Bob Hope 39-55 38-11-08 (007) Guest - Chico Marx

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Bob Hope 39-55 38-11-08 (007) Guest - Chico Marx"

Release Date: May 17, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Title: Bob Hope 39-55 38-11-08 (007) Guest - Chico Marx

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Introduction

In this nostalgic episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio, featuring the legendary Bob Hope alongside guest Chico Marx from the iconic Marx Brothers. The episode seamlessly blends comedy sketches, humorous anecdotes, and musical interludes, encapsulating the essence of pre-television family entertainment.

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Bob Hope's Opening Monologue

Bob Hope kicks off the show with his trademark wit, addressing the fatigue surrounding the recent election season. He humorously laments, "I voted 12 times a day and I only got paid for 10" [00:45], highlighting the exhausting nature of constant campaigning. Bob shares a comedic tale about his uncle's election campaign in Eagle Knob, California, portraying him as a lovable yet quirky politician:

"When my uncle got through voting, the ballot box was so stuffed it had to take six bicarbonates of soda" [01:20].

Bob's self-deprecating humor continues as he jokes about his uncle's persistence:

"Two hours before the polls open, he put in his application for a recount of the recount" [02:24].

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Comedy Segment: Hunting Adventures

Transitioning into a playful exchange with Bill Goodman and Jerry Colonna, Bob narrates a fictional hunting trip filled with absurd mishaps. He quips, "I came back without a buck. Reminds me of Santa Anita" [03:10], setting the stage for a series of humorous stories involving missed shots and unexpected animal encounters.

A standout moment occurs when Bob describes an encounter with a toothless bear:

"It was pretty horrible for both of us. It was a very old bear. It didn't have a tooth in its mouth. They were all in my arms" [03:33].

These exaggerated hunting tales serve as a backdrop for the comedic chemistry between the hosts, showcasing their impeccable timing and rapport.

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Musical Interlude: Jamboree Jones

The episode features a delightful musical number performed by Chico Marx, narrating the whimsical story of Jamboree Jones. Beginning at [06:28], Chico sings:

"I begin the story out in West Virginia, in a little college all the student body only cares Football... he'd rather run up the scale than down the scale" [06:26].

The catchy tune humorously intertwines football and music, culminating in Jamboree winning a game with his clarinet skills. This segment not only entertains but also highlights the innovative blending of narrative storytelling with music typical of the era.

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Guest Appearance: Chico Marx

Chico Marx makes a memorable appearance, engaging in a lively back-and-forth with Bob Hope. Their dialogue is peppered with classic Marx Brothers humor, characterized by quick wit and playful banter. A notable exchange occurs at [12:12]:

Bob Hope: "Wait a minute, Chico. You like that house of yours, don't you?"
Chico Marx: "How many bedrooms have you got? Bedroom is electronic, see?"

Their interaction escalates into a humorous discussion about unconventional home designs, showcasing Chico's unique comedic style.

Later, Chico attempts to convince Bob to sell ice cream, leading to a series of comedic proposals and refusals. At [16:34], Chico suggests:

"No, it's a map. Shows you how to get to go. Go out to the game."

Bob's skeptical responses, such as:

"But how do I see the game from there?" [14:08],

underscore their dynamic interplay, providing listeners with hearty laughs.

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Breach of Promise Sketch

One of the episode's highlights is the Breach of Promise legal sketch, where Bob Hope finds himself entangled in a humorous legal predicament. The scenario unfolds as Bob seeks legal assistance for a misguided marriage proposal gone wrong.

Key moments include:

• Bob: "She's suing me for 50,000" [24:00].
• Skinny Ennis: "We'll sue for $20,000" [23:47].

The sketch parodies legal dramas, blending slapstick humor with sharp dialogues. The absurdity peaks when the mock court proceedings devolve into chaos:

Bob Hope: "What kind of a trial is this anyway? Am I going to get justice?" [28:17].

This segment exemplifies the show's ability to weave intricate comedic narratives that captivate the audience.

