's not marrying for love and romance. He's marrying this woman because she's a good housekeeper and a good cook.

[Fay McKenzie]

Oh, Groucho, you're not just marrying this woman because there's a health shortage.

[Groucho Marx]

Why not? She's marrying me because there's a man shortage.

[Bill Day]

Mr. Marks, you haven't told us who your blushing bride is.

[Fay McKenzie]

Yes, Groucho, where did you meet her?

[Groucho Marx]

I haven't met her yet, but I have a picture of her. It's right here.

[Fay McKenzie]

Oh, and that picture album?

[Groucho Marx]

That's not a picture album. That's the spring catalog of best bets from the Blue Ribbon Matrimonial Agency. There's her picture. Page 12, number 98.

[Vera Vague]

Let's see.

[Fay McKenzie]

Why, Groucho, that isn't number 98. It's number 86.

[Groucho Marx]

86?

[Vera Vague]

Sure.

[Fay McKenzie]

You were looking at her picture upside down.

[Groucho Marx]

She looks better that way. Well, if she is a number 98, I wonder who is. That's the number I asked for when I called the matrimonial agency. They're sending her right over.

[Fay McKenzie]

Here's number 98. This one can't cook, can't clean, can't launder. All she wants is love.

[Groucho Marx]

Love. I've been duped. What's the name of this Romantic creature Vera Vague Vera Vague there's no time to lose Lock all the windows, shut the doors, bar the entrances I've got to keep that she wolf from my door.

[Ken Niles]

Show is working out a plan to keep Vera Vague from establishing a beachhead at 33 Blue Ribbon LA. Bobby Armbruster and his Blue Ribbon Blenders present Major Meredith Wilson's salute to the wax Yankee Doodle Girl.

[Groucho Marx]

And John, you American, a Yankee Doodle Girl has gone to war. And when you mention true Americans, you mention every woman in the court. Every miss to the right means a hit for the Yankee for the Yankee Doodle Boy across the ball and turn to America Till the Yankee Doodle Girl comes home with the army, the Air Corps, the flag to do and therefore they don't hurt their mountain Like Steady America.

[Happy O'Leary]

More lilting tune I haven't heard this side of Aaron Faith, and I.

[Groucho Marx]

Can do with a bit of Aaron myself.

[Happy O'Leary]

Oh, do you like Aaron?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, especially marinated Aaron. Say, Niles, who is this cheerful brass of a lad?

[Ken Niles]

Why, Groucho Sheraton. This is Happy o' Leary, the war correspondent.

[Groucho Marx]

And is it?

[Leo Gorcey]

No.

[Ken Niles]

Yes, it is. Tell him why you're Happy o' Leary.

[Groucho Marx]

Sure.

[Happy O'Leary]

And I haven't got time to get fat or despondent. I keep on the go as a war correspondent. I travel in transports and trucks and in clippers. Today I eat rice cakes, tomato skippers. I send you the news from the farthest of Lucian. I found out the latest dispatch to the Russians. But, brother, when I hit the stage, you should hear how I pound on the table for Blue Ribbon Beer.

[Ken Niles]

Well, no wonder they call you Happy o' Leary. Yes, when you get together with old friends whom you haven't seen for a long time, well, somehow the occasion seems to call for a brimming glass of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. For now, more than ever, this great beer has become America's symbol of friendly companionship. A welcome gesture of hospitality that everybody understands and appreciates. Serve it proudly, for no matter where you go, there is no finer beer, no finer blend than Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[Bill Day]

Hey, Muxie. Hey, Muxie, are you home?

[Groucho Marx]

Well, well, if it isn't Blue Ribbon Town's overage problem child. Leo Garcey. Come in, Leo.

[Bill Day]

Hey, I just heard the good news about you getting hitched.

[Groucho Marx]

Getting hitched? That's a fine way to talk about the sacred institution of matrimony.

[Bill Day]

Oh, excuse me. I meant I heard the news of your entering the blissful state of holy Deadlock.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, maybe Hitch was the Better way to put it. How did you find out about my so called marriage?

[Bill Day]

Hey, it's all over town. The headlines in every paper says Groucho Mugs to marry. I even saw a TA to sign announcing it.

[Groucho Marx]

The theater marquee announcing my marriage. What did it say?

[Bill Day]

Didn't say nothing. I had to read it.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, come, come, come, come, come, come. Corsi, what did it say about my marriage?