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Musical Interlude: My Reverie

Following the legal sketch, Skinny Ennis performs "My Reverie," a melodic rendition based on Claude Debussy's compositions. Beginning at [17:50], the song offers a soothing contrast to the preceding comedic bits:

"Is it rude? In my reverence I can see that his love was lost for me..." [18:34].

The heartfelt performance adds depth to the episode, balancing humor with musical artistry.

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Final Moments and Teasers for Next Episode

As the episode nears its conclusion, Bob Hope humorously discusses future plans, teasing an upcoming appearance by Groucho Marx:

"Next week we're really going to town... Groucho Marx. He's coming over and explaining the whole thing" [29:16].

The hosts bid farewell, leaving listeners eagerly anticipating future episodes filled with more classic comedy and entertainment.

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Notable Quotes

• Bob Hope: "I turned on my radio last night and it handed me a cigar" [00:45].
• Chico Marx: "Bedroom is electronic, see?" [12:27].
• Bob Hope: "What I need is $50,000" [22:09].
• Jerry Colonna: "We make a settlement. Let's say 25,000 for her and 25,000 for me" [24:02].
• Bob Hope: "I'm throwing the tape right out of court" [28:44].

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Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully captures the humor and charm of the early days of radio entertainment. Through the engaging performances of Bob Hope and Chico Marx, listeners are treated to a blend of witty monologues, comedic sketches, and delightful musical numbers. The seamless interplay between hosts and guests underscores the timeless appeal of classic radio shows, making this episode a must-listen for aficionados of vintage comedy.

Transcript

[Styles Mackenzie]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Styles Mackenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style Tip when it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Bob Hope]

Wayfair Every style, Every home.

[Chico Marx]

We're glad we found you in for now we can begin while hoping you would laugh if you would smile down here again.

[Bob Hope]

Ah, thank you so much and welcome you all to our fun shop while we manufacture the laughter. It's Epsilon Sales that we're after to make you smile the more we'll. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob Hope, back again for the gop. Good old Pepson. Tonight I'm just a lull between election returns. You know, there's been so many campaign speeches on the air lately. I turned on my radio last night and it handed me a cigar. And what those politicians say about each other. It sounded like they were doing their Christmas rapping early. Well, election day is almost over and I'm pretty tired. My uncle ran for office in Eagle Knob, California, and I've been voting all day. But it doesn't pay. To be honest, I voted 12 times a day and I only got paid for 10. When my uncle got through voting, the ballot box was so stuffed it had to take six bicarbonates of soda. My uncle isn't exactly crooked. I'd say he was sort of a pretzel with skin when he was running for office last year. He said he'd do the public good. And when he was elected, he kept his word. He did them good. Ah, but you'd like him. He's a great man. He came up from the gutter and boy, is he homesick. He's a very thorough politician. Two hours before the polls open, he put in his application for a recount of the recount.

[Skinny Ennis]

Who had so many.

[Bob Hope]

Cigars in his pocket he looked like a pipe organ. But I want to take this opportunity to thank the 26 intelligent, honest, right thinking voters of Eagle Knob who voted for my uncle the other 2000 know what they can do. But the people are really slow in Eagle Knob. I entered the polling booth there, pulled back the curtain on the voting machine, and what do you think? I found a guy still voting for Hoover. Ah, but that's enough of that. Phil, tell the ladies and gentlemen who's elected to entertain the Peps and the voters tonight?

[Bill Goodman]

Well, Bob, we have one of the famous Marx Brothers, Chico Marx. And in our usual roundup, Skinny Ennis and his band. The Mad Professor, Jerry Colonna. Through the courtesy of Warner Brothers, Six hits and a miss.

[Jerry Colonna]

And Bob Hope.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, that's Bill Goodman, ladies and gentlemen, the big outdoor man. We went up to his cabin in the woods over the weekend to do a little deer hunting. I came back without a buck. Reminds me of Santa Anita. But, boy, I said, there's nothing like getting out in the open. I love to go hunting in the woods. It fills me with something.

[Jerry Colonna]

Buck shots. But it's marvelous.

[Bob Hope]

Up there on Bill's cabin, the deers eat right out of your hands. Here in Hollywood, they eat right out of your pocketbook. Isn't that a slick line? Ah, but I tell you, the first day Goodwin shot of the moose, he came so close, he shot the milk pail right out from under it. The second day out, I came face to face with a bear. It was pretty horrible for both of us. It was a very old bear. It didn't have a tooth in its mouth. They were all in my arms. Bill shot at the bear 15 times without hitting it. Suddenly, the bear ran in the woods and came out a second later with a large red bullseye over its heart. A hard red bullseye over its heart.

[Chico Marx]

Hey.

[Bob Hope]

We went a little deeper into the woods and ran across an elephant. The elephant came up to me and said, I've been hiding in here all day. How did we make out in today? I told him, and he went deeper into the woods. You know, as Giddy Ennis and his band were up there hunting. Skinny's a great hunter. He fired one shot and ran up to Goodman and said, is the guitar player out of the woods?

[Jerry Colonna]

Goodman said, yes.

[Bob Hope]

Then Skinny said, really? Then I shot a bear. Bill, that's a nice cabin you have up there.

[Jerry Colonna]

Did you really like it, Bob?

[Bob Hope]

Yes, Bill, except the bed you gave me.

[Bill Goodman]

Well, when I made it up, I asked you if you wanted one lump or two.

[Bob Hope]

Bill, that bed was so uncomfortable, even a beaver got out.

[Bill Goodman]

Well, anyway, the trip was a success. All except the last day, I fell on a porcupine.

[Bob Hope]

Really?

[Bill Goodman]

Did you get the needles? Well, Bob, I. I have so many needles in me, every time I eat spaghetti, my stomach knits a sweater.

[Bob Hope]

Hiya, fellas. Hiya, Skinny. Say, Skinny, did you ever hunt bear? Yeah, but I don't like it. The leaf pickle, the leaves pickle. Yeah, but I'm. I'M disappointed in you, Bob.

[Jerry Colonna]

Why?

[Bob Hope]

What about Skinny?

[Jerry Colonna]

You know, that bird dog you sold me?

[Bob Hope]

Yeah.

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, he doesn't sing a note.

[Bob Hope]

What a hunter, Skinny. You couldn't bring down a duck off a meat hook.

[Bill Goodman]

Well, everybody liked you up there, Bob.

[Bob Hope]

Really, Bill?

[Jerry Colonna]

Uh huh.

[Bill Goodman]

Even the parrot in my cabin.

[Bob Hope]

The parrot?

[Bill Goodman]

Yeah.

[Bob Hope]

He woke me up in the middle.

[Bill Goodman]

Of the night and said, is that Bob Hope the comedian?

[Jerry Colonna]

And.

[Bill Goodman]

And I said yes.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah.

[Bill Goodman]

So the parrot laid an egg as big as an ostrich and said, let.

[Jerry Colonna]

Me see him top that. Thank you, Bill.

[Bob Hope]

And now our six tips of the Miss are going to sing out Johnny Mercer's version of the musical football player Jamboree Jones. Take it, talent.

[Chico Marx]

I begin the story out in West Virginia In a little college all the student body only cares Football Never mind the know Never mind the sheepskin they preferred the three kids seem to have it in their bones they knew all about it, couldn't live without it all except a certain Mr. Jamboree Jones he played the clarinet with all his mind he studied night and day he practiced day and night no running up the field for Mr. Jones he'd rather run up the scale than down the scale. What comes me while the team marched.

[Bill Goodman]

On to greater things until they were.

[Chico Marx]

Asked to play the famous Rose bowl game Four Roses. And on that day of day, the students beamed. What did they do when the team marched on the field? I want to tell you ladies and you gentlemen they dream Ba ba ba di ala yebo Watch them go.

[Unknown]

Boom.

[Chico Marx]

Starting from the kicks off base pull every takes off they could win it. Instead of going forward, they were going backward five miles in it. Seeing their position, they called intermission.

[Unknown]

They heard the red 7 denomination 8 exactly nothing.

[Chico Marx]

You've got five minutes to play. And from the stand there came a distant whale and it was Jamboree.

[Bob Hope]

A swing and roll the nail oh we like.

[Chico Marx]

And then the students they began to yell. The players marched up the field and down the field. Hall of fame still proclaims the hero's name Jamboree they can't forget Won a football game with clarinet.