[Bill Day]

Well, it said double feature next week. A lady takes a chance with the Wolf Man. Anyway, Marcy, I want you to know I think you're doing the right thing. I love. I love it. Wonderful to be in love. Especially when you're in love with someone you like.

[Groucho Marx]

Leo, that's a very astute remark. And I might add, it comes from a very astute person. Have you any other pearls of wisdom you'd like to dispose of?

[Bill Day]

Marcie, you're taking a very bitter altitude. If you're in love, don't hide it. Decay. Love is a beautiful thing, Marcie. Ah, when you're in love, the beauty blaze is always singing, the bees is always buzzing and the little butterflies is always making butter.

[Groucho Marx]

Eddie can save coupons that way. Gor, you don't understand. I thought I was marrying a good housekeeper, but instead I'm stuck with a woman who isn't interested in anything but romance. Yeah.

[Bill Day]

Gee, that's compressing. We got to do something drastic to get rid of that dame.

[Groucho Marx]

Exactly.

[Vera Vague]

Hey, I got it.

[Bill Day]

She wants romance. Be insulting to the dame. Clean her up. Be the kind of a guy that's no good at love making. Make her think you're just no good as a husband. Make her think you're just a useless joke.

[Groucho Marx]

No, I. I'd rather just be myself.

[Bill Day]

That's what I mean.

[Groucho Marx]

That's what I mean.

[Leo Gorcey]

Come in.

[Groucho Marx]

Come in, come in, come in. I knew that door was gonna knock. There. Hello. Hello. How are you?

[Vera Vague]

Hello, Groucho. Here I am, your little fiance, Vera V. Don't stand there with that blank expression. We've met before. I'm number 98, Vera Vague. Don't you remember me, Vera Vague?

[Groucho Marx]

VeraVeg. I should remember you. I never forget a face.

[Vera Vague]

Then why don't you remember me?

[Groucho Marx]

Call that a face?

[Vera Vague]

I did. Of course I call it a face. It's been a face for years. I've had it ever since I was a little girl.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, it's about time you outgrew it.

[Vera Vague]

But your heart. You're so cute. I don't care. Let's get married.

[Groucho Marx]

Vera, I can marry you.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, Dear, those horrible, familiar words.

[Groucho Marx]

But, Vera, a man of my position should have a very elegant wife. I couldn't afford to marry a woman unless she was very ritzy, very snooty.

[Vera Vague]

That's just why you should marry me. Down in Hollywood, they consider me the snootiest person in the neighborhood.

[Groucho Marx]

They do?

[Vera Vague]

So I've got the biggest snoot on the block. What are we waiting for? Let's get married.

[Groucho Marx]

Not so hasty, my pretty one. And when I call you my pretty one, that's just a figure of speech. I'd rather have a figure of speech than your figure. Anyhow, how do you know I'm the type of man you want for a husband?

[Vera Vague]

You're alive, aren't you?

[Groucho Marx]

Well, there's been considerable debate about that.

[Vera Vague]

Now, Galto Mars, even though you're doing your best to conceal it, I know that deep down you're very and kind and generous. And when I'm your wife, you'll always be thinking of what you can get for me, won't you?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, and I'll accept any reasonable offer.

[Vera Vague]

You, dear boy, you. Haven't you got a head on you, though? For a wedding present, I think I'll buy you a pin cushion. Then you'll have something to rest your little pinhead on.

[Groucho Marx]

But, Vera, I insist. I'm not the man for you.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, yes, you are. I've always wanted a man like you. A man who, when he presses his lips to mine, takes my breath away. Till I hear a strange buzzing in my ears and I become all empty inside.

[Groucho Marx]

You don't want a man. You want a vacuum cleaner.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, Groucho, don't be so facetious. Come here to the window with me. Here, you see those two darling little birdies billing and cooing there on that little brass? Does that give you any idea?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, but I don't think that little branch would hold the two of us.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, Darcho, just think. Soon the grass will turn green again. The little buds will bloom. There'll be that feeling of life and romance everywhere. You know what I mean?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes. Spring in the air.

[Vera Vague]

What was that?

[Groucho Marx]

Spring in the air.

[Vera Vague]

Well, I wouldn't mind, but I'd much rather jump on your lap.

[Groucho Marx]

I've got a better idea. Vera, come over here to the other window.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, yes. Glad you're dear.