[Bill Goodman]

In 1754, a certain young Englishman received a letter from his father which read. I hope you take great care of your teeth and that you clean them well every morning and after every meal. But I do insist that you never use any of those sticks or hard substances which always rub away the gums and destroy the varnish of the teeth. And who do you think wrote this letter in 1754? It was none other than the famous Lord Chesterfield. Now, fortunately, the sixth and hard cleaning substance he speaks of have completely disappeared from modern American life. But the rest of Lord Chesterfield's advice is as important today as it was nearly 200 years ago. Think how he would have greeted Pepsid and toothpaste containing Irum. Irum is the cleansing agent found only in Pepsodent of all toothpaste. Gently, quickly, effectively, it helps Pepsidin toothpaste brush away stubborn surface stains, leaving your teeth gleaming with natural brilliance. And always remember, Pepsidin toothpaste containing Irum is safe in its action on teeth. Safe for children, safe for adults because it contains no grit, no drugs, no bleach. Try Pepsodin today and see how effectively it reveals the true beauty of your teeth.

[Bob Hope]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take great pleasure in presenting one of the foremost comedians of Hollywood, one of the famous Marx Brothers, whom you saw recently in the great RKO picture. Room service. Here he is, Chico Marx.

[Jerry Colonna]

Thank you very much. Well, so long, Bob.

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute, Chico. Chico, what are you leaving for?

[Jerry Colonna]

When the people applaud, that's enough for me.

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute. We gotta do a show.

[Jerry Colonna]

I know, but I gotta go home and learn how to play the piano.

[Bob Hope]

Well, can't you learn how to play next week?

[Jerry Colonna]

No, next week I'm giving a concert.

[Unknown]

Yeah?

[Bob Hope]

Well, what about our audience? You've gotta do something for them, okay? Wait a minute, Chico. This is no place to sell ice cream.

[Jerry Colonna]

Why not? We need some Good Humor around here. Besides, Bob, I gotta make us some money.

[Bob Hope]

But, Chico, you're getting a check for this program.

[Jerry Colonna]

Whose check?

[Bob Hope]

My check. Look, Chico, what are you gonna do tonight?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, I think I just stand in the back and hit.

[Bob Hope]

And you'll have plenty of company.

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, goodbye, Bob. I must go home now.

[Bob Hope]

Say, Chico, you like that house of yours, don't you?

[Jerry Colonna]

How many bedrooms have you got? Bedroom is electronic, see? Oh, we got to know bedrooms.

[Bob Hope]

No bedrooms. What do you sleep in at night?

[Jerry Colonna]

In my night shirt. Some joke.

[Chico Marx]

Hey, boy.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, I think it's my turn to stand back here and here. Say, have you got any bathtubs in the house?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, I tell you, we got a new plan. We got a shower right over the bed. Shower right over the bed. All we got to do in the morning is to turn the water on and then we don't get wet.

[Bob Hope]

Well, why don't you get wet?

[Jerry Colonna]

We don't sleep in the bed.

[Bob Hope]

Look, Tito, if you don't sleep in the bed, where do you sleep?

[Jerry Colonna]

In the park.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but if you sleep in the park, what do you need the house for?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, we gotta have some place to keep the beds.

[Bob Hope]

I don't know, but that sounds kind of stupid.

[Jerry Colonna]

Yeah, I got that from my uncle. He was a kind of stupid fool way over like this.

[Bob Hope]

Let's get it. I get it, Tico.

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, let's go on, Bob. I gotta go now. I'm just itching to go home.

[Bob Hope]

Now wait a minute, Chico. You gotta play the piano.

[Jerry Colonna]

All right, so where was I?

[Bob Hope]

You were just itching.

[Jerry Colonna]

Okay, we start from scratch. Wait, they're taking my coat off. All right. See, that's a nice coat.

[Bob Hope]

But why do you wear it inside out? Like it the other side?

[Jerry Colonna]

It belongs to Groucho.

[Bob Hope]

He's wearing it. I wish I was with him. Ladies and gentlemen, Chico Marx will now play his own arrangement of an original composition based on the second Hungarian Rhapsody by Franz Lift.

[Skinny Ennis]

Hey, Bob, give us that.

[Jerry Colonna]

You want to buy a ticket for the Rose bowl football game?

[Bob Hope]

For the Rose Bowl? I'll say. How much?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, for you, $5. $5?

[Bob Hope]

$5?

[Bill Goodman]

Really?

[Bob Hope]

Okay, here's your $5.

[Jerry Colonna]

Okay, here's your piece. A piece?

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute. How about the rest of the ticket?

[Jerry Colonna]

That's no good. I can't make a much profit selling a whole ticket.

[Bob Hope]

Well, you only gave me the top part of the ticket.

[Jerry Colonna]

That's all right. You only sit on the top part of the seat. Hey, Bob, I forgot to tell you. You know you gotta go to sea for that football game. Right in the middle.

[Bob Hope]

In the middle?

[Jerry Colonna]

Uh huh. Yeah, right behind the middle of the scoreboard.

[Bob Hope]

Behind the scoreboard? But how do I see the game from there?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, I tell you, I sell you a nice brace in the bit, then you'll make a nicer hole for yourself.

[Bob Hope]

I'm in the hole now. How much does that cost?

[Jerry Colonna]

$4.25.

[Bob Hope]

$4.25 to a brace and bit?

[Jerry Colonna]

Yeah, $4 for the brace and two bits for the bit.

[Bob Hope]

I wish Groucho was here to give me an answer for that one.

[Jerry Colonna]

I miss him more than you do. Hey, Bob.

[Bob Hope]

Sounds like Harpo. It's all right, Pico, Anybody can drop a script. Go ahead, it's all right.

[Jerry Colonna]

No, but I saw those joke before.

[Bob Hope]

You'll see him again too. Hey, Bob, what's that?

[Jerry Colonna]

I'm going to do you a real big favor.

[Bob Hope]

Oh, don't go home so early, Chico.

[Jerry Colonna]

No, I'm going to let you have a pair of field glasses for the game.

[Bob Hope]

Well, Chico, I'm not so sure I can afford it. How much are you going to let me have them for very cheap.

[Jerry Colonna]

Only 25 cents.

[Bob Hope]

Well, that's reasonable enough.

[Jerry Colonna]

Now, how about us some lenses for the glasses? $50.

[Bob Hope]

But Kiko, how much would you charge me if I don't go to the game?

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, what seat are you not going to sit in?

[Bob Hope]

How about not sitting on the 50 yard line?

[Jerry Colonna]

That's no good. There are too many people not sitting there now. You'd be in the way. Hey, Bob, we got us some more jokes.

[Bob Hope]

Well, here we go again.

[Jerry Colonna]

What is it now, Chico, I got something else you need very badly at the game.

[Bob Hope]

What is it, a radio?

[Jerry Colonna]

No, it's a map. Shows you how to get to go. Go out to the game.

[Bob Hope]

That's a good idea, Chic. Oh, I think it's a little late to put on your glasses.

[Jerry Colonna]

Look.

[Bob Hope]

Chico, it's pretty crowded on New Year's Day. Let's take a look at that map.

[Jerry Colonna]

Here you are. Now look, you take a number 66 and you go out about a four mile. That brings you to 33.

[Chico Marx]

Yeah.

[Jerry Colonna]

Now you go out a 33, about two miles. Now, 66 and a 33, that makes a 99. Now you're on the right road. Now you take a 99 for 280 miles and that brings you to the Grand Canyon. Oh, boy, that's a beauty.

[Bob Hope]

Say, that gives me an idea, Chico. I've never been there and I'll need a vacation. About New Year's. Is there any fishing?

[Jerry Colonna]

Sure, Fishing and the hunting. You want to buy a license?

[Bob Hope]

I was afraid of that. Wait till I go home and sell my annuity. Say, maybe you'd like to have buy these football tickets back.

[Jerry Colonna]

No, thanks.

[Bob Hope]

I'll let you have them for $3 a piece of.

[Jerry Colonna]

No, thank you.

[Bob Hope]

All right. You can have them for nothing.