[Groucho Marx]

Vera, as I stand here with you, I can only think of one thing.

[Vera Vague]

What's that, my love?

[Groucho Marx]

It's leap year.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, God, show you mad boy.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, don't just stand there by the window. It's Leap Year Leap the music Stars.

[Ken Niles]

And famous the music stops.

[Vera Vague]

I felt.

[Leo Gorcey]

The glow.

[Fay McKenzie]

Of you in my arms.

[Groucho Marx]

The band had left the 10 and we were in heaven Dancing on a Broadway on the blue.

[Leo Gorcey]

The music dawned and people were glancing but we went on dancing for we didn't know.

[Vera Vague]

Because.

[Groucho Marx]

The lights were low.

[Leo Gorcey]

And we were in.

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for Every home. This is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms flyer. Today's style tip when it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rusty farmhouse table. From wayfair.com oh, fierce this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Vera Vague]

Wayfair Every style, Every home. Groucho, I still don't see why you don't want to marry me.

[Groucho Marx]

Please, Vera, I'd rather not discuss it.

[Vera Vague]

But I'm clever and sweet and I'm just as pretty as any movie star. Just name one who's prettier than I am.

[Groucho Marx]

All right. Betty Grable. Lana Tyner. Dorothy Lamour. Dan Sheridan.

[Vera Vague]

That's not fair.

[Groucho Marx]

Veronica Lang.

[Vera Vague]

Not fair? You're only naming women. Well, I don't care. The boys in service seem to find me attractive. I was recently elected Miss England by our boys.

[Groucho Marx]

Really? They voted you Miss England?

[Vera Vague]

Practically. They wrote me that if I make a trip overseas to entertain soldiers, they'd like to have me Miss England. I know how they meant it, Groucho. Now, now, consider it seriously. I'd make you such a wonderful wife.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, while you're at it, make yourself a wonderful husband.

[Vera Vague]

You can't get out of this, Groucho. Marcus, you proposed to me in a letter, and I accept it. I'm holding you to the marriage.

[Groucho Marx]

Vera. There's another reason why I can't let you marry me. I was ashamed to confess it, but now I see I must. There's no other way.

[Vera Vague]

What are you talking about? What is it you're ashamed to confess?

[Groucho Marx]

There's a curse on the men of the Marx family. The Marxist curse.

[Vera Vague]

They do.

[Groucho Marx]

Don't you understand, Vera? There's a curse on all male Marxists. Everyone who marries becomes a tyrant. A beast who detests his wife and children. A weakling who quickly turns to gambling and even crime. Yes, Vera. All wives of the Marxist lead horrible lives. Boris, are you listening?

[Vera Vague]

Oh, you can't fool me. This is this trick of yours to get out of marrying.

[Groucho Marx]

No, no, no, Vera. It's true, Too true. I can just see myself a few years after our marriage. The Marxist curse has already taken its effect on me. And I am.

[Ken Niles]

Let us go to the residence of G. Viper Marx, the perfect example of what no woman should marry. We find him now seated in his parlor, a dangerous sneer on his mean, sly, crafty face. His adoring wife, Vera enters.

[Vera Vague]

Hello, darling.

[Groucho Marx]

Dad, why do you always have to walk in army that way? Why? Do you hear me? Why?

[Vera Vague]

But, dear, what other way can I walk in?

[Groucho Marx]

Backwards? It's less gruesome.

[Vera Vague]

Excuse me for bothering you, dear, but have you seen the children?

[Groucho Marx]

Children? What children?

[Vera Vague]

Well, our children. The two little ones that scamper about our house.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, is that what those are? Why didn't you tell me? I set traps for them.

[Vera Vague]

There's something bothering you, dear. I can see it. There's something gnawing at you. Gnawing at you.

[Groucho Marx]

There is. Maybe it's one of the children. Now stop nagging me. There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing? Nothing. Oh, I got plenty of nothing. Nothing planned for.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, stop. I know there's something wrong. Why do you have that awful look on your face?

[Groucho Marx]

I don't know where else to put it. Now, enough of you prying. I'm hungry. Hope you have something decent for dinner tonight.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, don't you worry about that. You know that if I have a hand in it, it'll be good.

[Groucho Marx]

I think you had both hands in the tomato soup last night. Tasted like nail polish.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, dear. And I thought I had it fixed so you wouldn't notice it.

[Groucho Marx]

Fixed?

[Vera Vague]

Yes, I poured in a whole bottle of polish remover. Forgive me for nagging, but that look on your face. You've done something wrong, I know it. And now you're going to leave me, aren't you? Aren't you?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes. Yes, I am am. I'm sick of being cooped up here in this one horse town. One horse town? That's two horse towns.

[Vera Vague]

If you can't leave me, you can't.

[Groucho Marx]

I want to live before my time comes. I want to see what's on the other side of the hill.

[Vera Vague]

But you can't leave me. I love you.

[Groucho Marx]

You have no reason to love me. I'm nothing but a wastrel, a ne' er do. Well, everybody calls me fluid drive Marks.

[Vera Vague]

Fluid drive. Why did they call you that?

[Groucho Marx]

Because I'm so shiftless.

[Vera Vague]

You may be shiftless, but I still love your clutch.

[Groucho Marx]

I must go away. I want to see what's on the other side of the hill.

[Vera Vague]

But you can't go away. You haven't got the means.

[Groucho Marx]

I have now. This afternoon at the bank when I finished work, it was lying there on the president's desk, unaccounted for. So I took it. Do you hear? I took it. At last I can live. At last I can see what's on the other side of the hill.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, children. Our poor, poor children. Their fatherless thief. But criminal. How will you have the nerve to look at them at dinner?

[Groucho Marx]

I don't know. They are rather repulsive.

[Vera Vague]

Maybe you did this horrible thing because of me. Maybe it's my fault. Oh, but if there was a doubt in your mind that you were marrying the wrong woman, why did you?

[Groucho Marx]

Because there was no doubt. I was positive I was marrying the wrong woman. Well, let's have dinner and then I'll set fire to the house. Then after that I must be going.

[Vera Vague]

Very well. So be it. But let's not let the children know there's anything wrong. I'll call them. Children, dear, dinner's ready. Come in, darlings, and sit down to dinner. Not all in the same chair, you joke.

[Groucho Marx]

Spread out.

[Bill Day]

Hiya, Mom. Hiya, cranky pussy.

[Groucho Marx]

Greetings, my obnoxious offspring.

[Vera Vague]

Well, come, come, Leo, dear, aren't you going to kiss your mother?

[Bill Day]

Yeah, kissing is for girls.

[Vera Vague]

What do you think I look like, a halibut? Don't answer that.

[Bill Day]

Hey, come on. Quit the cabin. Quit the cabin. Let's eat.

[Vera Vague]

Now, children, before anyone touches any of the food, I'm sure your father has something he wants to say. Speak, Father.

[Groucho Marx]

Pass the meatball.

[Vera Vague]

Val. So, dear, don't you remember what day this is?

[Groucho Marx]

No. Pass the meatballs.

[Vera Vague]

Here, you must remember this is my birthday.

[Groucho Marx]

Then happy birthday and pass the meatballs.

[Vera Vague]

Now, Julian, don't be so careless with your food. You're soiling the tablecloth.

[Bill Day]

What are you talking about? I'm eating very neat.

[Vera Vague]

You call that neat? Hanging your lower lip under the plate and banking the peas in off the meatball?

[Bill Day]

Well, I couldn't make it off the carriage. It's a two cushion shot.

[Fay McKenzie]

Daddy, since this is Mommy's birthday, aren't you gonna get us something?

[Bill Day]

Yeah, Ain't you gonna buy a no present?

[Groucho Marx]

That's exactly what I'm gonna buy. No presents.

[Fay McKenzie]

Mommy, get Daddy to buy a new hat.

[Vera Vague]

I think you need a new hat. Oh, do you really, dear? What do you think would look good in a hat?

[Groucho Marx]

Ordinarily I'd say a head, but in your case, we'll have to think of something else. I'VE had enough of this. I'm leaving.

[Vera Vague]

Overseer. Wait, wait, wait.

[Groucho Marx]

It's no use trying to stop me. My mind's made up.

[Vera Vague]

Stop before it's too late. Return what you stole from the banks. Otherwise it means prison.

[Groucho Marx]

No. If I get caught, I'll get out of it. I have a smart lawyer. I think I'll call them up in case they nab me before I can get out of town. Hello? Is this Pflegel, Flagle? Fleagle and Bensonhuys. Let me speak to Fleagle. What's that? He's dead. And why is his name on the door? Oh, he's still in his office. Goodbye.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, Groucho, dear, you don't have it chance. They'll catch you. They'll put you in prison for 20 years, and I and the children will have to starve.