[Jerry Colonna]

I won't eat them now. No, I don't want them. What's the matter?

[Bob Hope]

Don't you want to see the game?

[Jerry Colonna]

I saw the game. California 113 to nothing.

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute. That's the score of last year's game.

[Jerry Colonna]

That's all right. You got a last year's ticket.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah. And now Skinny Anna sings that beautiful number by Larry Clinton. My Reverie, based on a scene by Claude Debussy. Okay, Skinny.

[Skinny Ennis]

Thanks.

[Unknown]

Is it rude? In my reverence I can see that his love was lost for me Only a fool never true In a world of romance to be so cool as you are to me I do always wish this has been me without you.

[Jerry Colonna]

Life will never begin to be.

[Unknown]

Love me as I love you In My revenue Make my due reality.

[Bill Goodman]

Let your.

[Unknown]

Sense with formality Come clean in my reverie Love you as I love you in my reverence make my dream reality.

[Jerry Colonna]

Let'S descent with.

[Unknown]

Come to me in my reverie in my reverence.

[Jerry Colonna]

How'S the.

[Bill Goodman]

Sunshine of your smile tonight? A little clouded over, maybe looking just a little sad. Well, then, why not decide to swing over to Pepsodent tooth powder containing irum. Pepsodent and only peptidant of all tooth powders contains irum, the new cleansing agent. And Irum is the remarkable discovery that helps Pepsodent remove stubborn surface stains from your teeth at least twice a day, night and morning, every day of your life. Use Pepsodent tooth powder and you'll be rewarded. It won't be long before you say you never dreamed your teeth could sparkle so.

[Jerry Colonna]

And you never knew your mouth could.

[Bill Goodman]

Feel so fresh, so clean as it does when. Pepsidin tooth powder containing Irum is always on the job. Best of all, Pepsidin powder containing irum is safe in its action on teeth because it contains no grit, no drugs, no bleach. So if you want these effective cleansing results, try Pepsidin tooth powder with aerium.

[Chico Marx]

Stop beating round the small baby bush Mulberry bush Stop eating down the mulberry.

[Bill Goodman]

Bush Although it's made him dizzy that old bush leaguer Bob Hope is going around in circles to give you his version of Stop beating round the mulberry bush.

[Jerry Colonna]

All right, circulate, Bob.

[Chico Marx]

Mulberry bush when there's a mo.

[Bob Hope]

Hey, Bill.

[Jerry Colonna]

Yes.

[Bob Hope]

Yes, Bob, I'm in trouble. I got a summons for $50,000.

[Bill Goodman]

You did? What's the matter?

[Bob Hope]

Well, look, last week I called up my girl and I told her to stop beating around the mulberry bush and to come right out and tell me she loves me. Yeah, I asked her to marry me and she accepted.

[Bill Goodman]

Well, I don't see any breach your promise there.

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but I had the wrong number.

[Bill Goodman]

But, boy, this is serious, Bob. What you need is a good lawyer.

[Bob Hope]

What I need is $50,000.

[Bill Goodman]

Listen, I know just the man for you.

[Bob Hope]

For one thing. Is he good?

[Bill Goodman]

Is he good? Why, he got my sentence cut down from 90 to 60 days.

[Bob Hope]

Really?

[Bill Goodman]

Gee, for having one headlight out too.

[Jerry Colonna]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[Bob Hope]

If you ever go through a red light, let me know and I'll give you a farewell party.

[Bill Goodman]

Come on, Bob, let's go.

[Bob Hope]

Well, here it is, Bob.

[Bill Goodman]

Law offices of Cohen, Gold, fob, Cohen and Ocavity.

[Bob Hope]

How did o' Cavity get in there?

[Bill Goodman]

He put up the money let's go in.

[Bob Hope]

Thank gosh, it's dark in here.

[Bill Goodman]

Oh, pardon me.

[Jerry Colonna]

That's all right. I'm only the best.

[Bob Hope]

I wish they'd turn the lights on.

[Attorney O' Cavity]

We never do that during lunch hour.

[Bob Hope]

Why not?

[Attorney O' Cavity]

The bosses get jealous when they see me eat. Hello, law offices of cgc and okay, a divorce. What time would you like? Reno, Mexico or radio? What's a radio divorce? When you get married again, we guarantee you a spot on the Eddie Cantor program.

[Unknown]

Goodbye.

[Bill Goodman]

Say, look, miss, my friend Bob Hope wants to hire a good lawyer.

[Attorney O' Cavity]

Well, you better try someone else. The last case we defended was Paul Revere for parking his plug in front of a plug.

[Skinny Ennis]

A case, A case. Come right in. Have a seat, have a cigar, have an act of.

[Bob Hope]

Are you Attorney o' Cavity?

[Skinny Ennis]

Yes, and you can't lose. It's an open and shut case. You were home alone that night reading a book.

[Bob Hope]

Uh huh.

[Skinny Ennis]

Now I'll call central casting and get two witnesses who are with you.

[Bob Hope]

Very nice, but I have a breach of promise suit on my hands.

[Skinny Ennis]

Breach of promise? She can't do that to you. Promising to marry you, breaking your heart, leaving you crushed and broken like a secondhand Dixie cup. We'll sue for $20,000.

[Bob Hope]

That's Robert. There's just one text.

[Jerry Colonna]

What's that?

[Bob Hope]

She's suing me for 50,000.

[Skinny Ennis]

Oh, lucky me. We make a settlement. Let's say 25,000 for her and 25,000 for me.

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute. Where will I get the money?

[Skinny Ennis]

Haven't you entered the movie quiz?

[Bob Hope]

Say what a lawyer. He probably went through law school on a student tour.

[Skinny Ennis]

Oh, oh, oh, pardon me. There goes another ambulance.

[Jerry Colonna]

This trial.

[Skinny Ennis]

Hold on to the customer while I.

[Jerry Colonna]

Do a little roll first.

[Bob Hope]

Hey, don't tell me Attorney O Cavity is an ambulance chaser.

[Attorney O' Cavity]

Mister, he's been chasing ambulances so long he has roller skates on his briefcase.

[Skinny Ennis]

Oh, darn. Those ambulance drivers put grease on the running board again. Say, what were you saying before they rang for me?

[Bob Hope]

I said I was being sued.

[Skinny Ennis]

That's nothing. So Sally ran?

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, but she'll probably wiggle out of us.

[Skinny Ennis]

Hey, how about making out your will? Only $25 extra. Oh, oh, there it goes again.

[Bob Hope]

Wait a minute. I'm going with you this time.

[Skinny Ennis]

Okay, hang on. We'll wrap off the courthouse.

[Bob Hope]

Say, boy, this is a busy court. Listen to the hustle and bustle.

[Chico Marx]

Hello, hustle.

[Jerry Colonna]

Hello bustle. The sixth session of the Court of Sessions is in session.

[Bill Goodman]

And I do mean session.

[Jerry Colonna]

Yeah, man.

[Skinny Ennis]

There'S the girl right over There. Susie Sapina. We all call her Sweet Sue. Hello, Sue.

[Unknown]

Hello, Cavity. Well, here we are again.

[Jerry Colonna]

Here you are. Giddy or crack?

[Bob Hope]

A crack.

[Jerry Colonna]

Popcorn alibi, fail bonds and a Tootsy footsie ice cream. Who's that?

[Skinny Ennis]

That's a girl's lawyer. Ravelli.

[Jerry Colonna]

Hey, boss, do you call me?

[Bob Hope]

Yeah, I want to make a deal with you.

[Jerry Colonna]

That's fine. How about draw a poker? Here's your card.

[Bob Hope]

My card?

[Jerry Colonna]

I got a five bases. I think I'll open.

[Bob Hope]

What do you got?

[Jerry Colonna]

I got a headache Revelli.

[Bob Hope]

If you were my lawyer, I'd say you were crazy. As a matter of fact, if you were my lawyer, I'd say I was crazy. Sounds just like Groucho.

[Jerry Colonna]

No, no.

[Bob Hope]

Tell me, why is your client suing me for breach of promise?

[Jerry Colonna]

I'm running a special on a breach of promise this week. Next week a habeas corpus. With green flowers.