[Groucho Marx]

I don't care. This is my one chance to see what's on the other side of the hill.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, how can you speak that way? How can you enjoy. Something was bought with stolen money.

[Groucho Marx]

Money? What money? I snitched a gas coupon.

[Vera Vague]

Gas coupon?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes. Now I have three gallons. Enough to drive over and see what's on the other side of the h. So you can see, Vera, what a horrible husband I would be.

[Vera Vague]

I should say so. I wouldn't mind if you'd just stolen a few million dollars from the bank. But to steal a gas coupon in times like these, it's positively criminal.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, I warned you marriage would make a cad of me.

[Vera Vague]

Yes, I guess that's the end of our little romance. Oh, well, I'm not worried. I'm sure I can get some other van to fall for me.

[Groucho Marx]

You can?

[Fay McKenzie]

Yes.

[Vera Vague]

I'm digging a pit in front of the ymc.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, Vera, let's stop this wedding march palaver and listen to Bill Day sing a real song of romance. How about it, Niles?

[Ken Niles]

Well, before Bill Day sings, I'd like to remind all our neighbors that the $50,000 PABS Post War Employment Awards competition, which started last December 1, closes on February 7, just nine days away. The awards, as many of you know, have been established by PABST in observance of the hundredth anniversary of the founding of its business. And they are offered for the best and most practical plans for solving the broad problems of post war employment in America. So if you are planning to submit an entry for the award, be sure it's postmarked not later than midnight, February 7th. And if you aren't already familiar with the details of the awards, you can write OR Wire the PABSS Post War Employment Awards Committee, 551 Fifth Ave, New York City, 17. All the necessary information, together with a copy of the rules by which all contestants are bound, will be sent to you immediately by air mail. I'll give you that address again. It's Pat. Post War Employment Awards Committee, 551 Fifth Avenue, New York City 17. And now back to Blue Ribbon Town and Bill Day singing. So good night.

[Leo Gorcey]

So good night Nothing more left to say when day is through my dreams will all be of.

[Groucho Marx]

Use.

[Leo Gorcey]

O good night As I write I can try to imagine you are here but only dream free bring you near O good night After I close.

[Groucho Marx]

My eyes.

[Leo Gorcey]

Memories pass me in review each one recalling just how you said Darling, I'm your forever heaven oh, good night With a heart full of love I'm dim alive and dream you're holding me tight oh, good night.

[Groucho Marx]

From the.

[Bill Day]

Star.

[Leo Gorcey]

O my darling, good night With a heart full of love I'll dim the light and dream your hope.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh.

[Vera Vague]

Well, Joshua, I've got to be going. I didn't get you this time, but I'm going to try again next week.

[Groucho Marx]

I won't be here next week.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, playing hard to get, huh? Well, Bill Days will be here and he's kind of cute.

[Groucho Marx]

You know, Bill Days won't be here either. In fact, none of us will. We're all going to the Middle west on a war bond tour and to entertain the servicemen.

[Ken Niles]

Yes, and while on tour, we're going to broadcast from Milwaukee and Peoria to help celebrate Pabst 100th anniversary.

[Fay McKenzie]

And you know, Vera, we're going to take Blue Ribbon Town to the Great Lakes Naval Training Station.

[Vera Vague]

Great Lakes Naval Training Station. Oh, those wonderful Navy men. We're also.

[Fay McKenzie]

We're also going to do a show for the boys at Fort Sheridan.

[Vera Vague]

Fort Sheridan. Oh, those wonderful army men.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, before you get to the four Fs, I'm saying good night.

[Vera Vague]

I'll be waiting right here for you.

[Groucho Marx]

You'll have a long wait, Vera.

[Vera Vague]

Oh, I don't know. It's only four years till it's leap year again. Good night, all.

[Groucho Marx]

Good night, Vera. Good night.

[Ken Niles]

Next week, Groucho Marx and his comedy company will have as a very Special guest the 20th Century Fox Glamour star, Gene Tierney. So come on down.

[Groucho Marx]

In the Harmony Land all your neighbors will be there.

[Ken Niles]

Vera Vague appeared the courtesy of the Bob Hope Pepsi and show. This program was directed by Dick Ma and was brought to you by the Pat Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Peoria Illinois. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.