[Bob Hope]

With green flowers?

[Jerry Colonna]

Yeah. Habeas Irish rose. Come close. No, no, I object.

[Bob Hope]

I read anybody's lines. What are you.

[Jerry Colonna]

What do you object?

[Bob Hope]

What are you objecting for? The trial hasn't started.

[Jerry Colonna]

Well, I'm a just one.

[Bob Hope]

Warming up.

[Bill Goodman]

Fire in the court.

[Bob Hope]

Order.

[Jerry Colonna]

The judge is about to appear.

[Bob Hope]

Greetings, Gates.

[Jerry Colonna]

Let's arbitrate. Hello, Sue. How are you?

[Unknown]

Oh, well, dad.

[Bob Hope]

Well, where were you on the night of October 25th?

[Unknown]

At home.

[Jerry Colonna]

You should have been with us. What a brawl. Is the jury present?

[Chico Marx]

Hello, Jud.

[Skinny Ennis]

Do you remember the boys?

[Bill Goodman]

Sure.

[Unknown]

How you fellas?

[Chico Marx]

Hello, Sue. What you.

[Bob Hope]

I'll give three to one I lose this case.

[Jerry Colonna]

That's no good. You can get 12 to 1 from the jury.

[Bob Hope]

Judge Colonna, I think there's 30 days. But, Judge, that isn't 60 days. Wait a minute. You can't give me 60 days.

[Jerry Colonna]

Ah, yes, Maeve. My time is your time.

[Skinny Ennis]

Bring the defendant and the plaintiffs to the bar. You granted.

[Bill Goodman]

Tell truth all through that and see your dentist twice a year.

[Jerry Colonna]

I do.

[Unknown]

I do.

[Jerry Colonna]

I now pronounce you man and white.

[Bob Hope]

I object. You're here to dispense justice.

[Jerry Colonna]

Very well. Justice will be dispensed with.

[Bob Hope]

Continue with the case.

[Jerry Colonna]

It's your shot, Mr. Ravelli. Okay, I take you the witness. Hey, Hope. Where were you on the night of February 30th?

[Bob Hope]

There wasn't any night of February 30th.

[Jerry Colonna]

Oh, so you stole that too. I'm a shame.

[Bob Hope]

I'm not exactly tired of you either.

[Jerry Colonna]

O. I object. Objection overrules. All right, I object again. Objection overruled. That's fine. Now I got a pair of overrules.

[Skinny Ennis]

Judge.

[Bob Hope]

I'm getting sick and tired of this case.

[Unknown]

Yeah, come on, Judge. Stop beating around the mulberry bush and settle this case once for me.

[Bob Hope]

Silence. I have reached the decision. I'm gooding. I'm afraid to listen. What kind of a trial is this anyway? Am I going to get justice?

[Jerry Colonna]

Ah, justice, justice. The famous justice once said. Hoot, uncle.

[Bill Goodman]

Oh, there she goes again.

[Bob Hope]

Quick, where's my waste case?

[Jerry Colonna]

Hey, that's come.

[Unknown]

I say, just a minute shy, sir.

[Bob Hope]

What about my case? And what about my case? I object. You can't object.

[Jerry Colonna]

You're the judge. Objection overruled.

[Bob Hope]

I'm throwing the tape right out of court.

[Jerry Colonna]

What happened, Judge?

[Bob Hope]

I forgot to let go of the cave.

[Jerry Colonna]

Excuse me, Bob.

[Bill Goodman]

Oh, Bob, what have we for next week?

[Bob Hope]

Oh, well, next week we're really going to town.

[Skinny Ennis]

Bill.

[Bob Hope]

We have that man with us.

[Bill Goodman]

That man?

[Bob Hope]

That man. Groucho Marx. He's coming over and explaining the whole thing. Then we'll have our regular cast. Kenny Anderson's band, six hits and a miss.

[Bill Goodman]

Jerry Colonna, Bill Goodman and Bob Hope.

[Jerry Colonna]

Thank you. Good night.

[Bob Hope]

Ladies and gentlemen.

[Bill Goodman]

Until next Tuesday night at. At the same time the President Company bids you good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.